The coffee had started to soothe the incessant headache he'd woken up with, signs of inclement weather from hell heading their way.
His old scars and broken bones definitely agreed on the matter.
Esposito decided to forego the cream and sugar this morning, trying to straighten out his thoughts before returning to the bullpen, hoping to redeem his reputation somehow.
Well aware of the nervous glances drifting into his general direction; he'd done his best to keep a low profile, avoid everyone of concern by any means necessary, hoping it would give him the chance to refocus, start anew and make yesterday disappear like the bad dream that it was.
Halfway through his brooding, he noticed Ryan coming in, the detective's tense features turning to stone when he saw the black leather jacket hanging off his chair.
So much for having extra time to get the ball rolling.
Swallowing the bitter sip of coffee that felt like acid hitting his stomach, Esposito straightened out and slowly meandered toward his desk, picking up on the slightest hesitation in Beckett's voice from behind as she called somebody about video surveillance.
"Good morning.", he tried, sounding like he was choking on his coffee and causing Ryan's head to snap up, before the younger detective turned around to face him.
"Good…morning."
An awkward silence ensued as they stared at each other, Ryan's eyes full of hesitation and nervousness, like a hunter who'd just barged into a grizzly bear den.
"You ehm…you left some stuff in front of my door last night, bro. You didn't need to do that."
"Oh, it was just…", nervously fidgeting with his blue tie, Ryan let his eyes drift all over the place, anywhere but his partner, "Well…I knew that it had been a…a bit of a day for you. So, I thought I'd ehm…I'd cheer you up."
Somehow, despite the embarrassment he felt toward the situation, Esposito managed a smile that wore off on his partner.
"It meant the world, especially since I was the one being a complete jackhole. I mean, I am still certain that Lafayette is innocent, but I didn't need to say what I did either. So, I guess, I am…I am gonna apologize to Beckett when she gets off the phone."
"It's alright…", Ryan reassured, that smile turning a lot more genuine now, his shoulders relaxing visibly, "You are just human after all, regardless of what you might think."
"Yeah, well, you keep telling yourself that. But next time you come out, please do knock or call. I would have let you in."
All that previous lightheartedness washed off Ryan's features the instant he mentioned that, making him regret it immediately.
"I am…wait…what did you just say?"
"I said that next time you bring over goodies, at least show face. Knock or call or text me."
"Javi, are you sure you're ok?", his partner asked, going as far as trying to reach for his forehead, causing Esposito to jerk back.
"What are you talking about, man? I am fine."
"Javi, I was there last night, banging on your door. Nobody answered. I tried to call you and you sent the call to voicemail. Check your phone if you don't believe me. Heck, I almost broke down the door just to make sure you're alright."
Frowning, he took another sip of coffee, feeling the warm liquid slowly rejuvenating his weary senses.
"I was watching TV, maybe I didn't hear you. I'm sorry I missed you."
"Your TV wasn't on, man. Your whole place was quiet. There was no way you didn't hear me. I just figured that after what went on, you were mad and didn't want to see me or something."
By the time he looked back down at his coffee, the cup was shaking violently, nearly spilling over if it hadn't been for Ryan grasping his hand with both of his and holding it tightly.
Releasing a breath that threatened to put him over the edge, Esposito slowly raised his gaze back up, meeting those anxious blue eyes he dreaded to see right now.
"Javi, you look and act like some of these witnesses we encounter at our crime scenes.", Ryan began and slowly inched his index and middle finger toward his wrist to take a pulse, "Your heart is racing a million miles per hour, you look like you're about to pass out. Now, remember what you told me two nights ago, about the nightmares and the blood. Are you…are you sure you didn't have one of those…one of blackout events last night where you zoned out and can't remember anything? Could it be that this whole thing with Lafayette brought this on?"
"I…I don't know, man…", he answered truthfully, never realizing that Ryan had taken the coffee cup from his hand and slowly guided him over to the desk.
"It's ok. Don't worry about it, bro. Just…just keep breathing.", Kevin said soothingly, allowing him to sit down while pulling his own chair closer.
Esposito closed his eyes for a second, doubting himself when it he tried to recall the previous night just to come up empty-handed.
"What is the last thing you-", Ryan tried, stopping himself when a set of footsteps signaled Beckett and Castle approaching.
In an instant, his worried frown turned into a neutral façade of carelessness as he smiled at them, pretending to glance over at his inbox.
"Good morning, guys.", Beckett greeted, forcing him to join in on the act as he leaned back in his chair, cocking his head at their visitors, "Listen, ehm…Castle and I are heading out to grab a warrant for one of the video cameras we located near the Mission. It might give us an idea of who was following Larry. By the looks of it, he was running away from somebody. He had all his personal belongings packed and a witness overheard him having a phone conversation with somebody, saying that he was done. I am having a uni sent over to our murder scene to canvas any nearby dumpsters one more time, see if we can locate his stuff. In the meantime, get on the phone with the local veteran's support networks, see if anybody has worked with Lafayette before, or has any sort of ties to his clinic. It seems that whoever is behind all these murders is trying to clean up after themselves. It might help us figure out who's next."
Under the burden of the curious eyes watching his every move, Esposito nodded on auto pilot, sighing in relief when Beckett and Castle finally disappeared behind the elevator doors, leaving him with only one witness left to tackle.
By the looks of it, Ryan was feeling the exact same way, his hands clenching the fabric of his dress pants in a death grip, at a complete loss on how to proceed.
Eventually, he cleared his throat uncomfortably and stopped moving altogether, before looking back over at him.
"You think they noticed?"
"I don't know.", Esposito replied evenly, not caring either way, "And I don't remember what I was doing when all this started. I just woke up this morning and went to work."
"And you don't recall coming home last night? Watch any tv or take a shower?"
"Nothing, bro. Complete blackout.", he admitted, sounding more defeated than intended, causing Ryan's warm hand to appear on his shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
"If Gates finds out about this, you will be off this case faster than you can file a grievance. And you will be on mandatory shrink time for God-knows how long. I don't know about Beckett though. You can't hide from her. Eventually, she's gonna find out."
Nodding slowly, Esposito reached for his coffee again, grateful to see that the shaking in his hands had subsided significantly.
"I know. Let's just…let's just get back to this case for now. We'll figure out the rest later."
