Brandon Road / .com
THE OFFICE; FROM THERE TO HERE
The OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE. An origin story.
EpiSODE 6: Ware's the House Part ii
By
Brandon Road.
FAde In:
INTRO
INT. OFFICE MAIN AREA. LATER IN AFTERNOON.
ED TRUCK HAS BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX IN HIS OFFICE. THEY ARE JOINED BY DWIGHT, TOBY AND DAVID WALLACE. JUDY HAS NOW LEFT. THE REST OF THE OFFICE TEAM HAS TRIED TO RETURN TO WORK BUT THEY ARE RILED UP FROM THE INCIDENT. THEY ARE CHATTING AMONGST THEMSELVES AND ARE CLEARLY STILL DISTRACTED. MICHAEL ESPECIALLY. HE FEELS SLIGHTED HE ISN'T IN THE MEETING WITH THE OTHERS. MICHAEL IS STARING AT ED TRUCK'S OFFICE FROM HIS DESK TAPPING HIS FOOT ON THE GROUND.
MICHAEL
What could they be talking about in there?
STANLEY
I don't think it's good whatever it is. We really gave it to poor DWIGHT. But, the man had it coming. JUDY truly hated the guy. I don't think she really came around after that time DWIGHT lobbied to corporate for that 8-day work week. 8 days. 8 days of work. What was the name of the new day he purposed?
MICHAEL replies quickly. He is still staring at ED TRUCK's office door.
MICHAEL
It was our IDEA. DUNDSsday. After Friday. Add 20% productivity to the office. DWIGHT said they use it on his farm. Named it after DUNDER MIFFLIN.
STANLEY laughs.
STANLEY
Boy that was dumb!
MICHAEL continues to look at ED TRUCK'S office door. Without looking to STANLEY, he replies with a stern but quivering voice.
MICHAEL
Well, STANLEY. We tried. Are you going to fault us for trying to develop a better workplace?
ANGELA chimes in. She has been the only one trying to work.
ANGELA
Let's not forget your hairbrained scheme to only deal with "ODD NUMBERS on ODD DAYS and EVEN NUMBERS on EVEN DAYS".
MICHAEL finally turns his attention to ANGELA.
michael
Give me one good reason why that wouldn't work. Hmm ? Give me one. Literally dealing with half the numbers on half the days. That's 50% less work 100% of the time.
ANGELA closes her eyes. MICHAEL takes this as a sign of her conceding in the argument.
MICHAEL
See. Exactly. I knew it.
MICHAEL turns back to ED TRUCK's door. ANGELA shakes her head.
ANGELA
Whatever. But more importantly, what happened earlier was sickening, but also satisfying to watch. I haven't been satisfied in years.
ANGELA picks up a pencil and continues to try and work.
MEREDITH
I felt the tickle in my lady parts, too Angie... that was something. Hopefully the Camera Guy's give me a copy.
ANGELA shakes her head. CREED has a pop-tart on his desk. He is smearing jelly on one and the peanut butter on the other.
CREED
No matter what happens gang, Peanut Butter and Jelly Pop-Tart sandwiches cure all. I learned this trick in the Viet-cong. Does anyone want to hear more Viet-Cong stories?
OSCAR has the massive DUNDER MIFFLIN H.R manual out on his desk. He suddenly stands up with the manual in his hand pointing to a page.
OSCAR
It says here in SECTION 14A, Subset C under "Employee Harassment and Cause for Dismissal": In given circumstances where an employee is found to of conducted him or herself in a noncompliant manner resulting in another employee's injury, said Employee will be subject to disciplinary action up to and including the following based off Corporate Approval: 1 week suspension without pay –
MICHAEL stands up and interrupts OSCAR.
MICHAEL
They can't fire us all! That's it! We will all swear that on the H.R manual that we will all defend one another. Just like BRAVEHEART!
PHYLLIS turns to MICHAEL with tears in her eyes.
PHYLLIS
But Val Kilmer dies in the end of BRAVEHEART . . .
OSCAR
Actually. Mel Gibson was in BRAVEHEART. Val Kilmer was in BATMAN FOREVER. Different movies. Equally as hunky leads . . . from what I've been told.
STANLEY interjects.
stanley
Hold on. MICHAEL is onto something here. We all can't be fired. We just need to band together. We all need to have one another's back! We can do this DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON! TEAM!
MICHAEL slowly walks over to PHYLLIS's desk. She is quietly sobbing. He gently kneels beside her. He then grabs her blue ink stamp pad off her desk. Quietly, he consoles PHYLLIS. MICHAEL has acquired a mix between a Scottish, Irish and English Accent.
MICHAEL
Dear. Dear. Dear. Don't ye worry. We shall battle as mightily as we can this fortnight. None ye wenches will ever bother ye. We will rule this land yonder and not be banished to the Motherland.
PHYLLIS smiles through her tears.
PHYLLIS
Thanks, MICHAEL. You always know when I need a pick-me-up.
MICHAEL stands up and pats PHYLLIS's head. He takes the stamp pad and rubs the blue ink on his face to emulate Mel Gibson's Character William Wallace in BRAVEHEART. As he finishes up, he runs over to DWIGHT's desk.
MICHAEL
I know for a fact DWIGHT has a blade in his desk. He always says that he can't "be too careful" - good thing he didn't bring it out before we got to him – AH! There it is!
MICHAEL has produced a long butcher knife from DWIGHT's desk. As he is doing so, DAVID WALLACE exits ED TRUCKS' office. He seems troubled.
DAVID WALLACE
Umm, Everyone. I'd like to make a quick –
MICHAEL- who's back was to DAVID WALLACE – turns around to reveal his blue face paint. It shocks DAVID WALLACE. He has a stapler in one hand and the butcher knife in the other. DAVID WALLACE stares at MICHAEL for a moment. MICHAEL then begins to shake the knife back and forth.
MICHAEL
FREEDOM!
END SCENE
OPENING CREDITS ROLL.
Int. Ed Truck's Office.
MICHAEL HAS NOW JOINED ED TRUCK, BOBBY, REX AND CHRIS IN HIS OFFICE. TOBY HAS LEFT TO GRAB A FORM FOR DAVID WALLACE TO FILL OUT FOR THE MOST RECENT INCIDENT INVOLVING DWIGHT'S WEAPON AT WORK. DAVID WALLACE IS AT A BREAKING POINT. HE IS PACING THE ROOM RUBBING HIS CHIN.
DAVID WALLACE
A gosh darn machete, DWIGHT?! Of all the things I read in your file earlier this may be the most outrageous. There is no place for a large sharp weapon or a large sharp anything here. This even beats the construction paper debacle you stirred up with the local Elementary Schools.
DWIGHT stares at DAVID WALLACE. DAVID WALLACE stares back awaiting a response. DWIGHT breaks the stalemate.
DWIGHT
You should be thanking me. Those schools wanted dyed 8.5 by 11 multipurpose high density colour-stock in banded rings of 100 for $0.45 a booklet when we all know damn well that dyed 8.5 by 11 multipurpose high density colour-stock in banded rings of 100 easily goes for $0.70 cents a booklet. Of all people DAVID WALLACE, I would figure you'd know the numbers.
DAVID WALLACE
Yes! I do! That's not the point! You sent a personalized bulletin from DUNDER MIFFLIN to the parents of those young kids saying they'd never go to college if those –
DAVID WALLACE searches for the word he was looking for that he read earlier in DWIGHT's file. He begins to snap his fingers trying to remember. ED TRUCK pipes up.
ED TRUCK
Scumbags.
DAVID WALLACE snaps his fingers at ED TRUCK.
david wallace
Scumbags! Yes. Scumbags. They'd never go to college if those scumbags in charge of their futures wanted outlandish paper deals. If it wasn't for MICHAEL volunteering to visit that class and smooth things over or whatever he did, we would of lost that customer. Come on DWIGHT. If your sales weren't as good as they are, I'd suspect you were –
MICHAEL, who still has the face paint on quietly mutters.
MICHAEL
2nd best sales. Not Salesman of the Year. Twice in a row. And DAVID . . .
DAVID WALLACE turns from DWIGHT to MICHAEL and puts his finger in MICHAEL's half blue face.
DAVID WALLACE
I haven't even started with you yet, MICHAEL. You wait your turn. I can't even begin to believe how you could be so narrow minded.
MICHAEL
Thank you. I pride myself on my focused mind. I modelled my focus after The Grinch.
DAVID WALLACE
Pardon?
MICHAEL
Yeah. The Grinch. He was focused on stealing Christmas. He wasn't focused on stealing Halloween, Thanksgiving or Flag Day . . . no no. Have you ever wondered why he didn't try? That answer is because he was FOCUSED.
DAVID WALLACE closes his eyes. He steps back and appears to calm himself with a couple deep breaths. BOBBY looks to REX. CHRIS looks confused. DAVID WALLACE continues. He is calmer now.
DAVID WALLACE
DWIGHT. We've been more than understanding with you here. Multiple times we've needed to play "clean up" with you. I think it's time that you . . . owe us one. It's a two way street. I think we should be owed one.
DWIGHT blinks and continues to stare at DAVID WALALCE. He then looks to ED TRUCK.
DWIGHT
Go on.
Meanwhile, CHRIS elbows REX and whispers to him.
CHRIS
I'm not even sure why we are in here? I mean. We are just hear on contract to make an educational film for your company.
ED TRUCK has overheard the comment and clears his throat. He speaks to CHRIS.
ED TRUCK
You three are here because you need to see how we deal with things here at DUNDER MIFFLIN. You got some footage; you are to make a video and you will speak nothing of what you've seen here this morning. There will be nothing but silence on this matter from you three. You understand?
ED TRUCK gets up from his desk. He walks across his office to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX. He has his hands connected behind his back.
ED TRUCK
You understand . . . don't you. We had a situation and we dealt with it. We are family here. Families sometimes bicker and do things they regret but at the end of the day we are still family.
ED TRUCK pauses for affect.
ED TRUCK
We deal with things.
ED TRUCK pauses again and leans close to CHRIS.
ED TRUCK
We deal with things.
CHRIS leans back and looks at BOBBY out of the corner of his eye. He swallows hard.
CHRIS
Understood.
ED TRUCK nods slowly. He brushes the back of his hand on REX's cheek ever so softly. REX doesn't move. He's frozen scared.
ED TRUCK
That's my boy.
ED TRUCK makes his way back to his desk and sits down. DAVID WALLACE looks at everyone in the room. The tension is thick. DAVID WALLACE walks to the door and taps it. He speaks and lowers his voice.
DAVID WALLACE
Before we discuss the terms of this "deal"- any second TOBY will be walking through this door with some HR mumbo-jumbo that will frankly tie up my week in corporate. It won't look good on me being a newly anointed in this position and having a branch with such antics under my jurisdiction. I heard they are having enough problems over at Stamford with their internship program with Cornell. I'd rather be under the radar here. I think we all need to be aligned that we sort this out without TOBY.
ED TRUCK
Yes. I like that idea. Let's not draw attention to ourselves. Let's make this transition seamless.
DAVID WALLACE pauses and then points at ED TRUCK.
DAVID WALLACE
Speaking of which . . . I think TOBY might have some historical resumes on file that we could call back on for JUDY's role. We should get on this ASAP. Let's ask him when he gets in here.
ED TRUCK nods.
ED TRUCK
Great idea. I think we could easily find a proper replacement out of that stack. Smart thinking, DAVID WALLACE.
DAVID WALLACE makes his way around the front of ED TRUCK's desk and sits on it facing DWIGHT and MICHAEL.
DAVID WALLACE
Okay. Now, DWIGHT . . . this is what we are going to do.
DWIGHT leans in. MICHAEL crosses his arms.
MICHAEL
I smell a deal ye proposing.
DAVID WALLACE
Uh. Yes. Here's what's going to happen. Camera guys – plug your ears. You need to swear secrecy from hence forth.
MICHAEL smiles and looks at DAVID WALLACE having heard "hence forth" and thinking DAVID WALLACE said it on purpose. DAVID WALLACE looks to MICHAEL. MICHAEL is about to speak but DAVID WALLACE sternly puts up his index finger.
DAVID WALLACE
No. Don't you dare. Just listen.
END SCENE.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.
ED TRUCK HAS CALLED A MEETING. HE HAS THE ENTIRE STAFF IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM. THEY ARE ALL SEATED. HE AND DAVID WALLACE ARE STANDING AT THE FRONT FACING THE ENTIRE STAFF. DWIGHT IS SEATED AND LOOKING PROUD THE ROOM. BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM.
ED TRUCK
Ok everyone. Thanks for joining us quickly here. I want to address the earlier . . . incident . . . we had with an employee and another employee. We can't deny the fact there was an incident that appeared rather –
DWIGHT
Abusive. Demeaning. Outlandish.
ED TRUCK waves his hands at DWIGHT to stop.
ED TRUCK
Call it whatever you may –
MEREDITH
Hot.
CREED licks his fingers as he finishes his Pop-Tart
sandwich.
CREED
Sticky.
ANGELA
Distracting.
STANLEY
Ill-timed.
PHYLLIS
Sad.
BOBBY
Reckless. Disgusting. Horrific.
MICHAEL, who is seated in the middle row stands up – face still painted and still with the mixed accent.
MICHAEL
Ye have not forgotten how ye have gotten here? Together as ye family?! – ye have got to remember or have ye lost ye t'head?
From a row of chairs behind MICHAEL, TED pipes up hearing what he thought was his name being said. He is clearly confused as usual and looks at MICHAEL having thought he said his name.
TED
Ok. Hey. Um. I was out for lunch when all this went down so um. I have no idea what I'm even witnessing but um. I don't care. Please don't throw my name around though. The face paint is creepy. But the accent is worse. Hi DAVID WALLACE. Good to see you. JUDY's gone. Cool. Got it. Camera guys still here. Ok.
MICHAEL turns to TED.
TED
What.
MICHAEL drags his thumb across his own neck to signal that he will cut TED's throat. TED winces and squints at MICHAEL.
ED TRUCK
Hey hey hey! No need to be threatening one another. I want it to be known that what has transpired will be put behind us.
DAVID WALALCE has grown inpatient and wants to control the room.
DAVID WALLACE
What ED TRUCK is trying to say is that we are going to move on past this. We've agreed to – terms – with everyone involved and we all are happy to put this to bed. Clearly, the sales at this branch are fantastic and you are all pulling your weight. It's remarkable. However, I've seen the files on every one of you and it's not pretty. I'm happy to overlook those blemishes – even overlook employee's bringing MACHETEES to work –
DAVID turns to DWIGHT and then back to the group.
DAVID WALLACE
Yes. JUDY is now gone, and we are going to be conducting interviews in here in less than 2 hours. Quick turnaround I know. But we need to forge ahead. The paper business stops for no one. As a DUNDER MIFFLIN saying goes : It's a 25 hour a day business. We will be hiring a new Secretary and we will be adding a new member to the sales team today. Now I know this may be a shock, but no one is losing their jobs here. It's a positive move.
PHYLLIS puts her hand up. DAVID WALLACE nods for her to speak.
PHYLLIS
What will happen with our current client lists? Will there be enough work for a new Sales person?
OSCAR
Yeah! This really upsets the Rank Order Consistency Phenomena dynamic within this office. Totally shift.
The room goes quiet. Everyone looks to OSCAR. ANGELA shakes her head.
ANGELA
Why must you say such things OSCAR? No one knows what that means. Why say things no one knows?
OSCAR
My cousin in Tulsa. She told me about it. It's quite interesting. Actually, two professors are working on a theory that . . .
OSCAR trails off as he reads the room and sees no one listening. DAVID WALLACE looks at ED TRUCK and then back to the group.
DAVID WALLACE
PHYLLIS. Great question. OSCAR. That's neat . . . can't wait to hear more on that. There will be plenty of work for all of you and the new Sales position. We have a few irons in the fire on larger corporate deals and we know there is about 20% of the Upper Eastern Pennsylvania market that is dying to have a paper supplier. Fear not Sales Team.
PHYLLIS smiles. OSCAR shifts in his chair. DAVID WALLACE smiles back. He then points to the Camera Crew at the back of the room.
DAVID WALLACE
Heck. Even our Camera crew friends have agreed to join and film parts of the interviews. It truly is going to be a positive move for DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON.
DAVID WALLACE points to the three men standing at the back of the room. REX awkwardly waves in acknowledgment.
DAVID WALLACE
Yes. Thank you. If there are any further questions. Please direct them to TOBY. I've stayed here long enough sorting this out and I don't want it to be an issue. Okay? I'm doing everyone a favor not taking this any further. You all get that. I'm protecting us as –
ED TRUCK
a family.
DAVID WALLACE
Sure. A family.
TOBY, who was busy making notes looks up. He addresses the room.
TOBY
I have enough work to do, so please, make sure it is relevant. We will be signing these confidentiality agreements, too. I will pass them out.
MICHAEL
Your face makes me want to pass out.
DWIGHT stands up. He pulls a name plate out from his suit jacket. It has his name and "JR. VP of Regional Sales". He has clearly tried to marker out "Regional" but it's still visible. DWIGHT puffs out his chest and bows to the room.
DWIGHT
Thank you, DAVID WALLACE. Thank you, ED TRUCK. Now. Attention subordinates. From this moment on, you will know me as your JR. VP of Sales –
ED TRUCK raises his hand to his mouth and muffles his speech through his fingers so that it barely audible.
ED TRUCK(muffled)
Regional. JR. VP of Regional Sales.
DWIGHT turns to ED TRUCK, smiles, then turns back to the group.
DWIGHT
JR. VP. of Sales. Yes. In a Region. Yes. As my first official order of JR. VP. Of Sales, I would like to implement a strict dress code here as I feel we have become far too lax with our efforts to present ourselves. I stand before you in what will be the only acceptable DUNDER MIFFLIN attire -
DWIGHT waves his hands as if to present his clothes. He continues.
DWIGHT (cont)
Chestnut brown Oxford shoes. Walnut brown corduroy pants. Malted almond tan leather belt. Finally, Macadamia Mania sleeveless Men's Skjorte.
The room falls silent. STANLEY speaks up.
STANLEY
What is a damn, skjorte?
DWIGHT
Excellent question, MR. HUDSON. A skjorte is the far superior Norwegian version of the American dress shirt. I am wearing a skjorte. I have been for 5 years since I discovered their wonder.
BOBBY quips from the back of the room.
BOBBY
Skjorte or no skjorte - what's the fascination with "nut" related colours, DWIGHT? Trying to tell us something?
A low laugh comes from the office team members. DWIGHT fires back.
DWIGHT
Just because nuts have been blessed with the greatest colours on this planet doesn't make them any less menacing.
CREED
That shirt is yellow my friend. As yellow as Colonel Mustard's beard.
DWIGHT snaps at CREED.
DWIGHT
This is not yellow! Mustard is yellow! – Maybe not beet mustard – but that's besides the point! This is Macadamia Mania.
CREED squints at DWIGHT.
Angela
Mustards come from seeds. Not nuts. You know that right.
DWIGHT straightens up.
DWIGHT
Clearly, you've been eating the wrong mustards then.
Just as ANGELA finishes her comment, MEREDITH stands up and goes to leave. DAVID WALLACE is now frustrated with the way the meeting has been going. He looks to MEREDITH as she is about to leave the room.
DAVID WALLACE
Sorry? MEREDITH? We're not done here –
MEREDITH looks to DAVID WALLACE unimpressed as she opens the door.
MEREDITH
All this nut talk has made me . . . hungry. I gotta go . . . eat.
MEREDITH smirks at DAVID WALLACE and leaves the conference room. DAVID WALLACE watches as she leaves. DWIGHT continues in a "matter-of-fact" voice.
DWIGHT
Ok. Everyone. Back to it. I will supply you with my Skredder's information. His name is Bainton. He only works between the hours of 3am-5am on Monday Mornings –
STANLEY interrupts DWIGHT.
STANLEY
Now what is a skredder?
DWIGHT pauses.
DWIGHT
A skredder is Norwegian tailor. Works exclusively with Norwegian material and on Norwegian time. They tailor from the inside out. They are often dually trained as morticians. Ok? Can I continue?
STANLEY raises his hands to his chest as if to say "Sorry- continue". DWIGHT begins again.
DWIGHT
This skredder, Bainton, his shop address is on the card I supply you. I suggest you schedule a consultation with him first and get yourselves a proper dimensjonering.
DWIGHT stops before STANLEY can speak.
DWIGHT
Dismensjonering – Sizing. It means sizing. But don't say sizing. You will upset Bainton. Ah yes! I suggest you don't look him in the eye and that you also present him with a boutique of dandle-lions as a sign of peace. He can be frightened easily and skittish like the ekorn!
MICHAEL
He does sound like a nut.
DWIGHT tilts his head and looks at MICHAEL with a smile.
DWIGHT
No. Ekorn is Norwegian for squirrel. He has squirrel like tendencies when scared. Ekorn. Not acorn.
MICHAEL leans back in his chair and looks to the group.
MICHAEL
Where I'm from, squirrels still eat acorns. So, I don't know what you're talking about.
CREED
Isn't an acorn actually a fruit?
ED TRUCK raises his hands and shakes his head with a quick laugh.
ED TRUCK
Okay! This has gone on long enough. No, DWIGHT. You won't be implementing that policy. No one is going to visit your Norwegian shirt guy. That's not going to happen. Can we please get back on track here. This is getting ridiculous.
DWIGHT looks to ED TRUCK and tries to plead his case.
DWIGHT
But ED TRUCK! I thought you said I would be their "superior"?!
STANLEY perks up.
STANLEY
What the hell does that mean? First, he gets to purpose a dress code and now what? Does DWIGHT get preferred customers now? Does he get a raise? I thought you said this was a positive move, DAVID? I ain't losing no clients to that bum. I sure as heck ain't wearing no Norwegian sleeveless nut shirt.
CREED
I see the benefits to a sleeveless shirt. Full range motion. I like it.
CREED proceeds to rip his left sleeve off. He struggles with his right sleeve. He gives up but seems satisfied with himself and beings moving his left arm around chaotically.
PHYLLIS
But DAVID, this isn't going to change things is it? I thought you just said . . .
MICHAEL who is now agitated speaks up.
MICHAEL
This dress-code will never happen. There will never be a dress-code at DUNDER MIFFLIN. I say that with 101% confidence. DWIGHT has been given a stupid title so he doesn't file a stupid thing against this stupid company and get us all stupid fired. It's stupid. There.
The room falls silent.
ANGELA
Is this true. This is not fair. I want a raise. I want a new title. I deserve one.
OSCAR
Yes. Me as well. I want to be . . . Director, Accounting.
The room suddenly fills up with everyone speaking at once wanting a new title and opposing the new ruling of DWIGHT's title. DWIGHT is relishing in it. ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE look at TOBY for reprieve- TOBY shrugs. DAVID WALLACE waves for everyone to be silent.
DAVID WALLACE
Alright! How about this. You all submit your desired new title to TOBY by E.O.D and we can review. Mind you, there are NO raises involved. It's clearly just a title. Now. Please. Everyone get back to work – the interviews will be starting soon. That is all. Meeting closed.
ED TRUCK opens the conference room door and motions for everyone to leave.
MICHAEL
But. What if I want to be JR. VP of Regional Sales.
The room erupts again. DAVID WALLACE throws his hands up in defeat.
End Scene
INT. OFFICE DOWN STAIRS LOBBY.
BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX have made their way down to the main lobby. they are all concerned about what has happened and what the response has been. They are unsure if they wish to continue the project or not. They are discussing next steps and whether or not to call tim (producer)
BOBBY
Guys. What we witnessed today was insanity. That was clearly uncool and for some reason their own bosses are looking past it. Am I crazy? Was that not the weirdest and most wacked out thing we've ever seen during a project? Like, now that DWIGHT guy is getting a new title and trying to get everyone to wear those horrible shirts and corduroys . . . I don't know man. This is wacky.
CHRIS sips his coffee and glances at the office stairs and then back to BOBBY and REX. He motions them in closer.
CHRIS
Look what ED TRUCK slipped into my pocket earlier. When he was getting all weird about "dealing" with things and "family" talk . . . I just noticed this.
CHRIS pulls out a torn corner of a piece of paper from a notebook. In red ink, there is an address scribbled.
REX
Is that your ? –
CHRIS
Yes. My home address.
CHRIS sips the coffee wide-eyed and looks directly at REX and BOBBY.
HANK
Hey guys. I can see you're mighty busy doing whatever it is you say you do – but uh, do you mind clearing out the space. Y'all are loitering. No loitering here. Loiter free zone.
HANK has been behind the security desk hidden from the men eating a donut. He points to a NO LOITERING sign above the doorway. As he does, CAM comes through the door from parking lot carrying a package. He smiles as he greets them.
CAM
Hey! The camera guys, right? Just bringing in some packages to the office and felt I could get some exercise. I hate being cooped up.
CAM's demeanor changes as he notices the guys are looking shaken up. He grows concerned.
CAM
What happened? What did I miss? Is everyone ok? Is there a tragedy afoot? Do I need to rally the troops?
ED TRUCK has appeared from the stairs and steps through the men. CAM tenses up. ED TRUCK walks right up to CAM. ED TRUCK whispers to CAM.
ED TRUCK
You know the rules. No further, Warehouser.
CAM looks around the lobby. He looks back to ED TRUCK.
CAM
We agreed this space was International Waters. Open space. Anything goes. I'm allowed to be here and so are you. I might not like it but those are the rules. You signed the armistice too, EDDY.
ED TRUCK and CAM begin to slowly circle one another. ED TRUCK hisses and CAM swats at him. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX are again perplexed as to what is happening in front of them. DAVID WALLACE enters the room from the stairs. He is clearly in a rush. Immediately, CAM and ED TRUCK stop and stand side by side looking at DAVID WALLACE.
DAVID WALLACE
Guys. Listen. Our interviewees are soon here. CAM, ED TRUCK ... please. Whatever you're doing, I'm sure isn't the best use of company time.
CAM sets the package he had is his hand on HANK'S desk without loosing eye contact with ED TRUCK. He slowly backs to the door.
CAM
You're right. I have better things to do – like run the entire distribution model for this here branch. Remember suit, without US, there is no YOU.
CAM looks to DAVID WALLACE. His demeanor changes.
CAM
Looking good DAVID. We still on for next Month's Review? We already got the Team List for Efficiency Tweaks.
DAVID WALLACE nods at CAM and looks nervously to ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK's face reflects the look of betrayal.
DAVID WALLACE
C'mon ED TRUCK. You know I manage the warehouse guys too. Don't get like that.
CAM backs out the door. He is still locked eyes with ED TRUCK. He pauses then bolts to the direction of the warehouse out of sight. ED TRUCK walks to the door. He looks both ways out the door and then turns to the group.
ED TRUCK
Never trust anyone who can't even trust the alphabet rules when it comes to spelling their own name. "A before C except with a P" and sometimes "T"
BOBBY turns to ED TRUCK slowly.
BOBBY
That's not how it goes. That's not even close.
ED TRUCK doesn't seem to hear BOBBY.
REX
Why wouldn't I trust him? He runs the warehouse.
ED TRUCK clearly hears REX. He responds without hesitation.
ED TRUCK
Exactly.
As the group has been talking, a sedan has pulled in the parking lot. DAVID WALLACE notices right away.
DAVID WALLACE
Ok. Seriously everyone ... one of our interviewees is here. PBS Crew, get out and get the equipment you need. You can bring him inside when he is ready. ED TRUCK, let's go and get situated upstairs. There needs to be some positive momentum out of today.
ED TRUCK nods and begins walking with DAVID WALLACE back inside. ED TRUCK stops and turns to address the PBS crew.
ed truck
Don't screw this up – CHRIS.
CHRIS' eyes go wide as ED TRUCK sternly whispers to him before he leaves. ED TRUCK then turns and disappears into the stairwell following DAVID WALLACE. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX head out to the parking lot.
END SCENE
OUT. PARKING LOT. DAY
BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE VENTURED OUT TO THE PARKING LOT. THEY NOTICE THE MAN HAS PARKED ADJACENT TO THEIR VAN. AS THEY APPROACH, THE MAN NOTICES THEM AND EXITS THE CAR. PEARL JAM CAN BE HEARD ON THE RADIO. HE HAS A HORRIBLE HAIR CUT, A SUIT THAT DOESN'T FIT AND AN OLD BRIEFCASE. THE MAN NOTICES THE 3 MEN APPROACHING AND SMILES POLIETLY. BOBBY WAVES.
BOBBY
Hey. We're with PBS. We don't work here. We are only here to film.
MAN
Well. You're kinda working here then, though right? Working for the man.
REX
Sort of. I'm REX, this is BOBBY and that's CHRIS.
JIM
Nice to meet you guys. I'm JIM HALPERT. I'm here to interview for an open Sales position. You aren't conducting the interview out here are you?
JIM chuckles but quickly notices that the 3 men aren't sharing his humour. He looks away quickly and rolls his eyes.
JIM
Well. I have a big afternoon ahead of me. Been told I need a "real job" and to get out and make "something of myself". Nowhere better to start than at a paper company right fellas?
JIM has air-quoted the whole time. Again, the 3 men seem unenthused.
JIM
Ok. Good talk, Robby.
BOBBY
It's BOBBY.
JIM
Sure. That's the one. Alright. Good talk.
BOBBY brushes past JIM to the van. He stops at the door and turns to JIM.
BOBBY
OH! So, we are going to be filming your interview –
JIM
So you do kind of work here then eh. Well what is it?
JIM laughs awkwardly and turns to REX and CHRIS who aren't laughing.
BOBBY
JIM. We are going to be filming the interview. I trust you don't mind.
JIM
Why would I?
CHRIS walks over to JIM and is close enough to whisper.
CHRIS
Don't show weakness. They smell weakness. They will own your weakness. Weakness will get you killed in there.
AS JIM steps away from CHRIS uncomfortably, there is a loud bang from a window up in the office building. All the men turn. It's DWIGHT. DWIGHT is standing in the window. He is banging his forehead against the window.
JIM
What the heck is that? Is that guy bangin' his head against the glass. Are you seeing this? Is he ok?
DWIGHT repeats banging his forehead against the glass. MICHAEL then appears at the window next to DWIGHT. He begins to bang his head against the glass.
JIM
Uh. Is this DUNDER MIFFLIN? Or is this the X-Files?
Again, JIM awkwardly laughs and gets no reaction from the 3 men.
JIM
Ok. Well, this has been fun. I'm going to head in. Great to meet you all. Looking forward to being interviewed and finding out what THAT is all about.
JIM points to MICHAEL and DWIGHT with his briefcase in hand and then begins to walk to the door to DUNDER MIFFLIN. He sighs as he gets to the door. He turns back to the 3 PBS men who are now collecting items from their van. REX spots that JIM has turned to them ad yells:
REX
You'll do fine, JIM! Lots of potential here!
JIM flashes the thumbs-up mutters under his breath;
JIM
What could go wrong. It's just an interview.
END SCENE
INT. BREAK ROOM. OFFICE. DAY
DWIGHT AND MICHAEL HAVE SMACKED THEIR FOREHEADS AGAINST THE GLASS AS JIM WAS WALKING TO THE DOOR. THEY STOP ONCE HE HAS CLEARLY MADE HIS WAY INSIDE.
DWIGHT
We spooked him good!
MICHAEL
OH YA!
DWIGHT and MICHAEL high-five. Their foreheads are bright red. CREED enters the room. He is rubbing his forehead as it is red too- but it's sticky jam. DWIGHT and MICHAEL look at him. CREED looks back. There is about 5 seconds of silence as they each stare at one another.
CREED
You guys were sleeping too? I fell asleep on my pop-tart and the jam stuck to my forehead.
DWIGHT
Wait, what?
CREED suddenly snaps his fingers as an idea has come to mind and walks over to MICHAEL and DWIGHT. CREED reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of white out. He dabs the bottle and glides it across MICHAEL's forehead.
CREED
Simba.
MICHAEL's smile slowly grows. CREED hands MICHAEL the white out bottle. CREED closes his eyes and tilts his head back. MICHAEL smears the whiteout stick across CREED's jelly'd forehead.
MICHAEL
Simba.
END SCENE
OUTRO
TOBY's OFFICE.
TOBY, DAVID WALLACE AND ED TRUCK ARE SEATED AT TOBY'S DESK. HE HAS A BLUE FOLDER WITH THE TITLE ON IT "JOB TITLE SUBMISSIONS". THE FALL-OUT FROM DWIGHT RE-NAMING HIS POSITION SPIRIALED OUT OF CONTROL. THE PAGES ARE THE NEW ONE-TIME SUBMISSIONS FOR NEW TITLES THEY AGREED TO HONOUR.
david wallace
Alright. Let's see how bad these are. Corporate won't like this so let's just let on we adjusted this in their files and we can all wash our hands clean of this.
TOBY
Okay. I gathered all the submissions. Here's the Master File.
ED TRUCK grabs the file and opens it.
ED TRUCK
Agreed. Okay, first up is STANLEY. New title is . . . Stanley, The Manley.
ED TRUCK places the sheet in the recycling and shakes his head.
DAVID WALLACE
Great name for a softball pitcher but not really the best title for a professional salesman. I GET it. But I don't LIKE it. He could do better.
ED TRUCK pulls out the next piece of paper.
ED TRUCK
Next up is, CREED. New title is: Quality and Sure I like Ants? What? What are Sure I like Ants?
ED TRUCK passes the page to DAVID WALLACE.
DAVID WALLACE
I don't know about you, but I feel a high level of unease with this submission. CREED knows we deal with paper and not ants right? This is a tad bit concerning coming from someone who is supposed to oversee Quality and Assurance. Have you spoken to him recently about his role here?
ED TRUCK shrugs.
ED TRUCK
My stance as Manager here is if you got hired for your Role here . . . do it. I'm not you're babysitter.
DAVID WALLACE replies confused. DAVID WALLACE looks to TOBY.
DAVID WALLACE
Who hired him?
ED TRUCK takes the piece of paper from DAVID WALLACE and throws it out.
TOBY
Not sure. Rumor is, he came with the building. I don't know. I didn't ask. I haven't come across his file yet. When I get to uploading it into the computer, I'll scan it over. Ok?
DAVID WALLACE rubs his eyes in annoyance but also with a little bit of fear. He mutters.
DAVID WALLACE
Thanks, TOBY.
ED TRUCK has pulled out the next piece of paper without hearing DAVID WALLACE's mutter. He reads it.
ED TRUCK
We got . . . MEREDITH. New title is . . . She just wrote "Head, Receiving,".
ED TRUCK quickly throws the page in the recycle and laughs.
ED TRUCK
More like "Head, Delivery".
DAVID WALLACE
What's that mean? What?
ED TRUCK shakes it off. TOBY goes to speak but ED TRUCK wags his finger in a stopping motion. TOBY doesn't proceed.
DAVID WALLACE
Hmm. Ok. Well. These are even worse than I thought. Go on.
ED TRUCK pulls out the next piece of paper. As he reads it he smiles. He smacks the paper with his index finger.
ED TRUCK
This is TED's. District Sales Manager! Sounds legit? I kinda like it? That's a strong title.
ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE smile at one another and nod approvingly.
DAVID WALLACE
You see, TED gets it. I think I could like that TED guy. I know he can be a bit much but I think with the right training we could take him out of his cocoon and he could develop into a –
ED TRUCK
Dirty ol' moth. A stinking furry flappy dopey moth.
DAVID WALLACE tilts his head in confusion
DAVID WALLACE
I was going to say butterfly. I see him as a quiet strong manger type . . .
ED TRUCK looks to TOBY. TOBY takes the page.
TOBY
DAVID. I think you're mistaken. TED is not really Manager material.
ED TRUCK
Ok. I'll give him one thing. He's on the right path here with the title but I don't think he fits the title . . . at all. I like keeping him at a distance - on his path. Away from MY path. He gives me SID from Toy Story vibes. You know, the creepy neighbour who cooks WOODY?
DAVID WALLACE raises his eyebrows.
DAVID WALLACE
You know what? He kinda does, doesn't he.
The three men all cringe thinking about TED and his similarities to SID. ED TRUCK quickly grabs the next paper as he tosses out TED's.
ED TRUCK
Umm, okay moving on. We got ANGELA'S here. Her new title is, Manager, Finance and A/R.
ED TRUCK squints.
ED TRUCK
You know what? I don't mind this one.
TOBY joins in.
TOBY
I'm glad you are both here. I've been meaning to say that we could maybe use another person over in Accounting. ANGELA and OSCAR are really overworked. . . If we are hiring another sales rep AND replacing our receptionist . . . why not triple down and add another accounting role to help them out?
DAVID WALLACE grabs the page examines it.
DAVID WALLACE
Well, TOBY. I've seen this play too many times. We could give ANGELA this title. It is a good one. Don't get me wrong . . . it's the best one yet -
ED TRUCK goes to add a point, but DAVID WALLACE speaks over him.
DAVID WALLACE (CONT)
-OR ! We hire someone new like you just said and ANGELA and OSCAR train that person . . . Perhaps, we could even gather a resume from the stack we have on hand. We could save adding ANGELA to the corporate policy for Managers. In the long run, it could be a smart play to hire someone new vs. promoting someone.
ED TRUCK looks to TOBY.
TOBY
I think it could work. I could even scan the Warehouse applications in case anyone stands out?
ED TRUCK slides the paper back to TOBY.
ED TRUCK
Before anyone joins that Accounting Team . . . I will be interviewing them. We aren't just going to pull in some idiot from the warehouse. This plan could backfire. Especially with a wildcard being from the warehouse. Let's parking lot this idea and circle back next week. Ok, TOBY?
TOBY nods.
ED TRUCK
Ok. Good. Umm, next in the Accounting Team is OSCAR. We got . . . Financial Analyst and Forecasting Consultant.
ED TRUCK drops the page into the recycle and makes a "whoosh" sound.
ED TRUCK
OSCAR knows a lot . . . but he needs to dial it back. That title would only go to his head.
DAVID WALLACE
Maybe we should foster his abilities and try to grow him within the company then?
ED TRUCK looks to TOBY.
ED TRUCK
Maybe. Let's add that to our agenda for next week when we chat more about that 3rd Accounting Position.
TOBY pulls out a large notepad and scribbles the note down.
ED TRUCK
Good. Next up is – ahh MICHAEL. We got . . . Co-Branch, Co-Manager and JR. Co-CEO MBA, PH.D, SUPR. TECH. DIR. LOL.
DAVID WALLACE
I don't think MICHAEL knows what those abbreviations mean let alone actually having those credentials.
DAVID WALLACE looks at the page closer.
DAVID WALLACE
I recognize all those abbreviations and credentials except LOL. What is LOL?
ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE look at one another. They both shrug. ED TRUCK pulls out the last paper. ED TRUCK smiles.
ED TRUCK
AHH! Lastly, we have TOBY!
DAVID WALLACE
Wait. What about DEVON? Isn't there a DEVON that works here?
ED TRUCK quickly responds.
ED TRUCK
He's away on vacation or something. He's useless anyway. I've talked to him like 5 times total in my entire time working here.
DAVID WALLACE tilts his head confused.
ED TRUCK
Yeah . . . anyway. Let's get to TOBY's!
TOBY smiles and acts coy.
ED TRUCK
TOBY, New Title is … The Famous TOBY FLENDERSON, THE THUNDER FROM DOWN DUNDER.
TOBY smiles and looks for a reaction. ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE look at one another and pause. They then erupt in laughter. They then get up and walk toward the door. TOBY's smile fades.
DAVID WALLACE
Good one, TOBY. Way to have a sense of humour! The Famous TOBY . . . Classic.
TOBY
I thought it was clever. I like it.
ED TRUCK
Well I don't! That is such a good one! Lordy! Saved the best for last that's for sure!
ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE laugh again.
DAVID WALLACE
In all seriousness, we can say we reviewed the titles and can action on them later. It sounds like we have a few items in the next week to discuss. See! Some good came from this! Now let's get out and interview that new potential salesmen!
ED TRUCK
Yeah thanks for the laugh TOBY! Famous. You only get famous around here if you . . . murder someone or . . . invent something!
ED TRUCK and DAVID WALLACE share a laugh and continue out the door. TOBY grabs a stress ball and begins squeezing.
TOBY (under breath)
You'll see.
END OF EPISODE
This content is non-commercial fan fiction. It was written out of admiration of the original writings. I only intended to present MY OWN view of what COULD have taken place before the original works. Any characters, settings or other details from the original works that have made their way into my stories are owned and belong to NBC Universal and any other relevant copyright holders. I do not own any other Trademarked Materials which includes any mentioned items/people/places/things/etc held in Copyright. This work is available for enjoyment of fellow enthusiast that wish to be taken into a fictitious prologue of the beloved storyline. It is not to be distributed in any manner for the purpose of monetary gain.
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