I have at least three other stories I should probably be updating, but let's face it. After Thursday's reveal we're all spiraling. I decided to put together a one-shot of some thoughts that were circling my head re: Bernie's return, the letter, and just how much Kathy might have known...

TW: Lewis conversation, PTSD

Happy reading!


His fingers tapped against the steering wheel impatiently.

He promised he would be home to see her this weekend. Granted, she almost certainly had no recollection of their earlier discussion, but he made a promise nonetheless. Promises held a greater significance to him since he has returned from Rome.

Honking, he swerved around a blue Hyundai that didn't know their gas from their brake pedal, and sped along the LIE. As he drove along, he felt his mind slip back to the conversation he had with Olivia the previous night and he internally cringed. That was not exactly how he wanted that conversation to come about but in his altered state all he could focus on was Liv. When that Albanian chick stuck her tongue down his throat, it took all of his strength not to picture her…not to moan her goddamn name. He knew at that moment he needed to see her. Needed to let her know that everything said in that goddamn letter was written under the assumption that Olivia had moved on. However, it had become increasingly clear to him over the past few months that she hadn't.

And neither had he.

They were still Benson and Stabler. Liv and El. Despite a decade's worth of separation, there is still an underlying comfort that they find in each other. It is, as it always was, unexplainable and inextricable…but moreover it was constant and reliable.

In a parallel universe, it will always be you and I.

Shaking his head, he realized he had driven on auto pilot for quite some time and had just turned onto his family's block. As he pulled into the driveway and threw the car in park, he took a deep breath in, held it and exhaled slowly. Opening his driver's door he could hear his family before he saw them, prompting him to take another deep breath as he fished his keys out of his pocket. Turning them in the lock, he threw open the door to see Kathleen and Richard consoling a hysterical Bernadette Stabler.

"Mama? Mama what's wrong?"

Her head snapped up at the sound of her son's voice, her bright blue eyes searching for the very same ones she created.

"Elliot? Oh, god Elliot!"

He watched as she pushed her grandchildren off of her and made her way over to him.

"Is she ok? I saw it all over the news. What happened?"

Elliot sighed as he rubbed the bridge of his nose. Gently grabbing her by the arm, he walked her over to the living room where the rest of the children were sitting.

"Mom, I'm sorry to have to tell you this but Kathy passed. Do you remember? We just spoke about it, you told me you were going to come to the funeral but you had a spell?"

Seemingly getting more frustrated, Bernie shook her head and ran her fingers through he short white hair.

"Ok, ok, ok," Elliot soothed. "Let's just take a seat first, I've had a long day Mama."

"You can't take a seat! You have to go find her, she needs your help!"

Feeling his frustration start to rise, he looked to his children for assistance. Maureen was the first to speak up, shifting closer to her grandmother on the couch.

"Grandma, Mom passed. There's nothing else that can be done."

Flailing her arms, Bernie stood up and peered down at the family around her.

"Stop trying to pacify me, I'm not crazy! Elliot she's been missing for days there has to be something you can do!"

"Mama, Kathy-"

"I'm not talking about Kathy!" Bernie shouted. "I'm talking about Olivia, she's missing Elliot!"

Elliot's brows furrowed in confusion.

"I just saw her yesterday, she's fine. I promise."

Bernie stared at him, outwardly dumbfounded.

"That's impossible, I just saw the news. That horrible man has had her for three days. Three days!"

Reaching for her hands, he wrapped them up in his and lowered his voice to speak to her as gently as possible.

"What year is it, Mama?"

Scoffing, Bernie took her hands back, folding her arms over her chest.

"It's 2013, Elliot, I'm not that far gone."

As Elliot's concern about his mother's current condition began to grow, he heard a small gasp from the couch. Elliot turned to look at Kathleen, who was presently holding her hand to her mouth.

"I think…I think I know what she's remembering," Kathleen murmured solemnly. "She's recalling…well…you know."

Looking at his middle daughter, he gave a slight shake of the head. He was beginning to feel as though he was the one losing his mind.

"What is everyone talking about? What happened in 2013?"

A silence fell over the room as each of his children looked at each other before looking at him. He could feel his anxiety starting to rear its ugly head and searched through his mind's toolbox for a grounding technique. He closed his eyes and quickly ran through his five senses, accompanying the technique with some deep breathing. After feeling as though he was able to starve off the impending doom, Elliot opened his eyes to see all of his children watching him warily.

"Someone…anyone…needs to tell me what's going on. Right now."

Lizzie peered over Richard's shoulder, raising her hand slightly to get her father's attention.

"They're talking about Olivia's kidnapping eight years ago…don't you remember?"

"Remember? How can I remember something I never knew? How come none of you ever told me? It's Olivia for christ-sake, she put her neck on the line for more than half of the people sitting in this room!" Elliot bellowed.

Meekly, Lizzie continued.

"But…we did. We spoke with mom. She told us that you were very upset when you heard and that we shouldn't mention it because it would just stress you out. So we didn't."

Staring at his youngest his mind started reeling. Olivia was kidnapped? Kathy knew? Kathy knew.

"Dad, wait you really…you really don't know?" Kathleen asked, completely flabbergasted.

Instead of answering, Elliot turned on his heel and headed for the front door, pausing for a moment to grab his car keys off the entry table. As he opened the door, he could hear his mother yell,

"Find her, Elliot! She needs you!"


Elliot knew he was never the perfect husband; he could never be that much of a dolt. Still, that's not to say that he never tried his best. He thought he did right by Kathy, he thought he always did right by Kathy; whatever she had asked, he obliged. She wanted to separate, they separated. She wanted a divorce, he, reluctantly, signed the papers. She wanted to reconcile, they reconciled.

She wanted him to move past his relation-

…partnership with Olivia, he moved on.

All this time. All this goddamn fucking wasted time in having his wife's best interest in mind, where the hell was hers? Did she ever act in his best interest? Did she ever strive to make him as happy as he did for her?

He banged his fist against the steering wheel, livid, as he entered the city. God, he feels so stupid. He can't stop thinking about how vehemently he scolded Kathleen as they got ready for Kathy's funeral.

Your mother never told a lie.

What a fucking crock of shit. There were lies everywhere, tarnishing an already blemished marriage…he was just too goddamn blinded by his overwhelming need to keep his Catholic guilt at bay in order to see it. Turning onto the Henry Hudson, he headed north, and said a silent prayer that Olivia was indeed home. It was late, but not too late meaning that it was still completely probable that she was still in the office working on a case. He picked up his phone and considered calling her to let her know he was on his way, but then promptly put it back down in the center console.

Better not, they've always been fond of running.

Within another five minutes or so, Elliot pulled up to her building. As he entered her building and slipped into the elevator, he drummed his fingers incessantly against his thigh trying to calm himself. He was brought back to reality by a quiet ding as the elevator opened up to the fifth floor. Ambling forward, he turned the corner and headed for Liv's apartment. Bringing his fist to her door, he was not all too surprised as it swung open before he could knock. Olivia stared, almost as if she were looking directly through him to the wall on the other side of the hallway, her face cold, unreadable. She was dressed in black yoga pants, a white tank top and a furry cream cardigan that looked at least two sizes too big. Raising an eyebrow in a silent inquiry, he returned her gaze, waiting.

"Kathleen called."

With that, she turned and walked back into her apartment leaving the door open for him to follow. He found her in the living room, occupying the reading chair that he had sat in just twenty some-odd hours ago. She had a glass of whiskey in her hand, the rest of the bottle resting by her feet on the floor, within her grasp.

Ah. So, it was going to be one of those conversations.

Olivia nodded towards the clean, empty glass on the table.

"I'd take that if I were you. If you don't want whiskey, the liquor cabinet is over there."

"Whiskey's fine."

She picked up the bottle from the floor, holding it out to him by its neck. Taking it from her grip, he pulled out the stopper and began pouring.

"Oh, I'd do more that that," Olivia commented.

He looked towards her, adding another splash of the caramel-colored liquor into his tumbler.

"More…keep going….yup, that should be enough for now."

Elliot looked down at his glass, three quarters of the way filled and felt his stomach churn. There's been very few occasions in their life where they had to have conversations such as these. Serena Benson. Sonya Paxton. Calvin. They reserved these moments only for times of true, unbearable pain…or death.

Shit.

Elliot sat down across from her on the couch, mirroring the positions they were in last night. He took a long sip, before setting the glass on her coffee table and watched as she did the same.

"Liv, I uh…what did Kathleen-"

"She said your mother was having a spell. That she was stuck in 2013 and worried about me because she saw the news…I didn't really hear anything after that."

Elliot felt the anger towards Kathy begin to fade as his worry for Olivia began to take over. She still wasn't looking at him. Well, she was looking at him but she wasn't looking at him. Her eyes were glassy and she appeared to be in a whole other universe mentally. Even after a decade apart he knew what Olivia Benson looked like as she was shutting down, and it brought him to his goddamn knees every time.

"Liv. I know…I know that I have absolutely no right to ask-"

"-but you're going to." She finished.

Elliot shook his head as he reached for his glass. She wasn't wrong. His mind was running rampant with horrible images of what could have possibly happened to her but he was doing his best to keep them at bay. This visit was about Olivia, it was for Olivia. He was not here to simply satisfy his own curiosity. If it truly was as public as his mother and children said it was, he could easily find out a lot about this case on his own.

"No. No, I think I've caused you enough pain. I just want to know if you're ok. I need to know if you're ok."

"I wasn't," She said abruptly, her eyes finally meeting his, her body returning to the present. "I wasn't…for such a long fucking time. If it wasn't for Noah coming into my life, I don't think I'd still be here."

Remembering she had a son, Elliot look towards the back of the apartment but Olivia waived her hand in dismissal.

"He's not here. He's at a sleepover with one of his friends from dance."

Taking a deep breath, Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and attempted to steady herself. As she turned back to Elliot's curious eyes, she began to gnaw on her bottom lip. Those eyes. Those goddamn baby blue eyes haunted every dream and post-Lewis nightmare she had. She thought about those eyes while she was tortured in her apartment, waiting, praying that she would see those eyes come through her front door to check on her like they did so many times before. She thought about those eyes as she was in the backseat of Lewis' car after being force fed vodka, a drink she made Elliot swear to never let her have after her mother's untimely demise. She thought about those eyes at the beach house, and how she would have done anything to see them one last time before Lewis had his way with her.

And now those eyes are here, staring, waiting.

"Elliot, I don't know...I don't know how to start this. A part of me always thought that you knew. That you had to have known. God, it was fucking everywhere."

"Liv, I swear to you. I had no idea that you were kidnapped. Had I known, I would've been on the first flight back here, you have to know that-"

"Stop!" She shouted as she covered her ears. "Please just stop. I can't…I can't hear that right now Elliot."

"Why? It's the goddamn truth, Liv."

"You know, I used to think so Elliot but it obviously wasn't. You left. You left me and I was stuck with a new partner that I had to train. You left and there was nobody there who cared enough to make sure I was ok after a bad day. There was no one left to walk me up to my apartment or make sure that I blinked my lights. No one knew to come after me. That bastard had me for two fucking days before anyone realized something was wrong. Jesus, Elliot do you have any idea how much I prayed to a God that I didn't even believe in for you to somehow show up and save me from that nightmare?"

He opened his mouth to speak, but decided against it and took another sip of whiskey instead. Gathering his thoughts, Elliot scratched at his beard before bringing his hand down to lap. She was right, this was all his fault. Had he just stayed, gone through another IAB interrogation and stood up to Kathy insecurities, none of this would have happened. He was sure of it.

"Olivia, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry just doesn't…it doesn't cut it."

She nodded, chuckling bitterly.

"Yeah it sure the fuck doesn't."

Bringing her tumbler to her mouth, she met his gaze once again. She examined the crease in his brow, his clenched jaw and tilted her head to side in question.

"Kathy knew."

She froze. Glass to her lips, hand trembling. She felt a rage inside of her awaken and threw her glass back down to the coffee table with a little more force than intended, the brown liquor splashing everywhere. She felt her heartrate begin to climb as her anxiety started to take over.

"She knew? Kathy…Kathy knew I was missing and…she didn't…she didn't tell you?"

Elliot nodded, his own anger returning as he could see the pain of betrayal in Olivia's eyes. Sure, she and Kathy were never the best of friends but Olivia thought that her and Kathy had, at the very least, come to a mutual understanding. They both cared very deeply for this man and Olivia made it her life's mission to make sure he went home every night safe to his family. Hell, she'd even helped their kids out a time or two and this was the repayment she received?

That's fucking bullshit.

Shooting up out of the chair, Olivia crossed the living room and went to open the window. It was getting too fucking hot. She could sense Elliot's presence behind her and held a hand out, signaling that he should keep his distance. She was livid but even so did not want to act on her emotions and bash her ex-partner's dead wife.

"Liv…I get it. I'm angry too."

Of all the things he could've said, he managed to utter the one statement that pushed all the logic out of her goddamn head. He gets it? He GETS it? Whirling around, she crossed the room quickly, shoving hard at Elliot's chest causing him to stumble backwards in surprise.

"No, Elliot you don't fucking get it. How dare you sit here and tell me that you do. You have no idea how much pain I fucking went through. I needed you. I needed you more than anyone but I figured since you couldn't have bothered to pick up a phone that you simply didn't care about me anymore. I lost all faith, all hope in what I thought we were to each other. Now I find out that the reason I suffered in isolation, battled PTSD by my damn self, was because your wife didn't tell you I was being held and tortured for four days? God-fucking-dammit!" She yelled.

Elliot kept his eyes on her as she started pacing, her breaths becoming more uneven with each step. He cursed himself for laughing at her that morning in her car, callously dismissing her concerns about his PTSD. He was a fucking asshole. Of course she saw his symptoms from miles away; she had them herself. A frustrated, strangled scream erupted from Olivia's throat, bringing Elliot back to the present.

"Liv…Liv c'mere," He said gently as he reached for her hand.

"No! Don't touch me!" She shrieked.

She jerked away from him violently, causing herself to trip and fall backwards towards the coffee table. Elliot managed to grab her before she hit the wood, wrapping him arms around her tightly. Her felt her fists hitting his chest, and held on tighter, effectively trapping her arms against his taut muscles. In the scuffle her oversized sweater had slipped down her arms and as he looked down at her, he could see small circular scars littering the top of her left breast and shoulder.

Cigarette burns.

As he swallowed thickly, Olivia leaned forward and rested her forehead against his cheek, fisting his Henley in her hands. Keeping one hand wrapped around her waist, the other moved to tangle itself in Olivia's hair as he turned his head and pressed his lips to her temple.

"Let it out, Liv. I've got you…I've got you."

"…I hated you." She confessed.

"That's all right…I kind of hate me too."

Feeling his own tears brim over, Elliot nestled his face further into her hair. He felt Olivia release his shirt and bring her arms up to lock around his neck. They stayed like that for a moment, soaking in the comfort that only each other's touch could bring before Elliot pushed back a bit. He brought his hands around to cup Olivia's cheeks, his thumbs gently wiping at the tears that stained her skin.

"I know there's nothing I can say to heal the past…but I can promise you that I am never making the mistake of letting you go again."

"El…" She started, her hands coming up to grab his wrists.

"No I'm promising you, Liv, ok? This is a promise. We spent our entire partnership, twelve fucking years, trying to keep everyone else happy…but that's done. That universe doesn't exist anymore. So, I'm standing here, holding you in my arms and I am telling you. I'm never fucking letting you go again."

Tightening her grip around his wrists, Olivia stared into the oceanic eyes that she once prayed she would be able to see one last time, realizing that she would get to see them far more than she ever imagined possible. As Elliot brushed a thumb against her lips, she parted them, releasing a breath that she didn't realize she was holding for twenty-three years.

"You and I?" She asked as she nudged his nose with hers.

"Always, Liv…always."


As always, reviews (and critiques) welcomed.