Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210.


Chapter Ten

When she and I had finally released it all, had mourned for the loss of that innocent perfect love I felt weary. She did as well. We were quiet a long time after that. The shaking and squeezing had stopped, the chanting and tears now exhausted, but what was left were two people standing there breathing the other in borrowing strength. Gently holding each other, fearful that any movement might tip the other off to the fact that we were completely in each other's space. The only place that we both longed to be.

She eventually whispers into my shirt, "I remember this. I thought I had made it up, remembered it wrong but I remember this. I remember what it felt like to hold each other without lies and deception between us. I thought when I got back from Paris that I was imagining it. I even asked her because it felt off- I thought something had happened over the summer that there had been someone. Even after you told me there had, anytime since we've broken up that we'd kiss or been close it felt off. I kept thinking it was my memory or maybe we'd grown up, grown apart. There's nothing in between us now right? It doesn't feel like there is but I don't trust myself with you anymore to know."

I lift my head that is buried in her hair with a kiss as I move it slightly up, giving my lips room to respond. "There is stuff not about after the shuttle left it's not a betrayal by me but there is something you should know about that meeting. I don't think though now is the time. I don't want to add more to you." She nods whether because she has connected it to her father or because it's not a betrayal by me, either way she accepts that it's not the right time and doesn't push.

When I feel the wind pick up slightly I feel it rush through her, she is still too thin and she isn't wearing a jacket. "I feel like I haven't held you properly in nearly a year. I don't want to stop I've missed you, I've missed us, I've missed feeling you, but you're cold. Can I take you home to my house?"

"No not there. I don't want the images. The earring, my imagination deciding how that earring got there. The couch at Christmas. The secret visits. I don't want them in my head again, they are finally quiet."

"Your house, do they know?"

"No." I kiss her forehead my dad was right she is still protecting me, us, there is still hope.

"I can't hold you like this there though, and I'm not capable of letting you go. My father's suite I have a room there…"

"Jack, he knows everything?"

"He's been coming over every day to make sure you are okay, make sure I'm okay. He's been a pretty incredible Dad."

"You sound nervous."

"He wants the Trust closed, Iris is on her way."

"Are you fearful he wants the money?"

"I'm concerned that it will be too tempting for him."

"Keeping the Trust?"

"It's not sustainable. You've kept them in the dark, Jackie will tell your mum. I can't see them ever being open to us again. Would you be okay with that-"

At that she pulls her head back off my chest, "Dylan I'm not there, not even close. I feel like a drained bath I don't know if that sadness is going to fill me back up again. You've always been… you know me. I need that guy who took me to get my hair done, who would call me when we were broken up to tell me of a thunderstorm, I need my friend Dylan because…"

"I remember it's not the same different pains different hurts but that sophomore summer I was struggling so much I needed you. Even with you having broken up with me, even with that overwhelming pain I needed you to help make it manageable." The wind runs through her again. "Come on your cold. Are you okay if I take you to Jack's the Bel Age?" Her yes is soft but not hesitant.

Letting her go is difficult I don't know if I'll get to hold her again, if she'll let me. I hold her hand as much as possible as I drive us to the hotel and put it down to rest on my thigh when I need to make gear changes. She doesn't move it. Being lost for so long we obviously both need the anchor point.

Walking along the familiar halls I know she is remembering our time here. I lived here, I've had other girls here but like everything else I share with her once we've had it together it's reclaimed, christened as ours. The Bel Age will always be ours.

I use my card to get in and am unsurprised to see my Dad look up from his seat where he is reading papers and talking on the phone. He's always here these day's, either here or visiting me. I think being confined for nearly two years he's not wiling to explore much beyond the hotel. As I walk in he follows my hand being clasped with a smaller one and see's Bren emerge from behind me. His whole face lights up, and he is hanging up the phone immediately with a simple "my family's just walked in I got to go." Not my son but my family. Yep like my mother my father was under Bren's spell.

He's welcoming us with a quick one arm hug for me but when he goes to hug Brenda he touches her arms. "Oh Sweetheart you're freezing. Dylan get your girl a jumper from your room or mine." I quickly but reluctantly move knowing she's cold but hating to feel her skin stop touching mine. When I get back he's moved them to the couch with Bren in the middle and him on the end. I know he guided her there I know he's giving me space to move sit behind her.

She's wrapped up in one of my jackets quickly and I pull her gently back against my chest. My Dad who has been analysing her with his eyes in my absence moves on to me. We may look presentable but there was nothing we could do to hide the bloodshot eyes of people who had been crying for too long. "Why don't I order us up some coffee and fries, Dylan's favourite ones in the city."

"Does Henry still work here? I remember eating them at the condo because Henry sent them over."

"Yeah Henry is still here. I'm sure he'd love to meet you. I've kept a suite here or used to for over a decade, he's been here all that time and well when Dylan and I weren't getting along-"

"When you kicked out your fourteen year old son?" I bite my lip to stop from laughing, she is always a straight shooter. My Dad is not phased at all and his eyes sparkle a little more as he gives me a subtle look. I can hear his voice in my head, she's defending you still this is a good sign.

"Yeah that time when my parenting skills were completely lacking." She tilts her head silently, "okay none existent. Henry took care of him a lot kept me informed of the bill but also how he was going. A fourteen year old with twenty-four room service for a year, the fries he ate. I swear I'd have been worried by the volume but I assumed with his Irish heritage he could survive it."

"I didn't eat that muc-"

"Dylan in over two year's of nearly two meals together a day don't pretend you have a healthy diet. You haven't found a fried food you don't like." I kiss her head.

"I eat vegetables and salad-"

"At my house. I've never seen you order one yourself."

By Dad laughs and then goes into how fussy I was as a kid. How I hated vegetables. I'd be holding my ground from my dining room chair sneering at my Nanny most nights when he'd walk in. Seemingly I was a stubborn eater unless he was there, then I'd copy him. I was his little shadow from the moment I could walk. If Dad did it I needed to do it.

He tells Bren more stories over our coffees and fries, she rests against my chest the whole time. It's the most solid and stable I've felt in nearly a year.

When I exit the ensuite in my room I hear them talking from my position in the hallway.

"What does it say about us that we hurt each other so badly but still need the other person to make it better? Jack how can this between us even be healthy?"

"You should of seen me at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, twenty-one, thirty. You'd see the difference at every age, I can even point out where I lost my way and became someone I never wanted to be. To go through those changes with someone is going to be hard, you are going to change and at different paces. You'll have to have patience and not move to far ahead, wait for him to catch up and other times he'll have to do the same for you. You'll change so much from those sixteen year olds who fell in love. Look at Dylan from sixteen to now. My son has gone through a roller coaster of change moving two steps forward and then four steps back at times. Brenda what hasn't changed in those years while he's moved and you've moved is the fact you love each other."

"But Jack this isn't us getting a new wardrobe or discovering a new hobby- unless cheating is going to be that for the both of us, we've both done it. The lying, the ability to lie to my face, to lie to me for months that is new."

"Dylan used to get terrible growing pains they would wake him in his sleep. I'm sure you remember them as well. Sometimes growth is easy, sometimes hard, sometimes it's agony. It's needed though. He needed to know what he is capable of becoming where his darkness without booze can lead. It's not the alcohol that creates it it's there in him. He needed to know and I don't think it's conscious on his part, but he also needed to know how far he can push you, how far this love will stretch. His mother and me by our actions have taught him love is conditional or in his mothers case can be too hard too much of a fight, that you may not be strong enough for it. Brenda I was… well I was an asshole it's the nicest way I can say it- that's my darkness, it's still there. Iris was pushed until I found her breaking point. I'm selfish I wanted my son with me. All those ideas, lessons we taught him on love unfortunately you are going to have to prove to him are wrong. I'm trying and I'm going to keep trying as long as I can but if you want him in your life then you are going to have to work through his misperception's. You both are young, you have to figure out yourselves whilst doing it together it will be hard, and you and he will keep making mistakes. It's a good thing though he's smart, he won't make the same mistake again."

I come out a second later after that and look at Brenda, "want to go for dinner? Dad, you and Christine could join us."

"No thank you, Brandon will be finishing his afternoon shift soon. I should get home before him so he doesn't worry." The inference is obvious she's not sure if she wants anyone to know of our afternoon. She see's her need for me our need for each other as a weakness. Hopefully, my Dad has convinced her our relationship is not unhealthy just a result of our age, my past and our love.