Interlude: Viewer Discretion is Advised

{Today's minisode of "This Must Be Fate" is written and adapted for a televised medium}

Chaldea Cafeteria: INT

(The footage is grainy, but becomes clearer as the camera focuses on the scene. Tense, ambient music plays. It is a total battlefield of food, drinks, and fire all around the area. SADER is seen maniacally waving around two chicken drumsticks as she confronts JEANNE ALTER, who is holding a baguette and wielding it like a sword.)

[JEANNE ALTER]: "Mind your damn business, you rabid so-called King! This bread is mine and I can do whatever the hell I want with it!"

[SADER]: "tRASH gOES in tHE tRASH CAN. ReLINqUISH ThY BREAD."

[cue laughter track]

[JEANNE ALTER]: HELL NO! Fuck off and let me burn my bread!

(They engage in a food fight, with JEANNE ALTER igniting her baguette blade with the fires of hatred. SADER chews off two big bites of her drumsticks, then throws the bones away to summon EXCALIPOOR. The not-so-holy sword flickers on and off like a degrading flashlight.)

The camera points to a disappointed and resigned RITSUKA, who is trying to eat a caesar salad in peace.

[RITSUKA FUJIMARU] (sarcastically, to the camera): "Best days of my life right here folks. Best days of my life."

[Le Scene Transition + laughter track]

Chaldea Simulator Gate: INT

(The simulation is currently in practice mode, spawning Blazes of Wisdom for JEANNE ALTER and SADER to demolish. The dim forest is alight with fire, giving the dark green canopy a spooky glow. RITSUKA watches in mild amusement while the two Servants collect the embers from the pulverized hands that sprung from the ground.)

[RITSUKA] (thinking as he reads his FGO Guide on a lawn chair): "Finally, we reached the final wave. I don't know how much more I can take from this. If only there was a faster way of clearing these things instead of brute force. I guess Arts and Quick cards exist, huh? And what's this about " NP looping?""

[JEANNE ALTER]: "Oi, hungry bitch! Stop eating the fucking Embers and help me out here!"

[SADER]: (chewing on a Fire of Wisdom hand and unresponsive)

[cue laughter track]

[JEANNE ALTER] (with a grimace): "What the hell?! The hand too?!"

[JEANNE ALTER] (with a scoff, she pulls out her banner): "Whatever. Fafnir! Get your ass over here and incinerate every last one of them!"

[RITSUKA] (sitting up and paying attention): "Oh we're wrapping this up? Finally!"

(There is a mighty wind as an ominous circle of presumably dark magic writes itself on the ground below JEANNE ALTER. SADER backs up, annoyed. RITSUKA watches with great interest. After all, JEANNE ALTER promised to show off her Dragon Witch skill today!)

[JALTER]: "Suck it, SADER! Bet you can't pull shit off like THIS!"

(There is a blinding flash of light….and then nothing, as a lone homunculus boy stands where the light used to be. He looks very confused.)

[cue laughter track as camera pans for reactions (extended)]

[SADER]: (hungry-eyes) "..."

[RITSUKA]: "...that's Fafnir? Wasn't he supposed to be a…y'know, big scary dragon?"

[JALTER] (furiously turning the wheels in her head at a flaming 90 mph): "I can still salvage this!"

[HOMUNCULUS BOY] (to JALTER, innocently): "...Jeanne?"

[JALTER] (thinking, growing redder than fire): "Nope!"

[JALTER]: "This is the howl of a soul filled with hatred…LA GRONDEMENT DU HAINE!"

(The camera feed goes up in flames as JALTER screams in frustration.)

[Hard cut! Boss, are you sure- did we just summon a new character like that? Is that even legal? Wait, cut this out of the screenplay—!]

Chaldea Lounge: INT

(Enter JALTER, H. BOY, RITSUKA, SADER, and DA VINCI.)

[DA VINCI]: "Well aren't you just full of surprises, Avenger! You barge into Chaldea uninvited, you twist the underpants of the Throne of Heroes database, and now you bring a terminal of Fafnir as part of your Saint Graph."

[JALTER] (sitting, legs crossed): "Fuck off. I do as I please." (JALTER slips the bird.)

[cue laughter track]

[RITSUKA]: "No way that's Fafnir. This little fella couldn't hurt a fly unless he was on the end of a fish hook!"

[JALTER]: "You don't know shit!"

[H. BOY]: "...my name is Sieg."

[SADER] (drooling): "hELLO sIEG, I'M hUNGRY."

[JALTER]: "Oh HELL no! Keep your grubby hands away from MY Fafnir!"

[JALTER] (to Sieg, grouchy): "Oi, dragon boy. From now on you are my disciple. Don't fuck up and you'll be safe from that hungry bitch over there. Got it?"

[SIEG] (thinking): "I really want to commit Fate Apocrypha right now…"

[Cue Scene transition and laughter track]

Chaldea Command Room: INT

[DA VINCI] (cheerful): "...and that's about it for this mission's briefing. Granted, I didn't have to say much exposition this time. This Singularity has shown itself to be obnoxiously…ridiculous with its current scenario."

[DIRECTOR ANIMUSPHERE]: "As if that hasn't been the case for the last two missions."

[cue laughter track]

[DA VINCI]: "In any case, you are all free to go! Good luck, and may your heart be the guiding key to find the Holy Grail!"

(Exit DIRECTOR, RITSUKA, JALTER, SIEG, and SADER.)

[DUSTIN]: "C'mon! The Rayshift feed is getting visuals! You too, Sylvia– I know you're a mage, but you don't have to act like you've got a stick up your ass all the time."

[DA VINCI]: "Quiet! The show is starting!"

Rayshifting in 3..2…1…Grand Order, Commencing Operation.

[[Begin Transmission]]

Nero, Nero, Nero, that's a name you should know!

Nero, Nero, Nero, she's the star of the show!

She does more good than harm, she's got maximum charm–

Nero, Nero, Nero's the one!

She comes a-right back at ya! She comes a-right back at ya!

Give her all that you've got, take your very best shot–

She'll send it right back at ya for sure, yeah!

[CUSTOMER SERVICE FLAUROS]: "How can I help you, Queen Boudica?"

[QUEEN BOUDICA]: "I need a Servant to clobber that there Nero!"

[CUSTOMER SERVICE FLAUROS]: "That's what we do best at F.G.O."

[OVERWORKED AND OUT OF PLACE BRITISH MAGE]: "You better get it with a Saint Quartz back guarantee!"

[JAZZY SAXOPHONE SOLO]

Oh, Nero, Nero, Nero, saving the day!

Nero, Nero, Nero, she's here to stay!

Don't be fooled by her size, you won't believe your eyes!

Nero! (Nero!) Nero! (Nero!) Nero! (Nero!) Nero, Nero, Nero's the one!

Right back at ya ~!


[a/n]: Happy Fate Apocrypha rerun. Hahaha, no, Sieg totally wasn't a last-minute addition. Sorry for missing a day, the CEO of Real Life called and said I had to do stuff. But fret not-the Nero Show is about to begin! Isn't it sad, Boudica?