Ranger carried me down the stairs, put me in my wheelchair, and walked beside me as I pushed myself down the hall. I was very proud of my ability to get myself around and, although Ranger babied me more than he probably should, he had been very good about supporting my independence. I had been working with a physiotherapist daily for the last five weeks to strengthen my muscles and get me past this hump. I think it was doing me good. It was something Eduardo had recommended – and I was happy with how much stronger and healthier I felt. It may hurt like hell to do the exercises, but the resulting pride in myself made it worth it.
Mairi had been coming to the castle for a month, but as of a week ago I was going to her office. I thought it was a good thing for me to get out of the castle and extend my boundaries a bit. The first few times I went, I had panic attack upon panic attack, and Kai ended up having to give me medication to cope. It was now getting better, but I suffered at first.
I wheeled myself into the dining room and positioned myself at the head of the table. It was the easiest place for the wheelchair. Ranger typically sat to my right, and today was no different.
When everyone was settled, Ranger looked around the table. "As everyone knows, Steph went to court today. It was pretty well open and shut, and within twenty minutes the case was closed. Val was mandated to do community time as well as get some help with her drinking. She might not have had that last requirement if she hadn't arrived at court drunk. She looked honestly shocked that she lost the case. Her main defense was that she didn't know that Steph wasn't faking it." There was a rumble of anger and astonishment around the table. Not one member of the strike team had been impressed when Val had spent the two days at the castle with us, and they had spent the last few weeks seeing me suffer after her attack. To question whether I was faking it was an insult that the men didn't want to accept.
"When Val came in, she brought her ex-husband, Steve. Apparently, he has been supporting her while she was waiting for her court date and it looks like they are getting back together again. On our way out, Steve stopped us. He invited themselves to the castle, and Steph said no. He called what happened a misunderstanding, that Val honestly hadn't understood that Steph wasn't faking it and said that faking it was something that Steph would do to get attention. He then said that he would like to start on a clean slate and have him and Val rejoin the family." There was another rumble of anger around the table. "Steve is not an honorable person. Apparently, when Val was engaged Steve tried to rape Steph twice. Once, when Val walked in, he blamed it on Steph. So did Val, her grandmother and her mother. The second time was the day before his wedding, and Steph nailed him. After that, she made sure she was never found alone with him. Steph has asked me to make sure she was again never left alone with him as she doesn't particularly want to be raped."
"Been there, done that, have the t-shirt, and don't ever want to do it again", I said.
Ranger smiled, captured my hand, and squeezed it lightly in solidarity. "Steph predicts that Steve and Val will, despite Steph's refusal to invite them, come for a permanent visit. She got a very bad feeling from them.
"Since then, Steph came home and had a nap and the disquiet she felt transferred into her dreams. In her dreams, the kids are kidnapped. The kids are taken in the front gardens. We don't know if this is a premonition sort of dream, like it was when I was shot six months ago, or whether it is just a nightmare that was created from her discomfort in seeing the asshole today. Steph is going to do some research on him this afternoon, and we can talk about it again when the kids are in bed tonight. However, whether it is a premonition or a nightmare, Steph's hinky meter is glowing brightly. As I keep telling her, it is okay to be wrong. There is no such thing as being too careful. Because of that, Hal, I would like you to start assigning teams of two to cover the children. Steph and I will talk to the kids about stranger danger again and hopefully, between it all, we won't have to set up a search and rescue operation."
"How are you doing, Steph?" said Julie. Julie was Ranger's college-aged daughter. She was more than my stepdaughter. She was a close friend of mine, Kai's girlfriend, and one of the five Gurus. She was an incredible person and I was grateful that she was in our family.
"Not great. I don't trust Steve farther than I can throw a stick and, if any of you have seen me throw a stick, you know that isn't far." Julie snorted. The last time I threw a ball to her, it went sailing over her head, hit the side of the pool, bounced up and hit Tia, our five-year old, in the head, ricocheted off the side of the pool again, and bounced up into my face. Julie and Kai and the little ones thought it was very funny.
"Okay", said Hal with a smile, "I'll set up the schedule." Hal could smile, as he also knew my throwing ability. We'd had a deep snowfall one day a few months ago, and I was at the park watching the kids play. Hal came out to ask me a question, and I threw a snowball at him. It missed. So I threw three more. The closest I got to Hal was about two feet away. He just shook his head in dismay and told me that he would give me snowball throwing lessons. As he said that, a snowball hit him square in the chest. We both looked over in shock to see Tia grinning with triumph. She then came over and offered to be my official snowball thrower since I was so pathetic at it. Hal thought that was very funny. I didn't even know that she knew the word 'pathetic', and I didn't know whether I should be proud that she knew such a big word or insulted that she had used it in relation to me.
"Do you need help searching?" said Julie.
"At this point, no", I said. "I might need some help later though. At this point I just want to get the lay of the land."
"Okay", said Julie. "In that case, I might do some more work on the kids' self-defence. We haven't done anything in a couple of days, and they are doing so well. I'd like to keep them going. And it sounds like it would be a good idea to keep up on their lessons."
"Thanks, Jules", said Ranger. I reiterated it. Ranger looked around the table. "Does anybody have anything else to add?"
"I'll have a schedule out to you within fifteen minutes", said Hal. "Coverage will start immediately."
"Sounds good", said Ranger. "Good luck, gentlemen."
The men all got up as Ranger squeezed my hand again and asked me where I was going to work.
"I think I am going to work in my office", I said. "My computer is there, and I haven't had any alone time today. Eduardo and I are working on me increasing my time alone to get up my confidence again. As Eduardo says, this is a castle and is pretty good at defence features, and I can safely roll around the castle without having to worry about my personal safety. I have my phone on me and can call you if I need help. Forcing myself to be alone will be even more important to push myself to do through this period." I paused. "The other reason I want to work alone in my office is to talk to Noah." Noah was a manager that worked for the Rangeman research department. By training, he was a Doctor of Forensic Psychology and was an incredible researcher and trainer, and an all-round nice guy. He also had lost his legs when he was on the battlefield, and Eduardo suggested talking to him to ask him to mentor me and help with my return to work. I had already emailed him and asked him if he would mind, and he was quite positive about the potential of helping me.
Ranger bent over and kissed me on my lips. "If you need me, just call", he said.
I smiled, leaned into him, and kissed him on his hip. He walked beside me as we went into the hall and down to our studies. Ranger left me as he walked into his, and I went to the next study over and set myself up at the desk. I checked the time and saw that it was four in the afternoon, and I thought that it might be a good time to call Noah. After all, it was ten in the morning in Trenton.
I dialled the number and was soon patched through. When he answered, I said, "Hey, Noah. It's Steph. Is this a bad time?"
I could hear the pleasure in his voice. "Not at all. In fact, I just finished doing a review on a person, so it is actually the perfect time."
"Good. I assume that you heard what happened to me?"
"I did. How are you feeling?"
"Emotionally or physically?"
"Let's start with physically."
"There is just a bit of congestion left in my lungs. My muscle tear is causing me less discomfort and it is easier to move than it was a few weeks ago. My right leg is healing relatively well, and it looks like I won't have to have any grafting done on it. It's getting there, slowly but surely. My left leg, however, isn't healing as successfully and it looks like I will need grafting done on it, something that I am terrified about, I might add. I am still in a lot of pain, but I am trying to spread out the painkillers. I'm still on a strong painkiller and I am trying meditation and other pain relief methods to try to downgrade my painkillers to ones that are less intense and have fewer side effects."
"Is it working?"
"Sometimes. I can often step it down from the turbocharged painkiller to morphine but getting it down to the milder painkillers is a little harder. I've only managed to function with an extra-strength acetaminophen option twice so far."
"Even being able to do what you have done is amazing. You should be proud of that, because using mind control methods of pain relief is incredibly difficult."
Tears came to my eyes. "Thanks. That's what Eduardo and Kai and Grant are telling me, but it is so damn hard that I feel like I am failing. My goal is to get it down to the extra-strength option all the time, and when I can't I feel awful about myself."
"You've got to give yourself a break, Steph. I was talking to Nick, and he said that you were only knocked out half the time. I have a friend who had burned his arm with severe second-degree burns and lost one of his legs. He told me that his arm caused him far more pain than his leg. Having said that, I was basically knocked out for a couple of weeks when I lost my legs. I can't even imagine the pain of a bad burn if it is worse than what I went through."
I sniffled. "Thanks, Noah. I always feel like such a wimp when I am in pain, and I feel like it is a problem with me rather than a problem with the natural pain associated with a burn."
"On a scale of zero to ten, what is your overall pain level?"
"Without medication? About seven."
"So you are still struggling a bit."
"Yes, and I get so mad at myself for it."
"There is no need to get angry at yourself. It just is the way that it is. Steph, you went through something huge, something beyond comprehension, and you have to give yourself a break. It was a major injury, not a sunburn, and you have to be kind to yourself and let yourself heal. Are you back to work yet?"
"I'm doing a couple of hours a day. I find that I am still tired, and I have to sleep for about three or four hours in the afternoon, and even so I go to bed at the same time as the toddlers."
"Healing time. I'm glad that you are gifting yourself with that and, to tell you the truth, that is probably why your right leg and your lungs and your muscle tear are healing as well as they are. Why is your left leg so bad in comparison?"
"It was healing as well as my right leg when, about a week after the fire, I rolled over and knocked my legs together by mistake. That set back healing quite a bit. However, I pushed myself and a few days later I joined everyone for lunch. My sister had invited herself over though, and she was convinced that I was making my injuries up. At the end of lunch, she decided to prove my 'lie' by kicking me hard. Kai had to put eight stitches in my flesh and much of my healing skin was reinjured. The five-by-five square part she kicked is precisely the area that the burn doctor thinks will need grafting."
"Ouch. Nick said that you are in a wheelchair?"
"Yah. It's in Rangeman black but, as per the kids' request, the seat cushion is black with pink and purple flowers on it. They are thrilled about it, and they can't wait to show you as I told them that you'll be jealous. Tia has already suggested that we make a special cushion for your wheelchair as well. I'm just glad that we didn't go with the kids' first option. They wanted me to get a Barbie-pink wheelchair with the flowered cushions. Luckily I don't think anyone other than Mattel makes them."
Noah laughed hard. "You could have gotten it powder coated in Barbie-pink."
"Please, please don't mention that to the kids. I would wake up one day and it would have been painted during the night when I was sleeping. They seriously think the pink would be pretty and even though I have told them that it wouldn't color coordinate with my clothes, they think it would be a stunning option when I wear my uniforms. Grace suggested that I get it powder coated in rainbow colors so that it would go with all the colors that I wear. She said that you'd be especially jealous of that."
Noah laughed. "I'm quite happy with my Rangeman black", he said. "I'm just envisioning a rainbow wheelchair. You'd have to wear a hippie headband and beads and gogo boots up to your knees."
I laughed hard. "Thanks, Noah. I needed that."
"How do you feel about coming into the office?"
I sighed. "A bit mixed. I'll be glad to get back and to immerse myself in something that is normal, but I'm afraid that people will treat me differently. I have been working with a physiotherapist to build my muscles again so that I can push myself around and so that I can have as much independence as I can, and I have been working with Eduardo to deal with the PTSD and the crippling anxiety."
"How is that going?"
"The physiotherapy hurts like hell, but it is important to get the blood flowing in my legs or I will lose them. I like building my muscles and learning how to use my wheelchair effectively though, so that I can move myself around. I've lost a lot of weight, so I also like the idea that I am adding muscle rather than fat. There is no elevator at the castle, so I am looking forward to going home and being able to move in and out of the apartment myself. With the castle, I can only wheel myself around the first floor and if I want to go to bed, I need to ask someone to carry me upstairs – and that the damsel-in-distress routine is getting old. I have been preparing to go home and have been practicing moving myself from my wheelchair to the bed. I'm determined not to be a victim, and I have a lot of people cheering me on."
"Is the wheelchair a permanent thing?" said Noah softly.
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't know. It certainly is right now. The pain is excruciating when I put weight on the bottom of my feet. However, when my feet heal? I don't know. The only thing that I can do is try to make sure I don't lose the ability to walk when my injuries have healed."
"How do you feel about the idea that you might be in a wheelchair permanently?"
I paused. "Pissed off and grateful at the same time."
"Interesting combination. Explain."
"Pissed off, because I was healing well until my sister kicked me. If I am resigned to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, it will be because my sister was being a bitch. And that gets me very angry. It didn't have to happen, and that gets to me. I want to wail and scream about that, and I'm having a hard time accepting it. It also gets me angry that I was doing something good, and I am rewarded for that with pain. However, at the same time, I am grateful. Noah, this is going to sound terrible, but I am going to say it anyway."
"Okay?"
"I am in a very lucky spot. First, yes, I will have scars – but they are on my lower legs. This is the part that sounds terrible, but I am grateful it didn't result in scarring on my face. I think, emotionally, that scarring on my face would be harder to recover from and would take far more courage than I possess. Second, I'm in a position that we can afford for this to happen. My inability to work a full day right now isn't putting the family's income in jeopardy. It won't make us struggle to put food on the table or cover our rent. We can afford a comfortable wheelchair. I have people here who are willing to carry me up and down the stairs, and when we get back to Trenton our apartment is on one level and we have elevators. I don't even need to battle snowbanks in the winter since there are enclosed bridges linking the different buildings. And third, I am married to someone who, although he has been worried about me, truly doesn't care that I'm in a wheelchair. He doesn't think less of me or treat me any different. He still loves me even though I am disabled right now and, after talking to some of the people at the physiotherapy clinic, I've learned that isn't always the case. He still tells me that I am everything to him. He still values what I have to say and comes to me to talk out issues. He still makes me feel like the most important person in his life. He's a little more protective, but nothing has really changed between us. He doesn't see me as having any less value because I can't walk. My kids are fascinated rather than repelled by the wheelchair. My family truly doesn't care that I have a disability." I sighed. "At this point, the physiotherapist thinks I have a good chance of walking again. But I am doing my best to increase the odds."
"You're still fighting."
"Hell yeah. It's too soon to give up."
"And I'll be one of many cheering you on. Just like everyone else in Research and Investigative Services. Just like everybody at Rangeman. Did you know that a pool has already started for when you start walking again? Almost everybody has placed a bet. The last I checked, the bets range from a month from now to four months from now. Everyone knows how hard you work and how stubborn you are, and how much effort you put into things. And how you never give up. The point is, Steph, that not one person has bet that you won't get out of the wheelchair." I sniffled and wiped my eyes. "And Steph, even if you don't get out of a wheelchair? You'll be the most inspirational person at Rangeman. Whether you are in a wheelchair or not, you are the epitome of everything we stand for, everything we aspire to be. Being disabled doesn't change who you are. You're an incredible person and, no matter what happens to you, you always will be."
"I'm worried that people are going to treat me differently."
"And hopefully they will. Hopefully they will open doors for you and walk slower so that you can keep up. There will be some discomfort at first as people won't be sure what to say or what to do. There is no guidebook that tells people how to act, and people will be overly sensitive and trying overly hard to not insult you or make you uncomfortable and, because they are trying so hard, they will make you feel uncomfortable in the process. However, you are great with people and within a day you'll have the department eating out of your hands. What I would suggest is that you have a videoconference staff meeting a few days before you are coming home, tell everyone when you are planning to be back in the office, and explain to everyone what is going on with you. Tell them what kind of hours you are going to work and what work you will be doing when you are easing back into working full-time. Tell them some things that they can do to help you out. You are well-liked, Steph, and people are going to want to help you as much as they can. They just need a little direction."
"Okay."
I could hear Noah smile. "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it."
"It seems lately that I worry about everything."
"Then talk. Maybe continue to see Eduardo every day. He's great with helping with PTSD. I have talked to him extensively myself. Talk to Ranger. Talk to Grant and Kai. Talk to the Gurus. Talk to me. But whatever you do, don't stop talking."
"Okay."
"When do you come back?"
"In a week."
"What are you doing in the meantime?"
"We were in court today for my sister's assault charge, from when she kicked me. When she came, she was with her ex-husband, an asshole of a man who tried to invite himself to stay with us. He had tried to assault me twice in the past, and I don't trust him at all. He attempted to make me feel like I was in the wrong to not be welcoming both him and my sister with open arms. And when I saw him, I just had this terrible feeling. I don't know if it is because of my ramped-up anxiety or whether it is based on reality. However, my hinky meter was going off. I had a nap when I got back, and it was full of nightmares of the kids being kidnapped. So I told Grant, and Grant encouraged me to tell Ranger, and Ranger said that it didn't matter if my hinky meter was based on reality or whether it was just responding to the over-the-top anxiety. He said it never hurt to be too cautious and we are now putting two guards on the kids. I feel kind of bad, but it is the only thing that will help me breathe. I couldn't take it if something happened to the kids – especially when I don't have all my abilities and full capabilities to protect myself and, more importantly, my family." I paused. "That's another thing to be grateful for."
"What's that?"
"That Ranger will take the steps to protect the kids, based on a feeling and a handful of nightmares."
"That's true. Proof again that he values you and takes what you say seriously."
"It feels like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill."
"Does that matter? There is no problem with protecting the kids. The men are there, and they would take a protection detail seriously. If there is nothing to protect them from, it is just a training exercise for the men – and there is a value in that. However, if there is something to protect them from, the men will be in place.
"Ranger is a good soldier, and he has enough experience with your hinky meter to know to take it seriously. It's like that old adage about God. If you believe in God and there is a God, you'll go to Heaven. If you believe in God and there is no God, it doesn't matter. If you don't believe in God and there is no God, it doesn't matter. And if you don't believe in God and there is a God, you'll go to Hell. Therefore, the smart thing to do is to believe in God. Similarly, the smart thing for Ranger to do is to protect the kids. And as I said, if there is no problem it is still a good training exercise for the men."
