SUMMARY:
The first time around, he sees everyone around him drop dead one by one, eliminated early in the game so they're not a threat later. He sees Father suck the life of all those that made it far enough. He sees Al's eyes dim in the armor, and Ed just… gives up
Truth has other plans.
—§—
"You'll be able to go back, time and time again, until you fix things. When you do, I'll give your little brother his body back. Equivalent exchange."
It's too good to be true. There has to be a catch somewhere.
"What do you say, Mister Al-che-mist?"
(Ed is foolish enough to accept on the spot.)
Hello! So, if you're a regular reader of mine, you'll know this is the first time I write for the fma fandom. I watched fmab a few months ago after putting it off for like a year (honestly don't know why, it's amazing) and of course it became my newest obsession. I'm currently trying to find the time to watch the 03 version because I've heard a lot of wild things from it and I honestly need to know what the heck goes on over there (will probably do it during winter holls, uni is kicking my ass), but for now I'll stick to brotherhood since I know more about it.
I'm using the prompt 'everything is the same but _' from the Royed Bingo on Tumblr for this one, though things did get changed a bit because my but kind of fucked things up some, ups. Expect a lot of angst because this one will hurt (ignore the fact that all of my fics hurt), but as it says in the tags it's a happy ending because I honestly can't handle sad endings.
This is the first chapter out of four, as you can see in the tags and all. The whole thing is finished, I just need to edit the other chapters. Everything will be posted throughout royed week.
Also, everyone say thank you to my brother, who, like with most of my longer fics, let me come at really random times of the day to ramble about this. He read this over while I was writing because I was too excited and needed someone to understand what I was talking about (and he's the only one who's watched fma in my house), helped me bounce off ideas and plan for scenes, and actually read it all again once I finished to help me beta even though he doesn't even ship royed (though he did get really invested at one point so who knows). I wouldn't have gotten this little masterpiece, especially not in the two months I wrote it in, without him.
If you think there's something I should tag specifically let me know.
That's all, I think, so enjoy the chapter!
Ed wakes up in a puddle of his own blood.
It's a common occurrence by now, as is the throbbing pain of his arm and leg, both having been chopped off just moments before. One would think he would be used to the pain by now, after going through it so many times, but there's something about this particular incident that never gets easier, or less painful. Ed thinks it's because of the shame he feels, that knowing this action, the one he regrets the most, is the one he will never be able to change.
It's fitting, he also thinks, that even after being given so many chances, he'll never be able to give Al the years he'll lose trapped in the armor.
Ed chances a look at the familiar circle. He's not sure how to feel, when he doesn't even feel the need to gag at the mess of black goo and disfigured limbs that was supposed to be Trisha Elric.
Through the haze of the pain, Ed feels as Al lifts him up, trying not to jostle him too much as he babbles a bunch of garbled noises that Ed knows from countless loops are meant to be assurances of his well being and survival. Ed tries to smile, if only to make his brother feel better, but he's sure it comes out as a grimace when his leg graces something, sending a piercing jolt of pain through his body.
"Shit," he gasps in pain before he can stop himself. Al immediately apologizes, his voice getting more panicked and desperate by the second.
"I'm sorry, Brother!" he cries, cradling him closer to his chest plate. "I'm so sorry! I have to take you to Granny's, she'll fix you up, she'll stop the blood and—"
"Hey. Fuck, Al, hey, listen to me," he coughs up, wincing when he tastes blood in his mouth. That won't do much to reassure Al. "It's alright, don't worry. It doesn't even hurt that much," he lies with the ease he had gotten around the fifteenth loop. This time, when he tries to smile, he's more successful. "You just worry about getting to Granny's and it'll all be okay. You hear me?"
"O-okay, Brother," Al takes a shuddering breath. Then, he keeps walking, out of the house, through the path between their house and the Rockbells', to the porch, until they are in front of the door, and Al is ringing the doorbell.
Pinako Rockbell answers the door a few moments later, dressed in her nightgown and looking like she had just gotten out of bed, which she probably had. She gasps when she sees Ed's bleeding arm and leg - or well, what's left of them anyways - and her form stills when she hears Al's childish voice coming from the huge suit or armor in front of her. To her credit, she takes it all in stride, letting them both in and immediately setting to work on Ed's injuries. Ed doesn't like burdening her like this, but he doesn't have much of a choice as he is now. There are some things he has never been able to change no matter how many loops he's been in, and this night is one of them.
Another way for Truth to remind him of his failings, probably. Truth's a bit of a bastard like that, despite the many times Ed has visited the white space of the Gates that still gives him nightmares, and the numerous talks they've had by now.
Ed still doesn't know when Truth became somewhat of a confidant, but somewhere around the fortieth loop he realized Truth was the only one that knew what he was going through, so it really became a thing of necessity rather than a choice. Truth lets him ramble away from time to time, mostly when he's in between loops and needs to brainstorm, so Ed has a feeling Truth gets kind of lonely and appreciates the company. If a being like that can get lonely, that is.
Ah, it seems like the blood loss is really affecting his thought process by now, that with the adrenaline draining. He's also feeling the effects of those drugs that Granny has administered him, so he's feeling a bit loopy.
Loopy. Loops. What loop is this, anyway? Ed likes to keep count, helps him ground himself in a world where everything is the same and at the same time nothing alike at all, but for the life of him he can't remember if it's the hundredth or the thousandth.
Probably not the thousandth, but one hundred loops doesn't seem right either…
Holymotherfuckingshit— a stab of white hot pain goes through his arm. Whatever it is Granny gave him, it's obviously not done as much effect as he'd hoped, because that hurts like a bitch. Though maybe they're just phantom pains. That's probably right, he does have them from time to time. Which is weird because he does have his limbs. Sort of. His nerves are attached to them so they're basically like real limbs anyway, right?
Right.
Does Ed always get this incoherent when he's drugged? He doesn't remember it being like this the other times. Though, to be fair, given that he's high as a kite right now, that's probably fair.
Ed blinks blarily, he distantly hears voices - what are they saying? Are they talking to him? Probably - and the next second he's resting on a mattress in the Rockbells' infirmary, rather than laying on the kitchen table while Granny sews him up.
Okay, so maybe those drugs did work.
Ed stays still for a while, getting his thoughts in order. He's come back, again. Which means things didn't work out. Again. He'll have to figure out what went wrong, and what can he salvage from his last fuck up. Preferably before Roy comes knocking down his door.
Roy.
Fuck. Ed hates the fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach he always gets when he thinks of his future - past? Present? - commanding officer. He doesn't have time for that - he can't afford to be distracted by something like feelings.
He's seen how that's turned out before. It's not worth the heartache.
No, what Ed needs to do is get his head out of his fucking ass, and get his thoughts in order. He has to figure out what he did wrong last time, and make sure he won't make that mistake again. He has to get his automail surgery done so he can start working on fixing this clusterfuck. Then maybe, this time around he won't fuck up too badly.
If he does though, he can always start again.
(He can put another mark on his tally of failures, can add another way he got them all killed, how he failed them again, how he's never been enough, another reason why he's way too in over his head, why he's still nothing but that foolish boy that thought himself smart enough to get around the price of performing human transmutation and cursed his brother to half a life instead, all those loops ago and then again, and again, and again again again again.)
Thing is, he does not need any kind of feelings, least of all for a man so far out of his reach. Roy Mustang is nothing but a silly dream for vulnerable nights when he's too tired to hide behind his masks and walls, and this night is definitely not one of them.
The first loop is awful.
No one knew anything back then, so maybe it's understandable that everything went to shit so fast that badly.
Ed tries, Truth knows he tries so hard to make things right. But he's no god, no matter how many times he's tried to act like one.
The first time around, he sees everyone around him drop dead one by one, eliminated early in the game so they're not a threat later. He sees that thing - not human, there's no way it's human, no matter how human it looks, how much it looks like Hohenheim, how much it looks like Ed - suck the life of all those that made it far enough. He sees Al's eyes dim in the armor, and Ed just… gives up.
Truth has other plans.
("You'll be able to go back, time and time again, until you fix things. When you do, I'll give your little brother his body back. Equivalent exchange."
It's too good to be true. There has to be a catch somewhere.
"What do you say, Mister Al-che-mist?" )
(Ed is foolish enough to accept on the spot.)
Ed is already in a wheelchair when Roy and Hawkeye knock on the Rockbells' door. Since that night, Winry has only left the room to pick up food and to sleep. Al hasn't left his side since he woke up a few days ago, fussing over him. He acts like he's fine, like Ed doesn't know Al isn't eating anything, or sleeping at night - that he can't. It makes his stomach churn with guilt and self loathing, but then again, it's not an unfamiliar feeling.
Like in all the loops before this one, Ed hears a commotion coming from the porch, and then suddenly he's being hauled up by a fist grabbing at his shirt. Ed looks up, golden eyes clashing with a pair of black orbs full of fury and fear.
"We just went to your house! What was that thing?!" Ed doesn't answer, breath caught at the sight of a younger Roy Mustang. He always gets blindsided the first time he sees the man, no matter how many times this same interaction has played out. He looks skinnier, his face paler. There are big dark circles under his eyes, that manage to look frantic and empty and at the same time so full of rage and guilt for so many different things. It's a vivid reminder that this Roy has only just gotten out of Ishval, that his memories chase his every waking moment.
Unaware of Ed's inner thoughts, Roy growls at the lack of answer and tightens his grip on his shirt. "What did you do?!"
Ed looks down. Of all the arguments they've had, this is the only one Ed can't fight back on. Roy has done a lot of terrible things, has ended countless lives with a snap of his finger, but at least he can say he's never played at being god like Ed has.
"We're sorry," Al rests a metallic hand on Roy's shoulder, and the man's eyes widen when he looks up and matches the childish voice with the huge suit of armor in front of him. "Please forgive us. Please. We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry."
"You're…"
"Alphonse Elric. My little brother," Roy's eyes travel back to Ed's face. His face holds a mix of horror and pity. Ed hates it. "When an alchemist tries to play god, Lieutenant Colonel, they are forcibly reminded of their own mortality," Ed manages a sardonic little smile, ignoring Al's pained whine in favor of Roy's crestfallen expression.
Roy lets go of his shirt then, and Ed lets himself fall back against the wheelchair.
"What did you do?" he asks again, his voice this time a mere whisper, looking afraid of the answer. Ed looks back at him straight in the eye.
"We tried to play god."
At first, Ed thinks it'll only take one more chance. After all, he's already lived all this, he knows what to expect.
He had terribly underestimated how little he knew, how insignificant he could be. He had no idea it would take dozens of loops before he even began to understand the whole conspiracy, let alone try to stop it.
He hoped the deaths got easier to witness after a few loops.
That, too, had been merely wishful thinking.
Ed is twelve when he takes the State Alchemist test for the three hundred and fifty secondth time. Or well, he's physically twelve. He's lost count of how many years have passed for him since he made the deal with Truth, and it became easier not to think about it after the twelfth loop or so, when he realized he was mentally older than most of the people he knew. He wonders sometimes if Hohenheim feels something like this too, or if being stuck in an ageless body while the world progresses is different.
Roy looks reluctantly impressed behind the horrified expression he's had since Ed pointed his spear at Fuhrer King Bradley, the homunculus Wrath. If Ed wasn't so busy refraining himself of actually spearing a hole through the Fuhrer's throat, Ed would be a bit smug about it. It's not often he gets to impress Roy, who rapidly begins to take everything Ed throws at him with the calm of someone who has long since resigned their capability to be surprised by things.
Since Ed is busy trying not to commit premeditated homicide - well, an attempted one, since the homunculus wouldn't actually die from that - he resolves to feel smug about it later. Attacking King Bradley now would only result in trouble. Ed would know, he actually tried it a couple of dozen loops ago or so, when he finally found out Bradley is Wrath.
That had been a wild loop. He died painfully and early that time, too, but at least Al outlived him that time around.
(Roy didn't. Not many did, after the Homunculi decided to stop hiding in the shadows. Ed spent a whole loop constantly drunk out of his ass, after that.)
Ed knows he aced the test, as usual. It gets easier every time, not that it was hard in the first place. Still, he feels something like smug satisfaction when Roy gives him his watch, even if he still doesn't like the military.
Maybe it's just got something to do with Roy's proud expression. His heart likes to betray him like that.
Ed goes back to Resembool to collect Al after that, and soon he's getting back into the swing of things. He's not sure what to think, really, that he's more comfortable working under Roy than he is living in Resembool. He's long since known that sedentary life isn't for him, but Ed still doesn't know when did it happen that that office at East City's headquarters became something like home.
At first, Roy sends him out on missions far away. It's his way of keeping his part of the deal, letting Ed and Al travel all around Amestris in search for a way to get their bodies back. But Ed doesn't need to look for the Philosophers' stone anymore, and he found all the information he could possibly need on the Homunculi and Father eighty loops or so ago. His deal with Truth has assured him Al will get his body back, and Ed… well, it's only fair that he pays the price for his sins.
Soon, Ed tells Roy this. Or well, not exactly. He's not about to explain anything about the time loop - he's already tried that, it didn't work. But he does tell the now Colonel that he can start using his abilities on assignments that are actually useful and let him reach his full potential rather than small errands meant to let him travel.
It's only a bit selfish, he thinks, that it means he gets to stay in East City more often.
Roy is skeptical at first, whether because he's not too keen on letting a pair of children so close to military headquarters so often - which Ed can't fault him for - or because he's not sure about Ed's change of heart. But this has happened before, since around the one hundred and tenth loop when he finally found out how the Philosophers' stone was really made. After that, Ed let go of that particular course of action pretty quickly.
In any case, it's not that hard to convince the Colonel to give him a more stable position under his command. Having a pair of alchemists as versatile as Ed and Al are is incredibly beneficial, and Roy knows that. He's a very capable alchemist in his own right, but his speciality is too precise to be of much use in some situations.
So, he gets a desk next to Havoc's, a pile of reports, and is put to work until the team is called on the field or Roy decides to give him an errand when he looks too bored. He's taught the different over complicated codes they use to communicate, and he pretends to struggle with it for the first couple of months so it doesn't show that he's known it for years now.
There's not much Ed can't do the first few years in the military, but at least this way he can keep an eye for what goes down in headquarters, something he couldn't do when he was running around Amestris.
The Homunculi are smart, and they are led by someone smarter. They don't make a lot of visible interventions until close to the Promised Day, and Ed's prodding around has only gotten him sightings as far as a little over a year before that. Before that mission to Liore, Ed doesn't think he'll hear of anything related to them.
He could go and bust Lab 5, stunt the production of Philosopher stones for a while, but that would completely blow his cover, and he doesn't want a repeat of loop two hundred and eighty five. Again, not a lot of survivors that time around.
And thus, he waits. He prods lightly, making little suggestions here and there, wording his reports as carefully as he can. Hopefully, this time it'll be useful. He's been tweaking and adjusting his course of action for the past ninety loops or so, and he thinks he's close, but he still hasn't gotten it right. If he's lucky, when Ed starts to mention his reports, Roy will understand and check them. If he's luckier, he'll connect the dots before shit hits the fan..
It would keep him alive for a while longer, at least.
It takes him fifty one loops to figure out how the Homunculi keep regenerating. A Philosophers' stone in lieu of a soul certainly makes a lot of sense, once Ed stops to think about it.
He just wishes he had found out before Lust made four different holes in Roy's torso for the seventh time in a row.
Al worries. Ed knows Al worries, it's obvious in the way he tries to ask him what he's working on, or how he sometimes talks to Hawkeye, Breda, Havoc, and Falman when Ed is reporting to Roy, thinking he won't know how he asks them to keep an eye on him.
The first time around, in his original timeline, Ed told Al everything. Now, most of what Al knows he has to pull like teeth. It's hard to explain his motives and actions when he can't tell him the reason behind them, after all. So in the end, it's better if he doesn't tell Al anything. He still talks about alchemy with him, and they do a lot of research and go out to explore when the mood strikes them, but Ed keeps quiet about what he's got written on his personal journals, coded in a way only he, who has lived more than three hundred times, could possibly understand.
The others worry too. Ed sees it in the way their eyes follow him across the room from time to time, how Havoc's brow twitches almost imperceptibly when he's concerned about something, or how Breda asks him if he's had lunch yet when Ed's too absorbed in his reports, or how Falman engages him in conversation about trivia when Ed's too inside his head, or how Hawkeye offers him and Al a ride back to the barracks when he looks a bit too tired.
Roy worries, and maybe that's the hardest part. Roy doesn't show his worry like the others do, he doesn't try to distract him with silly things or ask him questions like he's made of glass. Roy takes one look at him, notices he's having a bad day - or a bad night or a bad week or a bad life he always notices when he's down it hurts because he reaches out and Ed can't reach back - and makes it his mission to make sure whatever it is that's bothering him gets forgotten with jabs at his height and sly remarks about his temper.
Ed wishes he could tell him sometimes - oh how he wishes he could just come clean about it all and get it out of his chest - but he knows it's not wise.
(He tried it once, in the twentieth loop. Roy died in his arms that time around, shielding him from a rain of bullets he was too slow to block, because if you die, Fullmetal, then how are we supposed to change things?)
(Ed still sees the blood all over him, sometimes.)
No, Ed can't tell anyone. He can only work from the shadows, moving the pieces on the board in a game no one else knows they're playing, hoping, praying to a god he doesn't believe in, that this time it works out.
Last time, he almost got it. He's sure of it, Truth even hinted at it before sending him back. You've got all the pieces, Mister Al-che-mist. You just have to figure out how to use them.
Pieces. He's got Team Mustang on stand by. Hohenheim, the bastard, almost always makes it to the Promised Day, as well as Teacher, since they are sacrifices and are usually left to their own devices until they are needed. Dr. Marcoh and May Chang are always easy enough to get on board, and from there Scar it's easier to sway unless Ed's really fucked things up, by which point it's best if he gives up and tries again from scratch. Ling Yao is a bit of a wild card, but Ed knows he's looking for a Philosophers' stone, so if he plays his cards right…
But he's already tried that. He's tried for the last ten loops, and things still go to shit. So who is he missing? Which pieces does he always lose early in the game that would be key for their success?
Olivier Armstrong. She would be a great ally, if only because she and her army are formidable. Keeps to herself, and it's extremely hard to win over, though if you do, it's forever. During the loops where he's sent to Briggs, he gets to talk to her, but most of the time she's taken out by the top brass before they can get anywhere. There are some other soldiers that sometimes he loses way before the conspiracy is uncovered, but…
Hughes.
(Hughes, who opens his home to him and Al just because they needed it. Hughes, who's more of a father than Hohenheim. Hughes, who always dies because of Ed.)
Ed can't go out and tell everything he knows. Not only people would think him bonkers, but he knows he's being watched. As a confirmed sacrifice, and under the military, he's being constantly monitored, even if Ed can't see them. The shadows have eyes, and ears, and a presence so dark and cold that chills him to the bone. Pride may be bound to Central, but he makes sure to spare some of his energy to track him down, if only from where he's trapped inside the tunnels. And if not, Envy is always watching
But Hughes is smart. Too smart for his own good, really, and the only one that figures most of Ed's clues early enough that the Homunculi deem him too much of a threat.
Ed tried, during the first few loops, to save him. Hughes' death is something that always weighs him down, because he can say with certainty that it is completely his fault. He leads him to Lab 5, he makes him aware of the Homunculi, he gets him killed.
No matter what he did though, no matter how many different times he tried, Envy got him in the end. Or if not Gluttony, or Lust, or even Wrath.
In the end, he gave up. At least that way Ed wouldn't see more different ways in how he got killed.
But things are different now. He's almost there, Truth said it. He just has to make things fit, and maybe, maybe …
Ed has given up on hoping. Hope is for those who haven't seen the worst the world has to offer, who haven't seen and heard and been at a hell on earth. Ed has long since stopped hoping.
He hopes this time he's right.
(If only so he doesn't have to see Elysia cry because her Daddy isn't home, if only so he doesn't have to hear Gracia's sobs from the other side of the door, if only so Roy isn't so heartbroken when he finds out his best friend has been killed for knowing too much.)
On the hundredth loop, he gives in and sets to hunt down Hohenheim himself. Ed loathes to admit it, but his father is pretty useful when he's actually around, if only because he's got energy to spare and an insight on Fathers' powers that would be useful when planning the coup.
It takes a while - more like it takes a couple of loops to pinpoint where the bastard holed up after leaving - but eventually Ed tracks him down and sends a letter. Hohenheim appears faster than expected, considering, though maybe Ed's comment about the Philosophers' stone does the trick.
Like most of Ed's ideas, it ends in disaster. Apparently there's a reason he's been MIA the whole time. Father catches Hohenheim only days after he arrives at East City. He rips the stone right from inside Hohenheim's chest, just as Ed bursts into that horrid room deep underneath Central.
His last words to Ed are I'm sorry.
"Why do you need someone in Intelligence?" Roy frowns, confused when Ed asks his question.
"I just need to check some stuff about the case you gave me last week," he shrugs, trying to appear unconcerned. "There's something that doesn't click with me, I wanna know if it's going to fuck us over or if it's just another case of the military being useless as always."
Roy stares at him for a moment - Ed's sprawled on the chair, his expression is carefully neutral, his muscles loose in a practiced way meant to draw little attention. Ed stares back, aiming for the most unimpressed look he can muster, if only so he can hide the fact that he's so irredeemably in love with this man, fuck, there's no way he can see it, can't he?
Ed sure as hell hopes not. He's so not ready for that conversation.
In the end, Roy must find what he's looking for - or a lack of it, really - because he stops frowning, and his face adopts a more thoughtful expression.
"I know someone," he says in the end, eyeing him one more time. "He's the commanding officer of the Intelligence branch, so he's stationed in Central. If you're willing to make the trip, I can give him a call."
"That'd be great, actually," Ed lets out a small smile in gratitude. "You know? For a bastard, you're really alright sometimes, Mustang."
Roy smiles genially. Ed punches down the urge to kiss it right off of him.
Fucking feelings.
"I'll let him know to expect you. I've been meaning to go to Central for a while now, so we might as well make the trip now," he says casually, eyes traveling back to the files on his desk before grimacing, most likely looking at the words in the paper and remembering he's supposed to work on them. He also misses the look of complete panic that overcomes him for a moment. "Does next week sound good for you, Fullmetal?"
Fullmetal. Not Ed, never Ed, not after the last time, not after—
No , he thinks viciously. Ed will not think about it. He will not, because if he does, then he'll remember the feelings, he'll remember the heartbreak, he'll remember the visceral urge he had to tear the world apart with his bare hands. And he can't have that. Not now, not ever.
(A wisp of something - a memory, a nightmare - flashes behind his eyes. A leveled ground with bits and pieces and red, red everywhere, why is there so much of it—)
(Ed pushes it down, locks it back up to the corners of his mind where it doesn't hurt so much.)
"Sure, that's— great," Ed manages to sound both unconcerned and half-apathetic. He stands up, barely managing to keep himself from shaking. He hides his hands in his pockets. "That's all I had to ask you. Tell me what day you plan to go."
Ed practically runs out the door. He can't see him right now, can't hear his voice, can't smell the wisp of that cologne he loves to use, because with it comes the smell of grime, the metallic taste on his mouth, his hands tainted red, his cheeks stained with tears as he begs for something, anything—
Is love supposed to hurt so much?
(Probably not, but when has anything not been hurtful for him?)
Ed figures out the fluttery feeling he gets when he looks at Roy is love during the sixty seventh loop. His reactions to that discovery are to freak out, try to deny it, have a panic attack when that fails, and finally resolve to never act on it, in that order specifically.
That lasts for about seven hours, after which he finds himself pressed against Roy's chest, desperately making out with the man after a half-panicked confession only hours before the Promised Day, foolishly thinking this time he would make it, and that he didn't want to risk not being able to say if after.
Roy dies not even twenty four hours later, cut to ribbons by Pride's shadows. Ed follows soon after.
(If he's a bit too glad for it, then only he has to know.)
The thing about being stuck in a time loop is that eventually, time blurs. A day turns into two, that then turns into a week and then a month, and suddenly, it's been three years. The Promised Day is less than a year away, and all his planning and prodding are finally starting to pay off. Things are getting in motion, and now it's only a matter of making sure they play out the right way.
Easier said than done, of course.
It starts with the trip to Liore. While Ed and Al aren't actively looking for a stone this time around, rumors of a man who can perform incredible feats without paying a toll are cause for concern. Roy sends them with orders to observe, gather whatever intel they can, and if it turns out to be dangerous or illegal activity, to put an end to it.
Pretty easy, all things considered.
It's a bother, having to deal with stone users. They bypass all laws of Equivalent Exchange, and if they are competent alchemists the results can be catastrophic (read: fucking Kimblee).
It's good then, that Ed's been dealing with them for a few hundred years already. Cornello was a light fight the first time around. Now, more than three hundred loops later, it's laughably easy to defeat him. Ed honestly wouldn't have bothered to come at all if it weren't for the Homunculi, Roy's orders be damned.
But there are the Homunculi to consider. Around the two hundredth loop, Ed found a timeline that allowed him to encounter Lust and Gluttony for the first time in Liore. Nothing too big, not enough attention on himself that the Homunculi can suspect he knows something he shouldn't. But enough to warrant suspicion. He can take that information to Roy, can have him work on it with his team and Hughes. If Ed introduces information and provides concepts with the right timing, then he should be able to prevent things from turning ugly so fast.
Not that it's worked all that well before, but it's not like he has a better plan. He's a doer, a researcher. He provides answers and solutions to questions no one else can answer. He's not meant to sit behind a desk and call the shots.
(That's always been Roy's job, after all.)
Not for the first time, Ed wonders if Truth made a mistake when it made that deal with him.
It probably did.
In any case, it's easy to add some things to his report. How he saw a pair of weird people. How they looked suspicious and were watching from the shadows. How they both had an ouroboros tattoo, and to keep an eye for people with it.
It's not nearly as direct as he would want it, but Ed has learned he can't be obvious on his reports. Wrath keeps an eye on every document that goes through him, so any kind of suspicion would have him and his supposed accomplices killed or thoroughly threatened before he could blink.
Is at times like this that Ed really despises the military. The place in general is kind of shitty, but ignoring the top brass the people are mostly alright. Then he remembers that said top brass is shamelessly using the whole organization and the country for their own gain, that they genuinely don't care for the people, and the tentative tolerance goes right back to disgust.
How could anyone disregard human life like that, Ed will probably never know.
Either way, Ed makes his reports, adding a bunch of interesting - or as Roy would say, useless - information for good measure, and leaves it on top of Roy's desk once he and Al have returned to East City. Roy eyes it with tired but fond eyes. He's aware that most of what Ed has written in there is complete bullshit on a good day, but he also knows Ed likes to leave him little crumbs of information if he deems it necessary and can't say it out loud.
Least to say, there are a lot of crumbs in those reports. The information you can pass with codes about the weather and fictional mutual acquaintances are quite vast, but when one is known to, one, hate small talk, and two, have a grand total of one friend plus a team one works with, it gets a bit more suspicious if one suddenly starts asking about that second cousin that had her wedding recently.
Besides, the code is completely bonkers. It took Ed a few good months to learn it all when he was first introduced to it at loop two hundred and seven, and he's a certified genius. How the whole team can handle a full coherent conversation while passing information is something that still baffles Ed, even if he's seen them do it for countless loops by now.
"Are you staying here for now Fullmetal? Or are you going to Central?" Roy asks him as he glances back down to his pile of papers. Ed has half a mind to pity the man, but he's sure most of those papers have been sitting on his desk for days now.
"Hmm, I think we'll stay here for a couple of weeks before going to Central to check something I saw back in Liore," Ed decides, giving Roy a pointed look as he says it, then looking at his report. Roy understands immediately, acknowledging Ed's warning with a small nod, but otherwise doesn't comment. "Why? You need me for something?"
"Nothing to worry about, I assure you. It just so happens that I have come into possession of quite a few texts I think you may find interest in, is all. If you have time, and if you want to of course, you could come over some time and take a look at them. I'm sure you'll enjoy them quite as much as I've been doing."
And well. Who is Ed to deny an offer like that?
It's not the first time Roy invites him to his house. Sometimes it's because Roy has a new book he thinks Ed will find interesting, but more often than not it's just to talk. Despite trying to keep his distance - it's better if he doesn't get too close, it hurts a bit less if he keeps him at arm's length - Ed finds himself charmed by his commanding officer nearly every time. He doesn't know if it's the charisma, or the melancholic look in his eyes, or the spark of mirth that lights up when they banter that Ed wants to keep around forever, but somehow he's always pulled closer, until he's all but burning in the inferno that Roy surrounds himself with.
Roy, bless him, is oblivious of Ed's feelings for him. It helps that Ed actively works to hide them from him, but it's really a surprise that the man hasn't said anything.
By now, Ed has stopped fighting with him for every little thing. He's got much more important things to do than petty fights, and their banter is both much healthier and enjoyable. He's also pretty sure everyone in the office except maybe Al and Fury know Ed has a major crush on the Colonel, but somehow, Roy still hasn't caught on.
Small mercies, he thinks.
The evening spent at Roy's house is lit with laughter and witty remarks as they both argue back and forth about the theory depicted in the book. It's certainly interesting, and Ed enjoys being able to bounce ideas with someone whose mind is almost as sharp as his own. It reminds him of times before this one, both in this loop and in others, where they would do the same, on and on for hours until the sky had long since gone dark and they had both migrated from the living room to the library so they could cross reference other books, sitting on the floor with scattered pages surrounding them as they drew arrays and diagrams and took notes.
It makes Ed's heart ache, as he leaves after declining Roy's offer to stay the night so he doesn't have to walk all the way to the barracks at this time of night. It makes him think of possibilities, of chances and things he can't have.
What if, what if, what if, what if…
(Ed knows a lot about what ifs. Mostly that they end in tragedy.)
When he first started this whole time loop business, Ed had only one priority. He was doing this for Al, so he could get his body back and could finally live the life he has been robbed of because of Ed's own stupidity and ego.
He still doesn't know when it happened, but suddenly, Ed finds that now he has a lot more to protect, much more to lose. Ed has always been willing to burn the world to the ground for Al, knows he'll do whatever it takes to keep him safe, but now he's not the only one Ed would die, would kill for.
It only hurts more when he fails, once he realizes.
Ed hears it from some soldiers first. He's on his way to the office, has a few papers Roy asked him to pick up from General Grumman's office, and is making his way back so he can finish up some things and go get lunch with Al.
"Did you hear about the Sewing-Life Alchemist? Shou Tucker? Well, it turns out he used his daughter and his dog to make another talking chimera, and that the one that got him his State Alchemist title was his wife," one of the soldiers whispers, face contorted with morbid fascination and horror.
Ed's stomach sinks as he picks up the pace to leave the pair behind.
It's been quite a few loops since he's actually seen Nina Tucker, but her face is seared into his mind like a brand made with hot iron, as is the horrible fate that befell on her.
One of the first things Ed learned once he started time looping was that not everyone can be saved. That even if they could the consequences would be too big.
(He remembers saving Nina. He remembers how he felt so victorious, how the guilt eased a bit because he was fixing things.)
(The happiness and triumph lasted for about two weeks, when an accident caused an explosion that wiped out forty percent of Central City. Among the casualties were Hawkeye, Havoc, Nina, Ms. Hughes, Mayor Armstrong, and Roy.
The only survivor within the radius of the explosion was Shou Tucker, who was supposed to be executed that very same day.)
It hurts like nothing short of seeing Al's soul bound dissolve that very first time. Knowing he could save someone, so many people, but that he can't. That he has to prioritize who he can bear to lose more, who he can spare. It feels too much like playing god, and it chills him until he like his heart is made of ice.
Ed makes an executive decision and goes to a bar once he finishes his work for the day.
He's the last one at the office, except for Roy and Hawkeye, who's watching the Colonel to make sure he's doing his job. Ed swears, that woman is more efficient than anyone he has ever met, making time for both her own work and babysitting Roy.
Truly a spectacular woman.
Ed waves them goodbye as he leaves, not sparing an ounce of pity for Roy as he sends him a pleading look that can only mean 'get me out of here, please!'. Bastard did it to himself, he can get out of it on his own by, oh, maybe doing his job!
He goes straight for Madame Christmas' bar. Not only do they serve good alcohol, they are the biggest information network in Amestris, and they don't care if he's technically a minor. Technically, because he's been of age since he became a State Alchemist. The Madame still waited until he turned fourteen before serving him anything stronger than a soda, but that is still two years before most bars would have, so Ed loves her just on that principle. Also, she's very fun to talk to once she warms up to you.
She's also Roy's aunt and foster mother, though Ed is pretty sure Chris doesn't know he's aware of that last bit.
Ed doesn't really care about it. He knows the Madame won't tell on him with Roy, and the only reason he even knows it's because Roy mentioned it loops ago. It's not something he should know - he hasn't been trusted with the knowledge this time around - so he won't use it unless he's really out of options.
It's not hard. He can still use the Madame's services for intelligence without being associated with Roy, and that Chris does know who he is and his relationship with her nephew works in his favor regardless of if he knows or not. So when he's in need of some information that hasn't been filtered by at least five different people, the Madame's net of information is always his first pick.
The bar is also good for nights like this one.
Ed arrives at Madame Christmas' bar when things are already in full swing. Most people leave work earlier than he's done today, so it's not surprising to see the establishment packed. It's good that most people come here for the entertainment rather than the alcohol, since the bar isn't too crowded. Madame Christmas herself is making the drinks, occasionally conversing with a patron if the conversation is interesting.
Ed's always good at interesting conversations.
He sits down on one of the stools and flags the woman down. The Madame doesn't bat an eye when she sees him, only nods and starts preparing him something fruity and strong enough to make him forget for a while, just like he likes it.
A few minutes later, he's sipping something with strawberry in it, and so much vodka it almost doesn't taste like anything else. It's perfect.
"I heard you caused quite a stir a few days ago," the Madame starts casually. Ed doesn't fall for it for a second. Her eyes are sharp, and her mind works as fast as her nephew's. Roy had to learn from someone, after all.
"Just checking out some things, knocking around some heads. I did those people a favor, really, and if they get their heads out of their asses, they shouldn't have an issue getting their shit back together," Ed shrugs, like he doesn't know there will be riots, that the city will go up in flames before resurging from the ashes that are left, all because of the plans of some megalomaniac humanoid.
"So it seems. That's not what you're trying to forget then?" the Madame strikes without shame nor warning.
"No," Ed shakes his head, then downs what's left of his drink in one go. "No, it's got nothing to do with that," Madame Christmas waits for him, quiet as she lets him think his words. "You heard about the Sewing-Life Alchemist?"
He doesn't need to say anything after that. Chris hums in understanding, and her eyes go just a little bit softer as she hands him another drink.
She doesn't know. She could never know that it's not the action in itself that hurts him the most (though it does hurt, it hurts so much ) but what he didn't do. She doesn't know that it's guilt that makes him feel like his soul is being torned apart.
But she understands the pain of seeing horrible things happen around oneself, and for now, that's enough.
It has to be.
After at least another five drinks, when Ed is positively buzzed and the guilt has eased just a bit, Madame Christmas approaches him again. She had left him alone to wallow for a while, obviously noticing his mood and deciding not to bug him for once. Apparently, she's done taking pity on him.
"I heard there's this man killing State Alchemists. People say he's moved on from Central and coming here," Ed's not sure why she's telling him this. Sure, he's used her spy network for years, but never for free. And Chris Mustang didn't prosper in this business by giving away her information. "You make sure you take good care of yourself, understand? I don't want to hear about you pulling stunts with this man," she says sternly, but the light concern in her features is obvious.
Warmth floods him at her words. He manages a smile, and nods.
"Yeah, alright. I'll keep him outta trouble too," he says without meaning to, letting the words slip before his muddled mind can filter them. There's a minuscule change in her expression, obviously noticing the slip of tongue and knowing exactly who he's talking about, but she lets it go. Either she knows Ed won't use the information against Roy, or trusts that he won't have a reason too, because she just serves him another drink before turning to tend her bar.
As a rule, Ed isn't nice. It's not in his blood to be nice, or act nice, for anyone. Children get some leeway, since they remind him of little Al who had nothing else but his big brother, who was trying to keep everything together and did his best at raising him while being a child himself. Even then, he doesn't coddle them. He doesn't patronize them, because he's always hated it when adults patronized him.
Ed isn't nice. He's rude, he swears even when he shouldn't, he's stubborn as all hell, obstinate to the point of unhealthyness, easy to anger and easier to react with violence. His mind is always running too fast for the rest of the world, too busy running calculations and scenarios to bother with things like social niceties or polite conversation.
Even then, there are people that like him, for some reason. People who stand for and with him, people who have put their trust in him because they believe that Ed, with his foul language, his bad attitude, and unapproachable demeanor, will bring change.
(Ed's always been good at disappointing people.)
"You are the single most infuriating person I've ever met!" Roy says as he pinches the bridge of his nose. Ed feels something like guilt grow in the pit of his stomach. "Didn't I tell you to stay off the streets while we looked for Scar? I distinctly remember telling you that," he says rhetorically, looking at Ed with an intensity that almost makes him flinch, not necessarily because of fear. "So why, pray tell, did you decide to go and do exactly the opposite?!"
Alright. So maybe Roy is a little madder than Ed expected him to be when he went to look for Scar.
"Could you stop yelling for a damned moment? They gave me the good stuff but my head is fucking killing me," Ed complains as he rubs his fingertips against his temple. Roy looks at him for a moment with incredulity, then takes a deep breath as if looking for patience. "And I had things under control—"
"Oh, do you want me to tell that to Alphonse? That his big brother was seconds from having his face deconstructed, but it's fine because he had things under control!"
"For fucks sake Roy, shut up for a damned minute and let me talk!" Ed sighs exasperated. Roy does, in fact, shut up, looking at him in a way Ed doesn't understand. Then, he leans back against the chair. "I— shit I'm not sorry. Alright? I can't say I'm sorry for fighting Scar because I'm not. And before you get mad at me," he says when Roy opens his mouth again, most probably to yell at him some more. "I am sorry that I scared you guys. I should have been more careful, and I wasn't. But I was fine, okay? So you can stop freaking out about it already."
"Fullmetal…" Roy looks at him for a minute, searching for something. Those black orbs have always been inquisitive, drawing every last bit of knowledge Ed lets slip until he's but bare in front of him. It's a wonder Ed's been able to keep his secrets for so many loops, when Roy's eyes burn a hole in his soul. "I'm just glad you're alright. But please, please don't do something so reckless again."
Roy Mustang doesn't beg. He sees it as a weakness, and in the circles he moves in, it is. So he doesn't do it. Roy Mustang doesn't beg.
It hurts Ed to see him doing it now, because of Ed's own recklessness.
So maybe he was a bit careless when fighting Scar. Maybe it's hard to regard the man as his enemy when he's helped him during the Promised Day so many times. Maybe he had slipped up, and had almost had his face deconstructed as a result.
It doesn't change anything. Not really.
"You know I can't promise that," Ed murmurs, sad but unapologetic. Roy doesn't say anything for a bit. Then, he sighs before standing up.
"I'll tell Alphonse to come up," he says in lieu of a goodbye. Ed watches him leave, a bitter taste in his mouth.
(It's only after Roy has left the hospital that Ed realizes he called the man by his first name to his face.)
(He's not sure if the nausea he feels is because of his concussion or because of the memories of better times when he could actually call him that.)
No matter how many loops he's gone through, there are certain things Ed cannot change.
One of them, the one that hurts the most - the reason he's doing this, the cusp of his mistakes and regrets - is having to seal Alphonse's soul in that damned suit of armor.
It keeps him alive while Ed runs around trying to fix things, sure, but it hurts him. It chips away a part of him every day as his soul fights to go back to his real body, the one waiting on the other side of the Gate for Ed to finally get his shit together and make things right.
Al doesn't know, of course. If he lives long enough to feel the effects full force, sometimes he figures it out. Ed doesn't say anything, even when he sees how his brother reacts to the energy Philosophers' stones give off, how they pull at his own soul when they feel its connection to the vessel is weak. Every time he's near when one is being used, it leaves him off for hours.
Ed usually leaves him alone when it happens. It's easier to pretend obliviousness if he can't see his little brother pacing the room, if he can't see him checking books that don't have the answers he needs while he tugs helplessly at his chest plate, as if trying to touch skin instead of the empty space it hides.
Is he a bad brother? Probably, but then again, he already knew that.
The fight with Scar leads to a very hectic couple of months. Ed's prepared for it, has prepared for it multiple times, but the differences leave him grabbing at straws as he tries to keep everything together. The bodyguards are a surprise - it's the first time he has gotten any after his fight with Scar - as is the sudden coddling - they do know he's seen some pretty awful shit, right? - but things become especially hard when more people start getting the hint that something's off.
Because different people have different agendas, and while Ed knows most of them - has shaped them to some extent - there's not much he can do to control them, when it comes down to it. Some try to keep him out of the loop - ha - because of his age, and others straight up don't trust him to do a good enough job. It's irritating, but Ed has to work with what he has.
And set to work he does. It's an entire ordeal, but when you've lived with the same people more than three hundred times, it's marginally easier to predict their reactions.
At the end of the day, though, Ed has to leave things to work out themselves. He gives as many hints as he possibly can, and stirs his allies in the least dangerous directions, but Ed is no god. At some point, things stop being up to him.
(That, like most of his lessons, Ed learnt the hard way.)
Ed has given up on hoping. Hope is for those who haven't seen the worst the world has to offer, who haven't seen and heard and been at a hell on earth. Ed has long since stopped hoping.
When Maes Hughes - Maes that laughs, that cries, that feels so much, that dies too soon - survives past the Homunculi for the first time in the three hundred and fifty two loops Ed has lived through…
Well, maybe there is something left to hope for.
The hospital room is crowded. Roy is, of course, glued to Hughes' side. Ed is sitting near the other side of the bed, where Gracia and Elysia were at until a few minutes ago. Hawkeye is there as well, keeping watch near the door. Alphonse is near the wall, since his armor takes a lot of space.
Ed's still not sure how he pulled it off. Ed wasn't supposed to even be in Central, having been on his way to Dublith when realization struck.
He had straight up jumped off the train, and ran all the way back to the train station they had just passed, buying tickets to Central while Al and Winry tried to ask him what was going on.
Ed didn't answer until they were seated on the train back to the city, and even then he was cryptic even to his standards. They only figured out what was going on when they were already back in Central, and Ed was kneeling next to Hughes as he bled out, urging them to call the hospital so they would be expecting them.
"E-Ed?" Hughes said, brows furrowed in confusion. "What…? What are you doing here?" he had passed out before Ed could say anything, but he made sure Hughes got to the hospital with a pulse.
The aftermath of that whole clusterfuck results in a room full of people who expect him to explain how he knew this would happen, and probably a bunch of immortal beings that now know he knows they're up to something.
That's fine, he tells himself. He got back in time to save Hughes - he didn't bleed out alone inside a phone booth, Elysia won't cry out for her Daddy, Gracia won't have to raise her daughter on her own, Roy still has his best friend. That's all that matters.
"How did you know, Ed?" Ed's eyes focus back on Hughes. He's sitting on the bed, careful of his torso, which is covered in bandages. Behind his glasses, his eyes are serious, contemplating. He's assessing Ed, trying to figure out if he's a threat or not.
This is Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes who's talking to him, not Hughes who offers his house to Al and Ed when they're in Central and offers to celebrate his birthday with Elysia's.
It hurts more than Ed wants to admit.
"You're too smart for your own good," he murmurs, low enough that only he and Roy, the closest ones to Ed, can hear him. "I didn't know, actually," he says, louder this time. The lie passes his lips as easy as breathing. "I was on the train to Dublith when I got this… I don't know, this feeling I had to get back. I don't know how to explain it."
He doesn't say 'they're watching us'. He doesn't say 'the shadows have eyes, the walls have ears'. He doesn't say 'they knew you had figured things out before you did'. Instead, he slips a piece of paper to Hughes, who takes it with a confused frown. His brows furrow when he reads its contents, eyes flicking to look back at Ed.
"Really?" he asks, voice deceptively light. Ed nods. "Well then, I guess I have to thank you then. You saved my life, Ed."
Ed shakes his head, gazing down so he doesn't have to look Hughes in the eye, so he doesn't spill that this is the first time he's actually managed to save him, that it will never repay all his failures.
"Just… be careful," he's sure he hears an indignant scoff, probably from Roy. "These people… there's something weird going on."
Ed and Al leave soon after, stopping to hug Gracia and Elysia on their way out. The last thing he hears is Hughes asking Roy in low tones to burn the paper.
(You're right. Don't spread it. There's something wrong about Bradley. Don't look into it. Beware of the shadows. BE CAREFUL.)
In the whole three hundred and fifty two loops he's been through, Ed has trusted his secret to one person.
It happens on one of his earliest loops, and it's mostly an accident. Ed isn't so good at lying back then, not like he's now. It only takes one little slip, and then Roy Mustang is prodding and squishing until Ed breaks down and tells him.
He thinks it may be good, all in all. Things haven't been working out the way he's doing them, and Roy is a great ally in any circumstance. If anyone can plan for a way to succeed with all the odds against them, it's Roy.
After the loop has started once again, and he's on that wheelchair in the Rockbells' house, he still sees the blood, feels it hot and sticky and wet on his skin, smells it metallic like a bad omen. He's still holding Roy's bleeding body, staring in horror as his blue uniform gets painted red from all the bullets they put in him. The bullets Roy shielded Ed from.
"Why?" Ed had asked, a broken whisper amidst the deadly silence heard after a bullet pierces the air. Roy had offered him a bloodied smile. Ed's heart broke in a million more pieces.
"Why? If you die, Fullmetal," Fullmetal, always Fullmetal, always the dog, never Ed— "then how are we supposed to change things?"
The thing about trusting people with this secret, is that they expect too much from Ed, make too many sacrifices for him.
Ed just doesn't want them to realize how much of a fuckup he really is.
Their trip to Dublith, once they leave Winry in Rush Valley, is uneventful. Ed is grateful for that, because the notion of seeing his teacher again is enough to send him into a half baked panic attack, let alone Al who doesn't know how Teacher will react.
Izumi Curtis is a force to be reckoned with, someone Ed still respects and healthily fears even after all this time. Despite knowing how she'll react at figuring out they performed human transmutation, the mere thought of disappointing her makes him uncomfortable. She's one of the only people who can still make him feel like a child.
Still, this visit is well overdue. Al and Ed have been postponing it for years now, all in an attempt to hide their sins from her, but it's inevitable. Now that they're officially looking for information on the stones, they have to start asking around, and while Ed knows all there is to know, Al and everyone else don't know that, so the next logical step is to ask Teacher.
Even if she terrifies them.
In true fashion, the first thing she does when she sees them is kick their asses. Then, she invites them in. It's only a matter of hours before she's tricking his reflexes, and Ed instinctively uses alchemy without drawing a circle.
Teacher rages. She cries. She hugs them, tells them they don't always have to be strong. Izumi Curtis is the closest thing Ed has ever had to a mother after his own mom's death, and he leans in the embrace.
(It sometimes forms a knot in his throat when he realizes it's Izumi's face he pictures when he thinks of his mom, and that Trisha Elric is nothing more than a pair of green eyes and hazel hair in his head now, after all this time.)
Finally, she asks the question.
"Did you see it, then?" when Ed keeps quiet, Teacher presses the issue. "That… thing?"
("Who am I?" the being says with that creepy smile in a face with no features. "One name you might have for me is The World, or you may call me The Universe, or perhaps God, or perhaps Truth. I am all and I am one, so of course this also means that I am you."
"Equivalent exchange, is it not, Mister Al-che-mist?" the being laughs as the boy screams at the loss of his leg, waves him goodbye as the shadow hands drag him inside the Gate.)
"Truth. Yeah, I saw it."
"Truth?"
"That's what I call it. I don't believe in God, I believe in finding the truth of all things. That bastard is the closest thing to both of them," Ed explains, trying not to wince when Teacher's brows furrow.
"You seem to know a lot about it," she says casually, suspiciously. She knows there's something he's not saying. And of course there is, it's not like he can confess to having conversations with a god-like being semi-regularly because he made a deal with it a bazillion years ago and is now somewhat like his therapist and bounce board all in one.
Truth, his life is a mess.
"Yeah, well. It's kinda hard to forget something like that," Ed murmurs, hoping it'll satisfy Teacher enough to let it go. "Al doesn't remember it, by the way. That's why he still has to draw his circles," Ed looks at his brother, talking animatedly with Sig while he helps prep dinner, and he lowers his voice. "If you can… don't bring it up with him."
"Why?" she's definitely suspicious this time, not that Ed blames her.
"It's… there's something going on in the military. I don't want them to know Al could do what I can," it's purely selfish, because if it's not Al, it'll be someone other poor bastard that ends up a sacrifice, but Ed doesn't have it in his heart to care.
He's here to save Al. The rest of the world is just a happy coincidence.
A few days later, they are getting on a train back to Central, planning to only stop in Rush Valley so Winry can fix his arm. The fight with Greed was, as it usually is, entertaining. It's nice to fight someone who presents a challenge, and since Ed doesn't want to actually murder him this time - he is the only homunculous that's vaguely decent - they don't part in too bad terms.
Or well, Ed thinks they don't. Greed is always a bit of a wild card, if he's being honest.
The only downside to all that debacle is that Al was alone with Wrath, which is never a good thing. On principle, Ed tries to keep Bradley away from anyone Ed is close to, but the circumstances of this meeting make him anxious.
There's no way Wrath doesn't know Al's got no body inside the armor. He's a potential sacrifice, the Homunculi are just waiting to see if he can use alchemy without using circles. But that he actually went to fight off Greed when they were coincidently there…
Well, Ed already knew Pride is always watching him.
"Brother?" Al's metallic voice brings him back to the world around him. He hums in question, tilting his head so he can see his brother. "Do you remember that gate you talked about a while ago?"
Ed feels his blood go cold. No, there's no way, he can't have…
"Al," he says in low tones, sending him a warning glance as he looks around. "How about we go see Mustang when we get there? I heard rumors of him transferring to Central, so maybe we'll catch him."
Not now. Wait until we're in a secure location, then talk to me.
"… alright, Brother. You're right, he would like to know what happened," Al doesn't bring up the subject again, and Ed allows himself to breathe again.
It's a simple code, really. Nowhere near close to the one they use in their alchemy journals, but mundane enough to deliver the message. Roy is their code for secure location, for more reasons Ed has ever told his little brother, and he knows Al will abide by it. For now, anyways, since it's been a while since any Al has listened to him without question.
Every loop brings more planning, more secrets, more things he hides from his brother than Ed would never have done during his first loop. Al has no way of knowing this, of course, since he's only known this Ed and could very well think it's a product of going through the Gate, but it doesn't mean Al doesn't notice the difference between how Ed was before and after the start of the loop.
He's simply too different.
(An impostor, Al sometimes calls him. It's in those loops when things go too bad too quickly, when Ed ends up doing many unspeakable things to try and salvage what he can. His brother always ends up full of distrust in those, asking him what he has done with his big brother, demanding he brings it back.)
(It hurts, but Ed is selfish. If the price for Al's body is losing his little brother's trust and company, then Ed will pay it, no matter what Alphonse wants.)
As it turns out, it takes a bit longer than expected to get to Central. How Ed could have possibly forgotten Ling is beyond him, but the obnoxious prince makes up for it by being his irritating, loud self. Honestly, if Ed didn't know how important he is for the Promised Day…
He'll digress.
The idiotic prince and his entourage end up accompanying them to Central, alongside Winry, who wants to see how Hughes is doing.
By now though, Ed just wants to get to his bed and pass out. If he can sleep until after the Promised Day, even better.
Ling Yao isn't always there when the Promised Day comes. He travels to Amestris in search of the Philosophers' stone, or any way to gain immortality, so his help is subjected to that. Ling has a duty to his people, and whatever friendship he makes in Amestris will always have to come in second to that, even if he personally may feel otherwise.
Despite this, Ed has come to regard him as a friend. Obnoxious and weird as he may be, Ling is genuine in his help, and even when he sometimes leaves before the Promised Day, he's an ally Ed knows he can rely on.
Ed has seen Ling die in numerous ways, each more gruesome than the other. Most of those times, it was done in an effort to protect him.
He's still waiting for the time when he'll get to see him rise to the Emperor's throne.
(Ling has always been a good liar, and his heart has always been a bit too big.)
When Ed finally arrives at Central, everything seems to be in a state of chaos.
Or well, not really. It's just that almost anyone Ed maintains a relationship with seems to be in Central, and they are all working all around the city.
He's only been gone for like a week. How did this happen?
Ed sets to work. He leaves Ling to his own devices, since he really doesn't have the time nor the energy to deal with him, and delivers Winry to the Hughes doorstep, where the whole family should be at if Hughes has abided by his bed rest time. Then, he and Al go to Central Command to see if they can catch sight of Roy.
Before finding the man, they are stopped by no less than five people (why the sudden popularity?), and when asked about the Colonel's whereabouts, only Major Armstrong is able to give them an answer.
"Just what the hell is he doing at the records' room?" Ed wonders once they have finally parted with Armstrong.
"I don't know Brother. Maybe it's got something to do with his relocation to Central?" Ed hums noncommittally, but he honestly doubts it.
They find Roy in the middle of scattered papers, looking seconds from dropping dead where he's sitting. Sheska had pointed them to the room with a guilty expression, but seeing his commanding officer in such a deplorable state makes even Ed feel pity.
"Fucking hell, what's got you like this, bastard?" Ed asks as he sidesteps papers to get to Roy, who only just seems to be registering their presence.
"Oh, hello Fullmetal, Alphonse," his little brother chirps a response from the door. "I'm doing some research, since Maes is still at home."
Sheesh, he's really out of it, then. He didn't even say anything snarky. How much sleep has he had since Ed and Al left?
"Research? What for?" Ed grabs one of the papers before Roy can say anything, quickly scanning its contents. His lips form a thin line as he reads. "I thought I told you guys to stay the fuck away from this."
"And why is that, exactly?" exhausted as they look, Roy's eyes meet his, and suddenly it is like he's looking at a burning inferno. Ed has to blink away so as to not be swallowed by it.
Ed doesn't answer (don't they understand the meaning of the shadows have ears?). Instead, he gathers up all the papers and books Roy has been looking at, putting them where he thinks they belong, before hauling the Colonel off the ground and dragging him out of the room. He lets him, seemingly bemused by Ed's behavior, and with Al in tow, the three leave Central Command without so much as a glance back.
"You know, Lieutenant Hawkeye will have your head when she finds you forced me to leave work," Roy says lightly. Ed huffs.
"She wouldn't. If anything, she would shoot you for letting me," Roy shoots him a look, but eventually agrees. "And stop being so obvious. I thought you of all people would understand there are times and places for everything."
"Oh you mean my advances?" Roy catches quickly, exhaustion leaving his eyes as a distinctive sharpness takes its place. "Did Florence not like the flowers I sent her?" Florence, code name for Fuhrer. Is my investigation that obvious?
"I think she would have liked it more if they had been delivered at her doorstep instead of her office, don't you think? She was quite embarrassed that her coworkers saw them," keep it out of headquarters. Be discreet with who you tell. "And maybe drop the opera next time. It's too fancy," check for bugs. They are onto you.
"Perhaps you're right," Roy hummed in consideration. "I'm going to visit the Hughes, since we're already out of Central Command. Want a ride?" I'll tell Maes. Is his house secure?
"Sure, I wouldn't mind seeing him. Al?" yes, but check for bugs first.
"I don't mind! Winry was already there, so then we can go get a hotel while they assign us a new dorm here," his brother knows there was a secondary conversation going on, but he's not yet as well versed in the code as Ed and Roy are, so he'll resort to asking Ed what was going on later.
"Oh, yeah. When were you going to tell us we were being reassigned, huh? I had to find out we were moving from some fucking rumors! Were you going to wait until I arrived at Eastern Command and find out you were all gone?" Roy doesn't even have the audacity to look guilty, which means the man totally meant for that to happen, the bastard.
The next three hours of his life consist of one surprise after the other, once half of Mustang Team joins them in the Hughes' living room. Ed can only be thankful that Elysia is at school right now, and that Gracia and Winry are strong enough to withstand all the information they're about to hear.
Who would have thought saving Hughes would solve so many things? Sure, Ed was hoping for it, but he hadn't honestly believed it would work out so well. Usually, the Butterfly Effect ends up biting him in the ass when he goes and manages to change an important turning point.
Alright, so Barry the Chopper is with Falman in a safe house - which has Ed thinking of all the ways that specific pairing can go wrong, who thought it wise to put Falman with the serial killer? - and Roy is being intentionally obvious to draw attention from the people that tried to kill Hughes, so they can set them a trap.
It's a good plan… if they knew what they were getting into.
The Homunculi are no joke, even for Ed, who's had the (dis)pleasure of fighting all of them at least a dozen times each by now. They are simply too powerful, and they regenerate too quickly. Unless they pull out the big guns, things won't work out.
(He would know, he's seen this play out before. The timing may be different, and the group of people may have changed, but it always ends the same.)
(Ed's tired of seeing his friends die.)
So Ed warns them to the best of his ability. With Al's help, they describe Greed's regenerative powers and describe the ouroboros tattoo in his hand, warning them from anyone else who may have it.
"If you see one, run the other way. If for some reason you can't do that, find a way to run away. The only people in this room who I think could actually put up a fight against one of those things are Mustang, Al, and myself. Nothing against you guys," he motions to Hawkeye and Havoc, who arrived with news about Barry and Falman and found this weird gathering taking place. "That's just how strong they are. The one we found in Dublith wasn't even trying to kill me, I think, and it was still a tough fight. So be careful," thankfully, this time Al is backing him up, so he's not subjected to the suspicious stares and the doubtful expressions. It's nice.
"And what about Bradley? You mentioned him in your note, but you didn't explain anything," Ed tenses when Hughes speaks. He's not ready for this conversation, he doesn't have enough evidence yet—
"Brother's right. He came to Dublith, said he'd been looking for Greed and found him just after we did. The way he behaved, it was… weird," he finishes, like he doesn't know how else to describe it.
"He's been having people follow me since I took the State Alchemist exam," Ed reveals, and he surprises himself with how tired he sounds. There are outraged gasps around him, and he waves them aside. "I'm far from the only one being tailed. All strong State Alchemists get marked and followed, I'm just the only one that's noticed yet."
"Wait, does that mean I'm being tailed?" Ed levels Roy with his best are-you-fucking-serious face, and the Colonel has the decency to blush. "I mean, I figured he was keeping an eye on me, but only because of how quick I've risen through the ranks, not because I'm a State Alchemist."
"Yeah, well, I'm not sure what the fuck he wants us for, but he's been keeping tabs on all of us for some reason. I'm pretty sure they also have Al under watch, but I'm not sure if it's because of his armor or because of his connection to me," Ed sighs tiredly, falling back against the back of his chair. He eyes the drawings on the table warily. There's a sketch of the ouroboros tattoo, and one of Lust, Envy and Greed, though he knows that last one won't help much since he's probably dead already.
Gracia interrupts further discussions when she announces lunch is ready. No one's much in the mood to talk about military affairs after that, and Roy does have to show up back to Central Command. Havoc is on paid leave apparently, and Hawkeye is supposedly running errands for the Colonel (technically not a lie) so they all scatter pretty quickly after that.
It's all a matter of waiting. Everyone is already in position, and there's nothing else they can do to draw the Homunculi out. Most of the time there are a lot more things going on when something like this happens, but Ed can't say he's complaining. At least, this time he gets to stay instead of being sent away. That's happened far too many times for his liking, and people almost always die.
In the end, it takes them a week to finally send someone to kill off Barry. Ed actually expected them to act faster, since Barry is the only one left with knowledge of Lab 5, but maybe they're understaffed, who knows.
Truth, his humor is really shitty sometimes.
It's only because of Ed's well timing (or rather, his knowledge) that he and Al make it in time to hop inside Roy's car. It's crowded, with Al and Havoc squeezing in the back, and Ed and Hawkeye pressing against the window so they can give Roy enough space to drive safely, but they make it work and they fill each other in on what's happening.
"Alright so you just fought a guy who wouldn't die?" Ed asks Hawkeye, who of course wouldn't listen to his warning and fight a homunculus anyways, it's not like she has died doing that before, or anything.
Though to be fair, she has no way of knowing that.
"Yes. I ran out of bullets and he still wouldn't die," she looks baffled. Ed shares the sentiment. "It had an ouroboros tattoo on his tongue. I know you said they regenerated, but…"
"It's pretty daunting to see the first time around, yeah," Ed sighs and looks at Roy. "So where are we going now?"
"We're chasing down Barry's body, it seems. Perhaps it will lead us to the Homunculi's hideout," unlikely, but Ed's been surprised before.
They end up at Lab 3, which Ed knows is one of the entrances to that creepy room underneath Central Command.
Alright, so maybe Barry's body had led them to the Homunculi's base. Or Father's, really, but Ed's the only one that knows Father even exists.
After Barry completely disregards orders - is he even required to take them if he's not in the military? - and they all end up going after him in the guise of chasing down a dangerous serial killer - not really a lie - and making everyone else leave, they end up in front of two paths.
"We have to split up," Roy says, pointing out the obvious. "Lieutenant, you go with the Elrics that way. Second Lieutenant Havoc and I will go this way."
It's a good pairing. Hawkeye isn't an Alchemist, so having Ed and Al would even them out in the chance of finding a homunculus. And Roy and Havoc are both qualified soldiers.
Still, Ed hesitates.
This reminds him too much of past times, when he had to choose and people died - Roy died. The memories are somewhat fuzzy, it's been so long since he stopped this timeline from coming to fruition. But he'll never forget the pain of seeing Roy in a puddle of his own blood, laying still as his heart stopped beating,
Stop it, he thinks furiously. He's not alone this time, Havoc will protect him. He knows much more now, you've told him enough. He'll be fine. Stop fucking around and get on with it.
Just to be sure (just to be sure just to be sure just to be sure), Ed decides to go with Roy and Havoc.
His heart still feels like it's stopped beating though, when not even half an hour later Lust is retracting claws full of blood. Havoc is laying on the ground, and a pool of blood is already forming around the wound in his spine. Roy lets out a gasp of pain as he falls to his knees.
Lust approaches him. Ed doesn't react.
"You are in luck, Edward Elric. Father has plans for you still, so I won't be killing you yet," she smiles sweetly at him, like she hasn't just murdered his two companions. Then, she walks away.
Ed doesn't react.
He knows he should do something, stop her. He's more than powerful enough to kill her. But Ed shuts down. His whole world seems to come to a stop, everything around him disappears. There's only Roy, and how he's dead.
It feels like his heart is being carved out of his chest. His whole self aches, like he's being burned alive and frozen over at the same time. His stomach feels like it's full of lead, and he falls to his knees before he's even conscious of what he's doing.
Somehow, he makes it to where Roy has fallen. His hands shake violently as he rolls him over. Roy's face is covered in grime, but he looks as handsome as ever. If he didn't know any better, Ed would believe he's just sleeping.
But he's not. He's not, and Ed only feels the gaping void in his chest that he always feels when Roy dies.
The tears come almost automatically. His throat constricts as sobs start pouring out, and he's heaving, bawling in a way he's never done before.
It's been a while since he's lost Roy so early in a loop. Ed thought… Ed thought he had more time.
"I'm sorry," he sobs, bloody fingers cupping Roy's face. "I'm so sorry, it's all m-my fault. I always get you k-killed," he bows his head as his chest twists in pain, until his forehead is touching Roy's chest. "Why can't I n-never save you? Why do I alw-ways have to see you die?
Ba-dump.
Ed stills. Did he hear that—?
Ba-dump. Ba-dump.
Ed scrambles up. His eyes are wide open, wildly searching for something in Roy's face, anything, to tell him he's still there. He's met with bleary, opened eyes, looking at him with confusion at his tearful face.
"Roy?" he asks hopefully, warily. Roy coughes weakly.
"Fullmetal? Wha—?" he doesn't get to finish before Ed's crushing him in a hug. He's full-on sobbing, grabbing at him like he's going to disappear. In Ed's mind, he just might.
"You're— you're alive. You're alive," his voice sounds teary and clogged with snot. Ed doesn't care.
He's alive. Roy's alive, he's alive he's not dead, he's alive .
"Yes, I'm— Edward, are you alright?" Edward. This Roy never calls him Edward… Roy coughs some more, and Ed hastily lets him go, though not completely. "What you just said, what were you talking about?"
In the middle of his relieved haze, Ed processes the question and promptly starts to panic.
Oh, shit. Shitshitshitshit.
"I— that…" Ed is at a loss for words.
"Never mind, you can tell me later," Roy chances a look at his wound. "I have to burn it shut," Ed instinctively flinches, remembering all the times when he had to see Roy's body burn to a crisp, flesh sizzling and searing hot. His screams still haunt him. "Get me Havoc's lighter."
Ed doesn't move for a moment. Then, his body reboots and he's leaping into action.
"Get your shit together, Elric," he whispers to himself as he retrieves the lighter from where Havoc tossed it before. He gives it to Roy with trembling hands. "You— you do that. I'll see if Havoc…" Ed swallows and turns around.
He can't see Roy burn himself.
As it turns out, Havoc is very much alive as well - oh Truth, Ed would have let him die because he was so focused on Roy - and Ed tries his best to bandage him without jostling him too much due to the nature of his injury (Ed ignores the sizzling sound of flesh being seared shut). It's most likely that he'll be paralyzed in some way if he gets through this (his hands clench and unclench as he hears the gasps of pain and the grunts), but it's better than being six feet under.
(His heart seizes when the smell of burnt flesh hits him, and he turns around to see the anguish in Roy's face.)
After that, everything is a blur. They leave Havoc - please let him make it, he doesn't deserve to die alone in the dark, please don't make him die like this - and go find Lust, just in time to stop her from turning Al's armor into bits of metal - his brother, not his little brother, don't touch him, please don't don't don't don't don't.
Then, everything is burning.
Ed stands to the side, letting Roy burn and burn and burn and burn until there's nothing left but ashes. Lust's screams pierce his ears, but he keeps a neutral expression on his face. He holds no pity for her, and the faster she's gone, the better.
(For all the times when she killed Roy. For all the times when she got away with it. For all the times Ed couldn't make her pay.)
The fire stops. Roy's legs give up, and Ed is running. He hears Hawkeye approaching as he falls on his knees with a painful thud once he gets to Roy. The man is on the floor, holding his side. It's full of scarring (sizzling hot, the smell of burnt flesh is branded in Ed's nostrils), and he looks ready to pass out any moment now.
Ed is every bit in love with him.
"Are you all alright?" Roy asks, like he's not the one on the floor about to leave the world of the conscious.
"Don't worry about us, sir, worry about yourself!" Hawkeye berates him, Truth bless her. Her eyes are teary, but there's a small smile on her face.
Roy smiles weakly, then looks at Al. "Alphonse, thank you for protecting my subordinate."
"Never mind that, we have to get you to a doctor!" yes, a doctor, that's a good idea. They keep talking, but Ed tunes them out. His hands shake as he carefully lifts Roy's hand from the wound.
There's a lot of scarring, though maybe Ed could try to lessen it with some alkahestry if Roy lets him. He's never been able to learn anything useful enough to heal anything deeper than a paper cut, but in between loops, he's been able to get enough information out of May Chang that he could do something about the burns.
"Fullmetal?" Ed ignores Roy as he examines the wound. There are two holes, closed now. Ed lets out a breath, and it comes out shaky.
He's got to calm the fuck down. He can't start freaking out, not right now, not in front of anyone.
Ed takes a deep breath. He lets it out slowly.
"That can get infected. It's better if you don't touch the ground," his voice comes out more or less composed. He takes out his coat and then his shirt, ripping it off to form makeshift bandages. "It's not much better, but at least the coat shielded this from most of the grime," he explains as he ties the strips of fabric around the wound. His hands still shake a little.
"Brother, are you okay—?"
"I'm fine," it comes out a bit harsher than Ed intended. "Come on, let's go call headquarters to see about getting some medical attention for Havoc and the Colonel."
Al looks like he wants to argue, but Roy chooses that moment to pass out - no, no, no, no, no please don't, wake up, wake up, wake up - and they leap into action.
After everything is over, Ed sits near a hospital bed, eyes closed as he prays to gods he doesn't believe in to let Roy wake up. He offers anything, whatever it is they want, if only they'll let him open his eyes again.
It scares him. Is that why things haven't worked out yet? Because he makes sure Roy survives - because he gives up when he doesn't? Is this the price for his sins? To have to let him go if he wants to save this blasted country and give his brother his body back? Hasn't he given up enough?
(Hasn't he given up everything?)
So. That was a bit of a ride. This part got so much longer than I thought it would (not me naively thinking the whole fic could be a 10k one-shot max, who was I trying to fool?), and I went into a lot more detail than I had decided to at first. Oh well, I guess it's fine (*nervously looks at the other chapters*).
It's been really hard writing Ed, with all the time-looping adding to his depression and all (ups). I want to know what you think of this! Usually in all the time travel fics I've read of fma Ed tells everyone about the future immediately, and I always thought the stories could have used some ~drama~ so that's why Ed doesn't in here. And because of trauma ig.
I also would love to know your opinion in the way I portrayed Ed's relationship with both Al and Roy. I know I left Al a little out, but this is a royed fic thought for royed day, so. There's more of him coming in later chapters though!
As always, you can come talk/yell/whatever at me in tumblr. I'm patolemus there are well. That's all I have to say for now. Chapter two will be up soon!
Stay safe! Kudos!
Pato
