Why do birds fly, you ask?

Let me answer with another question:

Why walk when you can fly?


A sudden burst of light flashed in the sky a couple of meters above the cape overlooking the eastern sea, and a man flew out of the portal's exit, slamming into the ground in a dramatic crouched pose just outside of the entrance to the Morgana Woods. The man slowly rose to his feet and verified his surroundings.

"Looks like it worked, this is the place." The man spoke to himself.

Super Secret Agent Sal Fensert was here on a mission - a fairly simple one in theory, but he was going to be defying some of the most powerful entities in this world in order to carry it out. Luckily, he had something that would give him an edge, even against gods and kings. Sal raised his left wrist up to eye-level and activated the small device on it.

sv_cheats 1

***CHEATS ACTIVATED***

God 1

***GOD MODE ENABLED***

"It's showtime." Sal Fensert theatrically cracked his neck before he strode forwards into the woods.

He didn't get far, however, before he suddenly stopped in his tracks and smacked his palm against his hand.

"Artorius went towards the other side of the town...God damn it..." Sal groaned in frustration and took off, his confident stride replaced with a desperate sprint.


Artorius had just exited the front gate of Aball and had made his way a short distance down the trail towards Taliesin when he entered the sights of Sal's RPG-7 loaded with an OG-7v Warhead. Fortunately for him, Sal saw the red-headed Malak at his side, matching his pace.

"Shit, that's right...Seres is with him. I'd feel kind of bad if I blasted Celica to bits too..." Sal sighed as he set the RPG aside. "I guess I need to get creative about this..."

Sal jumped off the small ridge he had posted himself up on and leisurely strolled in front of the travelling exorcists.

"You! What are you doing out here? There are Daemons out here! You need to get to town immediately, it's not safe out here!" Artorius urgently called out.

"Artorius Collbrande, my man! How's it going?" Sal approached with an eager smile, as if he was his biggest fan.

"Wha-What's the meaning on this?! How do you know my name?" Artorius confrontationally questioned the stranger.

"I know a lot of things, Artorius, like, say...how you plan on killing your brother in law in about..." Sal casually checked his watch. "Thirty hours or so from now, give or take. Of course, Velvet didn't like that at all, I'm sure you knew she wouldn't, that's why you planned on tossing her down that hole with him if she tried to intervene."

Artorius quickly turned to his Malak. "Seres! Restrain that man! I have some questions for him!"

Seres gave a rapid, affirmative nod before she began casting. "BINDING ARTE!"

"NO YOU!" Sal shouted as he dually pointed at both Seres and Artorius. Suddenly, both Seres and Artorius were snarled up in a magical chain, completely unable to move.

"H-How did you?!" Seres cried out in disbelief.

"What sorcery is this?!" Artorius yelled as he fruitlessly struggled against the binding arte.

A gravity hammer suddenly appeared out of thin air and clattered to the ground at Sal's feet, which he picked up with a menacing grin.

"What are you doing?!" Series cried out as Sal walked behind Artorius, aligning him with a straight path towards a small clearing ahead.

"Sorry, Seres." Sal muttered apologetically as he winded up a powerful swing with the gravity hammer.

The hammer let out an earth-shaking pulse as it slammed directly into Artorius' torso, sending him flying towards the forest clearing as he let out a blood-curdling scream. He flew into the ground and skidded several feet, leaving a trail of mud and dirt through the grass. The hammer disappeared out of Sal's hand and was replaced with a large terminal.

Friendly Predator Missile in the air.

A ball of fire suddenly whizzed down from the heavens and slammed directly into Artorius, the ground shook with the massive explosion as Sal and Seres were pelted with chunks of dirt.

Friendly AC-130 above.

Suddenly a loud bang sounded from far above, and a moment later another projectile slammed into the smoking crater where Artorius had been, once again shaking the earth with a massive explosion.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Before the smoke could clear of the repeated shelling, a massive burst of automatic cannon fire decimated the smoldering crater once again, firing until the gun was empty. The plane then blinked out of existence as quickly as it had appeared.

Tactical Nuke ready for deployment.

"Nope-No, that's too far..." Sal dismissed the notification as he tossed the terminal aside, it too blinking out of existence the moment it hit the ground. "Alright, that's one down." Sal said conclusively as he took of running towards Aball, punching another code into the device on his wrist.

spawn omega_elixir

"You...You won't get away with this!" Seres angrily shouted after him as Sal disappeared into the trees.


"That little scamp...He just knew I'd be reading this, didn't he?" Velvet silently muttered to herself.

Suddenly, the door to her house bursted open, causing Velvet to let out a panicked gasp as she quickly extended the blade out of her gauntlet.

"Who are you?! What do you want?!" Velvet shouted at the stranger.

"Medicine delivery for a Laphicet Crowe. Sorry for the entrance, I was told that it was a matter of life or death by my contact." Sal quickly explained.

Velvet quickly sheathed the blade as she let out a relieved sigh, clasping her hand against her chest.

"Knock next time! Do you have any idea how close you just came to getting a knife through the chest?!"

"Right, sorry, but if this stuff works there won't be a next time." Sal quickly replied.

"What do you mean by that?" Velvet inquired.

"Your brother suffers from a fever every twelve days, correct?"

"Yes...that's right."

"He has the twelve year sickness, he will die on his twelfth birthday." Sal bluntly explained

Velvet's eyes shot open and she let out a gasp. "W-Wha?!..."

"Like I said, life or death, now stand aside, I've got an Omega Elixir right here I was instructed to give to him."

"A-Alright...Laphicet! Come here this instant!" Velvet shakily called for Laphicet, still reeling from the shock.

"Velvet...What is it?..." Laphicet groggily strolled into the living room, rubbing his eyes.

"This man has medicine for you! Take it this instant!" Velvet commanded.

"More medicine?...But...I don't wanna..."

"No buts!" Velvet stomped authoritatively

"But...What if it tastes bad?"

Sal sighed and stomped on Laphicet's foot, causing his mouth to swing open like the lid of a trash can. Sal swiftly popped the cork off the small bottle and dumped the contents down Laphicet's throat before letting off his foot, which prompted his jaw to slowly swing closed.

"My...My fever's gone...I fell better!...I feel great! Thanks mister!" Laphicet eagerly cried out.

Sal turned to Velvet. "Oh, and Tomboys are great, your brother just has shit taste."

"What?! Hey!" Laphicet snapped

"Alright, that's off the list." Sal callously tossed the bottle aside and briskly walked out the front door.

"Hey, wait!" Velvet called out and chased after him.

"How much do I owe? Who even are you anyways?!" Velvet yelled as she ran outside to find Sal standing a distance away from the house, holding a bundle of Frag Grenades. He quickly yanked the pins out and dumped them at his feet.

"Uh...You might want to stand back...way back." Sal warned Velvet.

"Uh...Alri-" Velvet was cut off by a booming explosion that launched Sal straight into the air.

Velvet gasped in shock as she saw him fly off into the air, growing smaller and smaller into he disappeared into the evening sky. She could only stand there speechless, completely dumbfounded by the series of events that just unfolded.

"What. The. Hell..."


Melchior had just walked in to his guest room at the Loegres Castle and gotten settled in. All of the plans were set in motion, all that needed to happen now was for Artorius to fulfill his end of the deal. Then, the Abbey would be established, and they would be on their way to quelling the Daemon threat for good with Innominat's return.

Sudden, a loud crash caused him to nearly jump out of his robe. He turned to find a man-sized hole had been smashed straight through the wall facing onto the city, a man lay sprawled out on the ground just before it among the rubble. To Melchior's surprise, the man quickly sprang to his feet, seemingly completely uninjured from the impact.

"What's the meaning of this? Who are you?! How did you even get in here?!" Melchior was completely aghast by the display.

"I'm from the catering service, I came to deliver your meal." Sal replied.

As Melchior opened his mouth to say something, Sal quickly jammed a block of C4 straight into it, firmly wedging it in his esophagus.

"Eat up, fatty." Sal commanded as Melchior helplessly gagged on the forbidden playdough.

Pure hatred and malice filled Melchior's eyes as Sal pulled out a small detonator and made his way back to the hole in the wall.

"Hey now, don't be like that, look on the bright side - my first thought was to shove it up your ass, but then I realized...that would be just as unpleasant for me as it would for you." Sal said smugly before leaping out of the hole in the wall.

Melchior let out one last scream of both rage and agony as a small chime sounded from the bomb lodged in his throat. A massive explosion rocked the castle, taking out a large portion of the side that the room was located on. Melchior's remains, if you could even call them remains, resembled the contents of a bowl of Campbell's Chunky Beef Soup that had exploded in the microwave.

Sal cackled menacingly, admiring his handiwork as the guards and firefighters rushed to the scene, before punching in a new set of coordinates into the device.

"One last thing, then I'm done here."


"Ladies and gentlemen, I have gathered you all here to witness the next Scarlet Night that will be cast upon the Earthly realm! Bear witness as those pathetic, malevolent humans and our traitorous ilk squirm as they are overwhelmed with the poison of their own making!" The Seraph leader announced to the crowd of other high ranking Seraphim that had gathered in the lavish ballroom somewhere up in the Seraph realm.

Sal warped in just behind the door leading into the room where all the high ranking Seraphs had gathered, and a couple of seconds later, an M240B clattered to the floor in front of him. He chuckled eagerly to himself like a kid on Christmas morning.

***Infinite Ammo - ON***

"Remember - No Seraph." Sal laughed to himself as he swung the large door open.

The plethora of esteemed guests turned to face the new arrival one by one, and the sounds of chatter quickly faded into a deafening silence as Sal aligned the muzzle with the crowd of Seraphim - and pulled back the trigger.

A deafening roar shook the whole ballroom as Sal let loose an endless barrage of .308. Bullets pierced the helpless crowd as they were turned into mincemeat, screams and wails filled the hall as the crowd fell like dominoes. Nobody in that room stood a chance. When every individual had fallen to the floor, Sal let loose another barrage into the piles of bodies to make sure that everybody who was on the ground stayed there for good.

After a few brief minutes, the gunshots and screams faded, and Sal made his way through the sea of dead bodies and shell casings to the base of the perch where the Seraph leader had been standing a few minutes prior. The M240 was promptly replaced with an M320 grenade launcher, which Sal fired at the support column, careening the perch downwards and sending the Seraph leader helplessly crashing to the ground in front of him. The Seraph leader trembled in shock and anger as he rose to his feet.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!" The Seraph leader snarled through gnashed teeth.

"Sal Fensert. I'm nobody...And everybody..." Sal replied calmly.

"What?!" The Seraph bellowed out, his face contorting into confusion and disbelief as an awkward silence filled the room.

"...You know, that sounded a lot cooler in my head..." Sal finally spoke, another period of awkward silence followed before Sal shook his head and pulled out a small nutcracker. "...Release the curse of Malevolence you've casted among the earthly realm that turns Humans into Daemons and Malakhim into dragons, and I won't crush your testicles with this here nutcracker."

"I will never bow before you, human! Do what you must! I will never do your bidding!" The Seraph shouted out in defiance.

"As you wish."

Within a couple of minutes, the Seraph had been bound to a chair and felt the pressure mounting on his right nut as the nutcracker slowly clamped down onto it. A searing, agonizing pain began to shoot through his legs. He gnashed his teeth together, trying to fight through the pain and push the thoughts of what would come next out of his mind - but he couldn't.

Finally, just before the pressure hit its breaking point, the Seraph spoke.

"OKAY! OKAY! I'LL DO IT!...PLEASE...JUST...DON'T CRUSH MY BALLS!" The Seraph cried out in desperation.

In the couple short minutes that followed, gun to his head, the Seraph casted an art that lifted the curse from the earthly realm. Daemons and Dragons alike were all turned back into their respective forms, and no longer would humans and malaks be cursed. The Daemon threat had officially been ended practically overnight.

"There...I did it." The Seraph somberly spoke in a defeated tone.

"Splendid, thanks for your cooperation." Sal deadpanned as he moved his finger into the trigger guard of his pistol.

"Wait! You said-"

"I said I wouldn't crush your balls." Sal replied bluntly as he pulled the trigger, the bullet pierced straight through the Seraph's skull and he lifelessly crumpled straight to the ground. Sal turned the gun on the Seraph's corpse and put two extra rounds through its head for good measure to make sure that he was gone for good.

"And that's a wrap. My work here is done." Sal punched the coordinates for home into the device, and warped out in an instant.

And then it was over.