A/N: Yay, another one! This took me about 2.5 hours to write, and I somewhat hate it, but I hate everything I write so take that with a grain of salt I guess.

...

The moment Lil' Petey woke up, he sprung out of bed, not bothering to make it. He ran out into the hallway, leaving the door to his bedroom wide open. Excitement was coursing through his veins.

While all that energy was great for Lil' Petey, it was not great for his Papa, who was asleep.

Key word 'was'. He did not stay that way for long.

"PAPA!" shrieked Lil' Petey, jumping on Petey's bed (and also on Petey).

"Gah! Kid, get off me-I'm awake, I'm awake!" yelled a now wide awake Petey. "What do you want?" he grumbled.

Lil' Petey's eyes widened. "Papa, it's my birthday!"

"You were never born. You were created," corrected Petey.

"Fine then, creationday," replied Lil' Petey, rolling his eyes. Then he ran off downstairs to the kitchen. "Let's go Papa! We need to celebrate! I love you Papa!"

Petey didn't respond as he followed his kid down the stairs, lost in thought. Had it really been a whole year since Lil' Petey was created?

(Also, how tf did he know it had been a year? Was he keeping track? While we're at it, who told him about birthdays?)

Petey reflected on the hijinks of the past years.

That's a lot of hijinks.

So many, in fact, that he did not get to finish before he got to the kitchen, where Lil' Petey was running around like a madman.

"CAKE! CAKE! CAKE!" he chanted.

"Woah woah woah, calm down kid!" said Petey, who was sick of the constant yelling. Granted, he had been sick of it since the first day of taking care of the little gremlin he called his son. "Calm down," he repeated. "We can have cake… at Dog Man's house. I don't want you making a mess here."

"YAAAAY!" shrieked Lil' Petey. (Petey was really sick of all the yelling. It was giving him a headache.)

After walking Lil' Petey to Dog Man's, Petey was ready to shoot himself out of annoyance. (Okay, not really. Wanting to shoot himself was reserved for younger Petey. Lil' Petey was annoying, but in a good way. Sort of. Sometimes. Well, he loved him.) Anyway, after enduring Dog Man's 'greeting', he explained the situation. Actually, Lil' Petey did.

"DOG MAN HI IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WE NEED A PARTY!"

(Petey hates parties.)

Dog Man made a combination of (LOUD) barking and growling noises that Petey took to mean 'OH MY GOD WE NEED TO CELEBRATE!'

(He hates parties.)

Petey facepalmed as Lil' Petey and Dog Man (and 80-HD joining as well) jumped and danced and sang and yelled and essentially tortured Petey.

(He HATES parties.)

Suddenly, Lil' Petey stopped, having a realization. "Guys, we have to call the others! Then we can have a party!"

(He HAAAAATESSS parties.)

Dog Man barked something that sounded like a 'Yes! Let me call them,' and bounded to the phone on the wall. Why he had a phone with a cord, Petey didn't know, but at this point he had learned not to question the ridiculous things Dog Man did.

"Hello?" said Sarah, picking up the phone on the other end.

Dog Man barked some unintelligible noises at Sarah before remembering she couldn't understand him and handed the phone to Petey.

"Uh-Dog Man? I can't understand you-"

"It's Petey now. The kid and Dog Man are very excited for me to inform you that it is the kid's birth-sorry, creationday. They are very enthusiastic and loud and I have a headache. They would like me to ask you to come over to Dog Man's house asap and 'par-tay wit da fam'. Their words, not mine," said Petey, voice bare and emotionless. He was tired, what did you expect? TONE VARIATION? Psh.

"Oh, that sounds fun! I'll come over right away. See you Petey, and tell Lil' Petey Happy Birthday!"

"Creationday," Petey corrected.

"Yeah yeah whatever see ya!" And with that, Sarah hung up. Well, Petey thought, at least Sarah is relatively sane. She hopefully wouldn't be as annoying as everyone else.

(He hatessss parties.)

Speaking of everyone else, Dog Man and the kid were running around the house in excitement before noticing that Petey had stopped talking to Sarah.

"Papa, you gotta call Chief now!" said Lil' Petey, pulling on Petey's arm.

"Alright, fine," sighed Petey. He picked up the phone and then remembered he doesn't know Chief's phone number. And no, it was not because his cellphone saved it-he never had it in the first place. He turned around to ask Dog Man for the number, only to find him gone, running around with Lil' Petey again in his ridiculously huge house.

Welp, he thought, only one other way to contact a police officer.

He dialed 911.

"OH MY GOSH A 911 CALL THIS IS CHIEF WHAT DO YOU NEED OH MY GOSH ARE YOU IN TROUBLE?"

Wow, okay. He wasn't expecting it to be that easy. He figured an operator would pick up first. Well, small mercies. That was one less person he would have to talk to that day. He considered that a win.

"Hi Chief. It's Petey-" he replied, but before he could continue and explain the situation, Chief interrupted him.

"OH MY GOSH PETEY IS EVERYTHING OKAY?!"

"It's the kid's-"

"OH MY GOSH LIL' PETEY IS HE OKAY OH JEEZ-"

"CHIEF!" yelled Petey, this time him being the interrupter. He winced. Chief was very loud over the phone. "Chief. Chief, nothing is wrong. The kid is perfectly okay. In fact, he is more than okay; he's running around the house with Dog Man. Oh, and also it's his creationday."

"You mean birthday."

"No, I mean creationday."

"But wasn't he born?"

"No you idiot, I was there, he's my clone, he was created. What, did you think I impregnated someone and somehow ended up with the child myself? First of all, do you really think I'd be the one to friggin impregnate someone?! Who do you think I am? And secondly, how would I end up with the kid in-You know what this is stupid," he said, cutting himself off. "It doesn't matter, we need you at Dog Man's for the party the kid insists on having." (He. HATES. Parties.)

"GASP I'm on my way!" Aaaaaand Chief hung up on him.

What terrible 911 service.

(He hates parties.)

Next on the list to call was everyone's favorite Yolay Caprese. Hopefully she would be better than Chief was.

"Chao?" said Yolay, picking up the phone.

"Yolay! Hi, this is Petey calling from Dog Man's house, we need you to come over."

"Cosa succede?" asked Yolay. And now, Petey was by no means fluent in italian. But he knew enough of about 23 languages. (He had a lot of free time after his mom passed since he stopped going to school.) One of them was italian. And while one may wonder what Petey's definition of 'enough' was, it was in fact 'enough' to respond:

"È il giorno della creazione del ragazzo e abbiamo bisogno che tu venga a casa di Dog Man il prima possibile per una festa."

Which meant 'It's boy creation day and we need you to come to Dog Man's house as soon as possible for a party.' Hey, he did say he wasn't fluent.

(And no, he was not going to say 'È il giorno della creazione di Lil 'Petey' (meaning 'It's Lil 'Petey's creation day') even though that made more sense because calling the kid 'Lil' Petey' felt really weird. (He often wondered why the kid named himself after him. Why would he want to have the same name as the random dude he just met who was trying to sell him?))

And regardless of that painfully long tangent, Yolay seemed to get the message as she quickly responded with: "Ok, a presto Petey!" which means see you soon.

Beh merda, è stato facile.

(He still hates parties.)

It was at that moment exactly that Lil' Petey ran up to him once again. "Hey, Papa? Did you finish calling?"

"I called three people."

"Aw, that's it?!"

"YOU WANTED ME TO CALL MORE PEOPLE?!"

Petey does not like phone calls. Almost as much as he HATES PARTIES.

Lil' Petey snatched the phone from his hands. "I'll do it then."

Petey gave up and just let him. He was really frickin tired.

(And he hates parties.)

Fifteen minutes later, all the guests had arrived.

And it was SO. FRIGGIN. LOUD.

(HE. HATES. PARTIES!)

Petey was half wishing he had shot himself while he still could.

Pretty much everyone they knew was there, swarming around in the middle of the room, even that random cop Lil' Petey met one time. Petey was lucky his dad wasn't invited. (Actually, now he thought about it, he probably was, and just didn't come. After all, why would he care that 'Lil' Ralphie' was having a birthday party if not to mooch off the food and drink? He didn't care about his grandson, so of course he wasn't here. His dad probably cared about him as much as he cared about poop on the floor. Not that Petey cared if his father cared.)

Anyway, Petey watched from the corner where he stood, holding a cup of fruit punch he hated, as Lil' Petey went around having fun like an extrovert. He was wearing a birthday hat that originally read 'BIRTHDAY BOY' in big red letters, but the 'birth' part had been crossed out and now read 'creationDAY'. Why Lil' Petey wanted to wear such a hat, Petey didn't know.

He watched as his son went around talking to everyone in sight and wondered how Petey's introverted self managed to create an extroverted clone. He sighed. His little kid was out there socializing while he was standing in a corner alone like a loner. Which he sort of was, but still.

Standing in the corner at a party reminded him of his high school days.

Just kidding. He didn't go to parties as a teen, let alone go to high school.

(Also, he hates parties.)

"CAKE TIME!" screeched the kid. Everyone gathered around the table with the cake on it, and Petey took that as his cue to do the same. He tried to stand next to his son, but everyone seemed in a big hurry to stand next to the creationDAY BOY.

He continued to muscle his way towards the kid as everyone around him loudly sang an edited version of 'Happy Birthday', christened 'Happy Creationday' by some very creative soul, in his ear. He cringed at the feeling of bodies all around him, especially loud ones. (THIS IS WHY HE HATES PARTIES!)

The song was done and Lil' Petey blew out his candles. Everyone clapped in his ears. (You prolly know what he's about to say, but he's still gonna say it: HE HATES PARTIES!)

The clapping was thankfully over, and Lil' Petey was saying something. He pushed his way next to Lil' Petey just in time to hear the end of what he was saying.

"-And now," Lil' Petey said, holding up a knife, "I will cut the cake."

"N-OPE!" yelped Petey, yoinking the knife out of his son's hands. "You can not cut the cake. I don't trust you with knives."

A groan of disappointment rose from the crowd, and Petey felt his anxiety spike.

(This is why he hates parties…)

"Aw," said Lil' Petey. "But Papa…"

"NOPE," he repeated. "I would like you to be alive, please. No knives." And with that, Petey cut the cake himself.

The crowd groaned again, Lil' Petey the loudest one, but they quickly cheered up when they remembered it was now time to eat the cake.

After that fiasco was over and Lil' Petey no longer had cake all over his face, he declared it time for presents.

"From Sarah," he read aloud from the tag after picking up a random present. "Aw thanks Sarah! I wonder what's inside!" Lil' Petey shook the box a couple of times before shrugging and ripping open the paper. "OH MY GOD, A NEW SET OF COLORED PENCILS! THANK YOU SO MUCH SARAH!"

This cycle pretty much continued, the most notable presents being a huge stuffed animal from Chief, a cute jacket from Yolay, and a machine gun from some random dude with a goatee which was immediately vetoed by Petey. (He considered using it to shoot himself, but he didn't want to cause a scene.)

At last there were no presents left, and Petey felt slightly relieved because that meant the party was soon to be over.

And lo and behold, he was right. Shortly after that, everyone started leaving, and eventually, so did Petey and Lil' Petey as they headed back home under the setting sun. Petey was content in the (finally) quiet, but Lil' Petey seemed troubled.

"Hey, Papa?"

"Yeah kid?"

"There wasn't a present from you."

Petey was silent for a second, before stuttering out "Uh, I-"

"It's fine, Papa. It doesn't matter. I already have a bunch of other people's presents. I just really wanted to know what you'd get me…" Lil' Petey trailed off. Sure, he loved everyone's presents, but Papa's was the most important one-and it was nothing.

"I'm sorry kid," said Petey. "I was distracted. How about… we get gelato tomorrow?"

Lil' Petey smiled. "How 'bout ice cream?"

Petey gagged. "Ice cream-Ugh, fine."

Lil' Petey's smile widened, shining from ear to ear. "I love you Papa."

Petey took his hand. "I love you too, kid."

That was Lil' Petey's favorite present.

...

A/N: can you tell I had no plan for this whatsoever? I kinda hate the ending. I hope you enjoyed this anyway. Love ya k bye