My delusional fantasies brought me here

- Bia Aylesworth


Reminiscences

- Part I -

On a Saturday morning. Just after 8 a.m. Murder slumped down against his black sofa in nothing but his white boxers. A feeling of comfort and warmth permeates the living room, as well as a feeling of serenity. With a deep and contemplative expression on his face, he looked into the distance. Suddenly, he felt his mind straying from the present. The news he had just turned on had become mere noise in the background. While he thinks about the redhead, who is now sleeping on his bed, he reflects on how intimate they have become over the past few months. It almost looks like they are now completely enmeshed in each other's routines.

Scully used to pretend she could sleep without him. However, she always found excuses to call him when he didn't show up at her door.

"Hey, Scully, what are you wearing?" He hears muffled laughter on the other end.

With a sultry tone, she provokes, "If you wanna know, you'll have to come and investigate, Agent Mulder."

He didn't need an investigation, though. He knows she's wearing his shirt. The days of matching PJs are long gone. They both have the same problem. He can't sleep without her, either. The last time she suggested they try, he tossed and turned all night long. The matching bags under her eyes, which she tried to hide beneath her makeup. Were visible in the morning when he entered the office. "Let's not do this again, okay?" he said, kissing her forehead and wrapping her in his arms.

With her head resting on his chest, she cradled his middle tightly and nodded. "I missed you too, Mulder. When did we become this kind of couple, hum?... One night apart shouldn't be this difficult. We see each other every day, for goodness' sake."

Mulder held her. Amused by her frustration. He gets it. She is an independent and practical woman, is not like her, being needy, but he can't help, he likes it. "I think we become an x-File, Scully."

"Whatever, Mulder!" she nudged him away, rolling her eyes.

Now that they have accepted their fate. They sleep together every night. Weekdays at Scully's place. Some weekends at his place. It was precious, the way she snuggled up to him, sighing with contentment. He can't resist kissing her silly until she opens her piercing blue eyes. Despite not being the most enthusiastic morning person, she smiles at him."Give me a few more minutes," she says in an adorable, sleepy voice. Mulder was an early riser. He would get up, brew them some coffee and wait for her to follow the coffee's smell.

He enjoys snuggling with Scully on his sofa on Saturday mornings. He cherishes that time with her. It is now a luxury they indulge in more often. In a low husky tone, he talks sweet nothings to her and plays idly with her hair. It was absolute bliss. They lay there, engulfed by a sense of calm and comfort they'd never felt before.

Never had he imagined Scully to be a giggler. Throughout their partnership, she has always been stoic and secretive. As their friendship got stronger, she would make some sarcastic remarks and grin when he joked around. However, intimately, Scully tended to giggle nonstop. The sound of her joy overwhelmed him and he couldn't get enough. Just to make her laugh, he would kiss her in ticklish spots.

Wearing only one of his shirts, with her adorable smiling face, they would just be in their cocoon as the rest of the world faded away.

Watching movies they haven't seen, because they were out chasing the next big thing. Cocking together. Making sweet, sweet love, which is an activity that they are quite addicted to these days. They can't seem to get enough of one another. His feelings for her are so overwhelming. An intensity, unlike anything he's ever felt.

He had met no one like Scully before. So fiercely loyal. Ever since Samantha's disappearance. Both of his parents emotionally abandoned him. The guilt was too powerful for them to handle. He has always been alone. He had no friends to turn to. The women he dated were all nasty and didn't show him the slightest whiff of loyalty or affection. He didn't even realise how much he need her in his life.

They say that true love is calm. Being with you one and only brings calmness and serenity to your soul. Your safest place to be yourself. Your solace when you feel the world turning against you. Scully, who he has known for over seven years. Has also been his best friend. His constant. His protector, but this was different. She was it for him.

For so long. His obsessions consumed him. He couldn't fathom the thought of stopping looking for Samantha. Find the truth. Expose his enemies. The truth was the most important thing to him. He had never slept enough or rested properly, let alone enjoyed simple pleasures in life as he was doing right now, waiting for the love of his life to join him to start the day.

xxx

During the early days of their relationship, or whatever that would be called. They tried to avoid spending too much time together outside of the office. It was nothing more than a physical activity, which, for what it was worth, was merely meant to release tension. They wouldn't dare let their walls down. Or discussing the meaning. It just happened one day. It seems they tried to go with the flow and not take it so seriously.

They'd banged on any surface they could reach out; they crested every inch of their office; his door's apartment; his leather sofa had become their favourite spot; her living room rug; his kitchen table.

Scully's desire for him was consuming. It surprised him she would be so passionate. The way she yielded to him never ceased to amaze him. He never imagined she wanted him like that. Most of their rendezvous would begin with her starting them - with those sneaky little hands of hers. He could never say no to her. His heart would race with passion whenever she licked her luscious lips and looked at him with unbridled desire and a suggestive grin.

There were never dull moments between them. They were having so much fun together, praiseworthy of seven years of sexual tension finally being released.

However, they wouldn't have intimacy in a proper bed. Nor would they spend the night cuddling up together. That was too intimate for Scully. She wasn't ready to open up to him that way. She was already struggling to keep her distance. Despite his love for her, he would not push her into it, either. He was ready to accept whatever she offered him. Scully was such a private person. He was already feeling like a lucky motherfucker, for being allowed to be with her like that.

In the wake of the Donnie Pfaster debacle, the playfulness of their interactions gradually diminished, and a heavy cloud of uncertainty washed over them both. They started growing apart, spending less time together.

On that night, she allowed him to hold her. He spooned her and entwine their bodies together. All he wanted was to protect her. It was his fault that happened. How could he miss the links? Of course, he would go after her. Pfaster was obsessed with her. He kept making her doubt her intuition.

What prevented him from predicting what happened, though?

Deep down, he knew why. He resented her inability to show him her vulnerabilities, her refusal to open up to him. She must've known by then that her I'm fine's were hurtful. He was worried about her, and she responded by pushing him away. He felt as though he had been punched in the stomach. Things had changed. She should be able to talk to him honestly and openly about her feelings. It hurt him to learn that she wouldn't let him in beyond her pants.

She had made her walls an impenetrable fortress.

The following morning, she headed to her mother's house. She said she needed her. She had a week's leave, and they didn't have any cases when she came back. They didn't see one another for some time. He was still hurt by his realisation, so he also kept his distance. They talked on the phone, but that was all.

Since then, however, her introspection has grown. To dislodge her from her reveries, he accepted a rather amusing case. 'The Amazing Maleeni' was only for her. It was fun. It was interesting. She blossomed throughout the case.

It was official. Their relationship had taken a back seat. A month has gone by and they still didn't know how to approach the elephant in the room. They come from fucking each other into oblivion to platonic partners. Again. Yet he missed her. Holding her. He wanted to fuck her so hard that she'd lose her senses and forget all her reasons not to let him in, extinguish all doubts.

It was also clear to him she was missing him as well. He could see right through her walls. Her longing glances and soft touches. Every time she licked her lips, just as she does when she devours him with her eyes. He got shivers just by remembering what those lips were capable of. It was a hard time. They brushed off their feelings as they always did.

xxx

Losing his mother scarred him. His mother had killed herself. It destroyed him.

He wanted to wreck his apartment. The wreckage would reflect what he felt inside. There were so many questions. The guilt was overwhelming. Scully was the only thing that prevented him from totally descending into madness.

When Scully held his sore body against hers, he tucked his face into her neck. Her soft body and her vanilla scent were like home to him. It brought comfort, and he felt safe.

She guided him to his bedroom. He immediately clung to her, and rest his head on her breasts. Soaking out her shirt with tears, his body trembled with distress. She gripped him in her arms. She stroked his hair and back gently, sporadically kissing his forehead as she did.

It had been long since they held one another like that. Intimately. He was consumed with guilt. His mother wanted to tell him something, but he never called her back. "Uh... She wanted to tell me something Scully… uh… I didn't call her back." he kept repeating.

There was nothing she could say to him that would make him feel better. She kissed his forehead and said, almost incomprehensible. "I'm sorry."

"I am all lone Scully…"

Her heart sunk with this realisation. He was all alone. His whole family was deceased. She loved him so much, and he had gone through so much already. There was no doubt in her mind that she would not abandon him. "You have me. You know this, right?"

Her words contained a promise. Despite all the unsaid and undefined things between them, he knew they would be okay no matter what. "I love you, Scully… I- I missed you so much."

He loved her; she knew that. When they were together, he tried to hold her close to him. It took all of her strength for her to not let her walls crumble around him; She knows what he meant when he says, "I missed you." Her withdrawal was undeniable. She needed to keep her distance. She knew they couldn't be just fucking buddies forever. They were so much more than that. They were going too deep, and she wasn't ready. It was the only way she could handle their intensity. Yet, she missed him terribly; she misses their closeness, their friendship. They had never said that to each other, not so directly anyway. For a millisecond, her heartbeat quickened, and with a slight tremble of her voice, she replied, "I -I love you too…"

His breath was becoming difficult, as he feared he had crossed a line. Nevertheless, he felt a deep desire to tell her he loved her. His heart ached for her. As much as he knew he was being needy, he desperately needed her to reassure him. His face raised to look at her. "Promise me you won't leave me."

As she stared into his eyes, her heart was filled with dread. She saw an array of emotions flash before her. He seemed so fragile and insecure. Feelings of guilt rushed to her. Mulder never hid his feelings for her. The choice was hers. It was clear he was waiting for her to be ready. However, at that moment, all she wanted was a chance to hold him in her arms and protect him. She could feel his exhaustion. Her hands gently caressed his face. "I promise." She leaned in for a soft kiss. "I will never leave you... uh… now get some sleep, okay?"

Her affection towards him made him feel better. Though he was tired, he didn't want her to leave him once he fell asleep. "Stay with me?" he said.

She embraced him into her arms. He leaned his head against her chest in contentment. She stroked his hair and back. "Don't worry, I'll be right here."

The motions of her hands lulled them into a dreamless sleep.

xxx

Things had changed since then. His journey had ended. Closure. Samantha's fate had been revealed. It had been a long journey. A quest that never seemed to end. Yet he couldn't let go. No matter if it meant finding Samantha's body buried in a forsaken grave, he was determined to find the truth.

The feeling of freedom was exhilarating. He was free, prepared to let go. Soon, Scully and he spent more time together. They had a more intimate relationship. Their dates became more frequent. And by dates, meeting up in his apartment to watch movies. Have a beer and talk about anything and everything. They would end up fucking on his sofa and sleeping entangled in each other.

Yet, Scully would try to keep a distance between them. She was still holding back on him. No words of love ever came back from their lips. They weren't affectionate towards each other either.

She was the only person he had left. The only constant in his life. He would probably be dead if she had not been there to support him all these years. She was his everything.

She had lied to him. That 'betrayal' left a horrible taste in his mouth. For a moment, he thought he was going to lose her. Despite his fury, he couldn't bear to see her distress after realising she had been used by the Smoking Man. The two had a hard time getting back on track after that.

Scully would occasionally go through these moods. She would become distracted and disconnect. Her behaviour was so irritating, despite knowing he should be patient. His words were lost on her. Clearly, she didn't care. Her refusal to go with him to London outraged him. It became clear they needed a break from each other. It was probably better for him to go alone.

They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. It took less than two days for him to realise how true this was. He missed her like crazy. Couldn't stop thinking of her. He was acting like a blockhead. Obviously, something was going on with her. His thoughts inadvertently come back to Ed. Jerse's ordeal. He got worried. He needed to go back to her. Aside from the trip being a colossal waste of time, the way they left things was bewildering.

Little did he know that Scully's whole life had changed in those two days. She needed closure as well. She never considered the possibility that she needed to see her ex-lover to heal from her past. To do that, she would need to confront all of her painful memories.

Her willingness to share so much with him surprised him. She confided without reservation that she had contemplated spending the rest of her life with that man. He couldn't help but feel jealous. Soon after, she fell asleep on him. He found this quite amusing. She would always drift off so easily.

In the meantime, he took a shower while she rested.

Ready to bed, dressed in his boxer shorts and a white t-shirt. He went to the living room to see how she was doing. When he walked in, she was still asleep. Then he sat beside her.

The cover he had placed over her had fallen off. It was then that he picked her up in the bridal position.

She awoke, wrapped her arms around his neck, and smiled. "Mulder... I can walk."

She didn't attempt to get him to let go of her. "I know... I know…"

In the dark chambers of his bedroom, the only light was the silver moonlight shining through the window. Placing her beside his bed, he stripped off her clothes. The act was extremely intimate. And yet she just stayed there, not saying a word, watching him taking care of her.

"Underwear on or off?" he asked.

"Off. But only if you get rid of yours too," she grinned.

"Scullyyy!" He chuckled, removing his clothes. "Are you making a move on me?"

She chuckled. "In your dreams Mulder."

He hugged her and carried them to his bed. Laying her on her back in the middle of his king-sized bed. He laid half on top of her, half on the bed. The moment she laid skin to skin with him, a shiver ran down her spine. Suddenly, she was very much awake. She looked into his eyes, running her hand through his dishevelled locks. She kissed him gently.

"I missed you." Sorry, I fell asleep. That emotional rollercoaster left me exhausted. I didn't sleep a wink."

"Are you feeling better now? You seemed kinda off when I left."

"I don't know, Mulder… uh… I- I was just feeling kinda edgy," she said.

She stared at him with a pensive expression. He caressed her cheeks as he murmured. "Speak to me, Scully."

"I… uh… I was questioning my life, you know. What if I had become a doctor? Am I even happy?... I was feeling so dejected and probably I was tired."

"So, are you happy?"

"That was the problem, Mulder… I didn't know… I'm always wondering about the life I left behind."

"After the experience you had. Did you find your answers?"

Softly caressing his arm, she tried to convey the depths of her emotions. "The sight of him lying there was shocking for once. My last encounter with him had been years ago. He looked very ill. It was frightening. However, seeing him was important to me. I felt like I was back in my youth when I didn't have a voice and I was feeling lost and lonely. I always looked up at him, and I was always his protégé. He was domineering, and we didn't have an equal relationship. He had a family of his own, so our relationship had no future."

"How you ended up involved with him?" he asked.

"I was quite young then. He fascinated me. I've felt flattered by the idea of a man with such interest and power would be interested in me. Perhaps... I suppose this made me feel rebellious. I fell hard for him. We weren't meant to be together, though. When his daughter found out about it, I knew I had to get out of there. Suddenly, I felt trapped."

He had one hand supporting his head and the other softly caressing her side. "That's when you joined the FBI?"

"Well, yes, that's what I needed. Though I feared this was yet another rebellious act. Daniel thought I was wasting my life. In his eyes, I used the FBI to get away from him. He brought this up again, by the way."

"Did you?" He inquired.

"I don't think I did. But sometimes I think I might've. It's a doubt that haunts me now and again. I became your partner shortly afterwards, and this has become my passion."

"Do you regret though?... uh… You've lost so much Scully. I wish you had never done it. I wish you have become a doctor. Married a powerful and rich doctor and had as many kids as you wished. I wish you had never met me." He finished. The pain of what had happened to her was clear in his self-loathing and guilt.

As his words sank deeper into her heart, she felt her heart grow heavy. He was the man she would never regret meeting. "Don't say this Mulder… please… I will never regret meeting you."

She kissed him on the lips, and he rested his forehead on her. "Scully… y- you lost so much since you've met me," he said.

"I thought everything was behind me when I left, Mulder. I -I often wonder what could've been. But today I realised for good that… that life wasn't for me. Meeting Daniel showed me that… that wound had festered inside of me. It prevented me from moving on and appreciating what I have now… I needed to see him have closure. For once and for all, I know for sure now. I wasn't meant for that life. Despite all the hardships I endured since then. I will never regret a single moment. I've met my perfect opposite. My constant. You're my everything, Mulder." She whispered, and she trembled, suddenly feeling vulnerable and raw. But for the first time, this didn't scare her. She wanted to be bared to him, let him in completely.

She never ceased to amaze him. It was the first time she spoke in such away. Open about her feelings for him. It sent a chill down his spine. He looked at her and replied. "And you are mine, Scully."

She felt the need to set things straight with him. For the first time in her life, she felt like moving on. Ready to put her heart at risk to be with him. "I love you so much, Mulder."

"Nothing is holding us back now, Scully. This is it for us. You are mine and I'm yours."

He sealed his mouth over hers, consuming her lips with his lips and tongue in a heated frenzy. In yearning for the warmth of her skin, his hands crawled up her ass. He could feel her hand sliding all over his back. He positioned himself between her leg. She could feel how hard he already was for her as he rested his hips over hers. It made her giddy with lust for him.

As he gazed into her eyes, he leaned in. He kissed her mouth, jawline, neck, and back to her mouth. Then he cupped her breasts. Her nipples stood up as he flicked lightly at one with his thumb. Then he squeezed using just the right amount of roughness, just the way she liked. He knew her body so well. It caused her to sigh with pleasure into his mouth.

He placed his other hand on her leg and slowly traced up her limb. His touches were fire against her skin. She fidgeted under his caress, eager for his flames, greedy for the inferno at bay. She opened her thighs for him, coaxing his hands upwards with one of her own. He smiled against her lips as she willingly showed him her need for him.

His mouth was on her breast as he sucked on her nipple, and then his fingers were over her, reaching for the sensitive bud at her core. With a combination of deep and gentle pressure, his experienced thumb encircled the bundle of nerves without stopping his ministrations on her breast. She was already writhing when he dipped a finger into her hot opening. She gasped, lifting her hips to meet his probe, out of mind with the desire to come.

Leaving her breasts, he murmured into her mouth. "Christ, Scully, you're wet. Ah, so wet. You are driving me crazy with your sounds and how wet you are for me."

Her sexy clenched and he smiled, dragging her juices up over her clit, then rammed two fingers inside of her. Luring a series of whimpers from her body. As soon as his tongue replaced his fingers, grazing her with velvet licks, she threw her head back to let a ragged cry. Plunging two fingers inside her, he returned his mouth to suck her clit. She was over the edge. Her orgasm spurred her to convulsions. "God, I love you." She felt the vibration of his voice in her slit.

Being able to share how he felt with no reservations was erotic.

As she lay shaking. He was now smearing kisses all over her. Making his way up her pubic bones, along her stomach, one hand cupping one breast while sucking her other nipple. Her body was burning. Her hands were tugging his hair tightly. "Fuck, Mulder…" she cried, unable to bear her desire for him to make her come again.

It delighted him to hear her hurl profanities at him. Crawling over her, he settled between her legs, his hot staff pressing at her quivering entrance. "Look at me," he growled, leaning his weight on his forearms. He align his erection with her opening and entered her partway. "Jesus, Scully," he hissed. "You always feel so good!"

She gasped as he invaded her. He was so big; she felt him fill her completely. She was drenched and didn't need any time to accommodate him. He adjusted her leg. It opened her up even more to him, so he sank deeper into her.

He had never felt so connected to any human being before. The way she looked at him with her blue eyes piercing his soul made him feel completely connected to her. Her walls crumbled right before his eyes. She held nothing back. At that moment, she had become entirely his. They kept their eyes locked on each other as he stretched and moved inside her.

He circles his hips, nudging his tip forward. "So good." He pulled out slowly, almost the entire length of his cock, and she bemoaned the emptiness left behind. Then he flexed his hips and rammed inside of her with a fierce stroke.

She cried out, and he echoed with a low grumble of desire. He pressed his chest against hers and captured her mouth, kissing her roughly with her taste on his lips as he pounded into her. Wrapping her legs around him as he continued his assault. Her heels hit against the back of his tights, digging into him as he moved in and out of her. Adding an additional level of erotism. Lifting her leg, she opened further and his cock bore deeper into her, hitting a spot within that ignited at each stroke.

Her orgasm built from there, her body tightening and clenching and contracting around Mulder's pummelling thrusts. "I'm going to come," she groaned, already trembling.

"Yes," Mulder cried. "Yes, come Scully."

Her climax crashed through her, brought to a head by his coaxing. Seconds later, his own body tensed and jerked, releasing into her long and hard, her name spilling from his lips.

He fell onto her quaking body, their chest rising and falling in tandem. His head buried into the crook of her neck as she pulled her fingers through his sweat-dampened hair.

"I love you, Scully," he said, his voice almost a whisper.

She swallowed, liberating any emotion that she once felt threatened by it. She wrapped her arms and legs around his body. "I love you so much," she said, letting him have all her affection.

Throwing a comforter over them. Together they dozed off, limbs entangled with one another. Satisfied by the feeling of belonging.

They have become inseparable since then, and their bond has only grown stronger. There has been closure for both of them. They have finally put the past behind them. It was as if a heavy burden had been lifted from Scully's shoulders and she felt less burdened and more playful.

He was lavished with affection and tenderness by Scully. He hadn't realised how catlike she was. When he strokes her hair, she almost purrs. It must have been difficult for her to hide her feelings. She used to never stay after having sex for more than a few minutes. However, he now understood she wouldn't be capable of maintaining her emotional distance otherwise.

Despite how much she enjoys when he fucks her senseless, she feels closest to him right afterwards. She loves feeling the weight of his body over hers. Curling up close to him, clinging tight to his warmth. Sharing tender touches and kisses. Those were the moments when she felt loved and cared for by him. The same goes for him. Those were the most precious moments. When he held her in his arms, he only wanted to smother her in his affection and love.

Sometimes his love for her overwhelms him. She never needed him like this. There is so much at stake for him right now. She was his life, his home, his everything. There is no way he can live without her. The thought of losing her was his worst nightmare. He'll do everything possible to protect her from them, from himself.