Bonne Chance
Partie 1
Awakened by the sound of a horn in the street, Baekhyun turned his head to his alarm clock which read ten forty-three and rubbed his tired eyes as he sat on the edge of his bed.
He had a headache. He had drunk a lot the night before, accompanying, as an excuse, Jongin who seemed to particularly want to get drunk too and he was now paying the price. Why were there always consequences for everything? Life would be so simple without the fuss.
Eventually getting up, still asleep, he first went through the toilet before sneaking into the bathroom and slipping under the shower where he dozed for a few minutes, before washing and getting out.
Dry, he put on again his pajamas, closing the buttons of his collar to the top and ruffling his still damp hair, left the bathroom to return to the room, like a zombie.
Positioning himself in front of his dressing room for a few more minutes, he decided on blue jeans and an essential black turtleneck, that he quickly put on.
Then, when he was ready, he took to the kitchen, finishing his morning ritual by brewing a large cup of latte and installing Jongin's cup in the machine, so that all he had left was to press the button, when he too would get up with his hangover.
He then dealt with his own hangover. Swallowing a painkiller with a large glass of water, he put the water and tablets near the coffee machine, so Jongin wouldn't look for them either, and climbed onto one of the stools on the kitchen counter to finally drink his coffee.
It was then that he noticed that an envelope was lying on the counter, in its place.
Sliding it next to him at first,
he put sugar and stirred his coffee, before taking a sip and putting his cup down.
There, opening the envelope, not sealed, which did not specify its addressee, but as there were only two here, it could only be for him, he took out a handwritten letter and of course immediately recognized the Jongin's fine and elegant handwriting and began to read:
"Hello Baby Baek [...]"
Squinting, Baekhyun wondered why he had crossed out his little name and even why he had preferred to cross it out rather than take another sheet, but he ended up shaking his head. He must have written this letter the day before, after they got home and saw it wasn't very fresh, perhaps this explained it. And he resumed his reading:
"[...] I just spent the last two hours watching you sleep, before writing this letter [...]"
Rolling his eyes, blowing, he was bothered by the fact that he watched him sleep like this ... Jongin could see things he didn't want him to see ... Baekhyun then took another sip of his coffee, before reading more:
"[...] I needed to fill myself with you, your beautiful serene face and that little smile that you wear every night, which always assures me that your sleep is pleasant to you.
I love that smile so much ... I like knowing that you are well. [...] "
Rolling his eyes again, Baekhyun shifted on his stool. He would like to be as well as Jongin imagines. And he resumed:
"[...] I am sure that by reading this you raised your eyes towards the ceiling ... I imagine that what I say to you pisses you deeply [...]"
"-What? Baekhyun blurted out when a pang in his heart made him twitch.
"[...] But I admit that I'm still a little drunk from our evening at Hyuna and Yixing's house and I don't give a fuck. I have been acting for a long time as if I did not see this exasperation that I seem to cause in you [...] "
Frowning, not understanding what he was talking about, Baekhyun reread the end of that sentence and narrowed his eyes, before continuing:
"[...] even if I don't know why, or rather, since when it has been the case.
Maybe you don't love me anymore ... That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
That I must have missed something and that today you stay with me out of habit, or so as not to complicate your life.
In any case, for my part, I try not to complicate it too much.
And that's also why tonight, I shut my mouth [...] "
Frowning further, he brought the letter a little closer to his eyes to decipher the words, more and more badly written.
"[...]
I didn't want to create a problem in front of Hyuna.
Poor thing, she would have done better to find another guy than my brother, I feel sorry for her [...] "
Suddenly violently disconcerted, Baekhyun swallowed.
"[...] I thank Heaven for having made that this evening, it is me, who will seek you on the terrace for the cake ... The poor girl would have had a very unpleasant birthday present .
But shit, I think I never had so much pain in all my life [...] "
"-Oh no ... Jongin ... he moaned understanding immediately.
Laying his trembling fingers over his mouth, with tears in his eyes, Baekhyun then turned to their bedroom door and returned his attention to the letter:
"[...] If I had been asked to imagine it, I would have fallen short, it hurts so much.
He fucking fucked you against the railing and ... It's simple, I thought I was dying of pain.
Fuck Baekhyun, how could you do this to me?
And him ? You are two motherfuckers.
I HATE YOU !
In addition it must be a while that it lasts. I'm sure it's been a long time.
Now I see things, I remember details.
YOU MAKE ME SICK !
Fuck !
Is that why you've been refusing me for some time?
To reserve you FOR HIM?
I'm very ashamed. You humiliated me!
What if at least you had been content to cheat on me with a stranger.
But no, you, you had to get fucked by my own brother!
You are a Baekhyun bastard. It's over ![...] "
Rising abruptly from his stool which slumped on the floor noisily, Baekhyun rushed to their room and found it empty.
"-Jongin?
Jongin was not there!
Opening the two doors of the dressing room, he found it partly empty. The bathroom: toothbrush, razor, aftershave, everything that was supposed to be there was no there, Jongin's personnal items was no longer there.
Jongin was gone ... To absolutely avoid seeing him, he hadn't even noticed that he was no longer there ... what an idiot ...
Returning then to the bedroom, dazed at not having really noticed anything when he got up, Baekhyun sits on their bed, his heart aching in pain and does not in the least hold back the tears that began to flow down his cheeks.
Why did Jongin have to witness this? It was unfair ...
...
A few minutes later, it was with lost gaze that he suddenly stood up again and ran into the kitchen, in order to find his phone charging near the refrigerator.
He had to tell him everything, explain himself!
Opening the directory of his contacts, he then didn't find Jongin's name in, no more messages, no more trace of him.
Jongin had erased everything.
" -Fuck. He said running his hand through his hair nervously. What's his number?
Then going into the living room, he searched in the drawer where they kept the pending bills and found Jongin's where he was relieved to find the line number.
Immediately dialing each number, in the blur of his flooded eyes, without thinking for a second what he was going to be able to tell him other than the truth, he directly arrived, without much astonishment, on his voicemail and closed his eyes
listening to his voice, and his new phone message:
[Hello. If you want to join me, call my secretary, she will relay
and if it's you Baekhyun ...
... A silence and a breath ...
... Forget me]
And Baekhyun burst into tears.
"-Shit ... Jongin ...
Then after several long minutes of inconsolable crying, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, he realized he was still holding the letter, somewhat crumpled now, and bit his lower lip in apprehension.
It was far from over and he was afraid of what he was going to read in it.
The writing itself revealed Jongin's state of mind as he wrote these words.
He was angry and that was understandable, which didn't help the guilt Baekhyun was feeling right now.
Sitting down then, where he was, that is to say on the living room floor, he leaned against the wall and resumed his reading all the same:
"[...] You are a bastard. It's over !
I could never bear to have you both in the same room as me again.
I don't want to pretend I don't know anything.
There's no way I'm going to be more of a jerk, a blind asshole.
Shit. WHAT FOR ?
What did I do wrong?
Were you lacking in attention from me?
Did I have left you without realizing it?
Did I give you no more pleasure? Have I given you at least some already? Was that also wrong? [...] "
Baekhyun shook his head.
"[...] My fucking head is full of questions that I would probably never have answers to. In particular a
Was it he who came to you and you gave in, or was it you who went to him and seduced him?
I don't think I want to find out after all. If it's the second option it would break my heart even more. It would mean that you were really in need of something other than me. It would mean that it's my fault!
Shit. I have always thought that we were a harmonious and ideal couple. I have had such comments so often.
Ah he is beautiful, the perfect couple. Couple of shit, yes.
The other question that plagues my mind is
ARE THERE OTHERS?
FUCKING SHIT! Am I a stupid jerk from the start?
Did I really like A SLUT? [...] "
Upset, wincing in pain at the rough word, Baekhyun closed his eyes and grabbing his hair with his free hand, shaking his head.
" -No. I swear to you, no. He moaned in response, before wiping his eyes and reopening them on the letter.
"[...] Have I really been a fucking idiot from the beginning?
Damn it ! if that's the case, you're a champion. I have seen nothing.
Maybe you should think about making it your job.
You wanted a conversion, it is found! [...] "
At this point a blank and a change of sheet.
Jongin must have taken a break. Maybe Jongin had cried at this precise moment, because some letters seemed to have been erased by a tear.
And just thinking about it, Baekhyun saw a blur again and wiped his eyes.
Then...
" [...]I beg your pardon.
It's not your fault that I'm such a jerk.
I imagine they were all better than me.
It shouldn't be hard to find. I know I am useless. My father told me that many times. His stupid fagot son.
Look, the proof, even my father compared me to the perfect Yixing.
You should have chosen him, at least you wouldn't have needed to look elsewhere.
Well on the other hand, my ficking father, would have exploded, learning that his adored eldest son had become a fagot in his turn.
There he must have turned in his grave this old asshole.
Hell, I am laughing. My brother is fucking gay. This is fucking funny!
In short, let him die!
If at least I could get those images of you two out of my head.
And that black on your eyelids that had run under your eyes when you finally deigned to join us after your so-called cigarette break. That so-called cigarette smoke you got in your eyes.
Holy shit. Would I have swallowed that snake, that shitty excuse, if I hadn't seen you in action a few minutes before?
Am I really so stupid? Probably yes.
The proof, I still love you. Isn't that completely stupid?
Like a poor asshole, I still love you!
FUCK !
I don't want to love you anymore!
I want to forget you !
Forget that you probably never loved me.
Forget that I was stupid.
Forget that you went through seven long years of my life to leave nothing but chaos.
I will never love anyone again.
I don't want to love anymore.
I don't want to be in pain anymore.
I want my heart to stop beating so I won't regret you anymore
I don't want to think anymore
I don't want to dream anymore
I don't want to live anymore.
That's true ! What will my life be for me now, if it is no longer devoted to you?
No ! Holy shit, too bad!
It's life. It's MY FUCKING BITCH OF LIFE!
It's just mine is a shit life!
So I'm going to heal my heart and move in this other direction.
Where I won't meet you, where I no longer have a family.
I'm pulling out and you know what? I'll take the money I supposedly kept to buy my little dreamy car.
I say supposedly because in reality it was to be able to pay you this trip around the world that you dream of since you were a kid. This money is no longer useful to me, so I'm really going to buy me this beauty that has made me dream, me, for so long. After all, I have the right to indulge myself too.
Yeah. I'm gonna spend all the money I've got and set sail.
Take the road never to come back to this cursed city too filled with memories of the two of us.
Yeah that's it, I pull myself away and I forget about you!
That's all you'll know about my program.
From now on you are no longer part of my life.
Don't try to reach me.
I forbid you!
Live your life and pretend I never existed.
And tell my brother that if
No. Don't say anything to this son of b guy, he's nothing to me anymore, just like you.
GOOD LUCK !
J.
PS: Try not to hurt Hyuna too much, assholes.
...
Laying the four leaves beside him on the ground, Baekhyun put both hands on his face, devastated.
Jongin had left him and he would have liked his heart to stop because he was hurting him.
Shit weeks of suffering this torture and here he was ... exactly where he didn't want to happen ... why had fate played this shitty trick on him?
Eyes burning with tears, he finally got up from the floor and with trembling fingers, lit a cigarette in front of the kitchen window he had just opened.
He would have done better to tell Jongin about his brother as soon as it started. Or even quite simply confess his bullshit to him as soon as he had done it ... Or talk to him before everything starts, talk to him about his gambling problem as soon as he was aware of it. Although he wasn't sure if he'd realized it before being in shit ...
So this money was to give him a trip after all? It doesn't matter. Did it make a difference now? Clearly, no. Jongin would realize that his money was no longer there and he would be even more angry with him.
Today he found himself with these two huge mistakes on his slate and Jongin could never forgive him for all that. All those lies ... Jongin would never want him again.
He was going to end up alone ...
Returning to the living room, his heart, his soul filled with pain, he let himself be stranded on the sofa.
The only consolation in all of this ... although he would remain soiled with it his whole life, he wouldn't have to endure the assaults of that Yixing pig anymore and that was a relief. But Jongin was no longer near him and this relief did not erase his sorrow.
Bursting into tears, his face in the sofa cushions, he cried for a long time.
Then after a long time, it is exhausted from having cried too much that he ends up fall asleep.
... / ...
