Chapter 58

"I can't see any other way to destroy this except from the inside," Ami muttered under her breath, shattering the silence.

Shuu blinked, looking up from his solitaire game. Usagi continued snoring on the floor, adorable in her bunny patterned shirt and denim overalls. At his blank stare, Ami flushed, looking self-conscious. Nasuti turned, putting an encouraging hand on her shoulder.

"Let's give ourselves more time. We might figure out another way. Let's not throw everything at that solution because it's the most obvious one. I don't think going back to your Universe or inside the monster to the cauldron will necessarily present an automatic solution. If we do really need to do that, we need to figure out what we're going to do when we get there."

Ami nodded absently. "Yes, I'm sorry. I just…" she put her face in her hands and took a deep breath. Nasuti flicked her gaze up towards Shuu then.

"Why don't you take Usagi somewhere more comfortable to nap?" she said, her tone indicating that was less of a suggestion and more of an invitation to beat it. He knew when to get lost, but he didn't like the idea of hiding Mercury's obvious distress from Usagi. He got why they were doing it, but in the long run, it might do the opposite of help.

The Senshi were trying to shelter Usagi, and he wanted to do that too, but it was hurting her. She'd been so despondent since the day Ami had figured out what was going on. Shuu couldn't get her to tell him about what had happened the first time around with Chaos. She just smiled when he asked and told him she didn't want to worry him.

Her lack of willingness to tell him worried him plenty. If she wasn't willing to talk about it, it had to be bad.

He rose, stooping on his knees to scoop her up and then rise from the floor. She was so light. He worried she might not be eating enough. There were lines of stress visible around her eyes and mouth, and he wished, not for the hundredth time, that he could just go demolish this thing and end this.

"Let's take a break from this and look at something else I've found…"he heard Nasuti say as he wandered down the hall.

In his arms, Usagi stirred, her eyes fluttering open. "Mmm. Shuu? What's going on?" she mumbled, stretching and blinking when she realized he was holding her. She attempted to sit up in his arms and reluctantly, he set her down.

"You were sleeping on the floor. I thought you might want to nap somewhere more comfortable," he said.

She stretched again, scratching her belly. "Hmmm. Thanks. That was nice. I'm hungry now though," she said, smacking her lips. "I'm gonna go see what snacks Mako-chan left in the kitchen," she grinned, disappearing into the kitchen doorway.

When he followed her in, she was already holding a giant cookie out to him, another one partway in her mouth. She'd found the snacks in record time.

Though Makoto had probably left something in easy reach in an effort to keep her from exploring the contents of the refrigerator too deeply. Usagi could ferret out the best hidden gourmet delicacies no matter where they were hidden, and the chef had taken to simply distracting her with easily accessible snack foods.

She polished off her giant cookie in record time, and produced another from thin air seemingly.

"Wanna watch some cartoons?" she asked around a mouthful of cookie.

Shuu felt a wave of hopeless, helpless affection wash over him for a moment.

She couldn't be more perfect, more amazing. She was a goddess that could literally rebirth billions of lives. She loved freely and without judgement. She wore her heart on her sleeve and was loyal to the ends of the earth to those she loved. She was willing to sacrifice her happiness, her life to protect others – to protect entire worlds, and how could he not be completely in love with her?

And seeing her standing here in her cute little outfit, munching on cookies and asking him to watch cartoons had just….dragged him to the edge of a precipice that fell into the unknown.

As he smiled at her and nodded, following her mutely into the den, he wondered how he had ever thought he could be around her and keep his cool. Inevitably, his emotions were going to override his common sense, and the longer he was around her the more he was in danger of losing control and doing something that would irrevocably change things between them.

More than that, he could even predict how that would go down – he'd slip, she'd let him down sweetly, and then feel terrible that she'd made him unhappy. And he just couldn't stomach making her sad.

When she stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to sit, he could feel the vice on his heart tighten, inching him closer to the point of no return. But still, he couldn't refuse her. He dropped down onto the couch, and tried to distract himself by eating the cookie she'd given him.

Moments later, her slighter weight landed beside him – close – closer than normal, which didn't help.

She snuggled in, leaning against his side in an intimate position that made him uncomfortable it was so close, and laid her head against the front of his shoulder. He had no choice but to bring his arm down around her or risk losing the limb due to loss of circulation.

When he closed their position, she fit against him perfectly, as if she were meant to be there, tucked against him, warm and safe. They settled after a few moments, and the awkward tension faded into a quiet contentment. He did his best to soak in the moment, trying to forget his uncertainty.

His serenity didn't last long. As Usagi settled fully, her weight limp and heavy against him, worry crept back in. She'd said she wouldn't let any harm come to anyone, which meant she'd be using her Crystal if they didn't figure things out. Shuu trusted Touma, Ami, and Nasuti to do exactly that. He trusted Seiji and Shin to have the practical application of whatever their resident geniuses dished up ready to go. Rei and Minako could add their expertise.

He absolutely knew that he and Ryo would do just fine at Hitting All The Things With A Big Stick, and Makoto seemed equal to the job, but that didn't mean that things ever went according to plan.

There were too many things that could go wrong. The battle he and Ami had had with Zoisite and Jadeite still stuck out in his mind. They'd figured out the enemy's ploy, but things had still been less than easy. Shuu could do armor. He understood battle and weapons and hand-to-hand combat. But Zoisite had been using magic, and magic was unpredictable.

Everything around the Senshi seemed related to things he didn't understand. He hated it. The power they wielded seemed like magic to him, and it was tied so deeply into their physical make-up that it left him wary. He'd seen what those powers could do to them – seen the way they'd put themselves at risk in the Underworld – and he wasn't exactly a fan.

But getting them to stand by would be completely impossible, and he understood that too, so where did that leave the Troopers?

He was serious about keeping them safe. He just didn't understand how.

"Shuu. You've got a worry wrinkle. What should I say to make it go away?" Usagi grumbled next to him. He turned, gazing downwards. She was looking up at him, her face close to his own, eyes narrowed as she studied his expression.

"S-sorry!" he stuttered, caught off guard by her nearness and direct statement. She shook her head, smiling.

"Don't apologize. Just tell me what to do to get rid of it so we can get back to cartoons," she replied.

Something broke open inside him. She was so perfect, and he just wanted to kiss her. If he didn't get up right now and find something to do, he was going to end up doing something else that would completely change everything between them.

"Uhh…think I need another snack," he rushed out, gently disengaging himself from her and practically running for the kitchen. He took a few deep breaths once he was in there, leaning on the sink and trying to pull himself together.

What was wrong with him?

Maybe it was all the worry over her safety. Maybe it was every time she did anything. She was so cute. She was so innocent. She was so strong. She was so pure. She was so good.

She loved someone else.

How had he let his feelings get so out of control without even realizing it? Shuu clenched the counter, hard, and decided that maybe he needed to hit the workout room. Maybe if he just….hit stuff, he could get himself under control. Because he was starting to resent a dead guy, who'd theoretically done nothing worthy of resentment. Which was maybe messing him up.

Unsure of what to even say to Usagi, he slunk off to the work out room. It was still in rough shape, and seeing the boarded-up window and wall only darkened his mood further.

Shuu hit the heavy bag almost as soon as he entered the room. He didn't really bother to wrap his knuckles. He'd be fine. He just needed to hit something right now.

He was well into the rhythm, completely zoned in on the bag and his technique and completely not thinking about anything else when he heard someone come to the doorway.

"Shuu? What're you doing?" Shin asked, wandering into the room with his hands in his pockets. Shuu grunted, not really in the mood for conversation. Or interaction.

"Getting my head on straight," he said without thinking.

"Mmm. Which one?" Shin asked, pausing near the bag. That got his attention.

"D-did you just make a dirty joke?" he stammered, standing straight and stopping the movement of the bag. Shin sighed, reaching out and snagging one of his hands, examining his knuckles.

"You didn't even wrap," Suiko complained. "Come on." He gestured to the corner where Nasuti kept a standard first aid kit for similar situations. Shuu followed, out of shock more than anything else. He stared at Shin.

"You need to stop hanging out with Minako and Rei so much," he muttered, sitting obediently where Shin pointed. Shin didn't say anything, simply looked over his knuckles and got out the alcohol. Shuu wasn't sure what it said about him that it barely even stung anymore when Shin cleaned his hands up.

"I wish I had something to tell you, but I don't. Just that I'm sorry," Shin said after a moment, standing back and washing his hands at the small sink. Shuu shrugged.

"It's fine," he said, for lack of anything better to say.

"It's not fine. But there's no answer," Shin shot back, giving him a serious look. "You have the right to pull away, if that's what you need. We can take shifts. We would take shifts if you'd let us," he grumbled.

Shuu thought it over. Did he want Usagi out of his sight? Not really. But it might be better if he put a little distance between them. He didn't have his head on straight, clearly, when it came to her, and he needed to have his head on straight. But the idea of staying away from her made him feel sick, panicky. He didn't know what to do.

He just…needed to hang on until they got past this. Once they'd beaten whatever this thing was, maybe then, he could step back.

"I don't know. I don't like the idea of not being there if she needs me," he confessed. Shin sighed, looking incredibly sad.

"She seems to share the same sentiments, even if she won't admit to them. I'm pretty sure she's gotten dependent on you. I had an idea that you were attached, but I hadn't realized it was this serious," he agreed. He leaned against the counter, looking down and to the side as he ran hand through his hair in agitation. "I'm sorry. I've been preoccupied, and I should have been paying better attention."

Shuu scowled then. That sounded an awful lot like Suiko was trying to babysit him. From what, Shuu didn't really understand.

Well. Maybe pretended he didn't understand.

In reality, he had a good idea of what Shin meant, and he didn't like the implications.

"I'm not a lovesick teenager," he growled, the emotions inside of him starting to boil. He clenched his hands into fists, feeling defensive. Shin looked over at him, and the sadness in his expression simply made Shuu angrier.

He didn't like knowing that he was so easy to read. Or that Shin was reading Usagi the same way he had. Suiko favored him with a small smile.

"She's perfect for you. That's obvious. In every way except one really important one. But you already know that. I just…this situation is terrible, Shuu," he replied. Shuu crossed his arms, trying to keep his temper in check.

It was hard. He wanted to yell. He'd just spent hours wrecking his knuckles on a heavy bag and just like that – a few sentences – and he was ready to go again.

"I'm a grown-ass adult Shin. I can handle myself," he said in a low voice. He was trying to sound calm, but his tone came out more like gravel. Oops. Shin could deal with it, since he seemed intent on poking open sores.

Shin sighed again. "I know you can. I just…if you need to…talk. I'm here," he said quietly.

Shuu stared at him, temper fading as he wondered for the first time what might be going on with the normally quiet man. They were all shaken up right now, and everything had been irrevocably changed since the Underworld, but they'd all fallen into the habit of isolating themselves to deal with the fallout instead of leaning on one another.

"What about you?" he pushed, leaning back in his chair. Shin's eyebrows lifted with surprise and Suiko shot him a look he couldn't interpret before he huffed an amused breath and looked back down at the floor.

"I don't know, honestly. Everything is so…uncertain," he confessed. "The Senshi are driven. I completely understand where they're coming from, but that doesn't help." He ran another agitated hand through his hair. Shuu sympathized completely. He nodded.

"Yeah. I don't really get a whole lot about whatever this Chaos thing is, except that they died to beat it. I'm not…that's kinda hard to think about," he swallowed. Shin sighed again.

"Rei won't really say much. None of them will. Every time I've tried to ask, she gets this…look on her face, and I don't want to push her," he admitted glumly. Shuu nodded again.

"Usagi is the same," he commiserated. "She won't talk about it, other than to say that she's beaten it before and she can do it again. Not exactly reassuring to me considering how she beat it last time."

Shin looked up at the ceiling, crossing his arms over his chest and his feet at the ankles. "Am I the only one worried about the fact that Kayura implied that there's a hole in the Youjakai that goes to points unknown?" he wondered. Shuu tried not to shiver as he thought about it.

"Uhh, definitely not. I mean…it's the Youjakai, and there are lots of…er…unknowns about what exists there. I gotta be honest, I was never really interested in figuring that out," he agreed. Shin looked back down at him, his face somber.

"I was happy to leave the Youjakai to Kayura and the Masho, so long as they left us alone. I was satisfied with the truce that was between us, but I'm starting to wonder if we should have been more…aggressive on keeping an active relationship between our two realms. The Youjakai isn't just going to go away, and this makes it clear that there are numerous things there that might threaten us." Shin frowned as he spoke, his expression indicating he was thinking out loud.

Shuu leaned forward, draping his arms on his legs and letting his hands dangle between his knees. "Nah. I'm right with you. I didn't really want to think about that place. I definitely don't want someone like Rajura on speed dial," he paused, shuddering, and Shin chuckled, the sound dark instead of mirthful.

"But you're right," Shuu continued. "We've all been running away from what we've been through. I can't blame us. Being a Trooper is fucking scary sometimes. But we can't outrun it. What happened with Suzunagi…shook me up. I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to think about anything, I just wanted to…move on. I thought that we finished that battle in a good place, so I just tried to push it all out of my mind and forget. That…seems like it was a crappy plan, now that I think about it," he said with a tired laugh. He rubbed a hand over his face.

"That's surprisingly deep, coming from you," Shin said with a grin, tucking his hands in his pockets. Shuu reached out with his leg, giving him a half-hearted kick in the shin.

"Shut up," he muttered, "I'm serious. The Senshi are different than us. They're close. They look at things in a way that makes the fighting seem like an everyday part of their lives. They still love. They still hope. Not that we don't do those things, it's just..." he trailed off, not even sure where his thoughts were headed.

"They do seem somehow lighter than we are," Shin agreed.

"I want to protect that. I want to protect them. But right now I don't know what to do," Shuu finally confessed. Shin nodded.

"This isn't easy. We're blind. But we can do this the same way we always have. I believe in us. We'll get through this. We'll figure it out. We can, together," he said, smiling then. Shuu nodded, trying to absorb Suiko's steady faith. It felt uncomfortable with the strange anxiety still drifting in the corners of his mind.

But he shared that same unshakeable conviction that the Troopers would pull through it. He just didn't like how much was riding on them right now.

"Yeah. We will. Thanks, Shin," he replied.

"You got it. Clean up. Dinner should be ready soon and you reek," Suiko quipped, tossing a towel at him and exiting the gym. Shuu sighed, pulling the cloth from his face and headed for the shower.

He'd said he wasn't a lovesick teen, but this felt a little too much like being a teenager again. Right down to fighting an epic evil while not knowing what he was doing and pretty much living at Nasuti's.

He was scared. He didn't know what to do.

He might be a little more comfortable with his life as a Trooper if it didn't always seem to end up with him fighting for his life and the fate of the world blindly and praying he won.