Chapter 41
Ryo kept his steps muffled to keep the silence of the house intact.
Cautiously, he peeked around the doorway to the living room, breathing a sigh of a relief when he noticed both Seiji and Minako asleep. Korin had fallen against the back of the couch, and Minako had shifted, sliding from his shoulder to his chest.
Creeping into the room, he grabbed the blanket that had fallen, tucking it around her more securely. She sighed but didn't otherwise acknowledge him. Satisfied, he gathered the tray of cold tea to bring to the kitchen and tidy. He had too much restless energy right now, and it felt only fair that they help Nasuti keep the house in shape since they'd invaded it yet again.
He straightened, lifting the tray, but paused as he took in the pair on the couch.
Seiji might have leaned back, but he seemed to hold himself stiffly, even in sleep, as if he were afraid of jostling his companion. As if he might wake at the slightest noise.
And Minako. Ryo sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. Somehow, she looked worse now than she had when they'd found her. Guilt crept from his belly, choking him, along with the gratitude that Ami had not been in the same condition they'd found Minako.
Looking at the Senshi of Venus made him want to go out and pound someone's face in. He wasn't an idiot. He'd seen the fear and unease in her expression when he'd found her at the top of the stairs, and he was going to do whatever he could to help Seiji take care of her – whatever that looked like.
Hopefully Seiji knew, because Ryo could barely handle Ami's distress. He admitted he had no idea how they were all going to move forward now. It wasn't like the Senshi were going to have a good cry and get over it. How in the hell did you move on from losing your entire world? Your literal entire world?
Ryo didn't know. If he were in their position, he didn't know if recovery would be an option for him. He didn't know where to even start to help them, and after Ami had broken down on the couch, it had begun to weigh heavily on his mind. And it wasn't just Ami he needed to help.
The Senshi were all his friends now, and he took their well-being very seriously. Just as seriously as he took the well-being of his Troopers.
He cast his gaze on Seiji's still form again, wondering how he was handling things. Seiji always seemed so in control of himself, so sure of his heart and mind, and Ryo envied Korin that steadfastness. Seiji probably had a good idea of what to do to help Minako and had already put that into practice.
Meanwhile, Ryo was a total wreck. It had been bad enough, seeing what had happened to Ami – helping Nasuti patch her up. But watching Ami cry had broken something inside of him, and he still didn't know what to do with himself.
And Minako? He let his gaze rest over her battered form again, gritting his teeth.
Yeah, he really wanted to go punch something now. He had no idea how Seiji was keeping calm enough to sleep. She was his teammate, and even just sharing that connection had him raring for violence on her behalf.
But there was nothing to exact revenge against. Not now anyways. There was nowhere to focus his rage, no immediate action to take to clear up this awful tension and grief. He couldn't go out and hack something up with his swords to fix this, and he didn't really know how to curb the urge to just…incinerate something until the Senshi all felt better.
The pot and cups on the tray in his hands rattled ominously, and Ryo forced himself to take a breath. The rattling silenced, and Ryo made himself stop staring before he did something dumb to wake Seiji and Minako up.
Get it together, Sanada.
He carried the tray to the kitchen. Nasuti was in her office and makeshift bedroom, probably researching their situation, so Ryo simply cleaned the pot and mug and tray, setting them into the drying rack as he leaned for a moment on the sink and tried to find a different direction for his thoughts. He tried to think about their situation from a less…emotional point of view.
How would Touma be processing everything now?
Ryo forced himself to think about just the facts – none of the peripheral.
Ok. So facts.
They'd all been taken captive by some kind of…entity into a terrible Land Of The Dead dimension where they'd been forced to fight for their lives without access to most of their usual weapons or abilities.
That was the first fact.
They'd had a final battle that the Troopers all seemed to agree had been bogus.
That was another fact.
The Troopers had then assumed that the Senshi had been sucked back to their normal lives afterwards – just as the Troopers had. When in fact, that was not at all what happened.
That was a harder fact.
The Senshi had returned home to find their entire existence devastated by some giant, nameless thing. That thing had then spent the better part of the months the two groups had been apart trying in its own fashion to devour the Senshi.
That was the worst fact yet. This really wasn't helping him calm down and think straight. How did Touma do this so rationally?
Next.
The Senshi had managed to keep the darkness at bay for a while, and then send Usagi out of its reach – along with the Silver Crystal and another rock that literally held billions of lives inside it.
That was another fact, he guessed, and if he just thought about it as a single statement, it didn't sound so bad.
After Usagi had managed to find her way to the Troopers, the Troopers had been able to move into action, going back into the Senshis' universe and pulling them out.
Okay…Still not really helping.
The Senshis' universe had been completely and utterly destroyed, devoid of all life. Kayura had sealed the connection, but there was concern that the entity could find its way to the Troopers' universe, since it technically had previously.
Yeah…Nope.
Nope. This was not helping him. Considering the facts gave him more anxiety than he'd already had. It gave him more questions without answers, and some of those questions really needed answers – urgently.
They'd rescued the Senshi, but he realized now that had only been an overture into what was becoming a big giant tangle of problems. Ryo felt a headache coming on. How did they help the Senshi when they didn't even really understand what had happened to the Senshi?
He had no clue what had managed to wreck an entire dimension, so how could he reassure Ami or anyone else, including himself, that it wouldn't happen again?
He couldn't.
And that left him feeling out of control.
Ryo looked out the window at the lake but didn't really see it. What was it Seiji was always telling them? Focus on the now?
The now kind of sucked.
But he supposed it did give him a little direction. The Senshi were here. They were out of immediate danger, and hopefully, would heal. In the meantime, Ryo guessed the best any of them could do was be there for the women as they came to terms with what had happened.
Eventually, they would all move forward. That was just how life worked. The path between now and then seemed…dark and unclear, but eventually, they'd be there – regardless of where the road took them in between.
He didn't exactly like that. It didn't give him warm fuzzy feelings. He was at a loss. He was also extremely thankful, not for the first time, for Nasuti. The Troopers might be floundering but she seemed to have a steady focus. She seemed to know what to do – each step small, but with a purpose.
They had some guidance.
The rest would sort itself out. Much as he hated being a leaf on the wind. He'd just have to tolerate it for now.
"You ok Ryo?" Ryo startled at the soft sound of Touma's voice. He blinked, turning to face the archer, who lingered in the doorway, giving him a hesitant smile. He thought of Ami, tucked upstairs in bed safely, sleeping peacefully.
He could be ok. For now. He gave Touma a shrug. "Yeah. I guess."
And Touma being Touma, understood every nuance of Ryo's reply. He nodded back.
"I get that," he replied in a low voice. He wandered to the fridge, opening it up and sticking his face inside, and Ryo chuckled, relieved that some things never changed. Everyone liked to think that Shuu was the big eater in their group, but though he was quiet about it, Touma could probably eat Shuu under the table any day of the week. And probably did on a regular basis.
Ryo watched as he rummaged around idly, silence settling comfortably around them both. The archer reappeared with a pair of apples, which he set on the counter. He maneuvered with a casual grace Ryo admired – Touma and Seiji had a way of moving that seemed to convey their confidence and ease with their surroundings, he thought.
Touma filled the electric kettle and set it to boil. He retrieved a knife and bowl, hands working competently to slice the apples he'd set aside into narrow wedges. Outwardly, he seemed calm. But Touma often seethed quietly beneath the surface until it was too late for anyone to do anything about it.
"How's Makoto?" Ryo asked carefully. If he hadn't been watching for it, he might have missed the way Touma's shoulders twitched for just a moment before settling back into a relaxed posture. He pulled them into a lazy shrug.
"As well as can be expected, I guess. She's been awake. Still resting a lot. How's Ami?" he asked, not looking up from his task, fingers manipulating both knife and fruit.
Ryo crossed his arms, nodding his head. "About the same," he muttered. "She was awake more often when they first came back, but she sort of had a huge breakfast the next morning and then conked out for awhile."
Touma nodded, as if he'd expected exactly that reply. Ryo wished he had the sort of brain that could think about things from a logical of course that should happen sort of way. He sighed.
"Touma," he said softly. "What happens now?"
Touma finished slicing his apples and arranged them in the bowl in contemplative silence. Used to these sorts of pauses, Ryo waited patiently while the blue haired man gathered his thoughts. Touma shot him a friendly smile.
"Right now, we wait." He sighed, titling his head back and staring absently at the ceiling. "It's not exactly comfortable, I know, but there isn't much else we can do. Believe me, I've been going around and around in my own thoughts, but we just don't know enough yet. And we can't really move ahead until we know what's going on."
Ryo sighed, rubbing his face in agitation. "Yeah," he muttered. It was the conclusion he'd reached on his own in a nutshell, but it kind of sucked hearing it from the smartest guy in the group. He admitted to himself he'd been hoping Touma would have some kind of…brilliant plan.
But a plan needed a goal.
Touma turned to the fridge again, coming back with a bunch of grapes that he washed and carefully began picking from the stems, adding them to the pile. It was a little strange to see the archer so confidently, casually taking care of someone else, but Ryo liked the picture it presented.
Touma spent far too much time alone and isolated with…whatever it was he was working on. Having someone so dependent on him, even for a brief period of time, gave the genius an immediate focus, knocking him out of his own head for a bit. Which, in Ryo's opinion, could only be healthy for him.
Not for the first time, Ryo wished they'd all spent more time with each other. They were his brothers. He trusted them implicitly with his life – with the fate of the world. But somehow, that had never quite translated into much beyond the occasional get together or some kind of call or letter.
They saw each other most frequently during life or death situations, and Ryo wasn't really sure what that said about all of them. Not exactly the best memories to keep in a relationship.
The Senshi…were different. It was clear that the women were very closely bonded – in battle and out of it. The way they interacted, the way they seemed to know each other so well…it made him just a little jealous. What would it be like to have a group of people like that? Who understood him so clearly just…there, on a routine basis. So normal that he could take the relationships for granted?
The water began to boil in the kettle, hissing in the quiet.
Ryo studied Touma discreetly, struggling with what he wanted to say or if he should just leave well enough alone.
"Hey Touma…" he began, trying to get it out, but not even sure what it was. Touma turned at his unfinished sentence, gaze curious, and then smiled gently at him when he caught sight of the expression on Ryo's face.
"Yeah. This is all kinda…different, huh?" he said quietly, and Ryo realized he wasn't just talking about what was going on now.
Having the Senshi around on a permanent basis was probably going to be weird for all of them.
"They're like us…but they're not," he tried to express, hoping that might get his thoughts across.
Touma's gaze went unfocused as he stared out the window. He bobbed his head after a moment. "Yeah. I was thinking about that too. It's…strange knowing that there's a whole other group of people that can understand parts of me I've always kept…private." Tenku's gaze flicked to Ryo's briefly as he paused.
"Their experiences have been different. But the sum of all our experiences is the same. They're all…they interact differently with each other than we do. Pretty sure they're all very close. It's nice," the archer commented casually.
It was more than just nice Ryo thought. Something of his emotion must have shown on his face. Touma chuckled, turning and leaning back against the counter, crossing his legs at the ankle and his arms over his chest.
"Yeah, maybe…maybe we all should have done a better job…keeping in touch," he admitted reluctantly after a moment, turning his face away to look back out the window. His expression darkened after a moment. "After everything that happened with Suzunagi – even before, I was trying hard to leave the part of my life that made me a Trooper behind me. I was trying to be normal. I was trying to forget about the fighting. The pain. Those were some of the darkest times in my life, and…then we'd hang out. Shuu would try to get us all together or Seiji's family would have a thing, and everything would just come…flooding back."
Touma looked up at him earnestly now, his expression almost pleading.
"You guys are some of the most important people in my life. You're the first friends I ever had. I didn't mean to shut everyone out, but I guess…I didn't know how to move on and stay close," he said, his voice entreating Ryo to understand.
He didn't have to beg. Ryo understood perfectly. He'd spent most of his time taking on conservations efforts around the globe just so he didn't have to Be Here. He smiled in understanding at Touma.
"I know," he said quietly. "I think all of us are the same in that way. We wanted to move on, but we really can't, can we? I didn't know how to be normal and carry Rekka. I couldn't shut off the vigilance. I was always ready for normal problems to be…not actually normal. But I think….I think I've been lonely. Part of trying to be normal was trying to find people I fit with and I never really got that," he confessed.
Touma huffed air from his throat. "Yeah," replied, nodding. He put his fingers to his chin, thoughtfully. "I guess the Senshi kind of took up most of my thoughts once we met them. I hadn't ever thought about meeting someone else that sort of…did what we do. I figured we'd be the only guys out there – which is kind of short sighted, when you think about it."
Ryo chuckled. "Yeah. You're right about that, but I was kind of the same. It's more than just that though. The Senshi are…" Ryo trailed off as he tried to put his thoughts into words.
As if reading his mind, Touma sighed suddenly, his face somber.
"I didn't ever think that…" it was Touma's turn to struggle now with whatever he was trying to say. For the briefest of seconds, Ryo was transported back to watching an incredibly smart, blue-haired kid argue with him over strategies for defeating Arago. The vision was easily replaced by the man Touma was now, standing and staring out the kitchen window, but still looking as lost as that teenage boy.
Touma swallowed, his eyes rolling closed for a moment. He opened them and fixed Ryo with the turbulent blue of his gaze. How many years later, and Touma still had a stare that seemed penetrate every defense Ryo had ever erected.
"I didn't ever really think that I'd find somebody, ya know?" he said quietly. "It kind of made sense to me, when they disappeared after that battle. They were almost too good to be true, right? A group of women with similar powers to our own? With a history of battle? We fit together so well, and all I could think was that it would never last," he concluded sadly.
"And then…all this happened. And I've never….I was so angry in that place, Ryo. I've never been so angry. I was ready to go to war – not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I don't really know how to feel about that. Because this wasn't about the battle coming to me. This wasn't do or die. But knowing that Makoto –" he cut himself off, expression guilty as he studied his socked feet.
This was all making a lot of sense to Ryo. Their past experiences had painted a very vivid picture of what the Senshi had suffered. He recalled those battles where terror had ridden his every breath – fueled by the knowledge that they might make it…but they might not – and the stakes had been so high, back then.
They'd been boys. Carrying the weight of the entire world.
The Senshi had been girls, doing the same thing. Two sides of the same sharp blade.
And Touma was right. It was because he'd suffered this way before, knew what this kind of pain and devastation were like, that seeing it happen instead to the Senshi was somehow worse. Their complete faith in the ability to get through anything, together, throughout the Underworld, had been a soothing balm over the open wound of having to fight yet another war.
Their conviction that they would keep fighting, even to death, to set things right – that they could set things right, in the face of any obstacle, had kept his spirits elevated, without him even realizing. Their implicit trust in each other, and the Troopers, had opened a connection between them all that the Troopers had subconsciously grasped for, desperately.
They'd all been reaching for the light the Senshi had cast, hadn't they? Walking beside someone that had been through the devastation of battle but could still remain so confident, so upbeat had been everything he hadn't ever realized he'd needed.
He'd already wanted to protect Ami's light in the Underworld.
Realizing that someone had isolated her so they could crush that light made him – it lit a bonfire of anger inside of him that continued to rage as he languished with no outlet.
He imagined that Touma was feeling the same way, both of them uncomfortable with the darkness of this new emotion, and uncertain of what to do with it.
And that didn't even take into account the feelings he'd developed for Ami almost overnight. He couldn't even argue that those feelings had happened because Ami might be a convenient partner – somebody that he could build a life with because she understood all of him.
There were a bunch of Senshi. And while he'd been paired with Ami, he'd had plenty of time to bond with the other Senshi too.
He wasn't having Ami level feelings for anyone else. But he could say for sure that those same feelings were complicating already deep emotions, and that hadn't helped him keep a clear head.
"Touma," he finally began, not even really sure what he wanted to say, "this is different for all of us, isn't it?" When Touma nodded, still looking a bit lost, Ryo mirrored the gesture, more to himself than anything else.
Somehow, it helped, knowing he wasn't lost on his own with all this. Touma was the smartest person he knew.
And he hadn't figured it out either. The water in the electric kettle hissed, even as a cheerful tone chimed, letting them know it was ready. Ryo grabbed the teapot Touma had prepared and moved to the kettle beside Touma.
"Being a Trooper has always been hard. It's just us, right? And there's so much –" he frowned as he looked down, using the pump to pour hot water in the teapot, watching as the water rose over the dry leaves before he set it down and put the lid on it.
He barely knew what he wanted to say here. This was usually Seiji's job, placidly helping them sort through their emotions. But Seiji was out of commission right now. He might even need everyone else's help coming to terms with what had happened later, so Ryo squared his shoulders and turned to face Tenku directly.
Touma was so smart, and he always seemed so stable, but this conversation had helped Ryo to realize that they might have all been struggling, hiding things, more than he'd understood. Not for the first time, he regretted not trying harder to keep up with all of them – keep them all connected. He could have fought harder to break down the barriers they'd all erected.
That was on him. He was the leader, and it was his job to lead.
But that didn't mean he had to keep making the same mistakes. He furrowed his brow at the tea pot.
"There's a lot riding on us. Always has been. Being destined to carry the armors… it hasn't been easy. Sometimes, I think it's been more nightmare than anything else. And these Senshi…" Ryo paused, thinking of Ami upstairs sleeping.
Warmth flooded his system.
"They're just like us. We thought we would have to do this alone for the rest of our lives," he said with conviction, "Being normal – having relationships with civilians – it's hard, right? No one is going to understand why we're so…well, the way we are. And any civilian isn't going to be on their guard, or know how to defend themselves against a mugger, let alone a dark evil. It's too much. So I think we all put it away and stopped even thinking about friends or…other relationships outside of the Troopers as a possibility. And now—"
Man was he even making sense? This had seemed so much better in his head.
"And now," Touma continued gently, catching on, as usual," Suddenly we have that. The Senshi are like us. They understand us. They can support us. They've shouldered the same burden that we have. They're people that we can connect with completely. And we came close to losing that kind of gift before we even knew we had it," he concluded quietly, looking away for a moment.
"Worse," he continued sullenly, "we got them back, but at a terrible cost." He turned a vacant gaze back out the window.
Ryo watched him for a moment, and reached with both hands for the right words to say. "We will get through this. There's a lot going on right now, but there's one thing that we can do – and that's be here for the Senshi. We'll just have to take care of the rest as it hits us."
Touma sighed, nodding, running a hand through his hair in a move that signaled high stress. He turned abruptly, picking up the tray from the drainboard, flipping it over in his hands and setting it on the counter, piling the fruit, mug, and pot on top of it.
"I just…I want to help," the blue haired man said quietly, gaze intent on the tray. Ryo put a comforting hand on his arm, feeling awkward with the sudden display of vulnerability, and praying he was saying and doing the right thing.
"I think you are," he said confidently. Touma swallowed, nodding quietly. His expression was distant and pained as he looked through the kitchen doorway.
"Thanks, Ryo."
And then he was gone.
Ryo sat in the silence for a bit longer, turning their conversation over. He hated seeing Touma look so lost. Hurting. It had been awful enough, when the Troopers had shared the pain alone.
But this was so much worse. The helplessness of it was eating at him.
No wonder they were all so upset, so angry. From the moment he'd really known Ami, had realized what an amazing person she was, and then realized that she was also a warrior like himself, he'd been on edge. The camaraderie the Senshi had presented had quietly upped the stakes.
The only thing worse than losing a battle, in Ryo's opinion, was walking away unscathed while people you cared about suffered instead. There wasn't really a good way to be ok with that, but the Troopers were all going to have to figure out how to come to terms with it.
Ugh, he thought, running his hands through his hair in frustration. No wonder they left all the emotional stuff for Seiji normally. Thinking about this kind of thing hurt his brain.
