"I feel like this is one of those situations when we should be talking about the psycho, bloodsucking, elephant in the room," Cordelia said.

Since Angel left no one felt like talking about his shift to the dark side. The group sat silently around the table, each lost in their thoughts. Buffy especially looked lost as she hugged herself tightly in the chair across from Willow.

Xander, for once, actually agreed with Cordelia, but he didn't have it in him to talk smack about Angel while Buffy looked so heartbroken. Somehow saying 'I told you so' didn't feel kosher.

"He was so… He came here to kill us," Willow said as she stared blankly at the tabletop.

Xander caught Buffy mid-flinch after Willow's declaration and saw her hold herself even tighter.

"So, what are we going to do?" Cordelia asked.

"I'm not-not s-sure," Giles said, and he looked almost as shell-shocked as Buffy and Willow. "T-Things are bad enough with the Judge here. Angel crossing over to the other side... I-I-I wasn't prepared for that."

"None of us were," Ms. Calendar said.

Willow stood up and went over to Buffy, who started twisting a ring around her finger.

"Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?"

"I should've known," Buffy replied shaking her head. "When I saw him at the house, he was different. The things he said…"

They'd all heard Angel ridicule Buffy about them having sex. It didn't take a lot to imagine how cruel he must have been to her right after it happened. When his words would have hurt Buffy most.

"I did this to him," Buffy said.

"What do you mean?" Giles asked.

"Angel… He changed right after… After."

"Buffy, no!" Willow exclaimed before she knelt in front of Buffy and took one of her hands in her own. "You can't think like that!"

"Willow's right. You mustn't blame yourself, Buffy. There could be any number of causes for Angel's turn. Perhaps another spell by Spike and Drusilla is responsible. Their way of weakening their enemies to pave the way for the Judge."

Buffy didn't respond, and continued to look despondent, though Xander saw she clung to Willow's hand like it was a life preserver and she was about to drown.

"There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Buffy is…" Cordelia paused. "I'd say we've hit bottom."

"I have a plan," Xander said.

"Oh, no, here's a lower place," Cordelia said.

"I don't know what's up with Angel, but I think I may have a way to deal with this Judge guy."

Willow looked at Xander. "What do we do?" she asked, still holding Buffy's hand.

Xander looked at Cordelia.

"I think I may need your help for this one," he said. "And we may need wheels."

"Me? Why should I help with your cockamamy plan?"

"Don't know. Thought maybe you'd want to lend a hand to save the world. I mean, if the world goes the way of the dodo, where will you shop?"

"Fine!" Cordelia huffed.

Xander nodded then looked at Willow.

"Can you get in touch with Oz?"

"Sure. Why?"

"We're going to need transportation with plenty of room, and his van meets the criteria."

"I'll call him."

"Good."

"Care to let me in on the plan I'm a part of?"

"No."

Cordelia stood up and placed her hands on her hips. "Why not?"

Xander stood up and started to leave. "Because if I tell you, then you won't do it. Just meet me at Willow's house in half an hour. And wear something trashy…" Xander looked at Cordelia's outfit. "...Er."

Xander looked at Buffy before he left. He didn't know what to say to her. Their friendship had been on the mend, but Xander knew neither one of them was in a place that allowed him to go over like Willow and comfort Buffy without it feeling awkward and weird.

"Wow. Is that how you talk to people doing you a favor?" Cordelia griped as she followed Xander out of the library.


After Oz's van came to a stop beside a towering wall of sheet metal and barbed wire fencing, Xander scooted up between the driver and passenger's side.

"Wait here. When you guys see that window open get out the ladder, come up, we'll pass you the package, okay?"

Oz nodded. "Okay."

"Be careful," Willow said.

Xander gave her a quick smile then opened the van's side doors and hopped out. He turned around then offered his arm to Cordelia, who gave him a weird look before accepting his hand and stepping out of the van.

On the other side of the wall was one of the base's storage buildings. Xander searched the immediate area of the fence until he found a part that was chain link and used wire cutters on several links to create an opening.

"The security here really is a joke. I should report it," Xander said after he and Cordelia squeezed through.

As the two slowly crept their way between the building on one side and a bunch of crates, oil drums, and a transport truck on the other, Cordelia had her head on a swivel and glanced around nervously.

"Who am I supposed to be again?" she asked.

"You're supposed to be a girl," Xander said without looking at her. "Think you can handle it?"

Cordelia smacked the back of his shoulder, which made Xander smile.

The pair continued to sneak along until they approached the security door to the supply building. Just as Xander was about to try the handle a voice barked at their backs to halt.

"Identify yourself right the hell now!"

"Uh… Private Harris with the uh… 33rd," Xander replied with his hands raised above his head.

"33rd are on maneuvers."

Xander winced but recovered and said, "Right! I'm on leave." Xander turned around slowly and added, "From them."

A soldier in regulation rain gear and armed with an M16 had got the drop on Xander and Cordelia, and he fixed a hard glare at them.

"You always spend your leave snooping around the armory, pal?" the soldier said. "And who's she?"

"Hi!" Cordelia chirped. "I'm not a soldier. Am I?" Cordelia directed the last part at Xander.

Xander moved in closer to the soldier, his hands still up.

"Look," Xander said as he leaned into the soldier, "I just want to give her the tour. You know what I'm saying."

The soldier gave Xander a questioning look. "The tour?"

"Well, you know the ladies. They like to see the big guns. Gets them all hot and bothered. Can you cut me some slack, gimme a blind eye?" Xander asked in a conspiratorial tone.

"And why should I?"

Xander straightened and said, "Well, if you do, I won't tell Colonel Newsome that your boots ain't regulation, your post wasn't covered," he grabbed the soldier's rifle from his hands before handing it back to him, making him hold the weapon properly, "and you hold your gun like a sissy girl."

The soldier gave Xander an irritated look. "You got 20 minutes, nimrod," he said.

"I just need five." Xander smiled as he turned away, then turned back around. "Uh, forget I said that last part."


The armory was not well lit, and it was a few moments before Cordelia found the light switch on the wall and turned on the hanging lights in the ceiling. The space was filled with shelves that were covered in unsecured cases and crates with black print labeling their contents. The cases had white serial numbers written on them.

"Okay, what was that? And who are you?" Cordelia asked after Xander started picking through the shelves.

"Remember Halloween, I got turned into a soldier?" Xander asked as he pulled out a black case that was the right size to be holding what he was looking for.

"Yeah."

The case didn't have the right serial number and Xander pushed the case back into place.

"Well, I still remember all of it," Xander said. "I know procedure, ordnance, access codes, everything. I know the whole layout for this base, and I'm pretty sure I can put together an M-16 in 57 seconds."

"Well, I'm sort of impressed," Cordelia said and Xander looked at her when he noticed his mortal enemy really did sound impressed. "But let's just find the thing and get out of here."

"Okay," Xander said and went back to searching.

"So, does looking at guns really make girls wanna have sex? That's scary."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?"

Xander didn't answer right away. Now that he's had sex with Angel, sex frightens him a little. He can't guess at why, but since that night the thought of being with anyone like that makes Xander feel woolly-headed, and like maybe he should run very fast, very far away.

"No, guns don't make me wanna have sex," Xander replied.

"Does Angel?"

Xander paused mid-opening an unlabeled crate then turned to look at Cordelia who was sitting on top of another crate. Cordelia looked back at him casually. Xander would have expected a lot more open mockery, or disgust in her expression, but Cordelia's face held neither.

"What are you talking about?"

Cordelia smirked. "You really think no one was going to find about what Larry and his meathead friends saw?" Cordelia asked.

"Saw?" Xander doesn't know why he's asking; he knows damn well what Larry and his goons saw. Or at least what they thought they saw.

"Well, I didn't believe them about finding you on your knees in front of Angel, or that you offered to service all of them if they didn't say anything," Cordelia said nonchalantly.

Xander felt nausea boiling in his gut. Bastards. Well, really, what were they going to say happened? Not that Xander put Larry down with a well-placed kick to the nads, or that a vampire scared the piss out of them, that's for sure.

"But," Cordelia continued, "I did believe the part about you dating Angel."

Xander forced himself to turn around and go back to picking through crates. "Why's that?" he asked, trying to match Cordelia's casual tone, but his voice croaks and breaks before he can finish saying 'that.'

"Please! The way Buffy's was woe is me'ing more than usual for the past few months, meant either an epically bad breakup or a family member died," Cordelia said.

"Such a gentle, understanding soul," Xander said.

"Whatever. And since they've been back together, you've been—"

"Woe is me'ing?"

"No. You've just been sad."

Xander whirled and looked at Cordelia. "I have not been sad!" Xander protested. He pointed at his face and said, "This is the face of a man who's perfectly content and living it up, I tells ya!"

"Yeah, you're hiding it pretty good. And bravo on your avoiding-the-ex tango at Buffy's party," Cordelia said. "That was a masterclass, and I want lessons."

Damn, am I being that obvious?

And if Cordelia noticed how Xander's been behaving, then Willow has too. Xander closed his eyes and shook his head. So much for being Marlboro Man cool about what happened.

Xander opened his eyes and gave Cordelia a look of complete surrender.

"All right. Let me have it," Xander said.

"What?"

"I am fully prepared to take the full Queen C put-down blitz," Xander said and made waving motions at himself. "Give me both barrels with all your Xander is gay jokes."

"Hey, I might not be the most socially progressive when it comes to gay people, but I don't go out of my way to be homophobic," Cordelia insisted.

"Then why even bring any of this up?"

Cordelia shrugged. "Because while I think you are, like, 99.99% cretin, I want whatever your plan is to work."

"Okay?" Xander said with a scowl. "I don't get it."

For the first time Xander can remember, Cordelia looked at him with unmistakable seriousness in her dark brown eyes.

"Why did you stand there when Bad Angel came at us in the library?" she asked.

Xander laughed nervously. "What are you talking about?"

"The Xander Harris I know isn't a complete idiot, and only an idiot would have stood there when a maniac vampire runs at them," Cordelia said. "So, I ask again: why didn't you get the hell out of dodge, and dodge?"

Xander couldn't stand to look into Cordelia's 'don't give me any BS' expression and had to look away and pretend to keep looking for the rocket launcher. This was a conversation he didn't want to have with anyone, let alone Cordelia Chase.

"What does it matter? He didn't rip my head off before he skedaddled."

"It matters because we already got one lovesick member of your pathetic gang of losers in love with the psycho vampire looking to kill the world. I need to know if there's two of you so I can make an informed decision before I escape to Europe."

"Don't think that's far enough," Xander muttered.

"At least I'll die in Paris. So? Are you in love with Angel?"

Xander didn't answer as he moved on to inspect the next nearest crate and checked its serial number. He sighed with relief when he saw it was the crate he was looking for.

"Oop! Would you look at that," Xander said. "Found it! Time to go!"


Stopping the Judge was easy. Messy, but simple. And the kid in Xander enjoyed watching a giant rocket zoom at the big demon guy and blow him up real good.

Even though they won, no one felt like celebrating. Angel was out there plotting to kill them, with Spike and a full-powered Drusilla to back him up.

Buffy was inconsolable, and it was hard to blame her, but Xander still wanted to tell her to kill Angel before it was too late. He knew what Angel tearing her world apart would look like. It looked like Drusilla.

Xander knew she wouldn't listen to him. She would always believe his opinions were compromised when it came to Angel. Worst of all, she thought Angel was still inside that monster.

Xander decided if he got the chance, he'd kill Angel himself. He wanted to make damn sure what Angel did to Drusilla would never happen to Buffy. If it cost him Buffy's friendship, Xander knew he could live with it. He was less sure where Willow would come down, though, and that scared the bejeezus out of him.

Not that it mattered, because Xander never got that chance to do anything to Angel, despite the vampire going on a weeks-long terror campaign against the Scoobs. He went after Buffy's mom, Willow, and even Giles, but he didn't show his face to Xander in all that time. Xander wasn't sure if he should be relieved or insulted he didn't merit being even lightly terrorized.

Then Xander found the first package on his porch. It was addressed to him but didn't have a return address. Xander brought the package inside and put it aside so he could struggle through his homework. When he finished, he casually unwrapped the mysterious parcel.

"The hell?"

Inside were hundreds of packing peanuts and a tube of lipstick.

Xander examined the wrapping paper and looked for any indication of who sent it to him but found nothing to suggest who the sender was.

With a shrug and a hum, Xander threw the lipstick in the trash and forgot about it.

Then the second package came. It had the same markings as the first but was a little bit larger. Xander was more alert this time because he expected to find something weird inside.

It was a woman's black pump. Size 6.

Xander dug the tube of lipstick out of the trash and placed the shoe and it side by side. He tried to find their connection but couldn't come up with anything solid. Xander kept the heel and the lipstick, then patiently waited for another package to come. He already suspected they were coming from Angel, but he had no idea what the lipstick and shoe were supposed to mean.

The next package was bigger than the last. Xander could tell there was something made of cloth was inside when he shook it. He was right. Inside was a neatly folded tuxedo jacket.

Xander knew he should be afraid. The packages kept getting bigger, and that seemed to indicate Angel was escalating to some monstrous, twisted finish. But lipstick, a shoe, and a penguin suit hardly made Xander's hair stand up on end. Other than the innate strangeness of being sent them, the items were entirely too mundane.

The following package, as it so happened, was smaller than all the previous ones. It was barely bigger than a pack of Twinkies. Inside, Xander found clippings of auburn hair. Xander tossed the box aside and called Willow.

He almost hung up the phone after the third ring and make a b-line to her house. When she answered on the fourth ring Xander closed his eyes and sighed in relief.

"What's going on, Xander?"

"Oh, I just wanted to check in a little early."

The gang decided to call each other every night to make sure everyone made it home.

"Oh. Thanks for calling. I'm alright."

"Excellent. Get back to your homework, young lady."

Willow laughed. "Good night. Xander."

"Night."

Xander examined the hair from the box again. It did look a lot like Willow's color. Was it a warning? And why was Angel wasting his mind games on him of all people?

It didn't make sense.


"God, I hate it when I'm right," Xander muttered under his breath when he saw Angelus strut out of the waiting room. He was carrying white roses and whistling Beethoven. When he noticed Xander sitting in front of Buffy's hospital room he smiled.

Xander stood and moved to intercept him.

"Wow. White roses. That's in poor taste," Xander said.

"What? Don't think Buff's gonna like them?" Angelus asked as he sniffed the roses.

"I think she rather you take those flowers and shove 'em up your—"

"Whoa! I don't know where all this animosity is coming from. I'm just here to see my girl."

Xander ignored the animosity dig and said, "Visiting hours are over."

"Well, I'm pretty much family."

"Last time I checked I didn't see no ring on Buffy's finger."

"Xander, Xander, Xander. If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?"

"Nah, probably not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either." Xander hiked his chin at two uniformed officers standing at the check-in desk. "Or those cops, or the orderlies, but I'm kinda curious to find out."

Xander leaned in close.

"You game?"

Angelus eyed the officers for a moment before he turned his attention back to Xander.

"Buffy's savior. Do you still love her? Does it eat you up that I got there first?" Angelus grinned. "I bet it does."

Angel, under the love spell at least, had worn his feelings on his sleeve, so it was easy to figure him out at a glance. In a way, Angelus was no different. Xander saw the naked spite in Angelus's eyes, saw how it drove his need to hurt Buffy an inch at a time. At first, Xander didn't understand why Angelus had to do it with such dramatic flourish, but now he thought he did.

"Dude, Angel got there first." Xander contrasted Angelus's nasty grin with a little smile. "You just got to watch."

Angelus's eyes burned yellow for an instant and Xander thought he was about to die.

At least he was going out after an epic burn.

Angelus suddenly tilted his head back and laughed. Not a fake laugh either. A full-on belly laugh that made Xander more scared than ever.

When Angel was done laughing, he looked at Xander and pushed the flowers against Xander's chest.

"Be a good boy and tell her I stopped by."


The next package arrived. It was about the same size as the first, but it felt like there was something with real weight inside. And inside was another box carefully wrapped in gold foil wrapping paper and tied with a fancy white bow.

There was also a red envelope taped to the box, and written on it was beautiful golden calligraphy that read: My Love...

With trembling hands, Xander opened the envelope. He gently pulled out a piece of plain white stationery. In the same golden calligraphy were the words: Be Still My Heart.

Xander set the box aside. He didn't want to open it. He knew. He knew what was inside. Angelus was not a subtle guy.

"No. Not subtle at all," Xander whispered to himself.

Xander went to his bedroom window and looked outside. He scanned the darkness until he saw Angelus standing across the street under a streetlight.

He blew Xander a kiss before he backed away and disappeared into the night.


Dear Uncle Enyos,

I know my plan to be-spell Angel failed, and I have failed in my most sacred duty. I know you are disappointed, but you must listen! Angelus is too dangerous! You must allow me to return his soul or kill him. Already he has murdered dozens of people—children! —during his bloody rampage. If you will not aid me, then I will act as I see fit. I have betrayed and sacrificed to ensure our clan's vengeance, but I will not stand by as mindless revenge destroys innocent lives.

Your Niece,

Janna