TRIGGER WARNING!

Toxic household, Child Abused, Pill Addiction.


The sound of the bedroom door slamming became even more meaningless after all their bickering. I walked in with tears in my eyes. I used to do this, when they started screaming at each other. Blaming and accusing each other, but ultimately blaming my presence for everything. Everything is my fault, I shouldn't have let myself exist. Why didn't they kill me in the first place if they thought of me as trash.

My back was against the door to my room which was locked tightly, hoping the walls of this room could hold back the sound of their screams. On the other hand the dark voices in my head started reminding me of the things they had just shouted at me.

"You stupid girl at least work for us."

"You're just troubling us with your stupid mental illness,"

"We shouldn't have you, you're just adding to the burden in our lives!"

"Be a bitch like your stupid mother at least you'll make money"

"What do you mean you drunken man can't even pay for me and your stupid daughter!"

Playing back the sound is like a broken record. Echoing it was like a mockery that had to be there to hurt me, it could be there to make me strong, but what if it wasn't?

The pain always lingers, it's not a physical pain but a pain in the soul that can kill me from within. This tortured me on many occasions.

My fingers fumble for my headphones on the littered floor, put them on and start turning the volume up, trying not to listen to their bickering.

They keep fighting about their affair, isn't that hypocritical? They both commit an affair so why blame each other as if one of them is the victim.

In reality neither of them was right.

If it doesn't work out with that, all the anger and irritation will be poured out on me. I hate that, hate what they do.

I don't want to be anything like them.

I hate them every time they do this.

Why are those things being vented to me?

Do I deserve that?

My body began to tremble violently, my breath began to feel tight and my heart began to beat fast. My tears started to fall profusely along with the sound of things breaking from their fight. I wrapped my arms around my knees tightly hoping it would stop the shaking and tightness in my chest.

My life still has to last at least for my friend. But why? They will leave me alone, like the others did. Those people will just leave me alone and they don't care what happens to me.

But what if they care? No they don't care, whatever happens to you they don't care. You can't even feel anything when they're around you, you see they're just pretending to cheer you up.

So stop pretending like they actually care about you, because they don't.

No stop! I tried to stop the dark voices popping up in my own head. The voices that started terrorizing my head viciously.

I'm not going to drown in my anxiety or this stupid depression. No I won't lose this time, I can still hold on for myself. I still have a friend who will be with me no matter what.

I had to, even though I might end up losing.

Trying to hold on isn't such a bad thing.

I tried to move my limp legs towards my bedroom drawer, I had to get some pills. I tried looking for it and I found it, it will save me from this complicated reality of my life.

My anti-anxiety pills, he's like my hero who also stabs me second by second.

I took it and swallowed it quickly. I'll be fine, this is something I'm used to. Not a rare thing in my daily life.

A few moments passed, it felt like the pills were starting to work, my body started to stop shaking and my breathing started to return to normal. My heartbeat is still fast but not as tight as before.

The side effects of the medicine, my heart will beat erratically, my eyes will blur. But it saved me, at least for now.

Who else can relieve my anxiety besides that stuff?

Wearily I sat down beside the bed and leaned against it. Tears were still running down my cheeks, my mind was starting to feel empty.

I was wrong, and always have been.

Why is my life such a mess? Even though I didn't ask for much, I just wanted to live a normal life. But in fact my life when it was very messy. At least they didn't keep beating me.

Only a few times.

I miss certain times in my life, like when I don't have to think about what tomorrow will bring, because I know everything will be okay. Or when I no need to just look for a coping mechanism to save me from the pressure they put on me.

These days are starting to become normal days for me, the older I get the more I see. My parents weren't heroes or good people. They are just like me. But still I can't stop crying thinking about their words and fighting.

They're my parents, I still love them after what they did, isn't that stupid? I know it.I now understand the reason. The reason why they never look happy. I don't want to be like them. Won't be selfish, and hurt someone. They didn't divorce because it would make me sad and hurt, but look now, we're all hurt.

This vicious circle is torturous, they get in trouble outside and bring each other down and then it ends with me.

They think I'm shit because I have some mild heart problems and panic attacks, they don't think why I have them. And that means it's my fault, I'm too weak.

They don't care about my efforts to make them proud, they just always realize my mistakes. They didn't appreciate anything I did as a child.

What did I do wrong? Why? Why don't they kick me out if they hate me? Do they need an outlet? Helper to clean up the mess?

What do they really think of me?

After years of thinking about that question I still don't understand where I went wrong.

Depression and anxiety haunted my teenage days. I'm nineteen now and everything is so much heavier for me, it's exhausting me.

The anxiety and depression were too bad, much worse than I could have ever imagined when my early life fell apart. I can see someone in front of me screaming in front of me they love me. I'll hear it. But the voice in my head says no they don't... no one does. It kills and always wins, like no one understands.

Now I just want a little happiness, or at least be able to run away from this feeling. Feelings of sadness and guilt over everything. I want to go numb and float away forgetting pills might help, but where's the courage to do it?

I lay on the cold floor right beside my bed, the thing I used to do to fall asleep I always knew the cold could kill me slowly. Although I'm not sure fate will hasten my death.

But I think it will be better. I forced myself to sleep in this messy, bad and pathetic place.I just want a miracle just this once, please. Let me escape for a moment from my sad last hope before closing my eyes.

—❀—

My body felt a foreign sensation, like hovering in free air. This sensation forced me to try to open my eyes, checking whether I was dead.

In some points I doubt that.

My eyes fluttered at the big trees that towered up, obviously I was in the middle of the forest. Really? It's strange, I walked around looking for someone who could answer thousands of questions in my head about where I was stranded. My legs walk to step on the ground without any base.

The humid and cold sensation soil seeps into my feet, I feel the cold trying to cover me. Luckily for me because the warm white dress covered myself from that cold sense. Even though I really don't mind getting cold.

I admit the fact I wear a long white dress is a strange thing, this is not the clothes I use before I fall asleep. And of course I don't have this kind of clothes like this in my closet. I didn't bother and started walking along the sun to get out of this forest.

This forest feels no stranger to me, I keep going until finally I arrived at the high cliff which leads to the beach.

I sat on one of the fallen wood, staring at the calm waves accompanied by the wind that blew my sweeping. I don't know where this is. But somehow here it feels peaceful and calm.

I sighed this beautiful, I noticed the scenery around me. My attention was distracted, I saw a woman walking on the side of the beach. Somehow my eyes could reach the woman's face clearly.

She was like Sarah Clarke a younger version, I wondered how she was here, but I knew the real question was how I got here.

Before I could do something strange memories of me, filling my head with her. She as Reneé Higginbotham, a woman who became Isabella Swan's mother.

The memory filled me like a film that was directed for me to see.

Women who have childhood with a lack of affection from father due to divorce and difficult and bitter mothers, but also hardworking and loyal.

They are back, very far away. Reneè girl cheerful who likes fun, creative and artistic, but acts and inconsistent. After what she passed she could enter into a strong woman list.

Even if she is not the best mother.

How can she survive with life like that? Depression and Anxiety managed to sink my life and I could not return to the surface. It is strange to see someone with a heavy life but always spread positive energy.

I smiled at her, she could say lucky with the relationship between the child and mother. At least hers mother still loves it even though it doesn't show her love clearly.

I shook myhead quickly to stop my mind which began to compare a life again. Everyone has their own way we just have to accept it. No matter how hate us.

The whole life of her was seen in my eyes early meeting Charlie Swan and married until Bella's birth. I'm confused now why I'm here and show their lives.

But again I didn't bother and stayed there looking forward to their meeting, Charlie and she met at First Beach. Maybe today is the day.

I sat there waiting for the event to happen, but it seemed like I was not destined to watch it. My gaze began to blurry, darkness began to pull me slowly.

What happened to me?