BRANDON ROAD / .COM

THE OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE

The OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE. An origin story.

EpiSODE 2: IT'S NOT WHO YOU ARE here BUT it's WHY YOU ARE here.

By

Brandon Road.

FAde In:

INTRO

INT. MONDAY 10AM. Coference room

BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE DEVON, MEREDITH, WILLIAM LINED UP SEATED AND FACING THE SINGLE CAMERA. THEIR BACKS ARE TO THE WINDOW OVERLOOKING THE OFFICE (THE CLASSIC VIEW WE ALL CAME TO KNOW AND LOVE). THEY HAVE JUST ABOUT STARTED TO FILM THEIR INTRODUCTIONS.

CHRIS

Okay everyone. We are all set. Just remember to look at me and be normal. This is just a quick introduction. Don't overthink it. We will start at the left with you DEVON, then MEREDITH then lastly WILLIAM.

CHRIS nods to BOBBY and REX to indicate he is ready to begin filming.

CHRIS

Please state your name and what you do here at DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON and feel free to add your own little personal spin on it. These intros will be used at the beginning of the video. Again, don't over think it. Speak clearly. Speak honestly. Do that and you'll be fine.

The camera is shooting from the waist up on. The quality is as expected in a 1998 Video Camera. The interviewees are looking off camera to CHRIS who is standing directly behind it.

The interviews are being seen through the camera lens.

devon

My name is DEVON and I'm a Customer Service Rep. here at DUNDER MIFFLIN. I've often looked up to the night sky and asked myself "Why am I here. Is there a bigger plan at play for me?" So. I decided I'm actually heading out on holidays for the month! Going to visit all the dark viewing areas in the USA and try and discover a new star!

CHRIS waves his hand to DEVON.

CHRIS (off camera)

Hey DEVON. Don't need the theatrics. Just keep it simple buddy. Let's take that one from the top. I'll count you in. Three, Two . . .

DEVON seems annoyed by CHRIS's comment but obliges. His next response has zero enthusiasm and he speaks it in monotone.

DEVON

Hello. I'm DEVON. I and a Customer Service Rep here at DUNDER MIFFLIN.

DEVON stops and looks to CHRIS. CHRIS nods at DEVON. DEVON shakes his head; clearly still annoyed.

CAMERA PANS TO MEREDITH

MEREDITH

My name is MEREDITH and I am a Customer Service Rep. This is my 2nd year. It's also been my 2nd longest job and my – wait -

MEREDITH looks upwards and begins to count in her head.

MEREDITH (cont)

Nope. My 3rd longest. IF you count being a mistress BUT don't count being a seamstress.

REX goes wide-eyed in shock. CHRIS leans to him and whispers intended only for REX.

CHRIS

Uhh, we'll just cut that part out in post.

MEREDITH overhears CHRIS's comment and speaks up.

MEREDITH

Uh. Excuse me. Why? I ain't ashamed. If you wanna talk track records – let me tell ya I got a good one. In fact, I do hold a couple records around town like -

CHRIS looks at REX. REX looks at MEREDITH.

CAMERA PANS TO WILLIAM SLOWLY.

MEREDITH (off camera)

Whatever, squares.

WILLIAM's head appears in the frame.

WILLIAM

My name is CREED BRATTON. I take care of the Quality and the Sure Ants here at DUNDER MIFFLIN. If it wasn't for this job, I'd be doing full time scuba diving lessons in the harbour.

CHRIS looks at REX and BOBBY. WILLIAM continues to smile nonchalant. BOBBY checks his notes.

BOBBY

I don't have a CREED BRATTON on my list . . .

CHRIS

Uhh, WILLIAM . . . can you please state your real name.

WILLIAM

CREED. BRATTON.

WILLIAM doesn't flinch. He sees the disbelief on BOBBY, CHRIS and REX's face so he continues but he is more serious in his delivery.

WILLIAM (CREED)

Ok. Well. You see. I have an imposter who is trying to steal my identity. It looks like he may have already infiltrated that list of yours and could be amongst us. My advice to you is to get rid of that list, forget you ever heard the name WILLIAM and next time be a little more careful. Ok?

Everyone in the room looks at CREED.

MEREDITH

For what it is worth, I have never heard anyone call you WILLIAM.

CREED

You know why MARY-BETH? It's because I'm not the imposter.

CREED taps his temple with his finger. MEREDITH looks at CREED; stunned. CREED continues.

CREED

I don't know what list you have but the man who says he is WILLIAM is an imposter. He is reckless and poses a serious threat to your safety.

CHRIS is still unsure if this is a joke. CREED turns to MEREDITH.

CREED

So, how about it MARY-BETH. Want to split my potato casserole for lunch?

MEREDITH scoffs.

MEREDITH

I don't think so.

CREED doesn't miss a beat.

CREED

A think is not a know . . . or a say. I'll save you a slice. You know where I'll be.

MEREDITH leans forward and looks at CREED with a bewildered look on her face. CREED smiles.

END SCENE.

OPENING CREDITS ROLL

INT. 11:30AM. CONFERENCE ROOM

DEVON, MEREDITH, CREED HAVE LEFT AND ARE REPLACED WITH THE FINANCE DEPT. (ANGELA AND OSCAR) AND HUMAN RESOURCES (TOBY). THEY ARE SEATED EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE PREVIOUS GROUP AND HAVE BEEN BRIEFED THE EXACT SAME. THE GROUP IS ANTSY TO GET GOING ON THE INTERVIEWS.

The interviews are being seen through the camera lens.

ANGELA

My name is ANGELA. I am an Accountant here at DUNDER MIFFLIN.

ANGELA looks off to REX who is standing on the other side of CHRIS.

angela

Is that good enough?

ANGELA has her arms crossed and is clearly unimpressed. CHRIS nods and gives her the thumbs up. ANGELA gets up and walks out of the conference room. CHRIS shrugs at BOBBY.

CAMERA PANS TO OSCAR

OSCAR

Hello. My name is OSCAR. I am an Accountant.

OSCAR tries to smile, and it appears awkward and forced.

The camera stays focused on OSCAR. He uncomfortably continues.

OSCAR

I have studied ACCOUNTING at Penn State and currently hold a Bachelor of -

CAMERA PANS TO TOBY as OSCAR CONTINUES TO TALK. HE NOTICES THAT AND TRAILS OFF.

OSCAR (OFF CAMERA)

Oh. Ok.

TOBY's head comes into the screen. He is staring dead at the camera. Not blinking.

TOBY

Hi.

TOBY sheepishly waves at the camera. He looks to BOBBY off camera.

TOBY

This is so cool. I have a friend in my building who has a camera. So hip and cool.

CHRIS motions to TOBY to "Talk". TOBY turns his attention back to the camera. He adjusts himself in his seat and clears his throat.

TOBY

Action. I've always wanted to do that . . .

TOBY's voice trails off. He smiles and snickers at his own joke. No one else laughs. An anxious look grows on his face. He re-adjusts in his chair.

TOBY

My name is TOBY. I am the HR Rep for DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON.

TOBY smiles at the camera and fidgets in his chair.

TOBY

My department was gifted the computer from corporate and I plan to educate everyone on it. It's neat.

TOBY smiles again. CHRIS gives him the thumbs up.

REX

And that's a wrap! Thanks, you three.

REX looks to his notes and then back to TOBY.

REX

Could you send in the Sales Team next?

Everyone goes to get up. TOBY makes his way over to the Camera crew. He puts his left hand in his pocket and with his right hand he glides his fingers down the side of the camera kind of creepily.

TOBY

Maybe when you three are done you could come down to HR and we can mess around with the camera?

CHRIS smiles.

CHRIS

Perhaps.

TOBY grins. The two men continue to work. TOBY speaks again.

TOBY

So. Have you heard of the beer: I.P.A's?

REX, who is busy reviewing the group's story line doesn't look up to TOBY. He continues to flip through the file. TOBY awkwardly proceeds.

TOBY

I have been into this cool thing called homebrewing. We make our own beers. We meet on the 2nd Thursday of the Month. I made my own I.P.A. That stands for India Pale Ale. It's a bit crunchy and tastes like gas but . . .

BOBBY whips around and smiles at TOBY. BOBBY is clearly not worried about anything TOBY is saying.

BOBBY

HEY! Cool! Yeah. That's awesome, TOBY. Absolutely! However, we got a lot to do yet. I think we'll eventually get back to your department and film you on the computer. One step at a time. For now, we're pretty busy!

TOBY smiles.

TOBY

Maybe we can split one of my bottles. I bottle condition it myself in my garage. I just made this last I.P.A with cascade hops . . . do you know what cascade hops are?

CHRIS sets down his notes and looks directly at TOBY.

chris

Do I look like I know what a cascade hop is.

TOBY puts both his hands in his pockets and shrugs sheepishly.

TOBY

I don't know. Thought maybe you would.

CHRIS

Well. I don't. So. Anyways. Maybe when we get a chance to get back to see you, we can chat more on your I. or whatever.

TOBY

I'm looking forward to it.

As TOBY turns to leave, he bumps into MICHAEL who is standing in the door.

MICHAEL

Ugh. Don't tell me he's trying to get you to try one of those damn crap beers. All we ever hear about is crap beer this, crap beer that . . . give it up.

TOBY goes to pass MICHAEL, but he stops and looks to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX.

TOBY

It's not crap beer. It's craft beer.

MICHAEL shakes his head and looks to the PBS guys.

MICHAEL

Well. Most crafts are crap anyway.

TOBY exhales; defeated.

TOBY

I didn't think you'd go that low to make fun of something I enjoy. I've never done that to you.

MICHAEL looks directly at TOBY with the classic stern upset look on his face that only TOBY's presence can spawn.

MICHAEL

You have no idea how low I can go.

MICHAEL pauses for dramatic effect. TOBY doesn't engage. MICHEAL then looks to REX.

MICHAEL

That's settled. Ok. Save the best for last eh?

MICHAEL turns and high-fives STANLEY and DWIGHT but stops at PHYLLIS. As she goes to meet his high-five, he shakes her hand instead very awkwardly.

MICHAEL

Yeah! Team Sales!

As TOBY goes to pass through, DWIGHT hisses like a cat and MICHAEL recoils. STANLEY and PHYLLIS do nothing. MICHAEL leans out to the office and yells:

MICHAEL

The creature from HR has emerged! Hide your children for it looks hungry!

TOBY's demeanor doesn't change. He simply walks by and returns to the HR dept. The 4 salesmen head into the conference room and sit down. REX notices PHYLLIS, whom they haven't been introduced.

REX

Hi, I'm REX and this is BOBBY and CHRIS.

As they are shaking hands, STANLEY, MICHAEL, and DWIGHT sit down.

DWIGHT

Do we need a bible to swear on? This deposition is being filmed of course but in what capacity will you be using it against me?

BOBBY looks directly at DWIGHT.

BOBBY

Nope. Just need you to look at CHRIS and state who you are and what you do here and a little personal spin. Pretty straight-forward. We will be using these shots at the beginning of the video to build rapport and familiarity with the audien- I mean – your fellow employees at the other branches.

DWIGHT seems unconvinced.

DWIGHT

Sounds like we need a bible to swear on. How will you know I'm telling the truth?

REX

Nope. No bible DWIGHT. No need to lie.

STANLEY adjusts his suit jacket and without looking to DWIGHT he responds.

STANLEY

Drop the bible talk DWIGHT.

DWIGHT scoffs.

DWIGHT

Bible talk? Ha.

DWIGHT stands up and speaks to the ceiling.

DWIGHT

And on the 8th Day! He rose from the Prayer Chair and He rested! For He had doth madeth himself –

STANLEY interrupts.

STANLEY

7th Day. He rested on the 7th day, DWIGHT.

DWIGHT pauses for a moment and continues to look at the ceiling. He doesn't look to STANLEY as he responds.

DWIGHT

Perhaps your GOD did . . . but mine worked an extra day.

STANLEY shakes his head and looks to CHRIS.

STANLEY

Ok! Let's get this on the road so we can get back to selling paper! Are we ready guys? My quota ain't gonna make itself. "MY LORD" knows I need that bonus check.

STANLEY flexes his arms and looks down to his admire them. He quietly remarks to himself:

STANLEY(to self)

Your man needs a few shirts tailored for these pythons. Don't worry girls . . . Daddy will dress you up real nice.

CHRIS looks at BOBBY. BOBBY slowly turns to REX who nods. CHRIS gives STANLEY the thumbs up. A few minutes pass as the men are setting up the camera.

CHRIS

Alright. STANLEY. We are good to go. Take it away my good sir. 3…2..1…

The interviews are being seen through the camera lens.

STANLEY

STANLEY HUDSON. SALES. DUNDER MIFFLIN.

STANLEY winks then flexes at the camera.

STANLEY

1% body fat on this machine. I'm a lean, mean paper selling machine. Dial extension 107 for me. STANLEY HUDSON. Paper salesman extraordinaire.

CAMERA PANS TO PHYLLIS. PHYLLIS IS SMILING EAR TO EAR.

PHYLLIS

PHYLLIS. I'm in Sales here at DUNDER MIFFLIN.

MICHAEL's head pops into the shot but only his eyes and forehead are visible.

MICHAEL

Office hotty! Ask anyone! Everyone knows it!

PHYLLIS blushes and swats MICHAEL away.

PHYLLIS

I've got 3 years of sales experience and a life long experience in being a good human.

CAMERA PANS TO MICHAEL. MICHAEL HAS HIS HANDS CLASPED. HIS INDEX FINGERS ARE TO THE BASE OF HIS NOSE. HE POINTS BOTH FINGERS TOGETHER AT THE CAMERA.

MICHAEL

MICHAEL SCOTT. DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON. Salesmen of the Year. "Back to Back". Uhh. I've sold more paper than anyone I know. Or anyone who knows me. In fact, I may be the greatest paper salesmen known to me. I know a lot of people and I'm sure a lot of people know me from knowing them. That's a lot of people –

MICHAEL stops to think. He looks off to BOBBY.

MICHAEL

You know what. . . I wish I could keep record of people's faces. In a book. Like a Book of Faces so to speak. I'd call it MICHAEL'S Book of Faces. I could add people, stop talking or . . . BLOCK people I don't like and it would be all done on my DREAM WALL. That would be so cool.

CAMERA PANS TO DWIGHT. DWIGHT IS STARING DEAD INTO THE CAMERA LENS.

DWIGHT

DWIGHT K. SCHRUTE. Anything I say or will say cannot be used against me in a court of law. I haven't sworn an oath.

MICHAEL (off screen)

**fart noises** You going to lie about the farts too DWIGHT? Gosh. That's horrible. Worse than TOBY'S breath.

DWIGHT is not phased and continues to stare directly in the camera. He leans forward and his face to face with the lens.

DWIGHT

Listen DWIGHT of the future. If you are seeing this video, it means the machines won and we have been defeated atop the food chain. You were right all along! The only " " technology to survive was Braille! You knew it all along. Now, take that knowledge and develop Braille 2.0. Add "commas"! Brilliant! You're welcome! It will be the language of the World as the Computers scramble to understand it's basic nature! But please . . . DWIGHT of the future take heed. Y2K is real! Get MOSE, get ROLF and get to the bunker. We've stocked it with cured meats and the cream will have turned to cheese by now. Don't forget the beets! With haste! You won't have much time!

DWIGHT sits back and appears satisfied. CHRIS mouths to DWIGHT "Introduction". DWIGHT blinks slowly. MICHAEL snorts off camera.

MICHAEL (OFF SCREEN)

Those beets will be long rotten by now, DWIGHT. Good luck!

DWIGHT blinks slowly and looks dead to the camera again.

DWIGHT

Beets never rot. They ferment.

MICHAEL (off screen)

Huh?

DWIGHT draws a deep breath. As he exhales, he leans in toward the camera.

DWIGHT

I plead the 5th.

END SCENE.

INT. 1PM. MAIN OFFICE AREA.

BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE FINISHED WITH THE INTERVIEWS. THE SALES REPS. ARE LEAVING THE CONFERENCE ROOM. BOBBY IS FOLLOWING THE GROUP OUT THE DOOR.

BOBBY

Thanks so much everyone. We will be over to chat if we need anything else today.

As BOBBY enters the office area, a nerf football wizzes past and smashes into a filing cabinet. BOBBY ducks out of the way just in time. He looks to the direction it came from and there is a man with a horrible fake tan, blonde highlighted flowing hair and dressed like he's right out of Miami Vice. It is bravado traveling sales rep, TODD PACKER. ED TRUCK is on one knee in front of him – clearly acting as a place holder. MICHAEL is in front of the filing cabinet and has assumed the role of the goal post.

BOBBY

What the - that could have hit me!

TODD PACKER

If I wanted it to, I would of drilled ya in the pills nerd. This foot once booted free extra points, free field goals and free punts all in the first free minutes of a game. They called me FREE WAY TODD PACKER – but for more reasons than just on the field. Beat that nerd.

Having heard the racket outside the conference room, CHRIS and REX come out. REX looks to TODD PACKER and then looks to BOBBY.

REX

Who is that?

TODD PACKER stops abruptly and points directly at REX.

todd packer

My name is TODD PACKER. Who the hell are you noodle neck?

REX looks around anxiously and stutters out a response.

REX

My . . . name is . . R . . Rex.

TODD PACKER looks to REX unamused.

TODD PACKER

Whatever. I'm here to drop off my monthly expenses with Accounting, put a statement in with HR about some bogus allegation I parked the Coug' in a handicapped spot in and –

ED TRUCK stands up. MICHAEL is bouncing across the office overjoyed that TODD PACKER is there.

MICHAEL

Listen ya nerds. Leave The Packman alone.

MICHAEL goes to high five TODD PACKER who looks at him blankly. He puts on his sunglasses that were hanging on the collar of his shirt. He tilts them down and puts a match in his mouth.

TODD PACKER

Hey there, Scott. Lookin' fresh.

TODD PACKER waltzes past MICHAEL and heads over to ANGELA and OSCARS desks. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a crumpled mess of receipts.

TODD PACKER

That's all of 'em. There's one in there for a Roast Beef Dinner at the peelers . . . Foxy couldn't separate the drinks and dances from the food so . . . split that how you can. They didn't validate parking. OH! And the one in there from the pharmacy, let's keep that between us ok.

OSCAR shakes his head. ANGELA is equally as stunned.

ANGELA

TODD. I cannot accept this. This is totally unacceptable. How am I supposed to figure this all out? You know we have sheets to fill out and submit. We will eventually all be submitting these on a computer too. So. You better smarten up.

ANGELA rummages through the receipts. She stops and holds one up.

ANGELA

Come on. This one is handwritten, and it says: "Travel and Tourism Kiosk – Mall with hotty brunette that likes to talk about her stupid dog." The expense is for Applebee's which is spelt wrong by the way, there is no "Z" in it – AND it's for $321.98? How is this justifiable?

TODD PACKER tilts his head side to side and cracks his neck.

TODD PACKER

I've never closed a door without opening a window. Much like I've never closed a sale without opening a relationship. You get me?

ANGELA groans.

TODD PACKER

Listen. I keep a detailed journal of all my "records" and does it include the costs? When appropriate. Mostly cash deals. The odd charge to the card. I even have a friend that deals only in small coins. They call her Brit Coin. I'd show you my journal, but your head would explode into an ooey gooey pink puddle. One day you'll hear about my friend Brit Coin but not today. It's too soon. You wouldn't understand her.

ANGELA doesn't understand TODD PACKER's angle, so she shakes her head. Meanwhile, MICHAEL has made his way over to OSCAR and ANGELA. He takes a pair of reading glasses out of his fanny pack and tries to copy TODD PACKER's look.

MICHAEL

Maybe I should start a journal, PACK MAN? What do ya say?

TODD PACKER ignores MICHAEL. ANGELA looks at MICHAEL then at TODD PACKER. TODD PACKER smiles at her and twirls the match in his mouth.

TODD PACKER

Perfecto. Who knew the leading salesmen would get so much guff? You see the books ANGELA. You see that WAL-MART sale last week? I was working on that sale for 18 months.

TODD PACKER begins counting on his fingers.

TODD PACKER

Remind me how much that sale was? 1, 2, free . . . 4 . . . OH! 40 THOUSAND.

MICHAEL

Yeah ANGELA. A perfecto fresh 40 thousand. 'member?

TODD PACKER side glances at MICHAEL. ANGELA sees that she is not going to win the argument, so she looks past them to ED TRUCK across the office. ED TRUCK simply shrugs with his hands in his pockets. She shakes her head in defeat. OSCAR chimes in.

OSCAR

Actually, TODD. After we looked through the sale and pulled apart the discounts and the deductions and your expenses . . . not to mention your commission . . . the sale came in around only 10 thousand. We administered some quick math, and it looks like the sale was actually as loss for the company.

TODD PACKER looks to OSCAR.

TODD PACKER

You don't get it do you? No sale is ever a loss. It's a long game. Rome wasn't defeated in a day.

OSCAR continues but in a more definitive tone.

OSCAR

Ok. But if you continue doing these deals and if the company takes enough of these losses, we will eventually be bankrupt . . . and ROME will be defeated.

ED TRUCK interjects.

ED TRUCK

This sounds like something we can discuss in private later, ok TODD?

TODD PACKER turns to ED TRUCK.

TODD PACKER

You pay me to sell and sell I do. If we gotta review my standards because some bean counter says so . . . I guess we will. What ever happened to our policy "1, 2, Free"? ED TRUCK? We used to live our lives through sales and now we are neutered versions of ourselves. I got an empty sack! You're taking the Pack's Sack!

ED TRUCK seems shocked. OSCAR pipes up.

OSCAR

See. I thought I heard you incorrectly but now I'm curious. Are you saying 1,2 Free or 1,2,3? You've said it a few times and I want to know if it's a you thing or a me thing.

(Clearly, TODD PACKER pronounces his "th" sound in 3 as an "f" sound, causing confusion.) TODD PACKER spreads his arms and looks to ED TRUCK and then to OSCAR.

todd packer

Hey guy. I sell. 1, 2, Free.

OSCAR looks to ED TRUCK.

OSCAR

Still not sure there, TODD. Still sounds like free. Try saying this: 53.

TODD PACKER puts his hands on his hips.

TODD PACKER

Fifty-free.

OSCAR raises his hands to his temples and closes his eyes in annoyance. ANGELA speaks again.

ANGELA

Repeat after me TODD: "DUNDER MIFFLIN thanks you for your Order of 53 cases of 8.5x11 printer copy paper."

TODD PACKER scoffs but agrees.

TODD PACKER

DUNDER MIFFLIN thanks you for your Order of 50-FREE cases of 8.5x11 of printer copy paper."

ANGELA stares at TODD PACKER (classic annoyed ANGELA face) ED TRUCK finally speaks and tries to defend TODD PACKER.

ED TRUCK

I guess we have a classic of "THREE" or "FREE" on our hands. . . TODD, I think we need to discuss this.

CHRIS leans to REX and quietly whispers.

CHRIS

Is this guy for real?

TODD PACKER points again menacingly at CHRIS and REX.

TODD PACKER

Hey! Noddle neck! Shut it!

The office falls quiet. TODD PACKER slowly lowers his hand.

TODD PACKER

Good. Now. Where's TOBY. I gotta defend the Coug's honor. Some bozo gave me a parkin' ticket for parking on the wrong side of the road or in a handicap spot or both or something . . . I would of seen the sign but it was under my car. Little fender bender. . .

TODD PACKER turns to MICHAEL.

TODD PACKER

MICHAEL. Promise me that you'll never bend over backwards to the man and in some strange universe and for some unknown reason that you are in charge of this suck hole– clean house in the accounting department. Too much dead wood. I'm talking - chopping blocks.

TODD PACKER mimics a chopping motion with his hand. His eyes wide and nodding to the Accounting Dept. MICHAEL nods back.

TODD PACKER

Good. Chop the lot, SCOTT. Alright. Where the heck is that damn HR nerd, TOBY.

TODD PACKER huffs and heads back to HR. Meanwhile, BOBBY, CHRIS and REX have walked over to ED TRUCK.

bobby

ED. We must interview HIM! You can join as well.

At the XEROX machine behind reception, TED smashes his fist on the machine frustrated. He turns to the office.

TED

What do you want!? Don't you have any manners. I'm busy here! All this commotion. The blonde man, the football . . . so much stimulation. It's not good for my concentration you know?!

ED TRUCK slowly turns to TED.

ED TRUCK

TED, they were talking to me. Don't worry. You won't be needed.

TED

Needed for what? They haven't even told me who they are? What the hell is going on?

ED TRUCK turns to BOBBY.

ed truck

TODD PACKER and I will be in once he is finished with TOBY.

ted

HEY! OVER HERE! HELLO!

DWIGHT, who has been busy at his desk slams his phone down and turns to TED.

dwight

Raise your voice one more time at your superior and I will have you terminated! I have an extra grave dug at the stone pile and I have no problem filling it!

DWIGHT's outburst startles the entire office including TED. TED quickly turns back to the XEROX machine. DWIGHT acknowledges this and nods; satisfied. DWIGHT smiles.

DWIGHT

That's better. Now get back to work . . . doing whatever you do.

CREED has made his way to DWIGHT's desk and looks around suspiciously. He then speaks out of the side of his mouth to DWIGHT.

CREED

The scary copy-creature lurks alone, DWIGHT. He fears nothing and will devour us all. We best be setting a trap.

CREED side glances at DWIGHT with wide eyes. DWIGHT looks at CREED confused and a little scared.

creed

Trust me. I've dealt with creatures before. All kinds. The craziest thing is the wildest creature I've had to deal with has been . . . Guess what it is. Hint. It's human.

CREED taps DWIGHT's desk with his knuckles. He then heads back to his desk but stops. He turns to MICHAEL. MICHAEL is seated at his desk and is struggling to work while trying to peer over the reading glasses he put on to mimic TODD PACKER. CREED looks at MICHAEL and squints.

CREED

Who's the new guy?

END SCENE

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. 12:30PM.

TODD PACKER HAS FINISHED HIS MEETING WITH TOBY. HE AND ED TRUCK ARE SEATED READY FOR THEIR INTERVIEWS. THEY ARE QUIETLY TALKING AMONGST THEMSELVES. BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE RE-SET THE CAMERA AND ARE READY TO FILM THEIR INTERVIEWS.

CHRIS

OK. State your name. What do you do here. Everyone has been adding a personal flair to it. Don't over think it but ... you know-

REX interjects. He looks at TODD PACKER.

REX

Keep it PG.

The interviews are being seen through the camera lens.

TODD PACKER

TODD PACKER XAVIER PACKER. The First. Traveling sales demi-god. There isn't a paper I won't push and ain't done pushin' until you're satisfied. Find me on the road crusin' in the Coug searching for poon. I close sales. Break hearts. Set records.

REX chokes and coughs after TODD PACKER's response. TODD PACKER grins mischievously.

CAMERA PANS TO ED TRUCK BUT TODD PACKER REACHES OUT AND PANS IT BACK TO HIM.

TODD PACKER

Hey. I wasn't done. Here's my card. It's got my pager number on it. For . . . after-hours sales visits. I'm talking packages. Full. Packages. Thick. Girthy. Delectable packages.

REX swings the camera away from ED TRUCK.

CAMERA PANS TO ED TRUCK.

TODD PACKER chuckles and waves the camera off. ED TRUCK is looking at TODD PACKER with a concerned look. He shakes his head and looks back to the camera. He clears his throat and tightens his tie.

ED TRUCK

Hello. My name is ED TRUCK. I am the Regional Manager here at DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON. I'm the grease to this glorious machine.

Off Camera, TODD PACKER laughs.

TODD PACKER

Damn right EDDY! You greasy bastard. You taught me all the tactics. Like that one we used to reel in the Highschool PTA club . . . I bet your wife hasn't seen that move in quite some time. Isn't that right ED?

ED TRUCK

OK! Thanks TODD PACKER.

ED TRUCK looks at the camera and nods awkwardly.

TED

Ok, for the last time. What do you WANT!?

TED'S muffled voice is heard from on the other side of the windows to the conference room. His silhouette can be seen through the closed blinds. Has misheard his name called again. TED knocks the window with his knuckle.

TED

HEY! GUYS! I don't want to ask again, what do you want? Will someone tell me what's going on? I hate not knowing what's going on . . . it causes me to need to pee every 5 minutes. It's not fun!

TODD PACKER and ED TRUCK turn around and peer through the blinds. They see TED and quickly turn back. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX are confused and looking at them. ED TRUCK leans forward and whispers to the group.

ED TRUCK

It can hear us. Everyone remain calm and don't make a sound. Don't startle it.

END SCENE

INT. BREAK ROOM. AFTERNOON

BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE IN THE BREAKROOM EATING. THEY ARE SEATED AT THE FARTHEST TABLE FROM THE DOOR. THE THREE MEN HAVE WRAPPED UP ALL THE INTERVIEWS AND ARE HAVING A QUICK MEETING. THEY ARE ALL GIDDY.

REX

I take back what I said guys. This place is nuts. The footage we got today is going to be perfect! We haven't even scratched the surface yet! I can tell this project will come together beautifully.

CHRIS

I know! So many characters here. Like, that CREED guy with the imposter name? OH! And have you noticed the receptionist has been asleep this whole time?

REX and BOBBY look out to reception through the conference room glass. JUDY is out cold sleeping. On her desk is a sign that reads "Be right back – 5 minutes." CREED enters the room. He is carrying an envelope. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX look at him. CREED makes his way over to the group. He stands in front of them and hands BOBBY the envelope. BOBBY looks at it and then to CREED.

bobby

Thanks?

CREED bows.

CREED

You're very welcome, friend.

CREED continues over to the water fountain. He extends his left hand as if it were a cup. He hits the fountain, and it begins to spirt water into his hand. Once his hand is full, he turns to leave. Water is dripping everywhere as he sips from his hand.

CREED

Hydration, right?

CREED leaves the room still cupping his hands and water spilling. CHRIS and REX turn to BOBBY. BOBBY opens the envelope and drops the contents onto the table. It is a piece of CREED's Potato Skin casserole. He gifted it to BOBBY. CREED had also sprinkled paper shavings on it.

BOBBY

I don't know but I think it would be wise if I didn't eat this.

BOBBY scoops the food into the garbage can. After which he turns back to CHRIS and REX with a look of bewilderment in his eyes.

BOBBY

This office is insane. We must go back to TOBY'S office and check out the Microsoft Windows 98 computer. We need a couple shots of him working on it. Let's finish up here and head back there. But really, this whole space is a story in and amongst itself.

CHRIS and REX nod their heads in agreement. Suddenly, there is a loud cheer from the office. The guys look at one another and then dash out the break room to the main office. They arrive to the main office and see that the entire office is cheering for TODD PACKER. It appears that he has just kicked the nerf football across the office and up into an opening in the ceiling (made from a removed ceiling tile) REX walks up to nearby MEREDITH.

REX

Hey MEREDITH, what's happening?

MEREDITH continues to clap and cheer on TODD PACKER. She tilts her head to REX to respond but doesn't look away from TODD PACKER.

MEREDITH

That mountain of a man just made the whole office wet. That's what. I tell you, if I wasn't in 2 ½ committed relationships, I'd take a run at him and have his seed.

ED TRUCK is even involved in the celebrations. He is shaking TODD PACKER's hand and rubbing his shoulder.

ED TRUCK

That's our TODD PACKER! Get out there and sell some paper!

The cheers get louder when ED TRUCK raises TODD PACKER's arm in celebration. Meanwhile, the reception phone is ringing. It stops and then begins to ring again. DWIGHT notices it.

DWIGHT

JUDY, your phone is ringing!

A look of fear comes across ED TRUCK's face as he looks over to JUDY. JUDY slowly rises from her sleeping position and wipes the drool from her mouth. The office can see his fear and the cheering slowly fades. TODD PACKER looks around the room. He laughs and buttons up his coat.

TODD PACKER

Alright ya nerds. This coug's gotta prowl. Peace be to your households. See yah in another month. And always remember this, Love isn't just blind . . . it's deaf and tasteless. The only true love is the love of sales. PACKMAN out.

TODD PACKER turns around and leaves the office. Everyone is still frozen and looking at ED TRUCK. JUDY's phone hasn't stopped ringing.

DWIGHT

WELL?! JUDY? Aren't you going to answer it? The purpose of a telephone is to answer it when it rings!

ED TRUCK raises his finger to his lips to "silence" the office. No one budges or makes a noise. The ringing stops. ED TRUCK exhales and a sense of relief comes across his face. JUDY blinks slowly. The rest of the office staff head back to their desks. CHRIS, however, has walked over to ED TRUCK.

CHRIS

Why didn't you answer that?

ED TRUCK

CHRIS. I like you but you got a lot to learn about the paper business.

ED TRUCK turns to the office in STANLEY's direction.

ED TRUCK

STANLEY. I'll take my MID-DAY P.B.P.L.F.B.S. 3 C.L's this time.

STANLEY

Right away, ED TRUCK!

STANLEY runs off to the kitchen. ED TRUCK nods in approval and then disappears into his office, closing the door behind him. The office staff are now all back to their desks. Except DWIGHT. He is standing and staring at JUDY at reception.

DWIGHT

JUDY. That call could have been a potential sale. You've robbed this company. You've robbed me. I am close to hitting my bonus this Month. You stole from me.

JUDY looks to DWIGHT calmly. She draws out a cigarette and lights it. Judy takes one long haul and exhales the smoke. As she does, she takes down her "Sleeping – Be back in 5 minutes" sign.

JUDY

I hate everything about you.

DWIGHT's eyes go big. JUDY's response has startled him. He draws a deep breath and backs away from the desk while waving away the cigarette smoke. ED TRUCK has poked his head out of his office having seen and smelt the cigarette.

ED TRUCK

Hey uhh, JUDY. We talked about this. No smoking please. Not a scenario open for discussion, either.

JUDY turns to ED TRUCK unimpressed. She hauls the cigarette and finishes it. She crushes it out on her desk. She exhales the remaining smoke and looks to ED TRUCK.

JUDY

Happy? What do you expect me to do? Just up and quit cold turkey?

DWIGHT steps forward and picks up the cigarette butt. He waves it back and forth.

DWIGHT

If you want to quit cold turkey, quit cold gravy at dinner time! Quit the gravy sticks!

The office all look to DWIGHT.

JUDY

It's called supper time, DWIGHT.

DWIGHT throws out the cigarette butt in a nearby trashcan.

DWIGHT

Supper time is a trash word for trash people. It's dinner time.

JUDY scowls at DWIGHT.

ED TRUCK

Ok! Let's kill the supper and dinner talk. Back to work.

Both DWIGHT and JUDY look to ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK nods awkwardly and heads back into his office. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX are standing together closely and are stunned at what they have just seen.

CHRIS

What the hell just happened?

MICHAEL has made his way to the XEROX machine and addresses the group of three. He is eating a fruit by the foot.

MICHAEL

Oh the phone thing? Never. Ever. Answer. A call. During. Lunch.

BOBBY, CHRIS and REX turn to MICHAEL.

MICHAEL

Even if my life depends on it. In sales, you never answer the phone before 9:30am, during lunch or after 4:30pm. I learned that here on my first day. What good is taking a call during those times? It's only going to cause you stress. Sales shouldn't be stressful.

BOBBY, CHRIS and REX don't reply.

MICHAEL

Oh? You meant the smoking thing? Or the supper and dinner thing? Yeah. We recently went smokeless. New company policy. Came into effect about a week ago. Some of us are taking it harder than others.

BOBBY looks to reception. As he does, JUDY is tucking a wad of chewing tobacco into her mouth. BOBBY gags. As MICHAEL has been talking, his fruit by the foot slips out of his mouth and falls into the XEROX tray. It fires up. He looks around shocked as it feeds into the machine. He kneels to the output tray. The fruit by the foot begins to come out – with ink printed on it.

CHRIS

Uh. MICHAEL. Won't that ruin the XEROX?

The office workers look to MICHAEL. He notices that everyone is looking at him. He searches for a response.

MICHAEL

No! I'm saving paper. I'm saving the planet. I can read the ink off this and do my work and INSTEAD of throwing it out –

MICHAEL begins to become more confident as he feels he has come up with a good response –

MICHAEL (CONT)

I CAN EAT IT! Win – Win – Win.

REX

Actually. If everyone did that, you'd sell no paper and you'd be out of a job. It's more of a Lose-Lose for you. Even a lose for everyone else here.

OSCAR

Actually. He's right, MICHAEL.

MICHAEL proceeds to take the fruit by the foot back to his desk without acknowledging REX or OSSCAR. He begins inspecting the ink on it that is smeared. After a few seconds – he gives up. He shrugs and begins to eat it. He picks up a stack of paper as he is chewing on the fruit by the foot and heads back to the XEROX. This time he puts in the paper. A loud "BEEP" can be heard, and the machine is clearly not working. MICHAEL slams his fist on the side of the machine. It begins smoking and BEEPing louder.

MICHAEL

Now what they fridge snakes is wrong with this thing?

END SCENE

OUTRO

INT. HR OFFICE. 4PM

BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE FILMING TOBY INPUTTING INFORMATION ONTO THE COMPUTER AND HAVE BEEN FILMING FOR 2 HOURS. TOBY IS SEATED AT HIS DESK INPUTTING INFORMATION TO THE COMPUTER, THE CAMERA IS TO HIS RIGHT CAPTURING HIS STEPS.

The interview is being seen through the camera lens.

TOBY is typing away. He turns to his right. He is holding up a thick stack of paper in his left hand. His voice is monotone.

TOBY

Hi. TOBY FLENDERSON from HR. I have just submitted this entire Insurance Claim in less than 1 hour. Ordinarily this would have taken all day and would of caused me to have repetitive stress disorder in my wrist. I am proud to report that this machine increases productivity and efficiency here in HR.

TOBY awkwardly reaches out and pets/rubs the monitor with his right hand. After 4 rubs, he looks off camera to BOBBY. BOBBY smiles.

TOBY

The capability to save documents to the machine is also wonderful if I need to get up and leave my desk. Next, I will show you the save function -

CHRIS waves at TOBY – cutting the scene.

CHRIS

Well, TOBY. Just run through that process one more time and remember, "Thanks to this COMPUTER". Corporate doesn't want you to say "machine". They were adamant about that.

DWIGHT has appeared at the door of the HR Office hands on his hips.

DWIGHT

Corporate also doesn't want you to know that those MACHINES will render you a cuckold. Do you want to be cuckolded TOBY? A Y2K Cuckold.

TOBY is speechless and looks at BOBBY, CHRIS and REX for saving.

TOBY

No, DWIGHT. I don't want to be cuckolded by a machine.

A smile slowly appears on DWIGHT's face.

DWIGHT

Something tells me you do. Y2K. It's real and its coming. They call it a bug. I call it a pandemic. It very well could be the biggest pandemic of this century.

DWIGHT slowly backs out of the office door and turns around and heads back to his desk. MICHAEL is standing behind him shaking his head and reading a MAD Magazine. TOBY looks at BOBBY, CHRIS and REX.

TOBY

I'm not a cuckold, guys. I don't want to be a cuckold.

TOBY turns back to the computer monitor.

TOBY

. . . I don't want to be your cuckold.

MICHAEL squints at TOBY and lowers his voice.

MICHAEL

Sure you don't.

END OF EPISODE

This content is non-commercial fan fiction. It was written out of admiration of the original writings. I only intended to present MY OWN view of what COULD have taken place before the original works. Any characters, settings or other details from the original works that have made their way into my stories are owned and belong to NBC Universal and any other relevant copyright holders. I do not own any other Trademarked Materials which includes any mentioned items/people/places/things/etc held in Copyright. This work is available for enjoyment of fellow enthusiast that wish to be taken into a fictitious prologue of the beloved storyline. It is not to be distributed in any manner for the purpose of monetary gain.