Words from an unknown man… that make Kirito push forward, without fail, until… well, you'll see. Here is the first and only chapter, potentially, of No regrets. There is a reason I am quoting Attack on Titan's OVA.
I sat on the throne, almost like a King, despite me not even being close to it.
I couldn't hear anything around me, whether that be Asuna or the various other girls I had helped along the way. I was in my own world, with only darkness surrounding me. My own body was consumed by that darkness, so only my mind could weep softly, as I couldn't move. The feeling of uselessness continued to fester inside me.
'Why? Why couldn't I do anything?'
All of the people I had lost… they all had been lost to me, because I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't deserve to stand. I couldn't, even. I was just stuck inside my own mind, consumed by the dark thoughts that surrounded me.
'Why didn't you save them, you useless prick! You could have saved Yui, Asuna, everyone, if you weren't such a goddamn loser!'
"No…"
I put little resistance against the thoughts, because I knew that they were right.
I am a prick. I acted like an edgelord, and constantly undermined my own wife, just because I couldn't handle her being a girl, in SAO. She died… when I should've protected her. Not to mention… all of my friends.
"Enough, you socially awkward, boneheaded edgelord."
"Huh?"
I was swiftly met with a punch in my face, as I turned around to see the source of the voice.
I closed my eyes on impact, and just laid on the floor of my mind.
"That's what you get for all the shit you made me do for you. Putting me up to do all your dirty work."
His punch was weak. But… I still fell to the floor, and I didn't move. I didn't speak. I didn't even think.
"Kirito, was it? Or would that be Kazuto?"
I didn't, or I couldn't, look at the person who came. His voice sounded vaguely familiar, but I didn't think about it. But he sat down, next to me, with… almost an indifferent aura around him.
"The people you love, and those who love you are right there, next to you, waiting for you. They are just outside your mind. So why do you not look at them?"
I didn't answer. I felt like he already knew the answer, but wanted me to admit it. Like that younger sibling that just tells you to admit something to them, even if they know what you did, and how you are feeling about it.
"Kirito, answer me."
He addressed me like a friend. His indifferent aura lessened, and I felt the aura feel… calming. It was firm, however. I could tell that much. He wasn't going to let me off without an answer.
"Because… I'm responsible for so much, that it's not even worth it. I've failed… every one of them."
My eyes were closed, trying to have time pass, so this person who came in would just leave me be. But… I still felt his footsteps, him walking around me, trying to think in a circle.
"I don't deserve to be with any of them. Asuna… she deserves better than me. All of them deserve better than me."
I instinctively covered my eyes, almost letting out a small amount of tears, but the unfamiliar man pulled them away. I still didn't look at him,looking at the side. I couldn't look at anyone's face.
"So… you're just going to stay in your own world, till you die?"
He sounded frustrated… like he had seen this path beforehand.
I didn't answer, again. But this time, he didn't need it.
"Of course you did." He sighed, and I could hear him put his hand on his forehead in frustration. "You're an idiot, Kirito."
"But… they don't need me. No one needs me. I failed everyone."
"So what? You're going to use that as an excuse not to do a damn thing? You are going to continue being this antisocial asshole thing? You are going to continue wearing black in this darkness until they make something darker for you to wear?"
He made it a joke, but… it just made me feel hollow inside.
I looked at my hands… weak and unable to do anything.
"What can I do?"
My fists were shaking with sadness and fear. I was stuck in place, inside my mind, where no one would ever reach me. I was… beyond help.
I managed to get on my knees, but my legs gave out trying to stand.
"If this was the price that I had to pay to get here… I never would have joined Sword Art Online that day. I would have spent time with my cousin, and she never would have had a crush on me, and Asuna could have beaten the game, without my interference."
"But then you would have never met Asuna, or lived with Yui. Is it really worth losing those two, plus the memories and friends you have made along the way, for the trauma that you've gone through?"
I didn't speak, again.
"Stand. Fight, Kirito."
He stared down at me. I felt his passion directed at me, even if I still didn't even know what he looked like.
"For the sake of those you have alive… stand!"
"I…"
I tried to move again, but my body and my brain just... wouldn't let me.
I wouldn't let me.
"Can't."
I saw that he pointed, but I didn't look.
"Here. Look outside, towards the dozens of girls outside there. Look at all of them, waiting for you."
I still didn't turn around.
"I can't look."
"You can't look. You can't fight. You can't even stand. Did the creator of SAO castrate you? Is that why you had no balls for the past few years, and even when you met up with me?"
I didn't pay attention to what he said at the end, because I was on the brink of tears.
"Bringing up my anger won't do anything."
My feeling of guilt was amplified. I couldn't save my friends. The memories of all the girls filled my head. They were all waiting for a useless hero to wake. The memories of the past filled my head. I avoided my cousin, and many others… for what? For me to be surrounded in a personal hell, where I couldn't move, couldn't stand, and could barely speak?
A single tear left my eye. Then more. Then more. They continued to fall into the nothingness of my mind.
"All I have now…"
The faces of all the women, waiting for me outside… disappeared, truly surrounding me in darkness.
"Are my sins."
Nothing changed for me. I was still the socially idiotic, dense piece of crap that I always was. I couldn't help people when they needed it. I always let someone down.
That feeling… continued to persist inside my head.
"That's more than enough."
"Huh?" Anger, for once, infected my voice. However, I still couldn't move.
"You don't remember this… but you had a family. A wife, a child, and you all lived happily together."
My eyes turned inwards.
"What are you talking about?"
"Let me finish, Kirito."
He emphasized that name syllable by syllable. It sounded condescending, and I felt like he was acting like I was a child, and he was an adult.
I shut up, however.
"You all loved each other. You fought for them… till they disappeared. Till they were hurt. Then… you continued to fight for them. Even when there was no one left, you fought and won against all odds, for them."
My fist clenched, trying to contain myself.
"You fought for them… and their ideals that you loved."
I turned around towards him.
"So what?!"
The man disappeared from sight, and all I could see was the girls, looking at me.
I saw all of them, looking into my eyes. Some worried, some happy, some terrified, some sad. But all of them… were alive, in front of my eyes, and all of them hadn't been lost to me yet.
"Well, the people you love are here now, and they still love you."
I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked back at that face.
"If you can't live for yourself, and your actions… live for them, Sora."
New memories flooded my head. Of a different timeline, and different minds. Yet that person… was nearly like me. Then more people's memories flooded my head.
More guilt consumed me. The person I loved… she had waited over a century, and many lives, just for me.
I looked at all of them, with my new knowledge.
'Asuna… I remembered when she had short, white hair. Her daughter… she lived, because of her. Fortuna… it's been so long. I'm sorry… I couldn't protect Emilia.'
The negative voice came back.
"She died because of you. You killed her. Out of love? No, out of insanity."
I was shaking, with the new information that I had gained with just one word.
"Kirito." He spoke firmly, snapping myself out of my daze.
"It's… been a while since I've heard that name, Rahul."
He lent a hand to me, but I stood on my own. I finally knew who the man was, and everything became clear.
"I know it has."
He sighed.
"So… you're going to stand now, Kirito?"
My legs started to buckle, but eventually, I stood up tall.
"Good. Wouldn't want another one of your harems going astray."
I chuckled.
"Why did I get their love?"
I held a sad smile on my face.
"The same reason that Shirou, and technically you, got a harem of girls in nearly every damn timeline. Because he, and you, saved them all."
I looked over at his face, after so many years of being inside this world. It had been so long since I had seen him, and yet, he wasn't like I saw him that time ago.
He was nearly clean shaved, with only a small stubble to prove he had grown any facial hair. Yet… he wasn't the baby face I last saw, as he had lost the baby fat on his cheeks, and scars ran down it, with hardened yet gentle eyes at the center.
'Surprised that he didn't have a lot of girls go at him.'
"It's hard to believe that... They all love me. I feel like I don't deserve most of their love."
"If you think they don't deserve your love, you'll be working even after you die to become someone they deserve. Remember, you were a bad guy in one timeline. Betelgeuse Romanee-Conti… Desu!"
"Alright, alright. You don't have to remind me of that name. God, that was cringy."
He laughed at my groan, and I just sighed, with the memories coming back with his presence.
"But, if you ever need them… know that you aren't a burden to them. They love you for a reason, so don't be a stranger to them. Be who you are. Show them who you are."
He chuckled, weirdly enough.
"Why am I the one telling you this? They are right outside, ready to help you out."
I lightly smiled.
"Can't wait till I meet For-Asuna, again. I have so many things to tell her."
"It only takes one thing, Kazuto."
I looked over at him, slightly confused, and a tinge bit happy.
"You actually called me by name."
"Hmm." He just looked at me smugly.
"The name Kirito... you know it's meaningless, right?"
"Yeah, I know. I literally just combined my first and last name."
His eyes were narrowed into me, like he was saying, "This kid."
"Not my strongest moment, I know." I gained what could be called a blush on my face. It had been so long since I felt that.
"But Kazuto… that has meaning. Being harmonious… whole."
He patted my back as he said my name, staring at the girls who were awaiting me, outside my mind.
"Yeah…"
"Live up to your true name… Kazuto. Do things without regrets. Keep moving forward. Carry those memories with you, always. You give those lives meaning. That's the only way you can avenge their names."
I snickered.
'He's planned that response, hasn't he?'
"What?" He raised his eyebrow.
I sighed my last laugh out. "That's… easier said than done. But, you're right."
Despite my heavy legs, I ran fast.
I ran past the darkness, and I didn't look back at Rahul, who was silently cheering me on.
For that moment, I felt free. Like my name, whole.
But, the feeling didn't last too long, as I felt the crushing weight of the guilt and memories continuing to flood my head.
However, I clung to that feeling of wholeness as I ran back towards everyone, dragging my body away from the darkness.
"I will… try. Rahul, I'll be damned if I don't try."
The previous memories surged through my head.
But despite my broken memories, I wasn't going to lay down and remain broken.
I wasn't going to wallow in self-pity any longer.
I was going to move forward… to a point of No Regrets.
Anyways, thanks for reading. This is connected to my story of "The Last Avenger", so if you are interested, try checking it out. Anyways, I've got a lot to do. Thanks for reading.
