CH06: [Paulina] slapped [John's] arm. "Turkey."
English-speakers who read this paragraph, understand it to mean that Paulina is saying You turkey, but with the You understood.
You turkey is my American-speech counterpart to the British You prat. Either expression is an insult that is mild enough that the hearer (who usually is Harry) will not get angry. Either term means You annoying idiot.
Alas, translation-programmes think Paulina is talking about Turkey, the Middle Eastern country. For you readers who are reading my chapters in translation, whenever you read Turkey (the country), mentally substitute You annoying idiot.
So why do I not simply write "You turkey"? Because in canon, Hermione never says You prat when she is slapping Harry's arm, only "Prat." I want to keep the parallelism.
Chapter 7
John Buys Harry's Freedom—Sort Of
Still morning, Wednesday, 24th July
Still Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey
Ten-year-old Harry Potter opened the front door. Standing there were a young woman and a young man. The woman was a blonde so gorgeous that Harry would never expect to meet a woman like her in person. The young man with her was tall, muscular and blue-eyed, and he had a handsome face—but he also had hair that was just like Harry's, except for colour. Harry never had met anyone with the same messy hair that Harry had.
Harry stared at the young man in shock.
"Oh, hello," said the young man. He spoke with an American accent. "You're Harry James Potter, right?"
Shock number two!
Uncle Vernon yelled, "WHO'S AT THE DOOR?"
The young American man, who was standing just outside the doorway, put his hand out to shake. "I'm John Potter, your second cousin. Paulina and I are on our honeymoon, but we thought we'd come by and say hello."
Harry's brain shut down. His paralysis meant that he did not shake the man's hand. "Potter? You're my cousin?"
"I am. May we come in, please? It might be July now, but mornings in Britain are cooler than what Paulina is used to."
"Oh, sure, erm..." Harry stepped back and let the beautiful young couple enter.
As Harry was shutting the door, the blonde squealed. "I declare, John, that's a Hogwarts letter! We came at the perfect time!"
John Potter smiled at Harry. "You got your Hogwarts letter today? I bet you have tons of questions!"
Harry had no idea what the American Potters were talking about.
The blonde, meanwhile, had bent down to pick up Harry's letter. "Um, John?" she said worriedly.
Uncle Vernon waddled into the foyer. "BOY! I EXPECT YOU TO—WHO ARE YOU?"
"Please," Harry said to his cousin and his wife, "you need to leave now!"
John Potter calmly replied to Uncle Vernon, "I'm John Potter and this is my wife Paulina. We're on our honeymoon, and we came here to meet my famous cousin Harry."
Harry said, "I'm famous? What am I famous for?"
Uncle Vernon snapped, "You're famous only to the other freaks!" Then he demanded of the Americans, "Are you two freaks too?"
"Define 'freaks,' Dursley," John Potter replied coldly.
"Magic-users. Wand-wavers," Uncle Vernon snarled.
"What?" said Harry. "You've always told me there is no such thing as magic!"
By now, Dudley and Aunt Petunia were standing behind Uncle Vernon. Aunt Petunia sneered at Paulina Potter, "To look as good as you do, this can only be by doing freakish things."
"Bless your heart," Paulina Potter said with a smile. The words sounded friendly, but Harry suspected that the meaning was anything but.
Uncle Vernon took a threatening step forward. "I don't want any more freaks in my house. Get out!"
"You tell 'em, Dad!" said Dudley.
Paulina gestured at Harry with the "Hogwarts letter" she was holding. "Look, John, the boy is shaking, he's so frightened."
Suddenly the blonde shifted the "Hogwarts letter" to her left hand, and now her right hand was holding a cooking chopstick. She pointed the cooking chopstick at Harry's relatives. "Y'all back off! Harry's Hogwarts letter is addressed to 'The Cupboard under the Stairs,' and you call us freaks? Y'all are despicable!"
By now, John Potter also was holding a cooking chopstick, which also was pointed at the Dursleys.
Harry had no idea what was going on. But Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were acting as though the Potters were pointing weapons at them; when Dudley stepped forwards, his mother grabbed him and pulled him back.
Cousin John asked, "Harry, do these people hurt you enough to make you bleed? Do they break bones?"
Uncle Vernon said, "Don't answer that, boy, if you know what's good for you!"
A yellow-green blob came out of John's chopstick and hit Uncle Vernon's hand. "Ow!"
John said, "Don't be such a baby, Dursley. That's a Stinging Hex, a first-year spell. It causes no bleeding and no broken bones."
Aunt Petunia's face turned white; clearly she had picked up John Potter's hint that he knew other spells that did cause bleeding or broken bones.
Meanwhile, John Potter was asking Uncle Vernon, "Dursley, are you going to let Harry answer my questions?"
Uncle Vernon yelled, "Put down that wand and face me like a man!"
Harry thought, "Wand"? As in "magic wand"?
Meanwhile, John was saying to Uncle Vernon, "Oh, you don't like that I'm not fighting fair? You have no room to complain, since you're three times Harry's weight and almost twice his height."
John looked at Harry and said gently, "Harry, we need to know: Have these people hurt you? Have they made you bleed, have they broken bones?"
Harry looked down at the floor. "Aunt Petunia hasn't made me bleed. But both Uncle Vernon and Cousin Dudley have made me bleed, and both of them also have broken bones of mine. Aunt Petunia once hit me hard on the head with a frying pan—does that count?"
Paulina glared at the Dursleys. "And y'all call him a freak?"
Harry pleaded, "Would someone please tell me what is going on?"
Uncle Vernon said, "Silence, boy! These—"
A blue beam of light flew out of John Potter's chopstick/wand and hit Uncle Vernon in the face. Uncle Vernon still was talking—in fact, clearly now he was yelling—but from him came only silence. John's chopstick/wand shot out an orange light, which hit Uncle Vernon in the chest; suddenly Uncle Vernon was tied up with ropes.
Cousin John said to Harry, "Magic is real. Only a few people can do magic—one man or woman out of six thousand. But mostly the ability to work magic runs in families. The Potters are a magical family of many generations—I can do magic, and your father James could do magic. But sometimes—and nobody is sure why—a boy or girl has nonmagical parents and so he or she grows up in the nonmagical world, but the child is born magical. Paulina is like this, and your mother Lily was like this."
Paulina said, "Magical boys and men are called wizards, even when they don't have long beards. Magical girls and women are called witches, even when they don't wear pointy hats. I'm a witch, and your mother was a witch."
John said, "You're a wizard, Harry. Your Hogwarts letter proves it."
Aunt Petunia said, "My sister was a freak! Only one in six thousand people can do magic? That made her a freak!"
John pointed at Harry's letter, which Paulina still was holding. "Harry, the letter to you is from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Britain's oldest magical school. They're inviting you to attend their school that begins September first, for the next seven years, to learn how to do all the different kinds of magic except evil magic."
"Out of the question!" Aunt Petunia said. "No way is the freak going to that freak school to learn freakishness! He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be grateful for it."
John Potter said "Infinity Incantation," then hit Uncle Vernon in the face with a yellow light from his cooking chopstick/wand. The ropes that had tied Uncle Vernon up, disappeared. Cousin John said to Uncle Vernon, "You aren't silent anymore, but none of you better come any closer to Harry, or you will regret it. Understand?"
All three Dursleys agreed—whilst scowling.
John said, "What I want to know is, if you're nonmagical and you think magic is 'freakishness,' why are you raising your nephew Harry? Harry's father James had many magical relatives in Britain whom toddler-Harry could have been given to."
Harry thought, I could've grown up in a magical family? Where I was loved?
Meanwhile, Aunt Petunia was angrily explaining to the young American wizard how Harry had wound up with the Dursleys—"He was left on our doorstep like a milk bottle!"—and how, despite Vernon's and Petunia's efforts to leave Harry at an orphanage, Harry was brought back to them again and again. As Aunt Petunia told her tale, the name Dumbledore came up again and again, and a letter from Dumbledore was mentioned.
Then Harry saw John and his young wife stare into each other's eyes. Soon John raised an eyebrow; Paulina nodded. Harry could not begin to guess what was going on.
John Potter knelt down, so that he was about at eye-level with Harry. "Harry, you don't know me and I don't know you, but Paulina and I want to be your guardians and to raise you, like your mother's sister and her family are raising you now. Would you like to grow up with us?"
Then John Potter glared at the Dursleys. "I'm guessing that you won't object to a transfer of Harry's guardianship from you two to Paulina and me."
Aunt Petunia said, "Doesn't matter. Dumbledore will make you give the boy back."
John said, "If I can get myself declared the Potter Regent, there's nothing Dumbledore can do."
Paulina said, "Harry? You haven't answered John's question."
Harry looked into the hateful eyes of his uncle, aunt and fat cousin. Then Harry looked at John and at Paulina and said, "I want to live with people who want me there. If I can learn magic too, that's even better."
Then Uncle Vernon said, "If you want Pet and I to sign papers, it'll cost you five thousand pounds for Petunia's and my signatures."
John Potter said, "Why would we agree to that? Since it's obvious you want to be rid of Harry."
"We want money because it costs money to feed the boy—"
"Except when they starve me," Harry said.
"—and Dumbledore never offered to pay us a penny."
John snorted. "I don't believe that at all. Prove it. Show me Dumbledore's letter."
Uncle Vernon puffed up. "Are you calling me a liar?"
"Yes," John Potter calmly replied. "And you're fat too. Show me Dumbledore's letter, or you're not receiving one coin from me."
Uncle Vernon said, "Pet, go upstairs and fetch the bearded freak's letter."
Aunt Petunia was back downstairs less than a minute later, holding an envelope. Just from looking at that envelope, Harry could see that the envelope was made from the same not-paper as Harry's "Hogwarts letter."
The "Hogwarts letter" to "Harry James Potter" was addressed with green ink; the letter to "Petunia Evans Dursley" was addressed with black ink. Neither envelope had a stamp in the corner, and both envelopes showed handwriting in which the lines varied in thickness.
John Potter took out of the envelope a folded-up piece of not-paper and unfolded it. He read the letter, as his blond wife read it with him. Then John passed the letter to Harry.
Harry was unimpressed. This "Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore" might be the headmaster of a school, but his letter came across as though a politician had written it.
Meanwhile, Cousin John was saying to Uncle Vernon, "You're right, the letter mentions nothing about money. I'll pay you five hundred pounds, not five thousand, to sign the papers transferring guardianship."
"Four thousand pounds," Uncle Vernon said. "And don't tell me that, just because you're in a different country, you can't get hold of the money quickly."
John said, "One thousand pounds; final offer. If you tell me to pay more, I'm calling the magical police."
Paulina said, "Just a friendly reminder, Dursleys: Harry Potter is a hero in the magical world. What do you think the magical police would do to y'all if we told them that y'all have hurt Harry Potter and have starved him?"
"We accept," Aunt Petunia said. She stared down Uncle Vernon.
Harry watched and listened whilst Cousin John and Uncle Vernon worked out the terms. John and Paulina would return to Privet Drive at seven this evening, with papers for Harry's aunt and uncle to sign, and with a thousand pounds in banknotes to present.
Then John and Paulina did something strange. They had entered the house through the front door, but for some reason, they wanted to leave the house through the kitchen door; and wanted to enter the back garden, not the front garden.
The way John explained it to Harry was this: "Magicals have a fierce law that says we can't let nonmagical people know about magic. The only reason we can tell your relatives about magic today is because they live with you. Really, when Paulina and I magically transported ourselves in front of your house, we were taking a risk that your neighbors might see us. Magical police could've arrested us for doing that—but we weren't arrested, lucky us. Anyway, it would be doubly risky if we magically left your house from the front of your house. Instead, we'll leave from your backyard, where the neighbors can't see us. When Paulina and I come back this evening, we'll knock on your kitchen door, not your front door."
Harry nodded. "That makes sense. Thank you for taking time to explain things to me."
Paulina held out Harry's unopened Hogwarts letter—which, Harry saw, indeed was addressed to "The Cupboard under the Stairs." Paulina asked, "Do you want this back now, or do you want me to hold on to it till tonight?"
Harry thought, Dudley will grab it out of my hand and rip it up, less than a minute after they leave, just to be mean to me. Aloud, Harry said, "Please, you keep it."
Paulina smiled at Harry and put his Hogwarts letter in her handbag.
As soon as John and Paulina walked out the kitchen door, Uncle Vernon announced that he was headed to work. Aunt Petunia shocked everyone when she said to her son, "Diddikins, be nice to Harry today. Don't bother him and don't hurt him, or I will be angry with you."
To this shock was added another shock: Aunt Petunia took Harry to Little Whinging Shopping Centre and bought him new clothes. Aunt Petunia bought Harry new pants (underwear), trainers (sneakers), socks, trousers, belt and a shirt. Harry never in his life had worn clothes that fit before.
As aunt and nephew were walking back to the car, Harry worked up his courage and asked, "Why did you buy me new clothes, Aunt Petunia?"
She was silent for a time, then she answered, "If your freak relatives take you to talk to the freak police, it will go badly for Vernon and me if you're dressed like a street urchin."
Meanwhile, at Gringotts (London)
John presented his Gringotts New York key to a teller, then asked to speak with the Potter account manager.
John and Paulina met the new Potter account manager, Axefrenzy. (The previous Potter account manager, Bronzedagger, had been axed to retire early.) John and Paulina did not tell Axefrenzy that they were really Harry Potter and his British best friend, back from the dead and time-traveled back from 1998 to 1991.
After meeting Axefrenzy, the next thing that "John" did was to claim the Potter Regent ring. Magic accepted the claim, to Axefrenzy's surprise.
Immediately John claimed magical guardianship of Harry James Potter; Magic allowed this too.
Axefrenzy asked the Gringotts Legal Department for a template nonmagical-government guardianship-transfer agreement. Axefrenzy, John and Paulina spent fifteen minutes editing the terms of the template agreement and filling it in, to transfer Harry's guardianship from Petunia Dursley (and Vernon Dursley) to John Potter (and Paulina Potter). John and Paulina signed the agreement, then Paulina put the agreement in her beaded handbag.
Axefrenzy then gave John bad news. With Harry Potter being the last of the main Potter line and with him being underage, there should be no activity in the Potter family coinage vault and in the Potter family heirlooms vault. But the Potter coinage-vault key was out there somewhere, and Bronzedagger had removed G107 000 from the coinage vault. Axefrenzy and Ragnok suspected that most of that G107 000 had been diverted to Dumbledore, but none of that gold had shown up in Dumbledore's vaults.
John promptly ordered that Gringotts rekey the Potter coinage vault and Harry's trust vault, so that the existing keys would not work.
Speaking of Harry's trust vault, which the boy had yet to touch, there was much activity, much of it questionable. Every 31st July since1981, the trust vault was topped off at fifty thousand galleons—but each 30th July since 1982, Dumbledore had diverted G47 575 to his own vaults.
John asked, "Why that strange amount? Why not steal all fifty thousand galleons?"
Axefrenzy replied, "If someone takes every coin and heirloom out of a vault, the vault-rental agreement ends. You need to leave at least one galleon in a vault to keep holding that vault."
Paulina said, "Remember, John honey, G202 a month has been withdrawn every month, supposedly to pay Vernon Dursley. That's G2,424 a year."
John said, "But now we've met starveling Harry, his aunt, his big, fat uncle and his big, fat cousin. All you need to do is look at poor Harry, and look at his fat uncle and his fat cousin too, and it's obvious where that thousand pounds a month went—and it wasn't to Harry!"
John took a calming breath.
John said, "Account Manager Axefrenzy, remember the part of the Gringotts poem that says 'For those who take, but do not earn, Must pay most dearly in their turn'? I request that you hold the Dursleys to what the poem says, even if Harry's relatives have never read the poem."
As John said this, his smile was bloodthirsty. Axefrenzy matched that smile with a goblin smile that was just as bloodthirsty.
Five minutes later
John hired Gringotts to put a Fidelius on Potter Manor, with himself as the Secret Keeper.
John also hired Gringotts to ward Potter Manor so strongly that the manor house would withstand attack from a horde of the fiends of Hell—or attack from one meddlesome headmaster.
Then John and Paulina rode a cart down to the Potter coinage vault. After the cart-driver rekeyed the vault, John took out G220. In the Gringotts lobby, John converted the G220 to one thousand pounds in fifty-pound bills, plus one hundred pounds in twenty-pound bills.
After Gringotts
John and Paulina briefly visited the house of young Hermione in Crawley. The Potters told young Hermione that they would visit again this evening, when Hermione's parents were home and when the Potters would bring young Harry with them.
Hermione's entire face lit up when she was told that soon she would meet young Harry.
John then told Hermione to tell her parents not to cook, because John this evening would be buying takeaway for everyone. This also was news to make Hermione smile.
John and Paulina went back to Potter Manor. There John asked Paulina for a scrap of paper (not parchment), and a ballpoint pen (not a quill pen). Paulina pulled both out of her beaded bag.
Then John wrote, left-handed to make his writing look more childish—
.
Profesor Minerva McGonagall,
Thank you for aksepting me to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I will come there on 1 September.
Harry J Potter
.
After John wrote the note, with handwriting suitably boyish, John gave the note to Greyclay. John told Greyclay to rent a postal owl that would fly the note to Minerva McGonagall at Hogwarts.
After Greyclay elf-popped away, Paulina asked, "Why did you write the note pretending to be Harry?"
John replied, "The last time, when I didn't answer my first Hogwarts letter, Dumbledore kept sending more and more letters. Before Uncle Vernon had us all flee in the car, I got about a hundred letters at once."
"You're joking, right?"
"The last letter Hogwarts sent, was delivered to me personally by Hagrid. This time I don't want Dumbledore sending out more letters, and I don't want anyone from Hogwarts going out to Privet Drive or going where Harry Potter is at. I want Dumbledore smugly thinking, 'Harry is following my plan. All is well.' "
After sending off the letter, John and Paulina ate an early lunch. They then whiled away the hours of the afternoon in the bedroom that was last occupied by Marigold Hera Potter.
Afterwards, both John and Paulina took a shower. They both needed it.
7:00 p.m
Number 4, Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey
John and Paulina entered the Dursleys' almost-empty kitchen from the back door, after Harry unlocked the back door and let the Potters in. The three Dursleys quickly entered the kitchen. With six people standing in the kitchen—two of them fat—Harry felt crowded.
"I declare, Harry," said Paulina, smiling, "those look like new clothes you're wearing."
Harry blushed. "They are, yeah."
John put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "You look sharp, Harry. How often do the Dursleys do this for you, buy you new clothes?"
"Erm...," Harry said, turning scarlet with embarrassment.
"You got the money, Potter?" Uncle Vernon demanded. "Hand it over."
John Potter pulled a wad of fifty-pound notes out of his pocket. "Yes to your question, no to your order. Paulina?"
Paulina Potter reached into her handbag, pulled out a document and laid the document on the kitchen table. TRANSFER OF GUARDIANSHIP OF A MINOR, the document said at the top.
(Paulina then pulled Harry's Hogwarts letter out of her handbag, and handed the letter to Harry.)
Vernon said to John Potter, "Oi, those look like fifty-pound notes. Fifties are too hard to spend. Go back and get twenties."
John Potter laughed scornfully. "Not my problem, Dursley. If you wanted twenties, you should have asked for twenties this morning. Quit trying to throw your weight around—get it?—and sign the damn paper."
"No way, freak. Money first, then Pet and I sign."
"So you're refusing to sign, even when you see I brought the cash? Let me remind you, Dursley: If you don't sign, it doesn't matter to anyone why you didn't sign, and I get to call the magical cops on the entire rotten Dursley family."
Paulina said, "My husband is hoping you'll do something stupid, Mr. Dursley. He wants to keep the cash, yes, but he also wants to witness the Aurors arresting you."
Aunt Petunia said, "Vernon, please, let's get this done, and get the boy out of here."
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia signed the document, whilst Harry sighed in relief. Paulina put the signed document back in her handbag.
Only then did John Potter lay the wad of fifty-pound notes on the kitchen table. Uncle Vernon counted the money, then pocketed the money.
Paulina and Aunt Petunia went upstairs to fetch Dumbledore's letter, Harry's immunisation records, and all other paperwork that the Dursleys had that related to Harry.
While Paulina was upstairs fetching documents, John and Harry were at Harry's cupboard. Harry watched John point his wand at the cupboard, which unlocked itself. Cool! Then John shrank Harry's few possessions and put them in his pocket—whilst muttering obscenities about the Dursleys.
When Paulina came downstairs, John transferred Harry's shrunken possessions to Paulina's handbag. Paulina seemed unbothered by the extra weight.
John walked Paulina to the back door. John said, "Harry, please unlock the back door, but don't go outside yet."
Harry (nonmagically) unlocked the kitchen door.
John said, "Anyone want to say anything before we leave? Harry, Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Paulina?"
Uncle Vernon said, "I'm glad we're rid of you, freak."
Aunt Petunia said, "I'm glad I won't hear about what you do in that freak school."
Dudley grinned cruelly and said, "I'm sorry I can't beat you up anymore, freak."
Harry laughed at his relatives, and watched their faces fill with anger. "I'm magical"—he waved the Hogwarts letter about—"and I'm somehow famous. You three are ugly and nobody likes you. You three are losers."
"On that friendly note," John said, "let's go."
John put his hand on the back door's doorknob, but delayed opening the door. "By the way, Dursleys, Paulina and I know that you've received 116 thousand pounds from Harry's inheritance and you've misspent it."
"WHAT?" Harry exclaimed.
John opened the kitchen door and gestured for his wife and for Harry to step out into the back garden.
Harry, who was clutching his Hogwarts letter in his left hand, got the shock of his life when he stepped outside.
John, who still was holding the kitchen door wide open, called out, "They're all yours!"
Harry now saw that waiting outside the back door were scary-looking short men with strange skin, with teeth like piranha fish, and with long hands and feet. Now these piranha-teeth men rushed into the kitchen, through the back door that John helpfully was holding open.
Harry expected to hear Aunt Petunia screaming and Uncle Vernon bellowing. Instead, from the kitchen, Harry heard absolute silence.
"What are those people?" Harry asked.
"Goblins," said Paulina. "They run the wizards' bank. They hate thieves, and your aunt and uncle are big-time thieves."
"Why aren't the Dursleys yelling?"
Paulina smiled cruelly. "Oh, they probably are. But Silencing Spells mean that nobody outside the house can hear them."
John said, "Whoops, I forgot to do something." He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, and walked into the silent kitchen through the still-open kitchen door.
Seconds later, John stepped outside again.
"What did you do?" Paulina asked John.
"Those twenty fifty-pound bills I handed to Dursley? I recorded the bills' serial numbers ahead of time. Now the goblins have evidence that Vernon and Petunia sold a child."
Harry asked, "What will the goblins do with my relatives?"
Paulina replied, "That depends on the Dursleys. Over the past ten years, your aunt and uncle received £116,000 for your care. The goblins will figure out how much of that 116k they spent on you, and how much of the 116k they spent on themselves instead of on you. That money, the goblins will consider to be stolen from you. Once the goblins have come up with a total sum of money that the Dursleys stole from you, the goblins will multiply this number by 110 percent, then tell the Dursleys, 'Pay this amount.' "
"Whoa," said Harry.
"If the Dursleys can pay it all, or if the Dursleys can pay it all after some of their property is seized by the goblins, then the only punishment that the Dursleys will get is forced labor in a goblin mine."
Harry thought, Hold on, if the Dursleys can pay back what they stole from me, they'll "only" be punished with forced labour in a mine?
Aloud, Harry asked, "And if the Dursleys can't pay all the stolen money back?" Considering they all three spend money like water, that's the smart bet.
John clapped his hands together. "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's Paulina and I introduce you to Paulina's second cousin! Hermione is magical too, she's about your age, her parents are nonmagical like your mother's parents and Paulina's parents, and she'll be going to Hogwarts as a first-year next month. I know you and her will get along great!"
Harry figured out that the answer to What will happen if the Dursleys can't pay back all the stolen money? was Something that adults don't think ten-year-olds should hear.
Next chapter: Young Harry Meets Young Hermione
