Sometimes you really, really want to write a smutty oneshot and the first thing that occurs to you is church sex. In this story, rather than encountering the Doctor as the caretaker, Danny Pink encounters our favorite alien as, well... read on to find out.
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Of all the places that Danny could have dragged Clara to on an exceptionally rainy day, it had to have been church. She had not expected the man to be religious, but it seemed that he was full of surprises. Service wouldn't start for another hour or so, but there was a reason why they were so damn early. Danny wanted to introduce her to the new priest, Father Smith. According to Danny, the local church gossip was that Mr. Hobbs had thrown his 18-year-old daughter out of his home and disowned her for being a lesbian. Father Smith's apparent response to that was to choose a sermon with a choice of biblical verses that passive-aggressively shamed Mr. Hobbs for his treatment of his daughter. It seemed that the new priest was a bit more interesting, not to mention more open minded, than the last one. Of course, that was the last thing on Clara's mind. It was a bit more difficult to focus on the man who was standing with her because another man kept flitting into her thoughts. He was on her mind a lot of the time, including the times she had rather guiltily let her hand drift between her legs in the shower. The man in question was a certain Time Lord who just happened to be her best friend. Danny's voice suddenly broke Clara from her thoughts. "You seem to have a lot on your mind lately." he said observantly.
"Yeah, I guess." Clara said absently.
"Maybe confessing would do you some good?" the maths teacher suggested
"Confession?" Clara echoed. "As in with the priest, in a box?"
"Yeah." Danny was silent for a moment before he himself confessed, "I actually arranged for it to happen. Confession, that is. It's not that I don't trust you. I just think that it might do you some good."
"Danny..." Clara groaned.
"Just to get whatever is bothering you off your chest." Danny explained. "Whatever is said stays between you and Father Smith."
That was what led to her being in a box, with a screen between herself and Father Smith, whose face she had not yet seen. The English teacher took a deep, deep breath before speaking. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." she let out an empty chuckle. "a while since my last confession."
She drummed her fingers against her thigh before blurting, "I'm sorry- it's been a while and I'm not sure if I remember how to do this."
A gravelly, oddly familiar voice spoke up from the other side of the screen- presumably Father Smith. "It's fine. Just speak your thoughts."
"Okay." Clara said. She took a deep breath and began to confess. "I'm kind of seeing a man right now, but my thoughts have been unfaithful. You see, I have this best friend, his name is the Doctor, and I'm having what you might call 'impure thoughts' about him."
There was a sharp inhale from the other side of the screen. "Father, are you all right?" Clara asked.
"I'm fine." Father Smith quickly said. There was a brief silence before the mystery priest asked, "What... are these thoughts that you've been having?"
"We're in his... house." Clara replied. "He embraces me and we start kissing. He worships me with his hands and he slowly undresses me..."
She hesitated for a moment. It might have been Clara's imagination, but the priest's voice came out a touch hoarser when he said "Continue."
"He lifts me onto his... desk and he touches me between the legs, teasing me before he brings his lips to my center and tastes me." Clara said softly.
Father Smith exhaled loudly and it sounded like he had moved around a bit. "What does he do next?"
"He devours me until I climax." Clara said quietly. "Then he takes himself out of his trousers and enters me. He makes love to me with powerful strokes and strokes my clit until..."
"Until what?"
"Until I explode around him and seconds later, he empties himself inside me." Clara finished.
It was probably Clara's imagination, but she could have sworn that Father Smith had let out a whimpered grunt. In a slightly breathless voice, he said, "Nurture and care for those around you. Pray for your friend. May God give you pardon and peace and, and I absolve you from your sins. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Now go in peace, my child. Please... just go."
Clara nodded and got up from her seat before leaving. It had been so long since her last confession that she really wasn't sure how it was supposed to go, but that was a little on the strange side. Of course, she had seen things much stranger in her travels with the Doctor. Telling a priest that she wanted to shag the living daylights out of her best friend probably wasn't as weird as being propositioned to by a sentient vine, or as weird as the Doctor being even more rude than usual to said vine. She never really could understand that one.
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Upon heading into another room at the church, Clara was met with the sight of an older woman talking to Danny. It seemed rather intimate, especially considering how brazenly she was flirting with him. The older woman caressed Danny's arm and leaned in to whisper something into his ear. To make things worse, the former soldier didn't even seem to be bothered by it. Clara clenched her eyes shut and stormed off. It took her about seven minutes to find the loo. She ripped the door open and stormed in, unaware that someone else was in there. She just got the barest glimpse of silver but the lights went off before she could see the person's face. Startled, she groped around in the darkness until she found herself touching a shirt. She felt up the shirt until she reached what she could only assume was a clerical collar. "Father Smith, is that you?" Clara asked quietly.
"Yes." Father Smith replied. "You're Clara, right?"
"You know my name?" the petite brunette was surprised.
"Mr. Pink spoke of you." the priest hastily replied.
Clara swore that she had heard his voice, but she just couldn't place it, especially here in the dark. There was a bit of silence before Father Smith spoke up. "I think the power is out."
"Yeah, probably." Clara said absently.
The sound of trousers being zipped permeated the silence. Clara felt her cheeks heat up with embarrassment when she realised that she had walked in on the priest in the middle of him urinating. "Were you..." she was unable to finish the sentence.
"Yeah." Father Smith replied.
"Sorry." Clara said hastily.
"So..." the priest dragged on the word before finishing. "Do you mind explaining why you walked in on me doing my business, so to speak?"
"I didn't mean to, I swear!" Clara said desperately.
She turned around and tried to push the door open, but it would not budge. She jiggled the handle a bit. She felt around for a while before realising it. "The lock is broken."
The priest hissed something in what could have been swearing in a language that Clara did not recognize, but it could have very easily been something else. She heard the sound of footsteps approaching her. The silence seemed to last forever before Father Smith spoke up again. "So, the reason why you're in here..."
She was standing so close to the priest that she could smell him. Again, there was something strangely familiar about it. She decided to come clean. "I saw Danny and another woman flirting."
"And you were jealous of him?" the priest sounded slightly annoyed.
"Yeah." Clara admitted. "Sometimes I feel like he doesn't appreciate you."
"Maybe your friend would appreciate you more if Mr. Pink seeks out other women." Father Smith blurted out.
Clara raised a brow. "Father?"
"Sorry." the priest said hastily. "It was none of my business."
"I should probably apologise." Clara sighed. "I should have spoken of something else."
"You were-" Father Smith tried to say, but a loud crack of thunder muffled his voice.
Said thunder startled Clara. On reflex, she hugged the priest and buried her face into his chest. "Um... about the hugging..." he said awkwardly.
"Sorry." Clara said, her voice muffled by his shirt.
"You might want to let go." Father Smith suggested.
"Right now?" the English teacher questioned.
"Right now would be best." the priest replied.
Clara reached down to try to find his hand and asked, "Why right now- oh."
Instead of finding his hand, she had found the front of his trousers and could feel a definite hardness there. She gripped it to confirm it. Completely stunned, she couldn't bring herself to move. She could feel the priest panting into her ear. "What..." Clara said quietly.
"I'd recommend letting go of that unless you plan on doing something with it." Father Smith blurted.
"Doing something?" the English teacher questioned.
She heard the priest swallow loudly. She assumed that he had nodded. Immediately, the thought of Danny with that older woman came into her mind. She felt the bitter pang of jealousy once more. He was probably out in his car shagging that woman and here she was with the priest's erect manhood in her hand and no idea what to do next. She then became aware of Father Smith rubbing himself against her hand. "Sorry." he muttered.
It was then that Clara decided. If Danny was having sex at church, what was stopping her? She wasn't really the religious type. What should it matter to her that this was the priest? She gave Father Smith's length a gentle squeeze, which resulted in him letting out a strangled moan. "None of this leaves this room." Clara stated firmly.
"You got it, boss." the priest said absently.
Something about the way Father Smith had called her 'boss' rang familiar, but she didn't really think about it. She released the priest and buried her fingers into his hair before pulling him down to claim his lips. The way he kissed her back was hesitant, almost shy at first, but when she gently bit him in the lip, all of that shyness was gone. It was replaced with an intense passion as their tongues tangled and fought for dominance. Before long, Father Smith had her pinned to the door and was grinding his manhood against her. She pulled back to catch her breath before reaching down and palming the priest's erection once more. She quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his trousers and pulled his erection free. She then helped the priest remove her knickers. Seconds later, she felt his fingers slip between her folds. "Oh, Clara, you are absolutely soaking." he said with a strange amount of awe in his voice.
She felt him slide his fingers around, lubricating them with his wetness before penetrating her. He felt him caress her from the inside, his thumb pressed against her clit. The lavatory was filled with wet noises as Father Smith pleasured Clara with his hand. After a while, to her dismay, the priest pulled his fingers from her. From the sound he made next, it sounded like he was tasting his fingers. "You are ready for me." he stated huskily.
Clara responded to this by wrapping her legs around his waist. They panted against each other before the priest finally spoke. "None of this leaves this room?"
The English teacher nodded. "None of it."
Father Smith then guided his length into her with a loud groan. It once again occurred to Clara Oswald that she was having sex in a church bathroom with the priest, of all people. Of course, that stopped mattering when he began to move. She pushed back against every thrust as they coupled against the door. One particularly hard thrust pushed her so hard against the door that she was worried that it might bruise. She yanked Father Smith's clerical collar from his shirt, unbuttoned said shirt, and proceeded to pepper his chest with kisses. He, of course, returned the favor, only every now and then he would nip her as well. When he hit that spot that was just right, she couldn't entirely stifle a moan. Soon, his pace began to grow more erratic. She realised that he was getting very, very close. He seemed to know it as well because, like a gentleman, he reached between her legs and brought his fingers to her clitoris. He rubbed it in time with his thrusts until finally, Clara fell apart around him. Seconds later, Father Smith buried his face into her shoulder to muffle a strangled groan as he ejaculated into the depths of her. Then the only sound was their breathing. Clara felt Father Smith claim one last lingering kiss from her before withdrawing from her. There was the sound of a zip as he put himself away. The English teacher quickly cleaned herself up and buttoned her blouse, slipped her knickers back on, and straightened out her skirt. It was then that the power came back on and when Clara saw the face of the man she had known as Father Smith, she realized why so many things about him seemed familiar. Her brown eyes met his blue-grey ones as she whisper-yelled, "Doctor?!"
"Uh..." For once, the Time Lord seemed to be at a loss for words.
A lot of questions could have come to Clara's mind- why they had just had sex would have been important one- but the only one that she could think of slipped out of her mouth. "Why the hell are you a priest?"
"Language." the Doctor replied. "The last priest was an alien. I stuck around because I was bored. I was going to 'retire' in two weeks on this planet."
"Oh." Clara said simply.
She grabbed the door's handle and leaned back a bit. To her surprise, the door opened. They hadn't been locked in. She had just been pushing the door when she was supposed to pull it. "So, ah..." the Doctor said awkwardly. "None of this leaves this room?"
Clara nodded. "None of it."
She then stuck her head out the door, looked around, and saw that no one was there. Quietly, she left to maybe find Danny.
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When Clara found her supposed boyfriend, she saw that his clothes were in disarray. She even spotted lipstick on his collar. The English teacher frowned and asked, "Where have you been?"
The maths teacher shifted awkwardly from one leg to another before he finally blurted, "Mabel and I-"
"I can tell." Clara said flatly.
There was a long silence before Danny was the one to speak up. "I suppose this is it for us, then."
"Yep." Clara nodded.
"See you at work?" Danny asked.
"See you at work." Clara replied.
Clara then left the church, leaving behind Danny and all of the strangeness of that morning. The Doctor had been impersonating a priest and he'd had sex with her in the dark. Strangely enough, she wasn't as upset about it as she thought she would be. She'd had her fair share of fantasies about her favorite Time Lord but this one definitely topped all of them. Sure, the knowledge of what happened would not leave the room. However, that didn't mean that Clara wouldn't find out ways to make her other fantasies come true- and judging from the look in the Doctor's eyes as she passed him, he wouldn't mind either.
