Bella sat on the porch swing tucked into the corner of her brother's yard, surrounded by rose and azalea bushes her friend lovingly planted, making the area fragrant and ethereal. Lighting a cigarette, her first of the night, she watched as Edward exited through the French doors, closing them slowly and quietly behind him. As he turned, she watched him scan the yard, imagining his eyes adjusting to the dark before the glow of her cigarette seemingly gave her location away. She watched him make his way over, graceful and sure in his joggers and plain white tee, laughing as she noticed his socked feet undoubtedly collecting dirt and yard debris.
"Why wouldn't you put on your shoes?" She laughed gently.
"I could ask you the same," he said, running his finger along her bare foot, legs curled under her seat.
"I like being barefoot. Especially in the summertime, but your socks will get ruined."
Sitting next to her, he removed his socks, rolling them into a ball and tucking them into the corner of the swing.
"Better?"
"Hmm, only because you have nice feet. Do you get pedicures?"
Taking her cigarette for a drag, he chuckled with a shake of his head. "Why are you out here?"
"To smoke, obviously. Emmett would tell on me, and Mom and Charlie would kill me."
Taking her cigarette back, she finished it off before stubbing it out in the ground, reaching for the cans of PBR she had waiting, and offering one to Edward.
"Sorry, it's not the craft stuff you've been sipping on all night. It's all that was left."
"It's all good, Bell; I'll drink shitty beer if it means I'm sneaking away with you."
"So generous," she teased.
"I try my best."
"How was your week? Did you get that project finished at work?" Bella asked, uncurling her legs from under her to stretch in the space between them, poking Edward's side with her toe.
Switching to hold his beer in the other hand, so he could grab her foot, he held steady as she flinched away from the cold before placing her feet on his lap. Neither seemed to notice how natural it was to touch each other as if it were instinct and expected.
"Not yet, but we're almost there, just waiting on a final review of the environmental reports before we can give the okay to break ground."
"Oooh, very exciting," she teased, secretly thrilled Edward had initiated physical contact, regardless of how innocuous her feet resting on him seemed.
"Yeah, the city planner's office is filled with excitement. You don't know the bureaucracy of finally starting a project that has been fully funded, and the community actually wants." Edward trailed off, unsure of how to bring up what he really wanted to tell her. Taking a sip of liquid courage, he glanced at Bella's face, open and sweet, before ripping off the Band-Aid. "I uh, saw Maggie today," he said, running his hand against his stubbled cheek in nervousness, unsure why he felt guilty at his admission.
"I know; Rosie told me. Everything okay?"
Letting out a sigh, Bella watched the furrow in his brow as he thought about the encounter that morning.
"No. I mean, yeah." He said, moving his hand to wrap around her ankle absentmindedly. "So I think I told you about helping her get a car? She couldn't afford the payments anymore; she wanted to borrow money, but it just didn't feel right. Carl … Carlisle, my mom's boyfriend, helped me find a buyer for it, so I just had to meet her to get the keys and the title."
"No offense, but it seemed pretty dumb to have co-signed.
"It was in hindsight, but I thought I would marry her. Seeing her today felt awkward more than anything, like a confirmation that we both weren't right or good for one another. She's still not taking it well, and I guess I feel like shit that it's not hurting me as much, at least not anymore."
"Are you over her? Maybe there's still some love there—"
"Yeah, I mean, I'll always care about her, but having some space has offered some clarity. At first, I was maybe blindsided? I don't know; I guess not even that. All the signs it was coming to an end were there, but now it feels like we're done, and there's nothing to go back to."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It's for the best."
Edward was relieved at having said his piece, as was Bella; she didn't want to be that friend who only listened to his ex-problems. They sat enjoying the quiet as they sipped their beers.
Bella watched Edward for any sign that he was thinking of Maggie. As if her gaze might discern the feelings his heart projected in his mind; as if a fluorescent light above his head would appear at any moment to indicate his current state: vacancy/no vacancy. She wanted to know every excruciating detail of their relationship in hopes it might stunt the attraction she felt toward Edward growing inside her with each conversation and laugh. And now, with each touch they shared, however innocent it might be given their history.
"Where's Mike, by the way? I thought you were bringing him."
"Ugh, not you too. I changed my mind and don't want to talk about it."
Squeezing her foot, he took another sip of his beer, "good; I don't really want to know."
"Jealous? And why not? I want to know everything about you and Maggie."
"Of course, I am. You must be stronger than me because I don't even want to have the thought of you with someone else planted in my dumb brain. You're with him; I respect that but would rather avoid any gory details. You can ask away, though. I already admitted how shallow and emotionally inept I am; if you're still here, I'm sure I can find something else to scare you away," He responded honestly.
"What if I don't want to be scared away?"
"Then I'm following your lead. You brought me out here; what did you want to talk about? Unless you just couldn't stand to be away from me any longer."
"Okay, I'm going back in," she said teasingly, eyeing Edward's hand that had moved from her foot to wrap gingerly around her ankle.
"It's okay; I want to be near you too. God, look how tiny and dainty your ankle is," he said, distracted by how his thumb and forefinger wrapped around it with ease. "We don't have to talk about anything; just stay for a bit longer," he finished bringing it back to rest against him.
Rather than fill the air with small words or hurts from the past, they sat back in silence regarding one another as Edward slowly pushed them back and forth on the swing. The only sound being nocturnal creatures in the surrounding woods and the hiss of a new can opening as they moved on to their second beer each. It might have been uncomfortable if it weren't for the fact that they really did just need to be near one another. Weeks of talking and a day spent tracking each other from across room and yard; both were content to just be.
"I read somewhere that staring into someone's eyes for long enough can trigger feelings of euphoria, almost like being high," Bella finally said, breaking the silence. "Do you want to try it?" Bella asked as she took a sip of her beer.
Edward was sure they were already doing just that but still agreed. As they both sat up and he reluctantly let go of her legs, they met in the middle of the swinging bench, it groaning at their shifting weight. Watching her eyes, soft, open, and expressive, he was happy to humor her, especially in that it took him back to the last time he had the chance to be this physically close to her- the late night text he received when her mother had been hospitalized, long after he expected to never hear from her again.
"Can I ask you something?" He interrupted their staring without meaning to
"No. We're not supposed to talk."
"You're right about that."
"Edward, you're messing it up; just shut up,"
Trying to clear his thoughts, he refocused on the task at hand. As he watched Bella watching him- the slight raise of her brows and the move of her dark irises between each of his, he didn't think staring in silence had anything to do with how he felt. He knew it was all her. So when a giggle slipped from her lips, reflected in her eyes, he was surprised to be caught off guard.
"Sorry, I could see your eyes lose focus; it was the strangest thing." She said, grabbing his face to examine his eyes more closely. "Did it work for you?"
"Something did," he responded, not wanting to bring attention to her hands on him or how close their faces were in case it scared her.
"What were you thinking about," she asked, seemingly content to prolong their physical contact.
"Whatever you were thinking about," he teased back, earning a gentle pat to the sides of his face before she moved back to her end of the swing.
"Seriously."
"That night, you came over when your mom was in the hospital. Your eyes look the same now as they did then."
"What? How? I was wrecked. I was almost scared you would turn me away."
"Not that I ever would, but you were so persistent; how could I resist you. I just wanted you to feel okay but did feel kind of embarrassed; that's all I was really good for, to you at least and during that time."
"You should have told me that you knew before we had sex."
"You're right; I wanted to but didn't know how. You were pretty intent on getting right to it." He said, earning him a roll of her pretty eyes. "I'm obviously not the best at communicating. I sometimes feel like the more I try, the more I fuck it up. I know I've been saying that being physical came easy for us, and it did, but I am trying, Bella. To let you know what I'm thinking and feeling. To let you know me."
"I can tell."
"Would you still have stayed even if I let you know that I knew your mom wasn't doing well?"
"It's hard to say. I just really needed to feel something else; think of something else. Or stop thinking altogether. That was the first time I realized I could just have something without any strings attached. Too bad you started dating Maggie soon after. Sorry for using you."
"Ugh, I deserved it, but don't tell me that now. You could've spared us all a lot of heartache. I guess I can blame you for that now," he teased, wanting to lighten the mood.
"Give it to me; I'll take it."
"I'd rather give you something else," Edward responded with a lascivious grin
Leaning forward to smack him, Bella was happy that Edward grabbed her wrist, pulling her gently towards him until they were lying side by side, her head on his chest, him still holding her wrist as he held it against his sternum.
"Don't overthink it; we're just staying warm," he spoke into the top of her hair
"Who said I was cold?"
"We've had a lot to drink; it's giving us a false sense of warmth. I'm making sure we don't get hypothermia. Blame it on the alcohol."
As she snuggled in closer, Edward felt, more than heard, Bella singing in a whisper-
"Blame it on the Goose, gotcha feelin loose. Blame it on the 'Tron, gotcha in the zone."
"You're such a dork," he said, moving to cover her mouth with his hand, causing her to lift her head to get away.
"I am, but you're the one that wants to kiss a dork," she said playfully, looking at him.
"True. But I'm being patient."
Looking sleepily into his face, she knew if she asked for what, he would tell her entirely truthfully. She just wasn't sure if she wanted the answer. But the steady rise of his chest and the sound of his heartbeat soothed her; she settled back into him and drifted off to sleep instead.
The frigid air pricked at Edward's feet as he tried shifting to find his blankets, only to realize the weight on top of him and the mass of dark brown hair. With a jolt, his eyes flew open, grasping he and Bella had fallen asleep outside. But as he felt her steady breaths, the length of her body pressed up against his; he hated the thought of ending it before he could thoroughly enjoy it. But as the chill settled against him again, he could only imagine how cold Bella must be in her tiny shorts, amusing himself that this might be the only time she wouldn't complain about what a hot sleeper he was.
Pressing his lips to her hair, he rubbed her back as he whispered her name, trying to wake her as gently as possible.
"Bella, wake up. We gotta go back in before it gets too late."
This only served to have her settle in more securely to his side, and he thought if by some freak accident, a lightning strike, or a bear attack should kill him on the spot, he could die happy.
"Edward—" he thought he heard her mumble as she fisted his shirt in her tiny hands, tucking her leg more securely between his.
"Baby, we've got to get up. Your brother will find us and kill us both. Or Charlie will hide you away forever but definitely kill me."
"Fine, I'm up," she said, though her eyes remained closed.
"K, let's go. I'd carry you, but you have me trapped."
Edward was unpleasantly surprised when this seemed to do the trick, as Bella's head sprung up, knocking him in the chin.
"Shit, what time is it?"
"I've no idea," he said, sad to watch and feel her disentangle herself from him.
Not wanting to lose the intimacy of the moment, even if it was coming to an end, Edward grabbed her hand, leading her through the backyard, quietly up the deck, and inside, hoping the creaking floorboards below were louder to their sensitive ears than that of the whole house. As they quickly reached their destination, and without thinking, Edward placed a hand on Bella's neck before she could completely turn away without saying good night. Fighting the urge to kiss her, he let his fingers rest against the base of her skull, thumb stroking her jaw.
"Good night, Edward," she said, seemingly free of the trance he currently found himself in.
But rather than being deterred, he wrapped his free arm around his bringing her into a hug. Kissing the top of her head, he let the distance fall naturally between them to look into her eyes searchingly before wordlessly making his way into his room.
Bella stood shell-shocked in the empty, quiet hall, filled with family pictures; hers and Rose's, the laundry room in which she considered their real first acquaintance just behind her back. Slowly opening the spare room door, occupied by a sleeping Alice, Bella undressed as she walked to the bed, crawling under the blankets in just her underwear and Charlie's old shirt- letting herself sleep.
She would figure out what to do tomorrow.
AN:
y'all- I've been a lurker in this community for a long long time and it means so much to have you reading (and reviewing) this story.
Most thanks to Fran for all her help- she's better than Grammarly.
