I would really like to thank everyone who has stuck with me and this story, and apologise for how long this update has taken. For some context, I'm a key worker, and this pandemic has really put a strain on both my time, and my ability to write. I hope everyone else has been coping with this crazy world, and will enjoy the next chapter.
What would you sacrifice?
"Professor, I'm here to pick up those quidditch- Oh, Professor Dumbledore I wasn't expecting you there." James tried to ignore the nervous flutter in his chest. He hadn't seen his headmaster in over a month since that incident with Snape. Rumours were that the old man had been called in to help with the war on Voldemort, hence his glaring absence during school meals. "Professor McGonagall had asked me to come by and pick up a list of applicants for next year's quidditch team?"
James was determined to win the quidditch cup again next year, it was his last year at the school, his last year as captain and he was going out in a blaze of glory. So, try-outs were starting early.
"Ah, yes. I believe this is it." Said Professor Dumbledore as he handed James a list of names, his blue eyes glinting in amusement. "Professor McGonagall has also asked me to remind you that Mr Black's lifetime ban in regard to playing quidditch, is still in place and that he should refrain from submitting his name every year."
"We both feel that's unfair Professor. It's his last year, and he's still being punished for a prank that happened in second year."
"A prank, that if I recall correctly, almost resulted in serious injury for several members of the Slytherin quidditch team."
"Almost resulted in, is the same way as saying that no one was actually hurt." Mores the pity.
He swore that he could see his headmaster's mouth twitch in amusement. "Be that as it may, you and Mr Black continue to display a lack of understanding, that actions have consequences." James had a feeling this was about more than quidditch. "And one of those consequences is his continued ban from quidditch."
"I'll let him know professor."
"James, if you would, there was something I would like to speak to you about."
"Professor McGonagall already gave me a lecture about Narcissa." And that had been bad enough, he did not need another one.
"No, not that," the headmaster said, waving James into a seat. "It's about your future after Hogwarts I am interested in."
Oh? James had always been clear of his plans to join the aurors. "Yes sir? I would still like to join the aurors and help in the fight against Voldemort. I had discussed this with Professor McGonagall, and she indicated that I was on track with this, if I could continue to work hard." Which he hadn't…but then James had never really had to work that much at school.
"Yes, I am aware of that conversation James, it is one of the reasons I wished to speak with you."
"Oh?" Now things were getting interesting. Was the old man about to let him in on some state secrets?
"There is an order, we work…alongside the aurors to oppose Voldemort. I founded the order and recruited its members from those I felt would be valuable in that fight, and that could be trusted to oppose Voldemort."
James hadn't heard anything about this order. "What is it? A secret society or something?"
"Not exactly, however, for security reasons I prefer that not many people are aware of the order. Or those who are members." Which made sense, James had heard of several aurors, and their families being targeted after successfully opposing Voldemort. "Which also means that only those I believe are trustworthy are asked to join."
James straightened; was he being asked to join? James wanted to fight Voldemort, he didn't need to do that as an auror if Dumbledore had a secret army he could join. "Professor, I would be honoured to-"
"I do not invite students to join until they are almost finished their final year. At which point, I had thought to ask you to join."
"So why are you asking me…wait, you 'had thought?' Have you changed your mind?" And suddenly an icy pit formed in his stomach. He knew what this was about. Why they were having this discussion now. "Please tell me this isn't about Narcissa?"
"Would you trust her with this information? That she wouldn't tell her parents about it? Her sister?"
"Yes," he replied without hesitating. "She's not like her family."
"I know. But would she be willing to cut them off? Would you be willing to ask that of her? Narcissa, and you by extension, would be a security risk in such an order."
What was this? A trial? James could barely stop his hands from shaking, the pit in his stomach had engulfed his body. "So what? I dump her, or I don't get into your stupid group?" He spat. "I don't think so. I'll join the aurors, Narcissa's dad has already offered to help pull some strings to get me there."
Dumbledore's eyebrow twitched at that. An odd show of emotion, as the old man's face had displayed almost nothing during their conversation. It was frustrating really, that he could remain so calm whilst James was starting to feel the urge to punch something. This wasn't fair. Narcissa hadn't done anything wrong, other than being born into a certain family. How was this any better that Voldemort?
"And how long after that do you think it would take before Cygnus asks for a favour? I'm sure it would be something small at first, but before you know it you are giving more and more of yourself to the Black family. Not a situation anyone wants to be in."
No, it was not. No more that this situation where he was having to choose between the person he loved, or the future he strove for. "You don't trust Narcissa because of her family, how are you any better?"
"This has nothing to do with the circumstances of Ms Black's birth. I have already discussed this order with Sirius and still feel happy to invite him to join when he leaves Hogwarts. Unlike Sirius however, Narcissa shows no signs of estranging herself from her family. She would want to protect them, and whilst I do not fault her that, you have to understand the obvious issues that would raise."
Why now? James could barely think and now he was being forced to weigh up his future like this. "This isn't fair," he uttered, not really thinking about it.
"It is not. As you said, you have options, however, I feel you would be a valuable member of this organisation. And a valuable ally against Voldemort. I do not want you to risk that without understanding why."
"Great." He slumped, not wanting to show how much the old man's words had got to him. "I get the message, can I go now?"
Dumbledore didn't appear phased by James' abrupt tone and nodded towards the door. His eyes already seemed to be focusing on a letter in front of him.
"Do you think Voldemort gives the same speech to death-eater wannabees? Watch who you date, they might be a security risk?" He asked, slamming the door behind him before he could get a response. Seriously?
He looked down at the parchment scrunched in his hands before remembering why he had even been there and turned to the Gryffindor common rooms.
He slammed the crushed list of quidditch applicants down on his trunk. "McGonagall is still saying no to you applying for the quidditch team," he half snarled.
"Annoying but we did expect this," his best friend replied from in front of a mirror. "What's got you in such a mood?"
"Nothing, it's just – is that hair gel?" He asked, finally paying attention to what Sirius was actually doing.
Sirius just shrugged, "it's really good at getting my hair under control. Connors recommended it, and have you seen how nice his hair is?"
"…not really paid it much attention. Why now though?"
"I told you," Sirius responded, turning back to his reflection, "I've got a date tonight. Besides aren't you supposed to meeting Narcissa?"
Narcissa? "Oh shit," James cursed, dashing for the door.
Luckily his knowledge of every secret passage around Hogwarts meant that James wasn't too late to meet Narcissa. Although he did show up without the butterbeer he had promised; and trying his best to straighten his clothes and wipe his hands on his trousers.
"Narcissa," he greeted her, trying to ignore the odd tension in between his shoulder blades. He would not let the old man get to him.
Narcissa crocked an eyebrow at him, "Awfully formal tonight James," she smiled at him before wrapping her arms around him. He struggled to hug her back, the tension in him holding something back.
"What do you mean?" He asked, as he escaped her hug. Trying to ignore the look of surprise that flashed across Narcissa's face.
"It's just you've only called me Cissa for months now. I can't think of the last time you used my full name." He had, he thought to himself. Narcissa always sounded so serious and unforgiving, which was so different from the girl sat in front of him.
"Sorry…but I suppose it is the name your mother gave you. I should probably try and use it more often." He half joked. God knows where that had come from. And judging from the roll of her eyes Narcissa thought so to.
"I prefer Cissa with you. But what's up with you. You seem upset?"
He should tell her, get it off his chest. "It's nothing. Honestly I don't want to talk about it."
"I always talk to you. Why won't you tell me what's going on?"
"I just don't want to talk about it! Okay?" He snapped before instantly regretting it. Why was he doing this. "I'm sorry there's just stuff going on in my head that I want to deal with first."
Narcissa fixed him with a level look, did women practise that stare?
"I'm just feeling stressed." He finally confessed, feeling some of the tension ease off his shoulder even just with those words. "I always thought I would be an auror, fight evil. It never seemed complicated before and suddenly I don't know if I can do it."
Narcissa's eyes widened in surprise "You're worried about exams? I never thought you or Sirius stressed about schoolwork. You both always make it seem effortless. Me? I make myself sick on the leadup, I get so worried that I can barely eat."
James seemed to zone out as Narcissa continued to try and cheer him up but decided against correcting her. James still needed to figure out how he felt about everything before talking to Narcissa.
"James?" Narcissa's voice finally managed to pierce his brain fog. "Are you okay? If you want to give tonight a miss that's fine. We all have days like that."
I don't deserve her. "No, Cissa, sorry can we just do something that doesn't require thinking? Or talking?"
"What are you talking about here?" Narcissa asked, one eyebrow raised and an odd look on her face.
What did she think he was…"No, not that." He realised suddenly what it had sounded like he was suggesting. "Not unless you wanted to?" He said half hopefully. They hadn't slept together since the miscarriage. And whilst James was happy to respect Narcissa and give her time and space…he was game if she was.
"No, not yet," she shook her head, almost looking amused. "Every time I think about it, I…" She pulled back from James, telling James everything he needed to know. She wasn't ready yet, and maybe she never would be with him. Although that was a strange thought.
"So, what can we do that doesn't require thinking?"
And suddenly James knew exactly what always helped when he didn't want to think. He gazed around the room, waiting to see if the ever-knowing room would be able to pick up on his thoughts. And there they were, two…slightly old, but functional looking broomsticks. He grinned as he nodded over to them, "One on one quidditch?" He asked.
"Seriously? You have to know you'll win."
"I'll take it easy on -" but by then Narcissa had already raced towards the two brooms, grabbing the slightly better of the two and set into the air. She cackled with laughter as James stumbled after her, trying to catch up. Even as they both took off into the air, the room around them was changing with suddenly cavernous ceilings allowing them both the room to fly.
As James drew level with Narcissa, she was already bouncing the quaffle up and down in her hands. "Standard rules?" She asked with a wicked smile on her face.
"Of course." He said, and just like that it was on. Narcissa darted towards him faster than he would have expected and lobbed the quaffle through the goalposts behind him.
"One nil." Narcissa smiled at him. And just like that, it was on. James had to admit, Narcissa more than put him through his paces. She was faster than he was, and a hair more agile. Although James had her beaten on strength and accuracy. By the time they collapsed back to the ground, James had lost count of who was winning. They both lay on the ground breathing raggedly and laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.
"I won." Narcissa finally declared.
"What? You absolutely did not! That last goal did not count, it practically ricocheted off my head."
"Still went in the goal. That's all that counts."
"Is this what happens when you play a friendly against a Slytherin?"
"Well, you know we don't like to lose." That was certainly true. James had never seen such a competitive streak in Narcissa before.
"So why don't you play for your house team?" He asked, looking down at Narcissa, who promptly rolled her eyes at the question.
"How many girls do you know playing on the Slytherin team? Doesn't matter how good I am, unless I'm twice as good as any of the guys playing, I am not getting on that team."
"And the girls in Slytherin are okay with that?"
"Of course not! But you go to Slughorn and he just say's it is outwith his remit as house head." She said, imitating the head of Slytherin scarily well.
"Surely one of the other teachers would do something about it, Professor Hooch…or McGonagall even?"
"You honestly think they don't know? This isn't new, I'm sure they've already noticed that the number of girls in the Slytherin House Team, is about equal to the amount of brain cells in the team. If they cared, they would have done something about it years ago."
That was true, James supposed. Although it was strange to think that teachers who seemed to care so much about justice and equality ignoring those same qualities when something was happening right in front of them.
"Still doesn't seem right though…but thank you. For letting me do something fun and not making me talk about what was going on."
"You think I don't have days where I feel the same? Especially recently, and you always respected that." Narcissa leaned over and kissed him gently. God, he loved her. What the fuck was he going to do? "And anyway, I know you want to be an auror, but maybe if that doesn't work out you could play Quidditch professionally? You're definitely good enough."
He was, James knew that. He'd even had coaches from some teams come up and visit him last year to talk to him about it, but it never really interested him. "Nah, I don't think that's for me."
"Why not though? I mean think how stressed you were just thinking about becoming an auror, and we both know it won't be any easier when you actually get into the job. But look how happy you were playing quidditch! How much happier your life would be playing quidditch, how much happier both our lives would be." Narcissa cut herself off, looking more annoyed at herself that anyone else.
"Cissa, I want my life to mean something. How could I be happy when there's so many awful things going on around me, if I didn't do anything to stop them?" It was probably the first time he had ever thought about it that way. "What did you mean though, that we'd both be happier?" He asked, reaching out to her.
Narcissa sat up, not quite pulling away from him, but he could feel her withdrawing. "It's nothing. I just…I spend so much time worrying about Bellatrix, about whether something happens to her and I'll never see her again. I love you so much and I hate the idea of spending my life worrying about whether you're going to come home."
Narcissa started pacing around the room, her hands moving in jerking movements, as if she was having a conversation in her head before verbalising it. James didn't want to interrupt whatever internal monologue was going on, so he simply waited. "I would never ask you not to be an auror. I don't want to make you feel like you're sacrificing something to be with me, I just thought if there was something else where you would be equally happy then that would be a better option."
"I'm sorry," James replied lamely. Not quite knowing how to respond.
Narcissa seemed to shake herself at that, "No, don't be stupid. I knew you were the most Gryffindorian of Gryffindors when we got together. I can't then hold that against you."
"Is Gryffindorian a word?" And they both started laughing. "Look, let's just enjoy our remaining time at Hogwarts right now, and not worry too much about what happens next?"
