The Vengeful (Passive-Aggressive) Stork

Synopsis: Instead of his entirely complicated plan for revenge, Jason decidedly took on a vastly different approach…via delivering every single black haired blue eyed orphan he could find into Bruce's doorstep knowing the man wouldn't be able to resist taking in a poor parentless child.

Fandom: Batman

Rating: T

Genre: Humor, Parody, Family

Language: English

Crossover: no

Category: All Batman media types

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Instead of his entirely complicated plan for revenge against Bruce and Timothy Drake for replacing him, Jason decidedly took on a vastly different approach. One that he thinks would be most fitting and make both Bruce and the Replacement suffer for the rest of their lives.

He would deliver every single orphans and pseudo-orphans he could find into Bruce's doorstep knowing the man wouldn't be able to resist taking in a poor parentless child (plus points if they just happen to be black haired and blue eyed, and coincidently eerily looks like their soon-to-be rapidly growing family).

It was perfect. Bruce would hate himself for ever even thinking of adopting a child ("Bruce likes adopting children a lot, huh? Well let's see whether he would still like to do so after this." reasoned Jason). And the Replacement would always lay awake at night fearing for the time that Batman would replace him ("Let's see how Replacement feels after I line up an entire army of possible replacements for him." said Jason cackling, incredibly pleased with his villainous plan).

Yes, it was perfect.

Plus he always wanted to be a big brother with many many cute baby siblings (Replacement doesn't count. Occasionally, neither does the demon spawn. He deserves some normal baby siblings especially after dying, not just incredibly stabby ones). So this was just hitting three birds with one stone.

It was simple but impactful. Rewarding without huge drawbacks. He was a genius.

And it may or may not also be a cover up and denial over the fact that he may or may not have taken up Bruce's habit of swiping kids off the streets or whichever other random places he gets kids (honestly, out of all things he could've gotten from Bruce).

Talia's just sitting on the corner humoring her eldest's planning (yes, because Jason is HERS now) an incredibly passive-aggressive scheme of laying out his grievances (she doesn't see this as a revenge plan, no matter how Jason claims otherwise. This was just her eldest son's roundabout way of delivering babies to himself, airing grievances was just an excuse and an afterthought). Besides, Damian could use more interaction with children closer to his age and younger.

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Jason's simple plan was this:

Step 1: Take up the mantle of Red Hood.

Step 2: Make a big show out of it.

Step 3: Destroy his enemies.

Step 4: Take over Crime Alley.

Step 5: Patrol and protect his territory.

Step 5.5: If he just happened to come across a lonely seemingly abandoned child, well it's free game, they were HIS now.

Step 6: Make the kids his baby siblings.

Step 7: Celebrate :D

Revenge Plan Success.

Maybe the crowbar-to-head brain damage was worse than they thought and the Lazarus pit wasn't able to heal it all… 'Oh well,' Talia shrugged, not her problem.

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Bruce was confused.

This was rare.

His world stopped making sense when babies started showing up randomly on his doorstep, seemingly without any traces as to where they kept coming from.

DNA results also show that each of them were completely unrelated to each other, and there were no connections on the backgrounds of each baby, toddler, or child that kept on showing up. DNA results also prove that they weren't his. So, why and how were they showing up? And where do they keep coming from?

At least Dick was happy with the increasing amounts of children that keep turning up in the manor.

Bruce was also happy that his eldest son's octopus hugs were now directed not at him, and was considering keeping the children just for that (Righttt, as if he didn't immediately get attached from the first time he saw them). Besides, these children were either orphans, abandoned, from abusive households, or taken from the streets with nowhere else to go.

And it's not like he didn't have the space or the funds for taking them in.

If only Alfred would stop giving him that pointed look.

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Tim was the first person to put together that the odd baby appearing mystery coincidentally first transpired just after a new crime lord called the "Red Hood '' first appeared.

But the thought of there being a connection was so ridiculous that he decided to call Dick to see if he was just going mad, or if the sleep deprivation was finally catching up with him and he was just hallucinating the entire scenario and seeing connections that weren't there.

Because why the hell would the Red Hood be swiping children seemingly off the streets and dropping them off on Bruce Wayne's doorstep. And how does he keep sneaking through without tripping on any of the incredibly complicated, paranoia induced, state of the art high-tech booby traps and surveillance cameras all over Batman's lawn?

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After shooing Tim off to bed. Dick began thinking through the new implications himself.

But unlike Tim, Dick went with the question, 'Who in the world, that is currently not here, is capable of slipping through Batman's incredibly complicated, paranoia induced, state of the art high-tech booby traps and surveillance cameras?'

The answer was easy: Cassandra Cain Wayne.

But the problem was, she was clearly still in Hong Kong.

So who else was capable of doing so?

Another answer immediately came to mind: a incredibly determined fourteen year old Jason Todd-Wayne sneaking out because he was craving some chili dogs at 4 a.m. in the morning.

But it was impossible, Jason was dead...right?

Then again, a lot of the things that went on in the superhero-vigilante community sounded pretty impossible to a normal civilian, but happened to them anyway. So what was possible, really?

How impossible would it really be for his supposedly dead baby brother to rise up from the dead? How impossible would it be for his little wing to be the Red Hood?

With budding hope, Nightwing began searching for the Red Hood with a new sense of determination.

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Nightwing quickly chased after the Red Hood, expertly climbing, jumping, and flipping off roofs. But he wouldn't have been able to corner him had the Red Hood — who he was about 90% sure was Jason by then — wasn't carefully carrying a bundle.

"Jaybird?" he asked tentatively.

"What do you want, Dickwing?" Jason snarled, exhausted after a long night and not even bothering to muster enough effort to conceal his identity from his idiot big brother who he was pretty sure already knew it was him anyway. "Stop following me!"

"Little Wing!" Nightwing launched at him with his famous octopus hug which Jason tried to dodge, but failed.

"Let go of me, dick. And watch it, you'll wake them up." he hissed, adjusting his hold on the now partially visible toddler he had carefully bundled up with a large soft cloth.

"Ohmygosh, I knew it was you!" Dick said letting go a bit so he could see the baby better. "Is the baby a he or a she, Little Wing? Do we have a new baby sister or a baby brother?"

Jason rolled his eyes, not that Nightwing could see it, seeing as Jason was still wearing his helmet, but he could definitely feel his little brother rolling his eyes at him. "You need glasses, Dick." Then he dramatically unveiled the bundle in his grasp, "It's babies. Congrats, we're having twin baby sisters."

"!"

And just like that, Dick was suckered into helping Jason's slightly illegal baby snatching activity.

Operation: Getting More Baby Siblings was a huge success, and Jason now has a very enthusiastic partner in crime.

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Alfred caught them both while they were dropping off another baby on the doorstep.

And after a tearful emotional reunion (or rather, as tearful and emotional as Alfred would allow himself to be), Alfred leveled them with the most unimpressed deadpanned stare he had, making the two boys wince. But ultimately pretended he saw nothing when Bruce came to ask.

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The next person to catch on who exactly was dropping kids off on Batman was Barbara Gordon.

It was completely unintentional.

Nightwing just happened to be speaking with her while on stakeout and forgot to turn off his coms after getting distracted by the sight of Red Hood and the ensuing chase right after.

In short she heard everything.

Since then, Oracle had become a silent accomplice in their operation.

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Tim found out when Dick decided to sneak Jason into the Batcave while Batman was off-world on League business.

He took one look at a miraculously alive Jason and went straight into #1 fanboy mode.

Although he still did make sure to inconspicuously collect a hair sample for testing later just to be extra extra sure that it was really him (Bruce's bat paranoia was clearly catching). But for now, Tim was busy with his hero worship because his favorite Robin was alive!

Jason, on the other hand, took one look at Tim's sleep deprived overly small thin state and went straight to adoption mode.

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Bruce was the last to know.

He came back from his mission incredibly tired and ready to crash for the next few hours when he was confronted by the sight of his entire family, including a very much alive Jason.

"Jaylad?" he choked out, and pulled him in for a hug.

"Let go of me you old-" the rest of what Jason was saying was muffled as he was pressed into Bruce's chest, but eventually, Jason sunk into the hug.

Dick took this as his cue to expose who perpetrated the baby delivering activity, grinning all the while. Jason accused him back for being an active accomplice.

Bruce didn't care, his dead son was alive, that's all what matters.

Well…that and the pointed look Alfred was currently giving him.

Bruce cleared his throat. "Alright chum, all the children that you have brought are welcome to stay but you aren't allowed to add any more, at least not in the near future. I think you have enough baby siblings."

Dick aww-ed but agreed.

Tim nodded.

Jason snorted, "That's what you think," he grinned.

"Jaylad," Bruce warned.

"Fine," Jason acquiesced with an eye-roll and a slight glint in his eye, "I promise that I wouldn't bring in any more new baby siblings."

Bruce looked at Jason, suspicious.

Jason looked back with a perfectly angelic smile but didn't explain his odd emphasis on the word 'I'.

Two days later, Alfred opened the front door of the manor to a young boy that looked suspiciously very much like a young Bruce Wayne only with bright green eyes and a tan complexion, carrying a katana, and claiming to be the blood son and the true heir.

He was followed by no less than three cats, two dogs, a turkey, a raccoon, and good heavens, was that a cow?

Alfred sighed. "Oh dear-".

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