RECAP:

Chapter 9 – Darcy comes up with a way for Lizzy to go out more, with the help of his guards Jacobs and Carson; Lizzy gives the cousins a tour in Oakham Mount and tells them about her Grandma Claire; Lady Catherine searching for someone named Claire Wentworth. Lizzy realises her feelings.

© 2019 Zest Layne


"Mama, I had a nightmare…" Elizabeth heard her four-year-old self saying hesitantly, peeking slightly at her mother's chambers. When she didn't get a response, she opened the door farther and let her little feet carry her near her mother's bed. "Can I sleep with you, please? I'm scared."

Instead of the gentle hug that she was hoping for, her mother sprung out of bed and grabbed one of her arms. "I told you that you have no permission to enter my room!" As Mrs Bennet's voice rose with every word, so did the tightness of her grip.

Elizabeth stood frozen on her spot as she watched her younger self shrink at Mama's words. "B-but Janey also had a bad dream last night and you let her stay…"

"That's because she's Jane! And unlike you, she did not kill my son!" Mrs Bennet dragged little Lizzy to the door as she continued shouting accusations. "It should have been you who's in the graveyard, not my son."

With those parting words, Mrs Bennet shut the door in front of little Lizzy's face. Elizabeth could do nought but looked rigidly at the scene as little Lizzy bit her lower lip to stop herself from making a sound and hugged her small middle as tears streamed down her face.

Elizabeth remembered that day very well – it was her first clear memory of Mama's accusations and harsh treatment. Grandma Claire had gone to Town earlier that day for what Elizabeth guessed as business matters (she was not quite sure she remembered the specific reason). However, Elizabeth did remember having a nightmare about a beast hiding under her bed which had her younger self at her wits end. In hopes of finding comfort, she sought her mother, only to be turned away cruelly.

As Elizabeth watched her old self walk away from the hallway dejectedly, she thought that her recollection of bad memories was over.

However, that was not to be because the next thing she knew, she was suddenly standing in the corner of her father's study. This time, her younger self was much older being ten and four years. Unlike the shaky little girl who came to her mother, her teen self was confident, standing tall and proud as she spoke to her father.

"If you did not let your wife overspent the estate's income, then the damaged caused by the storm would be fixed immediately."

Papa remained seated in his chair, his hands holding a book and it's as if he did not hear her words. "Sir, I ask you to please put down your book and listen to me."

Mr Bennet still did not move nor replied.

Elizabeth saw her younger self clenched her fist, took a deep breath and started speaking again. "Fine, be that way, Sir, and blame me for the lesser money earned this year." Little Lizzy started calmly, gritting her teeth. "It certainly had nothing to do with the fact that you sit here all day and read a book while your wife overspends the money that should be spared to help with the sick tenants and the repairs!"

Little Lizzy had noticed that her father had gone rigid, his fists turning white as he held his book. She also noticed his jaw hardened and that despite the book between them, he was looking at her with stern eyes. From his body movements, it was obvious that he was angry – but at least she was getting a reaction from him this time!

'Oh, how wrong my younger self was to want a reaction from him…' Elizabeth thought sadly. She wanted to close her eyes, to forget what came next, but just like the first scene with Mama, she was unable to move. And so, Elizabeth watched little Lizzy deliver her final words: "But I guessed I should not be surprised seeing as how a negligent father you are, you ought to be a negligent landowner as well!"

Smack!

The sound of the slap reverberated around the room.

Tears sprang in little Lizzy's eyes as she took in what had happened. Elizabeth's eyes swelled up with unshed tears as well as she watched her younger self touch her injured cheek with one hand, mouth open in shock.

The next thing she heard was the loud sound of the door shutting.

'No more please,' Elizabeth begged silently, 'no more.' But Elizabeth once again received no mercy and was helplessly frozen as the scene change around her. This time it was Jane shouting at her, blaming Lizzy for losing Mr Kearsley. It was followed by Lydia's insulting words. The worse part of her dream was Mary and Kitty was pointing their fingers at her as well, wishing she had never been their sister.

Then everything started to disappear until all she could see around her was black. Still, though she was alone in the darkness, the voices of her family continued to consume her. Elizabeth wanted to scream but no voice came out. Then, she felt her legs buckled before finally collapsing to the ground, her knees planted on the floor. Lastly, when she was able to move her hands, she brought them to her ears, hoping that she would stop hearing their cruel words.

"Stop, please," she finally heard her voice at last after what felt like forever. "I didn't… You're wrong… Stop…" For a long time, she kept whispering those things as she hugged her knees to herself, curling up into a ball and making herself as small as possible.

Just when Elizabeth thought that the torture would never end, she heard a gentle voice calling out to her. "Lizzy…"

As the voice repeated itself, the darkness started to turn into a familiar setting – Grandma Claire's chambers. Then, as if being summoned, Grandma Claire's figure suddenly appeared on the bed. "Lizzy, my little Lizzy…"

Instantly, Elizabeth flung herself into her. "Grandma, oh, how I missed you!"

But Elizabeth was ignored; her grandmother was not looking at her but at her younger self who was kneeling on the floor beside the bed. "Listen carefully, my little Lizzy, for I do not much have time left. Your parents love you very much, trust me in this. Your family loves you, Lizzy… especially your mother. Do not be mad at her for doing what she did, child. She only did it for you…"

With her dying breath, Claire Bennet whispered one last time, "You are loved Lizzy, believe me…"

Then, before anything else could happen, Elizabeth jolted on the bed, cold sweat dripping down her back and forehead. That was how she woke up on a cold Sunday, hours before the sun could rise. She found that it was no use trying to sleep again, seeing as she was too shaken up to do so. Instead, she busied herself with a book.

She made it halfway through the story but the words passed her and she couldn't seem to follow where the story was going, her mind still preoccupied with her thoughts. Putting the book down, Elizabeth opened the topmost drawer of the cabinet beside her and pulled out the entwined miniatures of her grandparents.

Looking at the younger version of her Grandma Claire, she softly asked: "Do they really love me like you said, grandma?"

Elizabeth didn't know how long she stared at the younger version of her grandmother that she was holding but when Alexa came into her room to dress her for the day, Elizabeth hid the miniatures in her pocket and talked to her Abigail as if nothing had happened.

-p&p-

Jane's return to Longbourn had also marked the return of the Bennets' normal routine. This meant that since Mrs Bennet now had her two favourite daughters at home, then her attention would be focused on them, freeing Mary and Kitty from her watchful eye.

They could finally visit Lizzy again.

However, once Elizabeth realised that it was getting close to the middle of November, she found out the nature of her most recent nightmare. Perhaps, unconsciously, her mind knew that the day was approaching. This also meant that she would not be seeing her sisters any time soon. Oh, how she missed them! While Elizabeth loved the time she had spent with Anne, the Marquess, and the Colonel, she longed to spend time with her sisters again.

Lizzy knew that their lack of visits was not their own doing, but because of the fact that Mama or Papa would not let them. In fact, Lizzy thought that she should be used to it by now, seeing as it was getting close to the 19th of November.

If Mama and Papa usually limited her time with her sisters, then they would make sure that Lizzy never got to spend any time with them all when that particular date was approaching – the day of her twin brother's death. Of course, it pained Lizzy to be away from her family at such an unhappy time but she respected Mama's feelings on the matter. Lizzy knew that Mama was devastated at the loss of her brother, the one who could save them all from the hedgerows, as Mama would often put it.

So, when Monday evening came and Mrs Hill came to the Dower House saying that her parents requested her presence immediately, Elizabeth was more than surprised. Despite her shock at this, Lizzy complied with her parents' request. She was not looking forward to sleeping anyway. Besides, what if her nightmare was a sign? Grandma Claire did tell her at the end that her parents loved her, right?

With hope beginning to swell in her chest, Elizabeth arrived at Longbourn with a smile plastered on her face. Perhaps, Mama and Papa had come to terms with the death of her twin and they no longer blamed it on her. Maybe they'll finally show that they cared for Lizzy.

However, Mrs Bennet's statement at seeing her had crashed all those hopes and rendered Elizabeth speechless for a moment. "This is Elizabeth, the second eldest. I'm sure you'd be able to tolerate her as your wife."

The whole room had gone silent at Mrs Bennet's presumptuous words and it took Lizzy to realise that she was talking to a tall, heavy-looking young man with dark hair and eyes.

After a few more seconds, the stranger was the one who replied to the matron. "It is a pleasure to meet all of your daughters, Mrs Bennet. It is no doubt that they were all of grace and beauty. However, while I am looking for a wife, I think that my search can start tomorrow. It is rather late in the evening, do you not think? Lady Catherine, my esteemed patroness, did remind me that I should have a clear mind in choosing a life companion and I believe a well-rested night of sleep is the key to achieve that."

"Of course, Mr Collins, however…" the rest of Mama's sentence was lost on Lizzy as she continued to take in the situation.

When she found her voice to speak, she looked directly at Mrs Hill even though it was addressed to everyone. "I, too, am tired and would like to retire. Good evening to you all," after a quick curtsy, she calmly walked to the door.

She was only a few steps away when a hand caught her arm. She turned around only to find Mrs Bennet's furious eyes. "Do not think that you can escape that easily, Missy. Since my son can't save us from losing Longbourn, you will." The older woman's grip on her arms tightened. "You will marry Mr Collins and I will retain my home. Do you think that I do not know that you were befriending the people at Netherfield?"

When she did not reply, Mrs Bennet pulled her farther away from the house, still not releasing her arm. "You will stop your illusions at once, do you hear me? Mr Collins is the only offer you will receive and you will accept him, whether you like it or not. I will ask Hill to bring you again to me on Thursday and you will obey me, girl!"

It was only when she felt herself nod that Mrs Bennet released her arm and went back to the house. Lizzy could only stand there in shock. If Mrs Hill did not approach her, then Lizzy was sure she would remain in her position for much longer.

"I'm so sorry, dear." Mrs Hill's embrace was the only thing shielding her from the cold night. "I should have warned you about it first…"

In answer, Lizzy shook her head. "It's not your fault Mrs Hill. I did walk ahead of you because of my excitement. I doubt that you would be able to catch up with me to tell me what was happening. It was my fault for hoping."

The older woman's reply was by placing Lizzy's head to lean on her shoulder once again. Lizzy stayed like that with Mrs Hill for quite some time and she only pulled away from the older woman, when Graham approached them. "Thank you, Mrs Hill."

After kissing the woman's cheek, Lizzy allowed Graham to escort her back to the Dower House. She could spy Archie a few yards ahead of them and could hear Roger's step from behind her. Their presence was the only thing that kept Lizzy aware of her surroundings.

When they got back, she ran past Andrew, who was waiting by the door and headed straight to her room. If Mrs Winters or Alexa, who she also passed at the sitting room, noticed her sudden flight, they did not follow her. For that, she was grateful. She did not want them to look at her with pity while she cried her heart out.

Yet, as she sat alone in her bedroom, staring at her reflection on the mirror across her, the tears she was waiting for never came. They remained unshed but she felt their heaviness weighing in her lids. 'Do not cry, Lizzy.' She silently instructed herself. 'It was your fault for hoping anyway so you have no right to cry.'

Her mantra had been successful and it was only when she had closed her eyes to sleep that she felt a teardrop ran down her cheek.

-p&p-

When Elizabeth woke up the next morning, she went on her usual routine as if nothing had happened and bid Mrs Winters take care and be careful on her journey to London. Before luncheon yesterday, a letter had arrived from her Aunt Madeline asking Mrs Winters of her assistance with the children since Uncle Edward's old warehouse – which was presently used as a small storage for common materials after they had relocated – had been caught on fire. It was a good thing that they did not store expensive goods there, but still, the products that had been kept there had been burned. Nonetheless, they were all thankful that no one had been harmed.

Yesterday, when she had learned the unfortunate events, Lizzy was adamant to travel with Mrs Winters. But after what had happened last night, Lizzy knew she would not be able to help her Aunt and Uncle so she had decided to oblige their request and stay at the Dower House. Besides, with the mood she was currently in, she would only add to their worries and be a burden which she didn't want.

Instead of her presence, a letter was given to Mrs Winters to deliver to Aunt Madeline. It contained information telling them that Lizzy was well and in good health, not to worry about her, asking how the Gardiner family were fairing, to take care of themselves, and her request for her Aunt's immediate reply. Lizzy really wished that her Aunt would write to her soon for it would take away some things off her mind… especially with the recurring nightmares she had been having these past few days.

She had been dreaming of the same thing over and over again to the point that she was afraid to sleep. The comfort she once felt in Grandma Claire's appearance was gone too. For though her grandmother was in her dreams, her words telling Lizzy that her family loved her now seemed mocking. Whatever hopes she once held about her parents finally showing some care for her were now gone. Her disappointment and her unpleasant dreams, along with the unfortunate news about the fire on the Gardiners' old warehouse in London, had caused Lizzy to lose her appetite and hours of sleep.

Elizabeth knew that Alexa suspected that her subdued behaviour had to do with today's date and no other reason. For that, Elizabeth was grateful. She didn't want her abigail to worry about her nightmares or her mother's demands that she marry Mr Collins. Besides, if she told Alexa these things, Elizabeth was certain that the abigail would immediately write to Aunt Gardiner. Lizzy couldn't afford to bother her Aunt like that, especially since her letter about the fire revealed her distressed state despite trying to hide it.

To confirm her abigail's suspicion of her quiet mood since Sunday, Elizabeth asked Alexa's assistance to change into a gown of darker colour once Mrs Winters left. Elizabeth he chose a simple mauve day gown and partnered it with a black shawl. To anyone who would see her, it would appear to them that she was mourning. And she was, for today was the 19th of November, the day her twin brother had died. Back at Longbourn, Elizabeth knew that her parents and sisters were dressed in the same fashion as she was too.

She only prayed that wherever her brother was now, he was in peace.

-p&p-

When Fitzwilliam Darcy saw the tone colours Elizabeth was wearing that day, he was immediately worried. Why was she dressed in mourning clothes? Had something happened? Who died? Was Elizabeth doing alright? He did notice that there were some dark areas under her eyes and that her orbs seemed to have lost their sparkle today. Of course, his beloved still looked lovely but her lack of spirit worried Darcy.

Even when she offered them a welcoming smile, Darcy was still not comforted. His concern overpowering his being, once inside, Darcy immediately asked: "Are all your family in good health?"

"They are, my Lord. Thank you for asking." She replied before frowning, "However, I've received some distressing news from my Aunt Gardiner yesterday and their old warehouse had been caught on fire."

"Is there anyone harmed?"

"Thankfully, there is none, Colonel."

"That's good to hear," said Richard. "I think I shall write a letter to Mr Gardiner to see how he fares. I am one of his investors, after all."

Once Elizabeth expressed her approval of Richard's plans, Anne was quick to ask next. "If you do not mind me asking, Lizzy, why are you wearing mourning colours if no one is hurt by the fire? Was there another incident that happened?"

Elizabeth shook her head lightly. "There was none. However, my choice of clothes today is to commemorate the death of my twin brother."

Sensing her uneasiness, Darcy was quick to change the subject. "How is Master Abbot faring?"

At Lord Ashbourne's question, Elizabeth couldn't help but smile lightly. Little Michael Abbot was one of the children of Longbourn's tenants who got along well with the Marquess when they visited last Saturday. He was a sweet boy of six but was too small for his age causing him to shy away from the other children because of their teasing.

Elizabeth had tried to raise his confidence but it only resulted in little improvement. Michael would join the others but only if they asked him to join them first. If not, he was content to watch quietly on a corner. So when Elizabeth had visited with the cousins last Saturday, she was surprised that Lord Ashbourne had been the one who managed to get the boy out of his shell.

"He reminds me of myself." Lord Ashbourne had told her when she had asked him what his secret was for persuading Michael so easily to initiate his interaction with the children. "My father started teaching me about my duties at a young age so I rarely had the time to play; and whenever I get the chance to, I had been too shy to do so. So when I saw Master Abbot watching the other children from a corner, I asked him what he wanted to become when he grows up."

"That's it?" Elizabeth has asked in disbelief. "I tried many times to increase his confidence and you ask him that question and he was suddenly alright playing with the others? You must be playing with me, my Lord."

"Me, play with you?" He had asked looking offended. "Never, Miss Elizabeth." His serious look then turned playful with his next sentence. "However, if you ask me nicely then I might tell you Master Abbot's answer."

True to his words, once she had asked nicely, he did tell her the whole conversation he had with the shy little boy. "Master Abbot told me that he wanted to become like his father because his father was not afraid of the dark or thunderstorms. So I told Master Abbot that if he wanted to be brave like his father then, he has to conquer his fears first."

Touched at the tale, Elizabeth had smiled at him. "That was an interesting way to encourage him."

"The credit belongs to Mrs Reynolds, one of my the housekeepers of my family's estates. She had asked me the same thing when I was a child. Master Abbot and I happened to have the same answer so I supposed that was why it worked on him too." Despite his nonchalance, Elizabeth had seen the pained look in his eyes that had flashed briefly.

"I'm sure that your father was proud of you. I know, I am," she had told him softly, before narrowing her eyes playfully at him. "However, I am loathed to admit it seeing as you bested me in helping little Michael."

The smile she had received in return had rendered her almost speechless.

"Have you visited him again after last Saturday?" Lord Ashbourne's question brought Elizabeth out of her thoughts.

"Yes, yesterday. He was disappointed not to see you, though."

And with that, the conversation had turned to lighter subjects which Darcy was thankful for. Elizabeth seemed on edge today, her fingers fidgeting with anything they came in contact with. She had also not touched any of the pastries that served in front of them. At her restless behaviour, Darcy was determined to keep the topic from getting serious for fear that Elizabeth might not be able to handle it without losing her composure.

Unfortunately for him, his wishes were thrown right out of the window the moment Anne spoke up. "I am not one to pry, Lizzy, but you are my dear friend and I only wanted to help you. Forgive me for asking bluntly, but is there an estrangement growing with you from your family?"

-p&p-

It was hours after Mrs Winters' departure, when Anne, along with Lord Ashbourne and Colonel Fitzwilliam, called on her. Their presence brought her some comfort, especially now that she was aware of her feelings for the Marquess, but it was not enough to keep Elizabeth from her whirlwind of thoughts.

On the first couple minutes of their visit, Lizzy did her best to be the consummate hostess – welcoming them with a graceful smile, serving tea, and engaging them in polite conversation. However, it was Anne's unexpected question that caught her off guard and broke her walls. "I am not one to pry, Lizzy, but you are my dear friend and I only wanted to help you. Forgive me for asking bluntly, but is there an estrangement growing with you from your family?"

Maybe it was her surprise at Anne's question, perhaps it was the anxiousness and worry she felt for her Gardiner relations, maybe it stemmed up from her disappointment and hurt last night, maybe it could be the nightmares, perhaps it was because of the significance of the date today, maybe it was her lack of food or sleep since Sunday, or for all she knew it could the pain she had been carrying all these years – whatever it was, Elizabeth suddenly found it hard to breathe; and it was with a grieved look and a shaky voice that she tried to answer Anne. "I was the cause of my twin brother's death…"

Elizabeth would have winced for how weak she sounded at the way her voice cracked at the last word if her declaration wasn't followed by heavy sobs that made her chest contract in pain and left her almost breathless.

Upon seeing his beloved suddenly burst into tears, Darcy, who was originally sitting on a single chair near her, immediately moved to Elizabeth's side on the settee and took hold of her hand after placing his handkerchief in her other hand. In turn, he felt her hand grip his own tightly as if drawing strength and support.

"I'm so sorry Lizzy," Anne said rushing to Elizabeth's other side, quickly followed by Richard. "It's alright if you don't want to talk about it. I didn't mean to push you."

Elizabeth opened her mouth to reply but nothing came out, when Darcy noticed her difficulty in breathing, his other hand reached for the teapot and he poured some tea on her empty cup. However, before he could hand it to her, Richard transferred its contents to another empty cup. Darcy glared at him and was about to protest when Richard held out a hand signalling him to wait and showed him a small bottle of brandy.

"The strong taste would bring her back to us," Richard explained after pouring some of the liquid into Elizabeth's teacup.

Nodding, Darcy held the cup up to Elizabeth. When he saw her hand shaking, Darcy didn't let go of her cup and assisted her into drinking it. "Take a few sips, Elizabeth." When she obeyed, Darcy continued to encourage her. "Just a few more to warm you up, dearest; your hands are cold and you're very pale."

When she finished the cup, her breathing was still uneven and it pained Darcy to her like that.

"Breathe, Elizabeth," He coaxed softly, as he did the same, hoping that she would follow his lead. It took a few more times before she copied him and when she did, he gave her a light smile. "That's it, dearest, slowly."

If anyone noticed Darcy's slip of calling Elizabeth by her name and an endearment more than once, none of them pointed it out.

When Elizabeth regained her normal breathing, she spoke to Anne slowly. "I-It's alright A-Anne, there's nothing to forgive." Though her countenance was less pale, her voice was still soft and a little shaky. After wiping her eyes using Darcy's handkerchief, she continued addressing Anne. "Perhaps, it was time that I talk to someone about it. I believe that keeping everything to myself for more than ten years has left me surprisingly emotional." Her last statement was said with a half-hearted weak laugh but none of them had the heart to laugh or smile.

"If you're sure, Lizzy, then we will listen," Anne said. "You can trust us."

"Here have some tea before you begin," said Darcy handing her a full cup. The brandy had done her paling countenance good but Darcy knew that more alcohol would do no good so he offered her tea instead. His mother once told her that tea is good for reducing anxiety.

"Thank you," Elizabeth smiled weakly at him and Darcy squeezed her hand in return.

-p&p-

Meanwhile, at the Gardiner Residence in London, Edward Gardiner stared helplessly at his wife who lay unmoving on the bed. She had been crying incessantly after he informed her of his suspicions that the fire in their old warehouse had not been by accident, that he was forced to put some sleeping herbs in her tea to help her calm down and rest.

Madeline had been calm when he told her about the fire. It was only when Edward had told her of his suspicions that she broke down immediately into tears and started to panic.

Edward loved his wife very much and he knew she was a strong woman. It was why he did not keep his suspicions from her, knowing that she could handle it. However, the things that happened in the past few years had made Madeline worry constantly for all of their safety. She was still strong, there was no doubt about that, but she had also become sensitive about matters concerning their safety.

Perhaps he had overestimated her wife and he now regretted telling her his suspicions. Yet, at the same time, he knew that he needed to tell her the truth. That way, they could be prepared for the next things that would come their way – the fire was just a warning. The worst was yet to come…

"We will get through this, Maddie." He whispered to his wife's unconscious form. "I promise."

At that moment, only three things brought him comfort. One; the children were playing safely in the next room, two; Lizzy was safe in Hertfordshire, surrounded by footmen and living in a Dower House that had many hiding places, and three; Claire Bennet had left off many false trails to make sure that they would never find her and Lizzy.

Edward could only hope that Claire had many more aliases left to distract the people after them, giving him some time to plan his next course of action to protect his family and Lizzy… otherwise, everything they had worked hard for would come to nought.


What do you guys think of the fire at the Gardiners' old warehouse? Mr Collins? Lizzy's brother's death anniversary? Mrs Bennet's demands? Edward Gardiner? State your opinion in the reviews!

Up next, Lizzy finally telling her story to the cousins.

If you want something to occupy your time while waiting for updates then I recommend you go to YouTube and check out the "Pride and Prejudice: A New Musical" by Paul Gordon the soundtracks are available there and it's fun to listen to. The songs in "Austen's Pride: A New Musical of Pride and Prejudice" are good too but they're harder to find. The soundtracks on "Jane Eyre the Musical" are cool too.