Chapter 23: The Deepest Secret

Chanyeol:

"So... would you like to explain why you left that day if you have feelings for me as well?" I say, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice and failing.

"It's... it's... embarrassing." He whispers.

"Bae, I know that it's not the same dynamic between us anymore... but since when are we afraid of talking to eachother about anything? About real shit? Isn't that what best friends are for?" I say, a truckload of confusion in my voice.

He takes the beer from my hand and places it, along with his own, on the desk. He scoots a smidge closer to me until our knees are touching and he reaches out cautiously and takes both my hands in his.bhpn

"Are you sure you're ready to hear this?" He asks.

I laugh through my drunken fog. "It's a bit late for that, doncha think?" I smile at him, chuckling just a bit. "If you want us to be... something, we need to be honest with eachother."

He smiles back at me for a moment, but then shyly looks down at our hands. "Now I get why you never drink with me..." and he giggles a little. "But... You have a great point."

He sighs deeply before moving his eyes from our intertwined fingers up to my face. He untangles one hand away from mine and lifts it toward me. With the lightest of touches, he puts a finger on my chin and gently lifts my head to look at him straight on.

He prepares to speak, but hesitates. His piercing gaze is penetrating mine. I try my best to clear the alcoholic fog from my head. He's finally going to be honest with me, and if it's taking as much courage to tell me whatever it is that he needs to tell me as it took for me to tell him my secret? So I'm patient with him.

"I'm going to tell you something... my deepest darkest secret... but, please understand that I'm not telling you this to hurt you, and I NEVER want to do that again."

He stops and moves his hand back into mine and looks down, hesitating once more, although I continue to look into his soft, beautiful face. I wait patiently, with understanding beginning to fill my heart.

He clears his throat and opens his mouth, but no words escape. So I take one of my hands out of his for a moment to lift his chin, just as he had done to me, so that we are looking in eachothers eyes. "You can tell me anything Bae." I say firmly, "Anything." I repeat, putting a hard emphasis on the word.

His gaze softens and I see a small smile touch his lips. "Just... don't freak out, ok?"

Quietly, I reply as sincerely as I can, "I promise." I take my hand and push his messy hair to the side, tucking a few long strands behind his ear.

He looks down and then back up once more, and I begin to wonder just how heavy this is.

"The night before our kiss..." he says, "I had some very strange dreams about wanting to be intimate with you... and when you said 'stay'... well... that was a big part of those dreams, and... I was just a little taken aback that you said the exact same thing to me that I said to you in my dreams..."

His mouth opens and closes a few more times, before he finally continues, "Chanyeol... that was my first kiss. Ever. And I've never done anything with anyone before. So... when you touched my knee... when you moved your hand further up my thigh... I just wasnt ready for that."

Now it's my turn to hang my mouth open, struggling for what to say.