Chapter 54
Shin was practically vibrating as he went to pick up take-out. After Usagi and Shuu's bombed attempt at getting groceries, he'd volunteered to pick up take out and Rei had insisted on going with him.
"You really could have stayed home," he said again, unable to keep his anxiety to himself. He felt her roll her eyes behind her manga.
"That sticking together thing goes both ways, doesn't it?" she said blandly.
Which would be fine, if he were the one under assault. But he wasn't, and why couldn't she have just stayed with the other Senshi and the rest of the Troopers? Or at the very least, let someone else tag along? In light of what had happened to Shuu, he felt completely unprepared to keep her safe.
Rei seemed unbothered by this, and for the first time in his life, the idea that someone had so much faith in him, so much trust in his ability to keep her safe, was a pressure and not a relief.
Someone had gotten the drop on Shuu, which was not an easy thing to do. It made Shin feel incredibly paranoid. The enemy was getting smarter, and it seemed as if they'd been trying to take Shuu out first to get to Usagi. That level of planning and strategy made Shin feel uncomfortable.
Oblivious to his inner turmoil, Rei continued to sit beside him calmly, reading a small manga she'd pulled out of her purse as the train rattled along the track.
He shot another suspicious look at the passengers surrounding them, but everything looked normal, and it was driving him crazy. He smiled a little at his own perverse nature, wanting chaos when there was peace, and clenched his fingers on his knees, trying to force himself to be calm.
Serenity seemed an impossible goal at this point. He didn't want Rei out of his sight. His instincts were screaming, and the last time he'd ignored them it hadn't ended well. It might help if she gave him a clear signal on whether she welcomed him smothering her with attention or not. It was a lot harder than he'd thought to give her space and not cave in to the constant need to have eyes on her.
He'd never experienced this before, and being so connected to someone else was terrifying.
A small, delicate hand landed on his own, her fingers entwining with his. Almost instantly, he calmed. The warmth of her presence washed through him, and he felt himself settle. He looked down at her. She hadn't taken her face from her book, but still had reached out to hold his hand.
"Shin. Whether we stay at Nasuti's or go out to run errands, we could run into trouble. Whatever happens, we'll handle it," she said casually, as if it were just a fact instead of a promise.
"There's safety in numbers," he protested quietly, not wanting to attract attention. "You'd be safer with all the other Troopers and Senshi at Nasuti's."
She snorted then, lowering her book and pinning him with her gaze. He got lost in that intense violet, and the amusement on her face faded into something softer, more affectionate.
"Then who'd keep you safe?" she said, a hint of tease in her tone.
Shin spluttered, feeling color heat in his cheeks. "I'm not the one under attack!" he argued. She tilted her head, her expression sobering.
"It would be stupid to assume you weren't a target. Any of you," she told him in a low, even tone. "And I know none of you are stupid." She leaned away again, going back to her book, but she didn't let go of his hand.
Shin furrowed his brow, digesting the warning. It wasn't the first time he'd heard it, and if it were anyone but Rei, he might brush it off. But with even Touma agreeing and Rei's keen instincts pointing it out, he was obliged to think the danger had merit.
"What are we supposed to do about it? It's not like you can all just…come to work with us," he muttered. "And you've insisted we don't let our normal lives pass us by. For some reason." He couldn't help but feel a little irritated over that insistence, even if he understood it.
"Somebody has to pay for my luxury penthouse, right?" she remarked without looking up. Shin choked, looking back at her to see her smirking at him from over the top of her manga. "Relax. It's important to us that you don't sacrifice your lives while all this is going on. Eventually, we're all going to be living here – normal, everyday routines – if we get through this. I wouldn't want your degree ruined because you had to pause for a year to play hide and seek with somebody else's problem," she told him matter of factly. Shin scowled at her.
"Not somebody else's problem. My problem. The Troopers' problem," he corrected her.
"I guess," she conceded. "We made it your problem, didn't we?" she sighed, lowering her book and gazing out of the train window with a dull expression in her eyes. Shin squeezed her fingers. He understood why the Senshi felt the way they did, but he agreed with Seiji – it was time to start correcting this idea that they had somehow dragged the Troopers into their mess.
It was everyone's mess, and the Troopers had walked in willingly, they hadn't been dragged. Well. Unless they counted the Underworld, but they'd all been dragged there.
"No, we made it our problem," he said softly. Rei blinked up at him, the hand holding her manga falling slack and resting on her purse, the book dangling from her fingers.
"What?" she asked, searching his gaze for something. Shin wasn't sure what, but he hoped she found it as he took a deep breath and continued.
"Maybe Usagi landed with us, but the choice to come after you was ours. No one forced me to come and pull you out of there. I went because I wanted to. And no one was going to stop me – not that anyone tried."
She closed her eyes then, and released a breath slowly before opening them and looking back up at him with that same searching gaze. She leaned into him, and he couldn't help but lean down just enough to bring their faces closer.
You're on a train. In public, his brain reminded him.
"I couldn't handle it if something happened to you again, Rei. Not after everything you've been through. Not after everything we've been through together, " he said in a low voice, unable to contain the emotion he was feeling. "So don't expect me to take your safety casually."
A bit of red colored her cheeks and then her lips curved up – just at their very corners.
"How do you think I feel?" she asked, the smile fading as she went back to looking out the train window. "If you disappeared…" she murmured, a shiver running through her. She turned then, scowling at him.
"You're not allowed to march into my life and rearrange everything and then pretend like it's fine if you sacrifice yourself for stupidity's sake," she snarled at him. Shin straightened, taken aback by the words, the anger.
"How do you think I'd feel if you were taken? If you died doing something dumb like going out alone to get dinner?" she snapped. She pulled her manga back up and buried her face in it, seemingly trying to compose herself.
"Don't talk to me about what happens to me now. I'm not losing one more person, do you understand me, Shin Mouri? Not. One," she grated in a low voice from behind the book.
Shin stared out of the train windows vacantly and tried to understand what had just happened. Clearly, he'd upset her. He just wasn't sure how.
"You can't just…" she began again from behind the book, and there was a quality to her voice that tugged at him. He looked down, startled to see her eyes hidden beneath the fringe of her hair. A small bead of moisture made a line down one cheek.
"You can't be careless…" she whispered, biting her lip. The fingers holding the manga trembled. "If you're so focused on me, you might do something stupid. And I would never…" she cut herself off, biting her lip.
"I would never forgive you, if something stupid happened to you, Shin Mouri," she finished.
They sat in silence as the scenery whipped past outside the train's windows. She swallowed hard, still behind the manga, but he was willing to be if he asked her what was on the page she wouldn't be able to tell him.
He squeezed the fingers he held gently.
"I won't do anything stupid," he promised her quietly, caressing the backs of her knuckles with his thumb. She huffed out a breath of air that might have been a laugh or a sigh, Shin couldn't tell. Her lips, pressed in a thin line, trembled.
Her fingers squeezed his back.
Shin sat in the silence that followed feeling overwhelmed. How very Rei, he thought, with a small smile. He was light and heavy at the same time.
Only Rei could tell him she loved him without telling him she loved him.
He realized it didn't matter if he wanted to follow her everywhere. He could. And if he didn't, she might follow him. If she were anyone else, the conversation might have annoyed him. But this was Rei. He wanted wrap himself around her and never let her go. The gift of her vulnerability wasn't something he'd ever forget.
He leaned closer, looking down at her. "Rei?" he said softly. When she looked up at him, her eyes were still too bright, but her face was dry. Shin waited until he had her attention, and smiled with all the affection he was feeling inside him.
"I love you too," he murmured. Her face crumpled, and she buried it against his arm.
"Are you trying to make me look bad?", she mumbled into the material. Laughter lurked in her voice. He kissed the top of her head.
"I just wanted you to know that," he said. "In case I haven't made it obvious."
She snuggled against him, manga forgotten, half jammed in her purse. Shin felt contentment swamp his senses as he sat, letting her lean against him.
After a few moments of quiet, she spoke again.
"I'm…..still really new to this, Shin," she confessed softly. He smiled gently.
"So am I," he assured her. Another beat of silence passed before she began again.
"My…mom died when I was little. She was sick. And my Dad….he never visited her. He left her alone. He left me alone," her voice wavered and Shin squeezed her hand again, gently encouraging her.
"I didn't understand why we weren't enough for him. I tried to think about all the things I might have done wrong. But it didn't matter. And then I promised myself I would never need someone so much that…" she broke off, her voice quavering, and swallowed. "That I would break when they left me alone. Because he broke my mother. She was suffering so much, and he abandoned her." she continued.
Shin closed his eyes, his heart bleeding for her, and swallowed back his own emotions.
"And then you just…" she trailed off again, her fingers fluttering in his before settling. "You were just…you. And now here I am." She looked up at him then, a terrible desperation in her face.
"If I lost you," she whispered, "I would break."
Shin didn't care if they were on stage in the middle of a rock concert. He leaned down and took her lips with everything he felt inside him. She was sweet, with a hint of spice, and she welcomed him in. He reached up with his free hand and cupped her jaw, holding her in place, and she moved her hand over his own there.
He pulled back again, savoring the sight of her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes glassy, her lips just a tiny bit swollen.
"I would never abandon you, Rei Hino," he told her warmly. She smiled at him sweetly, but her face was incredibly sad.
"I know. I believe that you would never leave me….willingly. Do you understand?" she whispered. Shin nodded, then closed his eyes for a moment and breathed deeply through his nose, inhaling her scent.
"I do. I know exactly what you mean. I guess we'll just have to be careful, right?" he murmured, smiling. She nodded, letting out a breath that was part laugh, part exhale.
"I guess we will." she echoed him.
