Conceal, Don't Feel

It was hard for her to put into words, to find a way to say what she meant, to express herself so forcefully, for to do such went against every principle of her upbringing. As a child, Ahim de Famille had been constantly reminded that it was her duty to listen, to speak only when a path was clear to her—to not make promises she could not keep, nor utter foolish things that might later be used against her. Yet in the back of the ambulance a day prior, their very lives on the line, so the words that had escaped her lips had resounded with her heartfelt honesty.

'I do not want to be your little sister!'

She reached out, cupping the warmth of the china, seeing herself in the reflection of the dark tea, her fringe a little too long, her hair tied neatly back, her expression one of seriousness, thoughtfulness. Her mother's face, she thought, and turned away quickly, the realisation of the likeness unwelcome, the memory of her mother's passing still clear in her mind.

There were others like her, other survivors of Famile who had escaped the destruction of their world. She recalled the establishment of an attempted colony on Ejolus in the Inner Rim. Eight months after its founding, Zangyack had destroyed that also, claiming the lives of even more of her people, a move so bitter, so cruel, that the feelings it inspired were likewise hard for her to put into words.

The light fell upon the table at which she sat, yet still she shivered. Spring on this strange world was less predictable than it had been on Famile; that was the sole reason for the sudden cold she felt, she told herself.

In contrast, she remembered Luka, the warmth of her embrace, the gentleness she tried to hide, and again she remembered the volume of her own words, the determination behind them.

Impulsive, ill-considered, yet nonetheless true, she did not want to be a replacement for the little sister Luka had lost.

She had never been close to anyone in the way she was close to Luka, had never experienced the warmth of someone lying next to her as she slept, the comfort of another's closeness in the dark. Before the destruction of Famile, her life had been one of cautious distance from others, her seven, silent handmaidens in their red and orange robes being the only companions she had truly known, and even then, certainly not with the closeness she shared with Luka.

Growing up, her parents had remained distant, their solemn nobility something she aspired to. In the year before the destruction of Famile, she must have exchanged less than a handful of words with her father, all of them being simple pleasantries and niceties, nothing of substance or meaning, standing before him in family portraits, his eyes upon her, yet never quite seeing her.

Her older sisters, and her younger brother, Hans, were more approachable, yet there was too much of an age gap between her and Hans for him to truly be an ally within the royal household, and her sisters had already been of marriageable age by the time she had been born, making her less of a sibling to them and more like one of their own children.

Perhaps one of them was still alive, she thought, yet the hope quickly turned to sadness; perhaps they had sought out companionship also, perhaps they had made their way to Ejolus, perhaps they had died like so many others.

Before Luka, no one had told her before that she would be able to feel such things for another person, that she would ever find herself in a place where the feelings that welled up would come so readily tumbling from her lips in the shape of words, that she might declare so firmly, so resolutely what she wanted from another, what she needed them to understand.

A smile touched her lips, and she felt a warmth in her chest. This was something that was not of her old life, this was something that had not been taken away by the destruction of Famile.

The spring weather on this world was colder than on Famile, she thought once more, yet there was warmth here also, there was comfort and companionship, and, most importantly, there was love.

She felt arms gently wrap about her shoulders, felt the presence of someone close, and she did not need to turn to know who it was.