Raindrops are fallin' on my head

"Mph…" My eyes fluttered open, filling my vision with a cloudy, nonsensical array of colors.

And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his head

I reached a hand through the foggy horizon, lazily pawing at my dresser for my phone.

Nothin' seems to fit, those raindrops are fal-

"Okay, okay. I'm up," I mumbled, disabling the alarm.

Stretching out my arms and legs, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and got out of bed, prepared to begin another normal day. I took a cursory glance at my phone as I made my way to my closet and was surprised to see a text from an unknown number. This was strange, as I was always careful to never give away my phone number.

Oh, right.

The events of yesterday hit me like a truck. Remilia had no doubt given my number to the rest of the Chess Club and God knows who else. I groaned in despair, this was like every nightmare I had ever had, except now it was real.

With one last breath of resignation, I opened the text.

Unknown: Hey, it's Alice. Remi gave me your number.

Well, that confirmed my suspicions at least. I saved Alice's number as a contact and inputted her name. My phone buzzed just as I finished, Alice had sent me a new message.

Alice: I'll be there in a few minutes… but I might have some company. Apologies in advance.

My eyebrows furrowed. Company? Does she mean someone from the Chess Club?

"Ah, crap."

I threw my clothes on and grabbed my bag, rushing out as the doorbell rang.

"Hey sport, can you get that? I'm makin' breakfast over here!" Dad called out from the kitchen.

"Sure, Dad," I responded.

Internally however, I was petrified of what I would find once I opened the door. I shakily grabbed the handle and flung it open, figuring there was no use in delaying the inevitable. On the other side was Alice, along with…

"Heyya, ze! Nice place ya got here!" Marisa exclaimed, grinning widely.

"That's hardly a compliment coming from you, Marisa. Your apartment could make a garbage dump seem like a better alternative." Alice was obviously unhappy about the situation.

"Please leave and never come back," I said, flatly.

Marisa laughed. "Hey, that's the same kinda greetin' Remi gives me whenever I go to her place!"

"Whew! Sorry about that sport, who's at the door?" I turned to see dad exiting the kitchen and approaching the entryway, an apron still tied around his waist. "Oh, hey there Alice! And who's this?"

"Nice to meetcha, sir. The name's Reimu Hakurei, and don'tcha forget it!" Marisa introduced herself while extending a hand to my father.

Alice let out a tired exhale. "It's actually Marisa Kirisame," she corrected. "I'm sorry about the unexpected visitor Mr. Coates. Marisa has a penchant for showing up at the most inopportune times."

Dad stared at Marisa for a second, before chuckling heartily. "Well, aren't you a character?" He happily accepted her handshake. "Any friend of my son's is a friend of mine! Are you also part of the same chess club as Alice?"

"Yup! I gotta say, you're a lot more lively than your son, Mr. Coates," Marisa pointlessly noted.

"Well, I guess he is a little introverted! But I'm glad to see he's makin' some friends after all this time," Dad guffawed, he and Marisa seemed to get along great.

"I was actually about to make breakfast if you two would like some," Dad offered.

"No, Dad. You don't need to-"

"Oh boy! Breakfast, huh?" Marisa asked, tilting her head in exaggerated contemplation. "Sure, why not? That's totally not the only reason I came here or anything!"

Marisa stepped past me and wandered into my house as though she owned the place, making jokes and chattering with my dad as they made their way to the kitchen.

I snapped my head toward Alice, scowling furiously.

Alice nervously giggled and put her hands up in self-defense. "N-now now, there's no need to make a face like that. I swear I didn't know Marisa was coming over today."

I huffed and moved out of the way to let Alice in. "My gut says Remilia had something to do with this. Let's head to the kitchen before Marisa causes a scene."

Alice walked past me with an apologetic nod. I took one final glimpse outside and, after confirming that there weren't any other gremlins waiting to raid my home, shut the door.


"Wah~!" Marisa let out a content yawn. "That was a good breakfast."

"You know, I didn't think a human being was physically capable of eating thirteen pancakes in a row like that." Despite my lingering fury, I was still genuinely impressed.

Marisa, Alice, and I had left my house and were on our way to school. Alice held her head down as we walked, a flustered blush spread across her cheeks.

"Y-you really have no manners at all, do you?" Alice asked Marisa, her voice quivering with second-hand embarrassment. "You're lucky Adam's father is so gracious with filthy vagrants like you."

"Don' care, got food," Marisa stated, her lips curled in a satisfied smile.

"Hey, out of curiosity, did Remilia put you up to this?" I asked.

"Whaaaaat?" Marisa's eyes widened with clearly fabricated shock. "No, of course not, ze."

"Ah, okay. Hey, can we stop by the hardware store?"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Hardware store? What for?"

"I'm going to need some wooden stakes, a silver knife, and a UV flashlight," I said, nonchalantly.

"You'll need some garlic too, ze. We should head to the supermarket," Marisa helpfully interjected.

"Don't just casually plan a murder right in front of me!" Alice protested.

The three of us continued on, making occasional small talk until we arrived at our destination.

"Great," Marisa whined. "Time for the worst part of the day to begin."

"Quit being childish," Alice chastised. "This is hardly the worst place in the world."

"I strongly disagree."

"Oh? That's a shame, and here I hoped having friends would have given you a more positive outlook, Mr. Coates."

I froze as I heard the voice of my nightmares. Whipping my head around, I struggled to locate the source. She sounded like she was right on top of me, why couldn't I see her?

Marisa snickered. "Hey Adam, were you always blond? Or did I never notice?"

"What? Gah!" I glanced up and was instantly startled. Mrs. Yakumo hung upside down from the branch of a nearby tree above me, her long golden hair draped over my own.

"Oh my, did I scare you?" Mrs. Yakumo teased. Now that I had a better look at her, I could see that she had chosen to wear a dark-colored bowler hat today.

"Of course you scared me! Who wouldn't be afraid of their principal hanging from a tree like some kind of freakish bat?!" I yelled, angrily.

Mrs. Yakumo pouted. "So mean~! Very well, then."

I flinched as Mrs. Yakumo suddenly fell. Right when it seemed like her head would impact the ground, a gap opened up beneath her and swallowed her whole.

"Is this better?" I spun around to see Mrs. Yakumo standing behind me.

I frowned. "Stop doing that!"

Alice eyed the youkai principal disapprovingly. "Honestly, Yukari. Could you try to act a little more mature as our senior?"

"Aw, but I'm only seventeen," Mrs. Yakumo lied. "Besides, always being in charge, always having to meet everyone's expectations… it gets so very tiring."

"Then maybe you should quit and join a circus or something," I grumbled.

"Ah, but then I wouldn't be able to see your amusing reactions anymore, Mr. Coates. Where's the fun in that?" Mrs. Yakumo asked with a sly grin.

"Are you saying the only reason you're the principal here is because of me?" I challenged.

"Why do you ask? Would it make you feel special if that were the case?" Mrs. Yakumo retorted, winking at me.

I blushed. "N-no! Stop being weird!"

Mrs. Yakumo giggled. "Well, in any case, I didn't come here for no reason." She removed the bowler from her head and held it out to me. "Go on, reach in and claim your prize."

"Can't you do anything normally?" I asked, exasperatedly. After a bit of hesitation, I apprehensively reached inside the hat.

"You may have to dig around a bit, I keep quite a few things in there," Mrs. Yakumo quipped.

I briefly considered asking Mrs. Yakumo what she meant. That is until I realized that almost half of my arm had disappeared within the hat and I still couldn't feel the bottom. This was without a doubt one of Mrs. Yakumo's tricks, but I decided to play along for now, against my better judgment.

Just as I began to question what the hell I was doing, my hand came into contact with something metallic. I struggled to get a grip on it due to its size, but I finally managed to pull the mysterious object out.

It was a toaster.

"Oops! As I said, I keep a lot of things in there. Why don't you try again?" Mrs. Yakumo asked, wiggling the hat with a playful smirk.

I set my "prize" down and fixed Mrs. Yakumo an unamused stare. "I'm not taking part in your game anymore, just give me what you came to give me."

"Oh, fine. You're no fun." With that, Mrs. Yakumo flipped the bowler hat over, causing a large assortment of random objects to come tumbling out.

There was a keyboard, a tea set, a stop sign, and even a lawn flamingo. Eventually, the flow of items ceased. Mrs. Yakumo gave the hat a light tap, at which point a single piece of paper fluttered down to the top of the pile.

"There it is! I thought I'd lost it for a moment," Mrs. Yakumo took the page and handed it to me. "Your new schedule."

I groaned. "Great." I had been dreading this since yesterday.

Grabbing the list from Mrs. Yakumo, I scanned the contents. Every class except for my homeroom had been replaced.

"Oh, wow."

"What? It's not as bad as you were expectin'?" Marisa asked.

"No, this is actually the worst outcome that could have possibly occurred," I said, simply.

Marisa and Alice came over and peered at the schedule.

"Oh, I have that class."

"Yup, looks like I'm in two of yer periods, ze."

"Well, I wanted to make sure Adam had the support of his friends while he was adjusting to his new schedule. No need to thank me," Mrs. Yakumo chirped.

I glared at Mrs. Yakumo. "I hate you. I despise you. Please die."


"Good morning, everyone! Welcome to Culinary Arts!" My new second-period teacher, Yuyuko Saigyouji, exclaimed in a singsong voice.

Ms. Saigyouji was certainly a unique teacher. She was the owner and "princess" of Hakugyokurou, the Netherworld's prime tourist trap. As you can probably guess, she was also a ghost. Apparently having died of suicide, she was now cursed to wander the land, her soul never able to know peace…

I'm just messing with you, Ms. Saigyouji was actually quite easygoing and cheerful, if a bit of a ditz. She was known both for her otherworldly character and her voracious appetite. Said appetite being the main reason why she was a culinary teacher. Oh, and she had the ability to cause anyone and anything to die. Like I said, she was unique.

Perhaps this uniqueness was the reason why Ms. Saigyouji and Mrs. Yakumo were such close friends. That fact only served to make me even warier of her.

"You don't have to say that every time class starts, Yuyuko. We've had you for two months." Reimu rubbed her temples agitatedly.

"Oh? But today is a special occasion, is it not? After all, we have a new student!" Ms. Saigyouji looked at me expectantly. "Well, aren't you going to introduce yourself?"

"Do I really have to?" I moaned.

"Yes, of course you have to. Wait, do you have to? He has to, right?" she asked, turning to Reimu, Marisa, and Sakuya. All of whom were sitting together, as expected.

"Uh… you're the teacher, ze," Marisa replied, perplexedly.

"Just do whatever you think is right, Ms. Saigyouji," Sakuya advised.

"Ah, okay!" Ms. Saigyouji brought her attention back to me. "You don't have to, is what I've decided. But if you want to, then go ahead."

All that for such a middling answer?! At this point, it would have been more awkward if I didn't introduce myself.

I stood up from my chair. "My name i-"

"Anyway, today we'll be baking a cake!" Ms. Saigyouji announced, cutting me off.

"No!" Reimu immediately rebuked. "We made cake last week and the week before that! Pick something else!"

Ms. Saigyouji deflated. "B-but cakes are so delicious!"

Reimu however, was unyielding, continuing to glare at the ghostly teacher until she finally gave in.

"Fine, fine. No cakes…" Ms. Saigyouji sniffled. "I know, why not let the new student decide?"

She looked back at me. "Hm? Why are you standing up? Do you need to use the restroom?" Ms. Saigyouji asked, completely oblivious.

I stood there, mouth agape, unable to say anything in response.

"Uh… why don't we make some hamburgers Ms. Saigyouji?" Sakuya offered, likely able to see that this was going nowhere.

Ms. Saigyouji's eyes lit up. "Good idea, Sakuya! But Adam will need a group, won't he? And we already divided everyone into teams of four at the beginning of the year…"

I rolled my eyes. "Listen, I don't care what you decide. But whatever you do don't put me with-"

"Oh, I know! Since Youmu isn't here, why don't you partner up with Reimu's group?" Ms. Saigyouji proposed, to my unadulterated anguish.

"Yup, saw that coming from a mile away," Reimu deadpanned.


"See? That wasn't so bad was it?" Alice asked as the bell rang.

"Honestly Coates, you're so high-strung," Remilia stated. "Why were you so worried to begin with?"

In some ways, Remilia was right, the third period that I had been anxiously awaiting had mostly gone by without a hitch. Except for the fact that I had been assigned to sit between Remilia and Alice. Still, even though class was over, I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.

I gave Remilia a look. "Don't think I forgot about your little prank this morning, vampire."

"Oh calm down you big baby, you're lucky I let you off easy. That's what you get for hanging up on me," she chided.

"So you're going to send Marisa to my house every time I don't indulge you when you're bored?" I asked, incredulously.

"You can't expect to leave your great president hanging and not be punished for it," Remilia answered with a shrug, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Holy water, silver, crosses, garlic, the Sun…" I mumbled, in a voice far too low for Remilia to hear.

The three of us got out of our seats and headed for the door. Unsurprisingly, a few students had chosen to stay behind. I just hoped they would distract Her long enough for me to make a clean exit.

"Excuse me, Mr. Coates? Could you wait a moment?"

I froze, my heart thundering in my chest as I processed those horrifying words. I looked towards Remilia and Alice, who were either ignorant or careless of the danger.

"Well, see you later then." Remilia casually walked off to her next class.

"Bye, Adam." Now Alice had left me as well. It was just me against this monster and her cohorts.

"Actually, can I ask you girls to leave? This will only take a second," the teacher said to the remaining students in the room.

Only a second? Was she actually powerful enough to kill me in such a short amount of time? Of course, she was a youkai after all. But why ask the others to leave? Ah, she wanted to savor me for herself, that was it. My breathing steadily increased in rhythm as panic fully set in.

"What? Aw, man." One of the students, a phantom by the name of Minamitsu Murasa, made her displeasure apparent.

"Come now, I'm sure she has her reasons," Ichirin Kumoi, another teacher's pet, assured the phantom.

"We'll get out of your hair," the final student, tiger youkai Shou Toramaru, obliged.

The three of them gathered their things and made their way out of the room. Finally, I was truly alone, would I even have time to beg?

"So," Byakuren Hijiri, the most dangerous teacher in Gensokyo High, began. "How have you been holding up?"

On the outside, Ms. Hijiri was the most friendly, caring, and generous person anyone would have the pleasure of meeting. She was someone who treated everyone equally, no matter what. Always with a smile on her face, some questioned if it was even possible for her to get angry or upset at all. Her saint-like kindness even managed to net her her own fan club: the somewhat long-winded "Byakuren is the Best Teacher at Gensokyo High Club".

So why was I so terrified of her, you may ask? Because I didn't buy her act for a second.

Oh sure, Ms. Hijiri was a good manipulator, I'll give her that. But there was no way she was that nice, no one could be that nice unless they had some kind of horrific grimdark secret. If I had to guess, Ms. Hijiri was actually an insane cannibal who had started a sacrificial cult in the guise of a fanclub. Luring students in with warmth and affection before cruelly slaughtering them was likely her modus operandi.

Now, did I have any proof whatsoever that my claims were true? Well… no, but that was only because she was so good at hiding it. Besides, my gut was never wrong, ever. That's why, as I stood in the imposing presence of Ms. Hijiri, I prayed that my death would at least go by quickly.

Ms. Hijiri tilted her head. "Excuse me? I don't know if you heard, but I asked you a ques-"

"Fine!" I blurted, fear coursing through my veins.

Ms. Hijiri's eyes widened in surprise. "Do you feel all right? You're shaking and you look rather pale. Are you perhaps sick?"

An idea formed in my head. Wait, if I act like I'm sick then she won't want to eat me! I leaned forward slightly and put my hands over my stomach.

"Yeah, I've been feeling kind of bad all morning, I dunno what it is. If I were some kind of animal I definitely wouldn't want to eat me. Oooh… woe is me." I hoped my clever act would persuade Ms. Hijiri.

"Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. I hope it's not a side effect of the artifact," Ms. Hijiri said, with faux worry.

"Nah, I don't think it's that serious. I should head to the nurse as soon as possible though." I turned my back to Ms. Hijiri and grinned at my own genius. Now I just had to make myself scarce.

"Please, hang on for a moment!"

My entire life flashed before my eyes as I felt a hand firmly clasp me by the shoulder. This was it, this was how I would die.

"I just wanted to say that although I can't even imagine what you're going through, I hope you know that I care. Really, I do. I know we've just met, but when I first heard your story from Mrs. Yakumo all I could feel was intense sorrow. To think that someone so young would have to go through all of that. I understand that it can be hard to ask for help sometimes, but if you ever need anything or if you simply want to chat, my door is always open."

I could barely process Ms. Hijiri's words, as my mind was a hysteric swirl of horror and trepidation. Ironically, now I actually did have a stomach ache.

"Some of my other students like to spend time here as well, so I promise it won't be too awkward. Minamitsu usually has plenty of amusing stories to tell and sometimes Ichirin brings Unzan along too, there's never a dull moment!" Ms. Hijiri giggled. "Sorry, I droned on a bit didn't I? Would you like me to get someone to escort you to the nurse?"

"N-no! I'm fine!"

"Huh? But I thought you said you weren't feeling well?" Ms. Hijiri pried, her evil truly knew no bounds.

"I feel good enough that I can make it on my own, I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time!" I laughed, anxiously. Please spare my life, please spare my life, please spare my life.

Ms. Hijiri smiled. "I told you, it's okay to ask for help. Here, let me call Shou."

Oh no, now she had decided she wanted to share.

The door suddenly creaked open and Minamitsu popped her head in. "Hey Byakuren, are you done y- huh?!"

I quickly took the opportunity to escape and power-walked through the open door, pushing past the phantom.

"ThankyoufortheofferbutI'mactuallyfeelingmuchbetternowanywaybye!"

"Perhaps I came on a bit too strong…" I heard Ms. Hijiri say.


"Oh goodie, you're here too."

I looked up from the floor of the school's gymnasium to see Reimu, scrutinizing me. She wore a loose-fitting gray shirt with blue shorts that displayed the school's name in a gaudy font. It was the same uniform that every other student in the gym was wearing.

"If you want to complain, go to Mrs. Yakumo," I grumbled.

Reimu rolled her eyes. "Why are you so formal? Just call her Yukari like everyone else does."

"I can't. If I do that, then she wins," I stated, with no intention of providing further context.

"Huh? What does that even mean? Why are you so weird?!" Reimu asked, exasperatedly.

"Oh, Coates. You're in this class as well?" Remilia approached us, followed closely by Meiling.

"Hey, ze! Long time no see!" Marisa joked, sauntering over as well.

The five of us stood in awkward silence for a moment, before Remilia spoke up.

"So, I've been meaning to ask, where is Sanae?"

"She's still absent, ze," Marisa responded.

Remilia huffed. "Seriously? Patchouli said she only went to the dentist."

"Yeah, to get her wisdom teeth pulled," Reimu clarified.

"I still don't see the problem."

"Humans are far more fragile than us youkai, it can take them days to recover from something like having their teeth pulled," Meiling explained to Remilia, like a parent educating their child.

"Plus, you know how much Kanako and Suwako like to baby her. She probably won't be back until Monday at the very least," Reimu guessed.

"Hm… it's a bit discouraging to have three of our members out for the count like this," Remilia lamented.

"Oh right, Patchy and Youmu are still in the slammer, ain't they?" Marisa asked. "Y'know, I always thought it was kinda weird that people in detention aren't even allowed to attend class."

"It is a bit unusual. I suppose part of the punishment for causing trouble is having to catch up on the material they miss," Remilia said.

"It's a good thing I never cause trouble, then!" Marisa grinned mischievously.

"Tell that to my pantry…" I mumbled.

"Hey! What are you all doing over there?! You'd better not be causing any trouble!" a loud, booming voice shouted. The floor beneath us quaked with fury as the thundering footsteps of our oni gym teacher, Yuugi Hoshiguma, approached.

Oni were a special type of youkai. To start, they were incredibly strong, powerful enough to go toe-to-toe with even the mightiest of gods. They also drank a lot. In fact, it was a common saying that asking an oni to stop drinking was like asking a person to stop breathing. Of course, it was an exaggeration, oni wouldn't die if they couldn't get their fix. But they would certainly get… cranky.

"Oh, would you look at the time. I have literally anywhere else to be." Remilia proceeded to flee at a speed that would rival most sportscars.

"R-Remi, wait! Don't leave me!" Meiling turned to run, only for Mrs. Hoshiguma to grab her by the back of her collar.

"Ms. Meiling, what do I always say?" Mrs. Hoshiguma asked, menacingly.

"I-if you have time to talk…" Meiling started, her entire body trembling with terror.

"Then you have time to train!" Mrs. Hoshiguma finished, before throwing Meiling to the ground. "Two hundred pushups, on the double!"

"Y-yes, ma'am!" Meiling immediately got into position and started exercising like her life depended on it.

With Meiling out of the way, Mrs. Hoshiguma concentrated her rage onto me. I desperately searched for Reimu and Marisa, hoping maybe they could save me from Mrs. Hoshiguma's wrath. However, they were long gone, likely having deserted me while the oni was focused on Meiling.

"You…" Mrs. Hoshiguma growled as she towered over me.

I shrunk back. "U-um, look I swear I-"

"ONE HUNDRED LAPS AROUND THE GYM, ON THE DOUBLE!"

My vision was a blur as I struggled to regain my senses. It felt as though an explosion had gone off inches away from my face. The sheer force of Mrs. Hoshiguma's voice was such that it could probably crack stone.

"Honestly Yuugi, you've gotta work on yer temper. I get that goin' dry is tough, but that's no reason to take it out on the kiddos."

Due to their propensity of constantly drinking alcohol, it was incredibly difficult for oni to find work. Which made it even more strange that the school had employed not just one, but two of them.

The air next to Mrs. Hoshiguma began to distort and gather together. Eventually, the form of my one and only hope for salvation, Suika Ibuki, took shape. I had never been so glad to see a youkai in my life.

"Besides, he's human you know," Mrs. Ibuki, the assistant teacher, pointed out. "If he does that many laps, he'll die. And then we'll definitely get fired this time."

Mrs. Hoshiguma humphed. "I knew that, I was gonna let him stop for water. You're way too soft on these brats, Suika. How can they hope to get strong if they're blabbing to their friends all day?"

"I didn't tell you not to punish him," Mrs. Ibuki said. "Just saying maybe the price for slacking off a little shouldn't be 'execution by running laps'."

Mrs. Hoshiguma sighed. "Fine, how about ninety laps?"

"Uh… a little lower."

"Eighty?"

"Okay, I lied. Way lower."

"Fifty. A human can handle that, right?"

"Possibly. Let's make a smidge lower just to be on the safe side."

"Forty. I will not accept any less."

"Forty it is." Mrs. Ibuki gave me an apologetic smile. "Sorry kid, I tried my best."

"I owe you my life." I bowed as I thanked Mrs. Ibuki and retreated to start my laps.

"But Meiling can absolutely handle two hundred pushups, I know that for a fact!" Mrs. Hoshiguma asserted, while Meiling groaned beneath them. "So don't try to swindle her punishment down too!"

Mrs. Ibuki chuckled. "I wasn't. But… could you go a little easy on her?"

"Hell no!" Mrs. Hoshiguma yelled, causing the rafters above to noticeably vibrate.

Mrs. Ibuki covered her ears. "All right, all right! I was just kidding."


I dragged myself out of the locker room as P.E ended and lunch began. My legs would feel like Jell-O for the rest of the week, but I had made it through over half of the day. Between having yamas, ghosts, murderous youkai, and onis as my teachers, my hopes of reattaining a normal life began to look ever more like a fantasy.

Plus, I still had a case to solve.

Maybe it'd be better if I just collapsed right now and died on the spot.