RECAP:

Chapter 4: Darcy insulted Lizzy at the Assembly, Mrs Bennet making a scene and Anne scolding her cousin. Mary and Kitty gave Darcy a taste of his own medicine. Lizzy unintentionally cut him. Richard and Darcy had a talk over brandy. And the Lucases punished Mrs Bennet by taking away her additional pin money from Claire.

© 2019 Zest Layne


For the first time in her life, Alexa Digby regretted not being able to attend an Assembly, even to just stand on the sidelines. She was not a person who hated gatherings but going to places where many people, nay families, were involved was just hard for her. She missed her parents dearly and her longing for them only increased when celebrations were involved.

But now, seeing her mistress's quiet demeanour, Alexa was curious. Whatever happened on the ball that made Miss Lizzy so unlike herself? She was fine before she attended. Still not her usual lively and teasing self but she was almost back to normal, especially when Miss Lucas came by to visit and told Miss Lizzy her good news of finally entering a courtship.

Miss Lizzy was even looking forward to the Assembly. Alexa knew this for her mistress was excited when she had helped her dress yesterday. This morning, however, Miss Lizzy was acting like she had been a week ago when they'd arrived from London, only worse.

Even Apollo didn't fail to notice Miss Lizzy's behaviour. The poor horse kept on nuzzling to Miss Lizzy's face, ever since they arrived at the stables near Dower House.

"Miss Lizzy, I have finished the blankets needed for the tenants last night," Alexa informed her mistress quietly, in case Mrs Winters was listening to their conversation. "I think that the supplies we stored the past months and what I made last night have enough excess for Boxing Day. You needn't worry about the tenants for now. You should enjoy the rest of the month."

Alexa's suggestion was received with a sigh. However, before either of them could say more on the matter, Mrs Winters walked up to them with the footmen she was talking to a moment ago. "Shall we visit the tenants Lizzy?"

"Yes, Mrs Winters." Miss Lizzy smiled at her companion. In truth, Mrs Winters could be called the two girls' mother for she was the most constant older woman in their lives. But because of her overprotectiveness that could rival Mrs Gardiner's, the girls find it hard to confide in her. That didn't mean that they loved her any less though, for the girls were very fond of Mrs Winters indeed.

"Girls, these are Andrew and Roger." Mrs Winters gestured to two of the four footmen with her. "They will be accompanying us with Archie and Graham today. As you may know, Graham will soon retire and his position will be passed on to his son." Alexa lowered her head at this so she would not meet Archie's eyes. He would not give him the satisfaction of seeing that she was happy at the possibility of spending more time together.

Miss Lizzy may have influenced Alexa on becoming bolder and more confident as they grew up, but as a young woman, she still had her reservations. As of now, Archie and Alexa were friends, and the latter was content at that. Alexa wasn't ready yet to let new people in her life completely. The grief of losing her parents continued to weigh on her.

She was so lost in her thought that Alexa almost missed Mrs Winters' next words. "If you were wondering, Andrew and Roger were relatives of Mr and Mrs Gardiner's other employees and Mrs Gardiner wished to have them trained under Graham's supervision."

Miss Lizzy greeted the two new young men. Alexa, following her mistress' lead, did the same. After that, Miss Lizzy didn't waste another second before mounting Apollo (though not astride as Miss Lizzy usually preferred). Meanwhile, Mrs Winters and Alexa settled themselves on Miss Lizzy's phaeton, the four footmen trailing behind them as they started their journey.

"How was the Assembly last night, dear?" Mrs Winters asked once they had checked on Mrs Drury, one of Longbourn's tenants.

Alexa straightened in her seat, eager to hear Miss Lizzy's answer. While she and Miss Lizzy didn't always tell Mrs Winters everything, they were never really dishonest to her. The only thing they had lied about – or rather, omitted the truth about – to Mrs Winters was Mr Bennet's neglect on the estate, Lady Amelia (Mrs Winters found out about that, anyway) and Miss Lizzy's encounters with a Marquess last month. Everything else, Mrs Winters knew.

"I would like to say it was fine," Lizzy trailed off before sighing, "but it was not."

"Has Mrs Bennet suffered from her poor nerves again?" Alexa knew that 'Mrs. Bennet suffering from poor nerves' was a nicer term for 'Mrs. Bennet verbally abusing Miss Lizzy'.

Miss Lizzy refused to look at them as she answered, "You know how she is, Mrs Winters. I'm used to it."

Alexa felt Mrs Winters stiffened beside her. She also noticed the elder woman's clenched fist. It was times like this that made Alexa wonder why Mrs. Winters and the Gardiners couldn't do something permanently to remedy Miss Lizzy's situation. Couldn't they just take Lizzy with them to reside in London for good?

Alexa knew that Miss Lizzy would protest, not wanting to leave Miss Kitty and Miss Mary. But if the Gardiners could limit Miss Lizzy's rambles, couldn't they control her living arrangements? Why don't they just take Miss Mary and Miss Kitty with them as well? While the Gardiners' previous house was relatively small, the current Gardiner residence was more than big enough to accommodate Alexa, the three Bennet sisters, Mrs Winters and the four footmen with them. But then again, Mr and Mrs Bennet would not allow anything like that to happen.

And seeing as Miss Lizzy always stayed for almost half the year in London and she resided in the Dower House when in Hertfordshire, Alexa supposed that the Gardiners and Mrs Winters were doing their best to protect Miss Lizzy. Perhaps if Miss Lizzy found herself a worthy husband then she could finally escape Mr and Mrs Bennet. If that was Miss Lizzy's only way to her freedom, then Alexa would help in any way she could.

Sighing, Alexa stepped down from the phaeton to help Miss Lizzy and Mrs Winters see how the Abbotts were faring. Looking up at the cloudy sky, Alexa prayed for two things: for little Michael Abbott to recover from his fever and for Miss Lizzy to escape her life here at Longbourn.

Hopefully, God would grant her wishes, soon.

-p&p-

After doing her usual rounds looking over the tenants of Longbourn, Elizabeth Bennet decided to talk to her sisters. Normally, Mary and Kitty would also accompany her in visiting their tenants. However, seeing as an assembly was held last night and the two had slept in late, Lizzy couldn't find it in her to wake her sisters.

Unfortunately for Lizzy, without anyone else to distract Mrs Winters and Alexa, they had made it their mission to scrutinise her every movement. She did her best to ignore it though. While she informed Mrs Winters of almost all her troubles (save for the part regarding her father basically handing her the responsibilities of being Longbourn's Master, Lady Amelia, and meeting he who shall not be named in London) and she trusted Alexa with the littlest of things like the ones she had kept from Mrs Winters, when it comes to her insecurities, Elizabeth trusted no one.

Of course, Lizzy could easily tell her closest confidants about the things that happened to her. She remembered easily telling Grandma Claire of her mother's indifference towards her.

"But I don't care if Mama loves me less, Grandma. At least she still loved me a little." Lizzy remembered her little self saying. "Besides," she had grinned at her Grandma "I still have you."

She was also comfortable in telling her Aunt Madeline her hopes of only marrying for the truest of love once her Aunt had informed her that she would be inheriting a lot from her grandmother. There was also the time when she had just been acquainted with Lady Amelia (or Tilly) and she instantly confided to her about her doubts concerning Mr Kearsley. She told Lady Lucas and John Lucas that her father basically handed her the care for the family estate without a stutter. It was the same with the time she informed Alexa of meeting a certain Marquess.

All in all, Lizzy could say she bested at telling stories. Her cousins even adored her for it, especially when she's animated. What she was not good at, though, was expressing how she felt about the stories she told them.

She didn't tell her Grandma that it hurt being the least favourite daughter of her mother. She didn't tell her Aunt Madeline that she was scared because she feared that no man could or would ever love her – like Mama always said. Lady Amelia didn't know the extremity of her worry for Jane. The Lucases didn't know how crushed Lizzy felt when she'd realized that her father was only using her. Alexa was ignorant that she thought the Marquess the most handsome man of her acquaintance. And the Marquess was clueless of how much his actions had made Lizzy doubt herself; thus, the reason why she could not address him properly – even in her mind.

No one knew the depth of Elizabeth Bennet's feelings and she was glad to leave it at that. She couldn't let her sisters or Alexa know how much being called 'not handsome enough' bothered her, because more than anything, criticisms regarding her physical appearance affected her the most.

It started on Jane's ninth birthday. Little Lizzy was seven at the time and she remembered sitting in a corner of a room with Mary while Mama was busy brushing Jane's her saying that Jane "could not be so beautiful for nothing." Lizzy paid no heed to Mama's words. What disturbed her, however, was Jane's hair. It was blonde and straight like Mama's.

Unlike Jane's and Mama's, Lizzy's hair was curly and dark like her favourite hot chocolate. (Though, Alexa always argued with Lizzy about her hair colour. "'twas not dark brown Miss Lizzy, your hair has different coloured locks that vary from reddish-brown to a deep dark brown.")

At the time, Lizzy thought that the reason Mama always favoured Jane and Lydia was because of their hair. Mary and Kitty had dark hair like Lizzy's too. Nevertheless, while the three of them shared the same dark hair, Kitty's and Mary's were noticeably lighter than Lizzy's. And Lizzy found no trace of red in any of her sisters' hair that Alexa had pointed out in hers.

If that was not enough to perturbed Lizzy, she also noticed that her eyes which were the colour of evergreen were not like those of her sisters which ranges from blue to hazel. Since Lizzy became aware of her similarities, nay lack thereof, her looks bothered her greatly.

She remembered sharing this piece of information with Aunt Madeline when she was twelve, as well as her thoughts if she was adopted. However, those thoughts instantly vanished when her Aunt showed her younger miniatures of Grandma Claire and Grandpa Bennet (whom Lizzy hadn't got the chance to meet). It showed that she inherited her hair from her grandmother and her eyes from her grandfather.

Uncle Gardiner had even called her silly, in an amused manner, at the time. Apart from her hair and eyes, Lizzy had no other reason to doubt whether she was truly a Bennet. After all, she and her sisters shared the same complexion and Fanny Bennet was truly pregnant before Lizzy came into the world.

If Elizabeth Bennet was being honest, she was a little disappointed when she realized that she really was part of the Bennet family. Perhaps that was why she made a big deal about their different hair colours. At a young age, she was already searching for a way out. Maybe, unconsciously, Lizzy knew that this would be her future.

Or, it could also be that her younger self was desperate to excuse her parents' actions. It could be that, at the back of her mind, Lizzy knew that this was not the way she should be treated by her parents. And maybe, if she found proof that her parents weren't her real parents, it would hurt less: the accusations, the insults, the treatment, everything…

Before she could ponder more on the subject, Mary and Kitty entered the house. It wasn't lost on Lizzy that her sisters did so hesitantly. Her sisters had never been comfortable in the Dower House since they were never close with Grandma Claire but Lizzy wanted their conversation to be held here. Lizzy didn't want to take chance on Mama eavesdropping.

For someone who disliked her three middle daughters so much, Mama was keen on listening to their conversations. Fortunately for Lizzy, Fanny Bennet had no access to the Longbourn Dower House until Mr Bennet's passing. In Hertfordshire, the Dower House was Lizzy's sanctuary. She was more comfortable in staying there than Longbourn. After all, it was the house she grew up in with her grandmother. And while she might, on occasions, sleep in Kitty and Mary's room, Lizzy spent most of her time in the Dower House. Mrs Winters and Alexa were also more comfortable there, though they both accompany her whenever she chose to stay at Longbourn.

"Lizzy, if you are going to lecture us for doing what we did to Lord Ashbourne last night, then Kitty and I were sorry for being improper but we do not regret our words towards him."

Lizzy stared in shock at Mary. She hadn't had the chance to open her mouth yet.

"I agree with Mary, Lizzy," Kitty said, standing proudly beside Mary. "We may not be able to go against Mama and Papa, but at least to strangers we can defend each other."

Proud, yet at the same time worried for their actions (especially if it reached Mama's ears), Lizzy settled to hugging her sisters. "While I am still against what you two did last night, I'm proud of you for acknowledging your actions."

Mary and Kitty beamed at her.

Before anything more could be said, Mrs Hill was announced at the door.

"Good morning Ma'am." Mrs Hill smiled at them. "I'm afraid the three of you are needed at Longbourn. There are visitors looking for you all."

-p&p-

Anne de Bourgh woke up, the morning of the assembly, with a mission. After much pondering last night, she realised that perhaps she was wrong in agreeing to her mother's scheme in pushing Richard regarding their relationship. Anne did it with good intentions, though. She wanted for them to marry quickly not because she couldn't be patient with Richard but because she was worried about him.

Anne didn't want to take the chance when Richard would not return home from the war. She would not stop Richard from working with the military if that was what he really wanted, but she also wanted to build their life together as a family before anything bad could happen. After all, the future was unpredictable.

She didn't want history to repeat itself. Anne did not want to endure what her mother suffered from. She did not want Richard to endure what her mother suffered from. Most especially, she did not want her future child (hoping that God would bless them with) to experience what she had been through.

It was not a secret to anyone that Anne de Bourgh had never met her father. The only thing she was told about him was that he was a kind man and would have loved Anne if he was still alive. Anne had also suspected that her father's death was what caused her mother to change.

Her Uncle Matlock once told Anne that Lady Catherine used to be lively and full of smiles. "Of course she was still stern and commanding in her younger years but she was less bitter about it than she is now." Her Uncle often jested.

Anne had always lived her life by the rules under her mother. Perhaps it was because she almost died from a fever when was three that Lady Catherine became overprotective or maybe it was the cold she always caught not long after recovering from her almost death. She had lived five and twenty years being afraid of life and hiding under her mother's skirt, figuratively, that is.

Well, no more. She wanted to be with Richard and she would be with him, even if just for a few years to give him a child and for the child to grow old enough to recognize her. With the headaches and shortness of breath Anne had been experiencing recently, she feared for the future. Yes, it was wrong to push Richard, but what if her time was running out? What if his time was running out?

Nonetheless, after thinking about it thoroughly last night, she decided that the best way to deal with her worries was to talk to Richard. Anne could tell that her mother's schemes were taking a toll on him as well. Poor Richard!

When she reached the dining room, however, only Ashbourne was present. "I see you woke up early, cousin." She began talking, not looking at him and focused on selecting her food. "Was it because you wanted to pay a call on Longbourn during visiting hours to apologise on a certain lady?" Her voice had an underlying tone in it that should make it clear to her cousin that she was not asking, but rather ordering him to do what she said. It was not like Ashbourne would do what she wanted him to do, (Goodness knows the Darcys were very stubborn people) but it did not hurt to try.

"It is not close to visiting hours yet, cousin," Ashbourne replied. "And what is this Longbourn you spoke of?"

Anne narrowed her eyes at him. "Why, cousin, do not tell me that you insulted more than one woman at the assembly last night."

Ashbourne remained quiet. Anne continued eating, unbothered by it. Her Darcy relations weren't really the talkative type of people.

It was halfway through her meal when Ashbourne spoke again. "I didn't mean to insult her." If Anne was surprised at the emotion in her cousin's voice, she didn't show it. Maybe her cousin really felt guilty for ruining her chance at Miss Elizabeth's friendship. That, or Miss Mary and Miss Kitty might have said some words last night that smack some sense into her cousin. Miss Bingley did complain to Anne last night how she had overheard 'those country girls insulted Lord Ashbourne'. If it weren't any of her previous guesses, then perhaps it was Richard who knocked some sense into him.

"If what you are saying is true, then you should accompany me to Longbourn later. That is Miss Elizabeth's home, about three miles from here."

At that, Ashbourne nodded and focused on his meal.

Anne, at the thought of the Miss Bennets, could not help thinking if her visit later could serve another purpose. She had seen last night how Mrs Bennet treated her daughters, and if the woman was not afraid to disparage Miss Elizabeth in front of a crowd, then Anne feared that Miss Elizabeth and her sisters suffered more in the confines of their home.

Did Mrs Bennet only abuse them verbally? Or did that woman went as far as physically harming them? Whatever was going on at Longbourn, Anne was going to find out. She might not have known the Bennet sisters long but Anne felt for them. From the stories of Mrs Jenkinson, Anne's companion who was currently visiting her daughter in Bath, Anne had an idea how hard it was to be abused.

While Lady Catherine did her best to shelter Anne, Mrs Jenkinson opened her eyes to the world. Of course, her companion was never vulgar or rude but she did make Anne realise that the world was not always a happy place. Mrs Jenkinson had told Anne different stories about her life before she became Anne's companion and Anne could only hope that none of the Bennet sisters was experiencing the same fate Mrs Jenkinson did.

And even if they were, Anne knew what her next mission of the day would be. Since Richard was probably still asleep (she had heard from the servants that he and Ashbourne had been in their cups last night), he could wait until later. As of now, her mind was focused on the Misses Bennets. She would observe Longbourn during their visit later and if she found out something wrong then she would tell her mother and ask for her help.

Lady Catherine de Bourgh might act obnoxious and arrogant but deep down, she had a kind heart. Anne knew for it was proven by their servants, like Mrs Jenkinson for example. And Mr Collins! So really, if her mother could help abused servants and abandoned tenants, then she could help gentleman's daughters.

Before Anne could muse further on the subject, Mr Bingley joined them on the table.

-p&p-

Fanny Bennet was delighted to have the Netherfield party call on Longbourn. This would be a great chance for her dear Jane and Mr Bingley! To be honest, Mrs Bennet would prefer Lord Ashbourne for her eldest daughter (he was obviously richer and with a title!). However, Mrs Bennet also wanted Jane to settle down with someone whom she could esteem, and if Mr Bingley was that person then who was she to complain?

Fanny could clearly see that he was making her daughter happy, and with five thousand a year, she could also be happy with the match.

What Fanny Bennet could not be happy about, however, was the fact that the other visitors inquired about the three other girls. She was okay with Mary and Kitty (if only those two did not spend so much time with their 'favourite' Lizzy!) but with that Lizzy, she was not. Even the thought of the girl's name was giving her a headache!

Nevertheless, she could do nought but call for Hill to find the girls. She would just have to focus on Jane making a good match to refrain herself from doing anything she did not want for her guests to see – especially that Charlotte Lucas. Mrs Bennet was sure that Lady Lucas sent her daughter to Longbourn just to spy on her if she would embarrass that Lizzy.

It's not like that girl needed Mrs Bennet's help to be embarrassed. Why, that girl only had to enter the room and she'd embarrass herself. She should be ashamed of herself prancing around Longbourn, pretending she was helping the estate! Why, if she did not want to do all of that work then she should have let little Thomas live.

Then, it should be Fanny Bennet's beloved son roaming around Longbourn, not that girl! Oh, how Fanny missed her son. So beautiful, her baby boy… Shaking her head from unpleasant memories, Mrs Bennet busied herself by pouring tea for her guests.

"Pray, where are your sisters, Mr Bingley?" Mrs Bennet asked while handing him a cup of tea.

"They've only woken up when we left, Mrs Bennet. They still keep to town hours as they were not used to the country." Mrs Bennet nodded her head at Mr Bingley's answers.

Not wanting to keep his attention from Jane for too long, Mrs Bennet turned to Miss de Bourgh. "And how did you find the Assembly Miss de Bourgh?"

"It was enjoyable." Miss de Bourgh smiled a little. "Misses Mary, Kitty, and Elizabeth are fun to talk with." She then turned to Charlotte Lucas, "As well as Miss Lucas, if she was not preoccupied."

Charlotte Lucas smiled shyly and Fanny frowned. She still did not see what Colonel Forster see in the plain girl to agree in a courtship with her; clearly, Harriet Burton was more beautiful and lively like her Lydia.

Speaking of her youngest daughter, Lydia invited herself to join the conversation. "La, the four of them are not fun. I'm the fun one. If Papa allowed me to go at the Assembly last night, I would've danced and introduce you to many dance partners Miss de Bourgh."

"Lydia, you are not yet out," Jane said lightly.

"But I will soon turn fifteen. Just another year and then I would be out." Lydia proclaimed.

Before more could be said, Hill announced the arrival of Fanny's other daughters. Noticing how Miss de Bourgh frowned at Lydia's words, Fanny told the visitors what a fine day it was outside and persuaded them to walk around the area. That way, she also did not have to waste any time with those three girls.

-p&p-

"Miss Elizabeth." Darcy greeted once he and the lady whose name he spoke of was left to walk side by side, strategically by his cousin Anne.

"Lord Ashbourne." The lady in question said in response, not looking at him but at the path ahead of them. It was only after he slowed down his steps so that their companions were far ahead of them not to overhear any conversation when she looked up at him.

Oh, how he missed those eyes... her eyes… her…

He didn't mean to insult her last night, what he told his cousin Anne earlier was the truth. It was just that when he became aware of her presence and Bingley was offering to introduce him to her, he did not know what to do. He was not prepared to see her in Hertfordshire.

All his days of thinking about her, how he would make amends for the way their last encounter had gone, it was all for nought when he saw her. He was caught off guard that he didn't know what to do and instead blurted the first excuse he had thought of to avoid her – to call her tolerable and not handsome enough to tempt him. Unfortunately, he failed to control the volume of his voice; what was meant to be a whisper was said in a hard tone that practically shared his thoughts to everyone around them within three feet.

Surely, after the compliments he had told her during their time in London she would not believe that? That was Darcy's initial thoughts. Of course, it was too late when he realised that she always had a hard time believing his words regarding her beauty. And when Mrs Bennet made a scene not long after he had delivered his comments last night, Eliza – Miss Elizabeth's source of insecurity was revealed.

What a fool Darcy had been! Eliz – Miss Elizabeth always had a cheerful demeanour that he thought her to be always happy. He didn't even think that beneath her bright eyes and brilliant smiles was a sad girl, insecure of herself. Thinking of his words upon their last meeting, Darcy wanted to kick himself. How abominable my accusations were! What must she think of me?

And the pain he might've caused her last night! She must've thought him the worse of men. What would his mother say about his behaviour? Truly, Darcy was ashamed of himself. Just thinking about how much he had hurt her pained him as well. His fist involuntarily closed as his past words played again and again on his mind.

'If he had learned to behave in a gentleman-like manner,' the words of Miss Mary and Miss Kitty was echoing in his head; what made it worse was that their voices were replaced by one of Eli – Miss Elizabeth's. His jaw clenched as he realised that she was innocent in all these. He was the one at fault. He hadn't only offended her once but twice!

He couldn't bear it if he did so again, intentional or not. He wanted to have what they had back in London when they were still clueless about who the other was. He missed her conversations, her smiles, her teasing, her laughter, he missed her.

He frowned as he recalled the look on her face after his unpardonable comments and her mother's insults. Her cheeks were red (probably from both embarrassment and anger), eyes glassy, and jaw set firm. It looked familiar. Then he remembered – it was the exact same expression she had on their last meeting in London.

She hid her pain well. Darcy remembered that she had raised her head to face the crowd and tried to smile at Anne when she handed his cousin a drink. He was proud of her, for being brave and still standing up despite the discomfort she must've felt. At the same time, he was saddened by this realisation. Just how long had she been concealing her emotions to be almost perfect at the act?

Darcy still couldn't comprehend how much he felt for her or the name of what he was feeling. He knew he was attracted to her since their first meeting, there was no denying that. He also had long accepted that she had bewitched him – her mind, her beauty, simply being her – had captured him.

But after all that's happened, he wanted to take things one step at a time. Like their previous encounters, he wanted to forget who he was for a moment. His focus was to erase the pain, the hurt, which she was experiencing right now.

And staring at those green eyes right now, Darcy knew he would try and do just that. "Miss Elizabeth," he began once again. However, before he could start begging for forgiveness, she turned and ran away from him.


So… what do you guys think?