Annual Agony


Alex sat down in the office with a sense of apprehension. While he had completed his paperwork, he was unsure if half of it was written in the correct places on the forms. They were very confusing. He promised. MI6 was a bureaucratic nightmare. Plus, nobody had bothered with on-the-job training.

"Please come in, Mr. Rider. We had a few questions about your, ah, report."

Alex sat down with a sigh. He could tell from the way it was said that "a few" meant "a ton" and that the report would probably need to be rewritten. He plastered a half-hearted smile on his face. "Right. What can I help you with?"

The man turned to the first page of his report. Damn it. This was going to suck.

"It says here under accomplishments that you fed a supervillain to an alligator."

Alex grinned at that. It was technically true. The alligators had been hungry after his unexpected escape. "I did. And?"

The man looked at Alex. Alex looked straight back at him. There was an awkward silence.

"Feeding people to alligators does not count as an accomplishment."

Alex folded his arms and arched an eyebrow. That didn't sound right. "Excuse me? Why not?"

The man let out a sigh and let the page fall. Alex kept staring at him.

"MI6 values agents who demonstrate skills in de-escalation."

What the hell?! No, they did not. Then again, he hadn't exactly been through the MI6 training modules. "What's de-escalation? I'm dead serious, by the way."

The man stared at him. He seemed to be trying to decide whether or not Alex was joking. Alex figured it was probably something he had missed in school.

"You should have received lessons on this in school and the MI6 application process."

Alex folded his arms. That was unfair. "You mean the school I missed and the employee modules nobody ever gave me?"

The man cleared his throat loudly. Alex kept glaring at him.

"Moving along. Are we allowed to strike through that portion?"

Alex pondered whether it was worth fighting. Probably not. "Fine."

The man crossed it off and moved down a few items. At least it wasn't every line this time. The first annual review had gone horribly wrong. Alex was fairly certain that the department was still holding a grudge. Fuckers. All of them. He did a great job.

"This says you blew up an entire street."

Alex felt the beginning of an eye twitch forming. Picky, picky, picky. There had been reasons for that explosion. "Yes, but I stopped several hundred kilos of cocaine from being sold to children."

The man gave him a look. Alex wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with that.

"Exploding a block is not an accomplishment in any sense of the word. Unless you work for a terrorist organization."

Alex huffed. They were horrible. Then again, everyone complained about the annual reviews. He'd have plenty of sympathetic colleagues to moan to later. "You're forgetting about the cocaine I took off the streets. Besides, nobody is going to miss those houses. They were empty and derelict. I checked."

The man just looked at him. Alex got the impression that he was as done with this meeting as Alex was. They were not going very fast. His meeting with the committee took far longer than the MI6 average.

"Do we have permission to strike it?"

Alex scowled. Then again, arguing would probably land him in more paperwork. He was going to have some sort of revenge for this, though. "Fine!"

The man drew a line through the paragraph. Alex took a sip of his lukewarm tea. It was disappointing. Like this meeting. A few pages were turned.

"Under skills and languages acquired, you mentioned your, ah, extensive knowledge of torture techniques."

Alex glared at him. That was stupid. He even took the training modules Crawley had dug out for him. And did the paperwork and online quizzes. "I did MI6's extended module on it?"

The man let out a sigh. Alex gave him the evil eye and took another sip of lukewarm tea.

"Did you pass the ethics portion?"

Alex scowled at him. Goddamn it. He was just not going to mention the part where the test took him six times to pass. "Yes."

The man let out a long slow sigh and muttered about Alan Blunt's dubious employment practices. Alex could agree with him on that.

"Very well, you can keep it."

The page was turned. Alex felt like cheering. Hah, take that. This was going to take ages.

"Again under skills and knowledge, you mention your experience with poisons?"

Alex folded his arms. This was stupid. He wanted out of these things. Surely Blunt would do it if he agreed to whatever shithole the man was undoubtedly plotting to send him to. "Yes, would you like a live demonstration?"

The man flinched at Alex's angelic expression. Nobody in MI6 seemed to buy it anymore, but the reactions were funny as hell.

"No, thank you. We'll move on."

The page turned again. Alex was almost hopeful that this would wrap up on time. Then again, they still had half of his report left.

"You were certified in eighteen separate kinds of firearms this year?"

Alex knew for a fact that he had followed the procedures for that. He'd even convinced Crawley to check. "Yes?"

The man looked over the paperwork. Alex looked back at him.

"Good job!"

Alex wanted to punch his coworkers in the face sometimes. He probably meant well. These meetings were just aggravating to him on an existential level. There were more pages turned until the end of the packet.

"This says you made zero professional connections, yet you mention several people helping you in your reports. Would you care to elaborate on that?"

Alex wasn't sure how to tell them that most of his connections were not exactly above board. His ex-classmates were still on MI6's shit list for whatever reasons. Alex squinted at the guy. "I'm not the type to stay in touch."

Which was technically true. The man shrugged and wrote something down.

"You don't count your colleagues?"

Alex had a complicated enough relationship with MI6 without getting involved with other people. Plus, anyone close to his age was, typically, an insufferable patriot or had a disastrous personal life. "No."

The man shut his report. Huh, maybe they were finally done-

"I'm going to recommend you for some modules on professional connections."

Oh, fuck him. Alex was completing them while off his ass. "Whatever."

Alex tossed his disposable teacup in the trash. The man shut the report and stamped it. "This concludes your annual-"

Alex darted out of his chair and through the door before he finished the rest of his sentence. Time for an early day.


Fin


Based on a prompt by mediaboy (see story summary). This is the 143rd work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection :) Want to discuss? Leave a comment beneath, or join the discord (Link on AO3 Fics or just PM me, lol). Want to take part in our Alex Rider anniversary celebrations in September? Join the WoC discord to take part in a fanfic event! Want to showcase your work to your fellow fans and authors? The WoC server has a new feature! Any author who joins can ask to join our authors' feed, which shows all the fics from the authors who opt in, including non-AR fics!