All Too Well

Summary: Mac and Harm are together in San Diego following the coin toss. But staying together ends up being even harder than getting together.

Part Five – Mac

June 2005

My intercom buzzes and I briefly close my eyes before answering my assistant's call. "Yes?" I wince at the sound of my own voice, and I resolve to be more patient with her. Jen will be here next week, and then the staff sergeant I've been stuck with for the past two months will finally go elsewhere.

"Ma'am, there's a Mr. Rabb here to see you."

"Send him in, please." I smile when I see him, but a ball of anxiety begins to form in my belly. He hasn't been to my office yet, and I wonder if being here, surrounded by uniforms and all of the trappings of the military, will have him regretting his decision. He's just as handsome in his civilian clothes – navy chinos and a pale blue button-down shirt, and looking at him makes my heart skip a beat. I stay seated until the door is closed behind him, and then I get up to meet him halfway. His hands immediately move to my hips and he starts to lower his lips to mine when he pulls back and his mouth turned up at the corner.

He looks around the office and then turns his attention back on me. "I think this is the first time we've ever kissed in one of our offices." He lowers his lips to mine, and I eagerly open my mouth to him.

Once we separate, I rub at the smear of lipstick on his bottom lip with my thumb, and then move my palm to his cheek. "I think you're right. Hopefully that won't be the last time." He beams and I smile. "What are you doing here? I thought we were meeting at the bank."

He shrugs and his hands move around me and rest at the small of my back. "I was hoping I could take you to lunch before we close on the house."

My smile widens and I nod. "That sounds perfect. I'm starving, actually." He steps back, and I move to my desk and begin gathering up my things. "Where do you want to go?"

He shrugs and the intercom buzzes again. "Colonel, do you have a moment for Commander Marshall?"

I groan and straighten. "This will just take a second," I say.

Harm shrugs, seemingly understanding. "Duty first."

I give permission for him to enter and offer a polite smile. "How can I help you, Commander?"

Andrew opens his mouth and then does a double take when he notices Harm. "I'll be damned, Harmon Rabb, is that you?" He turns away from me and sets his armful of folders on my desk before taking a step toward my fiancé. "It is you." He smiles widely and extends his hand. "I didn't know you were stationed here."

Harm shakes his hand and grins. "It's me." He looks and me and then back to Andrew. "I'm not stationed here. I'm not in the Navy anymore."

I move to stand next to Harm. I don't feel the need to be quite so formal, since the two men obviously know each other. Harm puts his hand on my waist and tugs me closer. "Harm is my fiancé."

Andrew's eyes widen and he barks out a laugh. "No shit!" He looks at me and winks. "Harm and I go way back."

"Obviously. So, the two of you are old friends?"

Harm laughs lightly and shrugs. "I think friendly rivals is more accurate. We were at Georgetown together."

I nod and watch as Andrew's smile goes even broader. He turns to us, but he's speaking to me. "This guy and I competed for everything. Grades, an internship…." He winks again and rocks back on his heels. "Anna Demarco's phone number."

I can't help but roll my eyes and look from one to the other. "Who won?"

"I got the top grades," Andrew said with a smirk.

"Oh, give me a break." Harm exclaims. "You had a 3.9 and I had a 3.87. It's not like you were Einstein and I was a kid in the corner eating paste." I laugh and he grins and reaches for my hand. "This one," he says, lifting my hand up, "managed a 4.0 at Duke, so I doubt she's impressed by your paltry 3.9."

Andrew let's out a low whistle, and I can't help but blush. I love that Harm is proud of me, and proud of my intellect, but I really hate being the center of attention - even if it's the center of a very small group. I wave them off, and look up at Harm. "So, who got the internship? And Anna Demarco?"

"I got Anna," Harm says, "but Anna beat us both out for the internship."

I laugh and squeeze his hand before letting him go and turning my attention to Andrew. "As enjoyable as all of this is, Harm and I have some place we need to get to. What can I help you with?"

He cocks his head to the side, and for a moment he looks like he forgot the reason he stopped by. Then his head eyes light up and he picks up the stack of files he had sat on my desk. "The General is looking to add two more attorneys to your staff. These are the candidates." He looks at the stack of manilla folders and shrugs. "I told him that you deserved input since they would work for you, so these are the files on officers that are due for orders and could easily be assigned here."

I nod and take them from him. "Thank you. I'll look over these and give you my thoughts."

"Good, thanks." We stand in an awkward silence for a moment, and then he holds out his hand to Harm again, and they shake one more time. "It really was good to see you, Harm. Get my number from Mac and give me a call sometime. It'd be nice to catch up."


"So, Andrew Marshall, huh?"

I fasten the seatbelt and look up at Harm. "Hmm?"

"You're working with Andrew. I can't say I was expecting that."

"We don't exactly work together," I say. He frowns and I turn as best I can to face him. He looks doubtful, and I find myself getting annoyed. "We don't. He's the General's command JAG. Our paths cross occasionally, but it's not like he's in the office next door to mine." He doesn't say anything, and I reach over the console and put a hand on his arm. "He's a colleague, Harm. I'm not sure about the depth of your history with him, but there isn't any reason for you to be jealous." He doesn't say anything I give his arm a gentle squeeze. "Of him, or anyone else."

He pulls his arm away and shoves the key in the ignition. "I'm not jealous, Mac."

"Okay." I don't believe him, and I know he can tell based on the sharp look he sends me.

"You sound disappointed," he retorts. "Do you want me to be jealous?"

"Of course, I don't." I realize immediately that I responded too quickly. I'm not trying to make him jealous; honestly, I'm not. And I don't want him to be jealous. But for nine years he's always been the most demonstrative towards me when there has been another a man in the picture. I take a deep breath and try to bring this conversation under control. This should be a happy day, after all. We're closing on our house – our first home together. We shouldn't be bickering about a man I work with that he happened to know a lifetime ago.

I squeeze his arm again. "Harm, come on. Andrew and I have been working in the same…" I make a vague gesture with my hand. "The same general office for about a month now. Why are you acting like this now?"

"I'm not acting like anything, Mac."

"You are so." I know I sound as childish as he does, and I pull my hand back and fold my hands in my lap. I turn my attention to the window and watch the scenery speed by. The remainder of the ride is silent, and I feel the urge to ask him to take me back to the office when he pulls into a parking lot of a popular lunch spot. By the time we're seated at a table with a nice view of the city, and we're (silently) looking at – or pretending to look at – menus, my anxiety has reached an uncomfortable level. I love this man. I've loved him for so long. But I hate this part of him – this sulky, petulant part of him. I've always appreciated that he doesn't yell or scream when he's hurt or upset, but now I think I'd prefer that over the silent treatment.

I finally give up on the pretense of deciding what I want for lunch and lower my menu to the table. I stare at him, and judging by the tightening of his jaw, I know that he's all to aware of my gaze. The waitress chooses that moment to come back to the table with our iced teas and asks if we're ready to order. I vaguely remember seeing fish tacos on the menu and order those with extra salsa. Harm hands both menus to her and orders one of the salad specials she had told us about.

Once the menus are gone and he has nothing else to pretend to pay attention to, he leans back against the booth, and it's his turn to stare at me. I watch as his jaw clenches and unclenches, and I watch his as his Adam's apple moves when he sips from his glass.

Finally, finally, he lets out a breath and shakes his head. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can, I reach across the table and cover one of his hands with one of mine. He softens slightly, and puts his other hand over mine. He squeezes gently and then pulls back. "I am jealous, Mac." He shakes his head. "And it isn't just because you're working with him. I'm jealous that he has a job, and I'm unemployed. And that pushes my thoughts to the danger zone. I keep thinking about the fact that I'm unemployed, and the house we're about to buy is financed solely by you, since I don't have a job."

"Your name is on the deed," I blurt out. "And you're going to be making the payments with me from your savings."

He shakes his head. "It isn't the same. I know I have more than enough money, and I know my name will be on the deed, but I'm unemployed, and since I'm without an income we weren't able to buy this house together."

I hate that he feels this way, but it also hurts to hear him say it. Is he regretting giving up the Navy? Does he regret following me out here?

But while it hurts, it's also annoying to hear him saying this. Because whether or not he regrets giving up the Navy, he's unemployed at the moment by choice. He is the one who has said he doesn't want to find work until Mattie is here and settled and doing well, and who knows how long that will take. He's the one who has chose to essentially be a stay-at-home dad for the time being. And while I understand and respect that he's doing this because he wants to make this transition easier for Mattie, I know that this level of inactivity will make him crazy.

"I'm not going to apologize for wanting a house, Harm."

His jaw clenched again. "I'm not asking you to."

I shrug and fidget with the straw wrapper. "Seems like you are." I meet his gaze and even though I want to look away, I force myself to maintain the eye contact. "You've always seemed to want me more when I'm… unavailable. Whether I'm with someone else, or I have a lot going on emotionally."

"Mac," he starts, his tone low and almost dangerous.

I do my best to ignore his tone and lean forward. "I don't need you right now," I say softly. "I'm with you because I want to be." He doesn't say anything and I lean back in my seat. My engagement ring catches the light and my hand feels like it weighs at least fifty pounds at the moment. "Can you say the same thing?"

He swallows hard and his hands clench and unclench. Then he stands up and looks toward the front door. "I need some air. I'll be back."


He doesn't come back for a while. He's outside for so long, I'm tempted to ask the waitress to package up our food so we can take it to go. But he finally comes back, and surprises me by sliding into the booth next to me.

"I'm sorry," he says softly. I take a breath, but I don't say anything. "I'm with you because I want to be; of course I am." He leans in and kisses me gently. "I'm not good at any of this, Mac. You know that, right?" I frown and he exhales. "It took me nine years to really tell you how I feel. I'm not someone who easily expresses feelings. I'm going to try, but I'm probably going to be really bad at it. I need you to be patient with me. Like right now… I'm not even 100% sure why we're arguing."

"I'm not either," I confess. "I think it started with you being jealous of Andrew and it turned into… this."

"I'm not jealous of Andrew," he says. I open my mouth to argue, but he ignores me. "I'm not, I promise. But for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I'm working towards something, and it's harder than I thought it would be. Seeing you in your office, and seeing Andrew just made me realize that I don't know what's next."

The waitress comes by at that moment and sets our food in front of us. She's visibly confused at seeing Harm on a different side of the table from where he started, and hurries away once we thank her. I ignore the tacos and turn my attention back to him. "Taking care of Mattie is what's next."

"I know that," he says. "But she's getting stronger every day. She's not going to need me to take care of her for too long. And there's the problem. I don't know what I'm going to do after that."

"You'll figure that out," I say gently. "You're Harmon Rabb Jr. You can do absolutely anything." He blushes and I feel warmth flood through me.

"Are you going to be able to stay patient with me while I figure out what 'anything' is?"

"Yes, of course." He doesn't say anything, but this time I feel like he's the one who has the doubts. I can be patient. I want to be patient. But I can't help but think that I'm the one who wanted to buy a house, and I'm the one who initiates the conversations about our future. And even though I do want to be patient, I also know that I don't want to wait nine more years to actually get married or talk about having a baby.

I force a smile and gesture towards our food. "We should probably eat, so we can get to the closing."

He watches me for another moment and then nods. "Yeah. Let's eat."

End Part 5