Chapter 63
Usagi sighed and tried hard to figure out how she was going to approach Shuu. Things had been….strained between them since that day on the couch, and she had no idea how to make it right. She felt awful about everything, and still had no idea how she was supposed to move forward.
Despite what Rei and Minako might think, Usagi didn't see things so clearly. The idea of loving someone who wasn't Mamo-chan made her heart feel like a sopping wet towel someone was trying to wring out. The idea of not allowing herself to love Shuu was almost worse than that.
"How could I?" she whispered to herself, burying her face in her hands. She held back tears, refusing to cry. She forced herself to take several deep breaths, knowing that Shuu would pick up on any visible distress and come running from inside. He came running so often, and she was determined not to be a burden on him. She'd been enough of a burden on just about everyone, and she was getting sick of the feeling.
She'd parked herself at an outside café table in front of his restaurant with a milkshake in an effort to relax, but so far it wasn't helping. That she knew he was keeping watch over her and she had to exert effort to seem carefree and happy probably wasn't helping.
Especially since most of her wanted him to come running, and that was half the problem.
Somehow, when she hadn't been paying attention, she'd fallen in love with Shuu Li-Huang. How could she not? He was so….everything. So loyal. So devoted. So thoughtful and kind. So protective. His personality was the complete opposite of Mamoru's, but she supposed that helped in this case. They were two distinctly different people, which made her feel less like she was just looking for a replacement – a stand-in for Mamo-chan, and more like Shuu was simply another person she had fallen in love with.
Which sounded…so easy.
But how could it be? Mamoru had been her destined love. They had been destined for each other. How did a Princess leave something like that behind?
Well, Usagi thought. She started by reminding herself that she wasn't a princess anymore.
She didn't have a kingdom. The fate of the world no longer depended on her….though if she was honest with herself, and probably much to everyone else's upset, the fate of everything probably was going to depend on her wielding the Silver Crystal. It usually did. That part specifically had stopped bothering her a long time ago. Usagi was very happy to bear that weight because it meant that she could protect and care for the people she loved.
She took a long, chilly sip of her milkshake and huffed out another breath of air.
"Ok," she said quietly to herself, putting her hands on the table. "You have got to get yourself together girl. First. Mamoru is dead, and he isn't coming back. Not like he was."
She paused here, her eyes filling, and bit her lip to stop it from trembling. It still felt like an infected wound, open and raw. Saying it out loud was progress, but it hurt. And it made her doubt. Made her question. Mamoru had wanted her to be happy, but would he really approve of her being with someone else?
She had a hard time believing that he would.
She tried to picture this newly rebirthed Mamoru growing up and having a girlfriend who wasn't…Usagi.
The thought stabbed like a knife, dulled only slightly by the idea that he might be very happy in a normal life. He wouldn't ever have to put his life at risk, or use his body to protect her, or have to deal with monsters or anything else coming after him. He would never be called upon to sacrifice himself for the greater good. For once, Mamoru would be the innocent bystander sheltered and protected by someone else.
And that was…nice to think about.
That was possibly the only silver lining here. She might never be ok, but Mamoru would probably have a happy, full life. It burned like fire to know that it wouldn't be Usagi making him happy. His smiles would be for someone else. The love in his eyes would be directed at someone else. She would never again have the chance to make him happy – to love him deeply, the way he deserved to be loved. But that was ok. She'd failed to protect him, so maybe she didn't deserve those things anymore.
She could certainly meddle to ensure whoever he found did do those things, however. That made her feel a bit better.
Usagi let out another breath, closing her eyes, furrowing her brow, and dropping her forehead into her hand, leaning her elbow on the table. "I lost Mamo-chan." She whispered. "I lost him, and maybe I can't love anyone now. Maybe that's it. Maybe I don't deserve to," she muttered to herself, trying not to sink into a pity party. It was a little hard to have these thoughts and not be depressed though.
A long, cold, and bleak future where she watched over her friends as they all found happiness seemed to be rolling out in front of her. She didn't begrudge the Senshi anything, but it wasn't exactly uplifting to think about.
"Usagi-chan. You most certainly deserve love. And you can love more than one person. Especially in this case. Besides. You seemed all right kissing other boys before. And girls," a familiar voice intoned. Usagi waved her hands, feeling frustrated.
"Ugh. Those times were different Luna. I didn't love those people. Not the way I loved Mamo-chan. Love Mamo-chan," she finished, correcting herself, then second guessing the correction. Frustration built inside of her and she made an angry gesture, swiping a straightened hand through the air in front of her and nearly taking out her shake in the process.
"I mean. He's Mamo-chan. How could I love anyone else after what we shared?! We had a kid together. We were destined to run a kingdom together. I was supposed to bring around a new world era. How does this even work now?!" She gestured again, hands out, arms wide, in front of her, as if trying to encompass her point, her frustration continuing to mount the longer she thought through everything.
"My whole darn life was planned out for me. For like, the next millenia. What'm I supposed to do with that?!" Feeling overwhelmed, she sucked down another quarter of her milkshake and then groaned at the resulting frozen headache.
"Ah Usagi. I'm afraid in this case, we failed you. You've been groomed for so long to take on the mantle of Queen – we never planned for anything else. Everything was laid out in front of you," Luna agreed sadly, sounding a bit guilty.
"I mean. I sort of had some ideas about what to do with myself, but I was basically biding time until we got married and I started Crystal Tokyo. I never went to school or thought about real life very much." She ignored the tiny, sarcastic huff from the cat. "There is no Crystal Tokyo here. There never will be. Everything is gone. I'm not princess or queen of anything. I'm just me, and I'm not really sure who that is." She paused, looking down, wrapping her hands around the cool glass of her milkshake. At least the milkshake was the same in any dimension.
"I don't know what to do. Everyone is still acting like I'm the Moon Princess. But I'm not. I don't know who I am, but I know I'm not anyone's queen," she murmured sadly.
She felt the lightest touch on her leg.
"Usagi-chan. You're still you. That won't ever change. You might have been destined to be Queen, but your personality – what makes you, you, is still the same. As for being the Moon Princess, you still carry the Silver Crystal. In any time or space, that is still your legacy, and your destiny – and all that comes with it.
"And Mamoru…well. You're right. You were destined for each other. But I believe that his star seed rooting here has broken that bond. I'm sorry for it. But you can still carry that love in your heart. More important than that, you still need to love. Your heart needs love to sustain it. The Crystal is always at its strongest when you have love to hold on to, Usagi. You should never deny yourself that."
Usagi looked down.
At a small black cat with a bald spot on its forehead in the shape of a crescent moon.
"What?" she said stupidly, wondering if she was hallucinating.
Was she so upset now that she was imagining Luna?
Luna huffed at her, sitting patiently on her butt and wrapping her tail around her paws as she returned Usagi's bewildered stare.
"Luna?" she whispered hesitantly. "Um. What are you doing here?"
Luna's expression went from empathetic to exasperated. Somehow, that was a comfort.
"It seems that I'm talking you through yet another emotional crisis. Really Usagi-chan, have you been listening? And while we're on it, should you really be thinking so much about boys right now?"
Usagi felt herself freeze up, before guilt over how distracted she'd let herself become immediately drowned out any confusion.
"I….Luna. Is it…Is it really you?" she breathed, her eyes tearing up. She rubbed at them ineffectually with her forearm, feeling four small paws alight in her lap as she pulled her arm down. The cat's gaze was solemn now.
"Usagi-chan, it's really me. I'm so glad I've finally found you," Luna replied, putting a tentative paw on Usagi's belly. Usagi couldn't hold her tears back then. But this wasn't comical, overdramatic wailing. These tears were nearly silent. The Moon Princess' face crumpled as if she were in pain, and she carefully lifted Luna to her face and cuddled the cat close, weeping into her sable fur.
"I can't believe you're here. I'm so happy you found me," she whispered. But instead of happiness, a lead weight seemed to fall over her shoulders, guilt dragging any joy down. "I'm so sorry. Luna. I'm so so sorry," she hiccupped, her tears building speed, falling from her eyes at an alarming rate now. "We didn't know. We didn't know. And we got back and everything was…" she choked, hiccupping again, and buried her face in Luna's fur.
"Everyone was gone. And I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I let everyone die. I let Mamo-chan die, and now…..How could I?" she breathed. "I'm a terrible person. Why did I survive?"
"Usagi."
She jumped, turning tear-filled, guilty eyes up to take in a Shuu who was staring at her with an agonized expression on his face. She blinked, her lashes fluttering, as her surroundings came into focus once more. This was the exact scenario she'd been trying to avoid. The last thing she wanted was to make him worried or upset.
The grating of metal on concrete was uncomfortably loud for a moment, and then he was sitting across from her. A large, gentle hand settled uneasily on the table between them.
"Why would you say something like that?" he asked her in a small, plaintive voice. His eyes searched hers. "Is this…because of what happened the other day?"
She did not like seeing Shuu so lost and uncertain. It hurt her heart. Her inability to handle her own emotions and doubts was hurting him, and Usagi made an effort to set them aside so she could reassure him. She smiled her best smile for him.
"Of course not! I'm just…trying to figure some stuff out," she said lamely, unsure of the right words to say. His expression darkened.
"Don't do that," he said evenly. Usagi's smile waned, and she searched his expression, trying to figure out what he meant.
"Don't do what?" she finally asked, simply too tired and worn down to understand what he needed from her.
"That," he growled. "Don't push your feelings aside for me. Don't pretend you're ok when you're not. I'm not gonna let you brush this aside this time, Usagi. Talk to me. Please. "
She studied his face, taking in the fear and sadness behind the fierceness of his gaze, wondering how on earth to get past this without having a full breakdown in public view. She looked down at Luna, but that was no help. The cat was staring at her with a totally neutral expression. She stalled.
"This isn't the place for a conversation like that. And it's not really the time either." Maybe if she gave herself a little time, she could figure out a way out of this that didn't hurt Shuu or make him feel bad.
Shuu nodded. "You're right." His face took on a sudden determined edge to it that made her wary. He rose, stepping in front of her, and bent, scooping her up without warning. She squeaked, clinging tightly to Luna, as he simply carried her inside, ignoring calls from the staff asking what was wrong, and if she was ok. Usagi felt her cheeks heat with embarrassment, but she stayed silent, curling in on herself. She'd thought she might have more than a few scant moments to figure this out.
Shuu carried her through the kitchens, into the back, huffing up a set of stairs and into his slightly unkempt office, kicking the door closed behind them. Almost immediately, the outside world became muffled, and Usagi felt something inside her edge close to panic.
Don't let him see. Don't let him know what you're thinking, she coached herself silently. It'll just hurt him.
He deposited her in a worn armchair, and dragged a stool over with his foot, dropping himself onto it so that he was facing her in the chair. And blocking all avenues of possible escape.
"I'm not gonna let you keep doing this. Just tell me what is going on with you. I'm dense, but I'm not stupid. I know you miss that guy. Mamoru. I know you're scared about what's going to happen. I know this is all hurting you a lot, but I can't help you – nobody can – unless you let us. Please. Talk to me Usagi."
She was prepared for a lot, but not for him to beg her to let her true thoughts and feelings out. She fought hard to keep her emotions under control, when all she wanted to do was burst into tears and throw herself at him – let him hug her pain away. But she wasn't a naïve girl anymore, and she had to be strong now. She swallowed, and looked down at her hands.
"Yes. I do miss Mamo-chan. It's hard because I know he's gone. It's my own fault. I didn't protect him. I didn't stay by his side. And I lost him. It's the same for the Outer Senshi. This isn't complicated Shuu. I won't let it happen again. I won't lose anyone else. That's all there is to it."
She smiled for him, folding her hands in her lap around Luna and trying to project an air of confident finality.
The projection faltered when she took in his fierce answering scowl. He leaned forward. "That is not all there is to it," he growled. And somehow, the idea that he was finally venting the anger she'd caused him comforted her. They could clear the air. She could apologize for hurting him, and maybe put this to rest.
Between them, the fur along Luna's back went up, and Usagi could feel her tiny body tense. She ran a soothing hand over the feline's back. "It's all right Luna. Shuu won't hurt me," she soothed.
Shuu leaned back then, his posture slumped with defeat. "Is that true though?" he said quietly. Usagi stared at him, unsure what to make of this sudden change in posture and attitude. She didn't really know how to handle the emotional side of him, and it felt like one wrong move could do permanent damage. She wanted to go back to the beginning. When she could just smile at him, be cheerful for him, and not worry about anything else.
"Of course it is! What are you talking about?" she said, trying to cover her confusion and clear the air. He shot her a look from beneath his lashes, a light dusting of pink appearing briefly over the bridge of his nose.
"Is it? Because my feelings have become a burden on you. I should've kept them to myself. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I just couldn't hold them back. But that doesn't mean you need to do anything. I mean, I know, all right? You love Mamoru. That's ok. And I won't do that again, ok? I'll keep them to myself so you don't—"
She couldn't bear it. Not one more minute of it.
"—I don't want you to keep them to yourself!" she burst out, cutting him off. Both Luna and Shuu stared at her with wide eyes, but the crack in her mask was there now, and she couldn't seem to stop the flow of words.
"It's not a burden, ok? I understand your feelings, and you shouldn't have to hide them! But I couldn't keep Mamo-chan safe! I couldn't protect him! It's not right, for me to think about somebody else like this when I couldn't save him! He died, and I wasn't even there!" The tears followed the words, and now she was sobbing, great heaving sobs that she couldn't stop, even as she tried to make him understand.
How could she love him, when she'd failed the last person she'd loved? Everyone always protected her, because she was supposed to be the one who could save them all. But she hadn't, and it was killing her now.
"I'm weak. It was my job to protect earth. I was supposed to protect the people I loved, and I failed. My Senshi are suffering. I lost half of them. They died in battle, when I should have been there! I lost my family. If I had been there, they would still be alive!" She hiccuped, the pain so great she could barely breathe. Overcome, she tangled her fingers in her bangs, burying her face in her hands, curling into a ball in the chair as she tried to breathe through the agony tearing her inside out.
"I couldn't protect anyone, so how can I love anyone again? How can I reach for someone else?" she whispered. "I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this. They should have left me back in our Universe. They should have left me behind."
She shuddered, hugging herself. A tiny paw landed on her arm, but she ignored it. She didn't want to look at either of them right now, she felt so ashamed.
"Why is the whole fucking Universe your burden?" Shuu growled into the stillness. Usagi flinched, blinking wide, tear-filled eyes at him. He looked…angry. One of his hands was clenched into a fist on his knee, but the other rested on the arm of the chair she sat in as he leaned forward, into her space.
"I mean it. Seriously. Why is one woman responsible for all of existence? Who the hell thought that was ok?" he pressed, leaning closer. Usagi tried to understand what he meant, the blue of his eyes deep, drawing her in at this distance.
"I'm the Guardian of the Silver Crystal. It's just…always this way," she replied, not knowing how to articulate an instinct that had been embedded in her bones since she'd first unlocked the crystal. Shuu shook his head.
"Nope. There were five of us." He paused, holding up a hand, palm out, five fingers extended fully. "And yeah. We were in charge of saving humanity. And we did our best. And things were scary. And we weren't always sure that we'd win. I'm not saying we wouldn't be devastated if we'd lost a fight. But this is too much. You're still just one person, right? You can't do everything. You can't carry everyone. Isn't that ok? Isn't it ok to be just one person?" he said plaintively, leaning in closer.
"He's right, Usagi." Luan said, putting both paws on one of her arms now and leaning up to peer at her. "And shouldering this all on yourself is forgetting about your Senshi."
Usagi looked away from both of them. "They did their part. Protected me. Tried. They're always having to sacrifice," she defended. "This isn't about them. I should be protecting them."
"It should be about them. Usagi, I understand you want to keep your friends safe, but you all work together as a team," Luna cut in. "I don't exactly know what happened to all of you, but I'm sure you fought hard and did your best."
Usagi sighed, frustrated. They wanted her to be ok with losing so many lives? They wanted her to accept that she'd failed?
"Usagi-chan. Sometimes being a leader – being a Queen – means understanding that not every battle can be won," Luna pressed.
"You guys fought hard. You didn't have a choice. You were pulled away from your home. We weren't exactly on a vacation in the Underworld, and then you moved right into another battle. And you still saved everyone you could. And everyone else – you gave them a second chance. What about your second chance?" Shuu pled, reaching out and gently taking her hands, folding them in his own.
His fingers were warm, and rough, his hands large and strong. Somehow, the sincerity on his face, the emotion in his eyes, broke through her shell of misery. She wanted to curl up against him and pretend that everything was ok. Their arguments were starting to make too much sense, and part of Usagi – a large part – was still insisting she had no right to take love or comfort. To be happy.
A tense silence bloomed between them. Shuu shifted suddenly, and Usagi looked up. His eyes were wide, almost scared, and he was looking at Luna.
"Has that cat been talking? That cat has been talking," he muttered. "I mean, right? There's a third person in this conversation, and it's a cat. It's definitely a cat. Right?"
Usagi let out a watery laugh. "It's Luna," she said with affection. Gently, grateful for the diversion, she plucked the cat up, and held her to Shuu's eye-level. "Shuu, meet Luna. My guardian and mentor. Luna, meet Shuu. My very dear friend." She made a face then, uncertain about the term dear friend. He felt like much more. She wanted much more.
Luna bobbed her head in a delicate feline curtsey. "Pleased to make your acquaintance," she said formally. "I must say, I wasn't sure what to think at first, and neither was Artemis, but I'm glad Usagi's with you. It seems our girls landed in the right place." That was probably one of the warmest greetings Usagi had ever heard the cat offer – to a complete stranger no less.
Shuu hadn't quite lost the strained confusion in his expression but he bobbed his head in return. "Um. Likewise, I guess. You're…..you're really a talking cat, right? I'm not hallucinating?"
Usagi giggled, nodding. "You're not hallucinating Shuu. Luna is definitely a talking cat. Your face looks so funny right now," she added, laughing a bit harder. After a moment, the mirth died, melancholy replacing it. Usagi uncurled her legs, setting Luna back in her lap. The cat put her paw back on Usagi's arm, getting the girl's attention.
"Usagi-chan. If you're too hard on yourself over past actions, it will affect your ability to do your best now. . Based on what Artemis and I have found, it looks like whatever happened, all the Star Seeds were reborn here. We all have a second chance, and it's important that we focus on the future," she said.
Shuu bristled. "Usagi rebirthed them here," he growled, correcting the cat. Luna turned wide eyes on Usagi.
"You rebirthed all the Star Seeds here? However did you manage to get them and rebirth them here without the cauldron?" she breathed. Usagi sighed, wrapping her arms around her knees, surrounding Luna in the basket of her lap.
"It's kind of a really long story. We…" she cut off, turning her head for a moment. "When we got back after the Underworld, Ami-chan figured out what had—where all the starseeds were. Mina-chan and Mako-chan got them from that thing. The Troopers rescued us, and with some help, we were able to rebirth them here, in the Troopers' world." She said quietly. "Anyways, that's the quick version of the story."
Luna frowned at her. "You were in our world after – everything? When?" she asked.
Usagi buried her face in her knees again, looking distraught, and Shuu tensed in front of her on his stool, defensive. She pressed forward before he could express the anger she could see trapped in his mouth.
"We….we came back. We were brought back after….everything. After the battle in the Underworld. But you were gone. You were all gone, and we….And we…." She hiccupped again, her eyes filling as she looked up at Luna. Luna looked at her plaintively, anxiety creeping into her posture.
"Underworld? What are you talking about?" she asked.
"You were gone." Usagi whispered, eyes haunted, expression distant as she relived that awful moment. That first, terrible moment. The moment that haunted her dreams. That lived in her mind. The moment they'd arrived at Rei's shrine to fine everything, absolutely everything destroyed.
When she'd realized that everyone she loved had perished without her. Just thinking about it made her feel distant, as if she were suddenly outside of herself, somewhere far away.
Shuu growled, bringing her back. He straightened his posture and shot Luna a dark look. "She shouldn't be talking about this anymore," he snarled. Usagi smiled, patting his arm.
"It's ok. Luna should know –"
"I will. I think it best if we meet up with the others, Usagi. But first, I need you to understand – this is not your fault. Part of being a Ruler is knowing that you may not always win the fight. Your mother went through the same thing when she realized she could not win against Metalia. She did the only thing that she could do. The best that she could do then. That meant sacrificing herself to give all of us a future.
When Artemis and I first woke up here, I was afraid that you'd done the same. That you'd sacrificed yourself so that all of us could be reborn. That you were gone. Usagi-chan – I would much rather you be here, alive, than gone. I was so happy when we realized that you were here and alive.
What happened….it happened so fast. We didn't have much time to do anything except react. We were so afraid for you girls. We didn't know where you were or what had happened to you. It had told us it had you," Luna finished with a voice so low it was nearly inaudible. "It had you Usagi," she whispered, looking haunted.
Shuu shuddered and reached out then. Before Usagi realized what he meant to do, she was cradled in his lap, cuddled against him. One large hand cupped her cheek, tucking her close, and the other rubbed her arm vigorously.
"I hate it," he said in a low voice. "I hate the thought of you in that place. I hate that you think this is your fault. You fought hard. It's important to remember that." He paused, and seemed to hesitate for a moment before continuing," And I….I'm sorry if my….feelings made it harder for you to adjust here. I love you, Usagi, but I just need you to be happy. I can back off. Whatever you need," he added desperately.
Usagi couldn't help but cry then. Hearing him say he'd back off right after telling her he loved her hurt. And she didn't want him to back off. She needed him. She was so selfish.
"No. Please don't do that. I know I'm selfish, but I need you. I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm selfish but I love you anyways. I can't help it. I promise I'll protect you with everything I have, but it might not be enough." She buried her face in his shirt, loathing herself even as a part of her lightened with wild joy. As if simply confessing her feelings had eliminated a massive burden that she hadn't realized had been hanging around her neck.
Shuu sighed, his chest rising and falling against her ear as his arms wrapped around her shoulders and held her tightly. "Then I guess we're selfish together," he said quietly, looking incredibly sad. "Because I love you too. But I don't know what to do. I wish I knew how to do the right thing.
"I wish I could help you." He buried his face in her hair, inhaling her scent.
"I think you are," Luna said quietly, studying both of them somberly from her new position on the arm of the chair. "Usagi-chan. I admit I was skeptical at first. I didn't know what was going on, seeing you Senshi running around with these boys. I admit that I still don't really understand. But I think I trust them.
"Everything has changed. It's all new and different. But Usagi-chan, the strength of your spirit hasn't changed. Lead with your heart. It has never steered you wrong."
Usagi shifted, moving to look up at Shuu again, taking in the somber expression on his face. She didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. He was supposed to be smiling. Shuu was always so happy, and she didn't want to be someone who took that away from him. She wanted to give him reasons to smile.
"Is it ok? Is this ok?" she breathed, not sure if she was asking for permission or forgiveness. He did smile then, but the expression was full of sadness.
"I don't care anymore. If you feel the same way I do, I don't care. I'm going to love you until I can't. I'll stay by your side until you tell me to go away," he vowed intently. She sniffed, love for him making her ache. He was too good by half, but she couldn't fight it anymore.
"Stay with me for always. I'll never tell you to go away," she promised. She smiled, and this time felt the smile. He returned the expression, much of the weight leaving his face, genuine happiness slowly filtering through. Usagi wasn't sure what happened after that, just that she wasn't ready to look away and that their faces were suddenly incredibly close to each other.
Their smiles faded, expressions serious again before his gaze moved to her lips and his lids lowered. Usagi felt her own lids lower in response before he closed the gap between them. He cupped her jaw gently, angling her face, and then he simply drank from her. Usagi forgot to be upset. She forgot to be hurt, as his love sang through her veins and sank into her heart.
He wasn't Mamo-chan, but she loved him still. She might be selfish. She might not feel deserving. But Shuu Li-Huang had seen those parts of her. And he still loved her anyways. Shuu deserved everything. And she'd give him everything she could.
