It was around the fifth immolated ice cream stand that Firedrinker started to 'come down' from his high. "Oh good Jesus, I just realized that I have toes," he muttered as the parlor collapsed. Titfondler approached him, panting, "Firedrinker, some cats ran off north." Firedrinker looked around, desperate for something to drink. He meowed dryly, "More WarriorClan posers?" Titfonder jostled his head, waving his tail, "No. DeathMetalClan. Two apprentices and two warriors. Apparently they're going after Midnight."
Firedrinker slammed his paw in frustration. He didn't really care if any cats wanted to do their own thing, he was just annoyed about not having some damn refreshments on this beach, a problem he hadn't considered himself responsible. He meowed, "Go find Ringotingo. Tell him to clean things up here. I'm going to do some more cocaine and join them." Titfondler meowed, visibly confused, "More?" Firedrinker hadn't been more than two fox-lengths away when he called back, "Uh... yeah. 'More.' Dumbass."
The slimy probing of the badger's tongue tried to find someplace to comfortably rest along Dreadnaught's face, the cat screaming in agony as the badger's teeth drew blood. Unfortunately for him, this only invited the beast to start lapping the inside of his own lips. Gross. This was gross. Nothing about this was okay. Dreadnaught's legs buckled. This was disgusting. He was going to have his head bitten off and vored by a badger giving him a french kiss, and there was not a damn thing he could do about it other than flail and spaz. Dreadnaught relaxed, wishing for the beast to get it over with.
Dreadnaught prepared to return to the infernos of StarClan when a mechanical growling filled the cavern. From within the badger's mouth, Dreadnaught could see a chainsaw slice through the badger's uvula. With blood rushing to his skull, Dreadnaught scrambled out, the badger frantically pawing at the bloody gash where its own face used to be before collapsing on the ground and dying. Dreadnaught needed a moment to catch his breath and take in the scene. Firedrinker's eyes were practically glowing red. In his paws, a chainsaw was making short work of another badger, its intestines caught in the chain and ripping out of its gut. His mother was hurt; her back had a nasty gash in it, and her shoulder looked like it was chewed on. Nightpaw's face and torso were marred with grizzly clawmarks. Warpaw was... completely unharmed, because of course that little shit was. Midnight sat watching, taking a visible few paces backwards.
And their savior to thank, Firedrinker, seemed to be speaking entirely in tongues, chasing after the spectral mystic while meowing, "Ugadasigadagagagagagashtilee-e-e-e-e-e-e-eawouwauauauauaaugidagidagidaknee-he-he-he-he!" Between ragged breaths, Dreadnaught managed a quiet "What the fuck," before snapping-to and running over to Nightpaw. "Are you okay," he meowed. Nightpaw nodded, "You-Arch- yeah... of- uhm..." Dreadnaught said nothing as she straightened up, trying to hide how shaken she was left. "Yeah," she meowed after collecting herself, "You mom needs help." No quip. Yeah, this was bad.
Dreadnaught and Warpaw crouched besides Archenemy. She was wheezing, and her back was bleeding out, but she was still conscious. Dreadnaught meowed to his brother, "We need to get her back to the tour bus." Warpaw nodded, scooping their mother up by her legs, trying their best to keep her comfortable while dragging her. Archenemy meowed nothing as her sons carried her away. Warpaw broke the silence as they emerged from the den, putting on his usual cocky tone as he forced a meow to Dreadnaught, "Wow... did you see mom take out that badger all by herself? Of course they needed to gang up on her. She could have killed them all one-by-one." Dreadnaught purred. Of course he saw it. He was there. Warpaw's comment wasn't for either brother.
And it certainly wasn't for the badger that followed them outside.
Warpaw gently set their mother down on the shore. Dreadnaught shuffled himself deeper under their mother, trying to carry her entire weight. He gave his brother a cautious glance. "Don't worry," Warpaw meowed, "While you were getting chewed, I danced around this fat fuck like it was nothing!" Dreadnaught meowed, "I'm not worried about you dodging it." Just as Warpaw realized what Dreadnaught meant, the badger leapt. Without thinking, Warpaw threw himself onto the beast's face, slashing at its side to try to divert it. The charging stinking wad of angry fur crashed into the three cats, but couldn't see Archenemy nor Dreadnaught well enough to drag them down as it and Warpaw tumbled into the water. Nightpaw came running out, snarling.
Dreadnaught called her over, "Nightpaw, help me get mother someplace safe!" Nightpaw glanced between him and the badger. "Aren't you going to help your brother? He could die!" Dreadnaught meowed, "That's not what I need right now." Nightpaw's concern flared into anger, "Can you seriously just quell your thirst for FIVE MIN-"
"NIGHTPAW," Dreadnaught barked, "This isn't about me-and-you, this is about my mom. I need to make sure she's alright." He needed a moment to choke back the words. Dreadnaught heaved, his eyes pleading desperately, "Warpaw can handle his part. I can't handle mine. I need help." Nightpaw's jaw closed. She nodded her head, and shuffled her muzzle underneath Archenemy's leg.
Warpaw could only manage a few side-glances at the three cats, as the badger's heavy paws kept slamming into the water like a silly kit splashing about, trying to pin his skull in one of the strikes and drown the cat. Warpaw retaliated weakly. His fur was heavy. And the tide was coming in. If he wasn't careful, the water would make him...
The faintest radience of an idea sparked. A risky and stupid one. But an idea nonetheless. Warpaw felt the waves lap his paws.
Risk it for Limp Bizkit.
Snagging the badger's pelt, Warpaw hauled himself onto the beast's back. The creature thrashed and rolled about, trying to get the cat off. The salt water burned his own skin, and the waves pelting begged Warpaw to let go. In time, he knew, as when the flailing beast tried to roll on its side in waves deep enough to waterboard the cat, Warpaw jumped off, towards the drumming rocks and into the water. Before the badger realized what happened, Warpaw was a few tail-lengths away from the outcroppings. Warpaw felt the water turbinate from the springing beast, the water at its own shoulders. He took one mighty gulp of air before the wind was knocked out of him from the beast slamming its paws onto his chest.
With what little air remained in his lungs, Warpaw laughed.
The water receded, and Warpaw felt it drag along his fur. He tensed his muscles, then released, giving just enough lax for him to roll out of the badger's weight, dealing only with its claws scratching his stomach. Nasty, but not fatal. Warpaw paddled to the surface, tossed about by the badger taking another swipe at him. He managed to breach for air once before being smacked in the face once more. To an outsider, Warpaw was getting his ass kicked. Thankfully Warpaw was something a little more than that - a suicidal idiot with basic knowledge of buoyancy.
When he noticed the badger paddling in place, Warpaw knew he won.
The beast's frantic swimming could only afford more than a few casual swipes at the cat, now routing towards its flank. Now, with the both of them treading water, Warpaw dug his claws into the badger's flank, and started to scramble on top of it. The badger made its way towards rocky short after realizing that it had no leverage to thrash about. Warpaw seized the chance to slashed at it wildly.
Once they reached the shore, Warpar relinquished his assault, letting the badger start to paw at the boulders. Unable to manage a solid grip, the badger slammed its paws down long enough for it to try to scramble with its hind legs.
Warpaw leaned forward, towards the badger's neck. He meowed, knowing the beast couldn't understand him "You know that blue cat your friend tried to maim? She's my mother. And she taught me this trick." Without waiting for an acknowledgment that would never come, Warpaw leaned into the badger's neck, nipping it with a grotesquely simple pop. The badger's scrambling hind legs became dead weight, and the badger slunk back into the water. Warpaw jumped off of it onto the boulder, watching the doomed titan try to scramble to stay afloat. Too far from the surface, the current carried the beast into the horizon. At least Warpaw assumed so. The truth was he only managed to see the panicked beast bop its head above water a few times as it drifted out into the sun-drowned water before submerging, and staying beneath the waves.
Midnight scrambled around as the treads of the chainsaw caught onto the ground, spinning the mechanical monstrosity around like a wingless, drunken bird. Firedrinker's incoherent babbling hadn't ceased since he entered the cave. Not as he sawed the other three badgers. Not as Midnight told him where Firestar was, a pointless endeavor since he was in no state to recall a damn thing from the last five hours. And not when he bit his own tongue trying to pronounce the color between Ultraviolet and Photon. "Gabidasawakalookikifoundoovixalotlemitylemitylemitycharleston..." the cat babbled.
Warpaw staggered into the cave, taking a moment to admire all the newfound carvings. Midnight called out to him, "Take deal! Take deal!" Warpaw panted, and nodded. "Where's Firestar?" Midnight dove under another chainsaw swing, this one actually managing to cleave her shoulder. "Clan cats go lake territories. Mountains over. Now please, him no here!" Warpaw took a moment and meowed, "Okay, Firedrinker... come on." He didn't hear him. Well, whatever, technically Dreadnaught made the deal, and even if he didn't the badger told them 'no' before. Besides, this could be a load of shit. No skin off Warpaw's back when Firedrinker managed to slice a clean chunk of Midnight's back off of her.
He only realized that he made a pun of the situation when stopping to examine the piece of badger pelt that was not fading out of existence. Midnight fell onto her side. Firedrinker raised his chainsaw into the air, lowering it down onto Midnight's neck. As it passed, Midnight's visage faded, replaced by solemn words, "Evil OutClan monsters..."
Even with the rumbling of Firedrinker's chainsaw and the gentle waves outside, Warpaw thought the room felt eerily quiet.
Firedrinker looked at him, and Warpaw gave a nudge of his head towards the exit. Firedrinker followed behind, slashing at the walls as they passed. Dust started to sprinkle form the ceiling. When they emerged, Firedrinker hacked at the walls of the entrance, until small rocks started to roll down from the den's foyer. Firedrinker tossed the chainsaw within, letting it thrash about as the cavern collapsed, entombing the corpses of the badgers.
Titfondler greeted them outside. "We need to leave. Now."
