Yellow light shone through Bella's window, gaining a brightness that Bella tried to ignore by pulling her blankets more securely over her head. She found her efforts to sleep a little bit longer were futile as she heard the creak of her bedroom door open and the wood floors groan as Alice moved toward her bed. Before letting Alice know she was awake and would be out of bed soon, she felt her blankets shift and Alice's warm body scoot in behind her.

"Bella, wake up," she whispered, untucking Bella from her cocoon to steal her warmth "where are your pants? If you think this is going to stop me, you're wrong," Alice teased, placing her cold feet on her cousin's legs

Flinching, Bella's sleep-rasped voice came from under her blankets. "Al, pleeease. Just give me thirty more minutes and coffee, and I'll tell you everything."

After Alice realized Bella and Edward knew each other, it felt impossible to continue their teasing without making her suspicious. But, being under the microscope also served to heighten the tension; Bella and Edward were both hyperaware of each other. The slightest brush of skin to clothed skin, radiant heat as more alcohol was consumed flushing skin, a pronounced Adam's apple from a head thrown back in laughter, and teeth biting into her bottom lip as she tried to hide her smile at suggestive jokes. Still, they were caught, but to any outsider, they looked like acquaintances at best.

For the rest of the night, they moved intentionally around one another. For Bella, she felt like she was still doing something terrible, especially after she responded to Alice's accusation of them knowing each other with "he's Emmett's friend," contradicting Edward's reply of "we used to date." While she wanted to argue with him about their relationship status years ago, she thought it best to save it for when she saw him Monday. With a shake of her head and an eye roll at Edwards's surprised amusement, she changed the subject to Alice's buying the next round of drinks, knowing she'd be explaining when they were alone.

Taking the hint, her cousin dropped the subject and took Jasper up on his offer to share his joint with her. The rest of the night passed in a blur of drinks, smokes, and dancing. And although their girls' night now included a group of guys, Bella could have sworn it was just her and Edward utterly alone at times.

Turning over so she was facing Alice, "Go make coffee, or else I'll breathe my morning breath at you."

"Fine, but you better tell me everything."

As Alice rolled out of bed and made her way to the kitchen, Bella took a moment to stretch under her covers. Where should she start? The night she met Edward at her brother's seemed obvious but wasn't necessarily when her feelings changed for him. It didn't start her on the path to being wrecked by him. Maybe that was dramatic, though. At nineteen, she had been devastated when she finally got the nerve to ask, "what are we doing?"

"We're having fun. I'm not with anyone else the way I am with you." Edward responded, not looking at her as she lay in his bed, and he smoked a cigarette in the basement of his mother's house.

"How are you with me? You mean, fucking me?" Bella asked, annoyed at his response but mostly that he was avoiding eye contact. Moving to the door where he stood, she wrapped her arms around her middle, covered by Edward's shirt, hanging from her body. It was the only thing protecting her from the cool air entering through the stairway leading up to the yard they rarely spent time in. Except for one drunken night when they fucked against the side of the damp wood-paneled garage.

"Bella. Of course, I'm only fucking you. But I meant this, hanging out," he replied, finally glancing her way as he gestured between them both.

She knew where this was going and still couldn't stop herself. She wanted him to explicitly say he didn't want to commit himself to her. Was she a masochist or just so desperate for him to keep talking? For almost a year, she had allowed him to keep her in this strange, pseudo-relationship limbo. They acted the part, constantly texting and spending practically every weekend together. For months after their relationship became physical, Bella felt they were at the precipice of a free fall into "love." She knew her feelings had changed, and sometimes get, the way he looked at her betrayed his feelings too. One moment in particular, after a night of intimacy, Edward invited her to lunch with his mother, Esme, and her partner, Carlisle. As the group went through the get-to-know-yous, she could have sworn the way Edward looked at her was different. Proud. Captivated by her. In love. But as time passed, it was more and more apparent that if he wouldn't push them over the edge, then she would have to. Or, they would be done, and she'd lick her wounds with Rose over pints of ice cream and shit-talking men in general; Royce and Edward in particular.

Taking the cigarette from his graceful fingers, she took a drag hoping that it would help her get out what she had to say, "I feel like you only want me for sex."

"Bella, come on. It's not just that. I like you, and we have fun hanging out together. I love having sex with you, being inside you, and watching your face. Trying to keep you quiet when I hit the spot you like," he whispered, moving to pull her closer to him with a hand on her waist and resting his chin on her head. "I'm sorry, but I don't want a relationship right now. What we have is good, though, and I don't want it with anyone else."

Of course, he would choose to focus on their physical relationship without addressing what she wanted, she thought to herself.

Bella felt numb. No, nauseous. Or, was she angry because she brought them here and now she knew she couldn't stay. Putting out the cigarette in the flowerpot just outside the door, she turned to look at Edward's face. As always, it was a mask of neutrality, not betraying any of the emotions he may have been feeling at the moment.

"Do you want to leave?" He asked, returning the favor of studying her. To his surprise, her usually expressive eyes and haughty little mouth were void of affect. "I can give you a ride home if you want."

Bella couldn't decide whether she wanted her to go or stay but settled on selfish, disregarding the cost to her future self's wellbeing. She was going to make him sorry, even deep down; she knew it would be futile, but her pride - the devil on her shoulder, encouraged her to say, "no, I'll spend the night. Let's go to bed."

Whether Edward could sense that this was Bella saying goodbye, he didn't let on. Instead, he guided her hips as she moved to straddle him, watching as she moved to pull his shirt over her head, revealing the body he had become obsessed with over the months they spent together. He watched as she pumped his cock in her hand before positioning him at her entrance, both of them transfixed as she made the slow and intentional effort of fitting him there.

While Edward stared mesmerized at the sight of him slowly disappearing into her body, Bella wanted to study his face. The only time she felt she could see what he was feeling was when they were joined like this—the look of concentration in his furrowed brow. The clench of his jaw as a grunt escaped him from his chest. The almost angry look he got when he spilled inside her. Usually too self-conscious to be on top, completely naked, for the entirety of their fucking, Bella wondered again if he knew this was the end as she rode him slowly to adjust to his size, picking up the pace the way they both liked. Watching him, and knowing he was getting close by the grip he had on her hips and the concentration on his face, she slowed her movement to something more languorous. A pace akin to lovemaking. To her surprise, Edward reached up and pulled her to him, their warm bodies flush. Keeping the pace she set, Edward thrust up into her while burying his face in her neck, placing desperate kisses there as he finished.

Waking up in the cool gray light of Edward's basement apartment, Bella untucked herself from Edward. Turning to watch as he slept peacefully, she almost changed her mind and got back under the blankets. Instead, she quietly gathered the belongings she brought the night before and the random objects she had left here over the course of their…. Whatever.

While it wasn't unusual for her to leave early in the morning while he slept, for work or on a trip to visit her family- she hoped when he woke he would sense the finality of it; that he would feel as empty as she did as she quietly moved around his space.

When she arrived at the tiny one-bedroom apartment she shared with Rose, Bella pulled out her phone, opening her text messages. Scrolling through the messages between Edward, she was ashamed to see the pattern of her always initiating plans to spend time together. This was further proof that this had always been one-sided, regardless of Edward's claim of them having fun.

It wasn't. At least not for Bella anymore. Set in her choice, she texted-

B: I can't do this anymore. I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me too.

Although she didn't expect a response until later that morning, she was shredded when his reply pinged immediately

E: I understand.

"Was that all he texted? No fight or apologies, or anything else?!" Alice responded wide-eyed after listening to Bella explain their history.

"That was it. I mean, there were some drunken texts and late night hookups for a few months after, but eventually that was it."

"Oh babe, I'm sorry."

Having talked about their meeting at Emmett's, celebrating his birthday with his sister Emily, losing her virginity, and everything in between their failed 'relationship,' Bella felt exhausted. She vented to Alice about how she always felt like an afterthought. Not being twenty-one, she could never go out with him and his friends to the bars they frequented. When they all hung out at his place or a kick-back at one of his friends, he always seemed unsure of how to include her, making her feel like an outsider and child. What was worse was the close friendship he had with Tanya, the gorgeous blonde from Em's party that seemed intent on making Bella less-than; not welcomed in their friend group. Already insecure with her standing in his life, having Tanya around felt like salt in the wound. Confirmation of why he couldn't be with her in the ways she wanted.

The only satisfaction she got during that time, regardless of feeling so out of place, the night always ended with her and Edward wrapped around each other, whimpers and moans punctuating their time together.

She was filled with equal parts of nostalgia for the fun she had with him and the ache of disappointment she still had for her teenage self. While their story hadn't gone the way she wanted, in hindsight, she could appreciate the good times more fully, without the cloud of insecurity hanging over her. He had been patient, and she enjoyed his teasing nature, a love language they shared. While most of their time towards the end had been dedicated to exploring each other's bodies, she realized how natural it felt to try new things with him.

"It's fine. I'm over it now, and I mean, we did have fun." Bella said, taking a sip of her cooling coffee.

"But?"

"There's a part of me that still wants to make him hurt the way I did."

"I get that, dude. But just be careful. If it still stings when you think about it, I worry it's still fresh enough to hurt you again." Alice said, concerned that her cousin was setting herself up for hurt again.

Biting the cuticles around her thumb, Bella responded, lost in her thoughts. "You're right. I'll think about it. Maybe I should cancel my plans with him on Monday."

"Selfishly, I want to say no because Jasper is coming over tomorrow, and the plan is for him never to leave, and it would be nice to have loud, dirty sex all over the house. This is easier without you here. But just think about it. You know yourself better than anyone and will do whatever's right for you. Now stop biting your nails; let's go to the flea market and then go get our nails done."

Bella watched amused as Alice grabbed the mug from her hands and made her way inside, determined to start their day. Hanging back to smoke one more cigarette on their porch, Bella sorted through her motives for talking to Edward again. While she wanted to be selfish, she couldn't help but include Mike into the equation. Things were casual, but she thought there might be something more. If he could stick around waiting while she went off to Central America, then he was for sure a keeper. Resolved to talk to Mike about her plans to apply for the Peace Corps and what that meant for them, she realized she was spending too much time thinking about Edward, who only deserved to be on her back burner. She had a whole-ass life she was proud of, plans for a future that did not include him.

With pettiness disguised as empowerment, she texted Edward that she could no longer hang out on Monday.

B: Sorry, Mike asked me to go to some networking event the Law School is hosting. But maybe some other time?

Not waiting for a response, she followed Alice inside to start their day.

AN:

Thank you to the lovely Fran for her work editing! If there are any mistakes, they are all mine. When I started writing this chapter, I didn't realize how deep in her feelings Bella was- let me know what y'all think!

I also wanted to share that It All Started With Twilight has a new prompt for The Song to Story Challenge! Please check it out here: https//groups/834673544138327