Singularity "Press F to pay respects"


"What the hell is that."

"I-it's a Saber-class Servant, m-ma'am!"

Director Animusphere pinched the bridge of her nose and held back an exasperated groan. "Fujimaru, do NOT take me for a fool. Especially when time is of the essence! Now look at me and tell me what. Is. That."

"That" could be many things, mused Ritsuka Fujimaru sardonically, novice magus extraordinaire.

"That" looked like a Saber. She wore a blue dress that was strikingly similar to the blackened knight in front of them. Her golden hair was in the same style, complete with a dangling ahoge waving carefree in the wind.

But that's where the similarities stopped. Because this Saber's face was a total nightmare to behold and her aura was on par with that of an eldritch horror. Those dull jade green eyes. The fish-eyed stare. The melancholic expression of timeless agony compacted into a thin unhappy line formed by her mouth.

"It's a Saber," he insisted miserably, already anticipating another furious outburst from the Director. "Whether you like it or not, she's my Saber. We made it this far with her!"

The white-haired woman opened her mouth to say something, only for her communication bracelet to buzz. "Director, give him some slack! It's his first summon. Granted, I wouldn't use the Grail mud lying around here as a catalyst but he did what he could!"

"Slack," sputtered the Director. She pointed accusingly at the defective Saber, who had gotten on all fours and was craning her neck at an uncanny angle. Her long dress didn't appear to be detrimental to her movement "You want me to give him some SLACK?! Our only defense against the enemy is this THING summoned by Fujimaru! All our hopes rest on this USELESS EXCUSE OF A SERVANT!"

Lucky for all of them, the masked Saber Alter was silently judging them from her perch on the Greater Grail. Much like a scarecrow, she held her arms out in a t-pose and made nary a sound.

"Cmon, Saber…listen to me! You need to fight the other Saber over there so we can save the world!" He then added in a lower voice, "And maybe get out of this crazy job too…"

"mAAstERRrrr…."

"Eep!" Ritsuka nearly jumped a foot in the air upon hearing the feral yet feminine voice of his Servant. Director Animusphere rolled her eyes and went back to yelling at her arm-err, at Da Vinci. Ritsuka started to shiver. "Y-you talkin' to me?"

From her contorted pose on the ground, she craned her neck and stared at her Master intensely. "whAT'S In iT foR mEEEE?"

"Uhhh…" He thrust his hands into his pockets, hoping to find something. Anything, really. His right hand grasped something long, flaccid and cylindrical. Bingo!

He fished out a wrapped strip of beef jerky and gave his uncanny partner his best smile (a grimace). "You can get a treat if you win!"

Saber tilted her head upwards and started sniffing. "Meat…Meeat..." And as if a switch had been activated, she began to bounce around with vigorous fervor. "GIVe iT tO mEE! MeAT! MEAT!"

Director Animusphere could only stare in horror at the absurdity of it all.

"Y-yeah! That's right! But only if you defeat that other Saber!" He wasn't expecting much. Maybe she would just die in the process and let the enemy Saber do her thing so he and the Director would earn the sweet embrace of death to end this hellish nightmare.

Even so, as the rabid Saber violently ran on all fours towards Saber Scarecrow, Ritsuka began to think that maybe, just maybe…they still had a fighting chance.

The feral Servant stopped just before the cliff overlooking the ground where the Chaldeans stood, finally assuming a bipedal position. With a flash of pale blue light, Saber summoned her weapon. A blade of the same color as the light appeared in her grip, but it didn't seem to be made of metal at all.

"What the- a balloon sword?"

Ritsuka did not turn around to see the seething expression of his superior. No. He could feel her womanly scorn from this position. And his ego had been thoroughly abused by this woman the entire time he was here, so he wasn't about to put himself through the wringer again.

Instead, he focused on how Saber raised her hands high, gripping the balloon blade with two hands. An enormous amount of energy enveloped her toy weapon, gradually enlarging the bulbous blade until it scraped at the stalactites hanging on the ceiling. It's a miracle the thing didn't pop.

Saber Alter, much like a scarecrow, did nothing. Maybe that mask was doing too good of a job and she couldn't see what was coming for her? Or perhaps the hideous sight of yet another Saberface was too much for even this evil incarnation of the King of Knights? The world may never know the thoughts behind those masked eyes.

Undeterred by the chilly reception, the abomination before her continued to charge her attack.

"The light…" Ritsuka could only stare at the Noble Phantasm unveiling itself.

Director Olga Marie Animusphere witnessed the violation of a treasured legend: the mythical sword of Promised Victory, now reduced to a mere balloon weapon. "I don't know how, but it shines bright. Just like it's supposed to."

Ritsuka turned around to look at her, surprised at her gentle tone.

"I suppose even a defective Servant is capable of releasing the legend bestowed upon them," sighed the Director in defeat. "It is the sad yet noble dream of all fallen soldiers past, present, and future, who lie dying on the field of battle. They hold and mournfully exalt it in their final moments. Have faith in what you see, Fujimaru. This is a power multiplied by the faith of those who believe in it. Even if the outcome looks undesirable, even if you can't accept the present conditions…" The Director hesitated, as if forcing the words out. "You have to remain loyal to your cause."

Ritsuka wondered if she memorized this verbal essay beforehand, or if this was normal for mages.

SLAP!

"You hit me!" Ritsuka rubbed his cheek, stinging with pain and warming up with slight inflammation. He stared in disbelief at his superior.

The white-haired woman glared. "And when I am speaking, you are supposed to look at me! Pay attention!" She turned to once again torture her sight with the cursed Saber's Noble Phantasm deployment.

"And now, this ridicule of a king will sing aloud the name of her pride and…joy…augh, I can't take this! This is so, so wrong!"

The fish-eyed emerald stare of Saber rises up to meet the unassuming, unresponsive dark apathy of Saber Alter and opens her mouth. With the cadence of a poorly-trained German voice actress starring in a fantasy-action movie from 2010, Saber engages her vocal cords.

"Ex….

CALIPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAUUUUURRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!"

Ritsuka was fairly certain he heard a voice crack.

When the smoke cleared, the entire cliff along with the Greater Grail was cleanly vaporized. There was a deep trough where it all once stood, and the cave began to rumble, signaling an inevitable collapse.

"DA VINCI!" Director Animusphere screamed into her communication bracelet again. "GET US OUT OF HERE, A.S.A.P.!"

"I'm on it! We just have a tiny problem!"

"Then fix it! What are you waiting for?! All of us to arrive back in body bags?! You're the head engineer! Be competent!"

"You can still survive for at least a second in space-"

SLAP!

"You hit me again!" Ritsuka rubbed his other cheek now, frustrated. "You can't just hit me because you can't reach Da Vinci!"

"Shut up! Every second I spend in this God-forsaken singularity," seethed the Director, "I lose a neuron in mY FUCKING BRAIN!" Her fingers dug into her hair as she tried to cope, seethe, and possibly mald. "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, FATHER?! IS THIS HOW WE TAKE BACK THE FUCKING FUTURE?!"

Ritsuka withdrew from the raging woman slowly.

Meanwhile, Saber returned to her Master on four legs again. Or maybe she teleported, because there was no way she crossed so much distance in so little time. She spit out a large yellow crystal at Ritsuka's feet, who gingerly picked it up. He grimaced at how slimy the thing was, but remembered to pull out the beef jerky. "As promised, here's the- AGH!"

With a lunge straight out of a horror movie, Saber snapped up the beef jerky rod from her Master's hand. She devoured the meat, plastic wrap and all, making noisy but satisfied sounds of munching and chewing.

"Good to know Saber likes meat…" Ritsuka turned to the still-fuming director. "Uh, here. You can have this. I don't know how to handle magic artifacts yet, so take it before I blow up or become possessed by an evil spirit or something."

The Director furiously swiped the crystal from Ritsuka's hands, inspecting it with twitching eyes. "It appears to be a Holy Grail. Finally. Something productive in the last five minutes. Well done, you incompetent novice. Despite everything, you might actually be useful. A third-rate magus, even."

Ritsuka raised his eyebrows. Was that praise? Admiration? Social vindication from his new boss?

"Bah," said the Director dismissively. "You're getting sidelined as backup once we unfreeze someone from the A-Team. They can probably fix the Singularities faster than you!"

Ritsuka's morale plummeted faster than a shooting star. At least he had Saber. Speaking of Saber, she was eyeing him hungrily.

God, he thought to himself, I really want to Cosmos Denial myself right now.


[a/n]: Congratulations, you made it this far. You deserve an apology. I made a typo with the b in Saber's name. It should be...a d. *wink wonk*