Chapter 39

She had been watching Shin sleep forever…exactly like a creeper.

Rei flushed, turning to look back out the window, but she was unable to keep her gaze from him for long.

He was so beautiful, sitting there sleeping. His face was relaxed, at peace – which gave him an almost boyish look, at odds with the auburn stubble that dusted his chin and his jaw. She felt her heart reach for him and yanked it back.

Somehow, Shin Mouri had jumped the massive, bottomless gap between her sense of duty and aversion to men, landing neatly just behind her heart.

No, she thought. Not just aversion to men. If she was honest with herself, she had an aversion to any partner – male or female. She had the Senshi. She'd had her grandfather and their shrine. Phobos. Deimos. She hadn't needed or wanted anything else.

A partner was supposed to be someone you could depend on, and Rei was smarter than that. If you let yourself depend on someone, you might as well just hand them the knife they'd put in your back later.

And then there was Shin.

Sneaky Samurai Trooper. She scowled. Shin hadn't come on to her, or tried to work his way into her personal space. He hadn't told her she was beautiful, or promised her ridiculous sentiments.

He'd quietly and calmly supported her. Had trusted her in the heat of battle, barely knowing who she was. He'd stood by her, let her lean on him, and shouldered the burden of the fight with her. Without asking for anything. Without cajoling her for more.

He hadn't been quiet when he'd reappeared in her life again.

And somehow, the absolute rage on his face, the menace in his eyes as he'd gone after her enemy, had just…gotten under her skin. He'd come for her. He'd rescued her.

But Rei Hino was not a girl who needed to be rescued. She had never been the girl who'd needed to be rescued. She rescued herself.

Except, of course, for when she couldn't.

She scowled again.

Shin was different, and it made her feel...entirely too much. Like she could be…dependent. Which in turn made her feel irritable and cranky.

He cared. He was quiet and thoughtful. Strong, but compassionate. He was smart and skillful and he'd broken into her own personal nightmare to rip her out and - how, how, had she ended up here? She'd prepared herself for everything but a man that hadn't asked her for anything.

Maybe that was it. Shin hadn't tried to take anything from her. He'd given instead. He had quietly fought by her side and given her nothing but silent support, and now he was under her skin, a thorn in her heart. But even as she bled, she wasn't sure she minded.

Damn him anyway.

Why in the hell did he have to be so…compassionate? Why couldn't he just…be what she expected? The Troopers as a whole were so different than most of the men she'd ever known, and Rei wasn't sure how to feel about the fact that she owed them not only her own life, but the lives of her Senshi – of Usasgi – and really, of pretty much everyone in her world if she counted the starseeds.

Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. Her gaze strayed to his form again, slumped in a position that had to be uncomfortable, chin in the palm of one hand, sleeping deeply. He was probably exhausted, if he could sleep like that.

Her insides went soft and warm at the sight of him, and instead of bristling this time, Rei tried to listen to her heart. He deserved her respect. They all did. They'd done so much for the Senshi. For their world. And she let herself take in the monumental gift, the sacrifices they'd made, the sacrifices they'd promised to continue to make on the Senshis' behalf.

They'd opened their world, their lives, without question. They'd come as soon as they'd realized something was wrong – as soon as they'd found a way. They were all connected, had been since the Underworld, and letting her anger and natural distrust stop her from valuing, from completely reciprocating that connection was a crime.

She trusted them, implicitly. She cared about them, was grateful that they hadn't suffered the way the Senshi had. And she was grateful for them. She closed her eyes, and breathed deeply again, trying to work through the mental debris she'd kicked up laying in a bed of her own emotional wreckage.

Several more breaths, and she was finally still enough to reach for the core of herself. Carefully, Rei brushed against her inner most self. And flet the wall in front of her emotions puncture, then split down the middle, creating a great big crack in the armor she'd built and maintained since her mother had died.

She needed Shin.

She trusted him. Not just as a partner, like the rest of the Troopers. She trusted Shin. And that meant so much more to her than she could articulate.

He would never let her down. She didn't know how she knew that. But she did. Shin Mouri would never drop her. And Rei realized that she wouldn't ever let him down either. Not if she could help it. And she needed that in her life. It was as if there'd been a part of herself she'd been unaware of – something hiding deep inside – and now that Shin was here, it'd woken up.

Shin had rescued her. Looked at her as if she were his whole world, and that part of her had shot up, from embryonic seedling to strong, tall tree.

She would never forget, as long as she lived, the sight of him bursting into the clearing, his face a mask of dark, fierce rage. The damage he'd done, the way he'd looked at her afterward – would be engraved on her memory forever.

He was the second male in her life - well, this life -to get completely past her own armor. Her grandfather, naturally, was the first - burrowed deeply into her own identity, and oh, thinking about Grandpa was a sharp knife in her heart. She breathed through the pain, tears creeping from beneath her closed eyelids as she fought to hold on to his memory despite the hurt.

And then there was Shin.

He pulsed through her blood, her awareness of him almost electric. He'd been there, inside of her, and she hadn't even known it until she'd realized, when they'd discovered everything so wrecked, that she was feeling panic - mindnumbing panic - at the idea of Shin going through the same pain she was suffering. At the time she hadn't been able to process more than that. Hadn't been able to process what that actually meant, how huge it was for her.

She was processing it now.

Like camera film. With a slow, careful patience. Waiting to see what sort of picture was developing. Trying to understand what it meant for her. Rei sat in the sunlight, staring at this newly precious person, feeling her heart pound and her breath come in quick gasps.

She thought about her last life then. The last time someone had burst through her walls, he'd betrayed her. He'd been weak, and had fallen to the enemy, turning on her so easily. She waited for doubt to creep in, but it didn't. She felt only calm confidence now.

Of course, those had been different times. Different people, even. She herself had been different. Rei knew one of her weaknesses was her struggle with change – change specifically related to herself. But maybe she'd already been through the worst of it.

…That was probably a lie.

Sighing, she sank back against the pillows gingerly, trying to avoid aggravating her wounds. While she'd healed a great deal, she was still tender around her mid-section and could feel the pull of stitches there. A great many stitches.

But beneath the aches and pain and bruises, the fierce power of Mars thrummed through her, filling her with confidence and quiet healing. Rei closed her eyes, savoring the energy as it flowed through her gently. She never thought she'd experience the joy of that warmth again.

As it had several times since she'd woken, the memory of everything she'd left behind cycled through her again, made her eyes burn, made her want to weep.

This time, in the quiet dusk, with someone nearby who made her feel safe, even if he was sleeping, Rei let herself cry. She let down her guard, and let herself be vulnerable for just a little while. It was all right, for just a bit, wasn't it?

The tears came silently, as she buried her face in her hands, but they were intense and seemed never-ending. She wasn't Usagi. She hadn't lost a warm, present family or devoted boyfriend. She had hated her father, his visits something she tolerated at her grandfather's behest.

But Grandpa...Phobos...Deimos...

Rei hiccupped as she thought about the shrine. The legacy of her mother's family. Her future.

She had failed them all. Had failed in her duties. How could she ever hold her head up again? How could she look anyone in the eye?

She'd barely been able to keep Usagi safe. Rei let the terror of everything that'd happened wash over her, through her, unable to control the shaking. She had barely survived, they had all barely survived, and she was so grateful the Troopers had come to help even as she hated that they'd needed the rescue, hated that she'd been too weak, too slow, too stupid to win the day. Her instincts had told her something had been wrong but she hadn't understood them, and too little too late.

Too late.

She relived the grief and terror of their secret vow to get Usagi someplace safe. The triumph of the moment Ami had devised a way for them to access their power - just long enough to get the Moon Princess safely away.

But the uncertainty of where she'd end up? That still ate at Rei. So very many things could have gone wrong, and they'd been so helpless against it all. She hiccupped again, covering her mouth with her hands lest Shin wake to the sight of her weeping like a madwoman, and scrabbled for something good to focus on.

She forced herself to remember that they hadn't been completely helpless. Not entirely.

A tiny flame of hope began to burn inside her as she remembered the terrifying mission Minako and Makoto had gone on to get the starseeds from the enemy. Dark and dangerous, with a level of risk so high Ami had almost nixed the job before they'd begun to plan it, their cleverness there had paid dividends. It had been far too arrogant to trust in their enemies' arrogance, but they had taken the risk and it had paid.

That mission had been frightening – mind-numbingly so, as she and Ami had bit their nails and prayed Venus and Jupiter made it back safely from the heart of enemy territory.

Keeping Usagi occupied and clueless had been one of the finest performances she and Ami had ever wrought. She was a little proud of them for that one. And it had been worth the agony, and the injuries. She might not have her grandpa the way he was. But he was safe now, and they could figure out a way to get him reborn into a good life.

Rei cried harder then, not sure if she was overwhelmed with relief or grief or hope or more, the emotions simply pouring out of her as she shook silently.

A strong arm wrapped around her shoulders, tucking her into an embrace against a warm, solid body. Rei sniffled, trying to reign herself in, but he rubbed her shoulder, making a soothing noise in his throat.

"Don't hold it in," he said quietly. "It's ok. Let it out Rei."

Rei curled into him, wrapping an arm around his waist and tangling the fingers of her other hand in his shirt, clinging to him desperately even as she felt ashamed for needing him so much. He held her there, tucked against him, pulling her hand from his shirt and linking their fingers together against his chest. Rei didn't try to stop herself then.

She let everything out. The grief and the terror. The hopelessness and the pain. Until eventually, she realized she was simply crying just to cry, exhausted but somehow still going.

She didn't cry for much longer after that.

His shirt was soaked on the side where she'd burrowed her face, and she had the grace to feel embarrassed when she realized that she'd drenched him. She pulled back reluctantly, untangling their fingers to brush her hand over the spot apologetically. He chuckled.

"S'ok. I like water," he teased. Rei laughed with him weakly as he clasped her hand again, folding it in his own. She leaned against his shoulder, staring at their joined hands where they rested on his leg.

"Thanks," she finally whispered.

He shifted, squeezing her hand. "You don't need to thank me for anything, Rei. I'm so sorry. I wish we weren't meeting again under these circumstances," he replied. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then pressed on. "…I'm glad we were able to find you. I'm so glad we were able to help… I'm honored to be here for you, whatever you need. Please, let us help."

Ugh. Why did he have to be so…Shin? she thought, even as her lips curved up and her heart melted, just a little. She pulled back again to look up at him, a quip ready to fall from her lips, when she realized that his face was wet.

He'd been crying.

He'd been crying for her.

The joke died on her lips. So did any remaining reservations she might have had as he gave her a sad smile and leaned forward, giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

Rei understood in this moment that Shin Mouri was more than just someone she thought she might be able to love.

He was it for her. She would never love anyone else the way she loved him now – a love that was somehow romantic and platonic at the same time. The knowledge set her completely at peace – at least in that regard. There was no more struggle. No more confusion. Just calm, quiet, conviction.

Rei cuddled into his hold, quieting, as she let the empathy and affection he cast off radiate into her bones.

He would never betray her.

Contentment sank deep into her heart.

He shifted beneath her again, clearly not sure how to interpret her reaction. "Rei…?" he whispered hesitantly, and Rei blinked up at him, hoping some of her emotion showed on her face.

"Shin. I'm so glad to see you," she whispered to him, her eyes brimming once more for a moment as that relief hit her again – hard – for just a breath of time before she got it under control. He closed his eyes then, furrowing his brow, then tucked her against him more securely, resting his chin against the crown of her head.

"I can't even tell you how happy I am to see you," he whispered back. And there it was again – that feeling of being precious, of being loved and needed.

"Shin Mouri," she said in a low voice, entwining their fingers again, "You're stuck with me now. Just try to give me the slip." He chuckled, the sound full of more desperate relief than humor, burying his face in her hair, eyes still closed, as if he were still taking her in, still trying to convince himself that she was here and real. Rei knew the feeling.

"I'm pretty sure you gave me the slip this time around. But don't worry. I'm on to you now. I could find you anywhere, Rei Hino. And I'd go to the ends of the earth to bring you back," he added.

She believed him. Rei let herself settle deeply into his hold, wrapping her arm around him more securely. "I'm going to hold you to that, Mouri," she whispered against his now drenched shirt.

"No need," he replied. "I'm not letting you out of my sight again,"

Rei closed her eyes, and felt safety and peace surround her. She squeezed his hand, gratitude for him filling the dark corners of her soul.

"Thank you," she whispered into the quiet room.

He simply held her close.