Carol and Daryl, Commonwealth
As Quinn and Negan were about to fall asleep next door, Carol and Daryl were putting the kids to sleep after all of them took a shower.
"Hey," said Carol strictly. "I'd prefer if you slept in two separate beds."
Henry rolled his eyes.
"Mom!" he said.
"No, she's right," said Daryl strictly. "We don't want any kid pregnancy here."
"What?" asked Lydia totally taken aback. "Jesus Christ, just don't talk about things like that! I'll sleep on the couch…" she stated.
"Sooner or later you need to hear about "things like that"," said Carol scoldingly.
"Mom, we are not doing anything like that!" Henry insisted.
"Stop. I don't wanna hear it either," stated Daryl equally strictly as Carol.
"What are you even talking about?" asked Judith, completely not getting it.
"You'll know when you're older," said Carol flashing a quick smile at the little girl while she placed a pillow and a blanket on the couch.
"At least let me sleep on the couch, you should have the bed," offered Henry. Lydia shrugged her shoulder.
"It doesn't matter which one," she said.
"Just make up your mind, jeez," said Carol. Daryl patted Henry's shoulder while Lydia prepared her spot on the other couch, which was a bit bigger than Henry's. Carol brought Judith and RJ to another room. RJ almost immediately fell asleep. Daryl stood by the door, watching Carol trying to get Judith to sleep.
"I'm just not that sleepy," said Judith quietly, not to wake up her little brother.
"You are tired, it's just this place is unfamiliar. Once you get used to it, you'll fall asleep in no time," Carol explained gently, quietly. Judith nodded understandingly. Daryl glanced back above his shoulder to check on Henry on the couch, but he was already asleep too. He turned his eyes back at Carol. She was stroking Judith's head gently.
"It's okay. Henry and Lydia are in the next room and we will be in the other room," said Carol quietly.
"What did you mean by kid pregnancy?" Judith asked suddenly. "Lydia could give birth to a baby?" she asked. Daryl turned his eyes embarrassed to the ground while Carol smiled at the little girl.
"Yes, Lydia reached that age when she could, but she shouldn't yet," stated Carol.
"How are babies made?" asked Judith with the pure innocence and curiosity of a child. Daryl exhaled sharply and this time, he turned his eyes to the ceiling.
"Holy shit," he growled.
"Language!" said Judith keeping her voice down. Daryl glanced at her.
"Sorry," he said smiling.
"Okay, you really don't have to worry about that right now," Carol answered smiling at the little girl gently. "You'll know when the time comes."
"Okay…" Judith gave in, she was barely able to keep her eyes open. "I'm tired," she said as she let out a yawn.
"Yes, you are," said Carol still stroking the top of her head. Judith turned around in bed and seemed to be falling asleep. Carol slowly stood up and tiptoed to the door. Daryl stepped outside, Carol followed her and she closed the door, but not entirely, leaving a little gap. Their eyes met. They couldn't help but giggle quietly, because of Judith's questions. Carol glanced at Henry and then at Lydia while still having a smile on her face. Daryl made sure the front door was locked. Then he followed Carol to their bedroom. She took off her cardigan and neatly placed it on top of a drawer. Daryl closed the door behind him and when Carol turned to face him their eyes met. A couple of minutes of silence followed.
"What?" Daryl asked.
"Do you even know how babies are made?" asked Carol mocking him.
"What? 'course I do," stated Daryl confused as he placed his crossbow in the corner. He didn't understand why Carol is asking this.
"Really?" asked Carol smiling mysteriously.
"What's goin' on?" asked Daryl unsurely. He knew Carol was sometimes… initiating things, but he just didn't get the sign. Or he didn't want to get the sign. And he was right about that. Carol was trying to lure Daryl into bed because she wanted to distract her own thoughts. Daryl didn't understand the attempt that she wanted to have sex, but he was clear about Carol being bothered by something. Carol tried again. She stepped closer to Daryl, but when she tried to touch his face, Daryl grabbed her hand in midair. "Carol… I know you. Can't trick me. So tell me what's wrong and stop putting on this show."
Carol felt embarrassed as Daryl saw right through her. It was way easier with Ezekiel. She took her hand back and exhaled sharply. She turned her back on him and wanted to walk away, but Daryl grabbed her hand once again, keeping her there.
"Talk to me," he insisted as they looked each other in the eyes. Carol gave up. Her eyes started to get teary.
"I just… wanted some distraction," she admitted.
"I know… but from what?" asked Daryl in that deep, gentle voice. Carol shrugged her shoulder. Daryl shot a meaningful glance at her, so Carol gave in and finally answered.
"They keep track of time here. When that guy was taking notes… I saw the date on the paper. Today is Sophia's birthday."
Carol was fighting against her tears while Daryl stared at her shocked. He didn't notice that and they never really talked about Sophia until now. After taking in the fact, Daryl tilted his head slightly to one side and caressed Carol's cheek.
"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked gently.
"I don't know… we never really talked about her… or Lizzie and Mika…" Carol said as she turned her eyes to the floor. Daryl let out a sigh and took off his poncho and his angel-winged vest, then threw them on top of the drawer, next to Carol's neatly folded cardigan. Carol sat down on the bed, not looking at him at all. Daryl was wearing a dark grey shirt slightly unbuttoned at the top and he kept his trousers on as he gathered they are not making love that night. They never did before and he wanted it to be special… not just a distraction. He blew away a stray hair from his eyes as he sat down on the bed close next to Carol. She glanced at him finally.
"I didn't ask you about what happened… because I knew you were in pain. Wanted to give you space," he admitted, growling in his low, gentle voice while examining Carol with his eyes. She wiped her eyes quickly and nodded.
"Thank you, Daryl. That's really thoughtful of you," she said honestly. "But I feel like… I should talk about her now. To finally get it out and close that chapter. If Negan could do it, maybe I can too."
Daryl nodded understandingly. Carol took a deep breath and continued while looking him in the eyes.
"I'm so grateful to you for searching for Sophia… I still am. I shouldn't say this but… I gave up. When we couldn't find her… Somehow… I just knew she was gone. I knew we can't find her anymore…" said Carol slowly, her voice was trembling and cracked as tears were suffocating her. "…but you didn't give up. You kept going and going even though you got injured."
"Still got that scar. With many more I collected later," Daryl said. He gently took Carol's hand and slipped it under his shirt, putting her finger on the scar on his waist.
"I'm so sorry… I always blamed myself for this," she admitted as she pulled her hand back. Daryl shook his head gently.
"No, no, stop it. I was a clumsy piece of shit. I caused this to myself," Daryl said quickly to shut Carol down about blaming herself.
"And when Andrea shot your head…" Carol continued, but Daryl interrupted her again.
"Now that definitely didn't have anything to do with you," he stated. Carol stayed silent and they looked each other in the eye for a long minute.
"I was so confused back then," she continued reminiscing, but this time she turned her eyes to her hands on her lap, avoiding eye contact. "I started to have a crush on you, but I was so shy… I just lost Ed, and then Sophia disappeared… and out of all the people there… you were the one who went out to look for her. You," she looked Daryl in the eye once again. "My heart was breaking because of Sophia. I was so worried, I thought I was going crazy, and yet I had these feelings for you that I didn't know what to do with. So I cried, and I cried and cried even more to let it out. Then you brought me a flower."
"A Cherokee rose," Daryl said.
"A Cherokee rose," Carol repeated nodding. "With that story of the sad mothers. I was falling hard. And when you got shot… I thought I was losing you too. I couldn't have taken to lose both Sophia and you at the same time."
"That's why you nursed me back then?" Daryl asked. Carol nodded with teary eyes.
"I already cared about you," she admitted. Daryl let out a sigh. He wasn't good at this at all, but as silence was taking long minutes he felt that it was his turn.
"I went out to look for Sophia because I wanted to raise her with you," he stated. Now, this was new to Carol, she got taken aback, and suddenly her tears stopped too because of the shock.
"What? You…" she said disbelievingly while Daryl was nodding yes to her as he continued.
"I didn't know what to do. I'm terrible at this. Have no clue how to get a girl or somethin'… I figured I would do whatever it takes to get her back to you," Daryl said, this time he was avoiding eye contact. He was staring at his own hands on his lap, when he saw Carol's hand taking his.
"So that's why you said Sophia wasn't your daughter when we were arguing back then…" Carol said time-traveling into the past in her mind. Daryl nodded approvingly, feeling a little bit guilty about what he said to Carol while they were arguing at that time. How he called her a stupid bitch. He didn't want to remember that. He didn't mean it back then and he felt ashamed for saying those things out loud. Suddenly Carol distracted him from his thoughts. "Strangest courting story I've ever heard," Carol chuckled softly while still crying. Daryl let out a slight smile as he embraced her with one arm. She leaned her head on his shoulder.
"I'll never forget when she stumbled out of that barn…" growled Daryl quietly. "I will never forget seeing you break."
"You saw me break a couple of times…" Carol said sadly.
"But not like that," Daryl said gently as he leaned his head over Carol's head. After a couple of minutes of silence, Carol continued.
"There isn't one day passing by without me thinking about her… I always think about her. What could have been. What I should have done differently. I was so scared and I didn't know what to do. I'm blaming myself all the time, especially now that I know what I'm capable of. I could have gone out to search for her myself but I was so scared and clueless. I was depending on others. And… I was blaming Rick…" she admitted. "I'm sorry, Daryl… but I felt like this. I blamed the whole world. But I blame myself the most. And I hate myself for that…" she took a deep breath while still crying, then she continued: "I try to imagine her… how she would look like after all these years."
"She would be just as pretty as you are," Daryl stated as he didn't know what to say to all of this. He only reacted to the last part. He could understand perfectly what Carol was feeling. But as soon as he said it his cheeks turned a little bit red, however, Carol didn't see it. She smiled to herself because Daryl just called her pretty. "She looked so much like you," added Daryl to quickly distract Carol from what he just said. Carol straightened her back and looked at him as Daryl locked eyes with her.
"You would have been a great father to her," she said quietly but confidently. Daryl scoffed softly then his slight smile quickly vanished.
"You shouldn't torture yourself with "what could have beens"," he said gently as he caressed Carol's cheek.
"I know. But sometimes it's hard. I can't tell the dates without a calendar, but sometimes I just get this feeling like… probably her birthday would be around this time. And now it really is. I just saw the date on that damned paper. It's not just a feeling now. It really is her birthday…" she said fighting with her feelings.
Daryl didn't know what to say. It was painful for both of them, but they just had to get it out finally, after all those years. Suddenly Carol stood up and started pacing, Daryl leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees, following her with his eyes.
"I still blame myself for her death. That I was too scared to go and look for her. That it was easier to blame Rick. It was easier to cry in the corner. Feeling sorry for myself instead of doing something. It was my fault," Carol started talking more strongly, but still in a quiet way so Henry and Lydia wouldn't hear in the next room. She was still spacing, trying to get rid of all of the feelings that tormented her.
"Carol, stop," said Daryl gently. "Stop, please. Don't do this to yourself."
"And I didn't even attend her funeral, because I refused to face reality," she finally stopped, turned her back on Daryl, and sobbed uncontrollably. Daryl didn't think twice he quickly stood up and embraced her from behind, strongly but gently at the same time. Carol buried her face in her hands, crying endlessly. Daryl started gently rocking her like people rock babies to calm them down. They stayed like that for who knows how long, it felt like hours. It seemed to be working, Carol stopped sobbing and her breathing started to become regular again. But just so she could continue the horror.
"And I blame myself for Lizzie and Mika too," she stated. Daryl was still embracing her from behind, now he gently put his chin on her shoulder and whispered to her ear.
"You never told me what happened to them," he pointed out.
"I needed space and you gave that to me. You know me too well," said Carol. She took another deep breath then exhaled sharply and turned to face Daryl. "Lizzie murdered Mika because she thought walkers were still alive. She was the one who fed the walkers with rats at the fence at the prison. She was convinced they are still alive and they are her friends. She wanted to prove that by demonstrating with her sister. And I don't even dare to think about how baby Judith was left alone with her… I left them alone," she said pressing the word "I". Daryl was surprised and shocked, all written on his face, by the information which took place ages ago, but still, they were news to him. Carol's eyes were gathering tears once again. "I had to… I had to…" she tried to end the story, but she couldn't finish, she started sobbing again and turning her back on Daryl once again, covering her face with her hands.
"It's not your fault the girl went crazy," he murmured in her ears. "You hear me? It was not your fault," he repeated. Carol turned around and buried her face in his chest, Daryl stroking her back, trying to calm her down. "Hey… that girl went nuts. We couldn' have done anythin' 'bout that," he murmured soothingly. Carol backed away a bit and wiped her eyes, then looked at him.
"I could have saved at least Mika if I didn't leave them alone."
"You saved Judith and yourself by putting that girl down," Daryl pointed out. Carol sniffed and her mouth winced. "Hey… you did the right thing. Girl couldn' 've been saved," Daryl insisted.
"I know… somewhere deep inside I know… but I still blame myself," Carol said as she moved away and Daryl let her go out of his arms. Carol started pacing once again. "And then that bitch tried to kill Henry… I just…" she exhaled sharply and Daryl took the pause to interrupt her.
"Henry's still alive. He is here with you," Daryl stated seriously. "That's the only thing that matters, not that bald bitch and not the whisperers and not anythin' else. We are all here, together. Alive."
Carol stopped pacing and looked Daryl in the eyes once more. She nodded softly, indicating she agreed with his words. Daryl continued: "Come on… we should go to sleep. It's almost dawn."
"I couldn't fall asleep anyway. Not like this," said Carol as she wiped her eyes which were becoming more red by the minute. However, Daryl was already throwing his shirt away, then he got rid of his trousers and socks and went to bed in boxers. Carol couldn't look away, which Daryl didn't notice at all, but when he nestled in comfortably under the blanket she finally turned her eyes away. She let out a sigh and went to the bathroom to get changed into pajamas. Daryl smiled to himself at how shy she was. She was ready to have sex with him a couple of hours ago and now she was shy to change in front of him. She came back in her pretty pajama with little flowers on it, which ignited a warm, loving feeling in Daryl's heart. She nestled in next to him. They turned on their sides, facing each other.
"What about Beth?" Carol asked quietly.
"What about her?" Daryl returned the question. Carol threw a meaningful glance at him and Daryl gave in and answered the question. "She was like a little sister to me. And I blame myself for her loss too… and you were the one who came with me to save her," he summarized.
"I thought you… I thought there was more to it," said Carol gently, tactfully, but Daryl shook his head slowly.
"Nah… I was twice her age. We were just friends. I felt really down when you and I got separated after the prison," Daryl let out a sigh as he turned on his back, staring at the ceiling. "I couldn't think about anything else but you… and it was too soon after we lost Sophia. Beth somehow managed to lighten up my mood. Even though I never told her that. I was hurt… and I took it out on her. I should've said sorry to her, at least but… I didn't. And then I lost her," his mouth winced as he finished the story. Carol gently took his hand and caressed it with her thumb. Daryl covered his eyes with his other arm, letting Carol hold his hand. He tried to gulp down his tears but it was hard after all this.
"I'm so sorry, Daryl…" said Carol quietly, her voice breaking again. Both of them struggling with their tears. Suddenly Daryl turned towards her with his tears rolling down his cheeks and buried his face into her shoulder. Carol embraced him without saying anything, crying together in the dark.
"And I almost got Connie stuck down there…" started Carol, but Daryl shook his head in her arms, so Carol stopped the sentence. Quinn's suicide attempt also occurred to her, but she didn't dare to mention it, after all of this. It was almost dawn, Carol saw from the corner of her eyes that little ray of light on the horizon. "We lost so many people…" she said quietly. Glenn, Rick, Carl… the list could have gone for long for both of them. But they were trying to calm down. Daryl fought off the rest of his tears, backed away a bit, looked Carol in the eyes, and answered:
"You still got me," he stated solidly while his voice was still gentle, yet his blue eyes were sparking with determination. It made Carol feel stronger.
"And you got me," she answered equally determined.
Daryl caressed Carol's cheek, wiping her tears away, while Carol did the same to him. She brushed the hair out from Daryl's eyes.
"It's a shame you're always hiding those beautiful eyes," she said gently, still brushing Daryl's hair with her fingers, avoiding looking him in the eyes directly, because of embarrassment. Daryl was watching her the entire time. Both of them calmed down in a couple of minutes, all the crying gone, only the red, puffy eyes were indicating their deep conversation. Daryl was still caressing her cheeks. As their eyes finally met, Daryl scooped closer and very slowly and gently kissed Carol. It was a soothing, comforting kiss. Nothing hot. And it worked. Carol finally calmed down. As they backed away, Daryl looked her in the eyes and caressed her cheeks once more.
"We have to focus on the here and now," he murmured.
"And the future," Carol added. Daryl nodded approvingly. They got comfortable in bed once again, still facing each other, trying to fall asleep, as the first rays of the sun were already visible through the window.
…
Author's notes: Listen to "Big girls cry" by Sia. This goes for Carol. ❤
And listen to "Never gonna be alone" by Nickelback. This goes for Daryl. ❤
Thank You for reading! ❤
