Chapter 2
The following morning, Kaeya woke up wanting to curse the too bright sunlight spilling through the window and onto his face. He felt sticky and hot in his yesterday's clothes.
That he desperately needed a shower was Kaeya's first thought.
The kiss wasn't a dream, was Kaeya's second thought. He could still clearly remember the way Diluc's lips felt on his own.
Kaeya's palms were instantly clammy and his stomach churned with dread. He had basically confessed to Diluc that he had been hanging around Angel's Share like a besotted fool.
Did Diluc feel the same as him?
…was a question he would never ask Diluc, his ex-lover. Ex-best friend. Ex everything.
Diluc had been incredibly sweet to him last night but Kaeya wasn't fool enough to hope for anything more.
Yes, he wanted Diluc. More than ever. But Kaeya was afraid his capacity to feel love had been twisted and poisoned by grief and guilt. And Diluc? Whatever he had felt for Kaeya, be it romantic or otherwise, was destroyed that night his father died and Kaeya confessed his greatest sins.
Kaeya sat up from the bed and massaged the bridge of his nose. He closed his eyes but was unable to avoid the images from that long ago nightseared into his mind.
Master Crepus had been more of a father figure to Kaeya than his own father had been. Tragedy had struck one night when the older man laid on the ground, his life fading as his son cried by his side. The rain washing away the pool of blood from under them.
Kaeya felt a traitorous rush of relief. The question plaguing him for years about when and how to tell Master Crepus the truth was answered. It was never. Kaeya would never have to face Master Crepus' horrified expression upon learning his origins. His heart spasmed so violently, he felt dizzy. The unconscious smile tugging on his lips was unnerving and full of teeth.
His hysterical eyes met Diluc's which were staring at him in shock and disbelief.
Kaeya's tattered link to sanity momentarily snapped back into place and he felt horrified by his selfish thoughts. I don't deserve to grieve with Diluc, Kaeya thought. He then buried his pain until numbness settled heavily on his chest.
Diluc was outside the mansion standing out in the rain when Kaeya approached him. Kaeya felt disconnected as he watched himself unburden all his secrets on Diluc. All the sins he had harboured for a lifetime.
He was a traitor and he needed to be judged.
Diluc's eyes flared with volcanic rage. "Did you— Kaeya, did you know what was going to happen today?"
Kaeya was nonplussed at the implication.
"Answer me! Did you have anything to do with my father's death?" Diluc's anguish and confusion tore into Kaeya.
Kaeya realized he had pushed Diluc too far by dumping all his burdens on the grieving boy. "No! Luc I—"
"Then why now?! Why would you say all of these now?!" Diluc bellowed. Wildly, he unsheathed his sword and pointed the blade towards Kaeya. "How can I ever trust your words again?! Tell me! How can I trust anything, anyone anymore!"
A swift movement of feet and a thrust and Diluc's blade almost caught Kaeya's cheek if Kaeya hadn't immediately dodged.
"Luc! Please listen!" There was no more time for words. Diluc was too overcome by grief and betrayal to listen. The sound of pouring rain and metal blades clashing reverberated throughout the night.
Kaeya parried his attacks in a desperate act of self defense. Diluc's movements were equally desperate, like a wounded animal that was blind to anything else but its pain.
Kaeya made a wrong step on a slippery slope and Diluc's swing caught on his shoulder. He roared in pain.
Neither of them noticed the winery's staff watching them with panicked faces. But Adelinde's horrified scream rang clear in the night as Diluc's burning phoenix appeared and flew straight towards Kaeya.
Kaeya stared at his approaching death with a sense of exhaustion and resignation. This was what Kaeya wanted. To be judged by Diluc's sword. Yet, another selfish thought came to him;
I don't want to die.
Master Crepus was dead. He hurt his beloved Diluc. He had betrayed his nation. But despite all that, Kaeya still selfishly wanted to live.
A blinding light and a rush of cold air enveloped Kaeya. At the last second, a shield of ice manifested around him, dispersing Diluc's phoenix in a cloud of mist. In Kaeya's hand was a cryo vision.
Breathing ragged, Diluc's stunned expression morphed into contempt. Without another word to Kaeya, he turned away and walked back into the mansion.
The pouring rain extinguished the flames from Diluc's abandoned sword half-buried in the ground.
Kaeya didn't come home that night. He spent the hours aimlessly roaming around the city. He heard the next morning that Diluc was gone.
For several years, Kaeya looked for ways to justify his choice to live on. He sought affection and validation from wherever he could get. He drowned himself in alcohol and sought sexual partners to occupy his nights, and by dawn, he committed to his knightly duties. He felt like he was in constant stupor.
It was after four years that Diluc came back and the fog in Kaeya's heart lifted. The numbness was replaced with emotions that rubbed his insides raw. Seeing Diluc's tall form in the distance made his heart kick in an agonizing manner.
Kaeya mentally shook his head, as if to free himself from the memories. He looked up at the clock by the bedside table. He had half an hour before his meeting at headquarters. He got up from the bed and after redoing his hair, left the room. He padded downstairs and heard clinking glasses and light footfalls from the first floor.
Kaeya's heart dropped anxiously for a moment until he saw it was just Charles setting up the bar. Charles seemed surprised to see him but politely greeted him nonetheless.
"Don't mind me Charles. And if you see Master Diluc…" Kaeya wore his pleasant façade. "Tell him sorry for the trouble I caused." He waved a hand behind him then exited the bar.
He had a dreadful feeling he had said other damning things to Diluc before he blacked out. He had to brace himself for when he faced Diluc again. But not yet.
He and Diluc had been slowly learning how to talk again. They may argue a lot of the times, but Kaeya was still grateful that they could start over. He was willing to sever his ties from the past, forget their past romance, store away his pain deep down where no one could see if it meant he could remain by Diluc's side.
He had made his decision. He hoped someday he would feel less broken by it.
