Brandon Road / .com
THE OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE
The OFFICE: FROM THERE TO HERE. An origin story.
EpiSODE 9: What's this in my inbox?
By
Brandon Road.
FAde In:
INTRO
FRIDAY. MORNING. ED TRUCK'S OFFICE. INT.
EVERYONE HAS RECOVERED FROM YESTERDAY'S HANGOVER AND CAMERA TAPE FIASCO AND ARE GOING ON ABOUT THEIR DAYS. ED TRUCK RECONCILED WITH JIM HALPERT AND THEY ARE CURRENTLY IN A MEETING TOGETHER IN HIS OFFICE. MICHAEL IS SEATED AT JUDY'S OLD RECEPTION STATION. DWIGHT IS PACING THE RECEPTION AREA WITH A CLIPBOARD. HE APPEARS DEEP IN THOUGHT AND IN HIS OWN WORLD. EVERYONE ELSE IS SILENTLY WORKING.
MICHAEL
Isn't it crazy that we've had no receptionist since JUDY left. Like are we even looking to hire anyone to replace her? This job has a lot of moving parts. Who knew. I always thought she was more of a voice than a brain.
MICHAEL throws a bin up on the reception desk. He reaches behind the reception area and throws up another.
MICHAEL
This is titled "Inbox" and this is titled "Outbox". First off. They're bins thank you very much. Not boxes. Secondly, why be so cryptic with the names. In what? What's coming in? Out? What's going out? Where do I put the trash? Is there protocol for sending mail from here to someone else? What if there is mail here I need to junk? Is there priority mail? How do I get my jokes to my fellow co-workers? So many questions. . .
MICHAEL picks one envelope out of the INBOX and reads the name on the front.
MICHAEL
Sorry KATHE, spelt with an "E" – but I am uncapable of doing my job because I haven't been told how to do it. Buh-bye KATHE.
MICHAEL drops the envelope back into the INBOX and throws his hands up in defeat. DWIGHT stops and makes a quick note on his clipboard. MICHAEL notices.
MICHAEL
Hey. Clipboard guy. What are you doing.
DWIGHT
MICHAEL. First off, anyone named "KATHE" and spelt with an "E" is a pyscho. Dispose of that envelope at once.
MICHAEL grabs it, crumples it, looks around and throws it over his shoulder. It lands on the floor.
MICHAEL
We're getting somewhere! What now, DWIGHT!
DWIGHT
Let me put this to you in the simplest way I can. Digestion starts in the mouth. You are sitting in DUNDER MIFFLIN's mouth. You are at the very start of our visitor's journey with DUNDER MIFFLIN.
MICHAEL looks at DWIGHT with a blank stare.
MICHAEL
My mouth is not a stomach, DWIGHT. My stomach is my stomach.
DWIGHT pulls a paper off his clipboard and begins drawing an outline of a head. He then draws arrows pointing into the head's mouth. MEREDITH, who was at the copier machine takes notice.
MEREDITH
What ya guys drawin' there?
MICHAEL
DWIGHT is showing me what to do with my mouth when I get visitors or something. I don't know.
MEREDITH leans over and takes a look at DWIGHT's drawing. She raises her eyebrows and looks to MICHAEL.
MEREDITH
That's one way of doing it.
DWIGHT looks to the drawing and then to MEREDITH. He connects the dots and crumples up the paper in frustration. MEREDITH laughs and continues her work at the copier. DWIGHT turns to MICHAEL.
DWIGHT
Listen - TOBY has outsourced the task of managing the hiring process for the receptionist position to me. ED TRUCK has also tasked me with writing the Job Description. He trusts me to manage this and he trust you to manage –
DWIGHT waves his arms in the general direction of the reception area.
DWIGHT
You to manage that. For the time being. You really clucked up the SKYMALL situation. ED TRUCK was clear that if it wasn't for JIM, we may have lost the sale. Please quit disrupting me – AH! Great point.
DWIGHT scribbles down a note and reads it aloud as he does.
DWIGHT
Silent self-starter willing to learn but more willing to listen. Diligent with learning. More diligent with listening on a self-starting basis.
STANLEY drops his pencil on his desk and leans back in his chair. He addresses MICHAEL and DWIGHT from across the office confidently.
STANLEY
Thy gracious God gave you two ear holes and one mouth hole. You are to listen twice as much as you are supposed to talk. Life lesson. Maybe write that down to, DWIGHT.
MEREDITH
Thy gracious God gave us plenty of holes.
ANGELA
Gosh. MEREDITH. That is disgusting. It's 10am. I am not here to hear you talk about holes. Can we all agree on that?
OSCAR
Thank You, ANGELA.
OSCAR and ANGELA share polite nods and continue to work. MEREDITH snorts and continues about her work. During this time, MICHAEL has been sifting through the "INBOX" contents and pulls out wet and gooey parcels.
MICHAEL
Something in this inbox smells like poo. And it's wet. But not a good wet. Or a good poo. It's more of a bad. Wet. Poo.
MICHAEL continues to sift out more wet parcels and puts them on the reception desk.
MICHAEL
WOW. We sure do have a full box.
Across the office, MEREDITH perks up and is about to respond with a snarky remark. ANGELA stops her.
ANGELA
No, MEREDITH.
MEREDITH cowers and goes back to work. Meanwhile, DWIGHT has taken notice of MICHAEL's situation and has walked over to inspect. He quickly reaches into the inbox and pulls out a leaking SPAM container.
DWIGHT
Ou. Looky here. We have found the source of the problem. Folks. Please eyes on me. ASAP.
DWIGHT walks to the front of the office and holds out the SPAM container.
DWIGHT
To the irresponsible individual, or individuals, who left this SPAM container in the inbox, please heed. That is not the proper receptacle for this particular item. Never shall there be SPAM in our inbox. I cannot stress this enough; RECYCLING will be a followed here. I will see to it that this office will be a recycle-friendly facility so help me God of the Sun. Secondly, lunch is to be consumed in the designated area. To the individual, or individuals who were to consume this unholy trash-bucket of meat for "lunch" -
As DWIGHT is talking, a serious looking man in a suit appears behind him. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX are accompanying him. They are standing behind the man looking stern. The leading man speaks.
MAN
Hello. DUNDER MIFFLIN.
DWIGHT slowly turns to the man. Everyone in the office notices and holds their breath. DWIGHT drops the SPAM container. He walks over to the man. He sizes him up. DWIGHT takes a deep sniff. He exhales slowly.
DWIGHT
I smell Legal Document. 32lbs stock. 8.5 x 11 with a single cross braided inseam and –
DWIGHT sniffs the other side of the man. He then bites the air.
DWIGHT(con't)
FCC Certified "Black Midnight" Government Issued toner ink . . . it's thick in here. I can almost smear it.
DWIGHT steps back from the man and looks to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX. DWIGHT has concluded that the man is a lawyer.
DWIGHT
Why is there a lawyer in our office. Lawyers are like vampires, you cannot enter a home without being invited in. Who invited you.
BOBBY speaks up.
BOBBY
We did. DWIGHT. We don't want any trouble. We just want to clear up the confusion that we in fact still own the rights to the video and the whole – thing – last night was merely a joke.
DWIGHT chuckles.
rex
It's not funny, DWIGHT. It's serious.
DWIGHT chuckles louder.
MAN
I am not amused.
DWIGHT chuckles even louder and continues to walk back to his desk. Everyone watches him sit down. He is still chuckling. The office goes quiet.
MAN
Who may be representing you in legal counsel here? Are they present?
DWIGHT lets out an even louder laugh from across the office. Confused, the Man turns around to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX. They all share a moment of confusion. Suddenly, DWIGHT produces a crucifix from his desk alongside a clove of garlic.
DWIGHT
Be gone!
DWIGHT tosses the glove of garlic across the office pathetically. It rolls to the man's feet. He bends down casually and picks it up and inspects it. This shocks DWIGHT. The Man then proceeds to bite into the garlic and drop it back on the floor. DWIGHT's eyes go wide.
DWIGHT
(under his breath)
He's a hybrid. The legends are true.
END SCENE.
START OF EPISODE
INT. ED TRUCK'S OFFICE. DAY
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX ARE IN ED TRUCK'S OFFICE WITH THEIR LAWYER. ED TRUCK HAS SUMMONED DWIGHT INTO HIS OFFICE AND THEY ARE SEATED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE DESK. MICHAEL HAS TAGGED ALONG. *JIM HAS BEEN ASKED TO SIT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM WITH THE REMAINING SALES TEAM MEMBERS TO AID IN HIS ONBOARDING WHILE THE MATTER AT HAND GETS SETTLED*.
MAN
Good morning. My name is DONOVAN. I am part of the legal council for PBS and we are here today to discuss a particular legal matter –
MICHAEL
Objection.
DONOVAN
Pardon me, sir?
MICHAEL nods to ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK shakes his head. MICHAEL nods again. ED TRUCK shakes his head again. For a third time, MICHAEL nods and ED TRUCK slowly and purposefully shakes his head. This annoys DWIGHT. He is still holding the crucifix.
DWIGHT
Listen Hybrid-Vamp. It is a proud Shrute tradition that we honour only Farm-based court proceedings. Do you see a royal billy goat to guide us through this judicial journey? No. I don't. I don't know how you do it in Transylvania – but in this "Vania" we respect the code.
DONOVAN steps forward. DWIGHT stands up.
DWIGHT
OH. Alright. Listen here. DON-A-VAN. Before birth, us Schrute offspring were taught the values of syllables. My dear great half-step uncle on my mom's cousins side was a renowned scholar on syllables. He taught us that men with 3 syllable names are not to be trusted. He also hunted vamps. I have judged thee . . . not-admirable. I cast thee out!
DWIGHT continues to stare down the lawyer as he raises the crucifix. He reaches into his other hand and pulls out a clear sandwich bag of dirt.
DONOVAN
What is this nonsense?
DWIGHT
You of all beings should know. It's a bag of holy soil. I always carry blessed soil with me. Always. Some people believe in a lucky rabbits foot, some people believe in lucky hamster paws . . . us Shrutes take blessed soil with us everywhere we go.
DWIGHT takes the bag of "Holy Soil" and dumps its contents in a semi-circle in front of DONOVAN.
DONOVAN
I am perplexed as to what you may be doing. What is the nature of this Pagan-like ritualistic dirt circle?
ED TRUCK
DWIGHT! You will be cleaning that up with the dustbuster at once!
DWIGHT looks to ED TRUCK and then to DONOVAN. DWIGHT points to the semi-circle.
DWIGHT
If you do not wish to respect the rules of Vampires, then you will have to respect the rules of Ghosting. I have drawn a Holy Property line and have thus contained your ghosty-spirit within it.
DONOVAN doesn't respond. MICHAEL speaks up in a mocking manner.
MICHAEL
Try ghosting us now, Ghosty-Ghost.
DONOVAN looks to MICHAEL and then to DWIGHT. None of them say anything. Finally, CHRIS speaks.
CHRIS
Ok. Everyone. We just want to clear up the air here surrounding the video. From DWIGHT's perspective, he feels that he is entitled to the contents of the contract that I signed – while intoxicated. Clearly. It was a joke. We never intended to have the ownership change hands. Cmon, guys.
MICHAEL
Overruled.
DONOVAN speaks to BOBBY, CHRIS and REX but motions at MICHAEL.
DONOVAN
Does this poor soul have a disability? I have a brother-in-law that shares similar characteristics.
MICHAEL
The law tells you that you have a brother?
DONOVAN squints at MICHAEL.
DONOVAN
What is the name of your disability, sir?
MICHAEL
For a matter of fact, DONOVAN . . . it's called having too big of a heart. You know what, it's more of a pro-ability but you don't see me bragging about it.
donovan
I don't follow. There is a condition known as cardiomegaly – which is an enlarged heart. Are you saying this? I don't understand.
MICHAEL
Are you calling me the Grinch. Are you a Who. Is your name Horton.
Donovan
That is simply idiotic.
DONOVAN turns and addresses ED TRUCK –
donovan
Is he here on a worker placement program? Does he need to be in here? I am quite perplexed as to this whole situation.
ED TRUCK
MICHAEL, please I don't even remember asking you to be in here. Please head back out to the receptionist station like I requested early.
ED TRUCK motions for MICHAEL to leave.
MICHAEL
But cmon!
ED TRUCK
Out.
MICHAEL huffs and groans but gets up and leaves the office dragging his feet. He can be seen plopping down and reception with his arms folded; pouting. Ed TRUCK turns his attention back to DONOVAN once MICHAEL leaves.
ED TRUCK
Ok. Listen. You're wasting my time. You're wasting everyone's time here. You're wasting your own time. The document DWIGHT signed was not a legal binding document. Your film crew retains all the rights to however you wish to produce the video –
DWIGHT tries to step in and object with ED TRUCK but ED TRUCK raises his voice to talk over DWIGHT.
ED TRUCK
-now please leave us be and BOBBY, CHRIS and REX please go about finishing your video. We are all excited to see the finished product and how it will aid us here at DUNDER MIFFLIN. It is my understanding that corporate has paid handsomely for it and it's due this afternoon? I want it to be completed.
REX
Correct. We can't thank you enough for understanding.
ED TRUCK
Well. Then that settles it. Don't let me change my mind. I don't want to be midnight working out all this nonsense. It's settled. DONOVAN. I appreciate you coming here, but it was kind of irrelevant. We could of sorted this out on our own.
DONOVAN
If I wasn't being paid $200/hr for this visit, I would of stayed at the office. This is billable hours. I am a venture capitalist and any opportunity to build my wealth . . . I take.
DWIGHT
Do you own a castle?
DONOVAN turns to DWIGHT.
DONOVAN
As a matter of fact. I do.
DWIGHT's eyes go wide. ED TRUCK stands up and buttons up his suit jacket signaling the end of the meeting. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX are clearly elated how quickly they were to settle the matter. DONOVAN has a smug look of satisfaction on his face. DWIGHT is expressionless.
ED TRUCK
Okay. Well. I'm sure you have plenty of lawyer-type things to do so perhaps BOBBY, CHRIS, REX you may show DONOVAN out.
BOBBY opens the door and CHRIS, REX and DONOVAN exit. DWIGHT slowly gets up and goes to leave ED TRUCK's office as well.
ED TRUCK
DWIGHT.
DWIGHT turns around.
ED TRUCK
You'll thank me someday. You'll see this as a lesson. We've done a lot of things here at DUNDER MIFFLIN that would come out if we had lawyers crawling around. We can't' have that. You know that right?
DWIGHT agrees with a solemn nod.
ED TRUCK
Good. We've had quite the week here haven't we. Now let's go get SKYMALL . . . JR. VP of Regional Sales.
A smile appears on DWIGHT's face. Him and ED TRUCK share an unspoken moment. DWIGHT then proceeds to head out of ED TRUCK's office.
ED TRUCK
Oh! DWIGHT. One more thing. After these guys are done – there will never ever be another camera crew in this office. I will take that to my grave. Now, go get the dustbuster and clean up your Holy Dirt.
DWIGHT stands at attention and salutes ED TRUCK. He heads out to the office to find the dustbuster. ED TRUCK spins in his chair and sips his coffee. He makes his way to his window and peaks out to the parking lot. BOBBY, CHRIS and Rex are seeing DONOVAN off.
ED TRUCK(under breath)
They'll have to chop my damn head off to get back in here.
END SCENE
out. parking lot. day
BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE SEEN DONOVAN OFF. THEY ARE ABOUT TO HEAD BACK INTO THE OFFICE BUILDING. BOBBY LOOKS TO HIS CO-WORKERS.
BOBBY
Well. That went better than expected, eh? A little overkill with DONOVAN there but . . . we needed to show we were serious.
The men begin to head towards the office. CHRIS nods.
CHRIS
Agreed. But. Let's get this project wrapped up and let's put this place behind us. I think we owe it to ourselves to get a move on here.
BOBBY turns to CHRIS.
BOBBY
Yeah. I doubt PBS will ever want to work with DUNDER MIFFLIN again. I think we've overstayed our welcome.
The 3 guys share a laugh and continue their path towards the office. REX notices CAM at the side of the warehouse. They share a wave. CAM stands at attention and salutes.
REX
I liked the warehouse group. They seemed genuine. It's quite the dynamic they share with the office members. That CAM guy is a real treat!
By now, CAM has disappeared back to the side of the building and out of sight.
CHRIS
Yeah. It is odd. They actually seem more able to run this damn show than the actual office workers! But whatever . . .
REX sucks his teeth and speaks longingly.
REX
Yeah. . . hopefully this video draws them closer as a company. God knows this place needs to be closer.
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX continue to walk in silence for a moment but then they all burst out laughing as they re-renter the office building.
HANK
What in God's Name is wrong with you people around here. Can't a man sit and enjoy some pizza in silence. First this clown and now you 3 . . . Gosh darn it.
HANK is seated behind his desk as usual but only this time he is with MICHAEL. They are sitting side by side. MICHAEL stands up and speaks to the PBS Guys from across the desk.
MICHAEL
Hey dudes. Just on break here from the grind upstairs. It's been a morning let me tell you. I needed a quick break, so I came down to visit a fellow desk buddy.
HANK
I told you don't call me that. I was clear to you. I ain't your buddy. I don't want to be your buddy. I don't think I'll ever be your buddy. So, stop saying it. Now please. Let me eat my lunch in peace.
MICHAEL proceeds unsolicited having ignored HANK's shot.
MICHAEL(cont)
You know how the saying says; "You don't know a person until you've travelled with his shoes?" Well, I suddenly feel that. Today, I am being entrusted with Receptionist duties –
HANK throws his pizza slice down on the desk and puts his head in his hands. BOBBY interjects.
BOBBY
Aren't you being punished for your performance during the SKYMALL call?
MICHAEL stops and glares at BOBBY.
MICHAEL
I'm being entrusted with the Receptionist duties . . . and you know what? I suddenly respect the role. I am learning more today about myself than any other day here. Astonishing. I came down here to chat with my new desk buddy HANK. We are swapping desk stories and I want to learn a few things from someone who's been glued to this mindless job for years.
HANK shoots his head up from his hands and frowns directly at MICHAEL. MICHAEL smiles at him and then pulls out a piece of paper.
MICHAEL
This is my list of "Truths and Thoughts" that I've conveniently learned today. My Convenient Truths and Thoughts list. I don't love the title but you get it. I've just been reviewing them with HANK. Like, oh, #5 "There are right- and left-handed scissors . . . but no right- and left-handed pencils."
MICHAEL looks to the guys looking for a response. He gets none so proceeds.
MICHAEL
Or. #17. "There are two sides to every story and 4 sides to every piece of paper".
Again, no response from anyone. HANK adjusts himself in his seat and picks up his pizza slice. He aggressively takes a bite and looks to MICHAEL. MICHAEL proceeds reading another point on his page.
MICHAEL
#27. If you think about it, a tree is just a baby piece of paper that hasn't grown up yet.
HANK lets out a large groan and picks up his pizza box. He walks around the desk.
HANK
Alright! That's enough! I'm out of here. Let me eat my damn Alfredo's Pizza in peace would you?!
HANK brushes past the PBS crew and heads outside carrying his pizza box mumbling to himself. REX looks to BOBBY then to CHRIS. He motions for them to get moving.
REX
Yeah, MICHAEL – we got to get back upstairs before –
MICHAEL suddenly has an idea hit him. He gasps and begins jotting down another "Truth and Thought" on his list. Once completed, he announces it to the PBS crew.
MICHAEL
#51. A Pizza-rita . . . or the Margarita Pizza. So, get this; a pizza served in margarita fashion. Served in a glass. Perhaps with some salt.
MICHAEL winks at the guys.
MCIHAEL
Most of what makes pizza so great is in the presentation really. Imagine the margarita -pizza-rita.
MICHAEL shuts his eyes. CHRIS quietly speaks up.
CHRIS
There is such thing as a Margherita Pizza. It's like a Government protected food in Italy.
MICHAEL slowly opens his eyes.
MICHAEL
Food can't be endangered, CHRIS. I'll be the judge of that. Not the government.
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX choose not to respond and head into the office. MICHAEL sits back down and instantly begins writing again. He reads aloud as he writes;
MICHAEL
Who actually "owns" pizza? The Government? Who decides where the crusts go? If you're from England, do they put the pizza on the other side of the crust?
MICHAEL takes a large bite of his pizza slice. A large chunk of cheese and pepperoni fall onto HANK's desk. MICHAEL looks around and then decides to lick it up. HANK has returned and is standing at the door. HANK sees what MICHAEL is doing and hammers his fist on the door.
HANK
Don't lick my desk!
END SCENE
INt. office. conference ROOM.
STANLEY, PHYLLIS AND TOBY ARE SEATED WITH JIM HALPERT IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM. THEY ARE REVIEWING THE SALES ROLE THAT JIM HAS APPARENTLY BEEN HIRED FOR.
PHYLLIS
So. JIM. What has ED TRUCK been saying about this role? I hope you are officially hired? Are you excited? Where is your desk going to be? We'll need to make space for you.
JIM
I believe so. ED TRUCK and I had a good chat this morning before the camera guys showed up with that Lawyer guy. We worked out a couple details. More less, he was ecstatic about yesterday. But, we certainly discussed the role at length and I am excited to start.
JIM looks out into the office. He sees CREED chewing on a pencil like a cob of corn. He winces.
JIM
PHYLLIS. I don't know where I'll be sitting but I do know where I won't be sitting.
STANLEY
JIM. Let me tell you. Yesterday was wack. Things were said. Things were done. But that's the paper world. You need to know that.
STANLEY leans closer and folds his hands on the conference table and becomes very serious.
STANLEY
This world can eat you alive. . . If you let it.
JIM smiles. Stanley doesn't. JIM's smile slowly fades. PHYLLIS slaps STANLEY's arm.
PHYLLIS
Don't scare him, STANLEY! Be nice!
STANLEY turns to PHYLLIS and then they both break out in laughter. JIM uncomfortably laughs along.
STANLEY
Haha! Don't you worry, JIM. It's all good. We are excited to have you. Let's go through your client list now – and then we can review call schedules, key accounts, KPI's and the CRM program we are hoping to implement on that there computer.
JIM turns to TOBY who is at the end of the room typing on his computer that is set up on a tiny desk on wheels.
JIM
You get all that, TOBY? Sounds like STANLEY has this on lock.
TOBY leans out from behind the computer screen and shrugs.
TOBY
I'm filling out your employee file and emailing it to corporate.
ED TRUCK enters the conference room brashly.
ED TRUCK
Alright Sales Team! Who's ready! Let's draft that email to SKYMALL.
TOBY meekly speaks.
TOBY
I'm just about done JIM's profile. Can it wait?
ED TRUCK isn't wavered. He looks to TOBY.
ed truck
No. It can't. Let's do the email. You finish your other HR mumbo-jumbo later.
ED TRUCK claps his hands and pans the room. A look of confusion comes across his face.
ED TRUCK
We need the WHOLE Sales Team in on this! Sorry JIM. Your onboarding will need to wait. You're going to witness the "New Age" in sales. We are going to send the most sales-y email that's ever been sent and those suckers at SKYMALL will be begging for our business! THEN! We will corner RICARDO on his holidays and seal this deal!
JIM
Can't wait. Hopefully we can capitalize on this sale.
ED TRUCK walks over to JIM.
ED TRUCK
What a strong sales word, JIM! Do me a favour and write down all the strong sales words you know. We are going to use that angle. It will really . . . what's the word I need here? JIM? You know what I mean? Make them do the sale. You know what I mean?
ED TRUCK starts to snap his fingers as he looks to the ceiling.
ED TRUCK
C'mon JIM! Make-a them do it?
JIM sucks his teeth then points to ED TRUCK.
jim
Motivize. You want to motivize them.
ED TRUCK nods approvingly.
ED TRUCK
Exactly. We want to motivize them.
ED TRUCK then walks back to the doorway and yells out into the office.
ED TRUCK
DWIGHT! Let's go! Sales Meeting. On the double!
DWIGHT can be seen slamming his phone down into the receiver. This loud distraction causes OSCAR to retort.
OSCAR
DWIGHT. Please. We've went over this. Do not slam your phone. Its distracting. And honestly, I think it may be a little rude to not just us, but the client that was on the phone as well.
DWIGHT gets up calmly.
DWIGHT
You know who that was, OSCAR. That was CANDACE from the Scranton Library. She just submitted another order for Encyclopedia Stock ¼ Thickness - Fullscap and 20 reams. For next week. That's who that was. Now if you excuse me. I am on a hot streak as JR. VP. Of Regional Sales and I plan on nailing this sale to SKYMALL. You can thank me now or you can thank me later.
DWIGHT pauses for effect and then begins walking briskly to the conference room. OSCAR ponders for a moment and then goes back to work. He then stops and stands up.
OSCAR
Whatever! But know this, if you guys get stumped on ideas, maybe use Eno's and Schmidt's Oblique Strategies. I have a stack of the cards in my desk. Happy to help when needed.
DWIGHT stops and turns back to OSCAR. OSCAR raises his hands and sits down.
OSCAR
Here when ya need me, DWIGHT.
DWIGHT grumbles and then heads back on his way to the conference room. ED TRUCK sees DWIGHT approach and then looks to reception.
ED TRUCK
MICHAEL. You are needed. You need to finalize and motivize this SKYMALL sale.
MICHAEL snaps his head up from behind the reception desk. MICHAEL currently has four large elastics around his head to hold the phone receiver in place. He hears that he has been summoned and he quickly gets out of his chair. As he does, he drags the phone right off the desk with him. ED TRUCK shakes his head.
ED TRUCK
Let's go, MICHAEL. You can leave the phone. We have one in the conference room.
MICHAEL
I spent about 30 minutes on this. Look! Hands-free!
MICHAEL waves his hands.
ED TRUCK
If you have the receiver picked up, MICHAEL, the line will be busy and you wouldn't be able to accept any calls. I like the idea but I also don't like the fact that you may have missed calls due to this. This is a clear problem. However, we have more pressing issues at hand. So, let's go.
MICHAEL doesn't seem to understand the concept. He shrugs and picks up the phone and unplugs the cord; leaving just the receiver on his head. He tosses everything else over the reception desk resulting in a loud bang and turns to the conference room. Again, OSCAR is interrupted and annoyed.
OSCAR
MICHAEL. Did you not hear me. Please. Be more mindful of others in this office. And please, take that phone of your head.
TED
What.
TED is standing at the XEROX machine looking around confused.
MICHAEL
Shut up and watch the reception desk you mutant.
MICHAEL walks towards the conference room. From behind him in the office TED yells again.
TED
WHAT?! Mutant. Are you serious.
Just then, BOBBY, CHRIS and REX enter the office with their camera in hand. They do a quick scan of the office. They see MICHAEL just as he enters the conference room. ED TRUCK sees the men.
ED TRUCK
Perhaps you 3 would like to join us, we are drafting an email to send to SKYMALL.
BOBBY looks to CHRIS and REX.
BOBBY
Awesome. We are almost full for content but this is very exciting. I appreciate the invite, ED TRUCK.
ED TRUCK smiles and the men file past him into the conference room. ED TRUCK then slams the door shut behind them. OSCAR takes a deep breath and exhales. ANGELA walks to his desk and hands him an ADVIL. OSCAR smiles politely and accepts the ADVIL.
OSCAR
That's very thoughtful of you. I do feel a headache coming on.
ANGELA points at a piece of graph paper on OSCAR's desk. It that has all the multiplication equations (and answers) on it up to 50. OSCAR has handwritten them out in very fine print.
ANGELA
I'd have a headache too if I had to read that to double check my work all day.
OSCAR
It's not what I'm reading that gives me the headaches but what I'm reading.
ANGELA
That's so dumb. That doesn't make sense.
OSCAR
It does to me.
ANGELA returns to her desk. OSCAR goes back to work. TED, who no one has responded to yet clears his throat loudly.
TED
I still don't know who they are. Does anyone want to help?
No one responds. TED then yells to the office.
TED
Anyone?! HELLO?!
OSCAR slams his head down on his desk, lets out a groan and covers his head with his hands in frustration. Again, ANGELA gets up and walks over to OSCAR's desk and drops yet another ADVIL.
END SCENE
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY.
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX ARE FILMING FROM BEHIND TOBY. HIS SCREEN IS OPEN TO A DRAFT EMAIL THAT IS ALMOST COMPLETE. ACROSS THE CONFERENCE TABLE IS STANLEY AND PHYLLIS WHO ARE LOOKING AT ED TRUCK. JIM IS PACING THE ROOM WITH HIS SLEEVES ROLLED UP. HE HAS A PAD AND PAPER IN HIS HANDS. MICHAEL IS BUSY WRITING AND DWIGHT IS SEATED DIRECTLY INFRONT OF ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE CHALKBOARD. "SKYMALL EMAIL" IS WRITTEN IN THE MIDDLE AND CIRCLED.
THE FOLLOWING IS SEEN THROUGH THE CAMERA LENS.
ED TRUCK
Everyone. This SKYMALL communication through email is massive. I cannot stress this enough how big this is. For most of us in this room, this may be your first email. From some, this may be the biggest email of your life. So let's not –
ED TRUCK looks to the camera and then back to the room and then to MICHAEL who doesn't notice ED TRUCK talking directly at him.
ED TRUCK
MESS. This up. So. TOBY, please read back what we have so far.
(PAN TO TOBY)
TOBY
Good Afternoon, SKYMALL Associates. How are you? We are doing well, thanks for asking. How's the weather in Phoenix? It's Spring here. Do you get Spring in Phoenix. I hope we can sell paper with you and make money for us. We look forward to emailing back from you and working –
TOBY squints at the screen.
TOBY
Oops. Got to be a mistake there. I typed "qwithj". I meant "with". Just need to do a quick check. The Spellcheck feature is pretty neat! It even squiggles the word if it's wrong. AUSTIN was right. This is truly an amazing tool. You should all come check this out. So fascinating…
DWIGHT gets up and makes his way around to the computer and looks at the screen.
DWIGHT
But how does the computer know you didn't mean "qwithj". It's assuming. Maybe you wanted to type that. The machine is a silly machine. The machine shouldn't assume. It is being told what to do. It should obey.
DWIGHT leans towards the monitor and speaks.
DWIGHT
Hear that, computer? You are to listen to us. Obey us.
TOBY
This computer isn't advance enough to have a voice command function, DWIGHT. This isn't Star Trek. That's science fiction. That's like 30 years from now likely.
DWIGHT pulls back from the monitor.
DWIGHT
Hey, computer! Roast TOBY with your gamma rays!
TOBY looks at DWIGHT without expression. He then looks back to the screen. TOBY begins to read.
TOBY
We look forward to emailing back from you and working WITH you, Good Night. Talk to you soon. DUNDER MIFFLIN PAPER CO.
The room falls silent.
PHYLLIS
I for one like it. It's personable, it shows our intention to work with them and it sets up a follow up email.
ED TRUCK shakes his head. He turns to JIM.
ED TRUCK
No. No. No. It's missing the IT FACTOR. Right, JIM? Why don't we pep it up with some of your fancy sales words. What do you got. Let's hear them.
JIM stops pacing and looks at ED TRUCK. He looks down to his notepad and rhymes off the words his has written down.
JIM
Statistically. Groundbreaking. Unified. Economic security. Wherewithal. Hoodwinked. Flim-flam. Scheme. Team. Collaborate.
ED TRUCK turns to the chalk board and scribbles the words down as JIM recites them.
ED TRUCK
Fantastic work, new guy. OK. PHYLLIS. You are the most motherly. How should we open up the email salutation. It needs more . . . motherly.
PHYLLIS looks at ED TRUCK unimpressed. She then turns to TOBY.
PHYLLIS
I'd start with a warm greeting. Perhaps . . "Warmest Greetings".
ED TRUCK
We are trying to get their business not plan a funeral for them. Try harder PHYLLIS!
PHYLLIS seems hurt by ED TRUCK's comment. STANLEY jumps in.
STANLEY
Anytime I'm introduced to anyone with say, a British accent, I feel welcomed. So perhaps we lean on a regional dialect? What do Brits usually say? Can we put that in?
ED TRUCK raises his finger to his mouth as he begins to think.
ED TRUCK
They do have funny accents. They do have funny sayings. I like the idea of borrowing something from them – but making it more American and making it more better. I think we can roll with this. Great idea, STANLEY. Let's lead with –
MICHAEL chimes in.
MICHAEL
Good 'Morrow.
ED TRUCK looks sideways at TOBY and nods. TOBY types away.
ED TRUCK
Ok. MICHAEL. You know the gang at SKYMALL the best. Where should we go next with adding more pep to what we have.
MICHAEL *CLEARS THROAT*
Paging Dr. Pep. Calling in the Doctor. Ringing up the big gun. Yelling for the S.O.T.Y .
JIM looks to MICHAEL. MICHAEL is rolling up his sleeves and unbuttoning his dress shirt. He reaches into his shirt and produces a piece of paper.
JIM
S.O.T.Y?
MICHAEL walks to the chalkboard and begins to write out "Salesman Of The Year".
JIM laughs and responds – clearly in a mocking manner.
JIM
OH! S.O.T.Y ! I thought you meant S.O.T.I. With an I. Honest mistake. Please. S.O.T.Y. Continue.
JIM looks to BOBBY and smirks. MICHAEL walks over to the computer, passing ED TRUCK and strutting with his chest pushed out. He stops and looks at TOBY with the piece of paper in his hands. He hands it to TOBY.
MICHAEL
I'm passing the duchie on the left side mon.
TOBY looks at MICHAEL confused and clearly did not understand the reference with MICHAEL's horrible Jamaican accent.
MICHAEL
There you go, mon. Hang loose brudda.
MICHAEL looks over to STANLEY who isn't impressed either. MICHAEL laughs and waves him off awkwardly.
BOBBY (OFF CAMERA)
Oh boy this atta be good.
CHRIS and REX snicker. TOBY begins to read the paper MICHAEL gave him. A look of growing astonishment comes across his face. TOBY looks to ED TRUCK who has been watching this all transpire. ED TRUCK has his foot up on a chair, his elbow on his knee and he's resting his head on clinched fist.
ED TRUCK
Well?
STANLEY
Well, TOBY?
TOBY lays the sheet of paper down on the desk. He begrudgingly looks to the camera and then to JIM and then to MICHAEL. MICHAEL is eagerly awaiting TOBY's response.
TOBY
It's great, actually.
The conference room erupts with cheer and everyone begins celebrating. MICHAEL is dancing erratically; ED TRUCK and STANLEY share a high-five. PHYLLIS is clapping. JIM is slow clapping. While everyone is cheering, TOBY picks up the paper and begins typing.
ED TRUCK (TO CAMERA)
That's how we do it in SCRANTON! TEAM!
As the celebration comes to a slow end, TOBY pushes his chair back from the computer and gets up.
TOBY
Sent. Can I take the computer back to my office now?
MICHAEL and ED TRUCK run to the computer screen. ED TRUCK stands back and points at the monitor in disbelief.
ED TRUCK
They've already replied! We got em! MICHAEL! We got ' em!
There is another eruption of celebrations. TOBY is standing behind MICHAEL and ED TRUCK. They aren't paying attention to him. Quietly, he's trying to explain the situation, but he can't be heard nor is anyone paying attention.
TOBY
It's the email receipt. It's an automatic reply. Big corporations have set it up to automatically reply to anything that is emailed to them …
The celebration drowns out TOBY's plea. TOBY looks at the camera defeated.
JIM
Guys. We need a party. We got to celebrate this win. I know I'm new here but I think we need to share this win with the office.
ED TRUCK looks at JIM. MICHAEL's eyes go wide with excitement.
ED TRUCK
Yes. Excellent idea, JIM. We need a -
PHYLLIS interjects excitedly.
PHYLLIS
A committee!
MICHAEL walks calmly over to PHYLLIS. He looks deep into her eyes and then kneels down and hugs her.
MICHAEL
On this day, The Party Committee shall be born.
CHRIS looks to REX. REX turns the camera to the computer screen and zooms in on the Auto-Reply email from SKYMALL: "AUTO REPLY : THANK-YOU FOR YOUR EMAIL! WE LOOK FORWARD TO CONNECTING WITH YOU SOON!" is in the Subject line. REX then pans the camera to TOBY who is staring directly at them without expression.
END SCENE
OUTRO
MAIN OFFICE. LATE AFTERNOON.
THE OFFICE HAS GOT BACK TO IT'S WORKING DAY BUT THERE IS A CERTAIN BUZZ IN THE AIR SURROUNDING THE SKYMALL SITUATION. THE PARTY COMMITTEE IS HARD AT WORK BRAINSTORMING IDEAS. MICHAEL IS AT RECEPTION ON THE PHONE WITH TODD PACKER EXPLAINING THE WIN. BOBBY, CHRIS AND REX HAVE PACKED UP THEIR EQUIPMENT AND ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE. DWIGHT NOTICES THIS FROM HIS DESK ACROSS THE OFFICE. HE GETS UP AND MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE THREE MEN.
DWIGHT
Well. Has it come time for you to depart?
CHRIS
Yes, DWIGHT. We have gotten all the footage we need and we will be on our way.
DWIGHT takes a moment. He then extends out his hand.
DWIGHT
Ok. Turn in your badges.
CHRIS looks to BOBBY. REX reaches into his pocket and hands back his badge. DWIGHT nods in approval.
CHRIS
Uh. We have misplaced the badges. Sorry.
DWIGHT
I will require collateral until they are returned. In the wrong hands, those badges could result in catastrophe.
CHRIS pulls out his wallet and begins sifting through it. He pulls out a 5$ bill. He puts it in DWIGHT's hand. DWIGHT nods. He then looks to BOBBY. Flustered, BOBBY grabs a piece of paper off STANLEY's desk. He scribbles on it quickly and hands it to DWIGHT.
BOBBY
That is and IOU. How's that.
DWIGHT smiles.
DWIGHT
That will do.
DWIGHT bows and heads back to his desk. Once he sits down, he picks up his phone.
DWIGHT
Yes. Hank. The 3 men need to be escorted off the premises. . .
DWIGHT covers the receiver with his hand and leans away from the group and talks low into the phone.
DWIGHT
Inflict force if needed. The tall gangly one especially. He cannot be trusted. Consider him an enemy of the state. Schedule a lock change for Monday. Hello? Hello? Hank. Hank are you there?
BOBBY, CHRIS and REX begin making their way to the door. They arrive at reception. MICHAEL is on the phone.
MICHAEL
And then guess what Packman? No. Guess again. No. We sent an email and they responded! What a day! Want to go to the pool later?
MICHAEL is mid-conversation with TODD PACKER on the phone and it surprised by the camera crew.
MICHAEL
Ok. Bye buddy.
MICHAEL hangs up the phone and stands up.
CHRIS
Well. MICHAEL. It's been a slice. It was a pleasure working with you. Bye for now.
BOBBY
Yeah. I do wish you the best and we all look forward to sharing our finished product with you all soon!
ED TRUCK exits his office. He smiles.
ED TRUCK
Well. We look forward to hearing from you guys. We look forward to seeing the final product. Exciting times. Onward.
The men all shake hands. BOBBY, CHRIS and REX all wave to the office workers. Everyone waves back. CREED stands up and yells.
CREED
Let's be pen pals!
CREED tosses at pen from across the office. The three men pretend they don't hear him or notice what he did and leave the office. As the door closes behind them, ED TRUCK sighs.
ED TRUCK
Finally. I thought they'd never leave. I'm glad we put that to bed.
TED, who again is standing at the copier looks to ED TRUCK.
TED
What.
ED TRUCK slowly turns to face TED. He is about to respond but instead draws a deep breath and turns back to MICHAEL. He pulls an envelope out of his coat pocket.
ED TRUCK
MICHAEL. Please place this in the outbox.
MICHAEL grabs the bin labelled "OUTBOX" from under the reception desk and presents it to ED TRUCK. ED TRUCK places the envelope in it. MICHAEL glances at it. It's addressed to "SKYMALL". He looks to ED TRUCK confused. ED TRUCK motions MICHAEL to come closer. MICHAEL leans over the desk.
ED TRUCK
Never. Ever. Trust. What. You. Don't. Know. We are a paper company. We aren't an email company. Remember that.
ED TRUCK winks at MICHAEL. MICHAEL winks back. ED TRUCK turns to the office and addresses them.
ED TRUCK
Excellent work people. Keep it up! TGIF. Let's finish today strong and then the weekend is ours. STANLEY! I think this calls for a shake! ASAP!
ED TRUCK enters his office and shuts the door behind him. STANLEY runs to the kitchen.
TED
Does anyone even listen to me.
TOBY, who is waiting behind TED laughs and leans in to TED. He lightly punches his upper arm out – a friendly playful gesture.
TOBY
I know the feeling.
TED looks directly at TOBY.
TED
I said listen. Not touch. Don't touch me.
END OF EPISODE
This content is non-commercial fan fiction. It was written out of admiration of the original writings. I only intended to present MY OWN view of what COULD have taken place before the original works. Any characters, settings or other details from the original works that have made their way into my stories are owned and belong to NBC Universal and any other relevant copyright holders. I do not own any other Trademarked Materials which includes any mentioned items/people/places/things/etc held in Copyright. This work is available for enjoyment of fellow enthusiast that wish to be taken into a fictitious prologue of the beloved storyline. It is not to be distributed in any manner for the purpose of monetary gain.
