Chapter 3: Jeanne-On Dragoon 2: DrakenJeanne

"It's been too long, imposter."

Jeanne of the Light raised her flag staff's tip towards the evil Ruler, who descended upon the party atop the dragon Fafnir.

"Well, well, if it isn't the stupid holy virgin," sneered Dark Jeanne. "So what's it like being surrounded by a bunch of fucking idiots?"

"Wow, rude," replied Jeanne, unfazed. "I see you still keep a sharp tongue even when cornered."

"Cornered?" Dark Jeanne flipped her short hair, dangerously risking her cape falling off. "You all brought yourselves to an early grave. I'm the one with the fucking dragon!"

Fafnir spat out another Baja-Blast colored fireball, forcing Lancer, Berserker, and Rider to scatter. Jeanne stood her ground, no-selling the flames with her flag coolly. "And I've brought a dragonslayer. Two of them. Face it, I'm the one with a revenge plot and you're just throwing a delusional tantrum."

Dark Jeanne cackled like a maniac. "A delusional tantum?! You call my fucking campaign against this shit-for-brains country a DELUSIONAL TANTRUM?! France was a mistake! It has no right to exist!"

"Says who? I bet you don't remember-" Jeanne quickly called upon the Grail's knowledge of modern lingo bestowed on her for something relevant. "-Joan!"

"Joan?" The dark Ruler frowned. "What kind of shit are you- who the hell is Joan?"

Gotcha. Jeanne grinned. "Joan Mama."

It took exactly three seconds for the words to reveal their meaning to the vengeful Jeanne. "YOU BITCH," she exploded. "I NEVER HAD A MOTHER! THE ONLY PARENTAL FIGURE I HAD IN MY LIFE WHO GAVE A SHIT WAS GILLES!"

She let out an ear-piercing scream of rage, invigorating Fafnir. But the echo didn't stop- Dark Jeanne's scream could be heard for miles. It is the cry of despair one makes when getting owned, bidding for others to accompany its misery.

"Hey," pouted Lancer. "I'm the idol around here! Get your own stage!" She then proceeded to harmonize (read: heavy-metal scream) along with the enraged Dragon Witch.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"FUCK OFF! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"Director, Ritsuka, I'm sensing a powerful signal where the Servants have gone," said Da Vinci from comms. "You should head over there and investigate!"

"What, and then die from whatever is going down over there? No way," said Ritsuka. From the corner of his eye he saw the Director readying a slap. Unfortunately he wasn't fast enough to avoid his fate.

SLAP!

"But Director," he whined, "We're only human! We could become deaf or y'know, die, and what then?"

"It may be suicide, but we need that Holy Grail!" Director Animusphere grabbed a protesting Ritsuka by the collar and dragged him towards the fight. "Though if they don't shut up soon, I'm going to stab my eardrums with a fork," added the woman miserably.

Back at the ruins of the French countryside, a new figure showed up to the impromptu sing-off/scream-off concert. He wore robes of magenta and had platinum blonde hair in excessively silly arrangements. With a conductor's baton in one hand and the Holy Grail in another, he smirked at a surprised Georgios.

"But how?" Rider cocked his head. "I do believe you were eaten by a wyvern. Siegfried said so."

"Sumanai," said Sumanai with a sumasigh.

"I would not make such a disgraceful parting so soon, not when Marie has entrusted me with her hope," responded the musical Caster cheerfully. "Besides, I do believe a boss battle is commencing, and every good fight deserves the best musical accompaniment!"

With a wave of his baton, the ear-piercing screams began to gradually shift into something resembling a dollop of autotune, dubstep synth, and a whole lot of fire. Nonsensical pitches fell into set time signatures, and a bassline worth fighting for began to emerge.

It was not a Requiem for Death, but a Synth-ony of Fire.

(Drakengard 3~ Exvulsion/Galgaliel)

[Enemy FAFNIR and DARK JEANNE appears!]

DARK JEANNE: "Your Leader is a tart and your Master smells of salt!"

Opening Hit! Fireball! 500 damage for enemies of FAFNIR and DARK JEANNE.

St. George used Taunt!

"Dragon Witch, I have but one query. How does thine heretical rump and thighs not get severely chafed riding naked upon a dragon? As an experienced Rider, I find it questionable that you are so comfortable in that position."

"Grrrr! What do you know, you don't even have a horse! You Phony Rider!" DARK JEANNE is now in Enraged status. All enemy attacks are now directed at Rider.

Elizabeth Lancer used Sadistic Charisma! Somehow, everyone's ATK stat went up a little.

Jeanne Ruler Brave Chain attacks! 500 damage each to FAFNIR and DARK JEANNE.

Kiyohime Berserker Buster attacks! 1350 damage to FAFNIR. It's super effective!

Sader Saber attacks! It's not very effective…

Enemy FAFNIR and DARK JEANNE attacks! DARK JEANNE used La Grondement Du Haine!

"...pardon my French, but would it not be "Le Grondement De La Haine"?"

St. George was defeated! All allies gained 20 mp and 300 hp.

Enemy FAFNIR and DARK JEANNE take 100 damage from the BGM banger.

Sader Saber used Giga Impact!

Enemy FAFNIR takes 1000 damage. It's…somehow effective?

Sader Saber used Chomp! Enemy FAFNIR takes 100 damage. Recovered 10 mp and 10 hp.

Sader Saber spams Chomp! Is…that allowed? Wasn't there a turn limit? Oh god she's latched onto the dragon tail!

[Warning: Bataille Decisive! Four minutes until FAFNIR deploys Ultimate Attack!]

Preemptive attack! Baja-Blast Flare!

Everyone takes 2000 damage!

Jeanne stepped forward, knowing what she must do.

"Deliver me from my enemies," she prayed, "O mine God, protect me from those who rise up against me. Deliver me from the workers of iniquity, and save me from bloody (wo)men. See how they lie in wait for me. Arise to help me, O Lord, and behold."

The Ruler raised her sword, now aflame. Sumanai raised Balmung. Elizabeth raised her microphone stand. Kiyohime winked at Ritsuka and raised her fan.

And Sader raised her bloody kitchen knife…which then sunk into Fafnir's tailbone. She had already eaten out the rest of the tail, you see.

"YOU FUCKER! GET OFF OF MY FAFNIR!"

Upon seeing such an amazing combination of arms, Director Animusphere shook Ritsuka's shoulders violently. "Go! Make the dragon slayer use his most powerful attack to combo already! I want this over once and for all!"

Ritsuka looked up from his guide to FGO Class Affinities to look at the enlightened party, now under the cover of Jeanne's Noble Phantasm. "But Berserker is super effective on everything….and Sader's still on that dragon!"

"Just do something! Fight fire with fire for all I care!"

"That's...actually not a bad idea."

Master Ritsuka used 2 Command Spells. Berserker Kiyohime's NP meter is now 100% charged. Sumanai's Balmung is now 100% charged.

Deployment: Tenshin Kashou Zanmai: Samadhi through transforming flames!

Deployment: Balmung, Felling of the Sky Demon!

It's Super Duper Effective!

Unfortunately Friendly Fire was not turned off. Berserker Kiyohime was defeated!

Master takes 100% damage to MP stat. Master Fainted! Director Animusphere is now in Disappointed status.

Sumanai used Sumanai! It's not very effective…

OVERKILL VICTORY!

Enemy FAFNIR drops DARK JEANNE (1), DRAGON FANG (3), REVERSE DRAGON SCALE (1). And SADER (1).

Sader gained unholy amounts of Dragon Meat- I mean EXP!

"They did it," laughed the Director, now free of trepidation. "Ha, who would've thought!"

Dark Jeanne curled up into a ball under her charred cloak. She groaned as Jeanne Ruler approached her. "Fuck off," hissed the sour witch. "You won, miss high-and-mighty. Soon I'll be reduced to ashes and then you can claim your fucking sippy cup." She glared into the eyes of the standing Ruler. "Isn't that what you fucking wanted?"

"Yes and no," answered Jeanne fairly. "But I see that even though Gilles may have misplaced his perception of me, I can't just…" She hesitated. "Erase your existence. You lived, you did a lot of crap, you nearly razed our homeland to ashes, and yet you exist. You are a monster, yes, but a monster with heart. I'm not going to take that away from you, even if you deserve it."

"Then what? Are you gonna throw my ashes into the fucking ocean?" The burnt Ruler laughed weakly, coming off more as a cough. "I'm already cremated, might as well go all the way."

"No." Jeanne kneeled down to meet her counterpart's eye level. "My advice for you is to join Chaldea. The world may not have a place for you, but they surely will."

Dark Jeanne idly stared into the distance, where a certain Sader was chowing down the corpse of Fafnir. Her Master laughed, then backed away as the bloodied Servant attempted to hand him a piece of dragon flesh. Well, whatever was left- that dragon had been thoroughly cooked like a rotisserie chicken. Their white-haired leader shook her head at the sight and continued to pester her armband.

"...Bitchin."

She turned her eyes back to the Ruler. "I guess it can't be that bad, going into the fucking looney bin. Sure beats an early trip to eternal damnation." With the last of her dying strength, Dark Jeanne flips the bird.

"Well heck to you too," said Jeanne, sending off her counterpart with a pure smile.


"Oh sweet, look Director! Oh she left. Sader, look! Rainbow ring! Rainbow ring! Woohoo! Finally, a Servant after all this time! You're going to make a new friend!"

The light of the FATE System dimmed to reveal a scantily-clad Servant (read: just a cape and an ornate head…decoration thingamabobber), glaring with golden irises at the absolutely gob-smacked Master.

"Servant, Avenger," declared the woman confidently. "What, you thought you'd seen the last of me? Guess what, fucker- I made a contract! With you!"

Absolute silence.

"Oh for the love of- My eyes are up here, motherfucker!"

"...Master," said Sader in her scratchy voice that uncannily sounded like Louis Armstrong, "I hOPE ShE bROUGhT hER tASTY dRAGOn. T'WoULD bE A WorTHIER aSsET tHaN sHE."

"Not sure how I feel about having an exhibitionist on board," sighed Ritsuka, "But you're right. A dragon would be cool." He turned to the glowering Jeanne Alter. "So, you got a dragon?"

"Heh," scoffed the Avenger, placing a hand to her hip. "I'm the motherfuckin' Dragon Witch. Of course I do. And if I don't, I'll make one out of something."

"Alright, alright, what's going on-" Director Animusphere entered the room, expecting to find yet another pallet of Mapo Tofu or Black Keys to put away. Her eyes went to the places as follows:

Ritsuka and Sader, smiling deviously.

The white-haired nudist standing on the platform of the summoning chamber with an equally lunatic grin.

"What the actual fu–"


–TO BE CONTINUED–


Next time, on This Must Be Fate:

Ritsuka gets the new Servant acclimated to Chaldea, then heads off for the next Singularity. Quality bonding time ensues. Sader…gets jealous? No way! She's the King of Knights, she can't lose to some nudist arsonist! Or a crimson palette swap for that matter! Size doesn't matter!

Episode Four: "When the Roma Sparkles in Septem!"

And don't worry, there will be fanservice next time~!