"Well, that was the last of my leads…", Kevin sighed woefully, struggling with the distinct sense of disappointment lingering in the air as he hung up the phone after what seemed like hours of fruitless research.

Behind him, Esposito groaned in unison, running into the same roadblocks by the sound of it.

They'd gathered an impressive list of clubs, groups and non-profit organizations just in New York alone that catered to ex-military personnel, offering anything from financial aid to college education grants, clothes, insurance and day care. On top of their list had been places that also advertised free mental health screenings, the sheer notion of it sounding like a Sunday buffet for a guy like Lafayette who would be interested in picking off specific candidates for his questionable experiments.

Of course, he hadn't told Esposito about that part…yet.

And quite honestly, after this morning's performance, he wasn't so sure that he should tell him anything else going forward.

There'd been something deeply disturbing about seeing his partner so scared…so vulnerable. It defied everything Javi stood for. Then again, perhaps that was the very essence of PTSD.

Nonetheless, it had bothered him greatly, and Kevin was grateful that his acting skills had lasted all morning considering the fact that he was terrified for his partner's wellbeing when it came to this case.

"Can I ask you a question, Javi?", he finally said, barely getting the words out of his mouth and turned around to face him.

As though he was expecting a private conversation, Esposito's eyes became distant, that brick wall of self-defense mechanism back at full force.

"Shoot.", he replied, trying to sound casual but failing.

"How do you…", Ryan began, not managing to get the question out the first time around, "How do you switch from…you know…soldier to civilian? How hard is that?"

Visibly surprised, Esposito pondered on a fitting answer for a few moments, then shrugged.

"You don't, man. Once a soldier, you'll always be a soldier, no matter what. What you gotta do is to blend in again, act like you're part of the herd. Otherwise, they put a label on you and call you burnt out…depressed...a danger to society."

The deep sorrow and irony in those words made Ryan cringe and he nodded briefly, before pursing his lips.

"Do you sometimes ehm…go back to the person you were before enlisting, wishing you could be him again?"

"Are you kidding? If anything, the military saved my life, gave me a purpose, made me use all that excess energy on something worthwhile."

"But what about those episodes? What about PTSD? Do you still think it was worth it?"

His innocent question caused Esposito to lean in closer, his expression unyielding, jaws clenched for many long moments.

Eventually he let out a breath that felt warm against Kevin's face, before speaking up again.

"If you saw what I had to witness, you'd understand when I say that these…issues…are a small price to pay to keep everyone safe. It's a sacrifice I was ever so willing to make; many of us went a lot further than that and returned to this country in a box. It's my burden to carry in exchange for the people I love to live a carefree life. So yeah, it was worth every single day I spent overseas."