Chapter 4: When the Roma Sparkles in Septem

Once upon a time an artist was tasked with designing a certain author's favorite creation, one that would adopt a certain shade of red as her iconic color. She would be unmatched in popularity, unrivaled in memetic propagation, and become the bane of many a Fate fan's existence. Padoru padoru~!

That is, unless you genuinely like her. There's no shame in that. Just remember who is the superior Saber, and no one will hurt you.

So how did the artist do it? Well, the designer for the original gave her some tips:

"First you draw a Saber."

"Then you give her cat hair bangs."

"Add a great big chest and butt, and presto! It's Nero!"

She slapped on a bold red color to the dress for good measure.

And thus Nero Claudius, the Crimson Emperor, the Red Saber (not to be confused with Saber of Red) was born. When her scenario writer gazed upon her realized figure for the first time in real life, the author only had this to say:

"You are my most favorite creation."

- Sakurai, probably

This is probably how it went, and from then on the rest is history. Umu!

Nero, Nero, Nero, that's a name you should know

Nero, Nero, Nero, she's the star of the show—


[SKIP INTRO]


Nero Claudius was doing Nero things on a sunny Septem morning. Fighting dissidents who claimed her uncle was alive again (preposterous), leading her army to another victory (as usual), showering herself in the praise of the citizens–

"HELP! We're being oppressed by a Queen! What's more, a horrible curse has fallen over the Roman Empire! The Great Emperors of old have returned, but their eyes are clouded with madness! Our emperor has been afflicted as well, so you will have to fight in his stead, strange travelers!"

Oh. That explains a lot, umu! Wait, WHAT?! There is nothing wrong with her, umu!

There, before the glorious Crimson Emperor was a citizen speaking to a strange trio of women and two young men. A shameless nudist cloaked in black, a swordswoman radiating cursed energy, and a woman who seemed to be under a perpetual thundercloud. Alright, not bad. The young man in a white tunic and black pants looked overwhelmed with the request, while the other boy looked apprehensive. Perhaps the azure swordswoman looking rather famished had something to do with it? In any case, what a strange band of individuals.

You start wondering when did your thought process become so flowery all of a sudden. Purple prose is flattering, but still…

"Umu!" Nero waved her hands at the group, grabbing their attention. The citizen gave a salute to her and promptly left. "Umu umu umu!"

Jeanne Alter frowned in mild disgust. "What the hell is that midget saying?"

"Da Vinci, what's this girl saying? I don't speak Italian," sighed Director Animusphere.

Almost immediately, Da Vinci responded. "She's saying, "Wait! I can help you! I know this Empire like the back of my hand, umu!""

Ritsuka knelt down to the tiny Emperor, to the annoyance of Sader. "So you can help us?"

Nero nodded eagerly, presumably understanding Modern English thanks to the power of Imperial Privilege. "Umu!"

Director Animusphere was skeptical. "Seriously?"

"Umu!"

"Alright then," said Ritsuka. "But wait. Who are you, dressed like someone relevant–"

"HUEHUEHUE HUEHUEHUE HUEHUEHUE! MY DEAR SWEET NIECE, I HAVE FINALLY FOUND YOU!"

A tan man with impossible periwinkle hair dressed in golden armor barged into the conversation, scooping up a protesting Nero into his arms. He hugged her tightly, as if family. "My dear sweet niece Nero, it's SO gOOD to SEE YOU AGAIN!"

"Umu," pouted the chibi.

"Interesting," said Da Vinci. "She says this man- err, Servant's name is Caligula. He's her uncle. Which means this little girl is–"

Ritsuka's jaw dropped. "Don't tell me–that's the freaking Emperor Nero? As in, Nero Claudius? The one who fiddled when Rome was burning?"

Director Animusphere was about to pop a vein in frustration. "First of all Fujimaru violins, much less fiddles, weren't invented yet. Second, what the hell is going on here?! Is this some kind of twisted joke?! And third- third, where's that damn Holy Grail?!"

"Holy Grail?" Caligula cocked his head. "Roman Emperors, hosting big game! Challengers fight for the hand of mY Dear, Sweet Niece. Former Emperors challenge suitor! Winner takes my Dear Sweet Niece and golden cup!"

"Yeah, yeah, I see what's going on here," snapped Jeanne Alter, stepping forward. Sieg trailed behind her. "We're not here for the fucking midget. She's worthless compared to the Grail."

"Midget…worthless…my DEAR, SWEET NIECE IS NOT A MIDGET! NOT WORTHLESS!" Caligula roared, and the sky turned dark as night. He hopped onto a convenient cliff as a humongous moon rose out of nowhere. Holding the chibi Nero as if a skull, he posed theatrically.

"Alas, my niece is gorgeous! Roma is gorgeous! The moon too is gorgeous! Behold, disgraceful commoners! Devour my soul, moonlight….FLUCTICULUS DIANA!"

One moment Ritsuka was staring at the moon, the next he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- he- ha- ha- haha- hahaha- hahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhaahhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa̵̡̛͕̪̗͈̬̺͖͎̼͎͂̆͐̽̓̇͑à̵̹̘͍̥͍̝̜͓ä̴͈̓̓̽̀̉̏́́̋͠a̸̛̛̰͎̼̳̖̞͋̊̊͑̅̌̓̕͠a̵̤̒͌̏̎̇͌̎͛͐ą̷̛̥͚͔̘̹͔̳̺͉̳͓̓̎̇̎̾͂̈̾̚͘͠a̶̫͉̠̤̩̮̿̅͆͝a̵͔̲͉̻̱̣̱̘̹̻̩̐͊̽̋̿̄̈́̇̐͗̓̋̑a̶͚̙͚͈̳͍͌̍̂̈́̓̏̈́͒̾̚͝ǎ̵̳̜̿̅̓́͑̀͌̓̋̍͛̊͋ͅa̸̛̻̼͙̮̣͇̔̇̇̿̈́̅̍͒͜͠á̶̫͕̠̩͋̍̀̄̈̐͛͂͛̄̉̚͝a̷̧͇̹̗͇̠͌̇͒͑̿́a̴̘̍̓̊̑ą̷̹̥̼̺̺̫̦̳̆̈̈́̃̕ä̸̛͎̖́̂̐̓̓́͛̍̀̆̒͒̚̚á̸̢̭̭͑́̈́̉̆͘͠ą̶̘̬͕̲̝̲̣̭̺̜̻͋̏̚͠a̶̧̲̭͎̖̩͑͋́̀͒̉̕a̷̧̛̳̞̻̻̪̰̗̺̠̓̇͛̊̍̇͛́̂̉͝͝a̸̮͈̯̩̭̗̭̟̟͍̹̓͗͌̅̍͌́̚̕a̵̧̤̺̠̘̮͙͔͛͐͛̃̆̏̈̈́͑͘͘͠͝͝ͅA̵̛̛̠̺͐̐̈́͒̂͐̾͌̐̈̈́̑͝Ą̵̰̪̺͔̬̪͐̽̍̈́̐̀̃͛̄͝͝Ą̴̛͉͎̼̺̔͛̀͋͋͗̓̈́́̎Ą̵̡̡̼̞̦̲̲̗̠́̇A̵͙̼̲̬̞̝̝̪̝͊͌̈́̉́͐̀̒͘͘̕̕Ã̷̧̨̢̱͉̜̳A̴͈̻̮̙̟͖̪̿́̇̄̐̇͗͆̉̀͆͋̀A̴͍͓̮̻̺͔͈̖̲̭͎̹̯̽̾̿̊̈́̏̿̾̍͋̔̐͊̈͜ͅĂ̸̛̜̥̮͙̓͊̔̈́̀͌̀͂̑̇̉͘͝A̸͚͈̭̮͍̤̖̩͔̘̿͐̈̈́̇̕͠͠Ȁ̴̢̬̙͓̜͉̺̮ͅÃ̸̢̨̢̛̘̤͉̠͎̼͎̠̣̪͛ͅA̴̳̼̝̹̖͂́A̵͎̗̾̌̐͜A̷̢̝̱̞̹̘̝̱̭̪̮̜̤̩̬͋̏̃͠Ă̷͕͚̕̕͝͠ả̴̢̨̯

"Get a hold of yourselves," cried Da Vinci, but it was useless. "Dear lord, they're all being afflicted by the Noble Phantasm!"

First it was Ritsuka, who unceremoniously fell over and started flopping and flailing about like a fish on the ground. Sieg followed suit, coughing up bouts of flame. Then the Director collapsed, rolling on the ground and frothing at the mouth. Jeanne Alter began to laugh maniacally, setting the field on fire without a care. She made outlandish gestures with her hands, setting the plains on fire. "Burn, burn! This fire of mine is burning RED! It glows with an awesome POWER! Its hatred tells me to INCINERATE YOU! ROARING…HOWL OF HATRED! GO, GO, GO! GOOOOOOOO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I̸͚̮͔̍͜ ̶͍̹̮̜͌̂͠a̷̹̠̿̊̉m̵͖͝ ̴̨̠̪̜͕́̃̌t̸̡̜͇̰͖̋̌̑͝h̸̼͖̘͉̑͝͝ę̸͖́̿̒͋ ̵̱̼̼͕͂͆̽͒b̶͇͕̝̠͒́̏o̴͇͎͊̒̉̌̐n̴̬̘̽̓̊e̵̘̒͛ ̷͈̻̱̬̑͆͌͗͗ơ̵̡͒͋̽̚͜f̶͇̽̊ ̵̲̰͂͆̆̔͒m̶̬̩̥͋ÿ̵̨̛̘́͗̄̕ ̶̢͔͙̟͂́͘h̶̨̃̿͌̆̚ỵ̴̢̧͙̏̔̀̋p̸̼̬̜̅͝ȅ̶̡͎̯̫͍̾̎͐̚.̶̲̱̰̪͠ ̷̹͓̞͔͉̑̌̃̈́͠Ṳ̴̧̹͍̋́f̴̣͖̟͖̃͌̓͜o̶̡̧̠̖͒t̶̮̮̀̌a̶̞͋͑b̷̩͇̦̼̜̐ļ̴̱̊̀̍͊͘e̴̜͎̋͛ ̶̨̧̖̠͉̋̈́͊͠i̶̮̤͗s̸̭̘̼̼͋͗ͅ ̵̣͈̇̔̏m̵̼͓̞̲̋y̴̱̓͛͘ ̵̪̏̑͆͂͘b̴̖͎́̒́o̵̻̥͉͙̾̉̄͒ḏ̷̌̌̕ẏ̵̙͕̗̮,̷̫̅̋̄̒͊ ̸͙̜̉͊͐K̸̰͇͍̎̆̓ä̵̪̔l̷̨̔̄͘͝ą̵̼̣̻̞͑͛̀̔f̶̂̾̚͝ͅǐ̸̛̯͑̓̏n̵̛͍̄̏̈́͘a̵̠̫͂̀͑ ̴̲́̃̈̕ì̴̝̔̂̋́s̸̠̬͇̯̿̈͆̽̐ ̸͔̠̗̿̉m̴͙̄͐͒͋͜y̶̰̺̓̾̍̕͘ ̵̳̥̩̯̗̀͂̐͂b̸̝̳̹̭̍̀ḻ̷̊͌͜ơ̴͎̩̖͉̳o̵̫͎͔͍̜̓͊d̵̡̳̊̆͘.̷̡̙̰̘̦͌̋̓̒͘ ̷̡̮͖͎̈̽̄I̷̘̳̖͘ ̴̡̱͚̳̺̀h̴̡͎̭̘̣̑̌͝͝ầ̶̦͓͠v̵͇̗̬̅͘͜e̶̙̪̞̹̞͒ ̶̺̰͖̬̑̌̑̿͠c̷̨̢̫͍̽̍r̸͓̟̬̣̞̊́͘e̶̲̹̺̱̻̊̍̀̎a̷̛̻̟̒̔͆̿t̸̝͖̺͐ė̴͓̟̜̻̓d̵̥̓͝ ̵̢̢͖̫͎̓̅o̵̖͍̍̌v̸̢̹̦̪̜͊̑̓̓e̴̱͈͎̞̋̍̇̑r̶̘͛͗͂͆̂ ̸̢̫̯͐͘a̷̘͍̜͉̎͆̌͋͝ ̴̢̛̞̱͉̯̄̈́t̷͚̯̠̅̿͆h̸̩͎̣̍͆̿̍̍o̵̢̜̗̔̆u̵̼͎̣͗̐̑̀s̵͚̗͖͊̾̋̐̔a̴̮̗̳̋̃͐̑n̴͎̰̘̘̳̉̓̾͘͝d̵̢̨͔͕́̿̐̏͑ ̴̻͑̅f̸̤̜͕̾a̷̢̱͛̈̆̎͠n̵͈̲̘̠͔̍̃̃̌g̴͇͎̮̠͖̏ȁ̴̭̓̃̊͝s̵̖̈́̈́m̷̟̤͖͖̌͝s̵̛͖̀̃͂͗ ̶̬̖͌͝U̶̫̚n̴̙͓̣͚̮͛̄̀̊̌k̸̛̙͔̈́͐͌ǹ̸̨̽̚͝͝o̷̢̗͌̐̾̈w̵̯̳̺̅́̆̈́n̸̠͍̠̑ ̷̢̛̮̰̰̈͊̊͛t̵̲̳̔o̶͍͍̣̿͝ ̶͙͖́͌̌̿Ḑ̴̰̥̟̣̀̆̎ę̴̙̼̬̲̂͑͘e̶̼͉̮̔̈̅n̶̤͈̣̒́͆̔,̶͈͎́́̑̊͝ ̷͎͍͖́͗̌̕͝n̸̦̽̿̏õ̵̝̉r̴̬̬͎̰̼̍ ̴͈͆k̵̨͙͇̍̂̓ń̶̨̗̞͕ͅo̴̰̙͙̹̍̒ẃ̷͙͚͊͊̀͐n̴̛͍̅̄ ̴̝̟͉̗̋͑t̸̨̺̜̂̿͛̄̊ơ̶͚̫̋͆͌̕ ̴̖̈́͊͛̕͠ͅb̷͔͖̬͆̎̉͗ų̸̼̻̒͂d̸̺̲̪̍̊̿͠ǵ̸̨̫͗̉͒e̴̜̯̼̤͐t̴̟̩̀̍̀.̷̛͚͚̜̅̀͜ ̸͓̘̯̝̠̃̎̔̀͠H̷̬͘ͅa̸̙̰͈̐v̷̹̪̽̐ͅḛ̵̭̯̉́ ̴̰͉͈͓̙̅ẉ̴͙̭̓͛i̶̬̺͛̽̓͝t̶̠͊͂ͅh̶̡̙̣̱̑ŝ̴̨̢̲̪̗̏̓̽t̶̛͚̞̔̃̿͜͠o̵̢̨̲̫̹̓̕o̷͚̖̙͐̆̓̆̑d̵̹͆̂͋̔ ̴͓̼̭͚̗̌͝y̵̛͉̦̪̽è̴̥a̷̳̱̐̈́̎ŗ̶̌͝͝s̵̪͖̜̬͒͘͜͝ ̵̨̇̋͛̋͠t̴̖͉̱̟̕͝ͅo̶̖̱͑ ̵͕͚̦̟̉̀͠ͅh̵̢̍͒y̴̡̛̦͂̾̅͝ͅṕ̴̮͍̘́͆͑ě̵̮͜ ̴̠͋̍́͝ṃ̸̢͇̈̇ã̴̤̎̌̌n̷̡̮̲̫̑̀͗͜y̶̹̩̭͆̈́̎͠ ̵͕͙͚̼̪́̈e̴̢͍̝̤̐͘͠p̷̗̩̘͇̭͋i̷̛̞̱̫̖̽̽̏s̵̨̻̻͊̒̇̈́͒o̸͓̭̙̯̽d̸͍̒̈e̸͈̯̯̱̿s̴̩̈͊̓͝.̷̢̟̂̀͋̓ ̴̧̝͖͋͑̓̚̚Ý̸̺͖̞̲̀ḛ̵̭̮́ţ̶̠͚̦̈́͗ͅ ̵̢̤̤͙̯͑͠t̶͙̓͛̀̉h̶̼̃e̵̟̥͈̞̙̊͒ ̷̪̖̪̽̑͊F̴̟̈́̎͂̕͘a̶̡̡̺̳̅̽͠t̷̲̬̬͖̀̌e̵͚̘̓̒͆̓͠ ̶̪͍͈̼̪͆́͘͝ř̶̺̥͂̎̌͐ô̷͉̰̺̆̓̆ú̸̫͈̰̤̐͂̀̚ṯ̶̍̉́͛̚ë̷̱́̋͘ ̴̟́n̶̰̞̺̋ͅé̸̺͉̫͙͋̓̀̇v̴̧̖͌͛̾͝ḛ̵̉́͠͝͝ŕ̸̬̳̝̳̃̈́͊ ̵̘͂̄w̶̨̝̪̃̄̈ĭ̵̧̮̝̟͍l̴̳̠̯̗̖̔l̸̳̿͑͑͑̚ ̸͍́̓̂̃b̶͈̓̒̈́̄̇e̷̡̟͑̿̃̆̕ ̵̮̽̈́̋͛a̶̝̤͌͑͝d̴̙̀͌́̑a̷̝̩̭͕͗́͌p̶͈̤̼͚͘t̴̳͈̦̉͆ę̸̨̲̎͛̿̈̈͜ď̶̫̜̅̀̀͠.̸̮͔͎͚͙͐̆̄ ̷̝̝̠̘̀͛͛̀͛S̷̩̲͎̫̫͂̀o̷̜̗̥̯̔̍ ̵͍̺̩̱̝̄̀̍̑͠a̴͈͍̖̝̔̄̑s̸͖͉̞͙̿̑ͅ ̴̘͆I̷̩̺͖͛ ̵̞̇́̋p̶̞̻̗̍r̶̫̝̗͚̻͆͝a̸̢̝̩̮̓y̵̘̩̦͎̿,̶̠̥̜̾͗͂͑ ̵͙͈̮͌͑͋̇U̴̩̙͆̌̈́n̸͚͍̪̓̌̈̑͝l̴̡͙͚̰̾͑̅i̵̯̱̽͋͝m̵̛̞̪̱̺͗̈̍͝i̷̘̼͚͐̅͂ţ̶̫̖͍̖̍ȩ̸̎͂̕̕͠d̵͖̘͋̚.̴͉͓̬͊̀̄̓̋ ̶̲͕̞͔̉̕H̵̨͇̒͑͆y̷͉̙̦͋͒͜ͅp̸͎̐̔̊͗̓e̴̺͖̼͎̐.̵̹̮̳̞́̇̓̽ ̸̩̊̀͒̓W̸̠͓̞̥͈̐̊̆͆͘ö̷̼̭͇̩̫̈́͐r̴͍̎̓̎̕̚k̶̢̛̭̮͒̕s̸̟̩͖͎͓͐.̸̮̭̝̟͙̽͋"

Sader stood still, watching the makeshift rendition of the Harlem Shake featuring pyrotechnics. For some reason, she could think clearly now. Well, more than before. All the power she had been amassing from consuming calories was starting to take its toll on her nature.

If she allowed this madness to continue any further, then Jeanne Alter would reduce everyone to cinders before the moonlight madness wore off. If it wore off, that Berserker wasn't stopping his theatrics anytime soon. More importantly, Ritsuka was going to die and that meant no more food or fun times. It was unfortunate, but Sader was going to have to go all out in the only way she could.

"I activate my Authority," said Sader calmly as an invisible aura manifested around her. She raised her balloon sword high, its latex tip reflecting the moonlight. The wind around her exploded into a bass-boosted sonic boom, spreading its influence to her comrades and beyond.

In Chaldea, Da Vinci pulled up Sader's profile. "Huh. Her Charisma stat changed. But why is her profile set in Mandarin Chinese?" The Caster sighed. "I only have Google Translate available."

[邪神的魅力 : Rank B. ]

[The power to affect many people. The testimonial claims that the evil god SADER radiates an aura that "heals the mind and calms the mind".]

Da Vinci squinted at the results. Looks like the public majority was correct: Google Translate cannot be trusted. "Huh? There's no way that can be right!"

Lo and behold, the moon disappeared to reveal the afternoon sky. Caligula blinked in confusion over what just happened. Diana had left him, and with her disappearance so too did his madness recede.

"Umu," said Nero quietly. "Umu umu."

"My apologies, niece. You are free now." Caligula tenderly set her down, and she scuttled away to the Chaldeans. The not-so berserk Berserker fled, having the sense to leave after seeing how charred the ground beneath him was left.

Ritsuka sat up, rubbing his head. "Ugh," he groaned. "I felt like I partied too hard." He sniffed the smoky air and was quickly overcome with nausea. He made a face resembling a disgusted fish. "DEAAUUHH!"

Sieg coughed out a small fireball and shook his head. Jeanne Alter looked at him with one eyebrow raised, then stood in front of him protectively. "Fucking hell- what's with you this time, rabid Saber?"

Sader was on all fours again, trying to nose her way through the Avenger's legs to get to Sieg. She tried to bite the legs, but Jeanne Alter simply kicked Sader away every time. But the hungry Saber was persistent. "Do NOT BloCK tHE mEAT," she growled. "dO NOT bLOCK tHE mEAAT!"

Jeanne Alter rolled her eyes, making a finger gun and igniting her index finger. "Oi, Ritsuka! Get your nasty-ass Saber on a leash, will ya?! Or I'll teach her a lesson she won't forget!"

Sader bared her teeth at the Avenger, then settled for gnawing on her legs. "Sader, please," beseeched Ritsuka. "We don't have time for this. If you leave her alone, I'll give you something better!" He pulled out a strip of leftover jerky from his pocket, bracing himself for impact.

Sader immediately turned around and pounced on Ritsuka, snatching the dried meat snack. She immediately tore off the plastic wrapping with her teeth and began to chew it down vigorously. Sieg, knowing his life was just spared, sighed in relief. But at the same time, did he really want to be here? The world may never know.

"I…really…want nothing more," began Director Animusphere with gritted teeth, "Than some FUCKING PEACE OF MIND!" She then proceeded to grip her hair with frightening aggression, seething and definitely malding. She launched a raw, skyward scream. "RAAAAAAAAUGH!"

Maybe she was still under the moon's blessing?

"Umu, umu umu! Umu!" The chibi Nero raised her red toothpick of a sword, its tip gleaming with the Septem sunlight. She hopped onto Sader, resembling a Rider upon her (questionably) trusty steed.

"Translation," said an amused Da Vinci. "Onward, Roman Soldiers! Today, we charge for Rome!"


[CCCUT!]


Nero, Nero, Nero, saving the day! Nero, Nero, Nero, she's here to stay.

Don't be fooled by her size, you won't believe your eyes!

Nero! (Nero!) Nero! (Nero!) Nero! (Nero!) Nero, Nero, Nero's the oOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

Right back at ya~!


[a/n]: Septem is a joke and should be treated as such. Heh. Also, know your Sader lore.