Chapter 2: Jeanne-On Dragoon (Part Un)

Jeanne D'Arc knocked on the wooden door to Orleans Castle. She was accompanied by Ritsuka, Director Animusphere, that rabid Saber, and the apologetic Saber. His name was Sumanai or something.

An apprehensive Gilles De Rais (Caster) opened the door. With his ping-pong balls for eyes, he studied Ruler and her posse.

"Well Gilles, I made it despite your directions," said the Ruler. "And evil intentions," she added under her breath."

"Ah, Jeanne D'Arc! I see you have brought friends." Gilles opened the door to the castle, welcoming them in. Well, as best as a creepy man with googly eyes could. "The more the merrier," he said with an uncomfortable chuckle. "I hope you're all prepared for an unforgettable revelation!"

"Hmph." Director Animusphere stormed inside, forcing her subordinate and his two Sabers to follow…

…only to walk into the foyer and catch an understandably peeved Dark Jeanne wearing just her cape observing them from the second floor mezzanine.

"GILLES! WHAT THE FUCK?!" The inverse Ruler bared her teeth. "WHO LET THIS SHIT IN HERE?!"

"Egad!" Gilles got all flustered. "My surprise is ruined!" Even so, he got in front of his crowd of guests. "Jeanne, guests, meet the Real Jeanne. Real Jeanne….erm…meet the soon to be tortur- esteemed guests of honor!"

Dark Jeanne flipped everyone two flaming middle fingers, then stormed off to parts unknown on the second floor.

"THAT was the surprise?" Director Animusphere shook her head, already exasperated. "You told us the Holy Grail would be here! We did not travel cross-country through France killing ungodly amounts of wyverns just for THIS!"

Gilles twiddled his thumbs. "Err, but the countryside was pleasant, yes?"

"Hell no! Do you have any idea how unpleasant it is to hike in dark clothes?! I've been burning all of my own magical energy just to keep myself cool!"

"And that's why I suggested you take the Combat Uniform," sighed Da Vinci from the comms bracelet.

"Actually, I can relate…" Gilles gestured to his dark robed getup.

"...oh." Olga Marie placed a hand to her forehead. "Ugh. Whatever, we just need to verify the Holy Grail's location and try to negotiate for it."

"giLLES!" Dark Jeanne's thunderous stomping approached them as she made her way back to the balcony. "You brought these pains in the asses to take MY Holy Grail?"

"N-no–"

"Alright listen up! Let's cut the crap already and get down to business," snapped Ruler. She brandished her flag staff at Gilles like a pointer. "You, if I recall correctly, had the Holy Grail in the first place. Then, because I….died, you decided to bring me back."

Gilles nodded soberly. Ritsuka scratched his head. "Which means…"

The Jeanne on the ground floor pointed up at the scantily-dressed Jeanne. "She IS the Holy Grail. That wish was used up on her, and powers her existence, as horrible as that sounds."

"Which is why she was able to spam all those stupid wyverns razing the country," sighed Ritsuka. "Now it makes sense."

"MASTER," said Saber, holding onto a piece of severed wyvern tail. She took a hearty bite and chewed. "If anYTHing, thEY sERVEd As eXCELLEnt rATIONS."

"No comment," said both Ritsuka and Olga Marie, stone-faced. Both were waiting for food poisoning to kick in at some point, despite Da Vinci assuring them it was perfectly fine.

"Mon Dieu, you've been EATING MY WYVERNS?! What kind of sick fuck are you?!" Dark Jeanne's eyes dilated to an exaggerated degree as she spotted a certain German swordsman. "And why the hell is that dragonslayer free?! Say something, won't you?! You don't get to fucking stand there and act like a cold-ass statue after getting out of jail for free!"

"I ant-cay peak-say to ou-yay ormally-nay," lamented Sumanai with a scowl. "Aster-cay over-yay ere-thay id-day his-tay to me-ay."

Dark Jeanne's eyes twitched. Literal flames were smoldering in her irises. "GILLES," she bellowed at the top of her lungs. "WHEN I SAID CURSE THE SABER, YOU CURSE THE FUCKING SABER!"

"You didn't specify–"

"I DON'T HAVE TO FUCKING SPELL SHIT OUT FOR YOU! YOU'RE THE CASTER!" She raised her sword and directed it at Gilles. "YOU'RE FIRED!"

And Gilles de Rais spontaneously combusted into a pillar of flame. Strangely, it smelled of burnt octopus afterwards as his ashes floated down to the ground.

"And to that stupid holy virgin and her looney bin," spat Dark Jeanne, "Vous sales croisés osez entrer dans mon domaine?! Va te faire cuire un œuf!"

She snapped her fingers, and a stupidly massive obsidian dragon began to rise out of a magic circle expanding at the feet of the Chaldean crew. "Hecking heck," cursed Jeanne. "We need to get out of here!"

"Is that the Ender drag-" Ritsuka was cut off as his Servant proceeded to carry him like a princess. It wasn't uncomfortable, but now his uniform was stained red with wyvern guts. "Augh! Sader, what gives?! I wanted to see the cool dragon! I mean, it would be a cool thing to see before I die…"

"Fujimaru, you named the Servant?!"

"Yeah! Saber is too generic, and I get the feeling we're going to meet a lot of them," replied Ritsuka. "So she's Sader!"

"Sader," repeated the mobile abomination. "Me likey."

"If only the cryo wasn't so good at its job, I wouldn't be in such a ridiculous situation," muttered the white-haired woman bitterly. "Shut up and get moving then! We're not dying to another flying lizard," yelled Director Animusphere. "Especially when this land is crawling full of them!"

"Yeah, that's right! Run!" Dark Jeanne shouted as she maniacally waved her hands in flag semaphore to direct Fafnir out of the hole. "Tu es aussi stupide que tes pieds, je "La Grondement Du Haine" dans ta direction!" With a mighty leap, the almost-nude Ruler hopped onto Fafnir, who somehow had a saddle ready on its back. The ginormous dragon took off to the sky, belching out a Baja blast-colored tongue of flame.

"Great," sighed Ritsuka as he was finally put down by Sader on a barren patch of land not far from the entrance to Orleans Castle. "Now what? That dragon's on the loose with that sexy version of Ruler-"

"Ahem," interrupted Jeanne.

"That inappropriately dressed version of Ruler," corrected Director Animusphere. "Well, I suppose now is as good a time as any to amass an army."

"An army? What army?" Jeanne looked around. "All we had coming into Orleans was Saber, that Saber, and me. Everyone else went off to take care of the wyverns."

"Ritsuka," sighed the Director reluctantly. "Do your thing. Call Rider, Caster, and Lancer. And if you feel brave, Berserker as well. PRONTO!"

"On it!" Ritsuka pulled out an antique-looking satellite phone with a pointy rainbow crystal topping the antenna. He quickly dialed some numbers and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hey, it's Ritsuka. Yes, we're all safe and sound. Yes, we're still alive- I just said that! What about you guys? Oh, Music Man died? Surprised it wasn't Lancer." There was a pause as high-pitched chatter grated Ritsuka's ear. "I was kidding, jeez! We need everyone in Orleans, we got a raid boss battle to engage in. You're coming in five? Great! See you all here!"

With a beep, he hung up in satisfaction. Maybe now the Director will praise him for competence! "And that's that!"

"Five?!" Director Animusphere was about to pop a vein on her forehead. "Fujimaru, we don't have that much-"

"...five seconds."

Sure enough, a trio appeared on the spot without much warning. There was a serpentine girl dressed in Japanese clothes smiling only for Ritsuka, a lizard girl practicing her vocal cords, and a knight with fabulous brown flowing hair.

"NOW we have an army," said Director Animusphere, crossing her arms. "I am not sure it's enough, but we have to take back that Holy Grail one way or another."

"It will have to do," declared Jeanne. She raised her flag, urging all allied Servants to draw near. "We gather here under the banner of Joan of Arc in order to defeat the threat to the world! It is true that for some of you this is not your homeland. But regardless, I ask that you join me as comrades in reclaiming France from destruction!"

Crickets chirped.

Fafnir continued to commit atrocities in the background of the French countryside.

Sader turned to face Ritsuka with an intense stare. "Permission to eat the dragon as spoils of war," said the Servant with her raspy, feral voice.

Ritsuka shrugged. "Yeah sure, why not? You seem to recover mana like that somehow." In the background, the disappointed Director facepalmed.

Sader raised her new weapon, a mere kitchen knife. "FOR MEAT! FOR VICTORY!"

"FOR MEAT," chanted the Berserker and Lancer. Looks like Charisma (B) kicked in. "FOR VICTORY!"

"For victory…" followed the other Servants, getting into the war cry. "For Meat! For Victory!"

They all charged for Fafnir, leaving behind the two humans in the dust.

Ritsuka turned to face his boss. "Do you think they'll win, Director?"

SLAP!

"You hit me again!" Ritsuka stumbled back, then rubbed his cheek. "Not even my own father hit me!"

"No wonder then, that you're so spineless. My father-" She bit back those words. "What I mean to say is, NEVER doubt your Servant. Saber or Sader, whatever you named that monstrosity, is your sword, the tool which you will use to carve out your destiny with."

"But I don't want to use her like a tool," mumbled Ritsuka. "I think…Sader and I, we can be friends."

And though she was probably too busy beating the shit out of Fafnir along with her comrades to care for what he had to say at the moment, Ritsuka silently wished for Sader's survival and victory.


[a/n]: This one's a two-parter, because I underestimated how much actually goes down in these scenarios. What, you thought I wouldn't get past Fuyuki? Hahahahahaha.