Fait Accompli
by K. Stonham
first released 23rd May 2022

"I have never been to a sleepover before," Krel said, clutching his armful of pillow and sleeping bag in addition to the stuffed backpack that hung over one shoulder. "Aja is so jealous."

"Yeah, well, she's off ruling a whole planet," Toby said. "If she wanted to be free to go on sleepovers, she should've turned Akiridion-5 into a democracy."

Steve moaned. "No civics lessons," he pleaded. "It's summer vacation!"

"Is it time yet?" Claire asked Jim.

He checked his phone, which buzzed in his hand. "Douxie says it's go time," he confirmed.

"All right." Claire reached her arms out before herself and a purple-black rift opened in the air before her. "Gentlemen, after you."

"Yes!" Steve punched the air and ran through the portal.

"You must admit he is enthusiastic," Krel said, and followed.

The other side of the portal opened into an alley. The sky was significantly darker than it had been at Camelot just a moment before, and waiting for them were a wizard, a dragon, and a goddess.

Douxie grinned as the rest of their party exited the portal, and it irised closed behind them. "Welcome to Metro City!" he said, arms wide.

"Ugh, it stinks," Krel complained.

"That's mostly the dumpster," Archie said, pointing a paw in the direction of said object. "But we couldn't very well have you all portal into Douxie's apartment."

"It is warded!" Nari said proudly.

"Come on, it's just around the block," Douxie said, taking the lead. "This was the closest spot that was out of public view."

Their bedding-and-backpacks-carrying group fell in behind him, Jim walking next to Douxie, scanning the sidewalks and buildings. Claire and Toby flanked Nari. Krel and Steve brought up the rear.

Somewhere very close by, a very loud rumbling sounded. It shook the air. "What is that?" Krel shouted, trying to be heard over the din.

"It's the metro system," Douxie shouted back.

"Is it always so loud?" asked Toby, covering his ears.

"It's why the rent's affordable!" Archie replied.

Once they were inside, the noise cut out a little. "Well, we're on the fifth floor," Douxie reported, eyeing the tiny cage elevator. "Who wants to walk it and who wants to take the elevator?"

"Is that thing even safe?" Toby looked at it askance.

"Significantly more so since we moved in and Douxie enchanted it," Archie reported. He sprang from the wizard's shoulder, transforming and stretching out his wings.

"Douxie has also fixed the water for the building," Nari said. "Everyone is much happier now."

Douxie rubbed at the back of his neck and looked away. "Well, I wasn't going to fix it for just us," he mumbled. "That's rude."

"Come on," Jim said. "Race you, Tobes. Fifth floor, right?" he asked Douxie.

"Apartment five-eleven," the wizard replied. "Arch'll let you in."

"Hey, Steve wants in on this too!" Steve said, running after the pair.

"Too much energy," Krel said, shaking his head as the Trollhunter and his best friend raced up the steps.

"They're teenage boys," Claire said. Which made absolutely no sense.

But her remark seemed to amuse Douxie, because he laughed. "Well, now that it's just us, shall we?" He gestured them and Nari into the tiny elevator, then stepped in after them, closed the gate, and pressed a button. The primitive contraption rose up slowly but steadily.

By the time they reached the fifth floor, the door to apartment 511 was wide open, and familiar voices could be heard from within.


"Dude," Toby said as they walked in, staring. "Tell me what a place like this costs, because I will move to Metro City in a heartbeat."

Douxie laughed, shutting the door behind their party. "It's not that much but it's not actually what we're renting on paper, either."

"What do you mean, Teach?" Claire asked, setting her armful of bedding down on the end of the sofa where all the rest of it was heaped.

Archie sniffed, landing on the back of said sofa. "It's cheap due to the undesirable proximity to the trains, and the actual apartment is less than a quarter this size."

"Magic?" asked Jim.

Douxie raised a hand, blue plasma ghosting momentarily around his fingers. "Magic," he confirmed.

"Huh. Well, I'm all for it," Jim said, looking around. "This place is nice."

"So!" Steve was already laying on his front on the floor. "What's the sleepover plans? Pizza, movies, dumb board games?"

"I thought we were here to do some strategic planning," Claire said. She'd wandered over to the floor-to-ceiling windows, which Nari was checking. The little green goddess had the windows lined three deep with a variety of potted plants, and they all leaned into her touch as she brushed her hands over them. It was like watching Toby's Nana petting her cats.

Douxie laughed. "I think we can fit in both. You lot hungry now, or in a bit?"

"I'm always hungry," Steve said.

"Ah, yes, teenage appetites," opined Archie.

"Martiano's, you think?" Douxie asked his familiar.

Archie surveyed their group. "I think at least four extra-larges."

"I'll get the menus." Douxie disappeared around a corner, into what Claire assumed was a kitchen.

"Doux, you got any sodas?" Toby called after him.

"They're in the fridge," came the answer. "Help yourselves."

"I'll get them," said Claire, and followed where the master wizard had gone.

The kitchen, she discovered, was as nice as the rest of the apartment, all old wood trim, tile floors, and butcher block countertops. "The big city treating you okay?" she asked Douxie, who was rifling through a drawer that appeared to be full of takeout menus.

He laughed. "Ditching Arcadia without notice did nothing for my resume. But we're getting by. I'm actually earning more busking than I am waiting tables."

She raised eyebrows as she opened the fridge. "Busking?"

"There's a few platforms that're good for acoustics," he replied. "And I lucked out in the city license lottery, so I don't need to worry about the cops."

"Lucked out, or 'lucked out'?" she asked, scanning the shelves.

He laughed. "Why, Claire, are you accusing me of using my powers for nefarious purposes?"

"Um." She blinked at what she was seeing in the back corner of the fridge, almost hidden behind the wall of sodas. She reached out a finger and poked the clear container. The dark mass inside shifted. Liquid. "Teach, what's this?"

"Uh." She turned to see him staring at her. "Fuzzbuckets. It's... soup?" he offered.

Claire was a master at detecting bullshit. And Douxie wasn't particularly good at bullshitting anyway. "No, it's not."

His eyes were big. "It's. Um." He bit his bottom lip. "Fuzzbuckets," he swore again.

Claire pulled the takeout soup container out of the fridge, hip-checking the door closed. "Douxie."

"It's private," he said, not meeting her eyes.

"Teach."

"Douxie!" Nari popped her head around the corner. "Can we get a vegetarian pizza? Oh," she said, seeing what Claire was holding. "Is that your blood?"

Claire felt slightly faint. And nauseous. She set the container down on the counter and edged away from it, wiping her hands on her jeans. "Why do you have blood in your refrigerator? Why do you have that much blood in your refrigerator?"

"It's..." He bit his lip again and didn't answer.

"It is for drinking!" Nari said brightly, as if she didn't see any kind of problem with it.

"Thank you, Nari," Douxie bit out.

The goddess giggled. "You are welcome!" she said, and scampered back to the other room.

Claire chewed her own bottom lip. "Is there... something you want to tell me, Doux?" she asked carefully.

"Not really, no." Douxie still wasn't meeting her eyes, and looked paler than she thought she'd ever seen him. Which was quite a feat.

"Rephrase: is there something you /should/ be telling me? As your student."

Mute, his lips pressed in a line, Douxie shook his head.

"As your friend?" Claire asked, softer.

His fingers tensed into a fist, crumpling the menu he held. "Don't make me do this, Claire," he whispered. Tension was radiating off every line of him.

"Douxie." She took a step closer to him.

His head whipped up, his gaze meeting her. She froze at the anger on his face. "Yes, it's blood," he snapped. "Yes, I drink it. Yes, I have to. All right?"

"Hey, so about those sodas-" Toby appeared around the corner of the kitchen.

"Got any snacks, Mister Magic Man?" Steve was right behind him.

"Wait, what's going on?" Toby asked, taking in the tableaux. His gaze suddenly zeroed in on the plain container resting on the counter, half full of dark red liquid. "Holy crap, is that blood?"

"Blood?" Now Steve looked at it too. "Whoa, it is!" he said. "Dude, are you taking bio classes too?" he asked Douxie. Who just looked at him helplessly, seeming caught.

Claire took a deep breath, clearing her thoughts. Mastering her feelings. Centering herself. "Teach," she told Douxie, "I think there's clearly some things you need to tell us."


They ended up back in the living room, with the damning container of blood sitting right on the coffee table like it was evidence being presented in a trial. Which Douxie supposed it was.

It wasn't like he shouldn't be used to being judged in a court of public opinion by now. But somehow it stung differently when it was his friends.

Probably ex-friends, he thought miserably.

He sat curled up in the corner of the sofa, Archie doing his best to purr him back to a state of mental stability. It wasn't working very well. Nari perched on the arm farthest from him. Their -friends- allies were arrayed on the floor.

"So, um." Toby cleared his throat. "I guess maybe Eli was right?"

Douxie's head raised marginally from the shelter of his arms. "What?"

The mostly-human quintet exchanged glances. Krel at least looked like he didn't know what any of this meant. "Uh, for a while Eli was pretty convinced you were a vampire," Jim admitted.

Memory flashed, and pieces suddenly slotted together, making more sense. Douxie's eyes widened. "Wait, is that what you lot kept being up to at the cafe...?"

"Uh, yeah." Jim glanced at the others. "We all figured he was wrong and gave it up after that time he cut his hand and you passed out."

Douxie glared. "Thank you all so much for harassing me at my place of employment. Remind me to have words with Eli about crossing people's boundaries."

Steve snorted. "Chyeah, sure. Next time he's on-planet, maybe." He did a poor job of not sounding bitter about his Creepslaying partner abandoning him for another world.

"So, uh, why did you pass out?" asked Toby.

"Because I hate blood and don't react well to seeing it," Douxie retorted. "Why'd Eli decide I was a vampire, anyway? I thought I was doing pretty well blending in."

"Apparently not," Archie murmured.

"Yeah, no." Toby started ticking points off on his fingers. "You're like ultra-pale, you wear all black all the time, then there's the whole skull motif thing you've got going-"

"They're memento mori!" Douxie protested.

"No idea what that is," Toby said, and continued, "plus the fact that you're so goddamned weird..."

"I am maligned," Douxie complained to Archie. "Unduly and unjustly maligned."

"Yeah, Eli may seem like he's a crackpot, but he's actually turning out to have a pretty good track record on these things," Jim agreed. "So, what do you want to tell us?" He gestured at the container of blood.

"Preferably nothing." Douxie retreated to the safety of his arms.

There was silence for a minute. "Okay," Steve said finally.

Which was not what Douxie had been expecting. "Okay?" he asked, raising his head again.

"Well, I mean, it's your business, right?" Steve asked. "Unless you're killing people to get blood," he added nervously. "You're not killing people, are you?"

"That's cow blood," Douxie spat. "I get it from the butcher twice a week."

It wasn't his imagination; all five of the teenagers relaxed.

"Okay, so, question." Krel raised his hand. "I am assuming that the consumption of blood is not average for humans. How do you explain it to this butcher?"

"I'm British; he thinks I love black pudding," Douxie replied.

"You do love black pudding," Archie pointed out.

"Yes, but not all the time."

"Douxie does not like the taste of blood," Nari explained, playing with a green butterfly made of her magic. "He dilutes it within other beverages."

"I don't like blood, period," Douxie retorted. "I just have to drink it if I don't want to die."

"But you can eat normal things," Claire pointed out. "I know I've seen you."

"The vampiric need for blood is rather more like requiring a vitamin supplement," Archie told her. "Very few subsist on it alone."

"Yes, and the ones who do are all wankers." Douxie shuddered at the memory. "Drinking blood does bad things to the head. And I've never met anyone who drank human blood who wasn't at least halfway around the bend."

"Wait, there are more vampires?" Toby asked. Douxie gave him a look. "Okay, stupid question," he admitted.

"So who turned you?" Steve asked. "Or were you always a vampire? Wait! Do you sparkle in sunlight?"

"I will burn every copy of those books in existence," Douxie muttered. "Big bonfire."

"I will help you light it," Archie promised.

"No, I do not sparkle in sunlight," he informed Steve. "Come on, you've seen me."

Steve shrugged. "You've got magic," he said, fairly reasonably. "Who knows what you're covering up."

Hisirdoux rolled his eyes. "I'm covering up myself. That's it." At their blank looks, he unfolded slightly, holding out his hand, gathering magic into it. "Solus Umbra," he intoned, and let the magic wash over him.

It left no visible effect, which was the point. Claire's face screwed up, though. "Sun... shadow?" she parsed out the spell.

"Close enough," Douxie told her. "Sunlight's not good for me. Hasn't been for several centuries." He held up the arm with his vambrace, indicating the scar that ran under it. "Got this before I mastered that spell. Hurt like you wouldn't believe, for rather a long time."

"So when did you become a vampire?" Krel asked. "I am assuming from what they are saying-" his gesture encompassed the four human teenagers "-that this is not a congenital condition."

Douxie's mouth narrowed to a line and he looked away. "Camelot."

"Whaa-" Toby gaped.

"Wait, there were vampires in Camelot?!" Steve demanded, looking around wildly, like he thought some might appear out of the woodwork to attack him.

Nari snorted. "No. There were no others of Douxie's kind present."

"Then how...?" asked Jim.

Douxie glanced at him. Looked away. He didn't want to answer. Didn't want to make things worse.

But didn't Jim deserve the truth?

"When we brought Morgana back to life," Nari said, still playing with her butterfly, "Bellroc named her the mother of monsters." She glanced up. "I think, if we had known then, we might have chosen a different title."

"Merlin makes monsters," Douxie said softly, to no one in particular. But his gaze returned inevitably to Jim. Who was human again now, but for a slice of time had been an unnatural eldritch creature, caught in the uncanny valley between two species. "You." His mouth quirked up in a humorless smile. "Me."

Jim's eyes were wide. "Merlin did this to you...?"

"Oh, the old man wasn't a vampire, if that's what you're thinking," Archie said, batting away the unspoken accusation. "But he was keen on experimenting. On creating new things to aid Arthur in his battles with Gunmar and other magical beings."

"My life was already forfeit," Douxie told Jim. "He'd saved me from death at the hands of Arthur's knights. I suppose that made him feel he had some amount of ownership over me. He certainly didn't ask me. Didn't even tell me what he was planning. I thought," he added bitterly, "that I was just supposed to be his new apprentice. Turned out the job description was half that, half experiment. For a few years, at least. Until he figured out I was useless for Arthur's purposes."

"I would never have let him do that bloodletting had I known his intent," Archie promised him. "And if you hadn't needed his training so badly, he would have been wizard flambé on the spot."

"I know, Arch." His familiar butted his head up under Douxie's chin. Scent marking. Comforting. Douxie drew a breath and didn't look at anyone, just studied the heap of sleeping bags and pillows taking up most of the sofa. "I don't know if the experiment was something he deemed a complete failure or not. It was one of the million things he never talked about with me. I do know I was too vulnerable to sunlight, and too squeamish about blood and violence to be a good weapon against the trolls. Fortunately."

"I rather suspect that Merlin was hoping that the combination of vampiric gifts and magical ability would be useful." Archie adjusted his glasses. "By using Douxie, who had reason to be loyal to him, as a test subject, he likely hoped to be able to present some sort of tailored warrior to Arthur as a fait accompli. He didn't count on Douxie's gentle nature to make his gamble worthless."

Douxie snorted. "It might have worked, if I'd been a meathead like most of the knights."

"Yes, instead you were a penniless orphan on the verge of starvation, who'd been running and hiding your entire life because of your magic," Archie agreed. He sighed. "Merlin never was the best at judging people."

"You know," Claire said suddenly, "this kind of makes you referring to Merlin as your master even creepier."

"Yeah, I know," Douxie said moodily. "Everything about my relationship with Merlin is messed up."

"So, uh, question!" Toby raised his hand. "Can you, like, turn into a bat and a wolf and fog and stuff? Oooh! Can you cloud people's minds?"

"Gods, no, I wish," Douxie told him. "That would be wicked."

Archie coughed.

"All right, well, I can turn into things," Douxie amended. "But that's to do with being a wizard, not a vampire, and it's very uncomfortable, so I don't."

"Not everyone's a natural shapeshifter," agreed Archie.

"Saucy midge." Douxie rubbed between his familiar's ears. He sighed. "No. All I got from the vampire thing was better night vision and a bit of extra strength and durability. Totally not worth the cost."

"So." Jim spoke slowly, like he was turning over an idea he wasn't sure about. "Is this why you came back from being dead?"

Douxie paused. Considered it. "Well, that's a new and terrifying thought," he said after a minute. If he really couldn't die, if the intersection of magic and vampirism made him a true immortal... "I'm going to file that away and not think about it for a long time."

"Sorry." Jim had the grace to look contrite.

"Merlin said there was no true immortality," Archie said dubiously. He seemed as disturbed by the concept as Douxie was.

Nari laughed softly. "Merlin was correct," she said. "All that lives, dies. And from death springs new life." As her eyes met his, Douxie saw in them that she meant confirming his mortality to be a gift.

It was. Knowing that he would die, someday, made it easier to breathe.

"So." Douxie turned his head and regarded at the others. "Where does this leave us?"

The Arcadian (and Akiridion) teenagers exchanged glances. Finally Krel looked at Douxie. "Well, I do not know about them, but I was promised pizza. And movies."

"Yes!" Steve punched the air. "One All-Meat Marvel, please!"

"You're... really all right with this?" Douxie asked, testing. Surprised.

Claire shrugged. "So you need an unusual dietary supplement. I've seen Toby scarf down Stuart's tacos and Blinky eat literal trash."

"Besides, it wasn't like we didn't already know that Merlin was a dick," Jim pointed out.

"Also, I have like, a million questions," Toby said, leaning forward, hands on his crossed legs. "Do you have fangs? Can I see?"

Douxie had to laugh. "No fangs," he promised. "And human teeth are terrible for making those nice little double punctures Hollywood likes. Back when I had to get blood myself, a knife and cup was so much easier."

"Not to mention tidier, and more sanitary," Archie agreed.

"So," Nari said serenely. "One vegetarian pizza, one 'all-meat marvel'...?"

"Maybe a plain pepperoni?" Claire suggested. "And some kind of combo pizza?"

"Ooh! Do they have an 'everything' Trash Tower option?" Toby asked. "Those are the best."

"I'll get the menu," Archie said, transforming back into a dragon and flying off to the kitchen to retrieve it.

Douxie uncurled slowly, even as Claire pushed to her feet. "I'll put this back in the fridge," she said, picking up the container of blood. "At least, I think it's probably supposed to be kept cold...?"

"It's vile enough when cold," Douxie told her. "Room temperature blood is even worse. It rots fast. So, yes, thanks."


Later, when the open boxes of pizza were arrayed on the kitchen counters and everyone was jockeying to get slices of what they wanted, Douxie hesitated, then opened the fridge and pulled out the container of blood, and a can of Coke. Forcing himself to breathe through it, to not make a big deal about it, he set them on the counter and reached for the cupboard, taking out one of his half-dozen insulated travel mugs. He popped off its lid and, trying not to be conscious of how everyone was watching, opened the blood. He half filled the cup, then topped it off with the soda, bubbles fizzling and popping even as he put the drink container's lid back on.

Turning, he raised the cup to his lips and drank. Waiting to see if anyone was going to make anything of it or not.

Jim was looking speculatively at the cup. "Huh. You know, I would've thought the iron and salt in the blood would make soda taste really bad."

Douxie shrugged. "It's not my favorite, but I'm used to it by now. It was better back when Coke was made with real sugar and actually had traces of cocaine in it. Masked the taste more."

"Hey, um." Steve raised his hand. "Can I try?"

Douxie blinked. "You really want to try my vile blood-and-cola concoction?"

"Well, um. Sharing things normalizes them, right?" Steve asked, his gaze wandering everywhere but finally ending up on Douxie's face again.

"I'll try it," Jim said instantly, drawing Douxie's gaze. He shrugged. "Well, maybe not with Coke," he said. "But it can't be any worse than rare beef, right? Or sushi."

"Omigosh!" Toby's eyes were wide. "Remember when Morgana was possessing you, and she ordered her steak dripping with blood?" he asked Claire. "You don't think she was a vampire, do you?"

"I think if Morgana was a vampire, we would have known about it," she replied. "Still, that's a creepy possibility, Toby."

"As far as I know, she wasn't," Douxie said. "And, you're all welcome to try some cow blood, with or without soda." He gestured at the cupboard. "There are plenty of cups."

"I will have some blood, please," said Nari.

"Wait wait wait, you order a vegetarian pizza but are okay with drinking blood?" Steve asked her.

Nari shrugged, holding her plate with, indeed, two slices of vegetarian pizza on it. "Life feeds on death. Death feeds on life. It is a great cycle, and plants are no less worthy than those who devour them. Nor are those who subsist on flesh less worthy than those who do not."

"As an energy-based being, I find all consumption on this planet to be slightly creepy," Krel announced. "But I, too, will try the blood."

In the end, everyone ended up with a cup with at least some blood in it (though most of his friends, Douxie noted, ended up not pouring soda on top). Archie was the lone exception, but then he'd gotten his curious taste-testing out of the way centuries ago.

"So, um." Having sampled his cow's blood, made a face, and washed it down with 7-Up, Jim gestured to Douxie's insulated cup. "If memory serves, you carry those around a lot."

Douxie laughed softly. "I have coffee in them most of the time."

"Coffee and blood," Archie betrayed.

Douxie rolled his eyes and shrugged. "No one looks too hard at a teenager with a caffeine addiction, and coffee totally masks what else is in my cup. And, unfortunately, I start looking even more anemic if I don't drink enough of the red stuff." He gestured to his pale skin.

"So. Garlic?" Toby asked.

Douxie held up his slice of the 'everything trash tower' pizza, which included roasted garlic among its ingredients. "Totally fine." He took a bite and chewed as he thought. Swallowing, he continued, ticking off points on his fingers. "Yes I have a reflection, no I don't need an invitation to cross thresholds. Um, what else?"

"Running water," Archie reminded him.

"Oh, yeah. No problems with rivers, streams, or oceans." Douxie thought a moment longer, then shrugged. "Can't think of any other vampire myths, but if you come up with some, let me know."

"Is Count Dracula real?" asked Claire.

Douxie and Archie shared a grimace. "Old Vlad," Archie said. "Yes, he was very, very real."

"'Was'?" Jim raised eyebrows.

Douxie bit his bottom lip and looked up to the ceiling. "The next time you pick up a copy of Dracula... well, let's just say it's a very thinly fictionalized account of what went down."

The others exchanged glances. But Krel just seemed confused. "Who is Count Dracula?"

"A rather infamous vampire," Archie informed him. "His story has been made into books, plays, and movies... well, innumerable times."

"Ah. I shall have to look this up, then." Krel nodded.

"So what about crosses?" Claire twisted her fingers in the small crucifix necklace she wore.

Douxie shrugged. "I'm not Christian, so they do absolutely nothing to me. Nor holy water, either. Other vampires?" He shrugged again. "Probably there's a lot more religious guilt mixed in that might make those things more effective. What you believe, can hurt you."

"So to kill a vampire...?" Jim asked.

Douxie gave him a sardonic look. "Putting aside the issue that you're specifically asking what could kill me, because I trust you... the traditional methods work well enough."

"So, like, a stake through the heart?" asked Steve.

"A stake through the heart will kill almost anything," Archie pointed out.

"Ooh, yeah." Eyes widening with comprehension, Steve nodded.

"Beheading's also traditional, as is immolation - setting them on fire - or sunlight exposure. Though those last two are very cruel and disturbing. Personally, I'd prefer beheading as the way to go out. It's comparatively quick and painless."

"Dude, how do you know all this?" asked Toby, slice of pizza hovering halfway to his mouth.

"I make a point of knowing about things that I am," Douxie informed him.

"And we've been called in to deal with vampires a time or two," Archie added.

Douxie nodded. "That too."

Nari sighed. "Poor misguided souls, killing their own kind just to devour them. In so much pain, they cannot see the pain they cause."


After dinner, Douxie broke out a couple sets of Ticket to Ride and they all played, even Nari and Archie, while brainstorming ideas. Toby called the red trains, playing with his besties Jim and Claire, and his next-bestie, Krel. Steve got relegated to the Ancient People game set, poor sap. Toby was pretty sure they were going to wipe the floor with him.

"You cannot defeat Bellroc and Skrael outright," Nari said, drawing train cards. "You must find a way to go around them."

"And they already know I'll trick them, given the chance," Douxie added. He frowned at his cards.

"Hmm," said Claire, playing on the other set. "All right, I'm making a line." She handed in several yellow cards and began setting her tokens on the board.

Toby huffed, irked. She had taken up the route he'd been about to take, blocking him. "Great, now I've got to go the long way around."

"Sorry, Toby!" But from the way Claire was smiling, Toby knew she totally wasn't sorry at all.

"I am plotting my vengeance," he informed her.

"If there was just some way we could take away the Order's magic," said Jim. Given he had lost his magic at the Arcane Order's hands, Toby didn't think any of them blamed him for wanting retribution.

"Maybe there is." Krel lowered his cards to his lap (keeping them hidden, Toby noticed) and tapped a finger against his chin, looking into the distance in thought. "There is that magic-absorbing stone that came off of Excalibur. If I could find some way to harness its resonance..."

"What, you'd make a magic black hole?" asked Steve. "How're we going to get them into that?"

"I could portal them in?" Claire asked dubiously.

Nari shook her head. "They will not be so easy to trap again."

"We'll need bait," Archie put in. "Something they can't resist."

"No," said Douxie instantly. "We can't risk them getting their hands on Nari-"

"Douxie." Nari put her hand on his arm. "If we can find a way to block their magic and make them vulnerable, it will be worth the risk."

A train rumbled by. From outside the magic apartment, it was probably a lot louder; inside, it barely vibrated the window panes.

Douxie swallowed. "If Krel can do anything with the voidstone," he said, and drew a breath. "We'll need to trap them someplace they can't easily exit. And," he added in, "we'll need to assume that those of us with magic powers won't be able to use them either."

"A strictly physical fight." Jim nodded. "We can do that."

"Yeah, but where?" asked Toby.

Outside, the train rumbled again.

Almost as one, the eight of them turned to look at the vibrating window panes.

"If we caught one of the ghost trains..." Douxie mused. "One of the ones that's almost empty..."

"It could work," Jim said. "If Krel can figure out how to block magic."

The Akiridion smirked. "If I can't, no one can."


When they all finally agreed it was time to turn in for the night, Douxie, Nari, and Archie hauled in all the blankets and pillows from their bedroom while Steve and Toby pushed the living room furniture to the edges. The floor became one giant nest with everyone giggling and whispering and moving things around until they were next to their favorite people.

"Lights out," Douxie said.

"No, wait, I forgot to plug in my phone!" There was a sudden scramble of teenagers to pull out devices and chargers and find available wall sockets.

"Aren't you going to charge yours, Krel?" Douxie asked the Akiridion.

Krel snorted. "Just because my communications device looks like one of your Earth phones, does not mean it is. It only requires charging once every kelton or so."

"Sweet, dude," commented Steve, reclaiming his sleeping bag.

"All right, lights seriously out now?" Douxie asked as Jim, Claire, and Toby found their spots again.

"Sure." "Yeah." "All right."

"Excellent." He used magic to flip the switch on the far side of the room, casting his apartment into darkness, save for what ambient light came in through the alley-facing windows.

There was whispering (Claire) and giggling (Toby) and restless flipping over (Steve). But there was also Archie, warm against Douxie's side, and Nari, sheltered between him and the other teenagers. Turning his head toward the windows, which he was the closest to, Douxie wondered how bright the light was to the others. He could see them, almost as clear as day; was the room just shadows and smudges to them, or was it still too bright? He could whip up an obscuring spell, to darken the room further-

"Hey, um, Douxie?" Toby broke the relative silence. "Quick question, probably stupid..."

He sighed. Sleep would be late coming tonight, apparently. Well, late for him; the others were still on West Coast time. "Go ahead, Toby."

"Have you ever drunk human blood?"

Douxie froze, his eyes flaring wide as sudden cold washed through him.

Archie perked his head up, pressed closer.

He didn't have to answer, he knew. He could lie.

If we're to have any hope of defeating the Order, we need to trust each other. How can they trust me if I lie to them?

Douxie swallowed. "I have," he said, hoarsely. His throat felt tight.

"Oh."

"Merlin was very thorough," Archie said softly. Douxie could hear his familiar's claws kneading the pillow he was laying on. Archie was pissed on his behalf; he could tell by the cadence.

Douxie swallowed again, willing himself to relax. It didn't work very well. "It was a very long time ago," he managed to say. "I don't even know whose it was." He'd only known that he was hungry, in a way no food seemed to assuage. That he was thirsty no matter how much he drank.

"Oh," Toby said again, quieter.

But then Steve had to open his mouth and ask, "What was it like?" and make Douxie remember all over again something he'd tried very hard to forget.

It had been water in the desert, easing his throat. Food to a starving man, filling his belly. It had been- "Delicious," Douxie said, before he could stop himself.

The quality of the silence in the room changed.

Douxie rolled onto his side, looking at the window. Not looking at the rest of them. He breathed, trying to get himself under control. "If you ever wonder why I'm an atheist," he said softly, so that he could keep his voice under control, "despite the fact that I'm living with a literal goddess, it's this: once upon a time, some god or other took a member of a highly social species and turned them into something that could only survive if they drank the literal life fluid of others of their kind. And not just a little bit, either." He laughed bitterly, and felt the pain curl through him. "I've done the math-who hasn't-about how many people it would take for a vampire to subsist on humans, and not harm them. The numbers are far too high to be practical, no matter how willing the donors."

"Back in the day," Archie said, "many vampires chose to become doctors. Who better to prescribe, or profit from, a bloodletting?"

Douxie snorted. "You say that like they've stopped. Who has better access to a modern blood bank than a medical professional?"

"Douxie," Claire said softly, but he shook his head and kept going.

"Understand this: animal blood tastes foul to me because it's an inadequate substitute. Vampires are meant to survive on human blood. It's literally the perfect food for us. But most of us are moral enough to refuse that. So we're either murderers, or martyrs." He could feel tears trickling down his face. He hated this. He hated talking about it. He hated what he was.

But not enough to end things. Not when he had duty laid out before him, as the last master wizard. He had to protect Nari, protect the planet. Pain... was secondary to what he had to do.

"Douxie..." Nari's small hand touched his arm.

He scrubbed his arm roughly against his eyes. "'Scuse me, please." He stood, and went around the verges of the room to the bedroom, shutting the door behind himself. From there, he eased open the window and went out onto the fire escape, which was as far away as he could get without leaving. Outside, everything was so much louder. The trains rumbled and horns blared and people shouted and somewhere down the way a boombox massacred a song from decades ago. The air was hot, carrying a whiff of garbage from someone's unlidded dumpster, and also the tang of iron from the rust of the fire escape.

Douxie swallowed and closed his eyes, trying to let the sheer cacophony of life take him out of his own head. To let him shut up all his feelings again, box them away, and not have to look at them or deal with them.

To not have to face that he was going to continue living a very long time, subsisting on the foulest beverage he'd ever found. That he was set apart from the rest of humanity, and always a hair's breadth away from becoming one of the monsters he'd spent centuries beating back into the shadows.

To not have to look at the fact that Merlin had called him "son" but had never once apologized for making Douxie into a vampire. Had never seemed to see the need, the hurt he'd dealt, or the damage he'd done. Which really made it clear where his father figure had ranked him in relation to Arthur, for whose sake he'd done this in the first place.

He was expecting Archie to follow him.

He wasn't expecting the weight of first one human body, then another, and another and another, to vibrate the fire escape, warm bodies closing in all around him.

Douxie's eyes flew open. "What are you all-"

"Don't think we're letting you deal with this by yourself, Teach," Claire said, worming her way under his arm and smiling brightly up at him.

"But-"

Jim's hand landed on his shoulder. "We're a team. No one deals with their problems all alone."

Douxie drew in a breath. It was ragged, holding tears. But, "I am quite sure this fire escape is not rated for eight people," he said.

"I'm a cat; don't count me," Archie said peevishly, managing somehow to jump up onto Douxie's shoulder from the midst of the crowd.

"All right, seven people and a cat, then," Douxie amended.

"Come on, dude. You know you can count on us," said Steve.

Which was when the fire escape gave a loud, juddering shriek and shifted away from the wall.

"Shitshitshit, back inside!" Toby yelped; the lot of them followed him, scrambling back through the window before the structure could actually collapse and kill them.

"Fuzzbuckets," Douxie swore, wide-eyed, heart pounding wild in his chest, once they were all safe

"Not the way I want to go," said Jim, staring out the window.

"The heroes of Earth, done in by a collapsing fire escape," Krel agreed. "Aja would never let me live it down."

"Even if we survived the fall, the tetanus would kill us," said Claire.

"Oh, come on, you got your TDaP shot, right?" Toby asked her.

Looking at his bickering friends, now that the adrenaline was easing away and the panic about imminent death and impalation was ebbing, Douxie had to breathe a laugh.

"Nari," Archie said, "please get away from there."

The goddess was poking her head out of the window, looking up. "It is not fully detached," she reported, coming back inside. "I believe it may be repaired."

"I'll fix it in the morning," Douxie promised. "Another thing to add on to the list."

"Dude, this place should make you the superintendent or something," Steve said, leaning his weight against Douxie.

"Eh, Carl does his best," Douxie told him. "He's just not really up to the major stuff the building owners won't pay to fix."

"Fortunately, there's a wizard living here now," said Archie.

"Come on," Toby said. "Let's get away from the cursed fire escape and go back to our slumber party."

"Fine by me." Douxie firmly shut the window. He didn't know if he'd ever want to go out there again now, even after he fixed it. Pity. He'd enjoyed playing the guitar on the fire escape from time to time.

But when he went to go back to his pillow and blankets, Claire stopped him. "Nuh-uh, Teach," she said. "You're not on the edges. Tonight you get to be in the middle."

"Claire," he protested.

"Nope, no take-backs," Toby said, grabbing Douxie's bedding and hauling it to the middle of the room, shifting his and Jim's sleeping bags aside with his foot.

"So, to recap," Jim said, helping shift everything to a new formation, "tonight we've learned about magic apartment expansions, which we are all totally having you do once we move out, found out you're a vampire, made a possibly workable plan to take out the Arcane Order, and had a life-threatening experience on a fire escape from the 1920s. I think this calls for waffles in the morning, how about you guys?"

"Haven't got a waffle maker," Douxie told him, submitting to the iron will of his friends and moving to the center of the room. "But there's a good diner around the corner. Brunch is on me."

"Deal," Krel told him as they all settled in to the new configuration. "And I am now wondering if I could do some chemical analysis and figure out what the active component of human blood is that makes it different to you from animal. If it can be isolated, it can be synthesized."

"You're assuming it's a chemical matter, not a magical one," Archie rebutted, curling up against Douxie's side.

"True. But unless we try, we will never know for sure."

"Ooh, science," Toby said, grinning wide.

Douxie laughed low, waves of tiredness washing over him now that the danger was gone and the emotional wreckage of the evening was leaving him feeling like a wrung-out sponge. He wondered if Merlin had ever foreseen this, the shape of friends who genuinely did not care about the whole vampire thing. He decided he didn't care whether or not Merlin had known; Douxie had this, and got to keep it.

Turning his head, he caught Jim looking at him, smiling, as their friends debated magic-versus-science. Jim's gaze darted around the room, going from figure to figure, before settling back on Douxie. "Pretty great, isn't it?" Jim asked quietly, so that no one but Douxie would hear.

"Yeah," Douxie agreed. "You all are."


Author's Notes: This started as an AU idea by Sopa on the Discord server: what if Douxie was a vampire? And Eli was attempting to unmask him but it failed because Douxie fainted at the sight of blood. I (eventually) took that and ran with it, adding in my usual splash of angst and some plotting between the end of Wizards and the beginning of Rise of the Titans. (Dorothy Ann voice:) According to my research, commercially available animal blood will have been collected hygenically, and drinking a small amount is unlikely to be harmful to non-vampiric humans. Jim's line of "If memory serves" is an off-the-cuff reference to Iron Chef.