A film studio. A life-size Mary Moo Cow is pushed by outside. Inside, three men sit on a set that looks like an Italian restaurant. Make-up artists are putting the finishing touches on them. Arthur stands in front of the set.

Arthur said Hi, everybody. I'm here on the set of "The Altos". You know, that TV show about the family life of a gangster. They've agreed to let me teach you a little something about television. Here is what's known as (shit) the bleep. Whenever you hear (bullshit), it means there's something that you're not supposed to hear. Arthur shows a man who sits at a machine with one red button. Here is the person who is making them. (Fuck shit and pussy) Watch and listen how it's used.

A red light goes on above a sign saying "Live Stage". A clapboard reads "The Altos, take 48, scene #3".

Alto 1 said Ugh! This is terrible apple betty! It's bullshit! My mother, now, there was a woman who could make fucking an amazing apple betty. When she made it, the whole fucking neighborhood stood outside our house. Fuck saint bitch-ass that woman was. If it's okay with you, Tee, I'd like to give that pastry chef a taste of his own cannoli.

Alto 2 said Hey, none of you dumbasses so much as shit, unless I fucking say so, capisce?

Arthur called Cut! And there you have it. Of course, the bleep doesn't exist in real life, only on television. But wouldn't it be great if it did? Then you could bleep out whatever you wanted.

Lakewood is playing baseball against Mighty Mountain. The batter hits a high ball to Arthur.

Arthur gasps) Arthur drops it. Uh-oh.

Francine said I can't believe it! That was the easiest catch ever. That's it! You're never playing on this team ever ever again. (Arthur gives the bleeper a sign, who is sitting nearby. Then he walks away.) In fact, you're never gonna play on (bleep) teams ever again. (bleep) for Arthur R...(bleep).

Arthur and D.W. run through the living room in swimsuits. They knock over a lamp which knocks down a glass bird which breaks.

Arthur gasps)

D.W. said Mom! Arthur just Bleep your favorite Bleep bird.

Arthur gives a thumbs-up to the bleeper.

Arthur sits on his bed.

Arthur said And best of all, the bleep could be used when your mom and dad are going to visit your school and BLEEEEEEP The bleep does not stop. Huh? Hey, what's going on? Stop it! Stop!

He notices that the bleeper is reading a Bionic Bunny comic. He runs to the man and finds that D.W. has her finger on the button.

Bleeper said What? Oh!

D.W. chuckles)

Arthur said Aw…

Francine: (voice) Bleep Title card)

In a glass shop, Grandma Thora examines a bowl while D.W. waits.

Grandma Thora said Well, this will make a very nice present for Ethel, don't you think? Just wait here, sweetheart, while I go pay for it.

D.W. looks at the merchandise.

D.W. sighs Oh… She makes music with two glasses and overhears a conversation.

Mother said Stop that! You'll break something.

Teenager said Ph! Whatever.

Mother said That's enough backtalk, young man! You can forget about going to that concert tonight.

Teenager said What? You can't do that!

Mother said I can. And I have.

Teenager said bleep you in the neck.

Mother gasps) She drops a vase which breaks.

Grandma Thora said Come on, D.W. I'm done. She pulls D.W. out of the store.

As they walk down the street, D.W. keeps looking back.

Grandma Thora said Something wrong, dear?

D.W. said The boy just said this word that made his mom drop something.

Grandma Thora said Really? That's strange.

D.W. said I know. I never heard it before. Do you know what it means?

Grandma Thora said I don't know. What did he say?

D.W. said Well, she said he couldn't go to a concert, and then he said…

Grandma Thora said What, dear?

A thought bubble appears.

D.W. (in bubble Fuck

Grandma Thora (in bubble) Oh! She drops the glass bowl.

D.W. said Never mind.

When they get home, D.W. immediately runs up the stairs. Arthur is working on a model plane in his room when D.W. bursts in.

D.W. said Arthur, I have to ask you something. What does fuck mean?

Arthur gasps) He drops his model which breaks.

D.W. said Wow! It happened again!

Arthur xaid You better not let Mom and Dad hear you say that.

D.W. said Why? What does it...

Mrs. Read comes in.

Mrs. Read said Arthur, have you put away your... What's going on in here?

Arthur+D.W. said Nothing.

D.W. closes the door to her room. Nadine stands on a desk holding a vase.

D.W. said Okay, so you're ready? Nadine nods. Fuck Nadine drops the vase. Shh!

Nadine said Don't worry, it's imaginary. The shards disappear. Nadine disappears and reappears on D.W.'s bed.

D.W. said Okay, since you know, tell me what it means.

Nadine said I don't know. I just figured you're supposed to drop something when you hear it.

D.W. said This is awful. How will I ever find out?

Nadine said Just ask your mom and dad.

D.W. said I told you. Arthur said never say it to them.

Nadine said Well, if you can't ask them, who can you ask?

D.W. imagines herself at the dinner table. Mrs. Read is setting the table while Arthur pours milk.

Mrs. Read said Nadine's right, honey. All you have to do is tell it to us.

Arthur gestures "no".

D.W. said But what if it does something really really bad?

Mr. Read said What could one little word do?

D.W. said Okay. (takes breath) Fuck

Mrs. Read gasps) She drops the plates.

Mr. Read gasps) He drops food.

Arthur gasps) He drops the milk.

Kate Uh. She drops her bowl.\

D.W. gasps) Ahh! She looks out of the window. Street lamps and windows are bursting and the stars and moon fall from the sky. Mary Moo Cow jumps over the moon as it lies on the ground. She cracks an egg with a hammer.

The fantasy ends. D.W. and Nadine sit up in bed with a start.

D.W. gasps) Bad idea, Nadine.

In the preschool sandbox, D.W. talks to the Tibbles.

Tommy: (laughs) It makes people break things?!

Timmy+Tommy: (laugh) Cock Goddamn motherfucking asshole They roll in the sand laughing. Other kids stare at them.

Tommy said Oh no! My Danger Ranger belt buckle just exploded.

Timmy said My eyes! My eyes!

Tommy laughs) Yes, she doesn't watch cable TV.

D.W. said Wow. So I can just say it? Just like that? (takes breath)

Tommy holds his hand over her mouth.

Tommy said No, don't!

D.W. said But you just said…

Tommy said Different when there's grown-ups around.

Amanda Hulser's mother is kissing her goodbye.

Timmy+Tommy: (whistle innocently)

D.W. said That's what Arthur said. Why?

Timmy+Tommy said Should we tell her? Not sure. Maybe.)

Timmy said Because it's a swear word.

D.W. said What does that mean?

Tommy said It means moms and dads hate it.

D.W. said Why?

Timmy and Tommy exchange mischievous looks.

Tommy said Would you want to turn into a zombie slave for a day?

D.W. said A what?

Timmy said Dickhead

Tommy holds out his arms in front of him.

Tommy said Yes, master. Your every wish is my command.

D.W. said No.

Timmy said Just try it and see.

D.W. said I did see. The boy's mom dropped a glass.

Timmy said Then what?

D. I don't know. Grandma took me out of the store.

Timmy+Tommy said Mm-mm. (laugh) They walk away.

Miss Morgan sings with the preschoolers.

Miss Morgan+Kids: (sing:) "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."

D.W. hesitates. She looks at the Tibbles who nod. She imagines saying the word.

Miss Morgan+Kids: (sing:) If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to…

D.W. said Bitch

Miss Morgan drops her accordion. gasps) Yes, D.W. Your every wish is my command.

Everyone stares.

Kyle gasps)

James gasps)

D.W. said Um, can I have a soda? Miss Morgan gives her a can. Wow! How about letting us watch TV?

Miss Morgan rolls in a TV set and turns on Mary Moo Cow.

Miss Morgan said Any other wishes?

The fantasy ends. D.W. smiles.

Miss Morgan said D.W., are you all right?

D.W. said Huh? Miss Morgan and the kids are looking at her. The Tibbles grin and give the thumbs-up. I'm fine.

After class, the preschoolers leave the building. The Tibbles pass D.W.

Tommy said Scaredy cat!

D.W. said I'm not!

Timmy said Guess she just wants to stay a baby all her life.

Tommy said Yeah! She doesn't deserve to know the word.

Mrs. Read comes with the car.

D.W. sighs)

On the ride home, D.W. looks sad.

Mrs. Read said Anything wrong, honey?

D.W. shakes her head.

...

Mr. and Mrs. Read are preparing food in the kitchen while D.W. watches.

D.W. said Mom?

Mrs. Read: said Yes, sweetie?

D.W. said Um…

Mrs. Read said Yes, what is it, D.W.?

D.W. said sighs) Never mind. walks into the dinning room. Nadine appears.

Nadine said Did you say it yet?

D.W. said Shh! She pulls Nadine under the table. What if the Tibbles were lying?

Nadine said Wouldn't be the first time.

D.W. said But then, what if they're not? I mean, what if every kid says it? Maybe that's how Arthur made Mom and Dad always treat him better than me.

Nadine: said That's a very good point.

D.W. said If only I could test it. She sees the Molina family pass by the house carrying shopping bags.

Vicita talks to D.W. on the phone.

Vicita said Cool! And they do whatever you say?

D.W. said Uh-huh. But you probably shouldn't say it. Ever. It's really only for us older kids.

Vicita said Right.

D.W. hangs up and gives Nadine the thumbs-up. They run upstairs. D.W. and Nadine stand by the window in D.W.'s room with Arthur's Bionic Bunny binoculars.

D.W. said Okay. By my calculations, she'll be saying it in the next five minutes. She sees Vicita walk into the kitchen where the other Molinas are. Make that ten seconds.

Mrs. Read said Okay, D.W. Time for dinner.

D.W. said I can't see!

Mrs. Read said D.W., did you hear me?

Vicita is talking to her dad.

D.W. said Oh, there she is!

Nadine said Did she say it?

D.W. said I don't know. Her brother got in the way.

Mrs. Read said Now, D.W.!

D.W. said Just a minute!

Mrs. Read said No, not just a minute! Your dinner's getting cold.

D.W. said Oh, wait wait wait.

Mrs. Read said D.W.!

D.W. Rrr!

Mrs. Read said D.W.!

The Molinas suddenly look shocked.

D.W. said I think she just said it.

Mrs. Read said D.W., are you listening to me?!

D.W. said Go fuck yourself A moment later she looks scared.

Nadine said Uh-oh. waves at D.W. and disappears. D.W. sees Vicita being scolded and pointing at the Read house. Mrs. Read comes in.

Mrs. Read said Dora Winifred Read! What did you just say to me?

D.W. said Em... Can I have a soda? Mrs. Read folds her arms and looks angry. Tibbles! She looks through the binoculars and sees the Molinas' living room is empty.

Mrs. Read said What are you doing? The doorbell rings.

D.W. said I'll get it! She runs out the door. Downstairs are her dad and the Molina parents. Her mom comes down the stairs. Um... er... Arthur did it?

at Dinner time

DW eyed the food in front of her with a disgusted scowl. She hated broccoli. She hated green things and icky things, and most of all, she hated her father's mystery mashups that he tried to use to get her to eat those vile things known as vegetables. Her father's ploys would not work today. She saw the little green booger things sticking out of the food. Call it what you want to, but that was icky.

"Dora Winifred…," her mother warned, but DW pushed her plate away anyway. Her mother sighed, giving her husband a dirty look; he was supposed to solve this problem. "DW, you're going to eat dinner or you're not leaving this table until you do."

"I won't eat it, I won't! It's poison! All vegetables are poison!" she exclaimed. Arthur sighed next to her, wondering why he had to put up with such a horrible and annoying little sister. "Make Arthur eat it! We don't need him around for anything," she said, sticking her tongue out her brother. He ignored her, trying to eat the casserole without being disturbed.

"I would never serve you poison, DW. Now eat your food or your mother's right. I won't let you leave until you finish your serving. It's the perfect size and shape, the exact weight you specified," David explained to his daughter, trying not to roll his eyes. Another local chef showed her preschool class the exact weight they should be consuming of food. Because he'd just gotten a new digital scale for his own cooking, David was soon bombarded with the requests, and DW watched him like a hawk to get the perfect weight, except tonight.

"You are trying to poison me, you-"

But she was silenced by a spoon entering her mouth. Arthur's parents looked to him in shock. He'd dropped his own spoon and forced a bite- of DW's food into her mouth. He kept the spoon there as she maneuvered the food. She couldn't spit it out while he was there. So she had to mash it between her tongue and taste every bit. When Arthur could see her face transform from angry to content, he removed the spoon.

"It's good, isn't it?" Arthur asked. DW nodded, accepting her spoon back from her brother. "Then be quiet so we can eat in peace," he groaned, getting back to his own meal.

The table was silent. DW ate her meal without saying a word, and because Arthur's trick worked, David and Jane were quiet as well. Plates were cleared

Late Mrs. Read has brought D.W. to bed.

Mrs. Read said Well, you're off the hook this time, because you didn't know what you were saying, but I hope you know now that swear words are not appropriate things to say, especially for three and four year old children.

D.W. said Why?

Mrs. Read said Because most people are offended by them. It's as simple as that.

D.W. said But why? What do they mean?

Mrs. Read said I guess you could say they mean "I want to hurt your feelings". Goodnight, D.W. She goes out.

D.W. said Why didn't somebody just tell me that in the first place? Wait till the kids at school hear about this.

D.W. waves to her mom in front of the preschool.

In the preschool playground, Edwin, Amanda, Maryann and Tommy are playing in the sandbox.

Amanda said You're a bitch!

Maryann said No, you are!

Amanda said You look like a dick!

Maryann said You're a asshole!

D.W. comes. Tommy said Well? Did you say it to 'em?

Edwin said What in fuck did they do when you did?

Amanda said Thanks for teaching it to us, you douchebag.

D.W.: said Uh, guys. I think we need to have a talk about this.