It is very important to close your HVAC systems when not in use.

Soldier learned that the hard way, belly down in a vent that could barely fit him, making cooing noises at the mother raccoon who had only unkind things to say in response. Granted, since these were Soldier's version of 'cooing noises', maybe that was to be expected. The animal was wedged dangerously close to heater, and if Soldier turned it on it'd fry her and her cubs to a crisp. Soldier was no stranger to the building's many dangers (the occasional methane leak, the sparking boiler, the giant piles of rocket launcher ammo he just left lying around) but usually he tried to keep himself as the only victim of the apartment's quirks, and not innocent procyonidaes.

"I am trying to help you!" he told her for the fifth time.

She hissed, and swatted his hand. Thankfully, after the eleventh time she'd bit him, he'd thought to put on oven mitts, and thus he only received a light thumping across his impromptu grabbers.

"Ma'am! I strongly suggest you watch your language!"

He'd have to try a different approach. He'd been attempting to remove the mother (as she seemed to be the biggest obstacle in his mission of vent de-obstruction) but maybe if he could nab the kids first she'd follow out after.

"…A wonderful day, isn't it?" he said, very, very casually as he tried to scoot closer to the baby raccoons. "Very warm…very desert-y…Look a distraction!"

The raccoon did not look. Soldier lunged anyway, swooping underneath her and seizing a cub in each mitt, a cry of victory on his lips. She was, unsurprisingly, not pleased with this development.

"AAAAAaaargggllggrll!" Soldier's victory screech turned to terror as thirty pounds of enraged fur threw itself at his face.

He went sliding backwards, feet desperately trying to find the ladder he had used to reach the vent in the first place. Find it they did, and his momentum sent the straight ladder teetering backward like a reverse pole-vault. As the ground rushed up to meet him, he did his darndest to keep the cubs tucked safe to his chest and shield them from the worst of the impact.

Unfortunately, the mother was not so lucky. The falling ladder acted like a pendulum and—untethered as she was—sent her flying across the room, screaming in pure fury. Even more unfortunately, she landed in one of the various rocket stockpiles.

The resulting FWOOM took out a good portion of the basement's foundation.

When Soldier sat himself up, a raccoon cub in each hand, a smoking crater where the poor creature used to be, all he could say was:

"Dammit."


"MEN!" Soldier shouted as he kicked in the base's door. The door did not need to be kicked. It was not locked, nor even closed entirely, but kick it he did and found small delights in the way it slammed against the adjacent wall. "I am calling a TACTICAL TEAM MEETING. Everyone REPORT TO THE KITCHEN on the DOUBLE."

"Soldier," said Spy, who was the only one present in the kitchen and had to clench his coffee mug to keep it from rattling, "no."

That was about everyone else's summation too. "Soldier you can't just bring wild animals on base," Engie said once the team had gathered and he'd caught sight of the infant cradled in Soldier's arms.

"They are orphaned! I cannot abandon them to the wilds!" Soldier said in what was definitely not a pout.

"They're wild animals," Spy replied, having moved almost entirely into the rec room and retreated into the folds of an armchair. "It is where they belong."

"Where'd ya even get these?" Engie examined them with a crease above his goggles. "Where's their mother?"

"She exploded," Soldier replied with no inflection.

"You know, that's funny!" Medic said, "That just happened to-"

"Does not matter," Heavy cut in. "Match is in fifteen minutes. We do not have time to babysit. None of us can help, Soldier."

"Bit too late on that, mate," Sniper said, and jerked a thumb in Demo's direction.

In the corner, somehow having acquired one of the babies while no one was looking, the Demoman was bawling his eye out. Every few seconds the cub would mewl, Demo would sniffle, and then he would gently rub it to his cheek while spitting out unintelligible gibberish.

"Good gravy," Engineer grumbled. It had been hard enough keeping Pyro away from those things, but somehow Soldier had slipped surveillance and gotten to the second weakest link. "Did you give him one of those just because you knew he's in a crying mood?"

"Engineer! Are you implying I took advantage of our teammate's tenuous sobriety in order to curry favor with an over-emotional and easily swayed state of being? Because I resent that!"

"Demoman," Heavy warned. "Leave wild creature. We go kill men, not deal with baby."

"Wah? Buhuwcanweedjistleavetherthing…" Demo bemoaned, his first scrumpy of the morning and the proximity to cuteness slurring into a dreadful mixture of betrayed horror.

"I think he's a goner," Sniper observed. He patted Heavy on the arm, and headed to Resupply. "Might as well get out there, 'm sure they'll sort themselves out sooner or later."

"Gosh darn it," Engie grumbled, but even he could tell it was a lost cause.

One by one the mercenaries filed out, none of them save for the stalwart and loyal Demoman staying to help Soldier tend to what was clearly a dire situation. Fine then! They were obviously too weak willed to be of any use anyways; he and Demo could this just fine on their own.

"Demoman!"

Demo lifted his head, bottom lip trembling. He was going to dehydrate himself at this rate.

"Here," Soldier placed the remaining raccoon in Demo's, if not capable, then dedicated hands. Demo hiccuped in reply. "Find something to keep them warm while I run to the store. But not too warm! They are extremely easy to cook."

"Oahgay," Demo promised with a final sniffle. Doubling the amount of babies was threatening to make him break down entirely, but if Soldier had put his faith in him, then by God he would hold together. "Keep 'em roasty toasty…"

"Goodspeed, citizen," Soldier saluted. He gave two, much smaller salutes to the raccoons, and then was on his way.


"Demoman!" Soldier kicked the door open again. Ah, life's little pleasures. "I have returned from the pet store!"

The mercenaries began preparing the kitten formula, their two kits squeaking out displeasure for their empty bellies. Demo had taken off the top of an ammo crate and placed one of Pyro's blankies in the bottom; for heat, he'd 'borrowed' a prototype dispensers and attached it to the bottom of the crate. Sure Engie had given him that key to his lab for emergencies only, but surely this had to count, right?

"Alright, water first, then formula." Soldier brought his hands down on the counter. "We will need one pint of water, one teaspoon of sugar, and a quarter teaspoon of salt. That's pronto, private!"

"How d'ye knoo all'er this stuff?" Demo asked as he clambered for the kitchen's singular measuring cup. "Yeer so smart…"

Soldier blinked. Smart? Demo really must be drunk.

"Careful," Soldier said, helping Demo lay the first raccoon flat on a towel. "Keep it on its belly. There, that's good. Now when it's done with the water can try to feed it."

Soldier handled the second raccoon, and soon they were both ready to start taking the bottle. It was important not to overfeed, as that would cause the cubs to start sneezing milk out their nose, and if you didn't clean that off their faces in time it would lead to fur loss. They were good eaters—though to his disappointment, neither of them would take any sour creme. Not even a spoonful! Kits these days…

"Good job recruits!" he told them. "Now it's time for burping!"

"Burping?" Demo asked.

Soldier placed a towel over Demo's shoulder and helped him navigate a raccoon across it. After some quick instructions, Demo lightly tapped the baby's back, drumming its upper neck until it gave the tiniest, cutest burp right next to the Demoman's ear. He immediately burst into tears again.

"There there," Soldier said, this time patting Demo's back. "Just let it all out.


"Ach, not until you're older, girlie," Demo said, swiping the scrumpy bottle from where he had carelessly let dear little Eilidh begin to crawl around. "Come here."

He scooped her back into her ammo crate, where she'd cause less trouble.

"Girlie?" Soldier narrowed his eyes in suspicion. The helmet lessened the effect. "How do you know that?"

"I just have knowing for these things, you ken." Demo puffed up proudly. "Eilidh's a lassie, and her brother Eoghann over there's a laddie."

Soldier defensively cuddled the cub Demo was pointing at. "That is a terrible name! And you already named the other one, I get to name this one."

"Oh yeah? You think you can do better in the christening department?"

"Yes!" Soldier held out the raccoon in both hands. "This is George-Spangled Fireworks. The third!"

Demo smirked and folded his arms. "George-Spangled?"

"We can call him Jangled for short."

Soldier walked forward, at set Mr. Fireworks III next to his sister. They were drifting off already, the dispenser's low thrum a steady rhythm to find oneself falling into, vibrating the air and extending tendrils from its base. No doubt whatever mistakes Demo and Soldier made in their amateurishness, the dispenser would pick up the slack.

"Here," Soldier said, forcing one of the water bottles he'd picked up from the store into Demo's hands.

"What's all this?"

"Raccoons aren't the only ones that need to stay hydrated. You have been crying nonstop still they got here and also have been drinking alcohol. Drink up."

Demo looked at the bottle, then wiped his still-leaking eye with his sleeve.

"Aye," he smiled at Soldier. "Thanks."


The team had come and gone, berating them for missing the day's battle or merely scoffing in their direction, and eventually Demo and Soldier were the only two left on base. Even Pyro, who'd swung by to coo at the babies, eventually realized they were too tired to play and headed home as well. So it was just the two of them, standing guard over the tuckered out raccoons.

"You heading home then?" Demo asked. He was on his side, one arm mushed against his face and the other trailing absently inside the box, eye never leaving the small chests as they rose and fell.

"…No, I think I will stay."

"Aye, me too. For the first night at least."

They lapsed into silence, and Soldier left the kitchen chair he'd dragged over in favor of the floor next to the Demoman. Demo rose as well, and flopped against Soldier's side.

"We're good Dads," Demo hummed sleepily.

Soldier wondered if Demo would fall asleep sitting up. He wondered if they both would. "…Affirmative."

"We should be Dads for other things too. Like…" The seconds stretched on, Demo staring blankly into space like he honestly couldn't remember what other sorts of babies there were.

"Like?"

"…Otters," he said finally.

"Otters are good," Soldier agreed. A yawn hit him just then, and he felt like his jaw might fall off with how far he stretched it. "I will…keep that in mind…for next time…"

"Mm." Demo let his head fall in the crook of Soldier's neck.

They stayed like that, the four of them breathing in time.