Disclaimer: I don't own the situations or characters portrayed herein. I'm just playing with them for a while.
Stemwinder 1, Part 3
He had had plans. It was supposed to be sweet and romantic. He was supposed to tell her he loved her, properly. Not chained together in a swamp. Not stuck in an elevator. They were supposed to be completely relaxed and comfortable with each other, holding hands and walking along a moonlit river with no time limit.
He had been going to do it right. And where was he now? At a phone booth near a supermarket where he hoped to catch a man who set him up for murder and treason. And where was she? At an ice cream parlor talking to him on a briefcase phone while the trappers of the entire agency followed her around D.C.
He had twenty seconds to tell her everything he wanted to before he had to gamble everything he held dear on an impossible chance, in order to regain it all.
"Be careful," he said, and then he couldn't take it anymore. "I love you."
He hung up. If he died, she would at least know that this had been killing him just as much as it had been killing her. She would know that she had made life worth living and the chance to spend it with her worth the risk of dying for it.
He bolted upright when she came in the door. He'd been lying across her bed, utterly exhausted, afraid every time he heard a sound outside the room.
He stopped her from closing the blinds. It was too suspicious, if anyone was watching the house.
"How did you get in here?" she asked, sitting beside him on her bed and putting her hand on his thigh.
"Through the front door," he said, reveling in her closeness and her touch and the scent of her perfume. It struck him suddenly just how absolutely filthy he was.
"You're hurt," she said, gently touching his head injuries.
He stopped her mothering. He didn't want mothering; he wanted Amanda. "Yeah... a window got in my way. Don't worry about it."
He took her hands in his and said the hardest thing he had ever had to say. "Amanda, I came to say goodbye."
He'd played his last card, and he'd lost.
She froze. "What do you mean, goodbye?"
"Exactly that," he said, shaking his head to keep the tears at bay. "I can't even go to Billy for help. Alexi's turned the Agency against me. Ironically, that's how I got him."
His voice was hoarse with pain and terror and lack of sleep, but none of that mattered as long as she understood why he had to go.
"Now, wait a minute; I'm all tangled up in this thing, too," she said earnestly, almost scolding. He should have known she would never agree to this. He should have just run, leaving her behind, safe in the world of normal people.
"Don't you see? As long as I'm out there on the loose, I can try and do something that'll clear us. I've gotta find Alexi before he goes under himself."
He rose, knowing that prolonging the inevitable would lead only to heartache. But he kept holding her hands and her arms, desperately clinging to her just a little longer.
"Now—I may be gone a while."
Her voice was low and almost businesslike. "How long?"
"As long as it takes."
What cruel twist of fate was this, to force him to say 'I love you' and 'goodbye' in the same moment?
He could not leave her without looking her in the eye and telling her how precious she was to him.
"Amanda...I meant what I said on the phone. I just want you to know that before I go." He swallowed, hard. "I love you."
Her eyes were shining with joy and unshed tears of pain and sorrow, and he did not want her to think this was just because he had to say goodbye. "I have for a very, very long time. I just... I was just never ready to..." Words failed him. "You know."
She reached up and gently smoothed his lapels, running her hands across his shoulders in a soft caress.
"I know," she assured him, and he didn't deserve her.
The doorbell rang, jarring them back to the present and its endless troubles.
"Now, they're gonna be up here in a minute," he warned her, but she cut him off.
"Now—wait a minute. You can't just walk into my life, hand me a package, tell me to give it to the man in the red hat, tell me that you love me and walk out of my life again." What started as scolding ended as pleading.
His heart broke. How could he leave her now?
He tried to protest that this was something he must do, but all he could manage to do was shake his head, smile a little at her earnestness, and whisper, "No."
Was he agreeing with her that he couldn't just walk out of her life? Or was he telling her that staying wasn't an option? He didn't know anymore.
All he knew was that she had slipped her hand behind his head and caressed his neck, and then he was kissing her for the first time in well over a week. They were real kisses with real love behind them, so different from Sonja that they wiped away the painful memory of her lips and brought him absolution.
He kissed her once more, then pulled her so close that his stubble caught on her hair. She smelled like everything that was right with the world, and he did not want to let go.
At last he pulled back from her. She kept her hands on his shoulders, and the thought of losing her touch when he left was agony.
"Look—I'll get word to you."
"I'm going with you."
She couldn't. How could he keep her safe if she was with him?
"No."
"Yes."
She'd be a wanted fugitive instead of just being considered an unwitting accomplice.
"No."
"Yes."
She'd have to sleep in boxes, under bridges, in darkness and loneliness and squalor.
"No!"
"Yes!"
So why did he want her to come with him so badly?
"Forget it!"
She looked away from him but didn't let go. As much as he wished he could take her with him, he couldn't let her go.
"I'm going to a place that is so deep that you may lose your name, your way—everything! Now, Alexi thought he had me today. He won't miss twice. Hell, I don't even know what he looks like any more; I can't baby you out there."
Her voice was sharp now, and just a bit reproving. She knew him well enough to know that his choice of words was awful when he was upset, so she touched on the "baby you" thing just once and kept right on going.
"You won't have to baby me. Look! I'm gonna watch your tail, just like I always do. We work best together as a team, and besides that, we don't know what Alexi's gonna do next—it might be dangerous for my family for me to stay here, and I can't do anything to help them from an agency holding cell."
She took a deep breath, and suddenly he knew what was coming. His heart swelled and he couldn't wipe the smile off his face.
"And I love you, too."
He'd been so wrapped up in planning how to tell her he loved her that he hadn't even imagined her response. Even if he had, he would never have been able to comprehend the joy that blossomed throughout his mind and heart at hearing her say that she loved him.
He relented. "I guess it's your tail, too," he said, and leaned back in to kiss her. Then he turned to open the window and climb out.
When he was planning out his confession of love a week ago, this was not one of the scenarios he imagined.
