Brandon Road / .com
the office: from there to here
The OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE. An origin story.
EpiSODE 8: Brew's Clues
By
Brandon Road.
FAde In:
INT. OFFICE. KITCHEN. MID-MORN
INTRO
BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE STANDING IN THE KITCHEN LOOKING AT THE COFFEE MAKER. EACH ONE OF THEM LOOK DISHEVELED AND CLEARLY ARE BATTLING A HANGOVER. MEREDITH, OSCAR, STANLEY, AND MICHAEL ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. STANLEY IS SHAKING AS HE TRIES TO EAT A PROTEIN BAR. MEREDITH'S LIPSTICK IS SMEARED AND HER BLOUSE HAS A BIG RED WINE STAIN ON IT. OSCAR IS STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD BLANKLY. MICHAEL IS IN A TUXEDO T-SHIRT, OVERSIZED SUNGLASSES AND HAS THE "ZIPPER CARGO PANTS" – THE ZIPPERS ARE HALFWAY ZIPPED OPENED AT HIS KNEES.
MICHAEL
I'm not sure if it was the vodka or the sweet vermouth that got the best of me. Or maybe the fish-sticks at O'Richards were bad. I highly doubt that but . . .
MEREIDTH snaps at MICHAEL.
MEREDITH
Can you quit talking? I think it was those 2 for 1 Corona's. . . I think I got bit by the Corona bug last night. Got the Corona Flu . . .
MEREDITH drops her head to the table. OSCAR exhales through his nose and rubs his temple.
OSCAR
That's not right.
STANleY
My mouth feels like I made sweet sweet love with Joe Camel. Or he made sweet sweet love to me. Hard to tell. But what I do know is one of us enjoyed it more than the other. Can someone maybe drive over to the store and get me some mouthwash?
MICHAEL
I couldn't drive a nail.
OSCAR looks sideways at STANLEY and then to MICHAEL.
BOBBY
Need. Coffee.
CHRIS
Yeah. Coffee. Now.
ANGELA walks into the kitchen and she is clearly not hungover. She heads to the fridge to grab her lunch. As she walks past REX – she gets a whiff of his odor and plugs her nose.
ANGELA
You. Cameraman. You smell horrible. Did you sleep in a dumpster last night?
REX remains silent. He burps.
ANGELA
You all should be ashamed.
ANGELA opens the fridge, and she remarks.
ANGELA
Why are there all these brown eggs in here? This isn't someone's personal pantry. I am a little perturbed with this. I can't even get my lunch.
DWIGHT appears at the door of the kitchen and passes by OSCAR. He too is nursing a hangover. DWIGHT slowly enters the kitchen.
DWIGHT
Brown eggs aren't allowed in commercial kitchens, ANEGLA. I guess. So. Mose has been stockpiling them so we can paint them white later and sell them as white eggs. We ran out of room, and I deemed it appropriate to store some here.
ANGELA snorts and removes a paper bag lunch from the fridge. DWIGHT removes his glasses and rubs his bloodshot eyes.
DWIGHT
Hopefully none hatch or else . . . we may have a situation on our hands on finding out who is pregnant.
OSCAR
What does that mean. That hurts my brain even processing that.
STANLEY
That sounds so ridiculous but coming from you . . . I might need to believe it.
ANGELA shakes her head and sits down beside MEREDITH with her lunch. As she opens the bag, she screams. On the side of the bag – DWIGHT / MEDICINE is scribbled in handwriting.
ANGELA
DWIGHT!
MEREDITH, STANLEY and MICHAEL all wince at the shout. OSCAR simply blinks slow. He then gets up and calmly leaves the kitchen. BOBBY covers his ears, CHRIS waves at ANGELA to stop and REX still remains silent.
DWIGHT
I see you've found my medicine / reverse colostomy bag. That is mine. Yes. For you mere mortals, I have some charcoal pills and Cigar Ash Soap mouthwash in my desk if you wish. I highly doubt you will be able to take this remedy without severe organ failure.
DWIGHT slowly staggers over to ANGELA and picks up the bag. He pulls out a mason jar of a red liquid.
BOBBY
That looks like it could kill you let alone save you. I just need a good cool bowl of cereal. Some Captain Crunch is all I need.
DWIGHT
You've been douped. You are a sucker for the big, bloated tit of Big Milk aren't you?
BOBBY looks at DWIGHT with bloodshot eyes.
BOBBY
Big Milk? What is that?
DWIGHT
Sounds like Big Milk has gotten to you. If you don't know, you don't wanna know.
BOBBY
Whatever. It likely is better for you than that sludge.
BOBBY points to DWIGHT's mason jar. DWIGHT looks to the jar and then to BOBBY.
DWIGHT
I'd be interested to see if it would be actually. This is 3 Pickled beets, diced and chunked boiled squirrel thighs and 3 gloves of garlic wrapped in spinach. All aged to perfection for a week on top of my radiator. Us Schrutes are born with reversable belly buttons. This here is not ingested – no no no – it's inserted.
DWIGHT cracks the mason jar and pulls out a medical tube. He slides the tube through a hole in the mason jar lid. The smell is overpowering. MEREDITH gags and runs to the women's washroom. STANLEY runs to the men's room. MICHAEL has fallen asleep. ANGELA gets up and walks out of the kitchen plugging her nose. DWIGHT places the jar on top of the fridge.
DWIGHT
I must warn you. This next part might release an inhumanly amount of stomach acid.
BOBBY
Excuse me?
DWIGHT
Have you ever heard of a gravity feeder?
DWIGHT begins to lift his shirt. Everyone else proceeds to get up quickly and begin to leave the kitchen. DWIGHT notices this and speaks while holding his shirt up under his chin exposing his stomach.
DWIGHT
Oh. before I forget Christopher . . . thanks for last night and I'll expect you to make good on the wager by E.O.D.
CHRIS
What?
MICHAEL responds still face down on the kitchen table.
MICHAEL
E.O.D. The sister abbreviation of S.O.D. But nothing to do with S.O.B.
CHRIS
What wager DWIGHT?
DWIGHT releases his shirt from under his chin and laughs. He abruptly stops.
DWIGHT
If you don't remember our little wager – maybe you should check your camera. You had it out all night at O'Richards. Everything will be on there.
DWIGHT smirks and goes to leave the kitchen with his mason jar and tube. He pulls instead of pushes the door. He then figures it out and leaves.
BOBBY
Wait. Where are you going?
DWIGHT says from the other side of the door.
DWIGHT
To get my belly tube lube!
DWIGHT disappears. BOBBY is in shock. REX is still speechless. CHRIS suddenly catches on.
CHRIS
We need to get that camera!
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX dash out of the kitchen and through the office. They enter the conference room and see their camera gear scattered about. CHRIS spots the camera. He turns it on and BOBBY and REX gather around him. They click play. However, there is no tape.
CHRIS
Oh my god. What is –
BOBBY
No. It can't be. Where's the tape –
CHRIS looks at BOBBY and REX. The each share a look of grave concern. REX burps up and swallows it.
REX
This is not good.
END SCENE
START OF EPISODE
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.
BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE PACING THE ROOM. THE CAMERA IS ON THE CONFERENCE TABLE - OPEN. NO TAPE IS INSIDE. THEY ARE CONCERNED, HUNG OVER AND VERY AWARE THAT THEIR JOB'S MAY HINGE ON FINDING THE "LOST TAPE." THIS MOMENT IS VERY REAL.
BOBBY
Ok. Guys. We have enough footage. We can still finish this damn project, submit it and never speak of this place again. We just need that damn tape. What the heck happened last night? I remember leaving the office after the SKYMALL sale . . . then it's dark. It's like I lost my own brain tape.
BOBBY tries to sneak in a laugh. CHRIS and REX aren't having it.
REX
You're right. After that it's blank. It's like I had my memory erased . . .
CHRIS sits down and puts his face in his hands.
CHRIS
We need to retrace the night. I have no recollection of what went on neither. All we have is the damn camera. We need to cover our bases here. Besides this camera – was there any other documentation that we can think of?
BOBBY and REX shake their heads. CHRIS slams his fist on the desk in anger.
CHRIS
Where is the damn tape?!
There is a groan from their pile of gear in the corner of the room. REX walks over to the pile and pulls a case away from the stack. Behind the stack is ED TRUCK. He was using one case as a blanket. He has a bottle of beer in his hand. His speech is very slurred as he is clearly still drunk. He's missing a sock and shoe.
ED TRUCK
Oh hey there sport. Whattya want? A foot rub? Maybe a foot of paper rubs. Great idea. Let's touch rubs and hold feet.
ED TRUCK swigs another drink from the bottle. He spreads his toes in the air and waves them at the guys like when a cat stretches and does that leg thing.
REX
ED TRUCK! What happened last night?!
ED TRUCK finishes the bottle and lets it fall to the floor. He slowly inches his way up the wall and stumbles out of the pile of camera cases. REX backs up. ED TRUCKS' dress shirt is cut off just below his nipples.
ED TRUCK
We got SKYMALL is what happened! We took our win and we went to O'Richards to celebrate! TO SKYMALL!
CHRIS turns to ED TRUCK.
CHRIS
ED TRUCK. We know how much that meant to you. I know it's a big win – but -
ED TRUCK is clearly not listening and interrupts rather rudely.
ED TRUCK
My white whale has ventured into port and ye have captured ye! I'm a lonely seaman without a compass. How do you reckon I get my white whale? Be a seaman here, seaman there . . . seaman everywhere? Cover this whole place in seaman I say!
ED TRUCK sways as he tries to hold his balance. Somehow, CREED had overheard ED TRUCK's last few words and yells from across the office.
CREED
The whale isn't the only mammal with a blow hole! Think about it!
BOBBY turns to REX and quietly speaks.
BOBBY
How does that guy know so much about aquatic life? And how did that guy hear us?
REX waves off BOBBY. He instead turns his attention to ED TRUCK.
REX
ED TRUCK. There will be no . . .seaman. We must know what happened last night. Do you know where our video tape is? Who has it? Is it at O'Richards?
ED TRUCK looks at REX with one eye closed.
ED TRUCK
You know what kind of bonus is waiting for me? DAVID WALLACE went to NEW YORK. He's in New York telling corporate now how big winners we all are here. This may be the last you ever hear of ED TRUCK. I may be Head of Sales for the company soon!
BOBBY storms over to ED TRUCK.
BOBBY
Listen here, ED TRUCK. One way to make sure you get that promotion is to help us submit our video. It'll show corporate how productive and exciting a workplace it is here at DUNDER MIFFLIN - SCRANTON and they'll have to promote you. No brainer. So please. Help us help you. We need a clue. Do you have any?
ED TRUCK squints at BOBBY.
ed truck
You have very blue eyes.
BOBBY recoils.
BOBBY
We aren't playing a game here, ED TRUCK! We need your help!
ED TRUCK
If it's game clue you wish to play – play we shall.
ED TRUCK staggers to the door and enters the office. From out in the office, ED TRUCK can be heard stumbling into a desk. There are voices of shock. He can be heard slurring a loud speech to the office- unseen by BOBBY, CHRIS and REX.
ED TRUCK
Listen up shlubs. We've gotten a mystery at hand. We all know that SKYMALL has fluttered into our nest and has begun to suckle on our bosoms. But ladies and gentlemen - we are living the life of the board game Clue! Be prepared for a wild twist of fate and endless fun and excited. You my friends, are in for a treat!
Unseen – CREED can be heard replying from across the office.
CREED
It's like Blue's Clues. Let me get my good blue crayons. Anyone have any paper?
Unseen – PHYLLIS can be heard meekly replying.
PHYLLIS
ED TRUCK, you look horrible.
Unseen – DWIGHT now chimes in
DWIGHT
PHYLLIS, we need to be mindful of our Director. Sure he is celebrating the capture of SKYMALL but the real matter at hand is that god awful sweater you're wearing. Only serial killers and rich Dutch Herdsman wear sweaters that ugly. I know for a fact you don't possess the jaw line of a herdsman so you do the math.
PHYLLIS doesn't reply but STANLEY does.
STANLEY
I for one like PHYLLIS' sweater. But now that you mention it . . . you know who looks like a serial killer. TOBY. TOBY has a serial killer jaw line.
MICHAEL
The only thing TOBY kills . . . is boners.
ED TRUCK pokes his head back into the room and holds onto the door frame. He struggles to focus but eventually finds BOBBY, CHRIS and REX at the back of the room.
ED TRUCK
And so, it begins. Let's adjourn in the ballroom.
ED TRUCK pauses. He lifts his hand to his mouth to mimic the movement of a pipe. He again squints.
ED TRUCK
I dare say it's TOBY in the Ballroom with a lead pipe dear Watson!
ED TRUCK disappears out the door again. There's a long pause.
REX
Not to split hairs but . . . I don't remember a "Watson" in Clue. I think he's mistaken.
Angrily, CHRIS spats back and storms out the room.
CHRIS
You think!?
END SCENE
INT. HR OFFICE. DAY
TOBY IS AT THE COMPUTER. BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX ARE STILL ON EDGE ABOUT THE MISSING TAPE. THEY ARE STANDING AROUND HIS DESK IMPATIENTLY. ED TRUCK HAS BEEN SNEAKING DRINKS FROM A SECOND FLASK. HE IS STEADILY GETTING EVEN MORE INTOXICATED MUCH TO TOBY'S DISMAY. ED TRUCK IS SEATED ON THE FLOOR CROSS LEGGED.
TOBY
Hey listen guys. I know you had fun last night but this is pretty unprofessional. I have reports to file and I'd like to help you find the missing tape but I'm really busy. I am getting started on the onboarding file for JIM and beginning to start the hiring process for the Receptionist position left vacant by JUDY.
ED TRUCK slowly and gingerly gets up from the floor. He walks over to TOBY and slams his hand on the computer monitor.
ED TRUCK
Who said anything about a missing tape, dear Watson? And where is the gin you speak of.
ED TRUCK burps. TOBY looks to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX for reprieve. They are unwavering. ED TRUCK is swaying side to side ever so slightly.
TOBY
You did. And . . . I said JIM. Not gin. The salesman we interviewed and hired yesterday. He was at O'Richards with us. Everyone really likes him. He's going to be great here. He basically saved the SKYMALL account.
ED TRUCK draws in long breath. On the exhale, he leans in close to TOBY.
ED TRUCK
You're putting words in my mouth. I don't like having things stuffed in my mouth. Unless we have a safe word. Did we or did we not hire someone yesterday.
TOBY leans away from ED TRUCK and waves his hand in the air – as if ED TRUCK's breath is heavy with alcohol.
TOBY
We hired JIM. You said he could start in right away . . . right before "peak paper season".
BOBBY
TOBY! We need to find the tape for our camera. It's missing. It contains all the footage we've shot and it's necessary for us to finish this project. You were with us at O'Richards last night – right? What happened!?
TOBY looks back to his computer screen and clears his throat.
TOBY
I was.
CHRIS
WELL!? Can you help us?
TOBY
Well. We left the office after the SKYMALL thing. Then. I left after you guy's at O'Richards when you starting betting on who could spit a ping pong ball across the room and hit MICHAEL'S stomach.
CHRIS clasps his hands on his head. BOBBY closes his eyes and cringes.
REX
TOBY. I need you to be very clear with me. When did you leave. What time. We need to retrace our steps.
TOBY
I left around 11. Just before that, CHRIS and DWIGHT were finishing their wrestling match.
ED TRUCK
TOBY you magnificent creature. You've been a wonderful help. Gentlemen. We ride to DWIGHT's! Saddle Up!
ED TRUCK takes off to the office heading towards DWIGHT's desk.
CHRIS
Did you . . . witness . . . the wrestling match, TOBY?
TOBY drops the level on his voice.
TOBY
We all did.
CHRIS winces.
TOBY
It's on the tape.
CHRIS turns quickly to BOBBY and REX.
CHRIS
We really need to find that tape.
END SCENE
INT. OFFICE. DWIGHT + MICHAEL's DESKs
ED TRUCK IS PACING BACK AND FORTH AT DWIGHT'S DESK. MICHAEL IS STILL WEARING THE LARGE SUNGLASSES AND HIS HOOD IS PULLED UP. THE REST OF THE OFFICE STAFF ARE LABORING THROUGH THEIR HANGOVERS BUT ARE TRANSFIXED ON WHAT ED TRUCK IS DOING. BOBBY, CHRIS, AND REX HAVE JOINED ED TRUCK AT DWIGHT'S DESK BUT ARE UNSURE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING.
DWIGHT
ED TRUCK. I know this tactic. You are good cop and then you'll let the camera goofs be bad cops. Have you forgotten I am going through the Sheriff training program and I'm fully attuned to negotiation tactics of the great state of Pennsylvania State Troopers. I'm almost disgusted you don't recall my morning debriefings on this.
ED TRUCK
DWIGHT. Listen to me carefully.
DWIGHT
I'm listening. I may not choose to hear you but I'm listening.
MICHAEL
Ugh. That makes no sense. Does anyone have anything that I can throw at DWIGHT.
DWIGHT
It's not my fault JIM let you win the account we call SKYMALL, MICHAEL. You're inability to close a large sale somehow still allows you to carry the title "Salesman of the Year" when clearly – you aren't. JIM confirmed that sale. Not you.
MICHAEL extends his arm above his head with an open hand. PHYLLIS gets up and puts a box of paper clips in his hand. MICHAEL throws them at DWIGHT from across the desk. They shower over him but DWIGHT is unphased.
ANGELA
That was wasteful.
MICHAEL
ANGELA. See. That right there. Unhelpful. Today of all days. I won SKYMALL. I now have a killer hangover. These camera guys need to get their tape back from me and you're not helping. I'm pretty sure I missed Fresh Prince last night too so now I'm 3 weeks behind -
ED TRUCK pauses and leaps over to MICHAEL's desk. He gets right in MICHAEL's face.
ED TRUCK
What did you just say, SCOTT. Did you say you have the tape.
MICHAEL slowly takes off his glasses and looks at ED TRUCK.
MICHAEL
Yeah. So. Maybe I did. I want to make a deal. I have with me 3 briefcases. Let's. Make. A. Deal.
CHRIS
MICHAEL. We can discuss deals later. Right now, we need that tape.
MICHAEL spins his chair and looks at CHRIS. He reaches into his desk drawer.
MICHAEL
It's . . . right . . . here!
MICHAEL pulls out his Tape Dispenser and begins laughing and pointing hysterically at the guys.
MICHAEL
I have your tape right here!
DWIGHT shakes his head disapprovingly. MICHAEL tosses the tape dispenser to ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK catches it and proceeds to turn around and launch it across the office in anger. It shatters at the reception desk. Everyone stops and there's a hush in the office. JIM HALPERT is standing beside the reception desk with a camera tape in his hand and a coffee in the other. JIM looks at the shattered Tape Dispenser and then back to ED TRUCK.
ED TRUCK
*EXPLICIT* OFF! WHERE IS THE TAPE!
The office falls quiet in shock from ED TRUCK's profanity. After a few moments. JIM speaks.
JIM
Hell of an arm, ED.
TED, who has been oblivious this whole time, turns around from the copier machine.
TED
What.
JIM points at TED and laughs.
JIM
Still doin' this eh.
TED
What.
ED TRUCK's snaps his head towards TED.
ED TRUCK
Listen *EXPLICIT* face. I'm *EXPLICIT* tired of your *EXPLICIT* antics! For *EXPLICIT* sakes. Shut the *EXPLICIT* up, TED! We need the *EXPLICIT* tape!
TED and ED TRUCK stare directly at one another. TED nods and looks around to the rest of the staff.
TED
K.
TED disappears behind the filing cabinets. ED TRUCK shakes his head and appears to try and calm himself.
Jim
Okay. Glad that's out of the way. Anyway. Hello everyone. For those who had too many tequila shots last night and forget - I am JIM HALPERT –
CREED stands up and waves to JIM and shouts across the office.
CREED
HEY! I'M CREED! DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY TROLL COLLECTION? THEY ALL HAVE FUNKY HAIR AND FUNKIER NAMES!
CREED pulls out a troll doll from his desk and shows it to JIM from across the office.
CREED
THIS ONE'S NAME IS COOKIE!
JIM smiles and raises one eyebrow. CREED sits down and proceeds to play with the troll on his desk.
JIM
Cool. Ok. Uh. Looks like everyone took the SKYMALL win well. But, I found this in my jacket this morning. I guess I must have had it in there when I left O'Richards. I think we may have switched jackets or something eh . . . REX?
REX walks across the office and looks at the tape and then looks at JIM. REX hugs JIM at little to tight and a little to long for JIM's comfort.
JIM
Hey . . . you. Just, just a tape fella. I didn't save a life here.
REX continues the hug and speaks into JIM's neck. His voice is muffled but JIM can hear it.
REX (in jim's ear)
You saved my life.
ED TRUCK saunters over to JIM. JIM is put off from ED TRUCK's appearance and is holding in his laughter. REX releases him from the hug and takes the tape back to BOBBY and CHRIS who are relieved. ED TRUCK draws in a deep breath and looks directly at JIM.
ED TRUCK
SKYMALL IS our ticket out, JIM. You have a long career here at DUNDER MIFFLIN if you flex those selling chops. Who knows. Maybe one day you'll be me.
JIM smiles confidently and tries his stab at another joke.
JIM
And maybe you'll be me.
A look of confusion comes across ED TRUCK's face.
ED TRUCK
I'd be me. But different. You'd be this me. I'd be the new me. You'd be the old me but the new you.
ED TRUCK stops abruptly. He slouches his shoulders.
ED TRUCK
Man. I am wasted.
JIM does his classic "JIM FACE" to the rest of the office workers and then proceeds.
JIM
Alright. Well. Let's get some sales closed. We're salesmen, aren't we? The old saying goes – "A maybe doesn't know it's a no or a yes."
JIM suddenly stops and looks directly at ED TRUCK.
JIM
Oh shoot. What I meant to say was – "A 50% doesn't know if it's a 75% or a 110%". Right?
JIM smiles slyly. A smile starts to appear on the corner of ED TRUCK's lips. JIM hands ED TRUCK the coffee that was in his hand – a gesture to "sober up". He sips it. ED TRUCK stands up a little straighter and with a proud voice – he addresses JIM.
ED TRUCK
We got work to do.
END SCENE
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM.
THE ENTIRE OFFICE HAS GATHERED IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM EXCEPT FOR ED TRUCK – WHO IS IN HIS OFFICE. HE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR. CHRIS IS FIDDLING WITH THE TV AND CASSETTE PLAYER TO SET UP AND REVIEW THE NIGHT THEY RECORDED BUT HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF. JIM IS STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE.
ANGELA
We need to open a window in here. It smells like a brewery. The fumes are nauseating.
ANGELA sniffs the air in front of her and waves her hands as if to clear the smell.
CREED
Sniffing is just your nose asking a question.
ANGELA
It's not a question, CREED. This is a demand.
STANELY
ANGELA. Please. I'm sure you can take this for a couple minutes. It's not that bad.
MICHAEL perks up.
MICHAEL
Smells like a brewery! HAHA. Who said that?
PHYLLIS
What is funny, MICHAEL? It's horrible in here. Maybe we should try opening a window?
MICHAEL turns to PHYLLIS. He is unimpressed.
PHYLLIS
That's what she said, MICHAEL.
STANLEY
What?
MICHAEL
Apparently, that's what she said.
ANGELA speaks.
ANGELA
Yes. That's what I said.
REX, who was helping CHRIS with the TV turns around confused.
REX
I'm sorry? Did you say something?
TOBY
ANGELA said it smelt like a brewery in here. I must admit. It sort of has a funk of dank chinook hops. Maybe even some lower quality mash. It smells like our . . .
MICHAEL burps loudly.
MICHAEL
That's what she said. It's funny. You're not funny. Shut it, TOBY.
REX turns back to assist CHRIS.
REX
Hmm.
PHYLLIS
How is that funny? Are you still drunk? That makes no sense.
MICHAEL sticks his tongue out at PHYLLIS. As he does, CHRIS steps back from the TV and Cassette player. JIM notices that the TV is set and speaks.
JIM
Okay. Well. Everyone. I think we are about ready to go. Unless! We need to crack a window first?
JIM looks to DWIGHT who is closest to the window. DWIGHT stares daggers back at JIM.
JIM
Hey. Don't kill the messenger guy. Open a window. That's what she said.
DWIGHT stands out of his chair and proceeds to open a window. JIM "tsk-tsks".
JIM
That's more of a "crack". That's not an "open". Difference between the two. Maybe scooch that "open" a tad more, DWIGHT.
DWIGHT opens the window the whole way. DWIGHT sits and mutters
DWIGHT(under breath)
I'll crack you.
JIM leans forward. He points to the open window.
JIM
See. Open window. That's. What. She. Said.
JIM smiles. DWIGHT doesn't.
JIM
Finally. I think it's time to watch the video.
CREED gets up out of his chair and walks across the room to JIM. He extends his hand out to shake JIM's hand.
CREED
The name is CREED.
JIM looks confused but shakes CREED's hand. CREED smiles and heads back to his seat.
JIM
Okay – Umm. Yeah – So I think it's only fair that we all get to see what actually happened last night. I for one would like to know. Am I hired? Am I not? I don't know.
JIM looks around the room for a laugh. He gets no response.
JIM
Okay. Yeah. Whatever. I tried.
CHRIS cuts off JIM.
CHRIS
The main point is the tape has been returned. We are going to play this one time and one time only. I think we all deserve to see what is on this tape – good or bad. I feel since we are all involved that we all are owed the explanation. I think I can speak for TOBY when I say that the HR component on this viewing can be "waived".
Everyone looks to TOBY. He has a note pad and a pen. TOBY calmy puts his hand on his fist. He opens a new page on the note pad.
TOBY
We'll see.
At the back of the room, BOBBY and REX are nervously looking on. They nod at CHRIS. CHRIS presses play.
The highlighted portions are seen through the camera-lens as it is recorded material.
OUT. PARKING LOT OF O'RICHARDS. EARLY NIGHT
BOBBY and CHRIS are following DWIGHT into the pub. REX is recording. Unseen, REX.
REX
Hey, guys- who do you think is going to win this thing? Are you even sure they have the console and the game in there?
DWIGHT stops and turns around.
DWIGHT
Cute. You think I didn't call to get this arranged? You think I wouldn't pull all the strings to seize this opportunity? Besides a pair of corduroy slacks; a man's confidence is the next best thing to steal.
DWIGHT stands up in the conference room and cheers.
DWIGHT
Damn straight. Anyone ever try to sell you used corduroy's? Chances are they came from a dead man or a very dumb man.
DWIGHT sits down amid a loud "shhh" from everyone.
chris
I think you're not giving me the benefit of the doubt, DWIGHT. I told you at the office that I am undefeated at Golden Eye.
MICHAEL comes into the camera running and hopping around. He is clearly amped up for the match.
MICHAEL
GAHH! DWIGHT is going to wish he gave you more benefits and doubts! A whole roll of benefits with a cute little doubt on top!
PAN TO BOBBY. He looks directly at the camera. Behind BOBBY, STANLEY can be seen with a unknown woman talking very close and giggling.
BOBBY
CHRIS is going to destroy DWIGHT!
STANLEY sighs.
STANLEY
Can you guys fast forward to the good parts? I don't need to relive the "whole night".
MICHAEL snickers.
MICHAEL
Yeah. We don't want to see STANLEY's private parts.
CHRIS looks to JIM and they shrug. They fast forward.
MEREDITH
HEY! STOP! It's starting!
CHRIS hits pause and then play. The video begins again.
INT. O'RICHARDS PUB.
CHRIS AND DWIGHT ARE SEATED IN FRONT OF A TV. THE CAMERA IS POSITIONED ON A TABLE BEHIND THEM CAPTURING THE SCREEN. EVERYONE IS HUDDLED AROUND THE TV.
DWIGHT
Ok. Winner takes all. One on One.
DWIGHT extends his hand out and CHRIS shakes it. The game starts. As the game goes begins, someone's buttocks blocks the view of the TV. Everyone begins to cheer. However, the person's rear is still blocking the screen.
MICHAEL
Hey! It's TIM! The guy from the interview today! Hey man get over here! You got us the SKYMALL ACCOUNT YOU OL RASCAL!
JIM
Hey . . . you. It's JIM. With a J. JIM. Thanks. Oh. 007. Nice. I love this game.
DWIGHT
AH! DUAL KLOBBS! Get some!
MICHAEL storms out of his chair and tries to swipe the person off the screen. He tries swiping them off with his index finger.
MICHAEL
I wish there was some way to push this person out of the way. We're missing the whole thing!
PHYLLIS
MICHAEL. Don't smudge the screen.
MICHAEL turns around slowly. He stares at PHYLLIS and drags his finger across the screen. The person is still blocking the screen.
OSCAR
Ok. How about we keep fast forwarding. This is getting ridiculous.
CHRIS fast forwards the tape.
OSCAR
OKAY! Right there!
CHRIS stops and plays the tape.
INT. O'RICHARDS. BOOTH.
EVERYONE IS SITTING AT A BOOTH. REX IS STILL FILMING. HE FOCUSES IN ON CHRIS.
rex
CHRIS, how does it feel to be still undefeated at 007. All these years of being undefeated and now what. What will you do.
CHRIS smiles and looks into the camera.
CHRIS
Well. I have been working my whole life for this moment and I can't even think of who to thank in this moment. I'd first like to thank –
A handsome male bartender enters with drinks.
BARTENDER
I have 4 beers and one vodka soda.
The bartender sets down the drinks. He smiles at OSCAR. OSCAR smiles back.
OSCAR
Thanks barkeep.
BARTENDER
Call me, TRENT.
The two men smile at one another.
OSCAR (under his breath)
TRENT!
The camera pans to DWIGHT who is sulking.
BOBBY grabs a beer bottle and uses it like a microphone.
BOBBY
We have here, DWIGHT. He has been utterly humiliated at 007. DWIGHT, what do you have to say for yourself.
DWIGHT looks at CHRIS.
DWIGHT
Double or nothing. WWF Warzone.
CHRIS slams his beer and leans across the booth.
CHRIS
You're on! Let's wrestle!
REX spins the camera around to his face.
REX
Let's wrestle!
CHRIS turns to TOBY.
CHRIS
WRESLTING MATCH … ON N64!?
TOBY shrugs and smiles meekly. DWIGHT gets up out of his chair and addresses CHRIS and JIM smugly.
DWIGHT
We can fast forward to the end of the match. That way, we all can witness my finishing move.
MEREDITH
Easy there, cowboy. Enjoy the ride. Let us all finish when we want. You finish when I finish. I like to finish myself.
DWIGHT sits down smiling.
CHRIS
Alright, DWIGHT. Double or nothing. I win, you buy the drinks all night. Every. Single. One. The whole tab. If you win –
DWIGHT interrupts CHRIS.
DWIGHT
When I win; I get to be the host and voice over the corporate video.
CHRIS shrugs off DWIGHT with confidence. DWIGHT produces a thick set of folded papers. He lays them in front of CHRIS.
DWIGHT
You're lucky I always travel with a contract template in my breast pocket. Sign here. Here. Initial here. And we have our deal.
DWIGHT lays down a pen and CHRIS picks it up.
CHRIS
Deal!
DWIGHT turns to the camera and smiles cunningly.
bobby
NO. You didn't . . .
CHRIS
Haha you're going down, DWIGHT! I will even swear on my unborn child that I will win this!
CHRIS gasps and paces away from the TV with his hand over his mouth.
MEREDITH
UM HEY! I want to finish. I haven't finished yet. Finish me off boys.
JIM fast forwards the tape. There are fast images of MICHAEL with his shirt off, ED TRUCK doing karaoke, STANLEY leaving the bar with a different woman, CREED eating hard-boiled eggs and jerky at the bar and finally DWIGHT celebrating.
MEREDITH
Right there!
JIM clicks play.
DWIGHT is smiling cunningly at the camera. It quickly pans to CHRIS who is sitting looking stunned at a TV screen that is flashing – "DWT WINS! CRS LOSES!"
DWIGHT
I promise to rest my vocal cords tonight. I also have ideas for the flow of the video opening that I wish to discuss. We all learned today to never doubt DWIGHT.
DWIGHT begins chanting "NEVER DOUBT DWIGHT" and the bar erupts in the chant. The camera pans the crowd and TODD PACKER can be seen standing on the bar chugging a beer. The camera then pans back to CHRIS's face. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
BOBBY
This isn't happening. We will not allow it. Where the heck were you JIM? Why didn't you stop this?
JIM shrugs and looks at BOBBY matter-of-factly.
JIM
I kinda just leave parties. I'm there one second then gone the next. I picked it up in college. Sort of a skill.
BOBBY then turns to ED TRUCK.
BOBBY
ED TRUCK?! I need to find ED TRUCK!
BOBBY goes to head out the door and retrieve ED TRUCK but is suddenly greeted by ED TRUCK in the doorway. He is clean shaven, has a new suit and appears dead sober as he calmly sips his coffee.
BOBBY
HEY! ED TRUCK! You – uhh – you look better. Uh. We need your help here. Apparently, DWIGHT has rights to the video we are shooting and -
ED TRUCK sips his coffee slowly and loudly which interrupts BOBBY.
ED TRUCK
From now on. I am solely focused on SKYMALL. I am straightening up my act. JIM has awoken my inner salesman again. His youthful exuberance has re-ignited my flame.
ED TRUCK winks at JIM. JIM stares blankly back. The room goes quiet. All the office workers look to ED TRUCK. BOBBY steps away slowly. The video continues in the background.
ED TRUCK
Let's celebrate DWIGHT'S BIG WIN! HEY PACKMAN – come drink with us! Listen up amigos! Let's all get tequila shots a fire ping pong balls at Scott's belly! Someone get the marker!
Everyone looks over to the TV. An image of ED TRUCK firing back 4 shots of tequila in a row can be seen. He grabs the camera and kisses the lens.
ED TRUCK sips the coffee again and nods to the office members and then to the TV. He inhales deeply and goes to speak. Instead, he sips his coffee again and turns around and leaves the doorway.
END SCENE
OUTRO
PBS OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.
TIM IS SITTING IN HIS OFFICE LOOKING OVER A FEW FILES SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THE TELEPHONE ON HIS DESK RINGS. HE GRABS IT QUICKLY.
TIM
Hello. Go for Tim.
BOBBY
Tim. It is BOBBY.
TIM shoots forward in his desk intently.
TIM
BOBBY! How are things at WUNDER FLUFFIN? How's the corporate shoot going? You guys will be done and ready to submit for approval tomorrow?
The phone goes quiet.
TIM
Hey? BOBBY? Hello? You there?
BOBBY lets out a sigh. TIM lowers his voice as he hears BOBBY sigh.
TIM
BOBBY. What happened. Is everything okay?
BOBBY
TIM. We've got a situation.
TIM puts the phone against his chest and looks to the ceiling. He pauses for a moment and then pulls the phone back down to his ear.
TIM
What is the situation this time, BOBBY. Is it money? Is it drugs? Do you have a body? Did someone see you with the body? If they seen you with the body, I mean I can call my guy down at the Precinct, but you got to get your hands on some bleach, some margarine and a burlap sack. They sell all of that down at the hardware store on 2nd Street. Use cash. BOBBY, I can't stress it enough make sure you use –
BOBBY cuts TIM off.
BOBBY
TIM. Do you remember what you told us when the Zoo piece aired.
TIM ponders for a moment as the question has caught him off guard.
TIM
Yeah. I said you should of called the guy from Legal in. You should of got the Auditor there and pulled our Corporate Security in there to really catch them off guard. Reigned fire on them -
TIM trails off as he realizes what BOBBY has been referring too. TIM's eyes go wide.
BOBBY
Get the guy from Legal. Tell them we have a situation.
END OF EPISODE
This content is non-commercial fan fiction. It was written out of admiration of the original writings. I only intended to present MY OWN view of what COULD have taken place before the original works. Any characters, settings or other details from the original works that have made their way into my stories are owned and belong to NBC Universal and any other relevant copyright holders. I do not own any other Trademarked Materials which includes any mentioned items/people/places/things/etc held in Copyright. This work is available for enjoyment of fellow enthusiast that wish to be taken into a fictitious prologue of the beloved storyline. It is not to be distributed in any manner for the purpose of monetary gain.
