Chapter 5: The Not-So Great Gaul Offensive

"So let me get this straight," said Ritsuka as he held out a worn map of what had to be the Roman Empire in the 1st century, "We are down here, and Rome is up there. Wasn't Italy supposed to look like a boot?"

"You're holding it wrong," complained the Director. She promptly snatched the worn parchment and flipped the map.

Ritsuka gave himself a hot second to look at it. "Okay so we're actually UP here, and Rome is down there, and I'm still lost. Can't we just ask Da Vinci for the fastest route to Rome?"

"Umu," said Nero from atop the Director's head.

"Fujimaru, we don't have good service in this area," snapped Director Animusphere, pulling down the chibi emperor from her place. "And I'm fairly confident in our ability to travel in one direction."

"R-right…" Ritsuka scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Rome is just south of here. No biggie, haha. We're gonna be up all night walking, haha."

Meanwhile, Sader was busy wrangling Sieg like a chew toy as Jalter torched the shrubbery in an attempt to box her in. They ran across the dry plains, leaving dust and flames in their wake. The feral Saber swerved left and right as the scorned Avenger fired mercilessly from her finger guns like a demented cowgirl.

"GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE! HE'S MINE!"

Sader simply growled and continued to run like a lion with a very dead-inside Sieg. He had long given up on yelling, accepting his fate. Life is pain indeed.

The Director watched the spectacle, feeling her anger levels reach 300% Overcharge. "HEY, CUT IT OUT!"

Ritsuka gave a whistle, and Sader zoomed to his feet at an instant. Jalter arrived not long after, hands on her knees as she exhaled long, frustrated breaths. "Get, your fucking mouth, off of MY Fafnir!"

"My name is Sieg," mumbled Sieg miserably as he was thoroughly mogu-mogu'd by Sader. Come to think of it, this felt familiar. For some reason his tailbone ached, like someone had taken a big bite out of it.

"Umu!" Nero scuttled to the hungry Sader, hopping back onto her head. Using the ahoge as a joystick, Nero piloted Sader to release a rather baffled Sieg. Jalter quickly snatched him up and glared at the oblivious Sader.

"Thank you, uh….Nero." Ritsuka snorted in disbelief. "I may never get used to that."

"...s approa…you!" The comms bracelet on the Director gave a harsh crackle and cut off. Nero and Sader grew tense and Jalter grinned in anticipation.

A couple of burly, muscled men and a red-haired woman approached them menacingly circling the group. Ritsuka could almost see the purple SFX marks radiating off of them!

Wait, scratch that. One of the men was a horse.

"Spartacus Spartacus," said the human one with ashen skin and a great big smile befitting a toothpaste commercial.

The horse gave a neigh. "My Lady, it appears that one of those Romans is here. Oh, but she looks like a delicious apple! Though I do wish she was a carrot."

But the ginger woman caused Ritsuka to do a double-take. He rubbed his eyes, still unsure of what he was supposed to be looking at. She commanded a powerful presence, true, and her own mighty steed was a mahogany man-horse fit in Chinese armor. But the woman herself…well, if Ritsuka had a nickel for every scantily-clad angry woman in black he had to fight against, he'd have two nickels. Which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

"M-ma'am," stammered the Master, unsure of where to begin. "Why are you dressed like a medieval stripper? And why does your horse have arms?"

"I could ask why you would ally yourself with that unforgivable Roman Emperor," she seethed with glowing golden eyes and dark sclera. "Hand her over and you will be allowed to pass Gaul."

"Umu! Umu!" Nero looked at the woman with rejection, gripping Sader's ahoge firmly. Sader frowned, looking comical with her fish-eyes staring upwards at the crimson pipsqueak.

"Give her the midget, Ritsuka," said Jalter. "We don't fucking want her." For once, Sader nodded in agreement with the Avenger.

The Director groaned. "Don't move, Fujimaru. We're not giving her away. Did you forget she's our ticket to the Holy Grail? If we pawn off Nero to these barbarians, there's no reason to go to Rome!"

Ritsuka looked at Sieg, who simply shrugged. The Master weighed his options, giving one last look to the pleading, emerald eyes of the chibi emperor sparkling with tears. Damnit, don't look at me like that. Ritsuka furrowed his eyebrows. You make me feel pity!

[Give her the Umu.]

[Do not give her the Umu]


COMMERCIAL BREAK


Oh, look! A visual novel choice segment! Surely this means you can choose how this will end, right?

Hahahahahahahahaha NO. This isn't even the right format to support such a thing. If I wanted to make a visual novel, I would have gone to renpy or itchio! And I would have taken some coding classes while I'm at it!

Oh and another thing. Did you actually think you had free will? Nobody does. Not even me. The Sixth has me trapped in this narrative bubble for her own entertainment please help me–


NOW BACK TO YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION


"You can have her," said Ritsuka as he activated his brain cells, "So long as we get a free ride to Rome. She'll be our payment."

"Umu!" Nero looked supremely disappointed.

Boudica grinned maliciously. "Good choice. We were just about to head to Rome ourselves."

"Awesome. So…do you have a chariot or something we can use to tag along or–" Ritsuka was suddenly scooped up by the ashen man, still wearing his million-dollar smile. Sader, sensing a threat, leaped onto the Berserker's head and began to bite the top.

"SpartacusSpartacusSpartacus!" The rebel laughed merrily, unaware that Sader was actually breaking skin and eating his hair. He started to bleed a little, but he didn't seem to mind. Talk about being thick-headed.

"Unhand me at once you fiend!" Director Animusphere squirmed and resisted being picked up, but it was futile. She crossed her arms and glared at the world below as Spartacus tucked her beneath his arm, right below Ritsuka.

"Nuh-uh. Fuck off," warned Jeanne Alter as the centaur approached her. "I've got my own mode of transport."

"Oh really? I see nothing but a mere boy," said the Rider, doubtful of the nudist. "But if you want to follow along without assistance then fine by me."

"Tch," scoffed Jeanne Alter. "I can smell the flames of anger coming from you. You're just like me, aren't you? But I'm better. You may have that crazy-ass horse, but I got a badass dragon." She pulled Sieg over, who started to panic. "W-wait! I'm not even charged enough to pull off my Noble Phantasm! You've got to be kidding me–!"

"Y-yeah," agreed Ritsuka. "He isn't Fafnir or whatever! Give him a break–"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Jalter threw her head back, letting gravity and the wind rustle her pale hair in a fabulous night breeze. In those scant seconds that flew by with the speed of molasses, she opened her golden eyes (sparkles included) and gripped Sieg firmly with both hands so that he was directly facing her. He fidgeted in her grip, but couldn't escape. Jeanne Alter lowered her head and…

*SMOOOOOOOOOCH*

Jeanne Alter's sultry lips crashed against the (un)fortunate homunculus boy's mouth. Her tongue crossed the bridge between her own mouth and Sieg's, causing his crimson eyes to shoot wide open. His poor homunculus brain, though it could freely access the Greater Grail for knowledge on the subject, could only short-circuit with the overwhelming influx of emotional instability from the impact.

The Director jerked her head away from such a scandalous public display of affection while Ritsuka could only watch in sheer awe and morbid curiosity. "Uhh…Director….is that what you meant when you said I had to mana transfer with Sader at some point…?"

"No comment," mumbled the disgusted Director. Why were they taking so long?! The wait for this grotesque display of affection to be over was unbearable!

With an audible pop, the Avenger finally extricated herself from the kiss. She smiled deviously at Sieg, who was still trying to process what just happened as he lay on the ground gobsmacked. "Was that enough mana for you, dragon boy?"

"Awawawawaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…" Is this real life? Or was this just a Greater Grail-fueled fantasy? He was caught in a mental landslide, no escape from insanity. "It's enough….I'm going to…overflow…"

Sieg peaced out as his form was enveloped with light and the surrounding area exploded with radiance. When the night sky was finally visible again, an enormous black dragon had taken the boy's place. Jeanne Alter pumped a fist in the air. "ALRIGHT! Now that's what I'm talking about!" She shot a smirk at the Queen on horseback, who gave a small nod of respect. "Hmph."


"Halt, travelers. To pass to Rome you must pay the toll," said a rotund man dressed in crimson. He stood inside a toll booth that appeared to be straining to contain him. "Or else I'm going to have to exclude you from the Roman Turnpike. No money, no passage!"

"See yuh, suckers!" Jeanne Alter's voice trailed off as she sped through the sky on Fafnir. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahahahaha!"

Ritsuka waved her off. Good grief. Does she even know where Rome is?

"Umu!" Nero looked VERY disappointed from her place on Sader's ahoge. Sader, on her part, was gnawing on the metal part of Spartacu's head armor. "Umu umu? Umu umu umu!"

"Translation– wait, are you serious?" Da Vinci peered at her visuals. "I'm getting Servant signals, but this is just sad."

"Never mind that," snapped the Director. "What's she saying?"

"She's asking why "The Great Caesar" is here, working on collecting money by tolls. Frankly I'm curious too. This is hardly the place for a Roman Emperor to be."

"A ROMAN, you say?" The Iceni Queen's gaze grew furious. "ROMANS MUST DIE!"

"SpartacusSpartacusSPARTACUS!" (Translator's note: "TOLLS ARE OPPRESSION.")

"Wait, we need to employ talk-no-jutsu first–" Ritsuka tried to speak up, but was drowned by the cries of hatred for Roma. Both he and the director were roughly jostled as Spartacus used his free arm to batter the toll boI booth.

"Know that you were defeated by Queen Boudica of the Iceni," sneered the vengeful woman as she lowered her sword at the helpless Emperor, his toll booth perforated by sword thrusts and spikes. If anyone bothered to count, there may have been at least 23 stabs. Caesar cleared his throat, knowing death was in the form of this bodacious woman in front of him. "I know not who you are, nor how you came to defeat me, but may I just say…"

He gave the woman his most charming smile (Bishounen sparkles included). "Hey."

BONK!

"SpartacusSpartacusSpartacusSPAR-TA-CUS!" (Translation: "A TOLL TYRANT CHARMING WOMEN IS OPPRESSION.") The Berserker gave a triumphant grin as the not-so great Caesar vanished into golden sparkles.

"Great! No fees. No Romans," said an exasperated Director Animusphere. "Now let's get going already!"

Under the moon that appeared once more in the night sky, the group set off for the city that was just on the horizon. Though…isn't it too bright? Electricity definitely wasn't invented yet, so why was Rome so bright and lively?

"Fujimaru…you idiot…" Director Animusphere slammed a free hand to her forehead. "Your Avenger is torching the city!"

"Huh, she found Rome. I guess all roads really do lead to it," said Ritsuka. "Wait, she's what?!"

Sader raised her head up from munching on Spartacus's brains. "Maaasterr….Umu is esCApInG…"

"Fear not, child of Britain," assured Queen Boudica. She held up a fist that was tightly clenching a panicking Nero chibi like a stress ball. "I have her right where I want her." She held the struggling Emperor close to her face, both of them looking at Rome. "Do you see it, you incorrigible girl? Your beloved Rome, up in flames. Isn't it sad, Nero? This is nothing compared to what you have done to me."

"Umu…"

"But even I cannot stand innocents being slaughtered," continued the Queen with a happier tone. "I will be taking this city, not destroying it."

"Hold on," said the Director, frowning. "If you are not the Queen occupying Rome like that other Ro- other Emperor said, then who is?"

Boudica's horse gave a neigh. "I know this one!" He pointed towards the sky, where Jeanne Alter and Fafnir were flying. They seemed to be dodging projectiles in the sky, since their flight pattern was fast and irregular.

"That's the work of the Palmyran Empress, Zenobia!"


TO BE CONTINUED


[a/n]: Septem, more like a septic tank! Jokes aside, a wise person once said this was a singularity of final bosses. It really is and it was a pain in the butt to write this arc. But I think I planned it out enough to not waste more time. RIP Caesar, it was the Ides of March too. Isn't it sad, ROMA?