AN: Happy Tuesday!
Admittedly that doesn't have the same ring as happy Sunday but I was at a family wedding on Sunday in London (not where I live anymore) and it was madness. Then I didn't get back home till Monday evening, so here it is. Hope you all enjoy. We're starting to wind down some now as the end of the year comes to a close.
Chapter 32: Long for a life that is simple and planned
11th June 1994
The staff table at the head of the Great Hall was still missing Professor Snape, and the rumours were running wild. They were made worse by the fact that Dumbledore had yet to address it, and the rest of the staff body was being incredibly tight-lipped. Something in the air was a little bit different about that morning though. The way the professors shuffled and didn't speak, the way that their eyes darted to Dumbledore and then Snape's empty chair was telling.
Lupin had been at the table for yesterday's meals, but he was distinctly absent today. She wondered why.
Halley wondered if they were going to finally tell the student body what had happened. And then she wondered if they were going to tell the truth, because there had been a lot of rumours running around the students.
They ranged from the absurd - "I heard a student finally died in his class and he's fled for negligence," to something more probable - "He's moved to Durmstrung. They've finally given him a position as the Defence teacher under the catch that he starts immediately for their summer intensive programs."
Halley's favourite rumour was that he and Professor Lupin had run off to have passionate and hateful sex with each other somewhere in Portugal. That one was particularly funny because she had seen the absolute venom in Snape's eyes that night, and for some reason it just made her laugh to imagine it happening.
Just full-bellied howls of laughter any time she thought about it.
She would have thought she'd just finally broken down - the others around her had certainly thought so - but Halley was fine. She slept well. Better than she had ever slept without any aid from a potion.
This time, whatever Riddle had done to her had made her feel what she could only imagine was being ok. Just…purely ok. She wasn't having nightmares. She wasn't feeling despair. She wasn't even feeling guilty about Rowle's death.
She was just…ok.
Halley liked this a lot better than the false calm he'd put her under last year because this time, she could still feel emotions, they just didn't take over her whole being. Halley was able to separate them from herself - almost like she was putting an arm out to stop them approaching.
If she wanted to, she could feel them. They were there, rocking gently in some corner of her mind, but they stayed there unless they were called for. And why would she ever want to call them back when she could feel so…measured?
So…in control.
The thought sparked memories of her dream with Riddle, and Halley wondered if this was what her mind was trying to unconsciously tell her. What Riddle and Lupin and Rowle had been trying to get through her thick skull? That if she could just master control, if she could just push her emotions to the side, everything else would be so much easier.
Halley had thought she was good at compartmentalisation, but that wasn't what it was. She'd just ignored things because she had to. Until everything boiled over and she broke.
But she didn't need to break anymore.
A hush fell over the room and Halley looked up from her omelette towards the table. Dumbledore rose solemnly, troubled and weary lines on his face.
"As you are by now aware, Professor Snape has not been at the table for the last three nights. On the evening of the 9th, Professor Snape was made aware that Sirius Black was near the grounds of Hogwarts and tried to apprehend him. In the process, he was severely injured."
She'd wondered what they were going to say, but Halley hadn't really expected this. Maybe she hadn't known what to expect.
The room erupted into a buzz of noise, but Halley was trying to split her focus between the staff table and her own. The Slytherins seemed caught between pride for their head of house and concern. Now that he was gone, what would happen to them?
No-one did much to hide the treatment of Slytherins in the school system, and Professor Snape was the only one that really gave them a fighting chance - and if he gave a few unearned detentions or made a few students cry then it was to remind everyone that they shouldn't be messed with.
But, as she looked back at the Head table, she noticed that Dumbledore looked old.
Dumbledore hadn't called her back in after her meeting with Auror Bones. In fact, compared to last year, he'd actively ignored her. And she was alright with that.
It would have looked a little too strange if she'd been abducted by Black one night, and completely fine the next. Halley had tried to keep to her old habits and moods, but it was difficult to do. So much so that both Greengrass and Parkinson had pointed it out.
But she was ok with Dumbledore not taking interest in her wellbeing. It was easier this way.
He still looked old. He still looked like he was just holding the weight of it all together. And if that was the story he was going with, she couldn't help but wonder who was pushing it down his throat.
If the last two years were any indication, he liked keeping the things that happened in the school in the school. But the death of a student was not going to be overlooked - even if they thought the Basilisk was dead. And the Auror was from the Ministry which meant that they also knew what was happening.
She wondered how much trouble he was in.
"Professor Snape has received an Order of Merlin Second Class for his efforts, however as of now, he is under firm instructions to rest and give his body time to heal. As such, I cannot comment on his return date after the summer holidays but I assure you, Professor Snape is a headstrong man and will do his best to get back to his regular activities. Professor Sprout will take on the Slytherin Head of House duties for the short remainder of the term."
He took a breath, and then began speaking again. "We have also been notified that our Head Boy has shirked some of his end of year duties and cannot be found. If anyone sees Mr Rowle, please ask him to come to my office, preferably before his graduation."
Halley expected him to sit back down, and from the buzzing still in the hall, it seemed everyone thought the conversation was over. But Dumbledore nodded to them all and then left the table.
From beside her, Parkinson asked, "You've not seen Rowle, have you?"
Halley shook her head, keeping herself from looking too…anything. They wouldn't see Rowle again - no-one would know what happened to him unless Riddle decided it so. His family wouldn't even have a body to bury.
A part of her wanted to ask Riddle if he would. She owed him that at least. If they could just…put his body somewhere it could be found on the Hogwarts Grounds, it wouldn't be too odd of a cover story; the Head Boy left a few nights before the end of his final school year to blow of some steam and got 'caught' by Dementors.
But the answer was probably going to be no. And just because she could control herself now didn't mean she was anywhere near as strong as Riddle.
So Rowle would be disposed of, and only a few would know what had actually happened.
That was sad. Halley felt the emotion nudging forwards and the sensation was odd but not unpleasant. She pushed it away and was left with a thought.
Rowle's help wasn't for nothing after all.
"I've never known him to just disappear like that," Greengrass said. "He was trying to find you that night. Did he?"
"No."
"Where were you? You disappeared for hours and then you were just in your bed the next morning." Parkinson looked at her with obvious interest, but it didn't make much of a difference to Halley.
"I fell asleep in the library," she said softly. She was risking something by lying; if they found out she'd been with Dumbledore most of the evening - or that she'd been caught up in that stupidity with Black and Lupin - then they would undeniably try and get the events out of her. But there were too many lies and secrets piling on top of each other, and Halley was quite aware that if she wasn't careful, something would slip.
"What were you doing in the library so late at night?" Greengrass asked.
Halley shrugged. "I just wanted to be alone. No-one uses the library after exams are over, and Madam Pince is a little less grouchy."
Greengrass hummed but let it go. Her silence was filled with the talk of the rest of the table.
"Do you think he's coming back?" A Second-Year student asked.
"It depends, doesn't it," another answered.
"But…who'll take care of us?"
A chuckle came from somewhere close to her and Halley looked over to see it was Nott. He pushed back his hair nervously but looked at the two Second Years. "No one looks after the Slytherin's but Slytherin's. It's better you learn that now than next year when the likes of the Weasleys and Boots start their reign of terror again."
He wasn't wrong. They'd stopped for now, and hopefully they'd learnt their lesson. But Gryffindors were stupid. And if Snape wasn't back, it would be an open invitation to attack.
"But - they've…stopped now. Nothing's happened since -"
"They didn't stop out of the goodness of their hearts, idiot," Nott said. "Someone made them and it wasn't the professors."
Halley looked at him sharply. Did he know what had happened, or was this just a better understanding of how their house ran?
A loud clinking sound cut through their conversation as Parkinson placed a teacup down on its plate. "You should be careful about spreading rumours, Nott. People might get the wrong impression."
Nott nodded with a small smile. "Silly me," he said. "Parkinson's right. The Weasleys stopped tormenting Potter because they felt like it."
Parkinson narrowed her eyes but said nothing. Nott put his head down, putting pen to paper and continuing on with the letter he must have already been writing. The two Second Years looked at each other, and then lowered their heads and ate their breakfast. That section of the table went stiffly quiet.
That was very odd.
Halley put the occurrence in her 'things to remember for later' because Nott's letter reminded her that she had things to do. Namely, find Lupin and send a letter to Riddle.
But Nott did have a point. Whoever the Seventh Year Prefects were next year - and Halley assumed it would be one of the ones who were there that evening that the Weasleys got what was coming to them - they would need to keep a better eye out on the twins. Who knew if they would retaliate, but if they did it was going to be something nasty. History had already proved that they didn't care who they hurt in the process, so long as their culprit learnt their lesson.
She twitched at the memory of the spiders and the pain they brought.
"Potter -"
She was brought out of her thoughts and found herself under Parkinson's bored gaze.
"I've been told to invite you to my mother's summer gathering. I take it you'll be there?"
"I believe I will have to decline as I have prior engagements with my own family."
Parkinson narrowed her eyes but nodded. She already knew Halley's guardians didn't like magic, so if nothing else, her decline of the invitation hopefully wouldn't alienate her in some way. But it was incredibly annoying that Parkinson had done it in such a public place.
"Maybe next year, then," Parkinson said.
"I hope so."
His door was open, his things packing themselves into the battered suitcases he must have brought with him. He turned as she entered, her shoes making clicking against the stone and alerting him to her presence.
Lupin looked over her worriedly - almost frantically - as if to check she wasn't injured. He took a single step towards her that Halley mirrored, taking her across the threshold of his office, and Lupin froze, his outstretched hand falling to his side.
"I'm sorry - I didn't mean to frighten you."
She was confused for a moment until she realised Lupin thought that she was scared of the werewolf. But she hadn't even seen the ends of his transformation - though the cracking bones had reminded her too much of Weasley. But he wasn't going to transform right there and attack her, was he? So, was there even anything to be afraid of?
"Are you alright? I didn't - Sirius didn't hurt you, did he?"
Halley shook her head. "The Dementors did more harm than anything else."
He winced. "I'm sorry."
"That wasn't your fault, sir."
"Still. If you and Mr Rowle encountered them…that must have been terrifying - and he's not turned up for any of his last lessons. I hope he's…"
She didn't say anything. She'd hoped that the conversation wouldn't turn to Rowle, but the chances weren't low. He'd been there. They'd seen him. And she hadn't mentioned him to Dumbledore or the Auror. Had Lupin?
If she could find out what he'd told the headmaster without it seeming suspicious, she would try. And if Dumbledore started asking her questions the -
Halley pushed the rising anxiety away and felt some of the tension in her jaw release. It would be ok. She could take things one step at a time if things became a problem.
"Why were you in the tunnel that evening?" Lupin asked, breaking her out of her thoughts.
"Rowle was teaching me Occlumency."
Lupin seemed surprised. "What would you have been doing at the shack when there are tens of spaces in the castle?"
She looked down, as if embarrassed. "I - I was trying to impress him." There. Let him think it was a girlish crush.
And it seemed to work because a small understanding smile crept onto his face for a moment before it fell. "I hope he didn't…"
Take advantage of you. As if that would be much different from everyone else in her life. Halley had never been assaulted like that, but if it had happened, what else would she have done other than hold it in and try not to crumble? Just like with everything else.
"He had no interest in a Third Year," she said quietly. "He thought it was 'cute'."
Lupin hummed. "There'll be others that are interested in you - and are your age -" he stammered uncomfortably.
"Maybe."
"Why Occlumency?" he asked quickly.
Halley looked up at him. His cheeks were slightly flushed - probably from the direction the conversation had headed. "You gave me the idea when you suggested meditation. I thought it would help me control my thoughts better for the Patronus."
Now it was his turn to be confused. Or maybe it was shock. Lupin turned around slowly and walked further into his office. Halley followed, closing the door behind her.
"Where did you hear about Occlumency?" he asked.
"From someone in Slytherin."
"Of course."
An awkward sort of silence buzzed between the two of them; one not knowing what to say and the other biding her time. Finally, Lupin broke it.
"What was Sirius talking about?"
"When he said I was meeting someone?" she asked. There was no use in hiding it, but if she could play it off as something she'd been thinking about, he would probably let it go. "I don't know. Maybe…maybe he saw Rowle and I in the shack and thought something else."
"He said you were in danger."
Halley shrugged, turning her hands upwards in an I-don't-know motion. "I'm not. No more than I ever have been."
"Right." He nodded, though he looked troubled at that so Halley changed the subject.
"They say you've resigned," she said, tilting her head slightly.
Lupin gave her a small, sad smile and sat down on the chair he would usually sit on during their Dementor lessons. "I'm afraid so."
"Did they find out what you were - what you are?" She saw him flinch and draw back a little at the reminder of that night.
"No they didn't." He looked at her again with gratitude in his eyes. "I have you to thank from what I hear. You didn't tell the Auror anything."
"I didn't do it for you," she said immediately. But maybe she shouldn't have. It probably would have been better if he thought she'd kept his secret out of some sense of loyalty, but then what?
The gratitude dimmed, but his smile didn't change. The corners were still raised gently. The kind of smile that didn't take effort to make. "Thank you, nonetheless. Not many would keep that a secret - no matter their motives."
She walked further into the room. There was a second where she thought that she would stay standing. It would have given her a vantage point, but Halley did feel some kind of fondness for the man who had taken the time to try and help her. Even if it was because of some long-dead loyalty to her parents. Instead, she walked over to her stool and sat down, and the familiarity of it left her feeling some kind of way that was difficult to capture.
"Why resign then?" she asked instead of trying to analyse it anymore.
Lupin let out a humourless chuckle. "It's not very fair to Professor Snape, is it? And Dumbledore wouldn't ever say it, but I think he's lost a little bit of trust in me."
She frowned. "Didn't you tell him that Black was innocent? Or that Pittegrew escaped?"
Lupin didn't say anything for a moment. "Do you remember when I gave you the map?" Halley nodded. "I gave it to you knowing full well that we - James, Sirius and even Peter and I - would have wanted to tempt you out of the castle. To explore the grounds. But we never thought of the risk it would be to anyone."
He paused and swallowed. When he looked at her again, Halley saw tears gathering in his eyes. "Sirius would have even found the risk funny. He was always a bit like that, straddling the edge between risk and danger. And when I saw him that night…he was a shell of the man that I once knew, and somehow he'd grown into the man he might have been. Dangerous."
"He's still out there, though," Halley prompted.
Lupin licked his lips. He breathed out, and it came in shudders. "I know. I told the headmaster about the truth and I think he believed me. But until there's something to prove his innocence, Sirius is as good as dead."
"You want to help him."
"Still incredibly smart," he said fondly. "I do. I think I owe him that much, and if I can help him get back to a…saner mind then I will."
Halley couldn't help but wonder if that would even work, but who was she to tell him what he could and couldn't do? Her opinion didn't matter.
Her face must have shifted during her thoughts, because Lupin was suddenly reassuring her. "Don't worry - I'll keep him away from you."
It was gracious. And Black had seen Riddle, so keeping him away from her - and by extension Hogwarts - was probably a good idea. "Thank you. Well…" there was an awkward pause. "Thank you for trying to teach me the Patronus charm."
"It was my pleasure." He paused. "Halley…I know I've already asked you - and this isn't my place - but are you actually ok?"
"I'm fine," she insisted.
"You're allowed not to be. You learnt some…very alarming things that night."
He was talking about James and Lily.
A tendril of hair had fallen into her face and Halley tucked it behind her ear. "I'm fine," she told him. "James and Lily are dead. Does it matter who killed them?"
Lupin opened his mouth, and she realised that the way that had come out was troubling. She shook her head in annoyance and beat him to speaking. She didn't need any more 'checking on.'
"What I mean is - it doesn't matter what happened to them when it doesn't change the fact that they're still not here anymore."
That sounded better to her own ears. Less…detached and more resigned. Adults seemed to think that being resigned was a far better feeling than being detached, didn't they?
He was still sitting on his stool, but Lupin moved like he wanted to stand up and approach her. He didn't, and she was grateful.
"Are you…are you angry with your parents?"
"What?" The question threw her. She wasn't expecting it at all, and she had no idea what he was trying to say. "Why would I be angry at them? I don't know them."
"For…for not -" Lupin cut himself off, deciding against saying whatever he was about to say. For whatever reason, this was a subject he wasn't willing to broach. He sighed. "If you ever want to talk - or want some help - I'm here. Hedwig will know where to find me."
She smiled. "Thank you, Remus. And I hope you find what you're looking for."
She didn't mention that she hoped he found him Kissed.
Nothing happened between her visiting Lupin and the final day of school. But as she was packing for the train, Halley was called to Dumbledore's office by a sour-looking Greaves.
She had so little that she brought with her that all it took was folding her clothes into her battered suitcase - "honestly, Potter. You have money!" - and wait for the rest of them to be done.
But now she was here, she couldn't help but wonder if he'd found out what had happened that night - if he'd realised she was lying.
Dumbledore was trying awfully hard to meet her eyes, she realised, and so she focused on the bump in his nose where his half-moon glasses rested. It was enough that she was looking in the general vicinity of his eyes and not directly at them. Riddle had told her that there was a chance he'd be able to bypass the shields he'd erected for her, so it was better safe than sorry.
"Do you know why I called you here Halley?" he asked.
It was an obvious trap if she'd ever seen one, but she didn't fall for it. And she also made sure to remember that he was far more effective at getting what he wanted from people than she was. He had to be if he was still the Headmaster after everything that had happened.
"No sir," she responded.
Dumbledore hummed and he clasped his hands together on the desk. Halley used that movement as an excuse to look lower. His fingernails were jagged and looked sore. Did he bite his nails?
"I wanted to check in with you about that night."
Halley felt panic begin to rise up her throat like bile and she swallowed it back down. He didn't know - if he knew then he wouldn't have called her to his office to talk alone.
"What about it?" she asked. The unease made her voice weaker, but that wasn't necessarily a bad thing considering she should have been traumatised by Black kidnapping her.
If there was truly something wrong, the Auror woman would have been there too. Maybe it was about -
"Have you been in contact with Mr Rowle recently?"
She cursed her bad luck. "No sir, we didn't talk much."
He looked at her, eyebrows furrowed with age and possibly mistrust. "It's the last day of term. Mr Rowle has failed to return his Head Boy badge, and has not been seen by his peers for quite some time. The staff and I are worried that something has happened to him. Did you see him at all on the night Black attacked?"
Halley shook her head hoping that Riddle's work would keep her protected.
Dumbledore looked at her closer for a moment, and then after too long a pause, deflated like a balloon losing air. She was unnerved by the sudden change in his posture and something in the air felt less pressurised.
"Please believe me when I say I don't fault you for perhaps wanting to lie or hide the truth."
Panic engulfed her before she could shut it down. "I'm not - I haven't seen him. I don't talk to him."
"I'm not upset with you Halley. You've been at the effect of quite a few insidious events over the last few years."
The way he phrased it was neither a statement nor a question, but it was somewhere in between and Halley didn't know what to do with it or how to really answer it. Those sorts of questions were dangerous because if she answered them wrong, the consequences were usually harsh. And while she knew that Dumbledore wasn't the Dursleys, she couldn't shake the feeling that she was going to step right into his trap. Whatever it was.
"Perhaps," he began and then took a deep breath. "Perhaps you're just unlucky. Or perhaps this is a fault on my part."
What did he mean?
"In my age, perhaps I haven't considered my hubris as I should have. I believed that I could keep you all safe within the walls of Hogwarts, but the last three years have shown that to not be the case. And for that I am truly sorry." He paused and his face aged again.
Halley sat still, waiting for him to continue because she didn't know what to say or what to think. Her House faulted Dumbledore for a lot of things, including the general dismissal of their safety, but there had never been an outright acknowledgement of it. And especially not from him.
"My actions have been the cause of direct and indirect pain."
"To…Hogwarts?"
"To Hogwarts, and to you."
What?
"When I placed you with the Dursleys those years ago it was against the better judgement of some. But there is old magic working at hand that protects you from Voldemort's followers and I thought that it was the better course of action."
Halley tensed at the way the conversation was going. She didn't want to bring up the Dursleys any more than she wanted him to ask her questions about Rowle or that night. And she knew this information already. They'd had this conversation before.
"But I did not realise how badly they would treat you until that night you asked if you could live with another family. Do you remember?"
She nodded. Of course she remembered it. He'd known and he had let her go back to that house. It was the night she realised that Dumbledore was just like everyone else. That he was willing to overlook something because it was harder to find an alternative.
Halley wasn't even sure that she faulted him for it. What value did she have to anyone other than being The Girl Who Lived? And even though Quirrel had died, Voldemort had left his body. He was still out there. And Riddle had basically confirmed it. So what did that mean for her?
"I went to them that night."
Her head snapped up. She'd not known that, but she had wondered why they had moved her into Dudley's second bedroom unprompted when she came back. They still used the cupboard to punish her, but other than that one time last summer - after Riddle had taken her away - they'd not hurt her. Halley had counted her blessings but had been on edge the entire time.
Dumbledore looked at her sadly. "I understood then, the conditions I had left you in. I would understand, Halley, if you could never forgive my actions. But I have tried to do better - I will do better."
"But you won't change it, will you?" The words came out of her mouth without her permission and Halley bit her tongue quickly. She shouldn't have said that. It wasn't going to do her any good.
"Not as I wish I could." He looked so sad, but she was having a hard time caring about it.
They were still having the same conversation as they were two years ago. What good was it that he went to the Dursleys with a warning if it meant that they hated magic even more? What good did it do her if she was still trapped in that house, with no foreseeable escape?
Riddle, at least, was giving her something she could use later - when she could finally do magic without the Trace on her.
"Have they been treating you better?" Dumbledore asked.
She shrugged. "They don't treat me worse."
He frowned. "Please tell me if anything happens. Their actions cannot go without consequence. If anything happens, tell Mrs Figg. She was put there to help keep an eye out on you."
"She's a witch?"
"A squib. But she has a direct line of contact to me at all times."
Swell. Halley was having a hard time seeing what her use was. Where was Mrs Figg when Riddle had taken her off the street in broad daylight?
Voldemort had yet to be able to find her. Halley was more concerned about Riddle popping up to her than Voldemort. Voldemort had the opportunity to kill her in her first year and somehow didn't. Riddle had already caught her in a Vow.
Maybe it was naive, but she certainly felt one was more dangerous than the other. If they ever did team up…it would not be good.
But instead, she said "ok," and she waited for a dismissal. Only Dumbledore wasn't finished yet.
"If you know anything about Mr Rowle that you felt you couldn't tell me before, please tell me now. Until he graduates, he is in my duty of care. And as much as it may not seem like it, I do care for all my students."
"I haven't seen him. I hope he's ok."
The words left a slightly bitter taste in her mouth and Halley kept her eyes firmly on the bridge of Dumbledore's nose.
"I do hope so." Dumbledore made a noise somewhere between enquiry and concern before looking at her one final time. "The train will be leaving soon. I expect you have a few things left to do before then."
"Yes sir," Halley agreed. He nodded and she stood up from the chair, leaving the room with as normal a pace as she could, down the stairs and past the ever-encroaching eyes of the gargoyle that stood guard at the entrance to the staircase.
She only let herself go when she was far enough away that she knew no one and nothing could see her.
Whatever happened going forwards, she knew that she needed to convince Riddle to do something with Rowle's body, and she needed to do it soon.
AN: IMPORTANT QUESTION:
There are only 2 more chapters for the end of this year and I'm planning to take a couple of months off to write the next year and just...have a bit of a break as lots is going to be going on. But I wanted to know if you would prefer to have Year 4 continue on in this fic, or if I create a new fic for it?
I have an inkling as to what I would like to do, but I'm still in the pros and cons stage, so let me know what you would prefer.
See you all in a couple of weeks :)
