Edward woke up feeling dazed, not hungover per se, but with a strange sensation of not feeling settled in his own body. Even upon getting out of his bed to grab a glass of water and dumping in an electrolyte powder packet, just in case a hungover snuck up on him later in the day, he felt like a stranger moving through his condo. Perhaps this was the feeling of getting over Maggie, accepting that the space they intended for each other now only belonged to him. He felt guilty to be excited by that prospect.

Rather than dedicating too much time to focusing on those feelings, he made his way back to his room to get dressed for his morning run, stopping when he noticed an alert on his phone. It was a message from Bella—seeing her last night had been just what he needed. He thrived on the tension between them and felt secure in how they moved around each other. Her confidence had changed, and he couldn't help the way it drew him in even more. When they were first together, he loved the flashes of her feistiness in between long stretches of just chill. He loved learning what provoked her; loved watching when something so offended her that a harsh criticism wrapped in humor seemed to escape her without a second thought.

B: Sorry, Mike asked me to go to some networking event the Law School is hosting. But maybe we can hang out some other time?

Fucker, he thought to himself though he wasn't sure if he meant Mike or himself. Shooting her back a quick text in understanding, he left it open for her to decide when she might be free to hang out again.

Resigning himself to his run, he got dressed, slipped on his beat-up running shoes, and put in his Air Pods. Scrolling through his Spotify, he decided on RATM to get him through his morning routine, determined to let Bella make the next move.

Still, as his heart rate increased to match his steady pace and beads of sweat formed at his hairline, prickling his skin, he let thoughts of her keep him distracted as he pushed his body further. She was different. The apparent being age and maturity, blah blah blah, but what stood out was that she smiled more. At least more than he could remember when they were alone together. He had loved her dry, sarcastic humor, stern, and serious Bella. But as he replayed the night before in his head, he realized maybe she hadn't actually changed. Rather, he never got the opportunity to meet this goofier version of her—the girl whose laugh bubbled up with ease, who was completely unaware of how magnetic and beautiful she was when she threw her head back and laughed.

This is so stupid, he thought. He told her he was good with just being friends, but he knew it was a thinly veiled desire for more. She knew it too, and he felt foolish, ashamed. In punishment, he increased his pace, pushing his body against the late night before and the crisp morning air. He wouldn't fixate on her. He would let Bella make the next move.

After finishing his run around Lake Union and making it back to his condo downtown, Edward compulsively checked his phone to see if Bella had texted back, heart freezing when he saw a notification from Emmett instead. Had she finally told him? Maybe she just mentioned that they saw each other last night, and he remembered that Edward existed? Doing his best to ignore his guilty conscience, much like he used to back when Bella was nineteen and he felt like a perv sneaking behind his best friend's back, he opened the unread message.

Emmett: Hey man, BBQ at ours for Memorial Day. It's a drive, but you can crash here.

Before he could respond, another text from Emmett came in

E: Don't give me any shit about being busy. It's been too long.

Edward sighed in amusement; it had been a long time - not since he first brought Maggie around to meet everyone. Her bubbly personality had won them all over. Even Tanya had liked her.

Thinking of Maggie, Edward tried not to feel like a failure. At thirty, he has once again detailed his timeline of adulting. While Edward had enthusiastically done so back in New York, feeling carefree and less confined by society's standards- he wasn't sure when conformity had begun to be so important to him. A good job, a condo in a desirable part of the city, an eco-conscious car with safety features. A serious relationship headed toward marriage.

Shooting a quick text back letting Em know he'd be there, he tried to shake off the dark cloud threatening to settle over him.

The path toward a picture-perfect life, if one even existed for him, became less clear.

——

It had been two weeks since Bella canceled their plans to hang out, and Edward couldn't decide if the feeling of being unsettled persisted because of loneliness or because of her. Work and spending time with friends and family had kept him distracted; for the most part, going through his nightly routine alone was a stark contrast to his life outside his four walls. He wondered, had he always been like this? Been someone who needed to be with someone? He hadn't thought so, but thinking back over the past few years, his adult life had been filled with relationships, fuck buddies, and every gray zone in between.

Maybe he was a serial monogamist.

Rather than let that passing thought settle into acceptance or be filed away for further self-examination, he texted Bella contradicting his previous decision to let her initiate. Feeling strange in his skin, he needed something to get him out of his head, hoping his inquiry of "how was your day" didn't come off as pathetic as he felt. while he waited, he moved to his sofa, flipping on the TV for the background noise and hoping to zone out.

After an hour of scrolling through his phone, he was surprised to see it light up to an incoming call from Bella. Straightening up as if she could see him, he debated whether to let it ring a few times before his curiosity got the better of him, and he accepted the call.

"Hey, do you have a minute?" she asked before he could speak

"Yeah, of course,"

"Why do you sound surprised?" She asked with amusement

"I just didn't think your generation liked talking on the phone," Edward responded, the smile apparent in his voice.

"My generation? It's strange hearing you acknowledge how old you are. Let me think; you would've been a freshman in high school when I was learning-"

"Oh god, please, you know I hate when you do that," he interrupted.

"Hey man, you're the one that started it," she responded playfully. "No, but I just figured this would be easier to explain if we're talking and not texting. I'm not afraid of a phone call, Edward."

Yeah, he still loved hearing her say his name.

"Do what? Are you breaking up with me again? You could've at least told me in person this time."

"Shut up; we never dated for me to break up with you."

"You keep saying that."

"I'm serious. I hate that you say that. We never dated; we just fucked." She said, tongue sharp and dripping venom. "That's why I'm calling. I was going to fuck with you, tease you to get you back for hurting me, but I don't want to be that way. I don't have the energy or time, and I just want to lay it out there that you did hurt me back then. I mean, I'm over it now, I think, but I'm an adult, and I'm not going to play games with you. And whether or not you were playing games back then or are trying to now, I just don't want it, okay? We can be friends, but only if you actually want to be my friend and are not just trying to get in my bed."

Edward was taken aback. So caught up in how she made him feel, then and now, he never took the time to properly think about the ways he could have been hurting her, intentional or not.

"Jesus, Bella. I'm really fucking sorry," Edward responded, feeling ashamed and unsure of what else to say, which was just as well as Bella seemed to just be getting started.

"I don't want you to say sorry. It's just … what the hell, Edward? I think it's more that I feel like you took advantage of me, and even though it hurt that you didn't want to be with me in the same way, that's what felt the worst. Like, I was SO YOUNG. What virgin just wants a fuck buddy? What were you thinking? You probably weren't," she went off, and Edward thought that as much as she needed him to hear this, she needed to work through it too. If all he could give her was an explanation, he owed her that much. "I don't know, maybe it's just my pride, or I guess maybe I do want you to say sorry," she continued, laughing

"I am sorry. I really did think we were having fun, but you're right. That was fucked. I'm sorry, and I don't want to play games with you. I like you and just want to be around you," he responded sincerely.

"A part of me doesn't want to know, but had you done that before? Or since?" Bella's voice came through, sounding unsure and with less fire.

"Do you mean with someone that much younger than me? I've had friends with benefits before-"

"Yeah, someone younger. Is that like, your type or?"

"I don't make it a habit of dating younger women Bella, and regardless of whether I was interested in labeling us, it was dating to me. What we had." He listened as she hummed her skeptical response, "I'm serious. It was only ever you."

"Well, at least you're not a predator or a serial one at that," Bella said jokingly.

"Ugh, is that how you see me; how you've thought of me all these years?"

"Maybe subconsciously," she responded thoughtfully. " to be honest, once I got over it, I didn't think of you too much. Seeing you must have brought something up."

"I get that," Edward said, moving to mute his TV and put Bella on speakerphone as he laid back on his couch, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He could feel the conversation slipping away into an awkward silence but wasn't sure how to stop it. He had been scolded and felt the need to stew in her criticisms.

"I did have fun too, though. I obviously can't lie about that," she said almost shyly, just before the silence became unbearable.

Feeling like a desperate man being offered a lifeline, Edward sighed and chuckled humorously, "at least I was good for something."

"At least one part of you was," she teased.

"Just one, huh? I seem to remember you loving when I-"

The giggle that came through the line stopped him mid-sentence, setting his heart to bloom. The warmth spread through him and spurred a desire to be the cause of that sound any chance he had.

"What do I love, well?" She prompted.

"Hmm, I knew what you used to, but I'm hoping you'll just show me someday."

"And what about, Mike?"

"Whenever you're ready, Bella."

"Oh my God." She sighed with what sounded like contentment to Edward, but maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part. "Tell me what happened with Maggie." She demanded, changing the subject unceremoniously. Although he wasn't incredibly excited about this change of topic, he would've said anything to keep her on the phone with him.

Groaning, "All right, let me get some whiskey for this."

After a few sips of the amber liquid to sustain the warmth in Edwards's chest that Bella had put there, Edward started at the beginning, reminiscing on good times through the demise of his relationship, some of which Bella seemed to know. After confirming she had heard some of it from Rose, Edward confessed to her what he hadn't to anyone else. He no longer felt sexually attracted to Maggie. Feeling like garbage, he admitted their relationship had, at some point, begun to evolve into something more like friendship. And when she stopped keeping up her physical appearance, he found it easier to avoid being physical altogether. It started with wearing less makeup, which Edward had initially preferred, but then it came to clothes, no longer doing her hair or shaving, and by the end, Edward got that he was no longer with the person he had started dating. Still, he trusted her, and they were comfortable. But, he did love her and was ready to accept the new phase of their relationship had she not been the one to end things.

"Edward. That's so fucked up. You're kind of a dick."

Laughing humorlessly, he gulped the remaining whiskey in his glass. "I know, Bella. I just didn't know how to start feeling attracted to her again and didn't feel right asking her to change the way she looked to appease me. I would have stayed with her, but she was the one who left."

"You would have stayed with someone you didn't want to have sex with? I mean, I know it's been a while, but you're a very sexual person, Edward. Maybe she was doing you both a favor."

"I would have. I still love-- loved her."

"Ugh, I'm sorry. This is much sadder than I expected, even though I'm high-key judging you for being so shallow."

"Yeah, me too." After pausing to sit on the fact that he had finally told someone the truth about Maggie and him, he added, "I deserve your judgment, but I don't know, maybe I felt the need to tell you and no one else because I want you to know all the awful things about me too. Maybe I'm trying to push you away."

"Yeah, same old same old, I guess. You always had a bad habit of making me second guess where I stood with you."

"I really am sorry, Bella. It was never intentional. Everything about you is instinctual. It's like riding a bike."

"Excuse me, is that an innuendo?! But, I think I get that, and I might forgive you."

"Just might, huh? Fuck, I'll take it. I don't want to know, but I feel like it's only fair I get to hear all about Mike now," he said, emphasizing her new guy's name in a mocking tone.

"Maybe some other time," she responded with a yawn as she changed the subject. "Are you heading to Forks for Emmett's barbecue?"

"Yeah, want to carpool," he asked, half-joking but hoping she'd take him up on it.

"That sounds like a great idea," she responded, feigning enthusiasm. "But no, I'm going with Alice and Mike."

"Cool, can't wait to me him." He quipped sarcastically.

"Shut up; I'd rather die."

"That's dramatic."

"Have you met me?" She joked before adding, "I appreciate the offer, though. Guess I'll just see you there?"

"You will."

"Good. I've got to get to bed, though. See you soon."

"Yeah. Good night, Bella."

"Night, Edward."

As he reached over to make sure the call had ended, he resisted the urge to check on Maggie's socials and instead let himself feel hopeful about seeing Bella soon, at Emmett's place where they first met, no less. Getting up to rinse his glass and take a shower before turning in for the night, he couldn't help but let his mind wander to that night he met her.

As he made the way to his en-suite, undressing and throwing his clothes in the hamper near its door, he remembered the thrill of being near her that first time. Her eager kisses and how reactive she was to his touches; without pretense or filter. The arch of her back and her mouth dropping open to let out a sigh or moan or squeak. Remembering the first night was the rabbit hole for all those that followed. As Edward let his forehead rest against the tile, water cascading over a sinewy-muscled back, gripping his aching cock, he let himself remember the way she looked on top of and under him, eyes wide and staring in disbelief every time he made her come around him. Edward thought of his thumb running against her bottom lip as he thrust into her, tits bouncing in synchrony with each push. He was close and held on to the images and sounds she had made as he climaxed against his shower wall.

As he stepped out, gently closing his shower door, to move through his post-shower routine, he didn't notice that the only part he skipped was wiping the foggy mirror to examine himself. A habit made in recent months as if he had watched himself like a spectator throughout the day and only had an opportunity to dissect himself and his actions as an afterthought each night. Instead, Edward brushed his teeth before moving to his room in the dark and sliding into his cool bed.

Typically an active sleeper, Edwards's night was blissfully devoid of any dreams.

AN:

Sorry, it's a long one!

Hello friends, sorry for disappearing for a bit- lots happening on my end that made it difficult to be in the right headspace for writing. BUT, things are much better and the next couple of chapters have been drafted and are waiting patiently to be reviewed and edited by the very kind, Fran.

I have not been receiving notifications from FF for the last couple of months and was so surprised and thrilled to see some new reviews when I finally opened the app! Thank you for your kind words and thoughts on this story so far- they are appreciated more than you know. Also, picturing Edward with a Charlie mustache had me dying and while I try to find the images that best suit what I have in mind for a banner, I hope you'll picture Edward circa The Lighthouse. Am I the only one that finds a scruffy mustache hot? I will say, the older I get the more I appreciate some Chief Swan, though.

Finally, just a few songs that helped me get back in shape to write the next few chapters, in case anyone is interested. Warning- if you read too much into the lyrics, there might be some spoilers.

Cursive- From the Hips

Japanese Breakfast- Be Sweet

Her's - What Once Was